Long distance relationships

**SwedenF** · 04-16-2012, 12:40 PM

So, new here on the forum and relatively new to the knowledge that I am INTJ. I had a look around the online dating-tags thread, but didn't see anything focused on exactly what I wanted to ask the rest of you, so I decided to make my own thread.

To the point. Reading around it's fascinating how well most things people write fits, and as such I am curious to hear what the rest of you think about long distance relationships. From an efficiency-perspective it's hardly a good idea, but I find myself only ending up in that situation. This occur to anyone else?

I think the reason I do is because when you can't meet even if you want to, you are "forced" to resort to talking and that leads to deeper conversations. I couldn't care less what the person looks like, the only thing that attracts me is the mind and it takes a lot of talking to get there. That kind of talking rarely happens IRL, mostly because people don't usually feel comfortable with just sitting talking endlessly. As such, I personally never get the right kind of connection with someone anywhere close by, but do with people who are quite a long distance away.

I should probably add that although I have no interest in parties or large groups, I've never been shy and have no problem initiating conversation. So it's not that I don't dare talk to people IRL, they just rarely have anything to say that makes me want to talk further.

So in short, question is, any more INTJ's out there that end up in long distance most of the time? Do you go for it when you do, or do you leave it as it is? Why do you make that choice?

**Lilie** · 04-16-2012, 12:52 PM

I used to, but I don't waste my time on it any more. If you're truly content with this kind of relationship, why not but I want someone who will actually be there and who I can do things with out in the world and not just sit at home talking all the time.

**CaelestisPeste** · 04-16-2012, 01:01 PM

I think that if both partners believe that it will work and there is a future together, then it should work, ideally. If one person gives up or falters, then the relationship will collapse. It's largely based on trust; probably even more so than a close distance relationship. Of course, there should be a plan to settle down together in the future, within driving distance.

**loki233** · 04-16-2012, 01:53 PM

It is difficult to manage long distance relationships. I feel like as an INTJ I do pretty well, but it adds a lot of stress to my relationship. I definitely think some people are better suited to it than others.

**Booko** · 04-16-2012, 02:03 PM

My husband and I lived 800 miles apart for the first year he was in grad school, but we already had a relationship, as in engaged, and it was more a test to see if the marriage was a good idea than what normally goes for a long-distance relationship.

I've seen friends of mine over the years have long-distance relationships, but the odds do not seem very good that they'll blossom into anything. There is something to be said for geographical availability.

**Marcus Septim** · 04-16-2012, 09:29 PM

I've done it once

I'm not doing it again

Ever,period

**Haumea** · 04-17-2012, 02:56 AM

Aside from the exception Booko brought up, I view them as an escape from reality rather than engagement with it. It tends to be a drug for introverts who should be getting out of their shell instead of indulging their weaknesses.

**mhy** · 04-17-2012, 06:27 AM

I'm in one right now, distance of 12,000km (that's about 7,500 miles for you Americans)
We dated for 2 months before she went, and she will be back here in 3.5 months. So far it has been OK. The thing though is, I work full time and every night I have to get on Skype for 2 hours before bed which can be exhausting.

**Muse** · 04-17-2012, 09:07 AM

A relationship with anyone that isn't right for you, or anyone that isn't good at relationships, will not work out. Context can make it easier or more difficult, but I think a majority of it boils down to something simple that proximity can't remedy. Details are just noise at times, and distract from the core issue. Core issues exist regardless of distance.

**SwedenF** · 04-17-2012, 02:49 PM

	Originally Posted by Haumea To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Aside from the exception Booko brought up, I view them as an escape from reality rather than engagement with it. It tends to be a drug for introverts who should be getting out of their shell instead of indulging their weaknesses.

Although I am sure you are right that a lot of people use it as such, I think it's rather narrow minded of you to classify everything except Bookos case type as "escaping from reality". Sounds quite a bit like prejudice to be entirely honest.

	Originally Posted by Muse To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	A relationship with anyone that isn't right for you, or anyone that isn't good at relationships, will not work out. Context can make it easier or more difficult, but I think a majority of it boils down to something simple that proximity can't remedy. Details are just noise at times, and distract from the core issue. Core issues exist regardless of distance.

I'm sorry, I did not understand what you are trying to say. I don't see how it ties with the question I asked, at all. Please do explain =)

So far it seems like this particular feat of mine is not related to the INTJ, based on the response, so I suppose I'll have to ponder it further and come up with some other "reason" =)

**davai** · 04-17-2012, 06:52 PM

	Originally Posted by SwedenF To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Although I am sure you are right that a lot of people use it as such, I think it's rather narrow minded of you to classify everything except Bookos case type as "escaping from reality". Sounds quite a bit like prejudice to be entirely honest.

I think Haumea is just trying to be realistic abut things, nothing wrong with that. That cold realism is hitting the nail on the head in my opinion. So it's long distance, it can't stay that way for ever without being some charade of a relationship. Shit's gotta get real at some point, hasn't it? If two people truly wanna be with one another they'll make it happen, regardless of distance. Am I still in the prejudiced camp here? Tell me if I am and i'll try and reason this one through.

**Muse** · 04-18-2012, 10:02 AM

	Originally Posted by SwedenF To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm sorry, I did not understand what you are trying to say. I don't see how it ties with the question I asked, at all. Please do explain =)

	Originally Posted by SwedenF To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do you go for it when you do, or do you leave it as it is? Why do you make that choice?

I answered this question by giving my opinion on how distance effects (and in some cases doesn't) human relations.

**Haumea** · 04-18-2012, 10:26 AM


	Although I am sure you are right that a lot of people use it as such, I think it's rather narrow minded of you to classify everything except Bookos case type as "escaping from reality". Sounds quite a bit like prejudice to be entirely honest.

The definition of prejudice is "an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason."

I've been observing and contemplating the phenomenon for close to 15 years, so that definition can hardly apply.

Everything except Booko's case meaning "everything without preexisting substantial real-life investment", not Booko's case down to every single detail.

**Magpie** · 04-18-2012, 12:42 PM

One more thing to consider is how to play out eventually moving together because the transition from weekend/holiday romance to everyday reality might be hard.

I recently (okay finally) moved in with my boyfriend and even though our distance was only 200 km (124 miles) relocating meant losing most of my friends and having the trouble of finding a job and etc. I like to socialize more than him, so not knowing anyone else was tough. It really did some work settling down to a new city and not project my unexpected unhappiness on him. The issues obviously are different for everyone, but something most likely will come up and it's difficult to assess in advance which compromises are acceptable and which will become unbearable. It did work out for us though
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**zibber** · 04-18-2012, 01:08 PM

	Originally Posted by SwedenF To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I am curious to hear what the rest of you think about long distance relationships. From an efficiency-perspective it's hardly a good idea[...]

Neither is shitting every day, but I appreciate the relief.

---------- Post added 04-18-2012 at 10:09 PM ----------

	Originally Posted by mhy To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I'm in one right now, distance of 12,000km (that's about 7,500 miles for you Americans) We dated for 2 months before she went, and she will be back here in 3.5 months. So far it has been OK. The thing though is, I work full time and every night I have to get on Skype for 2 hours before bed which can be exhausting.

Don't burn yourself out.

Big kudos, though. That's about the furthest anyone could be from anyone else geographically.

**SwedenF** · 04-18-2012, 01:29 PM

	Originally Posted by Haumea To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	The definition of prejudice is "an unfavorable opinion or feeling formed beforehand or without knowledge, thought, or reason." I've been observing and contemplating the phenomenon for close to 15 years, so that definition can hardly apply. Everything except Booko's case meaning "everything without preexisting substantial real-life investment", not Booko's case down to every single detail.

Well, I can't argue with your experiences as I don't know them. Either way, let's just stop it there. I have no interest getting into a debate of this kind with you, because to me this is a personal matter and the way you state your opinion is only going to annoy me. So, thank you for your input and nvm my previous post.

Originally Posted by davai
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I think Haumea is just trying to be realistic abut things, nothing wrong with that. That cold realism is hitting the nail on the head in my opinion. So it's long distance, it can't stay that way for ever without being some charade of a relationship. Shit's gotta get real at some point, hasn't it? If two people truly wanna be with one another they'll make it happen, regardless of distance. Am I still in the prejudiced camp here? Tell me if I am and i'll try and reason this one through.

Not unrealistic camp, no. You are right, eventually it either has to break or one person has to move. But then again, I didn't write in my post that it can't get serious and one person moves, at least I don't believe I have written that. For me it's kind of subimplied that if you go for it, you have the intention to at some point be close. Would be kind of pointless otherwise, no?

@Magpie: Kudos on going for it. Not everyone would. And yeah, those are definitely some of the major obstacles when moving.

**koakuma** · 04-18-2012, 01:53 PM

4 years now. We know each other 8,5 years though.

Long story short: I just had to have him.

A 1500 km (932 miles) distance. It's pretty ok. Good airline connections, thank goodness.

Communication?
I have have 3000 free smses per month (to anywhere in the world) for very cheap price. We primarily use phone and skype, but also email. We are pretty busy people so we don't skype every single day. It comes and goes. But we at least contact each other every day - even if it's just by a couple of smses or a 5 minute phone call. There's of course regular visits too.

Moving there in half a year when I'm done with education.
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**SwedenF** · 04-18-2012, 09:50 PM

	Originally Posted by koakuma To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Long story short: I just had to have him.

I'd say that pretty much sums up why one gets into it =P Glad to see someone else who go for it, despite distance, and from how you describe it, it sounds like you two are happy despite distance. Thank you for sharing, and good look on the move =)

**kittencuddler** · 04-19-2012, 04:11 PM

I've been in one for 2 years, it's basically all I know from this relationship. I would much prefer it to be non long distance, but I consider the occasional nights of loneliness more than worth what we have now, long distance or not.

As koakuma said, it basically boils down to the "I just have to have him".

We talk on steam or skype nearly every day, play games together and watch movies and have skype sex and enjoy each other company in any way we can. We started out US - Norway, which was a lot harder. Now I'm in Scotland and we take monthly trips to visit each other, which is a metric shit ton easier (god bless ryanair). If we spend a week together or something it's always a lot harder to say goodbye.

I have another year before I can move there, but I think that's definitely doable with monthly/bimonthly visits.

If anyone has any questions feel free to ask me.

04-16-2012, 12:40 PM	#1
SwedenF Member [09%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 381	So, new here on the forum and relatively new to the knowledge that I am INTJ. I had a look around the online dating-tags thread, but didn't see anything focused on exactly what I wanted to ask the rest of you, so I decided to make my own thread. To the point. Reading around it's fascinating how well most things people write fits, and as such I am curious to hear what the rest of you think about long distance relationships. From an efficiency-perspective it's hardly a good idea, but I find myself only ending up in that situation. This occur to anyone else? I think the reason I do is because when you can't meet even if you want to, you are "forced" to resort to talking and that leads to deeper conversations. I couldn't care less what the person looks like, the only thing that attracts me is the mind and it takes a lot of talking to get there. That kind of talking rarely happens IRL, mostly because people don't usually feel comfortable with just sitting talking endlessly. As such, I personally never get the right kind of connection with someone anywhere close by, but do with people who are quite a long distance away. I should probably add that although I have no interest in parties or large groups, I've never been shy and have no problem initiating conversation. So it's not that I don't dare talk to people IRL, they just rarely have anything to say that makes me want to talk further. So in short, question is, any more INTJ's out there that end up in long distance most of the time? Do you go for it when you do, or do you leave it as it is? Why do you make that choice?
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04-16-2012, 12:52 PM	#2
Lilie Member [29%] MBTI: INtJ Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 1,163	I used to, but I don't waste my time on it any more. If you're truly content with this kind of relationship, why not but I want someone who will actually be there and who I can do things with out in the world and not just sit at home talking all the time.
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04-16-2012, 01:01 PM	#3
CaelestisPeste Core Member [143%] MBTI: INXP Join Date: Aug 2011 Posts: 5,735	I think that if both partners believe that it will work and there is a future together, then it should work, ideally. If one person gives up or falters, then the relationship will collapse. It's largely based on trust; probably even more so than a close distance relationship. Of course, there should be a plan to settle down together in the future, within driving distance.
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04-16-2012, 01:53 PM	#4
loki233 New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 34	It is difficult to manage long distance relationships. I feel like as an INTJ I do pretty well, but it adds a lot of stress to my relationship. I definitely think some people are better suited to it than others.
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04-16-2012, 02:03 PM	#5
Booko Veteran Member [87%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 3,502	My husband and I lived 800 miles apart for the first year he was in grad school, but we already had a relationship, as in engaged, and it was more a test to see if the marriage was a good idea than what normally goes for a long-distance relationship. I've seen friends of mine over the years have long-distance relationships, but the odds do not seem very good that they'll blossom into anything. There is something to be said for geographical availability.
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04-16-2012, 09:29 PM	#6
Marcus Septim Suspended MBTI: ISTJ Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 4,354	I've done it once I'm not doing it again Ever,period
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04-17-2012, 02:56 AM	#7
Haumea Veteran Member [85%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 3,438	Aside from the exception Booko brought up, I view them as an escape from reality rather than engagement with it. It tends to be a drug for introverts who should be getting out of their shell instead of indulging their weaknesses.
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04-17-2012, 06:27 AM	#8
mhy Member [05%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2011 Posts: 227	I'm in one right now, distance of 12,000km (that's about 7,500 miles for you Americans) We dated for 2 months before she went, and she will be back here in 3.5 months. So far it has been OK. The thing though is, I work full time and every night I have to get on Skype for 2 hours before bed which can be exhausting.
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04-17-2012, 09:07 AM	#9
Muse Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 3,392	A relationship with anyone that isn't right for you, or anyone that isn't good at relationships, will not work out. Context can make it easier or more difficult, but I think a majority of it boils down to something simple that proximity can't remedy. Details are just noise at times, and distract from the core issue. Core issues exist regardless of distance.
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04-18-2012, 12:42 PM	#14
Magpie New Member [01%] MBTI: ENFP Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 27	One more thing to consider is how to play out eventually moving together because the transition from weekend/holiday romance to everyday reality might be hard. I recently (okay finally) moved in with my boyfriend and even though our distance was only 200 km (124 miles) relocating meant losing most of my friends and having the trouble of finding a job and etc. I like to socialize more than him, so not knowing anyone else was tough. It really did some work settling down to a new city and not project my unexpected unhappiness on him. The issues obviously are different for everyone, but something most likely will come up and it's difficult to assess in advance which compromises are acceptable and which will become unbearable. It did work out for us though To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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04-18-2012, 01:53 PM	#17
koakuma Member [46%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 1,845	4 years now. We know each other 8,5 years though. Long story short: I just had to have him. A 1500 km (932 miles) distance. It's pretty ok. Good airline connections, thank goodness. Communication? I have have 3000 free smses per month (to anywhere in the world) for very cheap price. We primarily use phone and skype, but also email. We are pretty busy people so we don't skype every single day. It comes and goes. But we at least contact each other every day - even if it's just by a couple of smses or a 5 minute phone call. There's of course regular visits too. Moving there in half a year when I'm done with education. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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04-19-2012, 04:11 PM	#19
kittencuddler New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2012 Posts: 30	I've been in one for 2 years, it's basically all I know from this relationship. I would much prefer it to be non long distance, but I consider the occasional nights of loneliness more than worth what we have now, long distance or not. As koakuma said, it basically boils down to the "I just have to have him". We talk on steam or skype nearly every day, play games together and watch movies and have skype sex and enjoy each other company in any way we can. We started out US - Norway, which was a lot harder. Now I'm in Scotland and we take monthly trips to visit each other, which is a metric shit ton easier (god bless ryanair). If we spend a week together or something it's always a lot harder to say goodbye. I have another year before I can move there, but I think that's definitely doable with monthly/bimonthly visits. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask me.
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