[pizzo8575]

I have only recently been made aware of the MBTI personality types, one of my study group partners nagged me into taking the test, turns out I am an INTJ. Apparently, INTJs have a hard time dating. I have been consistently told that I am "cold" "unfeeling", etc. The few girls I have been interested in have described me this way and left. I think part of my problem is that I go to bars, and I hate bars, to meet people. Any Ideas? Thoughts?

-Different places that more intellectually inclined people hang out?
-Is being emotionally reserved and slow to open up bad?
etc

[Zephyranthes]

If you don't like bars, don't go to them to find people. Internet dating or something more to your interests are best. Libraries, book shops, arcades, local gatherings of some sort. You would have to work on starting up a conversation with a stranger though.

	-Is being emotionally reserved and slow to open up bad?

I'd say no. Overly emotional males aren't seen in the best of light, and opening up quickly is bad, rushing into it and all. Patience and taking it slow is good.

[Madisonkc]

-Different places that intellectual people would be more inclined to hang out?

Look in academic settings such as classes. I also highly reccommend for you to join a club. That way you'll have an excuse to consistently talk to girls while having fun doing activities that you like.

-Is being emotionally reserved and slow to open up bad?

Being emotionally reserved isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's a positive form of personal protection and caution.
But being slow to open up? To be honest, I would have to say that yes it is a bad thing. Especially since western culture usually depict men as the natural initiators and chasers in relationship-- girls expect you to actively seek/talk to them if you want to develop any type of connection. There are some girls (especially with strong extroversion) that could seek you out but I wouldn't depend on it.

[thesorehead]

Probably the single biggest thing that holds us INTJs back is our slowness to open up. This is true whether you're trying to find a partner, friends or even at work. People are all around and have a certain expectation of openness which we tend not to meet.

As for finding "prospects", I wouldn't narrow your focus by intellectual pursuit. +1 to joining a club or class to do something you're interested in. Life drawing; dancing; philosophy discussion; whatever.

[InsipidPariah]

In my previous experience dating as an INTJ you will simply learn to value quality over quantity. Several of my non INTJ male counterparts would go through girls every 2 to 3 months while I preferred to not go through the socially draining process of meeting new people that often. So I had many periods where I would simply not be dating anyone. Invariably I would meet someone I deemed decent enough to try dating or sleeping with every 6 months or so, to varying degrees of success.

One of the things INTJ's have going for them is that some girls will find your "cold" and "emotionless" nature to be very mysterious and will begin to pursue you because of this. Keep in mind there is a difference between being internally cold and emotionless and outwardly looking like a serial killer!

[Reita]

being emotionally reserved IS NOT bad at all, but let's be realistic, would you like to date someone if you cannot tell if they even like you?

I have a boyfriend, and it's a big problem that I can't express my emotions in a way he's used to.
If you can't do that, once in a while you just have to pick up a courage and tell them that you do care. I know it's hard, but it's just something you have to do.

[Haumea]

	I think part of my problem is that I go to bars, and I hate bars, to meet people. Any Ideas? Thoughts?

Wherever you go, there you are.
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Seriously, though - there's no reason an INTJ can't learn how to have fun - in bars even. It requires adopting a certain attitude appropriate to place perhaps, but it's hardly an unthinkable feat.

[simonmotorbike]

Well, the net has been really useful to me. You get time to compose replies and screen out those you don't like; opening out at your own pace.

When it comes to the first meet though, you need some material. Preparation.

[PerlaPan20]

Go to clubs and activities that interested you. You might meet and nice ENFP girl, we are kind of crazy but we LOVE INTJ.

Go to places that are social but still hold interest to you.

[ModernLit]

lol ^ perla. i'm not sure i can give a male Intj advice because males and females of the type handle things quite differently in the dating realm due to social roles and all that.

some guy tried approaching a girl at the library and wrote about talking to her and following her to a club meeting that he may go back to (even though he's no longer interested in the girl).

INTJ girls don't usually like being disturbed unless there's a purpose or you can offer something special. i've sat around libraries all the time wanting someone to come over and distract me, but then most of the time i am seriously studying and not wanting anyone even talking or whispering in my vicinity.

so coffee shops could be hit or miss too. i'm usually reading in those as well.

[PhantomStranger]

Originally Posted by pizzo8575 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have only recently been made aware of the MBTI personality types, one of my study group partners nagged me into taking the test, turns out I am an INTJ. Apparently, INTJs have a hard time dating. I have been consistently told that I am "cold" "unfeeling", etc. The few girls I have been interested in have described me this way and left. I think part of my problem is that I go to bars, and I hate bars, to meet people. Any Ideas? Thoughts? -Different places that more intellectually inclined people hang out? -Is being emotionally reserved and slow to open up bad? etc

In general: Woman want you to be emotionally available. Its how they form connections and relationships. By sharing how they feel ( and I’m not talking about the “I love you” but how you feel about the things your talking about) and been vulnerable by showing they trust that person.

When you do the same you make them feel special because you are willing to show your emotions, your vulnerability and to trust them with it.

[Letmeb]

You could start an intj group in your area, maybe through meetup.com and meet like minded women or whoever us intj ppl are compatible with. ??

[Scrotus]

Dear OP,

Words are...phonetics attached to observations humans have encountered. Tell me, how is it that humans are capable of quantifying complex emotions (which are sensations w/o intrinsic value) so well that they can express them with 100% accuracy? On top of that, how is it that a human can blindly tell another human "I'm mad" and except the other human to 100% know what they mean with 100% accuracy?

The answer to those questions is, "uhh durr scrotus...they can't." Precisely! INTJs are very aware of inner feelings. Yeah, they're strange and abstract. Some even consider them "icky" due to their "illogical" nature. Ho ho ho! Clever little intjs sticking to systems that they feel comfortable with and can understand why. Thus why many shun off social interactions and do so proudly.

So no, OP. No you're not weird for being cold. You're just unsure of how to articulate and properly convey what you TRULY feel. This is because INTJs have this little quirk where we don't like to speak about shit we're ignorant of (Hint: This includes our own emotions because they're hard to convey with short phrases, or 2-3 sentences for that matter). The best thing you can do is to describe what you feel to others. They say, do you love me? You say, "uhh, I dunno, but I feel [blahhhhhhhhhh] inside when I think of you. Is this love? Dunno, but that's the description of the sensation you make me feel ^_^?."

And like that, I hope you realize how subjectively "dumb" society is, and that you can now spread your wings and shit in the mouths of those who felt so confident in calling you "cold".

[krisl]

I've also heard that clubs can be great places to meet people. So far, it hasn't helped me find a nice guy, but you might try art classes or writing classes.

[Causa Mortis]

Originally Posted by pizzo8575 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have only recently been made aware of the MBTI personality types, one of my study group partners nagged me into taking the test, turns out I am an INTJ. Apparently, INTJs have a hard time dating. I have been consistently told that I am "cold" "unfeeling", etc. The few girls I have been interested in have described me this way and left. I think part of my problem is that I go to bars, and I hate bars, to meet people. Any Ideas? Thoughts?

You'll have better luck for anything other than hookups on OKC than in bars.

	-Different places that more intellectually inclined people hang out? -Is being emotionally reserved and slow to open up bad? etc

There are unfortunately not places where reasonably intelligent people meet in person that I'm aware of. There are things like coffee shops, book stores, museums, etc, but the numbers of attractive people in their 20s are pretty small. Hence why I've used OKC for a while to significant positive effect.

Clubs are just for hookups. Bars you can sometimes meet people for relationships, but its again mostly about hookups. OKC you'll find a decent mix, and can screen out whatever you don't want pretty easily. There is, of course, the social stigma, which I'd prefer to do without, but the end result has been a steady stream of 7+s who like sex and who are pretty bright, and I don't argue with that.

[Moxiie]

I agree with Perla, find yourself a nice ENFP girl, for some unfathomable reason we adore you complex, emotionless creatures called INTJ's.

Mostly because we KNOW it's all a front, that inside you do in actuality feel but that it's scary for you. I'll keep saying this until I meet one who proves me wrong, INTJ's are some of the most intelligent, quirky, tenderhearted and secretly (and oddly of course) romantic beings on the planet. We know that you're not going to get all gushy (and contrary to popular belief, most ENFP's are not overly gushy beings) BUT we do expect you to be honest about your feelings if we ask, and volunteer or find other ways of expressing it if you can't bring yourself to say it. (like the sort of unique quirky and meaningful gifts that only an INTJ can give...usually based on some inner joke you have with a girl.....we ENFP's prefer that over roses or some bs like that)

So there you have it, offer up at least a couple of nuggets about how you feel periodically, because no one wants to be in love with a robot.
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[PhantomStranger]

Originally Posted by pizzo8575 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have only recently been made aware of the MBTI personality types, one of my study group partners nagged me into taking the test, turns out I am an INTJ. Apparently, INTJs have a hard time dating. I have been consistently told that I am "cold" "unfeeling", etc. The few girls I have been interested in have described me this way and left. I think part of my problem is that I go to bars, and I hate bars, to meet people. Any Ideas? Thoughts? -Different places that more intellectually inclined people hang out? -Is being emotionally reserved and slow to open up bad? etc

Anywhere and everywhere. Don't limit yourself to one avenue of meeting women. If you see a girl you find attractive approach her. Just because you’re in a super market does not mean she won’t meet your criteria. You have to talk and approach allot of girls before you find the girls that will suite you. But be sincere about what you are saying.

This is not aimed at you personally but I see this allot on the forums about where to find the girl. It’s everywhere outside your house. Thinking ….ok library or museum only limits your options and ties you into a “quick fix” thinking i.e. “ I hate dating, approaching flirting so let’s get this over with as quickly as possible” – wrong attitude. Learn to enjoy the process. If you don’t enjoy something you won’t do it.

And as far as "cold" "unfeeling"..all it requires is an attitude change. When girls find out I am INTJ (I bring the subject up so that I can find there type and its great chat material), they read the description they normally say “but your warm” .

RE: Is being emotionally reserved and slow to open up bad?

In general yes. Don’t be reserved and don’t be shy. Open yourself up the experience. Women bond with their friends by sharing what they are feeling. It shows trust. Showing a little vulnerability about what you are thinking and feeling (not about her though that you keep to your self in the begining. But about things in general) shows that are willing to trust her with your feelings and that’s important to her. It helps her open up to you and creates rapport and trust.