What keeps us together and still so in love?

**Littllefilly** · 02-18-2012, 10:42 AM

I have already gotten so many answers to my questions here, I was thinking..
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I would go out on a limb and ask a big one. Ok we have been married 28 years and we have done just about everything wrong, at least once. We have said terrible things, we have sworn its over... although we have only had a brief 2 weeks apart, when we read the relationship books, everything they said not to do..we have done. Everything they say we should have been doing, we are 2 old dogs learning new tricks... so the learning curve could be better.

So why is it we are still sooooo much in love. Everyone who said we would never make it. Got divorced...and we are still together. We were highschool sweethearts married way too young. There is no other relationship I have that causes me such confusion and clarity.

So any opinions on what our secret is to keeping it together?

**Selene** · 02-18-2012, 10:57 AM

According to Sternberg's theory of love, you guys have achieved the fine balance and combination of the following: passion + intimacy + commitment = consummate love

**Littllefilly** · 02-18-2012, 11:20 AM

Than why do we still feel so clueless at times? We don't feel that balanced. We enjoy the same things, but sometimes struggle enjoying them together... maybe more than sometimes. We have a passionate love life..but that passion seems to trickle into our disagreements.. which can make them as hot as our love. Sometimes I say if we didn't love that hard we wouldn't fight that hard. But our fights hurt. Not physically. But they drain us.

**Distance** · 02-18-2012, 12:19 PM

We are a product of our foundational environments whether we unconsciously embrace past relationship dynamics or reject them. Perhaps your marriage and relationship dynamic resonates in a way that causes a form of comfort level within both of you.

Best guess based on no information at all.

**Littllefilly** · 02-18-2012, 12:27 PM

what kind of info would you need for an informed opinion? I want to be able to say I would do this in my next life... but since I am not sure what we are doing.. I can't. This life absolutely I am committed.. next life.. I am still on the fence.

**Distance** · 02-18-2012, 12:33 PM

It's not for me to rummage around in your psyche, particularly as a hobbyist. Better for you to review your own foundational environment, which includes parental dynamics between each other and each of them with you. Also get your partner to review his dynamics and then the two of you can discuss how your relationship works.

Not sure if this is wise though. If it works and is relatively healthy and satisfying, does it matter? To use a phrase coined by others, is it worth it to make it a 'thing'?

**Strange Moon** · 02-18-2012, 02:52 PM

Why do you want to know the "secret"? Be happy that your marriage works :-)
Accidentally my girlfriend and I are also together for almost 28 years now (un-married).
I also couldn't tell you our "secret". Maybe we just love each other, hahaha.

I think what we do well is give each other a lot of space but still always be there for each other.
We've had some rough times too and even broke up twice for a couple of days/weeks but that was a long time ago.
Like you and your husband we don't feel that balanced either. We still have to constantly work on the relationship and my girlfriend is certainly not my "dream woman" who can fulfill all my needs. For example she's a strong sensor and my intuitive mind would have died of mental starvation if I wouldn't have some intuitive friends with whom I can share my flights of imagination.
But hey, nobody is perfect. There are so few marriages/relationships that DO work for more than a couple of years that I'm not complaining.

**Littllefilly** · 02-18-2012, 04:29 PM

Most days we feel like we are in love.. few and far between days, we feel like we are insane, for thinking we are in love. Maybe we are just insanely in love.

**Thinker** · 02-18-2012, 04:32 PM

You should be telling us
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Sometimes things just work....and there are no "simple" overriding reasons.

**Littllefilly** · 02-18-2012, 04:53 PM

Well there you go.. you just answered one question. I think part of why I want to know is , when people say.".wow how do you say together so long and still be so in love?" We have no answer.

On our worse days.. those same people say, "wow why do you two stay together"?
Again no answer.

**krisl** · 02-18-2012, 11:01 PM

Hard to say. What kinds of things do you have big conflicts about?

**Littllefilly** · 02-18-2012, 11:20 PM

Stupid stuff, like most people. He says and does things that I find hurtful. Not divorce worthy things.. anymore. I suppose he would say he tries his best, but feels like his best isn't good enough, and it hurts him when he "lets me down" too. Then I might say..oh now your turning into you as the hurt party. Then I feel bad because I have made him feel bad. Then I get mad because he made me feel bad. Stupid, I guess in the scheme of things. But it is hard when it feels so important to me to not be let down. How much responsibility does a partner have to fulfill the needs of the other partner, who has concluded are important to them. If someone said .. is that stupid stuff so important you are willing to cut off your arm to defend its relevance? Those needs would seem insignificant.

**Purgatid** · 02-19-2012, 10:02 AM

Do you cuddle a lot? Closeness and caresses by other human beings produce
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, which acts as a neuromodulator and creates bonding.

**Littllefilly** · 02-19-2012, 11:57 AM

	Originally Posted by Purgatid To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Do you cuddle a lot? Closeness and caresses by other human beings produce To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. , which acts as a neuromodulator and creates bonding.

Not enough. So thanks for the input.
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**idoj** · 02-19-2012, 12:01 PM

Can't you get a prescription for that? Lol
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**Littllefilly** · 02-19-2012, 12:05 PM

	Originally Posted by idoj To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Can't you get a prescription for that? Lol To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

LOL. I already have way to many unused pharmaceuticals, I think we will try the old fashion method.

**zibber** · 02-19-2012, 12:43 PM

You've said terrible things. You've sworn it was over. You've had a divorce.

Is it a trick question?

**Littllefilly** · 02-19-2012, 12:49 PM

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You've said terrible things. You've sworn it was over. You've had a divorce. Is it a trick question?

Misunderstood again? Nope never a divorce. First marriage for both of us.

How come no one else thought that? Is it me? Or is it you? Cause I am all about editing, when necessary.

**zibber** · 02-19-2012, 12:54 PM

	Originally Posted by Littllefilly To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Misunderstood again? Nope never a divorce. First marriage for both of us. How come no one else thought that? Is it me? Or is it you? Cause I am all about editing, when necessary.

It was the "got divorced" part that got me, but I am seeing now that it was just inexplicable punctuation.

**Littllefilly** · 02-19-2012, 01:01 PM

ok I can't edit it, so here's the correction. After the "it" there should be a coma and the "G" should be a "g" in Got, lol... got it?
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---------- Post added 02-19-2012 at 01:05 PM ----------

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I like to perceive it as a typo, but it is all a matter of perspective, to me anyway.

**ricearoni** · 02-19-2012, 01:47 PM

Maybe it's that you've just got too much history with each other. All that crap you went through, that just strengthened things too.

**Littllefilly** · 02-19-2012, 02:25 PM

	Originally Posted by ricearoni To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Maybe it's that you've just got too much history with each other. All that crap you went through, that just strengthened things too.

This one I am adding to my list. It rings very true.
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**idoj** · 02-19-2012, 02:28 PM

They such things constitute an addiction...

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**Littllefilly** · 02-19-2012, 02:41 PM

	Originally Posted by idoj To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	They such things constitute an addiction... To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

You think? I don't get withdrawls. Does that mean I can overdose on him? lol sorry just had to.

**LauraSofia** · 01-05-2013, 01:08 AM

Nobody is perfect! True love doesn't come from an idealized version of your partner, it comes with time, after long hard won devotion to each other... not only that, you have mentioned others thought you will never make it... seems like between you faith moved mountains and a little challenge never hurt anyone! Just like me! I passed all that you said but in a short term of 5 yrs. And we are still together. He wasn't my high school sweetheart. In fact I broke up with my high school sweetheart because we were just into the puppy love matchmaker game and had different plans for our future during graduation. We grew up apart, gained different political views, different religions, different countries, too much different lifestyles, he wanted too much independence from me, and an impossible long distance relationship for too many years to count... our personalities clashed, we couldn't share anything anymore. With my partner now, we live the life we always dreamed of and we can share it together after working hard for it as a team having the same lifestyle, similar poitical ideals, similar philosophies, some hobbies we share and do them together,... we can't say we feel lonely... It's not easy but only with each other is when we can have that emotional security we always seek from a partner. I gues that's what you also seek together and maybe that's why...

02-18-2012, 10:42 AM	#1
Littllefilly Core Member [148%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 5,926	I have already gotten so many answers to my questions here, I was thinking.. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I would go out on a limb and ask a big one. Ok we have been married 28 years and we have done just about everything wrong, at least once. We have said terrible things, we have sworn its over... although we have only had a brief 2 weeks apart, when we read the relationship books, everything they said not to do..we have done. Everything they say we should have been doing, we are 2 old dogs learning new tricks... so the learning curve could be better. So why is it we are still sooooo much in love. Everyone who said we would never make it. Got divorced...and we are still together. We were highschool sweethearts married way too young. There is no other relationship I have that causes me such confusion and clarity. So any opinions on what our secret is to keeping it together?
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02-18-2012, 10:57 AM	#2
Selene Veteran Member [84%] MBTI: XXXX Join Date: Dec 2011 Posts: 3,383	According to Sternberg's theory of love, you guys have achieved the fine balance and combination of the following: passion + intimacy + commitment = consummate love
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02-18-2012, 11:20 AM	#3
Littllefilly Core Member [148%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 5,926	Than why do we still feel so clueless at times? We don't feel that balanced. We enjoy the same things, but sometimes struggle enjoying them together... maybe more than sometimes. We have a passionate love life..but that passion seems to trickle into our disagreements.. which can make them as hot as our love. Sometimes I say if we didn't love that hard we wouldn't fight that hard. But our fights hurt. Not physically. But they drain us.
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02-18-2012, 12:19 PM	#4
Distance Core Member [410%] MBTI: eNTj Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 16,437	We are a product of our foundational environments whether we unconsciously embrace past relationship dynamics or reject them. Perhaps your marriage and relationship dynamic resonates in a way that causes a form of comfort level within both of you. Best guess based on no information at all.
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02-18-2012, 12:27 PM	#5
Littllefilly Core Member [148%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 5,926	what kind of info would you need for an informed opinion? I want to be able to say I would do this in my next life... but since I am not sure what we are doing.. I can't. This life absolutely I am committed.. next life.. I am still on the fence.
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02-18-2012, 12:33 PM	#6
Distance Core Member [410%] MBTI: eNTj Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 16,437	It's not for me to rummage around in your psyche, particularly as a hobbyist. Better for you to review your own foundational environment, which includes parental dynamics between each other and each of them with you. Also get your partner to review his dynamics and then the two of you can discuss how your relationship works. Not sure if this is wise though. If it works and is relatively healthy and satisfying, does it matter? To use a phrase coined by others, is it worth it to make it a 'thing'?
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02-18-2012, 02:52 PM	#7
Strange Moon Member [06%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Oct 2011 Posts: 279	Why do you want to know the "secret"? Be happy that your marriage works :-) Accidentally my girlfriend and I are also together for almost 28 years now (un-married). I also couldn't tell you our "secret". Maybe we just love each other, hahaha. I think what we do well is give each other a lot of space but still always be there for each other. We've had some rough times too and even broke up twice for a couple of days/weeks but that was a long time ago. Like you and your husband we don't feel that balanced either. We still have to constantly work on the relationship and my girlfriend is certainly not my "dream woman" who can fulfill all my needs. For example she's a strong sensor and my intuitive mind would have died of mental starvation if I wouldn't have some intuitive friends with whom I can share my flights of imagination. But hey, nobody is perfect. There are so few marriages/relationships that DO work for more than a couple of years that I'm not complaining.
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02-18-2012, 04:29 PM	#8
Littllefilly Core Member [148%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 5,926	Most days we feel like we are in love.. few and far between days, we feel like we are insane, for thinking we are in love. Maybe we are just insanely in love.
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02-18-2012, 04:32 PM	#9
Thinker Core Member [117%] MBTI: INTj Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 4,685	You should be telling us To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. Sometimes things just work....and there are no "simple" overriding reasons.
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02-18-2012, 04:53 PM	#10
Littllefilly Core Member [148%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 5,926	Well there you go.. you just answered one question. I think part of why I want to know is , when people say.".wow how do you say together so long and still be so in love?" We have no answer. On our worse days.. those same people say, "wow why do you two stay together"? Again no answer.
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02-18-2012, 11:01 PM	#11
krisl Member [07%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2012 Posts: 315	Hard to say. What kinds of things do you have big conflicts about?
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02-18-2012, 11:20 PM	#12
Littllefilly Core Member [148%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 5,926	Stupid stuff, like most people. He says and does things that I find hurtful. Not divorce worthy things.. anymore. I suppose he would say he tries his best, but feels like his best isn't good enough, and it hurts him when he "lets me down" too. Then I might say..oh now your turning into you as the hurt party. Then I feel bad because I have made him feel bad. Then I get mad because he made me feel bad. Stupid, I guess in the scheme of things. But it is hard when it feels so important to me to not be let down. How much responsibility does a partner have to fulfill the needs of the other partner, who has concluded are important to them. If someone said .. is that stupid stuff so important you are willing to cut off your arm to defend its relevance? Those needs would seem insignificant. Last edited by Littllefilly; 02-19-2012 at 11:59 AM.
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02-19-2012, 10:02 AM	#13
Purgatid Veteran Member [63%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2011 Posts: 2,556	Do you cuddle a lot? Closeness and caresses by other human beings produce To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. , which acts as a neuromodulator and creates bonding.
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02-19-2012, 12:01 PM	#15
idoj Banned MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 2,603	Can't you get a prescription for that? Lol To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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02-19-2012, 12:43 PM	#17
zibber Core Member [407%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 16,291	You've said terrible things. You've sworn it was over. You've had a divorce. Is it a trick question?
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02-19-2012, 01:01 PM	#20
Littllefilly Core Member [148%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 5,926	ok I can't edit it, so here's the correction. After the "it" there should be a coma and the "G" should be a "g" in Got, lol... got it? To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. ---------- Post added 02-19-2012 at 01:05 PM ---------- To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I like to perceive it as a typo, but it is all a matter of perspective, to me anyway.
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02-19-2012, 01:47 PM	#21
ricearoni Member [22%] MBTI: INFJ Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 897	Maybe it's that you've just got too much history with each other. All that crap you went through, that just strengthened things too.
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02-19-2012, 02:28 PM	#23
idoj Banned MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 2,603	They such things constitute an addiction... To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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01-05-2013, 01:08 AM	#25
LauraSofia New Member [01%] MBTI: ENFP Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 14	Nobody is perfect! True love doesn't come from an idealized version of your partner, it comes with time, after long hard won devotion to each other... not only that, you have mentioned others thought you will never make it... seems like between you faith moved mountains and a little challenge never hurt anyone! Just like me! I passed all that you said but in a short term of 5 yrs. And we are still together. He wasn't my high school sweetheart. In fact I broke up with my high school sweetheart because we were just into the puppy love matchmaker game and had different plans for our future during graduation. We grew up apart, gained different political views, different religions, different countries, too much different lifestyles, he wanted too much independence from me, and an impossible long distance relationship for too many years to count... our personalities clashed, we couldn't share anything anymore. With my partner now, we live the life we always dreamed of and we can share it together after working hard for it as a team having the same lifestyle, similar poitical ideals, similar philosophies, some hobbies we share and do them together,... we can't say we feel lonely... It's not easy but only with each other is when we can have that emotional security we always seek from a partner. I gues that's what you also seek together and maybe that's why...
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