[walking]

Hi all

It's my first time posting here. I recently met an INTP guy who I bonded with really well. He keeps telling me I am special and there is love growing between us and I mean it as a genuine one. We respect each other a lot.

I know he enjoys chatting with lots of girls, and I never used to be bothered about that. I used to be very secure with myself, these matters didn't bother me. But lately, as I'm attaching to him more and more, I start to fear when a girl talks to him in any way we share our conversations. He always tells me I am the only one he enjoys company with but when I saw him chatting with another girl in almost the same manner i felt something precious was pried from me, and i fear he will whisk away.

I want to know from the INTPs on the forum, infact even the INTJs if you guys wish, as soon as you're in love with one woman, is it possible to like someone else at the same time just because she has a very small similarity to you, or could there only be one woman in your life?

Thank you, it means a lot to me! Gosh I hate being insecure with myself, it totally sucks, my first time being in love you see!
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[volk]

I know how you feel. I remember once my gf was doing a theater play and one scene involved her kissing another dude. That completely drove me nuts, even though it was just a play. One problem was thought, that the dude seemed to feel it was driving me nuts and decided to play a little game on me. My gf told me that he was practically trying to make out with her during one of the repetitions. That's when something inside me just snapped, so the next time I met him in a narrow hallway, I decided to give him a little lesson. I tell you one thing, it actually worked quite nicely since he didn't bother her anymore and seemed to avoid me. My gf was a little pissed at me though for trying to strangle her "friends". I wasn't serious though, just wanted to scare him a little
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[zibber]

I'm an INTJ guy with pretty strong P. I actually recognize what you describe, as I somehow have the most fun chats with all kinds of girls quite frequently. (The m/f ratio at my faculty is about 1/15, so I'm not sure I actively seek out women. Well.. maybe I do, anyway.) I don't really see them as anything more than fun, relatively shallow chats to make the university/library more enjoyable to visit (as I always have someone to chat with when I take a break), and it would take a lot more than small talk for me to fall for someone other than my girlfriend. I won't claim that I couldn't, if someone came along who matched with me better than she does, but I'd think every rational person would share this opinion.

If he tells you he's the only one and you sincerely like him, I don't see why you shouldn't assume he's telling the truth. If it turns out he's lying, he's a douchebag and I'm sorry he treated you like that.

	Originally Posted by volk To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	the next time I met him in a narrow hallway, I decided to give him a little lesson. ... I wasn't serious though, just wanted to scare him a little To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ha, what did you do? Don't leave us hanging like that
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[volk]

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Ha, what did you do? Don't leave us hanging like that To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ha, maybe that was my original intention
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.

Well, alright then, I think I'll illustrate a slightly different point by telling this story.

So there I was in this half dark narrow hallway by the dressing rooms and then I see this dude coming with that silly smile on his face. I knew pretty well what I had in mind so as he is about to go by I grab him by the throat and press him against the wall. Then, trying to sound as serious as I possibly can, I tell him that I know what he is up to because my gf has told me all about it. To my surprise he doesn't resist much at first, just standing there getting all red from the adrenaline building up in him. So I figured I'd just see how much he can take so I begin squeezing harder and harder, but at the same time keeping in mind not to go too far, so as not to cause any injuries. After about 15 seconds he explodes and starts screaming and kicking all over the place with his arms and legs. Unfortunately (for him) his arms were too short, so he couldn't reach my face. At that point an SJ chick comes running out of one of the dressing rooms screaming "What the hell do you think you are doing! Let him go!". So I let him go to make sure as few people as possible witness my violent side. SJ screams that I'm completely nuts and should get out of there before she calls the police. The dude quickly retreats and hides behind the SJ chick (literally, peaking out from behind her shoulder). That gives me a strong indication that he is a complete pussy and that my little violent act served its purpose... I leave the place celebrating my victory inside my dark and evil INTJ mind...

So you see, zibber, that would be one possible illustration of what love is
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.

[127001]

There can be only one.

Of course, since my jealousy issues cause me to prefer the girl not talk to any other male, I don't see how it can ever work out.

[Minerva]

Originally Posted by walking To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Hi all It's my first time posting here. I recently met an INTP guy who I bonded with really well. He keeps telling me I am special and there is love growing between us and I mean it as a genuine one. We respect each other a lot. I know he enjoys chatting with lots of girls, and I never used to be bothered about that. I used to be very secure with myself, these matters didn't bother me. But lately, as I'm attaching to him more and more, I start to fear when a girl talks to him in any way we share our conversations. He always tells me I am the only one he enjoys company with but when I saw him chatting with another girl in almost the same manner i felt something precious was pried from me, and i fear he will whisk away. I want to know from the INTPs on the forum, infact even the INTJs if you guys wish, as soon as you're in love with one woman, is it possible to like someone else at the same time just because she has a very small similarity to you, or could there only be one woman in your life? Thank you, it means a lot to me! Gosh I hate being insecure with myself, it totally sucks, my first time being in love you see! To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Ok, so I'm not INTx. Not even close, but here goes...

I know a few INTPs and two of them are close friends. From them I see that INTPs tend not to be chick magnets and they are usually very sweet and are usually placed in the friend zone by most women.

Now, from what I have observed of INTP behaviour about romance and friends, I think that he is being honest with you. The INTPs I know don't feel comfortable revealing their feelings to their objects of affection. They all are very afraid of getting rejected. It must have taken quite a lot of thought and planning before he was upfront with you about liking you. Have you two known each other long?

I don't know about the way he seems to be behaving around other females. Again, the INTPs I know, not to mention the INTJs, are very socially awkward. However, when INTPs find someone they can connect with, and some one who is willing to spend time with them, it is a rare thing. Therefore, I think that they welcome the chance to engage in meaningful conversations. If I were you, I wouldn't be too concerned with the other girl just yet. I say take it easy and see where it goes. INTPs are sweeties, at least the ones I know. Sometimes I have an easier time with them than my INTJ friends. They are more laid back and they don't have to be in complete control all the time.

Sorry INTJ guys!
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[ElstonGunn]

	Originally Posted by walking To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Gosh I hate being insecure with myself, it totally sucks, my first time being in love you see! To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Then either quit being insecure or quit being in love. Insecurity is not an attractive quality. I've been on the receiving end of it, and can get downright insulting of you keep bringing it up. In my case at least, I took it to mean that she thought that either I was a liar who couldn't be trusted, or that I was a barely-functional idiot with no will of my own.

On a related note, believe everyone who tells you that it's impossible for a male to enjoy talking to a female without having any romantic or sexual intentions, because that's a completely reasonable generalization to make, and all of us men are exactly the same anyways. I think I remember hearing a story once about a guy who had female friends, but he was probably gay or something.

[Monte314]

I'm a one-woman man. Always have been.

[PortInStorm]

Originally Posted by volk To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I know how you feel. I remember once my gf was doing a theater play and one scene involved her kissing another dude. That completely drove me nuts, even though it was just a play. One problem was thought, that the dude seemed to feel it was driving me nuts and decided to play a little game on me. My gf told me that he was practically trying to make out with her during one of the repetitions. That's when something inside me just snapped, so the next time I met him in a narrow hallway, I decided to give him a little lesson. I tell you one thing, it actually worked quite nicely since he didn't bother her anymore and seemed to avoid me. My gf was a little pissed at me though for trying to strangle her "friends". I wasn't serious though, just wanted to scare him a little To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

If you did that to me, I'd leave you in less than a heartbeat. It makes me angry just reading it, that you'd make a decision for her like that. If you don't like what she does, then leave her, but it's up to her whom or what she allows in her life.


But re: the OP, you are under the all-to-common misconception that men (and women) can only love one person. Or that if they love more than one, the quality suffers, if you will. NOT SO. Can a mother love more than one child? Do you only love one person in your family? Do you get jealous when your mother talks to another sibling or to her spouse?

I know, I know. You say "It's different"- no it's not. You say that because you've been programmed that 'romantic love' comes only in limited quantities and thus can only be spent on one person. Instead, love is unlimited, and each relationship is unique and can't be neatly divided into black and white - 'familial love', 'romantic love', 'friendship love'. Who here hasn't loved their spouse sometimes as a mother cares about a vulnerable child, respected or looked up to their spouse as you would a mentor or leader, while at other times been a pair of equals sharing times of friendship, then making love the next? It's not so clean-cut as we imagine.

So my advice would be to allow him to talk to and enjoy other women while you do the same with other men. In my personal view, this does not include sex. I myself would require a monogamous sexual relationship while he can still talk to and enjoy the company of other women. I mean, my husband shares unique connections with his mom, dad, brother, and female friends that I will never be privy to. Does that mean I should dump him because he gets fulfillment from someone other than me? NO- that would require me to be an egomaniac who believes I can fulfill all his needs and that I ALONE should be the centre of his world. If you don't believe this, let him talk to other women! If he didn't love you, he wouldn't stay. Not allowing him to talk to these other women isn't going to force him to stay in love and remain with you. Instead jealousy and insecurity will drive him away.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

The deal about insecurity is that you feel vulnerable and threatened. The vulnerability comes from the fact that you now have placed your trust in another person. If you don't put your trust in others, then you never feel vulnerable. The threat is that another person will take your place in this guy's heart/life.

The only way to deal with these issues (as far as I know) is to realize that people will let you down. Maybe this guy will leave you for another girl and maybe he won't. You can't really control that. The thing you have to ask yourself is......'can you survive it if he does'? Walk yourself through the worst case scenario and figure out the best way to handle it if this ever happens. Now you're prepared. If he dumps you than he dumps you..............if he doesn't than he doesn't. Either way you're still valuable, strong, and there are lots of other fish in the sea.

[PortInStorm]

Yes, in fact, that's something a friend and I were discussing lately. That such strong feelings of jealousy may come from a sense that one simply CANNOT survive without the man (not that that's the poster's position, I know). If you can, and you're all prepared, like Vague said, then it'll hurt, but you'll be OK.

Either way, you can't stop what he's going to do. But you can drive an otherwise faithful guy away with jealousy.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Lesson of the day....................the only person you can control is you.

[volk]

	Originally Posted by PortInStorm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you did that to me, I'd leave you in less than a heartbeat. It makes me angry just reading it, that you'd make a decision for her like that. If you don't like what she does, then leave her, but it's up to her whom or what she allows in her life.

Well, maybe you don't have very much self respect, but I do. It's not simply being her choice, and in fact she didn't have much of a choice (I'm not going into any more details). When someone steps over the line like that and doesn't bother apologizing, I take it extremely seriously. I'm not simply going to sit there and watch. Reasoning is not very effective in such situations either.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

	Originally Posted by volk To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Well, maybe you don't have very much self respect, but I do. It's not simply being her choice, and in fact she didn't have much of a choice (I'm not going into any more details). When someone steps over the line like that and doesn't bother apologizing, I take it extremely seriously. I'm not simply going to sit there and watch. Reasoning is of not very effective in such situations either.

I have to say I'm with you on this one. If someone I cared about was being used in a way they didn't like and were unable to do anything about it themselves............I'd definately take the 'back-alley' approach.

[127001]

	Originally Posted by PortInStorm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If you did that to me, I'd leave you in less than a heartbeat.

He was well justified. I'd have socked that jerk one or two and told him to stay well away.

The important part is that his girl implied the contact was unwanted. There can be only one response to that.

[punkyplatypus]

I'm loyal to the girls I'm in a serious relationship with. As soon as I know she wants a serious relationship, I either apologize for leading her on or I let her know I want one too and I explain what I expect out of it. If she agrees to what I have in mind and I agree to whatever she has in mind, I'll stay loyal until the relationship is ended by either one of us. I believe it's important to respect the other person's insecurities and to work to keep the relationship satisfying for both parties. If these cannot be maintained, consideration of ending the relationship may be the best choice.

To answer your question, I believe it is very possible to have strong feelings for more than one person at one time and to feel attraction to other women while in love with one. I also think feelings are uncontrollable while actions are. If you fault him, be sure to fault him for what he does not how he feels.

The most important parts of a relationship are trust and communication. If you're in a serious relationship with him, then talk to him about your concerns. Let him know what you expect from him out of this serious relationship. If after that you still can't trust him, then you might want to try counseling or leave the relationship. Problems won't get fixed by ignoring them.
You may also want to consider how you treat other guys you may be friendly with. Just because you love someone else doesn't mean you cut those guys out of your life. You're probably friendly with them in the same way he's friendly with girls he knows.

[PortInStorm]

He said she was angry about what he did to her friend, implying she thought he overstepped his bounds.

Edit:
it just seems like it was done for his revenge, rather than to 'save' her. It also implies that she's not a big enough girl to have resolved it on her own. Now if she had asked him to rough the other guy up, that'd be a different story. Finally, she may now wonder whether to tell him everything- what's the next tidbit that's going to set him on the warpath?

[Rick]

I'm also strictly a one woman man. Always have been.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Originally Posted by PortInStorm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

He said she was angry about what he did to her friend, implying she thought he overstepped his bounds. Edit: it just seems like it was done for his revenge, rather than to 'save' her. It also implies that she's not a big enough girl to have resolved it on her own. Now if she had asked him to rough the other guy up, that'd be a different story. Finally, she may now wonder whether to tell him everything- what's the next tidbit that's going to set him on the warpath?

Do you think there is ever a time in a relationship where one partner should step in whether the other person wants them to or not?

For instance, if I was at social event with my partner and some guy started roughing him up and he was fighting back, I would step in on his behalf whether he wanted me to or not. I don't care if he can take care of himself in the situation. What's more imortant to me is that I don't just stand by while someone acts aggresively and inappropriately toward my partner. This is more about my principles and beliefs than anything else. If my partner doesn't like this aspect of my personality, then he and I will probably have a problem.

[PortInStorm]

Sorry Vague, usually you and I agree, but not this time. I've done this before (stuck up for loved ones without them asking), and only gotten my head bitten off due to very screwed up family dynamics. But I don't say this because of that experience. Rather my sense of control is sincerely offended by someone just up and doing whatever they want with my life, even if they think they're doing the right thing. I, and only I, decide what the right thing is for me at any given time. It doesn't feel chivalrous (sp?) to me at all. In the example given, I know from experience that they usually feel 'unmanned' by my interference on their behalf- a perfect example of something I thought I was doing for the best, but that the loved one resented. I put their feelings above my own 'do-gooding' jollies.

So no, I don't believe a spouse should ever just do whatever, regardless of what I want.

[void]

	Originally Posted by 127001 To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	There can be only one. Of course, since my jealousy issues cause me to prefer the girl not talk to any other male, I don't see how it can ever work out.

It can work out wonderfully. Ever considered emigrating to Saudi Arabia?

I kid, I kid!

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Originally Posted by PortInStorm To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Sorry Vague, usually you and I agree, but not this time. I've done this before (stuck up for loved ones without them asking), and only gotten my head bitten off due to very screwed up family dynamics. But I don't say this because of that experience. Rather my sense of control is sincerely offended by someone just up and doing whatever they want with my life, even if they think they're doing the right thing. I, and only I, decide what the right thing is for me at any given time. It doesn't feel chivalrous (sp?) to me at all. In the example given, I know from experience that they usually feel 'unmanned' by my interference on their behalf- a perfect example of something I thought I was doing for the best, but that the loved one resented. I put their feelings above my own 'do-gooding' jollies. So no, I don't believe a spouse should ever just do whatever, regardless of what I want.

I see your point and it's a good one. Perhaps too much of my self-image is wrapped up in this, but I stand by my conviction. It is self-serving, in that I'm putting my need to act on my principles above the other person's desires. Thankfully, these situations rarely occur.

[curiousjane]

	Originally Posted by ElstonGunn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	On a related note, believe everyone who tells you that it's impossible for a male to enjoy talking to a female without having any romantic or sexual intentions, because that's a completely reasonable generalization to make, and all of us men are exactly the same anyways. I think I remember hearing a story once about a guy who had female friends, but he was probably gay or something.

Have I mentioned lately that you crack me up, friend?
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curiousjane added to this post, 13 minutes and 23 seconds later...

	Originally Posted by walking To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But lately, as I'm attaching to him more and more, I start to fear when a girl talks to him in any way we share our conversations. He always tells me I am the only one he enjoys company with but when I saw him chatting with another girl in almost the same manner i felt something precious was pried from me, and i fear he will whisk away.

This is going to happen at one point or another. We all desire to keep things to ourselves. I think your reaction is too strong, but I think you are also very conscious of this, and resent the instant pain of jealousy.

You have to decide a few things:

1) Do you trust him? Implicitly? (And by this I do NOT mean are you wiling to turn a blind eye, or hope against hope, but really, truly have a reason to trust him ... i.e. has he proven himself, in action, to be worthy of your trust?) Eventually, you will have to trust him or he will resent your relationship with him. Especially if he has told you, honestly, he isn't interested in the other girls. Of course, this is a whole other matter if he is simply playing you.

2) Do you care about him? Or are you simply being possessive? Is it just other girls you are jealous of, or does his interaction with his guy friends bother you, as well?

3) Are you insecure? You are responding in fear, not love. I know, this is a gut reaction. I react in fear all the time. But you have to face this, perhaps even talk to him about it, and acknowledge you need to work on fighting back the feelings that take you by surprise.

4) Is he the right person for you to be with right now? Perhaps you are battling feelings of doubt deep down and are trying to convince yourself he's "the one."

Sorry. Harsh words, I know. You have good intentions, and seeking advice here is a positive step. There is some reason to be "jealous" of a relationship that is not negative ... i.e. if you truly don't care AT ALL if your loved one is pursuing other romantic relationships on the side, then perhaps you don't need to be with that person anyway. A marital relationship, certainly, is reason to request that you both approach opposite-gender friendships with caution, careful to not cross boundaries into the more intimate gestures of love, affection, or physical intimacy. And a serious relationship, in my book, is definitely grounds for monogamy, especially physically/sexually.

I hope you find your answer, and grow stronger as a result. Best wishes to you and the INTP!