[iamhuman]

Is there ever a time when the ideal is to take things personally?

Or would it be better for us to learn that even when something is meant personally, we would be better off not to take it that way?

[ThirdEye]

Ideal? Probably not. People use personal attacks to strike a nerve and expose weakness, which is not ideal from a logical standpoint.

That said, there are times when it's not UNREASONABLE to take things personally. In my experience though, taking things personally never does any good, leaving only feelings of anger and clouding one's judgement. Not ideal.

[jerdol]

The term can be interpreted several ways:
1) Assuming something was personal.
2) Assuming something was personal to a greater degree than the facts indicate.
3) Becoming emotionally angry because of a perception that something was personal.

1 is definitely positive in the cases when something was intended personally. 2 is by definition an overreaction. 3 can be an overreaction or not, but it is an emotional reaction.

It is not my tactic, so I oppose it. However, it can be an effective tactic for its user. A person who overreacts to every slight (and taking it personally is the main way to overreact) deters people from slighting him.

[iamhuman]

Originally Posted by jerdol To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

The term can be interpreted several ways: 1) Assuming something was personal. 2) Assuming something was personal to a greater degree than the facts indicate. 3) Becoming emotionally angry because of a perception that something was personal. 1 is definitely positive in the cases when something was intended personally. 2 is by definition an overreaction. 3 can be an overreaction or not, but it is an emotional reaction. It is not my tactic, so I oppose it. However, it can be an effective tactic for its user. A person who overreacts to every slight (and taking it personally is the main way to overreact) deters people from slighting him.

So your argument is that it is beneficial to me to take things personally and react in a strongly negative way to every slight because people then will be less likely to slight me?

[Still Standing]

There are two sides to taking things personally. If I don't take attacks and criticism personally, why would I take a person's love and attention any more personally?

[jerdol]

	So your argument is that it is beneficial to me to take things personally and react in a strongly negative way to every slight because people then will be less likely to slight me?

Precisely. Overreaction is an effective tool. The ideal prisoner's dilemma personality is "kind, but vindictive," which is equivalent.

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe love and affection. Insults are best taken nonpersonally, look at the action that caused the response.

[iamhuman]

	Originally Posted by Still Standing To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	There are two sides to taking things personally. If I don't take attacks and criticism personally, why would I take a person's love and attention any more personally?

Because taking love and positive attention personally usually enhances your life and taking attacks and criticism personally usually diminishes your life.

---------- Post added 01-14-2011 at 08:30 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by jerdol To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Precisely. Overreaction is an effective tool. The ideal prisoner's dilemma personality is "kind, but vindictive," which is equivalent.

Do you think that perhaps the stress I am causing myself by being so vigilant and reactive may be actually more than the stress that would be caused by allowing the slights to occur in the first place?

---------- Post added 01-14-2011 at 08:31 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Maybe love and affection. Insults are best taken nonpersonally, look at the action that caused the response.

Why do you think that insults are best taken non-personally? Do you think that by doing this you are allowing someone to use you badly?

[Bluesea]

I think if you are interested in your personal growth and development you could take your reaction to what has been said personally, and find that interesting, and wonder what that is about... When you work that out, you might also work out why it feels the way it does when people say the things they do that you tend to take personally. Healing that wound will probably help this area from feeling as sensitive to being prodded.

[jerdol]

	Do you think that perhaps the stress I am causing myself by being so vigilant and reactive may be actually more than the stress that would be caused by allowing the slights to occur in the first place?

Varies by situation. If there's a worker who takes everything personally, the boss has a natural aversion to give her a bad review or to fire her. The crybaby child, who will be mad at the parent for days if the latter doesn't come to the recital, will get the parent at the recital.

[Autumnleaf]

	Originally Posted by iamhuman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Why do you think that insults are best taken non-personally? Do you think that by doing this you are allowing someone to use you badly?

I think if you take it personally you can get focused on revenge instead of any merit their insult may have. This is a waste of effort and emotional energy because the insulter doesn't really care most of the time. They care about themselves so whatever insult they make is not really about you anyways so much as it is about how they feel about a perception they had.

[iamhuman]

Originally Posted by Bluesea To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I think if you are interested in your personal growth and development you could take your reaction to what has been said personally, and find that interesting, and wonder what that is about... When you work that out, you might also work out why it feels the way it does when people say the things they do that you tend to take personally. Healing that wound will probably help this area from feeling as sensitive to being prodded.

I agree. I think you're talking about triggers. Things that people say or do that trigger a similar past experience(s) and the emotions that accompanied that experience(s).

Introspection is the key.

---------- Post added 01-14-2011 at 10:13 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by jerdol To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Varies by situation. If there's a worker who takes everything personally, the boss has a natural aversion to give her a bad review or to fire her. The crybaby child, who will be mad at the parent for days if the latter doesn't come to the recital, will get the parent at the recital.

Yes, but both of those people are very often in a negative state of emotion. That sort of thing can wreak havoc on a person's overall well being and longevity. They may get what they want in the short term, but the price they pay in the long term is quite high.

---------- Post added 01-14-2011 at 10:15 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Autumnleaf To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I think if you take it personally you can get focused on revenge instead of any merit their insult may have. This is a waste of effort and emotional energy because the insulter doesn't really care most of the time. They care about themselves so whatever insult they make is not really about you anyways so much as it is about how they feel about a perception they had.

I agree. Many slights/insults what-have-you are made because the person making them is in a bad mood, or hates everyone, or is mad at you, or is trying to manipulate or control you etc.

[psychobabble]

	Originally Posted by iamhuman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is there ever a time when the ideal is to take things personally? Or would it be better for us to learn that even when something is meant personally, we would be better off not to take it that way?

If someone says they love you, and really means it, you should probably take that personally. In a good way.
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Episthene]

I take everything personal personally, and that includes ideas and family.

Otherwise, you risk of developing a schizoid personality, which is a total blocking barrier between you and the external world. Not taking things personally is blocking and can be bad if it is your only defense. Eventually, you will not be able to block and/or will be overwhelmed. Not only that, but blocking will give the impression to the attacker that you do not feel anything, so he will redouble efforts.

I think the key here is control. You need to be in control. One way that the technique of sword fighting teaches is to protect your whole body with the sword, except one spot. This way, you know where the attack will be coming from. It is a lot easier to block or dodge something precise. You are in control.

One way I do try to do this now is to get angry at the slightest offense. Yes, even if it is a small thing, I do not let it pass. And by angry, it can be a small thing, like just raising the tone of the voice. People don't even realize what happened and they are shamed. Now they know your boundaries and will be cautious next time. And people actually respect you for that. There is nothing wrong at being angry, as long as you do not hold a grudge, which is bad for everyone involved. If they really want to fight, they will have to fight my anger, and not my vulnerable spots. I cannot even say I am actually angry, I just pretend, and that is enough. If you wait to explode, you are already dead.

I am also testing a scorched earth technique. It worked so far. The technique is to throw out ideas I do not care too much about in the conversations. This way, if the person has bad intentions, they are just attacking some decoys and I have some time to retreat unscathed and actually turn their own attack against them. It is especially useful with people you do not know anything about. It is a bit like poking with a staff. If they try to grab it, you can project them easily.

Don't forget that seduction is also a fight, but one you want to continue. If you play the dead possum, you may survive some predators, but for sure, you will miss your mate.

[Dover]

I have a tendency to take things personally. But, as long as I am conscious of this trait I let most things slide unless I know the person very well. I find my interactions with people go very well when I'm not looking for how things pertain to "me."

[khadi]

Take things personally when they are meant personally, but do not be provoked. Understand what is being communicated and why.

[benr3600]

It should be situational. You need to think it through, analyze whatever it is (which shouldn't be too hard for us) and look at it from all angles, and perspectives. The most important thing to remember, is not only the maturity factor, but that there is no way to get ahead, when trying to get even. Discerning something as personal is one thing, reacting in the typical way is another. A lot of times, you ARE better off in the long run to simply take it in stride. The way I see it, if somebody feels the need to goad you into an incendiary reaction, it says two things about them. And the second thing, is that their motive is something that isn't particularly ethical.

I used to be prone to responding to provocation in the way it was intended to happen, but as soon as I had realized the pattern, I decided to always think things through, no matter what is said or done. I can honestly say I am much better off as a result.

[Tacdryver]

	Originally Posted by iamhuman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Is there ever a time when the ideal is to take things personally? Or would it be better for us to learn that even when something is meant personally, we would be better off not to take it that way?

Your talking about the importance of things....there are times when things are important and when things aren't...know the difference.

[Mohammad]

I take pretty much everything personally. However, I also realize that others may not do so, so I prefer not to impose my ideas on others.

[iamhuman]

Originally Posted by Episthene To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I take everything personal personally, and that includes ideas and family. Otherwise, you risk of developing a schizoid personality, which is a total blocking barrier between you and the external world. Not taking things personally is blocking and can be bad if it is your only defense. Eventually, you will not be able to block and/or will be overwhelmed. Not only that, but blocking will give the impression to the attacker that you do not feel anything, so he will redouble efforts. I think the key here is control. You need to be in control. One way that the technique of sword fighting teaches is to protect your whole body with the sword, except one spot. This way, you know where the attack will be coming from. It is a lot easier to block or dodge something precise. You are in control. One way I do try to do this now is to get angry at the slightest offense. Yes, even if it is a small thing, I do not let it pass. And by angry, it can be a small thing, like just raising the tone of the voice. People don't even realize what happened and they are shamed. Now they know your boundaries and will be cautious next time. And people actually respect you for that. There is nothing wrong at being angry, as long as you do not hold a grudge, which is bad for everyone involved. If they really want to fight, they will have to fight my anger, and not my vulnerable spots. I cannot even say I am actually angry, I just pretend, and that is enough. If you wait to explode, you are already dead. I am also testing a scorched earth technique. It worked so far. The technique is to throw out ideas I do not care too much about in the conversations. This way, if the person has bad intentions, they are just attacking some decoys and I have some time to retreat unscathed and actually turn their own attack against them. It is especially useful with people you do not know anything about. It is a bit like poking with a staff. If they try to grab it, you can project them easily. Don't forget that seduction is also a fight, but one you want to continue. If you play the dead possum, you may survive some predators, but for sure, you will miss your mate.

I see your point. It's a matter of being O.K. with taking something personally. I think we may be talking about levels of self control here. I must admit that once I 'take something personally', then I have less self control. So it appears that I am tricking myself into maintaining control by not taking that particular thing personally even when it is intended to be personal.

But, if I allow people to dictate what I take personally (ie if they intend it personally, then I take it personally), then is this good for me?

---------- Post added 01-16-2011 at 07:49 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Tacdryver To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Your talking about the importance of things....there are times when things are important and when things aren't...know the difference.

Pick your battles?

---------- Post added 01-16-2011 at 07:49 AM ----------

	Originally Posted by Mohammad To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I take pretty much everything personally. However, I also realize that others may not do so, so I prefer not to impose my ideas on others.

Does this have a negative effect on you?

[Mohammad]

	Originally Posted by iamhuman To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Does this have a negative effect on you?

It does not. It is merely a realization.

[knuckleball]

The key to taking things personally is understanding the intent behind what is said. I've been misunderstood many times where someone thought I was insulting them and I totally didn't mean to. You can also look to see if this person is like this with everyone and you can just write it off as a general personality defect or if you're being specifically singled out.

[benr3600]

	Originally Posted by Mohammad To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	It does not. It is merely a realization.

I understand this. As long as you take it to that final step, and intellectualize the real reason for it, you are good. It is something I am in the process of mastering. The problem most have, is not progressing to this. That is when irrational and incendiary reactions take place.

[Zsych]

Yeah, in relationships, take things personally (at least a little - so you can actually act and resolve things)

In social relationships - you're usually dealing with primitive animals. Let them feel that they've gained the upper hand and you're creating inconvenience for yourself.

This not taking things personally idea is only when dealing with mature people.

[arohaia]

If I took things personally it may mean the other person was right, and I know how unlikely that is ...