[workingdays]

Hi all.. I have been lurking here for 1 year.. the discussions here have been very helpful to my understanding of my intj friend.

There is no easy way to start this, so I will just unload and hope you will be able to understand. Basically early on, after we met for around 6 months, I began to have feelings for my INTJ friend. He then reciprocated by telling me (by sms) that he also had feelings for me. This pretty much surprised us both cause I'm not exactly great at seeing INTJ's hints & he was unconvinced that I liked him.

18 months on, he has been giving me a lot of mixed signals. Often when we go out, he mentions he does not want to be in a relationship. Yet he does not shy away when I touch and flirt with him. I would suppose if you found someone unattractive you would put an end to that. I decided to finally ask him tonight if he felt uncomfortable with me liking him.

My INTJ friend, lets call him A, naturally feels awkward. The reason I wanted to know was if my flirting was making him anxious... I wanted to let him know that since I respected him, I would stop doing it if he tells me so. (I am weird that way) He then tells me that he likes my company, & that all along he has liked me, but he doesn't need a relationship, doesn't need the drama, he thinks he is probably asexual like an amoeba (that was a random idea I gave him).. and tells me how selfish he is, unsuitable for any relationship, needs to concentrate on his career, don't want to ruin the friendship..etc.

I understand each and every idea against a relationship that he has proposed.. but i can't see how he arrives at this end conclusion. It seems to me that there is a very strong psychological issue/s disturbing him to not want to form a close committed relationship. I asked him, but it seems that this part is opaque to him. (and he has been quite honest with me so far). As a friend, I care enough for him not to insist on a relationship.. but I am quite concerned that he sees himself so negatively. Yeah he seems to want me around to like, & 'go with the flow'...

I am not such an narcissist that I don't believe that my personality plays a part in why he prefers to 'just be friends'. He has in the past thought I was a drama queen. (which turned out to be a misunderstanding..) We influence each other a lot and enjoy talking random funny things. When I first met him I was really surprised at how similar we were, it was like we were mirror images (inverse) and could read each other thoughts. We also had our issues, but have come to a mutual understanding towards each other. He is also one of the sweetest people I have met. He has told me he feels the same towards me..

A is probably a INTJ with a strong Ni & Fi & weak T (has only 1 prior short relationship, ran away when the girl asked for more commitment)
I am an INFP with a weak T/F (has only 1 prior short relationship) & much older than him.

So my questions are:
1) Why does A think so negatively about committed relationships, & is it normal as an INTJ to dwell this way? Esp if they never really dated? If not, as a friend, is there anything i should/ can do?
2) Does the number of reasons A gives means that he will never consider a committed relationship with me, but may just want my friendly company, and that I, should stop holding a torch for him? i.e. its hopeless... Or should I do something..?
3) Do you think A is just an immature INTJ? (not in the bad sense, just not having learned certain things mature INTJs should know?)

Hope kind souls out there can give me some good insight.. I'm treasure this friendship a lot.. but I also really hope we can be more..

added::
1) I have some insight into his past relationships and childhood, so i'm not really seeking an answer from the psychological past.. I'll just like to know more about individual INTJ experiences...

Thanks for taking the time to read.
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[FeelTheNoise]

& much older than him.

I think that you might need to discuss this aspect of the potential relationship with him to find the answer you are looking for.... Not saying it is the cause, but you addressed so much else, and just sort of tossed that in there. It doesn't _have_ to be a big deal, but it might be a _big deal_.

[workingdays]

actually there's a few other things that could be an issue as well: race, religion, age. yup all different... I am older than him by 4 years. I guess perhaps because I have seen him as an equal for some time, (& I think he does too) these things haven't really popped into my head as serious issues for now. Although I acknowledge they could be issues in the long run.. but not with him. (instinct..i guess)

Thanks for the heads up.. I will find some time to discuss this with him.. it doesn't have to be a big deal.. but MIGHT BE A BIG DEAL ... as you said.

[umala]

Does A like himself?

[workingdays]

This is quite tough. He seems to have issues about his looks (which is pretty ok). But I think overall he has confidence in his abilities which translates to some liking I guess.

But he has also been undergoing some major stress in his life... hasn't able to find a job for almost a year despite all his efforts.

[FeelTheNoise]

I am older than him by 4 years.

I'm sorry, but I have to say that I had a really big laugh at that. Not at your expense, but my own. Four years and MUCH older. Ha. You must be quite young, and maybe four years is a big deal.... Myself, I'm having conversations with two gals right now who are 13 and 15 years younger than me. One has the capacity to be a deep and intellectually stimulating relationship (INTJ), the other, a flirtatious affair of frolick and frivolity (ESFP). Due to the age difference alone, I don't yet know if I'll want to take these 'relationships' past the conversation level, or if they will, yet or not.

[workingdays]

well.. i'm glad i provided some amusement for you..haha. XD

Yes, I'm in my late twenties.. :D
Actually I think an ESFP might be a good match for a mature INTJ.. enough differences to make it interesting, & also the functions are somewhat similar: though inverted. But of course its really up to the individual preferences..
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[katrin]

If you are say, 28 and he is 24, that's not a major age difference. (At least not in the US, where I live. Where you live may be different...)

Has he said, or have you asked him, if he has felt sexual attraction toward anyone ever? Could he be gay and repressing his natural orientation due to cultural or religious or other reasons?

It sounds like he is not sexually attracted to you but if he's truly asexual, I don't see how you two could have a real romantic relationship, assuming you want the kind that includes sex.

[workingdays]

Hey katrin,

Yeah.. i did ask him regarding his sexual orientation & even mentioned the Kinsey scale. He doesn't think he is gay. I think the asexual idea was something I introduced to him in a convo where I mentioned someone who thot he was asexual. I don't know if he really dead-set regards himself as asexual. It's a strong possibility at this moment in time though.

He seems to be a Ni-subtype..hmm

But yes, I can consider the idea that he does not find me sexually attractive. If it is true, well..
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[katrin]

Originally Posted by workingdays To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Hey katrin, Yeah.. i did ask him regarding his sexual orientation & even mentioned the Kinsey scale. He doesn't think he is gay. I think the asexual idea was something I introduced to him in a convo where I mentioned someone who thot he was asexual. I don't know if he really dead-set regards himself as asexual. It's a strong possibility at this moment in time though. He seems to be a Ni-subtype..hmm But yes, I can consider the idea that he does not find me sexually attractive. If it is true, well.. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

But he hasn't been with any other women? Ever?

[Booko]

	Originally Posted by workingdays To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	But he has also been undergoing some major stress in his life... hasn't able to find a job for almost a year despite all his efforts.

There can be many reasons for being hesitant. It's hard to guess which reason or reasons those might be.

That said, anyone can take a serious hit in the self-image department when they're out of work for that long, and in my experience, it's even worse for men.

Also, a "serious relationship" implies "being able to support someone else" from a man's pov, yes, even in these days.

At the time DH and I were dating and fairly seriously, he would NOT move on the subject of anything more permanent, even though I was working and making a good wage. Until he got a teaching fellowship and an income of his own, there was no movement. Then the next day after he got the news, he proposed.

Well, those are some random thoughts that may or may not be of any use.

Oh, I married a guy 2 years younger. I like to get 'em while they're still at their peak of virility.
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[workingdays]

I don't know.. I haven't asked him regarding tt yet..
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I think I shocked him a bit by being so forthright talking about it. It was good though to ask.

I think you have some points about the job thing... Guy friends around my age say stuff like that about putting marriage off until they finish their * plans *. I suppose the girl is willing to wait.

The poll results is very indecisive....I was hoping it would be clearer..hmmm
But thanks to those who did the polls.
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