Does fighting mark the (slow) death of a relationship? - Page 2

**JustMel** · 08-31-2010, 08:46 AM

PMS is not a legitimate excuse for a failure to communicate. I can understand feeling bad.. I'm female I've been there but I get tired of it being used as an excuse to bitch.

**divinity8** · 08-31-2010, 10:11 AM

Hm. Fighting has never been an issue for me in romantic relationships. I imagine it's because I am heavily intuitive, and as soon as I feel something's off (my SO is upset, hurt, offended, stressed, etc), I address it immediately. Of course there will be disagreements from time to time (no one agrees on everything all the time), but I am a staunch believer that there is nothing that cannot be discussed civilly. My childhood was anything but peaceful, therefore, I strive for calm at just about any cost. I simply refuse to live my life surrounded by constant stress and disharmony.

In having observed hundreds of relationships over my lifetime, I can say that fighting has almost always been the beginning of the end. I believe it's because once you begin fighting with one another, your affectionate feelings slowly die and are replaced by resentment and offense...this results in a tragically vicious cycle. Unfortunately, that is incredibly difficult to walk through successfully. Not impossible, but the odds aren't bright.

**catzmeow** · 08-31-2010, 10:34 AM

I don't like fighting, loudness, yelling, or excess drama. I find it very emotionally unsettling.

I like dating an INTJ because I feel like we can communicate and solve any problem that arises without a lot of craziness. It's hard for me to imagine being really angry at my boyfriend, because he's basically a good person who tries very hard to be considerate. And, I'm basically the same way. We both want the other person to be happy, so we try to compromise to make that happen.

If we were screaming and yelling a lot, I'd see that as a huge warning sign. I've been in those kinds of intense/dramatic relationships, and I can't do that anymore. Too difficult and damaging.

**Necrosis** · 08-31-2010, 10:37 AM

	Originally Posted by JustMel To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	PMS is not a legitimate excuse for a failure to communicate. I can understand feeling bad.. I'm female I've been there but I get tired of it being used as an excuse to bitch.

I 100% agree with you that it shouldn't be an excuse and far too many women use it as one. This was actually on the radio and so many women admitted to it. But I do understand that it can cause increased stress etc. and I know personally when I'm stressed I get irritated and you lash out at people from time to time. Thats really what I mean.

**Allie** · 08-31-2010, 11:00 AM

	Originally Posted by Katrin
	"Digs at each other's vulnerabilities" to me would be a deal breaker. That negates love.

Me too, Katrin. Personally intolerable and a deal breaker, and stated upfront as well, along with other deal breakers. I seem to work backwards, where I focus on the worse case scenarios from the start, then work myself into the relationship, as it continues to develop positively. Anything that is even remotely similar to this, then it would have been over immediately.

**Ilara** · 08-31-2010, 01:38 PM

Where fighting = disagreeing loudly and without caring about/paying attention to each others' perspectives, I'm definitely not interested in fighting (especially not daily!).

If my partner's disagreement style were like that, I don't think I could cope. I find that to be the most painful and least productive method of making a point. I'm generally more of an identify-the-issue-and-sit-down-to-discuss-it-carefully person (withdrawing to calm down as necessary) than a scream-it-out sort of person. If my partner were a scream-it-out person we would be so fundamentally incompatible in this way that I don't think it could work between us.

Whether or not you can hack the fighting would depend on whether or not it works for you, no?

I could forgive and cope with one or two explosions, but realistically I just can't hack it on anything resembling a regular basis. Disagreeing is fine. Fighting in the sense that I use it is not.

I'm a bickerer, but my bickering is in good fun; not at all serious. I don't use it with those who aren't bickerers, either. I like silly/playful banter. If that's what you're talking about for "fighting", then daily is fine with me.

**Sparko** · 08-31-2010, 07:11 PM

Lots of great input so far.

Here are my 2c. I think fights are inevitable. I believe the purpose of a committed relationship and love in the truest sense is to have the object of your affection be a mirror to you of who you are as a person, and to help you grow into a better man/woman. Having said that, it's not easy being told you need to consider a change in behavior/habits. Assuming these fights are within in the bounds of mutual respect and unconditional love, they can lead to the kind of breakthrough's that make both the relationship stronger, the love deeper and the individual lives the couple leads happier.

If fights are breaking out and one person is disrespectful or putting conditions on love and acceptance, than this is a sign of an emotionally immature person and it is the relationship with the emotionally stagnant that usually leads to breakups.

**mononoaware** · 09-03-2010, 01:28 PM

Fighting can be caused by many things, but I think a key consideration is the age of the relationship.
If two people are still getting to know each other, then persistent bickering might be due to fundamental differences between them that weren't apparent when the relationship began... in which case it could be the end.
If it's a serious, long-term relationship, then it could be fine... I know couples who seem to argue constantly, but are very happy together and won't ever break up.... depends on the type of person, I suppose. Also, as others have said, fighting in long-term relationships can be a symptom of stresses elsewhere (particularly children or money), in which case the problem isn't really with the partner at all.
I'd say that the clearest indicator that a relationship is failing is not arguing, but contempt for your partner. Don't look at the argument itself, but rather at the reasons behind it, and the feelings it evokes... just frustration/annoyance, or more than that.

**LadyInHeels** · 09-03-2010, 11:33 PM

I think a conflict free relationship is not natural (something's being shoved under the table), however- I think it is necessary that a couple has the proper tools for resolving conflict in a mature and civilized way. The longer couples are together the more they know each other's hot buttons, and the key is to just NOT hit so below the belt that there's no returning to love.

Conflict can be resolved in a healthy, mature way- but it takes a lot of immediate effort and practice

**Commissar** · 09-04-2010, 02:18 AM

Fighting is a natural part of any relationship. Besides, it's better to get things out of the way rather then let them boil over and explode.

**Ipsissimus** · 09-16-2010, 09:16 AM

I simply visualise it as a dynamic probability based on increased tension. Greater tension means a weaker bond. Plain and simple.

Every fight is an indicator of possible breakup unless resolution is met. Otherwise a sequence establishes what many call a downward spiral. The latter is best avoided.

Sensible to end relationships when the forecast says 'heavy rain all week'.

08-31-2010, 08:46 AM	#26
JustMel Core Member [422%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 16,891	PMS is not a legitimate excuse for a failure to communicate. I can understand feeling bad.. I'm female I've been there but I get tired of it being used as an excuse to bitch.
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08-31-2010, 10:11 AM	#27
divinity8 Member [04%] MBTI: Infj Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 187	Hm. Fighting has never been an issue for me in romantic relationships. I imagine it's because I am heavily intuitive, and as soon as I feel something's off (my SO is upset, hurt, offended, stressed, etc), I address it immediately. Of course there will be disagreements from time to time (no one agrees on everything all the time), but I am a staunch believer that there is nothing that cannot be discussed civilly. My childhood was anything but peaceful, therefore, I strive for calm at just about any cost. I simply refuse to live my life surrounded by constant stress and disharmony. In having observed hundreds of relationships over my lifetime, I can say that fighting has almost always been the beginning of the end. I believe it's because once you begin fighting with one another, your affectionate feelings slowly die and are replaced by resentment and offense...this results in a tragically vicious cycle. Unfortunately, that is incredibly difficult to walk through successfully. Not impossible, but the odds aren't bright.
divinity8 is offline post a comment

08-31-2010, 10:34 AM	#28
catzmeow Core Member [148%] MBTI: ENFP Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 5,949	I don't like fighting, loudness, yelling, or excess drama. I find it very emotionally unsettling. I like dating an INTJ because I feel like we can communicate and solve any problem that arises without a lot of craziness. It's hard for me to imagine being really angry at my boyfriend, because he's basically a good person who tries very hard to be considerate. And, I'm basically the same way. We both want the other person to be happy, so we try to compromise to make that happen. If we were screaming and yelling a lot, I'd see that as a huge warning sign. I've been in those kinds of intense/dramatic relationships, and I can't do that anymore. Too difficult and damaging.
catzmeow is offline post a comment

08-31-2010, 01:38 PM	#31
Ilara Veteran Member [95%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 3,835	Where fighting = disagreeing loudly and without caring about/paying attention to each others' perspectives, I'm definitely not interested in fighting (especially not daily!). If my partner's disagreement style were like that, I don't think I could cope. I find that to be the most painful and least productive method of making a point. I'm generally more of an identify-the-issue-and-sit-down-to-discuss-it-carefully person (withdrawing to calm down as necessary) than a scream-it-out sort of person. If my partner were a scream-it-out person we would be so fundamentally incompatible in this way that I don't think it could work between us. Whether or not you can hack the fighting would depend on whether or not it works for you, no? I could forgive and cope with one or two explosions, but realistically I just can't hack it on anything resembling a regular basis. Disagreeing is fine. Fighting in the sense that I use it is not. I'm a bickerer, but my bickering is in good fun; not at all serious. I don't use it with those who aren't bickerers, either. I like silly/playful banter. If that's what you're talking about for "fighting", then daily is fine with me.
Ilara is offline post a comment

08-31-2010, 07:11 PM	#32
Sparko Member [06%] MBTI: ENFP Join Date: Aug 2010 Posts: 244	Lots of great input so far. Here are my 2c. I think fights are inevitable. I believe the purpose of a committed relationship and love in the truest sense is to have the object of your affection be a mirror to you of who you are as a person, and to help you grow into a better man/woman. Having said that, it's not easy being told you need to consider a change in behavior/habits. Assuming these fights are within in the bounds of mutual respect and unconditional love, they can lead to the kind of breakthrough's that make both the relationship stronger, the love deeper and the individual lives the couple leads happier. If fights are breaking out and one person is disrespectful or putting conditions on love and acceptance, than this is a sign of an emotionally immature person and it is the relationship with the emotionally stagnant that usually leads to breakups.
Sparko is online post a comment

09-03-2010, 01:28 PM	#33
mononoaware New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jun 2010 Posts: 23	Fighting can be caused by many things, but I think a key consideration is the age of the relationship. If two people are still getting to know each other, then persistent bickering might be due to fundamental differences between them that weren't apparent when the relationship began... in which case it could be the end. If it's a serious, long-term relationship, then it could be fine... I know couples who seem to argue constantly, but are very happy together and won't ever break up.... depends on the type of person, I suppose. Also, as others have said, fighting in long-term relationships can be a symptom of stresses elsewhere (particularly children or money), in which case the problem isn't really with the partner at all. I'd say that the clearest indicator that a relationship is failing is not arguing, but contempt for your partner. Don't look at the argument itself, but rather at the reasons behind it, and the feelings it evokes... just frustration/annoyance, or more than that.
mononoaware is offline post a comment

09-03-2010, 11:33 PM	#34
LadyInHeels Member [06%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 275	I think a conflict free relationship is not natural (something's being shoved under the table), however- I think it is necessary that a couple has the proper tools for resolving conflict in a mature and civilized way. The longer couples are together the more they know each other's hot buttons, and the key is to just NOT hit so below the belt that there's no returning to love. Conflict can be resolved in a healthy, mature way- but it takes a lot of immediate effort and practice
LadyInHeels is offline post a comment

09-04-2010, 02:18 AM	#35
Commissar Member [12%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2010 Posts: 514	Fighting is a natural part of any relationship. Besides, it's better to get things out of the way rather then let them boil over and explode.
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09-16-2010, 09:16 AM	#36
Ipsissimus New Member [01%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2010 Posts: 24	I simply visualise it as a dynamic probability based on increased tension. Greater tension means a weaker bond. Plain and simple. Every fight is an indicator of possible breakup unless resolution is met. Otherwise a sequence establishes what many call a downward spiral. The latter is best avoided. Sensible to end relationships when the forecast says 'heavy rain all week'.
Ipsissimus is offline post a comment