[eseya]

I am not married, but my best friend is my boyfriend. Before we were together, we were just like brother and sister, I could tell him anything (now I can do the same), on any topic. After some time we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I never thought that I will fell in love, but this happen.
But this was exception, many opposite sex friends become couple, but also there are many who are just simply friends, who can hang out, spend good time. If you really love person to whom you are married, friendship with opposite sex is nothing bad.

[shytiger]

I think if you can't tolerate your spouse having an opposite sex friend then it is a weakness in your marriage. It says that you are afraid your spouse will leave you if he/she spends time with a person of the opposite sex and that you can't tolerate the idea. The sign of a healthy relationship is wanting the happiness of the other person, regardless of your own needs, so if your spouse decides that he/she would be happier with another person, you have to accept that. You have to accept that you may lose the person you love to another and, if anything, that will make your relationship stronger. Preventing your spouse from spending time with people of the opposite sex to forestall that possibility is like attaching a chain. It is an act of bondage.

[Rachminov]

I'm far too young to be getting married, so I may sound a bit naive, but I agree with you. Conversations with me are the richest when done in a secluded setting and if that looks way too sketchy for my husband, then I would begin to doubt whether he knows me as much as he should in the first place.

[FeelTheNoise]

I think that things do need to be taken on a case by case basis. More importantly, I think that things have to be discussed openly. Most important of all, there needs to be a sort of 'contract' upheld in the relationship (marriage or otherwise) that allows for what is taken out of the relationship through the existence of opposite sex friends to be put back in.... Let me explain.

First -- let's all get this clear -- more often than not, what is 'brought back to' a relationship from an SO's opposite sex friend is a venereal disease (in other words, yes, they are screwing, or acting out the desire to screw in some form or another. If ONE of them isn't (the SO), then the other (the friend) is... and that can be just as problematic).

Now, on to the good stuff. From a traditional perspective, if you are female and you start allowing male friends to 'fix' your problems, emotional or otherwise, you are taking from your male SO his role, his responsibility, his ability to be a 'man' for you. If you are male and you are allowing a female friend to provide you with comfort and emotional security, you are taking from your female SO that role. Again, I am speaking from a traditional perspective (that I do believe is fairly well ingrained in most people, whether they want to admit it or not). This type of male 'fixing' and female 'appreciating' goes on between the sexes, whether it's a bonafied relationship or not. So, sex aside, there's a risk that such opposite sex friendships are taking from your relationship on what we might call an 'emotional' level. In order to ameliorate this 'taking' effect, I think that it's the responsibility of the person with the opposite sex friend(s) to work out a way to bring back to his or her relationship an 'emotional energy' that they get from the friendship(s).

Stated simply -- the person with the opposite sex friend should actively and consistently reveal to his/her SO the benefits that the SO is getting from the friendship(s). One shouldn't take for granted their 'right' to have friends of the opposite sex. Nor should one give them up just for the sake of their relationship. Instead, they should state often and loudly both the need for the friendship(s), and the benefits of the friendship(s) to the relationship.

[Mustard Seed]

I don't believe women and men can just be 'friends'. The notion that they can be is probably one of the reasons for a good portion of the chaos in the world today.

[sircockburn]

	Originally Posted by plotthickens To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Nobody and nothing tells me what or who I spend my time with. This reeks of control-freak problems. Patriarchial control-freak problems, at that: the wife with low self-esteem feels she has to 'protect' her husband from other predatory women who want that prize; the man won't let anyone 'poach'.

This.

My husband hates some of my male friends, but it's because they genuinely annoy him, not because he's all threatened. I hang out with them anyway, I just try not to have them over at the house too often.

Where do people get this idea that marriage means cutting yourself off from the outside world? Ridiculous. No wonder people are so afraid of commitment.

All it means is that you intend to spend the rest of your life with a romantic partner. That's it. These inprisonment elements, I don't know where they come from.

If you can't actually invest all your trust your spouse, then you're really not fully committed, now are you? You're holding back.

[Auntie]

I have never given up an opposite sex friend because of a romantic relationship.

Having said that, there are some "rules" which I consider prudent.

1) The partner is not excluded from the friendship. Partner is to be friendly, accepting, and sociable. Friend is to respect the partner and return the show of friendship, even if only casually. Each relationship is shown the respect it deserves, by all parties.
2) Friend will not attempt to isolate one partner from another or nurture an atmosphere of secrecy which locks out the partner. At this point, the "friend" is not a friend at all, but a predator who will be given the boot. PROMPTLY.

I think most healthy adults have no problem with this.

[sircockburn]

Originally Posted by Auntie To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I have never given up an opposite sex friend because of a romantic relationship. Having said that, there are some "rules" which I consider prudent. 1) The partner is not excluded from the friendship. Partner is to be friendly, accepting, and sociable. Friend is to respect the partner and return the show of friendship, even if only casually. Each relationship is shown the respect it deserves, by all parties. 2) Friend will not attempt to isolate one partner from another or nurture an atmosphere of secrecy which locks out the partner. At this point, the "friend" is not a friend at all, but a predator who will be given the boot. PROMPTLY. I think most healthy adults have no problem with this.

Ridiculous. Some of my male friends prefer spending time with me alone because my hubby ends up just being a third wheel. There are different things that I keep solely between me and different people. It has nothing to do with me cheating on him or whatever, so there's really no reason that my husband HAS to know about everyone in my life.

It's none of his business.

[invicta]

	Originally Posted by Mustard Seed To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I don't believe women and men can just be 'friends'. The notion that they can be is probably one of the reasons for a good portion of the chaos in the world today.

For sure. Economic crises, wars, government corruption, terrorism, and poverty have nothing on the damage caused by men and women attempting to be friends. Might as well kill ourselves off today rather than suffer through any more of these phony baloney "friendships."

[Auntie]

	Originally Posted by sircockburn To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Ridiculous. Some of my male friends prefer spending time with me alone because my hubby ends up just being a third wheel. There are different things that I keep solely between me and different people. It has nothing to do with me cheating on him or whatever, so there's really no reason that my husband HAS to know about everyone in my life. It's none of his business.

You have a right to your opinion. It does not make mine or yours ridiculous. Yours would never fly with me.

[mossem84]

Not when you are gay
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The problem lies with trust. If you trust your partner then let them make their own decisions about their life outside of you. If they wrong you somehow, never speak to them again...hah! My most recent ex never gave me space of my own because she was so co-dependant. INTJs need their space and trust, otherwise we will be pushed far, far away.

I now believe the only viable relationship options are serial monogamy and polyamory. We be love nomads.

Lastly, confidence is super attractive and desirable. Be confident in yourself, your partner and you relationship and that kind of thinking will only bring about positive feelings.

[EPMD]

If someone really wants to cheat they will find an opportunity, if not with friends then with coworkers or someone else.

[sircockburn]

	Originally Posted by Auntie To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You have a right to your opinion. It does not make mine or yours ridiculous. Yours would never fly with me.

I wasn't referring to your opinion itself as ridiculous. I was referring to your assumption that most healthy people would agree with you.

[Auntie]

I didnt say agree with me.

I said not have a problem with it. As in, a friend not having an issue with it if your marriage partner likes that setup