[Antares]

I have a one size for all rule regarding social interactions. I treat all people, no matter how much I love or hate them, with the same upbeat, cheerful but implicitly detached style. If I hate or like someone, it's my business, and I don't need the world to know what I think of them in order to function. Except for two people (both platonic friends), I have never expressed serious affection even if I do feel it. Aside from them, I have always refused point blank to speak whenever anyone try to probe my true feelings towards them. If they didn't get the hint and ask me outright, the response is: "I'm not going to tell you that. I'm just not." Apparently, according to a newer friend of mine, it can be both unnerving and intimidating. Now I really wonder how many people I scared away because I'm neither hot nor cold. People knows that my demeanor is a default mode of operation, and I treat everyone like this.

Does anyone have a similar experience?

[retardbatman]

Pretty much the same thing for me, but I do show people I can't stand that they're better off somewhere else.

I like to believe that for every 1 person I push away that I might like, there's ~50 that I'll find fucking annoying.

[Leg]

It's the same for me.... I quite confuse people.

[Booko]

Yeah, my nickname was Spock back in grade school, for good reason.

I'm not very demonstrative and people often mistake that for a lack of compassion, sympathy, interest or whathaveyou.

It can chase some people away if they don't bother to ask what I actually feel. If someone asks, I might opt to tell them.

I'm sure I have fewer friends than I might because of my demeanor, but if the price of having more friends is having to act like someone I'm not, so be it.

Besides, I don't do well with "friends" who assume and don't ask. I don't care to waste my time trying to read others' minds or on people who think they're very good at reading mine.

[programmer780]

Yes. Exactly.

[GouldFan]

Yes, I have heard something like that before from my family members. I don't know how many people I scared away, since I didn't notice how they felt about me. I don't understand why treating everyone the same way would scare them, but the fact that I don't have many close friends (although plenty plenty of 'good' acquaintances) may be the proof of that. My sister argues that people I don't consider close friends sometimes think otherwise, but I have no idea.

[Booko]

Anyone else get loads of crap because you don't have a smile pasted on your face all the time?

Or do people think you're angry when you're just thinking?

Geez, I couldn't wait to move out of the house just to get away from that.

[callalilly]

Hmn. I was about to say no, but thinking on it, I say yes. I don't express my thoughts on how I view people in an emotional sense. It's kind of like my friends are my friends because they are my friends, and others are not my friends because they are not. It drove an isfj I knew crazy because while he could sense I had an opinion of him, I would never say.

[Ilara]

In general, I would agree that I am similar to what's described in the OP.

... Except that there are a few people for whom I have 'special' expressions and vulnerabilities. My siblings, close friends, and boyfriend are the privileged ones who see something else entirely. With them I am openly affectionate--partly by inclination, partly by conscious effort to ensure that they know that I like them.

Occasionally my poker face gets me into some trouble with people. At the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, there were some sticky bits, and I had to learn to be more open in my affection. I get mistaken for 'cold' or 'harsh' when I surprise people by being affable right up until one of my limits.

My perception, however, is that the issue isn't really that I'm 'unreadable' and it leads to problems, but rather that, because I keep my cards close to my chest, provided somebody doesn't press my boundaries I'm capable of being affable if poker-faced. The sudden, firm assertion of my limits and boundaries seems to come as a shock to quite a few people, maybe because they get the impression that all is well with me regardless of what they do with me, since I'm 'always' so calm and hard to read.

[RITheory]

Well my girlfriend gets pissed sometimes (we are still together though). Sometimes, after sex, we cuddle, and I'll get up and, say, get something to drink only to sit down in front of the TV after (in her room though). She thinks that I'm ignoring her and that I'm upset, when honestly I'm just zoning out (i do the same thing when I eat, so when we do lunch or dinner, she thinks I'm upset with her). I always seem "distant" and when I don't spend a weekend with her (I need my alone time, you know?) she thinks I'm upset with her.

Now that I think about it, nearly everything I do as an INTJ (zone out, act even slightly distant, ect) she hates. Honestly, I have no idea how she's still with me...guess that's the power of love?

[Analytix]

I've been told I come off as stoic or bland because I tend to keep conversation at a distance until I decide you're someone I want to keep talking to. People used to get mad because I would multi-task and seemingly completely ignore them, but when they brought it up I had a really long elaboration and answer to their story that I'd been listening to.

[bloozie]

A friend of mine just called me a 'Vault' and said that I should start opening up and that everyone likes me.

I think my calm demeanor toward many of the people that I see on a regular basis has had an effect on the type of relationship that I can have with them. Besides my close friends, I noticed that there are a few people who seem to be curious about me and are trying to understand me. And then there are the other types who acknowledge me and bother to deal with me. I'll stress more on the ones that seem to be curious about me. I guess they find me to be interesting, yet I don't budge or show any sense of emotion toward them whenever I talk to them. I keep my distance from them because I also do find them to be interesting, yet it seems as if I don't have any reason to jumpstart a deeper relationship with them unless they reassure me that starting a relationship with them would be good for both of us.

Do any of you guys know of any people that seem to be curious or want to know and understand you a bit better... yet you just put up your guard toward them?

[Aurelia]

	Originally Posted by Antares To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	I have a one size for all rule regarding social interactions. I treat all people, no matter how much I love or hate them, with the same upbeat, cheerful but implicitly detached style. If I hate or like someone, it's my business, and I don't need the world to know what I think of them in order to function.

What is unnerving is that they do not know what you're thinking. It's a very smart thing to do even though it can make people feel uncomfortable at times. Usually when I dislike someone's behavior, they know exactly what I think and it's not because I'm gossiping about them. I say it to their face. If anything I would like to be less confrontational and more detached. Staying out of senseless arguments on INTJf is helping to train me
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[Bluesea]

Yes I get what you are saying here and it is also about choosing not to buy into people's bullshit and being kind of immune to it in appearance level, not wanting to reinforce it, and move the situation beyond hang up city, however it can lead to people thinking you are not affected by things and finding you harder to read. I think once trust is established with people - people who probably give less of their bullshit to you - it is not as necessary to be in this mode. It is not a hostile mode in fact the opposite, a very permissive and accepting mode as it allows the person to be whatever they are hang-ups bullshit and all - after all don't we all have this so, whats the interest level really in sharing it or imposing it on others, it is our responsibility to handle it and we are ok with taking that responsibility so assume others will be to. I guess some people want us to fix it, or indulge them in it, by our reactions and we are not always realising this with our philosophy ...? Or thinking past it, which makes it irrelevant?

It does seem strange and misunderstanding like when people react to it like it is a form of antagonism or hostility / difference that is problematic .... guess that is why we feel so misunderstood at times or aware of our individuality , 4% of the population experience ... perhaps our INTJ predisposes us to being less reliant on socially normative or well socialised and typical ego responses?

It does not I think mean we are not affected at a feelings level, just that we choose not to let this affect guide our next response, we use the T instead and consider the most constructive response instead... or something ...? This might throw people because it is less predictable?

[Supaslim]

I think it has, negatively. I've had friendships fall horribly apart because I'm way slower than everybody else to open up. I don't like pouring everything I am into a person, just to have them turn around and tell my life story to some stranger. I need to establish a very high level of trust before somebody learns something important about me. And, partially thanks to that, I have a hard time finding friends.

To make matters worse, since I'm equally cordial with everybody, people who annoy the hell out of me think I'm their friend because I'm not mean to them like everybody else. It's happened no less than four times, now, that somebody I really can't stand follows me around and pesters me because I showed an ounce of civility towards them.

There are only maybe four people I'm really myself around- my parents, my brother, and an old friend of mine. I'm more energetic around them, less cautious, and let more of my personality show- because I know I'll be accepted, because that level of trust was built.

	Originally Posted by Booko To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Anyone else get loads of crap because you don't have a smile pasted on your face all the time? Or do people think you're angry when you're just thinking? Geez, I couldn't wait to move out of the house just to get away from that.

That's me, entirely. My aunt always gives me a REALLY hard time about it. She always says, "A blue jay will fly over and poop on your lip if you keep pouting and sticking it out like that." And, of course, I'm not upset or anything when she say that (well, I'm pissed, after), I'm just thinking- and my thinking face is a blank face. Since I have a slight underbite thanks to a too-long mandible, my bottom lip sticks out a little bit naturally. I hate when she says that (and she says it every time she sees me!). I mean, it isn't my fault that my genetics gave me an underbite. So sue me.

Other people always assume I'm angry or having a bad day when I have my blank-face going on, and sort of tip-toe around me until I ask them what their problem is, that they're so uptight. I can kind of understand why they think that, though- I do look kind of mad when I'm zoning out. My underbite combined with angry shaped eyebrows (don't know how else to describe them, they're kind of flat and angle in) makes me look bad-tempered.

It happens when I eat, too- I don't socialize when I eat, I eat. Go figure. So when I'm zoning and chewing while everybody else is talking through their food, people assume I'm upset.

[RITheory]

Originally Posted by Supaslim To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

And, of course, I'm not upset or anything when she say that (well, I'm pissed, after), I'm just thinking- and my thinking face is a blank face..... .....Other people always assume I'm angry or having a bad day when I have my blank-face going on, and sort of tip-toe around me until I ask them what their problem is, that they're so uptight..... ....It happens when I eat, too- I don't socialize when I eat, I eat. Go figure. So when I'm zoning and chewing while everybody else is talking through their food, people assume I'm upset.

A nice big amen to all of the above...It's even worse when you're deaf like me, and everyone signs through their food, so you have no way of saying "I'm sorry I missed what you said...?" when your shoulder is tapped, because there's no way food impedes the signer, causing them to think that you should have seen what they said (signed). Consequently, it's an even bigger insult to the people having the conversation than normal; several of my friend's friends don't like me because they think I am "ignorant" of the conversation (because eating together involves everyone sitting around facing each other, the resulting ease of visuality has caused it to be a prime way for deaf people to communicate or have a group conversation of some sort, and thus of almost monumental importance....think of someone in a close-knit family not coming to family dinner, that sort of thing).

[SuperSmart101]

I act the same way. I usually scare some of my coworkers off because they find it scary that I seem like I am unemotional.

[Aurelia]

	Originally Posted by Supaslim To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	II don't like pouring everything I am into a person, just to have them turn around and tell my life story to some stranger. I need to establish a very high level of trust before somebody learns something important about me.

There are people who are close to me but they still don't know everything there is to know about me. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[BuShinJu]

	Originally Posted by Ilara To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	The sudden, firm assertion of my limits and boundaries seems to come as a shock to quite a few people, maybe because they get the impression that all is well with me regardless of what they do with me, since I'm 'always' so calm and hard to read.

This,

Some people seem to think because there is no outward display that nothing is happening internally.

It's all happening internally baby!