Head-scratching Situation...

**Lurch** · 06-07-2010, 07:18 PM

Okay, get a load of this. The wife of one of my coworkers asked me to join them for dinner sometime. This was somewhat out of the blue; I was leaving work and she was waiting to pick him up when this came up.

Me and the guy have known each other for a while but have never done anything socially outside of work, and his wife and I have only talked briefly in passing a few times, but maybe she's one of those types that reeaaallly likes INTJs for some crazy reason (what is that, an ENFP??) She does have a real friendly and outgoing, slightly zany, personality.

But wait there's more!! She mentioned something about bringing someone along like other family, so I thought great, my parents would probably enjoy meeting them. So, later that night when I was talking to my dad on the phone, I gave him the quick rundown of what I listed above, and the response was... well, decidedly lukewarm. He also said that when she said bring "family" she probably really meant "girlfriend". He didn't come right out and say he didn't want to go, but that's the impression I got.

So by the end of the night I was left in a serious state of "WTF do I do now?", which is never a place an INTJ likes to be! I haven't heard anything further about dinner plans, so I guess it's possible that the husband (my coworker) vetoed the idea. Who knows.

I guess I'll end up going by myself if they still want to go through with this, but it seems like that'll be just a little awkward!

Anyway, I guess the reason I'm blithering about all this here is that it looks like I could use some insight from some other types who have better understanding of this kind of social stuff, because this goes waaay outside my area of expertise, and I've already badly misjudged my parents' reaction, so I'm not really trusting my instincts anymore on this!

Thoughts??

**Gobbbler** · 06-07-2010, 09:08 PM

Well, I'm an INTJ too, but I've been though this kind of thing. I'm talented at being a third wheel - probably because my friends and new acquaintances mainly now have SO's whereas I am almost always 100% single.

So, I can completely understand your dad's reaction. Parents aren't really the ones to go along in this kind of thing. You should bring someone closer to both of your age groups. They probably did mean a girlfriend or something, but I'm sure that a brother or sister would have sufficed. Bringing parents would be kind of weird.

As for awkwardness of the actual thing, last year I went out with a coworker and his wife. They're both introverted and kind of joined at the hip. We had a good time. It wasn't really awkward. I probably would have made it that way if I felt awkward about it, but I have plenty of old friends from high school or college or whatnot who I go visit and see as a couple. Sometimes I even meet an old friend and their spouse or girlfriend* and we have dinner and whatnot. No big deal. Just try to be a bit conscious about not letting the conversation neglect one of them too much. Even if it does, no big deal, they're a couple, they're used to that happening.

Bottom line, don't worry about it.

*EDIT: I mean their spouse or girlfriend who I don't already know.

**Dasein** · 06-07-2010, 10:31 PM

LOL yes, she definitely meant a wife or girlfriend. She probably is an ESTJ, and likes organising people and picking friends for her hubby to play with. Be complimented. She approves of you.

**Krazy P** · 06-07-2010, 10:49 PM

Unless the culture of your company strongly supports socialization after work, this is trouble.

"Don't shit where you eat" is the crude way of putting this issue.

And yes. she meant girlfriend.

If your company does support this socialization, then bring a fellow co-worker to the event. Make it a work event. Don't kid yourself that this is a "social" event.

It is work and should be treated as such.

**Gobbbler** · 06-07-2010, 11:01 PM

Originally Posted by Krazy P
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Unless the culture of your company strongly supports socialization after work, this is trouble.

"Don't shit where you eat" is the crude way of putting this issue.

And yes. she meant girlfriend.

If your company does support this socialization, then bring a fellow co-worker to the event. Make it a work event. Don't kid yourself that this is a "social" event.

It is work and should be treated as such.

I disagree. I have friendships outside of work. Almost always have on anything I'm at for a while job. People have always invited me to do stuff and it is probably more harmful to work to repeatedly decline.

Work friends are almost always different than my other friends though. I try to keep them light and am careful to behave myself. I stay away from politics, religion, personal issues (except light, universal gripes) etc. I also avoid social scenes I don't fit into or other potential problem situations. Sometimes friendships develop further. It's good to have friends at work.

---------- Post added 06-08-2010 at 02:04 AM ----------


	It is work and should be treated as such.

I wouldn't necessarily disagree with the sentiment behind this in terms of how you conduct yourself.

**zibber** · 06-08-2010, 02:50 AM

If I invited a coworker for dinner and they showed up with their parents, I would be very confused.

**shytiger** · 06-08-2010, 08:40 AM

Strange to use the word "family". Is that really a euphamism for girlfriend? Why should she specify what kind of person you invite? I would go alone probably.

**plotthickens** · 06-08-2010, 09:27 AM

"Your family" in this society usually means "your nuclear family", indicating mate and offspring. It does not usually mean extended family (mate, offspring, parents, uncles/aunts, etc).

If they have kids, they were asking you and your mate and child to dinner. If they do not, they were asking you and your mate -- it is easier to use the word 'family' than it is to use the words 'husband or wife, depending on whichever you've got or even date if you're not married, sorry to assume one way or another'.

**Lurch** · 06-08-2010, 05:20 PM

	Originally Posted by zibber To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	If I invited a coworker for dinner and they showed up with their parents, I would be very confused.

LOL ...from this and a few other responses I can see that I inadvertently left out an important bit of information!

You see, the coworker and his wife are about the same age as my parents, so that's why I thought of them (parents) when the guy's wife mentioned bringing "family". In my reasoning I thought "hey, they're in the same age group, and the three of us guys all work in similar professions" so it seemed logical.

I should mention that most everyone I work with is older than me, and in most cases much older than me. I tend to get along better with people older than my own age group anyway, and I've gotten so used to it at work that I usually forget how big an age gap there is between me and most of my coworkers.

**Apocynum** · 06-08-2010, 06:08 PM

I wasn't going to chime in till I read this last bit. In this case, I wouldn't worry over much about the invite or whom you bring with you. Your profile says you're an ME. I'm an EE and had the same sort of work situation when I was newly out of school, for a while really. My co-workers took a more fatherly approach, yes, due to age difference. The wife is probably just trying to make sure that your life isn't all work, like it typically is for most engineers and probably for her husband (your co-worker), when he was younger, if not still.

Of course, your parents would be the most nervous of the lot you could invite. They could spawn an awful lot of office gossip and speculation with just a few misplaced words or stories.
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**INTJoe** · 06-08-2010, 06:23 PM

Show up with your grandmother's urn.

**Silence** · 06-08-2010, 06:28 PM

It sounds like you're worrying about something that really isn't worth worryng over. Just ask your coworker what his wife meant by 'family'. She may have been grasping for an appropriate term, and didn't know if you had a steady girlfriend/boyfriend, or what. 'Family' is a nice safe way of couching such things when you don't know another's orientation. Just double-check with your co-worker, and don't let too much time go by on the invitation. If you don't want to go, just say that you're awfully busy with obligations after work- if your friend asks, it will likely be to answer his wife when she asks him "why?", so if you say they're obligations with your family, it will suffice. Little fibs like that are okay; don't go all elaborate with it. If you do want to go, just mention that it sounds like fun, and ask them to give you a few days' heads-up so you can bring something. This is NOT a work-invitation, or the wife would not have invited you; your co-worker would have.

The custom is to bring something nice to drink- either a bottle of wine, or of sparkling cider, exotic coffee or tea, and some cut flowers (the flowers from the local grocery store are fine- just no red, pink or white roses.) No hard liquor. It doesn't matter if either of them say not to bring anything; bring the previously-listed things anyhow. Be sure the price tags are off of both beverage and flowers before you arrive at their house. And relax, and have fun- this is how outside-of-work friendships get started. This is a good thing.

**Gobbbler** · 06-08-2010, 10:40 PM

	Originally Posted by INTJoe To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	Show up with your grandmother's urn.

Awesome.

**zibber** · 06-10-2010, 01:02 AM

Originally Posted by Lurch
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LOL ...from this and a few other responses I can see that I inadvertently left out an important bit of information!

You see, the coworker and his wife are about the same age as my parents, so that's why I thought of them (parents) when the guy's wife mentioned bringing "family". In my reasoning I thought "hey, they're in the same age group, and the three of us guys all work in similar professions" so it seemed logical.

No, that doesn't change anything
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**Tough Love** · 06-10-2010, 01:30 AM

Bring whoever you want and you will be confortable with. Better to have a nice chatty dinner with them and your parents rather than a stiff one with some random you felt obliged to bring.
Where im from family doesnt mean partner
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06-07-2010, 07:18 PM	#1
Lurch Member [02%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 119	Okay, get a load of this. The wife of one of my coworkers asked me to join them for dinner sometime. This was somewhat out of the blue; I was leaving work and she was waiting to pick him up when this came up. Me and the guy have known each other for a while but have never done anything socially outside of work, and his wife and I have only talked briefly in passing a few times, but maybe she's one of those types that reeaaallly likes INTJs for some crazy reason (what is that, an ENFP??) She does have a real friendly and outgoing, slightly zany, personality. But wait there's more!! She mentioned something about bringing someone along like other family, so I thought great, my parents would probably enjoy meeting them. So, later that night when I was talking to my dad on the phone, I gave him the quick rundown of what I listed above, and the response was... well, decidedly lukewarm. He also said that when she said bring "family" she probably really meant "girlfriend". He didn't come right out and say he didn't want to go, but that's the impression I got. So by the end of the night I was left in a serious state of "WTF do I do now?", which is never a place an INTJ likes to be! I haven't heard anything further about dinner plans, so I guess it's possible that the husband (my coworker) vetoed the idea. Who knows. I guess I'll end up going by myself if they still want to go through with this, but it seems like that'll be just a little awkward! Anyway, I guess the reason I'm blithering about all this here is that it looks like I could use some insight from some other types who have better understanding of this kind of social stuff, because this goes waaay outside my area of expertise, and I've already badly misjudged my parents' reaction, so I'm not really trusting my instincts anymore on this! Thoughts??
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06-07-2010, 09:08 PM	#2
Gobbbler Member [21%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 867	Well, I'm an INTJ too, but I've been though this kind of thing. I'm talented at being a third wheel - probably because my friends and new acquaintances mainly now have SO's whereas I am almost always 100% single. So, I can completely understand your dad's reaction. Parents aren't really the ones to go along in this kind of thing. You should bring someone closer to both of your age groups. They probably did mean a girlfriend or something, but I'm sure that a brother or sister would have sufficed. Bringing parents would be kind of weird. As for awkwardness of the actual thing, last year I went out with a coworker and his wife. They're both introverted and kind of joined at the hip. We had a good time. It wasn't really awkward. I probably would have made it that way if I felt awkward about it, but I have plenty of old friends from high school or college or whatnot who I go visit and see as a couple. Sometimes I even meet an old friend and their spouse or girlfriend* and we have dinner and whatnot. No big deal. Just try to be a bit conscious about not letting the conversation neglect one of them too much. Even if it does, no big deal, they're a couple, they're used to that happening. Bottom line, don't worry about it. EDIT: I mean their spouse or girlfriend who I don't already know. Last edited by Gobbbler; 06-07-2010 at 09:10 PM. Reason: spelling error noticed*
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06-07-2010, 10:31 PM	#3
Dasein Member [41%] MBTI: iNTP Join Date: Apr 2010 Posts: 1,652	LOL yes, she definitely meant a wife or girlfriend. She probably is an ESTJ, and likes organising people and picking friends for her hubby to play with. Be complimented. She approves of you.
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06-07-2010, 10:49 PM	#4
Krazy P Member [17%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 703	Unless the culture of your company strongly supports socialization after work, this is trouble. "Don't shit where you eat" is the crude way of putting this issue. And yes. she meant girlfriend. If your company does support this socialization, then bring a fellow co-worker to the event. Make it a work event. Don't kid yourself that this is a "social" event. It is work and should be treated as such.
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06-08-2010, 02:50 AM	#6
zibber Core Member [407%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 16,291	If I invited a coworker for dinner and they showed up with their parents, I would be very confused.
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06-08-2010, 08:40 AM	#7
shytiger Member [22%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 895	Strange to use the word "family". Is that really a euphamism for girlfriend? Why should she specify what kind of person you invite? I would go alone probably.
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06-08-2010, 09:27 AM	#8
plotthickens Core Member [662%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 26,483	"Your family" in this society usually means "your nuclear family", indicating mate and offspring. It does not usually mean extended family (mate, offspring, parents, uncles/aunts, etc). If they have kids, they were asking you and your mate and child to dinner. If they do not, they were asking you and your mate -- it is easier to use the word 'family' than it is to use the words 'husband or wife, depending on whichever you've got or even date if you're not married, sorry to assume one way or another'.
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06-08-2010, 06:08 PM	#10
Apocynum Member [41%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 1,641	I wasn't going to chime in till I read this last bit. In this case, I wouldn't worry over much about the invite or whom you bring with you. Your profile says you're an ME. I'm an EE and had the same sort of work situation when I was newly out of school, for a while really. My co-workers took a more fatherly approach, yes, due to age difference. The wife is probably just trying to make sure that your life isn't all work, like it typically is for most engineers and probably for her husband (your co-worker), when he was younger, if not still. Of course, your parents would be the most nervous of the lot you could invite. They could spawn an awful lot of office gossip and speculation with just a few misplaced words or stories. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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06-08-2010, 06:23 PM	#11
INTJoe Veteran Member [75%] MBTI: INTj Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 3,009	Show up with your grandmother's urn.
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06-08-2010, 06:28 PM	#12
Silence Member [35%] MBTI: INTJ Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 1,404	It sounds like you're worrying about something that really isn't worth worryng over. Just ask your coworker what his wife meant by 'family'. She may have been grasping for an appropriate term, and didn't know if you had a steady girlfriend/boyfriend, or what. 'Family' is a nice safe way of couching such things when you don't know another's orientation. Just double-check with your co-worker, and don't let too much time go by on the invitation. If you don't want to go, just say that you're awfully busy with obligations after work- if your friend asks, it will likely be to answer his wife when she asks him "why?", so if you say they're obligations with your family, it will suffice. Little fibs like that are okay; don't go all elaborate with it. If you do want to go, just mention that it sounds like fun, and ask them to give you a few days' heads-up so you can bring something. This is NOT a work-invitation, or the wife would not have invited you; your co-worker would have. The custom is to bring something nice to drink- either a bottle of wine, or of sparkling cider, exotic coffee or tea, and some cut flowers (the flowers from the local grocery store are fine- just no red, pink or white roses.) No hard liquor. It doesn't matter if either of them say not to bring anything; bring the previously-listed things anyhow. Be sure the price tags are off of both beverage and flowers before you arrive at their house. And relax, and have fun- this is how outside-of-work friendships get started. This is a good thing. Last edited by Silence; 06-08-2010 at 06:30 PM. Reason: yet more typos
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06-10-2010, 01:30 AM	#15
Tough Love Veteran Member [95%] MBTI: eNTj Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 3,828	Bring whoever you want and you will be confortable with. Better to have a nice chatty dinner with them and your parents rather than a stiff one with some random you felt obliged to bring. Where im from family doesnt mean partner To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
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