[AnimalEssence]

How much attention have you been giving him lately?

Its really hard to tell looking at it from the outside. If he already has insecurity issues to begin with and is emotionally unstable, it might not matter how much attention you give to him, he won't see it as enough. On the other hand, if he is feeling neglected by you, that could be CAUSING him to be excessively clingy and insecure/unsure.

Daniel is emotionally stable and fine. But if he starts getting a bit clingy and demanding, then I know he needs some individual attention and if I can, I'll stop what I'm doing and give that to him. Usually its just one of those "I need a hug" kind of moments where he wants/needs the extra affection for no particular reason. Happens to me too sometimes. If I ignore that, then he'll start feeling neglected, and you can imagine how easily insecurity could escalate from there with an INFJ.

Another small thing that might help is to beat him to it. Send him a text telling him that you miss him and what you are doing/will soon be doing BEFORE he starts sending you a million of them. I think Daniel just likes knowing what I'm doing and where I'm at because it helps him to make sense of why I'm not responding/replying immediately. Avoid open ended texts when your busy because if its open ended, then it kind of leaves room for/invites conversation and he'll wonder why its taking so long to respond.

[PortInStorm]

	Originally Posted by AnimalEssence To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
	You guys make it seem like I'm spoiling him with affection XD Maybe I do, idk. I've never felt overwhelmed or exhausted from it. I guess being an extrovert I have a much higher threshold.

I don't think you're 'spoiling him', just giving him what he needs. I've found the ENTPs to have no problem communicating emotion or keeping up with the INFJ emotional needs.

[themuzicman]

When you're really busy, you can often fill the gaps with a quick phone call, something like, "Hi... Just calling to see how you're doing... I don't have a lot of time.. this project is killing me, but I wanted to call and say I love you and I want to see you next <pick a night that you're available." 30 seconds investment goes a long ways. Do that 1-2 times per day (don't say the same thing every time, but tell him that you're still thinking about him, and wish you could get away, but deadlines are killing you at the moment... stuff like that.)

[ENFP]

Maybe you could stop thinking about it in terms of a 'need' or an 'insecurity' or a lack of information about your feelings, that can be fixed if you tell him once and for all that you like him lots.

Imagine you gain trust in somebody and begin to disclose to them your ideas and deep thoughts from the inner chambers of introverted intuition.
What if he thought of this as you being clingy and needing affirmation that he respects your intelligence? What if he vented to his friends that, wow, this woman, she's really great, but she has these ideas all the time and need me to listen to them and respond. I don't know why?! I told her last months that I like her intellect and even listened to an idea of her. I mean, does she have to have ideas every f*cking WEEK or what? How can I make her understand that if I have once appreciated an idea of hers, then it's fine. No news = good news. Why can't she just believe me?

I mean to say: sharing his being, his sensitivity, his kindness and feelings with you is a gift. Every moment he does it is a new, shiny gift made by him for you. And you keep turning them down or disregard his gestures of being loving with you as an abnormal *need* he has for you to give and give. While really, he's giving you a new tender part of himself every so often because he trusts you. And it hurts you don't see / like his offerings and this makes him doubt if what he gives isn't good enough for you and possibly make him try to give you even more of himself and his displays of affection and vulnerability.

Try for a moment to think about this way and see what happens in your perception of the situation.

[Crimson Crisp]

You're all offering valuable insights. I really appreciate this. I am a complete idiot when it comes to picking up on social cues or emotions, and there's no exception when it comes to him. I have to figure out some way of understanding him better in general. He's not direct in communicating his wants and needs, and I'm not getting any better at guessing them. I need to be more attentive.

Honestly, I haven't given him as much attention recently because of my crazy school schedule (prepping for mid-terms). And that's probably feeding into his clingy-ness. I assumed it was good enough that I'd told him ahead of time I was going to be busy/consumed with school, but I see now we interpret me being busy quite differently as far as expectations of its impact on us. I'm realizing that while he's important to me, he really hasn't been as much of a priority as he needs to be. I've been wrapped up in other things and it's been hard for him. I've never dealt with this kind of reaction from someone before so it's taken a lot of thought (and this thread) to help me sort through it.

ENFP - I really appreciate your flipping the situation for me. I laughed through it but it did help me understand his perspective a little better. Thanks.

Okay, back to studying for a while.

[plotthickens]

What about giving him a visual reminder? Flowers last for a week and some smell nice too, making both a visual and olfactory reminder that you were thinking of him multiple times a day for many days.

[Crimson Crisp]

Today was much, MUCH better. I tried to preemptively text him through out the day, which can be difficult due to the rate he texts. It worked. He's very happy with me today. I just said a few thoughtful things and he's been so relaxed and happy all day. Very little added effort on my part is paying off. Now to keep the momentum going...
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[Lesondemavie]

That's great. The other day, I had to leave my apartment early so I didn't get to enjoy the company of my INFJ boyfriend in the morning. I try now to cue in to times like that, so I can let him know. I called him on my lunch and let him know that I missed him in the morning, and he sounded truly surprised and happy to hear from me. The big change wasn't thinking about him or missing him at times, but rather recognizing it and sending him that quick note or message when I did. If he's worth it - the more you do it, the easier it gets.

[kaith]

INFP here. My close friend is INFJ and he sorta fit in the description. So you know it INFJ reacts the same in a friendship. In a way, he does make people confused because he needs attention and space at the same time.

My suggestion is, for communication, do something that will allow INFJ space/time to reply - Text or leave a note sorta thing. A visual reminder helps too.

[catzmeow]

Written communications: E-mails, cards, letters are great because you can recycle them. My guy gave me a great card for Valentine's day this year, and I have probably looked at it 50 times in the past month. I'm not even exaggerating here. It was that perfect.

So, do that, on a regular basis.

[fiver]

INFJ married to INTJ here - I'm nodding along with everything Mo says. One of the big things that I've had to learn is that INTJ's like to say something once and then that's pretty much the way it is until they notify you otherwise. The problem there is that it leaves NF's wondering. As I pointed out to my husband, it's called re-assurance for a reason.
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That said, that many text messages would drive anyone nuts. I think the above poster had a good idea about giving him a card or something tangible that should cover you for awhile. Maybe ya'll need to have a serious discussion about expectations for communication and what it means when you are out of touch for awhile.

[6dbl5321]

I'm more of a 'no-news=good news' person, but I still need non-sexual physical contact. Hold his hand while you talk for a little, cuddle up into his nook on the couch every now and then, or just give him a kiss on the cheek here and there for no reason. You'll be surprised to see the nagging need to affirmation, at least, reach tolerable levels.

Three very important words an INFJ needs to hear when we're confiding at many times is "Tell me more" when you feel like you have nothing to say in response. In those moments, we're being very vulnerable and feel very loved when it's appreciated and encouraged instead of feeling like we're being rushed or ignored or humored.

[McD]

Male INTJ here whose past three relationships were with INFJ females, the last relationship lasting almost two years. She was incredibly attractive (a 'ten') and incredibly intelligent but...

Your struggles sound exactly like the ones I had - and are a huge reason why I ended the last relationship. I don't know your INFJ BF, but he sounds fairly immature. No doubt there are mature INFJ's out there (especially on these boards) that make great partners. However, the insecurity, constant need of attention, never being clear on what he wants until he's about to go over the edge, projecting his past relationships onto yours, texting you a hundred times a day, etc are all cues that he's severely lacking in maturity.

If you are willing to wait and see if he changes, then my hats off to you. I did the same thing, and unfortunately the change never happened.

Mind you - I tried *hard, very hard to change aspects of how I relate, to the point of exhaustion, yet that just seemed to increase the tension in the relationship, which is why I had to end it. He may be fine today, and you two will have a great conversation, but just wait. Sometime soon, probably within the next few days, you will find out after the fact that you hurt him yet again (he sounds ridiculously fragile), without realizing it until it's too late. If you can put up with this, then I wish you well. However everyone has a breaking point, it took me two years of *constantly dealing with this before I reached mine... But I attribute that to my poor judgment.

---------- Post added 03-10-2010 at 11:36 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Today was much, MUCH better. I tried to preemptively text him through out the day, which can be difficult due to the rate he texts. It worked. He's very happy with me today. I just said a few thoughtful things and he's been so relaxed and happy all day. Very little added effort on my part is paying off. Now to keep the momentum going... To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news... but good luck keeping the momentum going. It probably won't. At least not if my past experience with three INFJ's says anything (all who seemed to have the same level of maturity of your INFJ, from what I have gathered)...

But in all honesty, I hope he proves me wrong and that it works out - you seem to really like him.

[evenstar]

I'm an INFJ and I've been going out with an INTJ for about two years now.
I think the most important thing is that we are both open about how we deal with our feelings.

I found it quite funny that he said you had an inability to "be normal and share", that sounds exactly like something I would have said last year to my boyfriend. And I did, I used to say things like that to him all the time, specially before we started going out. He takes criticism very well though and he has improved ever so much. It's like he has a list of rules for each social situation and I take great pleasure in "dissecting" social situations for him and helping him figure these rules out. Maybe you could ask your bf for help in your relationship with him, maybe even for guidance in social situations outside the relationship if you think you need it. This would be extremely flattering for him, but it would also make him respect you all the more for being able to ask for help in something so deep and radicated in you. Something I, as an INFJ, find very hard to do.

I operate largely on the "do as you would be done by" basis. I don't know if this applies to all INFJs, but if this is the case, try and analyse how he behaves towards you. Does he call you silly names? What kind of presents does he get you on special occasions? etc. Maybe trying to mirror his behaviour a little could help.

Finally, I find that my boyfriend is invaluable in getting me out of my strops and overly emotional moments. He lets me boil down and then he slowly and logically goes through everything that happened and all my huge insurmountable problems suddenly become pretty insignificant (although I don't always admit this to him, evil me... haha. -And oh, if you read this darling, hope you enjoy your little win-).

I guess my boyfriend and I both help each other a lot and we fill in each others gaps (like in a manual), just I help him almost in a teacher-like way (which brings me a lot of joy) and he helps me in a more subtle way, without the need to make it so obvious

Does any of this make sense?

[Jeremy]

Of the two INTJs I dated, one was extremely needy. If I didn't make some grand theatrical gesture of love every week, there were issues.

I'm afraid I can't give any advice other than I decided it wasn't worth my time and left - and you shouldn't be afraid to exercise the same option if need be.

[L30]

CrimsonCrisp, the patterns you describe in your posts are quite similar to my experience with my ESFJ girl.
The main difference is that the ESFJ reacts by drawing an autocannon. Or the verbal equivalent of that. Lots of anger.
But her motives, and my provoking behaviour, seem to be just the same as you with your guy.
Anyway, I'm worn out too, by the constant guilt trips and unnecessary drama.
She really helped me round a little of my -admittedly- hard edges, but on the long run, the constant struggle, the frequent arguments, damaged my feelings for her.
So, beware.
You should be better off than me anyway simply because the INFJ shouldn't throw temper tantrums like hell.. (which I think is the most tiring for any introvert thinker).

[Riela]

Crimson Crisp,

I dated an INFJ for 3 years, and even as a fellow NF of his, he just about drove me insane. He constantly needed my attention, affection and affirmation. This is not to say he wasn't wonderful (he most certainly was), but he had no grasp on the concept of space. I constantly felt smothered. But two of my closest friends are also INFJs, and they are hardly so overwhelming.

The thing, generally, about NF's that you must keep in mind is that our lives tend to revolve around our loved ones, particularly those with whom we are romantically involved. This doesn't [necessarily] mean that we have no life apart from you (though this may be the case for some), but that you are always in our thoughts, plans are always being made in our minds to include you in some way, or you or some situation involving you is being idealized. Something of the sort. This can translate to extreme clingyness in some and simply unfailing affection in others.

Now to take a jab at things...
With your life so obviously not in any way revolving around him while you are part of what makes up the center of his, he feels neglected and out of sorts. Since he is so devout in his attentions, he probably does expect you, in some manner, do reciprocate equally (or almost equally). He does not yet have a grasp on the differences between the way you two function.

I see from all that you've said that you've been trying to help him understand how you work. You may have to have more of these until he finally figures out that you are not bullshitting him - no, you're not being cold or distant, you're just busy, really. And just because he is not first and foremost does not make him unimportant to you or that you care for him any less.

On the other hand, a simple text from you once every now and then (like, once ever two days) as has been suggested with a simple "I'm ridiculously busy at the moment but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you" could work wonders for him. Throw in a "<3" and you'd probably make his whole week. Little things to make him feel appreciated and thought about will ultimately let him feel loved without you having to put forth tremendous amounts of effort that will ultimately leave you exhausted and emotionally drained.

If you are just at the beginning, just do your best to be patient and loving. INFJs tend to be marvelous people (by my experience), but it is for you to decide whether he is worth your efforts - but definitely give it some time if you can. Hopefully he will learn in that time.

[Feral]

I wouldn't consider this a INFJ issue, I think it's a Man issue.... though now that I think about it, it's definitely a woman issue....

This is a people/relationship issue. Seen plenty of it, doesn't matter of personality type, race, religion, creed, taste in whatever- I've never met any guy who is ok spending that much time wondering if you're more interested in him or your dog, and is still actually interested himself.

Try calling sometimes, even if you just have a few minutes during the day to say Hi. Or an email or post-it or text message or something else just to show that you're thinking about him, even when you're busy.

[Carol]

Great advice from everybody re. texting, tangible gifts. Quite delightful are also little love notes you accidentally find laying around the house. Bringing home little edible treats.

Also if you're not having enough sex because you are super busy, he's maybe freaking about that. And if you're very busy, maybe it's hard to find both time and energy for sex.

When I've had low sexual energy my boyfriend gets insecure. Then even if all my energy level can muster is a sexy text or some making out - it is still better for us than zero activity.

[Billy]

Originally Posted by Crimson Crisp To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I completely agree with the give and take concept you mentioned. I've had other fairly successful relationships - they ended because they each ran their course in their own way. I guess I've just never encountered someone requiring so much emotional feedback. I will try to put forth more effort to reaffirm our relationship for him, it just doesn't come naturally to me. I'm kind of a "no news = good news" person. He doesn't seem to be insecure...he's phenomenally intelligent, has many of his own interests, friends, attractive, etc. So how often should I be reaffirming the relationship for the time being? Schedules work better for me, so maybe every couple of days make a point to bring it up??? And when I say schedules, I don't literally mean, every 3rd day at 2:58 p.m. I should mention how great he is and how happy I am. I just need a general idea of how often he might be happy to hear it out of me. Geez, all this sounds like things I should be asking him, but he acts like he wants me to just know this stuff so he gives vague answers or says something like, "Don't worry about it/me. You have enough going on." And then when I don't worry about it, it's a problem. Ah!! LOL I really don't mean to complain about him either - he's a great guy. Seriously.

sex him, sex him a lot... he will be fine.