So I have this INtJ (")friend(")...

[Headstrong]

We met through a college youth group over the summer. He also had a mutual interest with one of my female friends. He's in the process of getting over her because she decided he wasn't right for her.

But anyway, we decided to hang out for the first time over the summer at a professional baseball game. It was really cool because all of the things I want to know about a person I ask straight out. He had the same "agenda," so it worked really well. You know the rule about not asking about past relationships on first dates? This wasn't a date, but it was something I wanted to know and we both had no reservations talking about our past. Yeah, we so went there, and everywhere else for that matter. Haha. I was in INTJ heaven. He is the first guy who honestly gets me, my thought process, and accepts it.

I love that we have intellectual conversations all the time and that he can speak enough for the both of us (which is good because I really don't have a lot to say by myself, but also not because I came home from that baseball game with a massive headache).

There are 5 things I look for in guys. He has all 5, hands down. Problem is, I think as a defense mechanism, I purposely find some sort of "flaw" that will keep me emotionally detached. I'm just plain scared scared to be in a relationship. I know that if I had no reservations about dating him, we would work. But the fact that I keep making up excuses in my head means I shouldn't be with him.(?)

He is also currently trying to find a girl who fits his needs. He really didn't even consider dating girls until maybe a year ago because he purposely pushed the concept out of his mind. Needless to say, we both have a lot in common with the whole dating realm.

I know the fact that I am making excuses not to let myself fall for him and that I want to see what else is out there are valid reason why I should not date him. But also, it is going to be really difficult to find someone else who has the 5 things I want as well as the ease my INtJ friend and I have conversing/getting to know each other. Y'all know what I'm talking about.

So...help? I don't know on what specifically, but maybe you can help me figure out what the heck I want/need? Is this defense mechanism just normal for me and I should let it go? Or will it magically disapear when I meet "the guy"/the one I know I should be with, which suggests we're better of platonic? Bahhh. So fickle.

[wotrabbit]

What are these 5 things, if you don't mind me asking? Does one happen to be physical attraction (not as in "oh he's a handsome/cute chap" but getting a lusty contact-high when around particular fellow)? If not, are you physically attracted? If so, was it right off the bat when you first met, or did it creep its way in after getting hitting it off mentally? I don't know specifically why I'm asking these, just trying to get a better picture overall of the situation.

As for the defense mech...I kind of do that. When I really like someone, I try to subconsciously convince myself that being good friends is more important and meaningful and that risking that for a relationship isn't worth it. As for how to get over that..usually it takes a "threat" of another girl being interested for me to shape up and realize what I really want or not. If I can stand the thought of him being with another girl, I realize maybe it's not what I really want, but if I can't, then I try letting the defense mechanism go.

Have you gotten any clues on his end of how he feels about you? I mean, it's worth finding out at least something before agonizing over it. What if he doesn't consider you in that way at all? Not saying he isn't, but it's a possibility. He could just as well be obsessing over you too....

[INTJoe]

Why are you so guarded about dating?

EDIT: I should say, about 'falling' for a guy.

[Headstrong]

What are these 5 things, if you don't mind me asking?
A strong relationship with Christ; A strong physical attraction (looks wise); Intellect; Takes the time to get to know me; Accepts me for who I am.

Does one happen to be physical attraction (not as in "oh he's a handsome/cute chap" but getting a lusty contact-high when around particular fellow)?

No, I'm a prude in the highest respects.

If not, are you physically attracted?

To him, yes.

If so, was it right off the bat when you first met, or did it creep its way in after getting hitting it off mentally? I don't know specifically why I'm asking these, just trying to get a better picture overall of the situation.
Yeah, I mean, I was jealous when he liked the other girl. I was bummed they didn't work out because I knew he would have been good for her, but I was glad because he was still single and I could work my way in there.

As for the defense mech...I kind of do that. When I really like someone, I try to subconsciously convince myself that being good friends is more important and meaningful and that risking that for a relationship isn't worth it. As for how to get over that..usually it takes a "threat" of another girl being interested for me to shape up and realize what I really want or not. If I can stand the thought of him being with another girl, I realize maybe it's not what I really want, but if I can't, then I try letting the defense mechanism go.
I guess this is where my above comment comes into play.

Have you gotten any clues on his end of how he feels about you? I mean, it's worth finding out at least something before agonizing over it. We talk about relationships and what we like in other people almost everytime we get together. I pretty much fit the bill on his end.
Last night he went to an event at my home church with me. Towards the end he was praying for me and then encouraging me by rubbing my upper back. His hand was shaking, so that pretty much gave it away.

What if he doesn't consider you in that way at all? Not saying he isn't, but it's a possibility. He could just as well be obsessing over you too....
Either way, I'd be cool with it.

Why are you so guarded about dating?

EDIT: I should say, about 'falling' for a guy.

I guess because I am always questioning my feelings and when I am finally sure, the guy never sticks around long enough to get to know the real me. He doesn't get what he wants on his timeline and he's gone.

[INTJoe]

I guess because I am always questioning my feelings and when I am finally sure, the guy never sticks around long enough to get to know the real me.

I don't really understand what you're saying here.

When you are finally sure, the guy never sticks around long enough to know the real you?

I know us NTs like to question our feelings and make sure they "make sense", but I think it's very difficult to do this in intimate relationships. Sometimes you just have to go with your feelings and dive right in and see where the relationship takes you. It also sounds like you may be trying to find your soulmate with the first dude you fall for. I wouldn't expect that to happen. That would be very very rare and may only occur if one of you settles.

Don't be afraid to dive into a relationship and see where it takes you. You aren't going to meet a perfect guy but you just may meet one who fits your needs very very precisely.

[sebsmith]

From what I've picked up on this forum so far, the advice for all relationships is basically going to be: Your an INTJ, you need the experience, you should go for it.

Good luck with whatever you do decide to do.

[Marcus]

From what I've picked up on this forum so far, the advice for all relationships is basically going to be: Your an INTJ, you need the experience, you should go for it.
I can just echo this.

I know the fact that I am making excuses not to let myself fall for him and that I want to see what else is out there are valid reason why I should not date him.
I'm like you in this regard, but... perfection only exists in our minds. You have found someone matching your criteria, you have no reason to wait for someone else.

[Headstrong]

I don't really understand what you're saying here.

When you are finally sure, the guy never sticks around long enough to know the real you?
Basically. My relationships have ended in two ways: I dump him because I don't (think I) want to be in the relationship anymore or he dumps me because I'm too guarded and won't budge sexually. Not that this guy would ever do the latter. We're already good friends. I just don't want to do the first to him.

I know us NTs like to question our feelings and make sure they "make sense", but I think it's very difficult to do this in intimate relationships. Sometimes you just have to go with your feelings and dive right in and see where the relationship takes you. It also sounds like you may be trying to find your soulmate with the first dude you fall for. I wouldn't expect that to happen. That would be very very rare and may only occur if one of you settles.
I don't want to get married, so no, I'm not really looking for a "soulmate." It just scares me how he's so close to what I'm looking for, and if I wait too long, I may miss out. I think the chances are pretty slim that I'll find another person like him, but who knows. Guess I just gave myself the answer, eh? Hah.

Don't be afraid to dive into a relationship and see where it takes you. You aren't going to meet a perfect guy but you just may meet one who fits your needs very very precisely.


From what I've picked up on this forum so far, the advice for all relationships is basically going to be: Your an INTJ, you need the experience, you should go for it.

Good luck with whatever you do decide to do.
Thank you.


I can just echo this.


I'm like you in this regard, but... perfection only exists in our minds. You have found someone matching your criteria, you have no reason to wait for someone else.
Unfortunately. :-D I know, I know. I'm just apprehensive. I haven't dated in two years now and I'm enjoying the lack of relationship drama and obligation to someone else. I suppose I'm so accustomed to relationships being a hassle that I've forgotten they're meant to enhance one's life.

[ame]

Ahh the waiting game. Don't do it too long.
An INTJ can think themselves into the ground and get nowhere. Take a chance.

[Synamon]

I don't want to get married, so no, I'm not really looking for a "soulmate." It just scares me how he's so close to what I'm looking for, and if I wait too long, I may miss out. I think the chances are pretty slim that I'll find another person like him, but who knows. Guess I just gave myself the answer, eh? Hah.
Quite the contradiction, you aren't looking for a soulmate and yet he is close to what you are looking for? I'm confused...

If you don't want a relationship then don't have one. If you do want a connection with another person and all the positives that can come from that, then go for it. You said yourself, you never know when someone who is such a good fit will ever come around (and from my experience the answer to that is usually never). If it doesn't work out then is a valuable learning and growing experience in itself.

Turn off your brain for a bit and just feel. Suppressing the emotional side of yourself is denying that you are human. Emotions are what make us feel happy and don't you want that for yourself?

[punkyplatypus]

Sounds like you've already fallen for this guy. He fulfills your five ideals for a mate, but something is holding you back (circumstances, how he feels about you, fear, etc). Is it so unreasonable that you two couldn't be together? It sounds like you guys already went on a date. I think if you're still unsure, there's no need to rush things. Go out on more friend "dates". If you're lucky, then he'll make the first a move on you. If anything it should show him that you have an interest in him and so there shouldn't be any surprise if you did make a move to ask him out on a real date. Plus it'll give you more time to get to know each other and for you to better evaluate the situation. Maybe you'll realize you'd rather be friends and risk wondering what could have been, or maybe you'll risk friendship for something more meaningful. You've only hung out with the guy once outside of the youth group. Give yourself some more time to understand what you really want, but perhaps you should set a goal to avoid waiting too long. Something like "after ## times hanging out, you'll make a decision on what you're going to do".