Are you an only child?

[Synamon]

One of the issues INTJs (and other introverted types) struggle with is socializing, do you think being an only child made that even harder for you? Did being on your own or being surrounded with adults hinder your ability to get along with your peers? How did you learn to share, work in a team, empathize with others?

If you aren't an only child, did interacting with your siblings help you develop social skills and make you more outgoing? Or did you retreat from your siblings and feel like an only child growing up?

[l345l]

I am an only child, and i believe that it is influenced me to be an independent and self-reliant individual. Had i been in a family with siblings, i would inevitably have turned out differently. oh, to be able to live twice ...

Having siblings would have probably made me more self-assertive and would have dissolved my shyness a little earlier.

Some studies suggest that there is a correlation between introversion and being an only child. Certainly, the majority of introverts I know have no siblings.

[True Rune]

I'm not an only child, even in the womb. (twin) (4 siblings) It helped me tolerate people a bit more I suppose, couldn't be alone all the time. But some days were really fun.

[Gamgee]

I am an only child, my father was gone working most of his life and to this day seeing him is infrequent. My mother was diagnosed with several life crippling diseases when I was 6... I remember when she was at out front door struggling to get into the house when she started losing control of her body. It was a rainy and damp day at the beginning of fall. My grandparents were always there for me... but it wasn't the same as having dedicated parents. My grandmother was a gambling addict and at the time suffering from many addictions. While she has improved somewhat she is incredibly irresponsible (ISFJ if it matters) and my grandfather was simply too old and sick to really take care of us long (although he is a bit of a role model for me in the sense of responsibility).

I remember so clearly how fast I switched from being an ordinary kid to well... becoming an adult. Friends? I have a few but none of them will ever really understand my position and why I am so serious. Then again talking to adults is much easier as I have been around adults most of my life. I am also somewhat of an oddity in my family being the only one to show any true skill at learning. What I mean by that is that so far school wise I have been the most successful. There are others who can be classified as smarter in the sense they have more knowledge but for pure decisions I have so far shown the best judgment out of most of my family. Learn to share? I got so much stuff I got sick of getting things! That would be the grandparents spoiling me so much I got sick of gifts. Empathy? It takes a lot to get sympathy from me, and overall I have become an incredibly independent person.

So yes being an only child had a great effect, but I think I came into being an INTJ more through environmental pressures. I was forced to be an adult at age six.. and so I was. Now that I am out on my own a bit more and lots of that has passed by I have started to once again become a tad more social... just enough for me to get that tiny little need filled.

[vanidence]

Altho I am NOT an only Child, I still was "raised" like one. Why? Because I was
1. the oldest and
2. the only "Girl" (I seriously don't see me as one, Sometimes. Just because I dun do "Girl-typical" Things at all)

I was by myself a lot, mostly drawing, working with Computers, handcrafting, watching TV or whatever. Also I was always different that the "Rest of the Family". Except for my Dad. But I couldn't really "enjoy him" much. My Parents got divorced in a REALLY bad and tragic Way. Also my Childhood was hard. So I guess what made me become SOMEWHAT Team-able was my Curiousity for Things and People (I always want to learn as much as possible), then of Course my Dad which was somewhat of a Role-Model (much much later...in my Teen Years. Started about 7 Years ago).
If it was for Everything that ever happened to me, I would have to be VERY introverted actually. I mean to a Point where I would have to live all alone on an Island with no Contact to People at all ô.o

So yeah, so far for my uh..."Story" with this. ^^°

[Fanowene]

I'm not an only child. Having siblings was nice because those are "easy relationships" since they can't really be broken. There was no need for me to go out and socialize. If I needed somebody, they were close by. And since both my sisters are younger, they normally had more free time than I did and were available whenever I wanted to play, etc.

I don't know how it would have turned out had I been an only child. There's not a big age difference between me and my sisters, so I wouldn't have had a time of truly feeling like an only child. Maybe if I had been an only child I would have tried to make more friends outside of my family? Or I might have done the opposite. Who knows...

[Autoptic]

I was the only child of Mother though Father's seventh which matter little as he was gone at four. Probably would've been gone before, I think Mother really wanted a kid. Once the kid could talk intelligently, well... In this fundamentalist baptist bubble, I was the odd bastard out. Funny, that turned out to be the least odd thing about me. I had cousins who occasionally thought we were close despite not really seeing each other that much. Family relations can most certainly be broken. Mine already are. I'm just stuck dealing with them, and living with Mother in summer, till I get out of university; then, I'm alone in the world.

[JustMel]

I'm the only child of my biological parents. I have 2 stepsisters from my birth mom's remarriage to my stepdad (number 3 or 4) who she's been married to for 22 years. My oldest ss I have never laid eyes on, nor do I want to. I was in the youngest's wedding.

My maternal grandparents adopted me when I was 8 thereby making me the youngest of their surviving children (they lost one when I was 3) if you include my birth mom---weird huh?--- you have two older sisters who are 44 and 54 respectively and an older brother who is 51.

[PeterIMC]

I'm not an only child, but did have the luxury of always having had my own bedroom. Never had to share. So I could always be alone when I wanted to.

Some studies suggest that there is a correlation between introversion and being an only child. Certainly, the majority of introverts I know have no siblings.

In my honest opinion, personality is prewired into the brain. I read that a research showed that the part of the brain that's connected to the eyes, has the same wiring as an adult has, suggesting that most of the brain is prewired. Thus that suggests that your up bring has little influence on your personality.

That also makes sense, you don't just change from a pure introvert into a pure extrovert just because you all the sudden were placed in another family for example.

An INTJ learns over time to use certain behaviour so that people accept (read: leave alone) him/her easier. When you have brothers and sisters to deal with, that learning process starts at a younger age I guess.

Also, in the personality types, the introversion is related to how you determine your values, based on your own thoughts, or based on others. Maybe there is a relation between the 2, though I know some extrovert types that appear very quiet and shy.

[Vagrant]

I'm not an an only sibling -- I'm the younger brother, and have an older brother. I would've had an older sister too had it not been for a virus contracted some time during my mother's labor.

My brother and I didn't get along too well when were little -- he was too competitive, and often when I just wanted to have fun or be silly, it turned into a competition, which was discouraging to me, because I wasn't out to prove myself. However, as he grew older and matured, he started to realize the excessive competition hurt me (even though he still has it in him). He was also prone to bursts of emotions at times (much like my father), and threw temper tantrums often when he was little. I, on the other hand, held grudges, and when I "blew up" I simply refused to interact with the person who drew my ire for a long period of time. My parents had to raise two very different children. :P

Towards high school and college, his competition really started to become self-evident. He got 1600 on the SAT, and got a full ride to Vanderbilt. He even got accepted to Yale, but we couldn't afford it. I, on the other hand, was less inclined to pursue such a high degree of academic pursuit, simply because academia had a way of ruining things that didn't deserve to be ruined, and academia concerns me less than real issues.

We get along fairly well nowadays, and have a lot of inside jokes, but occasionally his over-competitive tendency or emotional outbursts will come out now and then, and I just have to walk out to let him cool down.

[searcheagle]

It's probably too late since so many people have responded to the poll, but I would have like to see the question tweaked a little bit. I feel it might clarify your results a little more.

I would have defined changed only child to "functionally only child," meaning no other children were in the house the vast majority of your life. That way, if you had a significantly older or younger sibling who was not in the house at the same time as you, you would still be counted an "only child" despite have technically having a sibling.

The same thing goes with half-siblings. They would also be counted as only child even if they would traditionally be considered only child because they were the only child of the same set of parents.

Additionally, there some sources that say that Child Order is important, especially when it comes to the first born child, who tends to have a unique profile.

Middle Children and youngest child also have their own unique profiles.

There is a lot of doubt in the psychology community about the the birth order theory.

But for what it's worth, I am the oldest of 3 children. I quickly adopted my own introverted philosophy after rejection from the outside world.

My interaction with my siblings and family I consider typical. Most of them were introverted to some degree or another, so I would see my family as a source of strength to take on the outside world.

Inside our house, most of our activities were on our own, especially my sister. She would disappear into her room for hours.

[Allie]

I am somewhere in the middle :) I said that because we have an even number of siblings.

[SeaCzar]

How did you learn to share, work in a team, empathize with others?

Share?!? Oh, you must mean Cher, that chick on TV. j/k

I am an only child. As mentioned by other posters, I am very independent and self-reliant. To be honest, I never did share well, and to this day, I still don't. I never had to (I was very spoiled, too). Team environments can be frustrating, depending on the intellectual depth of other team members. Empathise with others? Not so much. I think of empathy as a "huggie-feely" thing, and that is just not my gig. I am not sure how much of an only child thing that is though.

As a kid, I usually played by myself or hung with the adults. I have always been aloof/distant. The few friends I do have I have had for a long, long time, and they even comment that I am tough to get to know. I don't care for small talk and silliness, so I don't easily engage others. I like this forum for exactly that: intelligent discourse.

[Synamon]

It's probably too late since so many people have responded to the poll, but I would have like to see the question tweaked a little bit. I feel it might clarify your results a little more.

I would have defined changed only child to "functionally only child," meaning no other children were in the house the vast majority of your life. That way, if you had a significantly older or younger sibling who was not in the house at the same time as you, you would still be counted an "only child" despite have technically having a sibling.

The same thing goes with half-siblings. They would also be counted as only child even if they would traditionally be considered only child because they were the only child of the same set of parents.

Additionally, there some sources that say that Child Order is important, especially when it comes to the first born child, who tends to have a unique profile.

Middle Children and youngest child also have their own unique profiles.

There is a lot of doubt in the psychology community about the the birth order theory.

But for what it's worth, I am the oldest of 3 children. I quickly adopted my own introverted philosophy after rejection from the outside world.

My interaction with my siblings and family I consider typical. Most of them were introverted to some degree or another, so I would see my family as a source of strength to take on the outside world.

Inside our house, most of our activities were on our own, especially my sister. She would disappear into her room for hours.

I could tweak the poll but I was really after the answers to the questions about the dynamics of how only children learned to socialize since INTJs seem to have a lot of trouble with this particular issue. Without siblings to interact with I was curious how much more difficult only children found socializing with peers. I just added the basic poll since it was an obvious fit.

I had a brother and sister growing up to annoy me and drag me out of my shell. I wondered if it was like that for others with siblings or if they retreated and ended up with the same experience as only children.

There are actually some other threads I found on birth order and introversion (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) and only children and how that relates to introversion (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) if you are interested.

[tp6626]

I have an older and a younger brother, both by 3 years either way. Neither are anything like me.

My younger brother took MBTI and typed as ESFP. Trouble with drink, drugs, smoking, police, can't hold a job, spends all his money right away, gets in trouble with people etc...etc...

Don't know my older brothers type, but he does nothing but work. Can't say no to employers, and ends up working too much, and being taken advantage of I think. Quite quiet, and keeps himself to himself. A little foolish with women too I'd say, gets himself into unhappy situations. He's stuck with a house he wants to get rid of at the moment, in a city miles from home because of rushing into something.

He's my canary down the mine!

[Monte314]

I'm the oldest of four, two of whom I have never met.

[le Duc]

I had a brother and sister growing up to annoy me and drag me out of my shell. I wondered if it was like that for others with siblings or if they retreated and ended up with the same experience as only children.

There are actually some other threads I found on birth order and introversion (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) and only children and how that relates to introversion (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) if you are interested.

Thanks for the links to the other threads.

I'm the oldest of seven, and after the last one was born, my mother took ill and basically put me in charge. I learned a few things about raising kids, and was forced to learn certain social and leadership skills especially as the others started getting as big as me or faster than me—I was still required to maintain order, and held accountable for whether things were done or not.

I don't think it made me less introverted in the sense of needing space and solitude to reflect and ponder, but it did make me very comfortable dealing with other people in a variety of situations.

[bladeserver]

Oldest of one. Perfectly normal in every way ;).

[rara avis]

I had just been thinking about posting a birth order poll- I'd bet, for some ambiguous reason of my own, that the majority of INTJs are oldest/only children.

I'm the oldest child of two oldest children. I believe it has a lot to do with how my personality developed. (I'm known as the family pill.)

My sister, the middle, is an ENFJ, about to marry an ENTJ. My brother the youngest... he's an E something. Couldn't guess beyond that. He's lovable, but reeeally into drama, and likes to be a bigshot. Which type is that?

I have my mother pegged for an ISTJ. My father... maybe INTP.

Making my family do some online tests is my project for the holiday season.

[interstellar]

Im the youngest of two. I know two other INTJs, one is the oldest and the other is a middle child. So it would seem like oldest/only would be prevelant, but it doesn't seem too strong.

[Nikita]

I'm the oldest...but I've been told I act like an only child.

[Reon]

I am now (I could explain but I'd rather not make an effort)

[dogwoodlover]

Oldest child... I've had people assume that I'm an only child.

My two little sisters always got along well with each other, still are best friends. I never "played" with them much, I spent time designing things and building legos.

My INTJ roommate is an oldest child also.

[Onotheo]

I'm 9th of 11 children and I'm also one of the 2 introverts. The other one is the 8th male INFJ. 10th is male ENF. 2nd is female SP. Everyone else I suspect are SJs including my parents. People think I'm the youngest. It might be a good thing to be around extroverts early on, but I can't say in what way.

[Darkside]

I'm the oldest of four and despite being the most introverted by far, I'm the unquestionably dominant personality.

Also, taking the preliminary results of this poll and comparing them to what little I can find on the actual percentage of only children in the world, I think its safe to say there is little to no correlation between INTJ-ness and being an only child.

[dragonsscout]

I'm the oldest of two. My younger sister is an ENFP, almost my polar opposite.

I think that another poll with the options being 'Only Child,' 'First Child,' 'Middle Child,' and 'Youngest' would be a good idea.

[tp6626]

Oldest of one. Perfectly normal in every way ;).

Reminded me of Peter Cook's biography: "Unfortunately, I was an only twin".

Think he was schizophrenic.

[zibber]

What a relevant topic! I am an only child and have often wondered how much of a factor that was in my introversion. (Speculatively supposing the possibility of introversion as a developed characteristic, that is.) Results like those I see here only strengthen my recently established suspicion that this is absolute, total bunk.

If I had been more of an extravert, I would have been able to go outside whenever I pleased, considering the child-friendly nature of my neighbourhood and the fact that all my school "friends" (none like me that I knew of, unfortunately, neither in terms of introversion nor intelligence*) lived within a two minute (walking) radius of my front door, at most.

(*Then again, I suppose they'd have been looking just as hard as I, which is not at all.)

[tp6626]

Yes I agree. Its a yes no question, so if there was no correlation, we'd expect to see close to a 50:50 distribution for no correlation.

As of now, 72% appear not to be only children, which indicates significant correlation with INTJ's generally not being only children.

Of course, there are a few factors that haven't been considered, but for this sample the above seems right. (I.e. willingness to vote, online presencem etc...).

[smashy]

One of the issues INTJs (and other introverted types) struggle with is socializing, do you think being an only child made that even harder for you? Did being on your own or being surrounded with adults hinder your ability to get along with your peers? How did you learn to share, work in a team, empathize with others?

If you aren't an only child, did interacting with your siblings help you develop social skills and make you more outgoing? Or did you retreat from your siblings and feel like an only child growing up?

Absofuckinglutely!!

I was an only child and almost all my childhood was spend alone, playing alone, reading books or watching tv. So I have a very good imagination, but I don´t have many social skills. I guess my parents were also not aware of that when I was a child, that I needed more social interaction, so they just let me alone. Also, at primary school, I was the teacher´s daughter, which made the other kids treat me in a different way, like I was different from them. So, I never developed social skills till I moved home (with 14 years old) and went to high school when I started to interact more with people.

So, that didn´t help me being an INTJ at all. I guess it only aggravated my type. Even now very often I don´t know what to say or how to behave when I meet new people. My boyfriend says is because I spend my childhood watching tv instead of playing with other children, and he´s probably right.

[PeterIMC]

I'm 9th of 11 children and I'm also one of the 2 introverts. The other one is the 8th male INFJ. 10th is male ENF. 2nd is female SP. Everyone else I suspect are SJs including my parents. People think I'm the youngest. It might be a good thing to be around extroverts early on, but I can't say in what way.

I know one thing about extroverts that base their whole well being on who they are associated with,.... indecisiveness, indecisiveness, indecisiveness, though they don't see them selves like that. They always are in extremes. either selfish or over caring. Sometimes it's one way and sometimes it's the other way.

Probably not all extroverts are like that, but I can't imagine how exposure to extroverts is good for an introvert. Just doesn't matter that much if you ask me. Age is more of a factor I think. The longer the exposure the more experience you have. The level of exposure is less relevant.

[Fanowene]

My two little sisters always got along well with each other, still are best friends. I never "played" with them much, I spent time designing things and building legos.

I loved Legos too! Fortunately, my sisters liked it too somewhat, so they played along with it. Eventually we ended up playing by building our own fantasy houses using all kinds of toys: Legos, small Barby items, "Meine kleine Tierwelt", Playmobil, parts of board games, Jenga blocks, small pieces of fabric, ... We mostly used Legos to build our own vehicles. I always admired my little sister for her really vivid imagination. She could come up with the coolest house ever despite maybe even having the fewest items to build with.

[NephilimAzrael]

I am the youngest. I have one sibling, a sister.

[Santana28]

Only child, thank goodness. My father got a vasectomy while my mother was pregnant with me, at age 21. I heard a few years ago that my mother had previously lost an unborn child in a car accident prior to me (she was 17 when she was pregnant with me), although this is unconfirmed. Mother probably ISFP and father ENTJ, talk about a household of conflicting values!

side note : i know another ENTJ who is getting a vasectomy, at age 26 (no children and single). and i know of yet another ENTJ who has at least considered it at a young age. Is this something in common with their control freak personality??

[Little Bo Peep]

I am an only child but I am not intj. Despite being the only child I was never spoiled since my parents didn't have the means to do it. I think it lead to me being quite introverted. All this time spent by myself reading and daydreaming. I was close to my parents though and grew up being treated as an adult from an early age. My mother wasn't very healthy and we all were more protective of her. As a child I always felt very capable and looked forward to being fully responsible for myself which I did as soon as I turned 16. I also come from a long line of only children and have only one child myself.

[Airius]

My brother and I are both introverts (IxTJ).
I don't think our family upbringing had an effect on that.

[Aeroscoper]

I'm not an only child, even in the womb. (twin) (4 siblings) It helped me tolerate people a bit more I suppose, couldn't be alone all the time. But some days were really fun.

Do you happen to know the temperment of your twin? Maternal or paternal twins?

To the OP, I"m youngest with 2 older sis's.

Possibly unrelated but from my life's experiences, I've found those I"ve encountered that had the highest level of egocentrism tended to be those that are the only child.

[wendytwtee]

I'm the oldest of three and no,my sibling (the second child that is, my sister, the third one is too new to have influenced my life that much) was always ashamed of me because I was strange and never stuck to social norms.

Since our age gap isn't wide, she used to tease me mercilessly and callously and was one of the most disparaging people in my life other than grown-ups.

Needless to say, it did not help my social skills and instead I felt more and more like a freak and that mentally I was from Mars and that I could never belong. Subsequently, I retreated from her and it felt like living under tyranny until I met some good friends during my high school years who thought me how to stand up for myself.

[Harmony]

I am an only child. However, I think this actually had the reverse effect on me. I was always a very social child/teen.

Anytime we went anywhere, my mom had to keep an eye on me because I would wander off and go make a new friend or go investigate something that caught my eye. Seriously, it's amazing I was never kidnapped. Mom needed a leash for me. :p

My mom still laughs at me because no matter what kind of setting you put me in, I can buddy up to someone and joke around and laugh.

I did spend a lot of time alone, but I think (for me) that it is part of why when I did get around others I was a social butterfly. I was bored!!!

To this day, it's easy for me to make friends/acquaintances, but hard for me to really open up and share any feelings.

[JoshuaFairtex]

I'm the oldest of 3, and recently one half brother (I don't really consider him my brother though), being the oldest I had to always take leadership and look after my 2 younger siblings, especially after my mom left and my dad was always working, caused me to mature very quickly.

[amberlinen]

only child and also the oldest of all my cousins. When we were kids we would go to family meetings every Sunday and play together. But I don't think I've learned interpersonal strategies from there because the kids in my mother's side were all quiet sensitive types (we get along but this doesn't help me dealing with a world full of other types) and the ones in my father's side were manipulative brats who're emotionally unstable.


side note : i know another ENTJ who is getting a vasectomy, at age 26 (no children and single). and i know of yet another ENTJ who has at least considered it at a young age. Is this something in common with their control freak personality??

When you know that you don't want to have kids, this is really the sane way to go. I've considered tubal ligation because I don't want kids, I don't trust contraceptives, and I don't want to take pills of any kind.

[brainysmurf]

I'm not an only child and very happy about that. I consider most of my siblings very good friends.

[Callistemon]

I'm an only child and lived quite a way away from my friends. I often wonder if that's led me to more of a tendency to introversion than I'd have had otherwise. As far as I remember, until I was 7 and moved away from my friends I was always out playing on the street with them.

[LaoTzu]

Youngest of 3, sister is 2 years older, brother is 4 years older....all raised by mom since I was 4. I didn't really spend much time playing with my siblings, we each had our own friends and interests.

I'm not versed in typing enough to be sure, but off the top of my head....My brother is definitely more INTJ (heavy J) than me. My sister is a social misfit/hermit -- more of an 'INTP'. My mother's got her emotions all bottled up, but has bouts of emotional instability... (in a non-destructive way) she's either ISFJ/INFJ. Not much 'P' there at all.

[probity]

I'm 4th of 5 children. The first three are all at least 13 years older than me and never lived with me growing up. My younger sister, an ENFJ, is only 3 years my junior but I withdrew from her quite a bit growing up due to strong sibling rivalry and unresolved issues I refused to discuss with her while we were children. Dealing with her did not help me learn to relate to people. Most of my interactions with her growing up involved me threatening to decapitate her favorite teddy because she'd stolen my book in attempt to get me to play with her.

[ZzyzxRd]

I grew up with an older brother who is 6 years older and an ISTJ.

To answer your question
No, interacting with him did not really help me develop social skills. It's most likely because we're both introverts so we prefer staying at home as often as possible instead of socializing with any persons out of the family. We feel extremely comfortable around each other hence we don't need to acquire certain "social skills" in order to obtain a successful interaction or interesting conversation. I don't think either one of us helped each other expand our social network either.

Many INTJs would agree, we have very limited social energy. We (or at least I) can be or act like an extrovert at times (it really depends on the situation though... crowds would definitely not work. If I found someone who I can truly connect to, I can be pretty outspoken and at ease).

Even though I was not the only child, I usually hang around adults in most settings. I don't think it is necessary to get along with peers my age because most of them appear to be rather immature, worldly, dramatic and superficial.

[StUdio V]

[QUOTE=Synamon;228587]I could tweak the poll but I was really after the answers to the questions about the dynamics of how only children learned to socialize since INTJs seem to have a lot of trouble with this particular issue.

Without siblings to interact with I was curious how much more difficult only children found socializing with peers. .

[QUOTE]


I was an 'only child' but with special circumstances which may, or may not, have tainted the situation.

I was a 2 yr old, refugee from Germany,
the first 4 years in America i learned the language from the at-home mother,
while the father was aboard ship months at a time... i also listened to lots of News radio hours each day, and got aquainted with infrequent TV...
a language immersion model.

Kindergarten was bothersome to me, trying to 'perform' as expected,
i was always unsure of roles & the purpose of interaction, i was a loner &
loved it... the public world was a distraction from more worthwhile pursuits...
my imagination and creativity and my pantheon of schizophrenic entities.



moving after the death of the adoptive father, we moved to PA where the mother had a sister & 3 catholic boys, aged 13, 6, 4,
the 6 yo 'Mike' would be my peer & ?friend? during the next 5 years,
i deliberately failed 2nd grade in catholic school to be in the same grade as Mike, to help protect him from school-yard bullies, even though i was the leaner and less confrontational of us two.(he emulated his dad, a former Marine in WWII , aggression, confrontation, guns, etc)

in 5th grade, i was sent to a boys home in Hershey PA, and remained there until i was 17 to join the Army.

so, the first 4 years, i had psychologist visits because? of my agorophobia,
shyness, & schizophrenia... being very comfortable in my own world(s)

the next 5 years, i finally tried eating bologna & hotdogs (YECH), tried to
save baseball cards (YUK), had a lionel train set (YAY), read my books,
did my drawings & coloring, listened to my few kiddie records on a phonograph,
watched after school TV, walked in the nearby public park-until the mother
said that too many negroes were around there. & went to the Saturday morning movies to watch crud like Three Stooges, but sometimes being treated to Sci-Fi movies which i really enjoyed... my cousin Mike was then
a distant person & we tolerated each other during the monthly gatherings.


the mother, i think back, was trying every possible way to un-load me into a mental facility, but Aunt Eileen fought her sister, my adoptive mother on every attempt, and finally presented me withthe opportunity to go live on a farm at Hershey PA...


see, i told you that there was too many layers of BS for any clear indications of being extremely introverted & how being of a seemingly predestined INTJ
since early childhood, is a matter of subjective opinion.


later,

[Ryokurin]

I have a older sister, but shes 9 years older than me, so while she was there early on she really wasn't ever since I was 6 or so. she had disagreements with my mother and moved in with my aunt or grandparents for a bit of highschool, and while she later ended up staying around after going to college for a bit it still wasn't really a rivalry, we just did our own things.

[imNormal]

I'm in the middle. One older and one younger brother. Growing up, I was always the 'loner'... especially in junior high & high school. My younger brother was very social and always had, and still has, a lot of friends. My older brother and I didn't get along too well when we were in our teens. We could argue about a point we actually agreed on (always amazed my mother). Now, I live thousands of miles away from my brothers who live in the same city. They don't socialize with each other much.

We talk about once a year on the phone. We are there for each other if needed, but otherwise, pretty much keep to ourselves. Describing our relationship, it looks rather odd.. cold & distant, but its actually not that bad. We can and do depend on each other, but we give each other space. Maybe its normal for siblings to drift apart over time.

[Riveria]

I am an only child. Socializing was particularly difficult (and at most times, it still is). I think being an only child made it much more difficult for me to socialize, since it aggravated my complete inability to do so. Having siblings would probably have made the process easier since I would have to interact with them on a daily basis.

I learnt how to socialize through two main methods – observation, along with trial and error. I studied the methods others used in interacting with others, and made mental notes on how to do so. Following that, I would try to interact with my peers, and found out what worked for me, along with what did not. Observing others pretty much illustrated that certain aspects of socializing (such as sharing stationary and books; just started schooling back then) had to be done so that others will not create trouble. The other aspects came much later, when I found friends that I could talk and relate to.

However, other individuals I know of (who are the only child in their families) are highly extroverted, more so than their fellow extroverts with siblings. I have asked a few of them about it, and the general gist of their answers is that because they have no siblings (hence no one to interact with aside from their parents), they are more inclined to “go out there” and find friends, in which they often take the initiative in socializing with others. From what I have seen (and my sources are not at all sufficient, so do take this with a pinch of salt) being an only child would have a considerable bearing on how one turns out (in terms of personality) and how a person learns to socialize, as the “only child” individuals I know of are either extremely extroverted or highly introverted.

[Thinker]

I am the second oldest of 4.

I retreated into my own inner world as a child.
My older brother (ENTJ - best guess) is very domineering and wants the world to be like him. My younger sister (ESFP - best guess) was always fighting with ENTJ brother. Youngest brother (INTP - best guess) also retreated.

My siblings did not help me socialise.
I attribute that to the mix in personalities.
Also my family is not one that you could call normal either.......parents arguing 24/7 - which helped me retreat further - I was a "space cadet" as a child - always daydreaming.

[Deadgod]

I have a younger brother who's INXP. Him and I are best of friends, and it's because he is the practically the only friend I really have. But growing up with him wasn't too difficult since he had relatively the same level of competence as I did in the things I did, though sometimes I would put him down with arrogance and elitism. It does take me a lot of time to realize the growth and change in people.

It was worse with cousins coming over. I always wanted to be alone with my video games but my parents wanted me to share my video games and ugh...I totally hated it.

But to answer some of the other questions in the OP, I guess in a sense I did become a little more social with my brother around. If his friend is throwing a party, I would be invited. But the last time I went to a party, I did nothing but sit around and stare at people while wasting whatever refreshments they had.

[Cyr]

I have an older sister (by a few years) and a younger brother (second marriage, huge age difference), so I was basically raised as the younger child.

My sister used to try to change me when we were children but apparently I just didn't pay attention and did things my way. That's what my parents told me about my early childhood not too long ago. Now it's really difficult to explain but even though I had my parents (divorced though) and sister while growing up, I somehow have always felt quite on my own. More than the average kid, I believe.

How and is that related to the INTJ type? I have no clue.

[phantasma]

I'm the oldest of 4. It can't be assumed that only children are more reserved. On the contrary, I'm more reserved because I've simply been best friends with my younger sister, probably ENFP. I can rely on her to be my lifelong friend unless she dies, and I don't need much else outside my family. If I were an only child, I probably would be more motivated to look for friends.

[PeterIMC]

It starts to dawn on me that the ability to socialize is not related to how good you are at talking with people, but simply related to what your interests are. And unfortunately, most people are just happy with talking with people about boring stuff. What's even more weird is that they have no problem with doing that every time.

In fact, I noticed that as many events repeat on a yearly basis, these events get attended by the same people (Christmas, birthdays, work related events, sports, etc.) the same talks are performed. I don't know if all INTJ's are blessed/cursed with a great memory, but it's almost rediculous how predictable these events are becoming. To the point where I can predict where people will sit.

To be honest, INTJ's also love to talk about the same things over and over again, you can see that in this forum where there are many similar threads. But the subjects are so different, and when you start a subject like even this one, when you´re out with friends or colleagues, you'll get the famous silence treatment, people all the sudden staring in the distance, changing the subject right in your face, etc.

It's all about interests. INTJ interest: Doesn't really matter what the subject is, as long as we´re trying to figure something out, analize it, but not to the deepest theoretical level, it has to stay practical.

The fun is in the analysis!

For many other types: The fun is in the interaction with people. Let's all agree and be nice to each other. (Where's the fun in that??????)

[missy]

Im not an only child, but I am the oldest. My only sibling is a younger half brother, and we shared a room most of my childhood so I got my fair share of him. It could have been worse, though, as he's an INTP and also prefers to be left alone. Surprisingly not annoying for a little brother.

Anyway, I think being the oldest has been good for me. Taught me a little responsibility, not only for myself but for him as well. I wouldn't want to be an only child, if for no other reason than I would always have my parents undivided focus on me... and I like my freedom.

[Shintei Maki]

Sometimes I wish I were. Other times, though, I'm glad I'm not.

[altoid]

I have a younger brother, but I was so frequently doing my own thing I often felt like an only child.

[dalidaisy]

I am the baby (by 4 years) & also the black sheep of my immediate family, as well as my extended family. I was wierd from birth, I'm told. The influence of my mother & 2 older sisters probably drove me further into self-isolation. No one ever understood me or accepted me the way I was. I tried to understand their motivations & customs, but found most everything my family did illogical & sometimes downright stupid.

I don't really think my siblings had much affect on my development, except maybe a little competition with my biological sister, because she always got the positive attention. I guess I've developed a strong need for attention & praise as a result of never getting any as a child.

I've always believed I was born to the wrong family, in the wrong place, at the wrong time. I have never felt like an only child, mainly I've just felt like a loner...

[WyohKnott]

One younger sibling, but I was an only child for 5 years, until she was born.

I think it did eventually help my "social skills", but at the same time, those years of being an only child made me perfectly able to amuse myself for hours on end... I've never been quite sure whether my introversion was caused, partially or completely, by those years.

[LadyInHeels]

I'm the eldest of 6! I always wished I was an only when I was younger, but now I see how lonely that would've been.
Plus, since I have such a big family I have a decent excuse for my not wanting children.

[uneingenue]

i am an only child, and i learned all the social skills available, but i wasn't in the unfortunate situation of having to use them. i never had to share or work in a team. i'd rather eat glass.

[eri]

I'm a middle child. I think 2 of us are introverts, and my sister might be an extrovert. She's the one I got along less well with- we get along better as grown-ups.

[Aristocrat Porn]

I believe that a large age difference between siblings often contributes to different mbti preferences, sometimes very much so.

This might be especially true if they are of opposite genders.

[Cincinnatus]

Did interacting with your siblings help you develop social skills and make you more outgoing?

Nope

Did you retreat from your siblings and feel like an only child growing up?

Yep. I had little in common with my sister. She was five years older than me, and we never really saw eye to eye. I was very much on my own in that department.

[Plastikcat]

I am a only child.
My mother was an only child as well.

[prettypurple]

One of the issues INTJs (and other introverted types) struggle with is socializing, do you think being an only child made that even harder for you? Did being on your own or being surrounded with adults hinder your ability to get along with your peers? How did you learn to share, work in a team, empathize with others?

If you aren't an only child, did interacting with your siblings help you develop social skills and make you more outgoing? Or did you retreat from your siblings and feel like an only child growing up?


When my four, yes, four brothers would go to summer camp or away somewhere, I'd come out of my room. My mother noticed...this also made her believe that I hated my brothers...(which was only partially true). I often felt like I should have been an only child...I was the only girl in the house though...maybe that counts for something?

I don't think anything could have changed my socializing habits, or lack thereof...No matter who I was with, family or otherwise, I'd sitting in the farthest corner drawing or writing and blissfully comfortable and at peace that way. I was never interested in spending time with other girls, ie sleepovers, etc.

I learned to "turn on" the art of socializing throughout my secular career. I can comfortably socialize, and every once in a while I seek it out (a small group or just one friend). Was never really seen as odd (that I knew of), just extremely quiet. To my dismay people tend to want to talk to me about their problems or get advice. For some ungodly reason they tend to think I care.........I do. :thumbsup:

[JustMel]

I was born an only child. Then when my grandparents adopted me at 8 I became their youngest child but was still the only one at home so not much changed. Neither of my birth mother's stepdaughters ever lived with her and her husband so I was never around them either when young.

I don't think it hindered me in any way being around all adults. I played with neighborhood kids sometimes and sometimes I didn't. I wasn't pushed to "be a part of the crowd" because my mama (grandmother) was INxJ and she wasn't fond of people either so she understood. I suspect I was more "E" than "I" until the incident that caused the PTSD.

Growing up around adults made me a better conversationalist and at reasoning things out. They tell me that as an infant the first six weeks of my life I cried constantly. Everyone walked the floors with me, my birth parents, my maternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, everyone. Finally my mama (grandmother) said "the hell with. she can cry" and put me down and I stopped crying. I was fine as long as you didn't hold me other than for feeding. Otherwise they say I preferred to be in a seat or swing or laying beside you if you wanted to talk to me. I hated to be held. That's always been the case even into adulthood. I don't mind snuggling for a few minutes but I don't want to sleep all night with him draped over me. I feel smothered.

[ness2361]

I have eight siblings; I was raised, at various points, with no more than four. I was, in order of birth, fourth from the top but that doesn't mean much in the context of this question because the second from the top was given up at birth (I was never raised with her), and when it came to accepting responsibility, at times, especially from, say, twelve to nineteen, I accepted the responsibility more typical of an oldest.

When I think of the word "peer" on this forum, I think of other INTJs, but here it looks like you mean "those of my own age" or "school mates" and such? I'm answering that way. No, I don't think spending so much time alone (which I did whenever possible) or spending so much time with adults (parents, aunts and uncles) made it more difficult to relate to children my own age. I used to think that being raised by a mentally ill mother did; and certainly to some extent, in specific ways, it did, but more than that, I can see, now, it was my temperament itself. An example. On the playground, at recess, when other children would play dodge ball, jacks, skip rope, and so forth, I would sit on the sidelines watching. I remember, when I was eight and nine specifically, feeling lonely, condescending, and confused by the other children's games. I would watch and try to figure out the point.

Take hopscotch. What was the point? The girls--usually girls--who played seemed to enjoy it very much, and if I was in a particular, rare, trusting mood, I would do a run through or two, but was quickly bored. What was the point of the game? I was always trying to figure that out, and there did not seem to be enough of a point to it, or to many other playground games. I'm an extreme introvert, and also an extreme ectomorph. If I had a more athletic-oriented body I would have got the point for some of the games, but as it was, there was no enjoyment, or little, in joining in; and it was lonely to watch. My mind already had the scholar-seed but was too immature, lacking in basic critical thinking framework, guidance, to proceed. That age was particularly hard for me because I was still developing my reading ability; it would be another year before it clicked and I began reading as often as possible; by the time I was thirteen I was reading as many as three books a day and not fitting in with my so-called peers became a little less painful. I have remained the "watcher" and will more readily discern that "the point" is one I have already surpassed; one I have rejected; or is one I cannot grasp. (No one was playing chess on our playground; no one was moving through yogic asanas. American playgrounds are extravert-oriented, even anti-intellectual--as are the schools as a whole. Does the play on our school playgrounds have to be physical? The ones in my own working class neighborhood were almost completely so.)

As for how I learned to share, to the extent that I did (or do), it had to do with the expectations of my parents and other authority figures: it was required, and I usually complied. Later, when I became a born again Christian (age 8 to 13), I learned sharing by trying to follow Jesus' gospel in the Sermon on the Mount. As for working in a team, I didn't do well when I was in grade school or junior high; I dropped out in high school; and when I went back to college, by that time, I had become a leader, so the way I dealt with team situations was to organize the group. I didn't seize control; others naturally turned to me based on my understanding of the material and demonstrated ability, responses to professors, et cetera, in the classroom, and outside it--I usually hung out with the teachers as "peers." (I did not, and do not, enjoy team activities; I have a strong preference for following my own bliss.)

As for interacting with siblings and the affect that had on me, well, my siblings and I were in and out of foster care (the top three, not counting the one given up for adoption), and we acted like it. We horded food, were in almost constant conflict with each other, or suddenly joining together to fight our mom (never our dad--too afraid of him) so my socialization at home was that of those who live with deprivation, in an anti-social environment.

When I was thirteen my mother had her most severe nervous breakdown. I was old enough, barely, to assume responsibility for my youngest sisters (age six months, five and nine years old), and the household, in general. When my mother came out of the hospital, everything was different; I mean my role in the family: I was in direct competition with, defiance of her. That couldn't last... She arranged for me to marry someone when I was fifteen; I did it when I was sixteen and left home for good.

While I was still living with my birth family, in adolescence, I was in constant inner conflict: feeling the responsibility, and to some extent satisfaction, of being surrogate mother for my sisters; feeling the pressure to, and satisfaction of solving problems; but also feeling the need as well as acting on it to spend as much time alone as possible. One of my favorite activities was to sit in the dark in the dining room, in the evenings, listening to music while my parents and sisters watched television in the living room. By the time I was fifteen I wanted nothing to do with any of them but felt deeply guilty about it, and would go out of my way to be giving to my sisters to alleviate the guilt, and because I had been brainwashed into believing that they were my responsibility, almost my own children.

I don't think that the number of siblings help us to become socialized; it's the quality of the relationships themselves, the amount of give and take; and that quality depends so much on the direction and role modeling given to us by our parents and other prominent caregivers: are we taught to step out of ourselves; are we shown by example to respect the needs of those who are different from us; those we dislike; those whose needs don't even make sense to us; have we been taught, in other words, to make room for anyone besides "us" however we decide who WE are? Mature, responsible adults teach these fundamental lessons in "getting along." The adults in my life, the primary ones, gave me disordered, manipulative, conflicted lessons which usually involved their taking and my giving. I learned, early, how to fight, flee or fold. Later, I had to learn how to cooperate; how to commit; and I learned it from internal or literary sources; I'm still learning. I'm particularly good with children, the sick and the very old: those "little ones" that Jesus taught us to care for; that much I learned. It's caring for anyone who doesn't seem to "need"; it's learning to feel cared for--and to care--in less urgent, more mundane situations, that causes me the most difficulty.

[Xanthippe]

Being an only child certainly made socialising difficult - I don't have cousins, and I grew up without neighbours my age, so I really spent a lot of time alone or surrounded by adults. I didn't really have friends until high school, when I had two. It was sometimes very painful and left some psychological scars (thank goodness for therapy...) but I'm glad I endured it, because it has made me independent and self-confident.

I think being thoroughly N with S parents contributed to my introversion; we love each other, but I think they had trouble figuring me out, and I often found myself wanting someone with whom to discuss ideas. Despite the loving family life, I've always felt quite alone in the world - as a little girl I was extremely secretive (often causing unwarranted suspicion, which in turn made me more secretive), always asking for safes and codebooks at holidays, and I still find it difficult to trust others.

I'm still weak on teamwork and social skills. On teams, I tend to let someone else lead, but if he or she is incompetent, I find myself doing all the work. For no discernible reason, people tend to follow me when I walk in groups. This is unwise, as I'm usually lost in thought. To make people like me, I sort of turn on the charm (it's literally like a switch - one minute I'm melancholic, introverted and blunt and the next I'm grinning and fluttering my eyelashes like an idiot). I learned this skill as an only child: as soon as my parents' adult friends came over, I did that and generally received rewards. I never really got used to sharing my belongings, so I've simply avoided those situations. As for empathising, I've learned to analyse people on a more intellectual level, since simply understanding doesn't come easily.

In short, I'm glad to be an only child, although the pressure to have my own kids will be intense some day. The challenges are interesting, at least, and the advantages (confidence, self-reliance, a long attention span, and a sense of detachment) can be extremely useful.

[callmemigs]

Q: One of the issues INTJs (and other introverted types) struggle with is socializing, do you think being an only child made that even harder for you?

Definitely a 150% yes. Being an only child, an introvert and an INTJ definitely hinders me from developing more intimate relationships with my cousins, and people I get to know and get to like later on.

Q: Did being on your own or being surrounded with adults hinder your ability to get along with your peers?

I always don't understand people most of the time because when I was still a child, I've interacted more with my toys rather than real kids my age to begin with. Maybe this had my mind thinking that social relationships and social settings are as logical as building legos (yes, I love to play with legos in my childhood), yet it more has something to do with how I should communicate and understand other people's feelings. Plus, there are times when I just want to be left alone and do my own thing. Lastly, most people are so interdependable which really clashes with one of my personal virtues: independence and self reliance. People often mistake this as selfishness and "I-don't-care-about-you" attitude, thus leading to coldness and indifference. I guess it has something to do with the collective culture (Filipino culture) I grew up with where everyone should belong to a group of interdependable people ("barkada"). I always felt left out (until now) to be honest.

Q: How did you learn to share, work in a team, empathize with others?

If what you meant by sharing is sharing of personal space, it depends. If sharing my personal space for a while will benefit a school project, that's just fine. Or if sharing my personal space for the sake of their companionship, I tend to make excuses just to get the hell away with it. If what you meant by empathizing is the "huggy-feely" kind of bonding, that is really disgusting to be honest. I definitely know how to empathize but I don't think it has something to do with being able to directly express your empathy. Rather it is more of something you are able to feel a person's shoes and, afterwards, doing something to him/her for the sake of his/her situation without showing or expressing your full empathy.

[Akiladelle]

I am an only child, but was a lot more extroverted in my early youth... Now I appreciate not having siblings.

[More Tea]

I'm an only child. And contrary to popular expectations, I think being one actually *helped* me socialize more.

I didn't have a "default" set of playmates in the form of siblings, but I wanted some interaction. So I absolutely had to talk to people. If I had had a sibling or two, there might have been more incentive to just spend my time with them. I can't imagine those would have been open, healthy friendships either, since we'd have *all* been under the heel of a schizophrenic parent.

On the other side of this, I have seen people with lots of siblings who are inept socially. So, no, I don't buy into the idea that being an only child somehow leads to less and/or inferior socialization.

Sure, I'm very independent and all that. But I also know how to talk to people and--when I find someone who is worthy, LOL--make new friends.

[seraphicharm]

I said yes...but briefly as a small child, my elder half-brother lived with us. I barely remember it and consider myself an only child.

[Fox]

I'm the baby.

[mirandasays]

I really enjoy answering the question of whether I have siblings and if I do, whether I am the oldest/middle/youngest, because I've been everything at one point in my life.
The Short Version:
Born an only child.
Older half-brother from previous marriage moved in. (Youngest)
Parent remarried, adding my younger step-sister. (Middle)
Older half-brother moved out and severs ties from family. (Oldest)

[2obvious]

If you aren't an only child, did interacting with your siblings help you develop social skills and make you more outgoing? Or did you retreat from your siblings and feel like an only child growing up?
Being the middle of three did have its benefits, but better social skills wasn't one of them.

I like to think that my perspective on the world is a lot less self-centered because of my siblings. There were certain responsibilities built into existence that I had to accept, because the world didn't revolve around me.

In our early years, however, the oldest and the youngest enjoyed each other's company more than mine, leaving me the odd man out. Thinking toward the future: I plan on having an even number of kids.

[GenessorDios]

people i meet sometimes don't believe i'm an only child, because i've learned how not to act spoiled (though i am) and self-centred (ditto). my social development was definitely stunted because i spent large parts of my childhood by myself with my toys or my comic books while my friends were watching movies or playing sports together. most of the social skills i now possess are the result of learning from said comics or tv/movies.

i have not seen many other only children in real life, but the only one i know well, also has some social retardation, though unlike me, she seems content the way she is and does not think she needs to change.

not wanting to show i was spoiled led me to the other extreme, where i would perform a marvelous impression of a doormat. i thought i would find a comfortable balance after more than 2 decades of this but i'm still blundering my way through social situations.

[plushbug]

Only child here. I grew up in a situation where there were always many more adults than children available to me, and tended to prefer the adults--more interesting, more I could learn from them--but I would say got such a thorough, explicit grounding in good manners and diplomacy--at bottom the notions that it was essential to pay attention, be conscious and considerate of others' differing interests, and tolerant of ignorant behaviour as long as it stopped short of physical attack--that socialization wasn't a big problem until I hit my teens. Then battle lines were drawn over all the ways in which I was a) different to the average "mainstream" teenager, b) damned if I was going to dumb down to my age-peers' level. Up to that stage I think most of my peers found me mildly puzzling but low-key pleasant and useful enough to be acceptable (had the edge in getting on with adults, and always knew how to spell the big words) and after the 3-4 years it took for that community to mature enough to recognize my right to exist, that state of affairs was essentially restored. I don't make close friends at all readily, but I've learned to be good at not making enemies, either.

[stroozette]

I'm the oldest of two biological, oldest of a blended family of four step-siblings. I'm also the smallest in size and got my driver's license after everyone else.

My two children are 8 years apart; I'm raising two only children. (Son is in college, daughter is in middle school.)

[JimTaylor]

Three brother's, Three sister's and the middle child. As a middle child though it feels like at time's I was an only child, because my parents where much harsher on my older siblings when it came to punishments but also more praising when they did anything right. Then my younger siblings where just allowed to do what ever they wanted and punishment was just about absent and any little thing they did was praised as they thought they screwed us older siblings. So that leaves me in the middle getting ignored, all accomplishments thrown into a box, and receiving close to the same harsh punishments as my older siblings.

So from a young age I pretty much just hid in the background always outdoing everyone of my siblings but being happy too only be ignored. Also having so many siblings made it that much easier to be ignored and get private time, just because the parents were always to busy with everybody else to pay much attention to the quite good kid, so they can be a good distraction specially when they are like my older siblings. I have to say it is fun watching your dad's car on 10pm news flying down the freeway after an armed robbery by one of my older sisters freinds.
Having siblings didn't really help my social skills though because they all pretty much think I am social reject as well, but that's not because I have problems talking with them because that is easy considering I have known them all my life. It's not hard to talk to them because I know them so well and it's easy to get out of having to talk to them. So ya siblings was great growing up, just having somebody to always be their and I wouldn't have had any other way.

[t3hrubikscube]

I do have two older half-siblings, but I was raised as an only child.
My half-siblings are much older and have never lived with me, so I guess you could say that I am an only child in a sense.