Relationship with an INTJ, a duel against yourself?

[changos]

"I learned it from you". It resumes a way of dealing with many problems (after discussing = waste of time). As a general fact people tend to hate their reflection. In some way is like saying "you are right". In a way, it seems a relationship with me can be a duel against themselves. Here is the explanation where all this come from:

After discussing with a few close friends we shared how we deal with our love partners when we disagree on something.

Example A: two ex girlfriends were strong E (many many friends). They received constant phone calls and often text messages. I complained and nothing good happened. Both told me I kept people far away, that was not good. They kept people connected with them.

Example B: some ex girlfriends kept a friendship with her ex boyfriends. I complained for the sometimes-constant mentions of them in our conversations ("you know, XX was telling me...") and sometimes leaded to fights as they wanted to meet them for a cup of coffee..

Both scenarios describe situations totally acceptable and unacceptable depending several factors, but is hard to fully explain. I guess you get the point with the previous examples.

So I decided to mimic their behavior. As I began receiving more phone calls in their presence it was obvious they hated it. Then when I decided to meet one ex girlfriend for a coffee the thing exploded very ugly. I didn't attempt to defend myself, just said: you are right, I will try to keep people closer to me, in communication as you do, I learned this from you, thanks, I was being to hard on people. OR:

Yeah, I changed my mind after discussing with you, you are right... an ex girlfriend is that, is not an enemy, that's why I decided to meet her for a coffee, it won't be frequent. I'm learning from you as you learn from me, positive things of course!. I now see there is nothing bad on it, just as you do it in a healthy way.

Yes, the thing exploded and it was the only way to make them stop doing their thing, only after I did the same. So, this process seems evident in my past relationships trying to make them realize what they do: they face what they do.

Do you see this as a constant INTJ thing?

[Metanoia]

As I understand it, it seem to me like what you did was a sort of: "If you can't beat the enemy, join them."

Well, I do not necessarily mimic the behavior of other people that I cannot condole because it has a conflict with my own values and ideals. Although there would be a point in time when I think that it would be the only way for them to be able to see what is wrong with the things that they are doing. What I adopt are those that I know would be beneficial on me. In doing so I become a better person.

Then again, I do agree on the "I learned it from you" and "you are right" part. The people close to me often have a problem with me about these kind of things because I usually make them remember that they taught me something and yet their actions do otherwise. I know that it irritates.

I often experience this kind of "conflict" with my mother. Haha, it annoys her. Being an NF, sometimes I even hurt her deeply when in reality I do not realy intend that. But then, I can still see a light of pride in her face at times whenever I make her remember things that she taught me.

I do not know if this is a constant INTJ thing, but I am interested on how this comes out.

[ElstonGunn]

As I understand it, it seem to me like what you did was a sort of: "If you can't beat the enemy, join them."

To me, it seems more like "Give them a taste of their own medicine," or "What's good for the goose is good for the gander," or maybe "You can put puppies in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits," or "He ran away with the victory like a hobo with a sweet potato pie." (Well, not so much the last two.)

Something about it seems ethically questionable to me, like you're using the ex-girlfriend for your own gain. But I don't think that's really what you'd be doing, so I'm not sure whether there's something wrong with it or not.

On a purely practical level, it sounds like a good way to get someone to see a problem from your point of view.

[Ligda]

That's why you need to have a relationship with a fellow INTJ, or something close. They understand where you're coming from and don't get all pissy or incredibly insecure when you don't text them 20 times a day or let them know you exist every hour.

[VinceVanGo]

"I learned it from you". It resumes a way of dealing with many problems (after discussing = waste of time). As a general fact people tend to hate their reflection. In some way is like saying "you are right". In a way, it seems a relationship with me can be a duel against themselves. Here is the explanation where all this come from:

I totally do this. And and it works every time. The reason that I've come up with is that in these types of situations the person is doing these things intentionally to make me jealous. I don't get jealous, so manipulating me is a bad idea. I get angry that someone who supposedly cares about me would try to manipulate me, so I get even. (I'm a Scorpio AND an INTJ! LOL!)

When they don't get the jealous response they want from me AND I start doing the same thing to them, their insecurity comes out--which is really what is driving their behavior in the first place. I don't understand why people play games like this.

[changos]

As I understand it, it seem to me like what you did was a sort of: "If you can't beat the enemy, join them"Good point (if one keeps doing things their way) but in my case it was just an example.


I do agree on the "I learned it from you" and "you are right" part. The people close to me often have a problem with me about these kind of things because I usually make them remember that they taught me something and yet their actions do otherwise. I know that it irritatesThats a very good point to deal with incoherence, its a better way to confront people with their own point of view, thanks!

To me, it seems more like "Give them a taste of their own medicine," YES!, thats the thing!

Something about it seems ethically questionable to me, like you're using the ex-girlfriend for your own gain. But I don't think that's really what you'd be doing, You are 100% right, that would be using people. In my case, on this scenario, the act of saying it has proven enough, I didn't need to call her, just saying that I would do the same was enough.

That's why you need to have a relationship with a fellow INTJ, or something close. They understand where you're coming from and don't get all pissy or incredibly insecure when you don't text them 20 times a day or let them know you exist every hour.I would like to try an INTJ girl :)

I totally do this. And and it works every time. The reason that I've come up with is that in these types of situations the person is doing these things intentionally to make me jealous. I don't get jealous, so manipulating me is a bad idea. Ha ha, totally get it. I don't precisely get jealous (I'm not saying that I'm never jealous) but the fact of being incoherent or trying to manipulate me is very anoying.

[Ligda]

I would like to try an INTJ girl :)



Ah, yes. We are a very rare and elusive breed.