Could you let your family go?

[Rachel45]

As many of you know,I grew up in a dysfunctional family. For the last five years they have been getting crazier and crazier.For example,they are quite fond of reeling me in with lots of affectionate gestures and then-in an insane manner-they dump me and tell me they don't want to talk with me for awhile.Why would I take the bait time and time again? I think I have some sort of "survivor's guilt" because I chose to recover from addiction and abuse. My mother is seventy-four years old and the ringleader when it comes to the triangulation of me and my two sisters.About fifteen minutes ago,I called her(sooo grateful that that they all live on the west coast) to see how she was doing and she told me that she doesn't want to talk to me and she wouldn't tell me why. Many people-from my recovery family to my Rabbi have advised me to LET THEM GO. Meaning NO contact until they choose to get well. They may never get well and I plan to continue to grow and flourish. Could you completely let go of your family??

[ame]

definitely.

[True Rune]

Yeah, but there isn't a good reason why.

[ame]

"Yeah, but there isn't a good reason why"

thats hilarious man

[CaptainA]

Yes, most certainly if they were causing me harm, as apparently your family do. They often think that I have in any case. I don't call often enough. We do live on separate continents.

[lancelot]

As many of you know,I grew up in a dysfunctional family. For the last five years they have been getting crazier and crazier.For example,they are quite fond of reeling me in with lots of affectionate gestures and then-in an insane manner-they dump me and tell me they don't want to talk with me for awhile.Why would I take the bait time and time again? I think I have some sort of "survivor's guilt" because I chose to recover from addiction and abuse. My mother is seventy-four years old and the ringleader when it comes to the triangulation of me and my two sisters.About fifteen minutes ago,I called her(sooo grateful that that they all live on the west coast) to see how she was doing and she told me that she doesn't want to talk to me and she wouldn't tell me why. Many people-from my recovery family to my Rabbi have advised me to LET THEM GO. Meaning NO contact until they choose to get well. They may never get well and I plan to continue to grow and flourish. Could you completely let go of your family??


If you were in an environment where you could get your needs met, then maybe you could limit your contact with your family.

Not speaking to someone for long periods of time, or writing them off, is not good in my opinion.

[Tablelamp]

I'm afraid there are no good answers to be found here, insufficiant data. Your best bet would be to ask a friend who knows your family almost as well as you do, if you have one. If not, use you're best judgement.
If you don't feel strongly either way, just take the middle road and not worry about getting in contact with them , and let them come to you.

[mayumi]

I don't think Rachel45 sees them that often, doesn't live near them, and already has a new family. Her main problem is severing emotional ties...in the sense of disowning her mother and sisters as not her mother and sisters anymore.

This happens a lot in my culture and a few times in my family, we have all sorts of terms for it, if it helps you feel less guilty.

I would say, put some distance if it hampers your personal development..After you've reached the security you want and feel more self confident about not being so affected by them, say hello again. I don't think its wise to write them off completely, you might regret it in old age.

[Avid]

I don't like being around people that make me miserable. I didn't talk to my mother for about 5 years. The constant betrayal and the effect she had on my general well-being took too much a toll on me. I talk to her now lightly because I do truly wish I could be closer to her...she just makes it hard to care about her. It does hurt to try to emotionally cut them loose to an acceptable level but it is possible and it may or may not be right for you. Your value call.

[Rachel45]

I don't see them often at all. I can understand what you mean,mayumi, about completely writing them off. I do not want to have any regrets later on in life,but truthfully,I have had alot of regret already as a result of absorbing their CRAZINESS and still thinking I could maybe figure them out one day-it has always been important for people to make some sort of sense to me. I can see how much time has been wasted....I have never really just taken a break from them to get stronger-I always assumed I was strong enough- oh well back to the drawing board....Thank you Avid for your feedback-sounds like your mother and my mother should go bowling...

[Ligda]

actually, i had a restraining order placed against my mother about 5 years ago and haven't seen her since. we were very close, however, extremely dysfunctional. it is possible, and gets easier with time. i only keep in contact with my biological sister, everyone else in my "adult adoptive family" are not blood related to me and i choose to keep in contact with them.

[Rachel45]

This is the hard part,to completely embrace what I know to be TRUE.They are not truly my family anymore. I have been shown what it means to be loved unconditionally(my children,husband,his family,and my recovery family) and I am grateful that I have been able to absorb it,cherish it, and most importantly return it.

[punkyplatypus]

My family is different from yours. I share mutual love and respect with my family (not that yours doesn't, but mine is different than what you've describe). We are there for one another as long as none of us become a detrimental burden or overtly disrespect each other. So far my close family members have not fallen into one of these categories.

If your family members were part of my family, I'd seriously consider if they respected me. They might even be considered a psychological burden if the grief they put you through hinders your everyday life. I have an aunt and uncle who change attitudes based on situation and gain. They'll be nice during funerals & weddings or if they think they can benefit from it, but the world revolves around them so they drop the act as soon as we become unneeded/unnecessary. They've lost my respect, but I'm kind to them out of respect for my parents. Since this seems somewhat similar to your situation, I'd probably let them go unless I was keeping the peace for the sake other respected family members. However, it doesn't seem like anyone is holding you back.

[Arceus]

Yup.

[Jakalwarrior]

I have disowned my sister. My mother constantly tells me "blood is thicker" than something, I cant remember the cheesy phrase. Anywho I say no it isn't. We didn't get to pick these people. If they are bad people, why tolerate them? Whatever feelery reason most people hang on just eludes me.

[Kodn]

relatively easily. I've found that if I think about cutting ties with family in the future, it bothers me. however in the cases where it's actually been required, I cut the ties and move on, and it generally doesn't bother me nearly as much as I anticipate.

I'm nearly always concerned with the future and rarely dwell on the past. When a potential cut with family is looming, I dwell on it. Once it's past it no longer bothers me.

[Zedicus]

I find letting go very easy, I didn't talk to anyone in my family for 8 years, and even after 8 years I only talked to my older brother. I find not letting go to be the hard part. I have to consciously try not to let go and include others in my life.

So to answer the OP yes, if they were getting in my way I could drop them like a bad hat.

[Released]

Yes. If necessary. I prefer to protect my own dignity and self-respect and will dissolve any relationship where I'm consistently threatened.

[reb]

Rachel, i never could completely let my family go as long as my Mother was alive. when she died, it took me just a couple of years of Dad's continued verbal abuse (too old to beat me anymore), and i let him go....on the advice of a senior citizen counselor...what she said was what you have been told in your first post. i thought on it, and i then acted on it, the situation then being crystal clear. it hurt.

later, Dad said to me 'you aren't taking very good care of me!' and i said 'you won't let me. you fight me tooth and nail over anything i try to do to help you, then you criticize me and try to invalidate me if i do something despite your protests. you will have to take care of yourself. i refuse to let you abuse me further.'

looking back, i can see how this was a necessary, if difficult, step that i had to take in my own education.
reb

[Sliderule]

Honestly, given you're situation I myself would have no problem walking away since your family is not acting like a family at all from what you describe. Leave death for the dying and get on living your life. All they seem to be doing is stealing your time, your esteem, and your happiness. Stealing to me at least is no different from murder. With murder your entire life is stolen from you and everyone that knows you instantly, all that time is gone and lost forever. When you're stolen from you don't lose all of your time, but depending on how much is stolen you can still lose quite a lot, and you don't get it back.

[More]

People end relationships and grow distant all the time, sometimes never seeing each other again. When relationships don't work, they don't work. There's no reason familial relations should be an exception to this. It's a real possibility that some shared DNA isn't enough to justify continuing a relationship. If you wouldn't want to have a relationship if they weren't your family, don't. If you do decide to terminate your relationship with your family, just be sure to prepare yourself to be able to reject them when they make contact again. Think of them like a bad ex.

[Rachel45]

Thank you,More...If they were not my family I would have no relationship with them.I would be able to do this effortlessly. Shared DNA is no reason to put up with their illogical affronts to my reality.My family of origin acts so eager to drop -not only me-other people when they no longer serve any use.Thank you my fellow INTJs for sharing so much of your wisdom and for keeping me on track by reminding me of who I am and how my INTJness can best serve me.

[Van Diesel]

Easily, but I know better.

[Tablelamp]

Hahaha! I don't know about wisdom, but we don't generally hesitate to give you our thoughts. :laugh:

[zippikay]

how about prioritize? certainly yourself and your nuclear family takes precedence over your extended family?

what you would do is reasonable and logical and you would say to yourself that you only did what you must, for the greater goods

[Plum21]

hey
this post really touches me. I don't know your situation but if I may be so bold, here is some of what I have learned about "letting people go" but not really, it's more of letting that part of you go which connects with them in a way which is a hurtful pattern to your growth and well-being.

My true belief is that the "forgiveness" preached in our culture is a suggestion that we should supress our pain for someone else. safety is our number one right and love is most important. but we have felt some kind of love from our family and are self-destructive. use your head because sometimes your head is the best heart you have.
but you will fill a loss and desperation you might return to where you were before to fill it. however, is this destructive to who you are? absolutely. it is hard to admit that you have been hurt- i dont know quite why but no doubt it is...it is part of it. it might be helpful to look up some psycology stuff on this and read through it to understand it. it won't fill the void. new relationships will. but at times, it helps to understand what's going on. maybe it is hard to admit we've been hurt because we don't like the lack of control, and this was a tough situation, because it was our parents. how can you say no to your parents? you can't. until you grow up and then you can make that decision. everyone does this on a certain level but guess what? some happen to be taught to do it and some are taught that's not in the book of rules, and that is wrong-it is ok to say no- always it's the right thing to be able to do that when you feel you need to.

to sum it up in a concise way- you need something to fill what you have lost. what you used to have made you and now you are rebuilding yourself and you want it to be a good creation- answer- choose what YOU need- not thinking of your family. they need to take care of themselves. leaning on you is not an option unless you enable them to make it one. they are unstable. I don't think it's about cutting them off completely. when all is said and done, you will be able to discover whether they want a relationship or not and go from there. they're just people.

I think it's really awesome you posted this. I really hope this can shed some light on the situation! You are a beautiful person- thank you for the words.





Plum21 added to this post, 82 minutes and 47 seconds later...

thanks More. this helped me. "think of them as a bad ex" is a really clear way of putting it. nice job!! the fact is, no one likes to do it, because denial has been in process forever, and even though you will fight yourself the whole way, in the end, will you do what's good for you, or for others? I hope for you! it's not selfish- it's living- which I say because it too me a massive amount of time to understand/accept that.

[hidden]

Yes, not only would I let them go, but I would make sure that I maintain the distance in every way possible. Just because they are *family* does not give them the right to treat you like crap. Would you take such treatment from strangers? No. Then *family* should not be an exception. Sometimes, I am much closer to my friends than my actual family. And I'm not sorry about it. If it's toxic and a threat to my mental health and emotional stability...then I say no.

I also wanted to suggest that maybe you search for a book titled 'Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life.' This book may help you.

[Rachel45]

"Use your head because sometimes your head is the best heart you have" What a beautiful thing to say.....Thanks,Plum21 for your kind words and superb wisdom.........

[Plum21]

cool!!! well thank you for your honesty and openess!! you're great!
someone else actually processed that for me. I was talking and said it and then they replied, wow, that makes sense and is good, so yeah, make actions with the head!!! sometimes the heart has some bad bias in it until one recovers from abuse.

[graciela224]

Never. As an INTJ, I'm very loyal to the idea of family. My family is dysfunctional, too. If they were not related to me I would probably hate them.

[Plum21]

I disagree. in order to disengage- disconnect, I think it is important to have this time, for yourself, and in order to disconnect yourself from the specific people in which you are trying to disengage.





Plum21 added to this post, 1 minutes and 54 seconds later...

thank you for writing this. the part about coming back to say hello again once one is ready really gave me some good insight.





Plum21 added to this post, 2 minutes and 30 seconds later...

If you were in an environment where you could get your needs met, then maybe you could limit your contact with your family.

Not speaking to someone for long periods of time, or writing them off, is not good in my opinion.





Plum21 added to this post, 0 minutes and 54 seconds later...

I don't think Rachel45 sees them that often, doesn't live near them, and already has a new family. Her main problem is severing emotional ties...in the sense of disowning her mother and sisters as not her mother and sisters anymore.

This happens a lot in my culture and a few times in my family, we have all sorts of terms for it, if it helps you feel less guilty.

I would say, put some distance if it hampers your personal development..After you've reached the security you want and feel more self confident about not being so affected by them, say hello again. I don't think its wise to write them off completely, you might regret it in old age.

[Nikita]

If living a life of fulfilling purpose and contributing something real and significant to this world meant that I would have to give them up, then yes I could do it. I love my cousins dearly, and they are the main reason for any hesitation. But if I could make this world a safer place for them by letting them go, then I could and I would.

[zibber]

Many people-from my recovery family to my Rabbi have advised me to LET THEM GO. Meaning NO contact until they choose to get well.

Unless they recognize and understand how their behavior is problematic, they won't magically "choose to 'get well'".

[Plum21]

hahahaha and isnt it sad i sometimes think this could be true hahahaha. i needed a good laugh and some profound words of wisdom today. thanks zibber :)

[Tablelamp]

Unless they recognize and understand how their behavior is problematic, they won't magically "choose to 'get well'".

It IS true, and I see examples of it every day. It is called "willful ignorence", and from my perspective it comes from people with no ability or desire for introspection. They never question "why" something happens, and would rather bitch and whine and moan about it instead, since the consider themsleves "normal" and "normal" people never have anything like that happen to them.

Also it could be a perspective thing. I know someone who is very intelligent, and intraverted... but his ability to percieve his environment is incredibly limited. He seems physicaly incapable of seeing things from someone else's angle no matter how hard he tries. He truly doesn't understand why everybody doesn't like the exact same things as him, or why other people do the things they do... expecially if it isn't something he would do.
Naturally, he is very self-centered, and has probably more social issues than I do.

[Plum21]

It IS true, and I see examples of it every day. It is called "willful ignorence", and from my perspective it comes from people with no ability or desire for introspection. They never question "why" something happens, and would rather bitch and whine and moan about it instead, since the consider themsleves "normal" and "normal" people never have anything like that happen to them.



thanks for this!

[Avital]

Oddly enough, yeah i probably could let my family go. The past 2 years my family (dad, mom, me, sis) have grown apart physically (2 states) and emotionally.

Really all of us have our own lives to deal with right now and other than the usual family occasions (bdays); our lives don't intertwine at all anymore and my family wasn't dysfunctional by any means, my parents are still married and my sister and i get along just fine, just seems like we are all going our separate ways.

[VinceVanGo]

Thank you,More...If they were not my family I would have no relationship with them.I would be able to do this effortlessly. Shared DNA is no reason to put up with their illogical affronts to my reality.My family of origin acts so eager to drop -not only me-other people when they no longer serve any use.Thank you my fellow INTJs for sharing so much of your wisdom and for keeping me on track by reminding me of who I am and how my INTJness can best serve me.

My family, like most people, continuously let me down. While I'm learning and growing they seem to be regressing. My world gets bigger, theirs shrinks. While I don't have the abuse it sounds like you have, I find it very hard to maintain those ties. However, I do love them and miss them at times.

I want to comment on your rhetorical question about why you keep going back. In my experience, we recreate situations in our lives in order to try do get them right. People do that with romantic relationships too. The problem is that no matter how much you have learned and grown, if the other parties have not, you will be stuck in a cycle. You keep calling with an open mind and heart, but your mom goes right back to that same place with you.

The best way (totally my opinion, of course) to handle this is to reach out to them to check on them. Call to say hello and how are you. If something bad happened and your mom got sick, you would feel bad if you weren't there, so cover those bases and leave it at that. When she starts her crap, you say "OK, I'm not going to listen to this, so I'm going to hang up. I'm glad you're OK. Talk to you next month/week/whatever." Then be consistent with your phone calls. By doing this you are a) taking control of the situation, and b) sending a consistent signal to your mom, who has her own issues, that you are not rejecting her but that you have clear boundaries.

It took me a while to realize that I could have conflicting feelings, sometimes hatred for my family and love and miss them at the same time. That's why cutting them off entirely doesn't work.

Please paypal me $1,350 US. It took me a year of therapy to learn this! LOL!!

[Brilliance]

Ah, the "Can I let them go". Definately.. done it before - Had a real hassle when my parents had a divorce couple years back. Broke contact with my father for 3-4 years.. He started speaking to me again, which I allowed because I figured light conversation could be tolerated over the phone. Since then I speak to them probably 3-5 times a year and probably see them 1-2 depending on how the last 'visit or talk' went.

Heh, I got the initial impression that he started talking to me again because he wanted a kidney from me - He tried to put me on the spot and ask if I would give him mine, trying to guilt me into it. I told him no of course, and he replied with something like "you're going to sit there and watch me die?" my response "I'm not going to watch, I'll go into the next room or something".

Surprisingly, he's still in contact with me, maybe he's still trying to change my mind. Maybe he just likes the light converse we share. Who knows.

[Uytuun]

Yes.