Affectionate INTJ?!

[OneBadMother]

I have an INTJ friend who I've been interested in for quite some time. I told him that I liked him, and was told that he liked me as a friend, after which there was a quick change of subject and only one day's worth of awkwardness. Nevertheless, I am confused. Signs of possible physical affection have again appeared. He's leaned his head against my shoulder in a mock pretend-to-go-to-sleep gesture, and also slumped his head against my chest that same night. He's also poked me a few times. I hear that you INTJs aren't too physically affectionate in general, so what does this mean? Is this not considered affectionate? Do you often do these things with your close friends? I'm perfectly alright with the unlikelihood of anything other than a great friendship coming out of this, but I just need to understand this first.

[Solaris]

Ask him. Since every person is different, the only good answer will be his. Maybe he was caught off guard by what you said and does have feelings. But maybe he's just clueless as to what those signals are that he's sending, and he really does just want to be your friend. If he really does just want to be your friend, then maybe set some boundaries or something for a while if his behavior makes it harder for you.

[rwyatt365]

Ask him. Since every person is different, the only good answer will be his. Maybe he was caught off guard by what you said and does have feelings. But maybe he's just clueless as to what those signals are that he's sending, and he really does just want to be your friend. If he really does just want to be your friend, then maybe set some boundaries or something for a while if his behavior makes it harder for you.
Ultimately, this is true - that person has the best answer to your questions.

But, in the interests of being an INTJ know-it-all brimming with suggestions…he probably does like you and is uncomfortable with expressing what he feels. My guess is that he's looking for something from you to let him know that it's ok to "progress" to other levels of expression. So he does "little things" (like you've described) and is examining your responses closely.

What do you want? Identify that and tell him. He'll either appreciate it and respond in kind, or flee in terror (no, not really).

[The Rose]

If he likes you "as a friend" that means he is not chemically/physically attracted to you.

[xtremegeek]

I have an INTJ friend who I've been interested in for quite some time. I told him that I liked him, and was told that he liked me as a friend, after which there was a quick change of subject and only one day's worth of awkwardness. Nevertheless, I am confused. Signs of possible physical affection have again appeared. He's leaned his head against my shoulder in a mock pretend-to-go-to-sleep gesture, and also slumped his head against my chest that same night. He's also poked me a few times. I hear that you INTJs aren't too physically affectionate in general, so what does this mean? Is this not considered affectionate? Do you often do these things with your close friends? I'm perfectly alright with the unlikelihood of anything other than a great friendship coming out of this, but I just need to understand this first.

I wouldn't label this as affection, but flirting. And if he's flirting with you, that means he likes you. He's waiting for you to spell it out. I suggest you just ask him direct questions about your relationship. Be bold, be brave, be direct!! (I think that battle cry came from a How to Date an INTJ handbook.)

[phoenix]

It sounds like he's attracted and interested. But you caught him off guard when you told him you liked him and he panicked. His response was basically a defense mechanism to buy him some time to think it through. Sounds like he's finished thinking . . .

[Paul V]

I have an INTJ friend who I've been interested in for quite some time. I told him that I liked him, and was told that he liked me as a friend, after which there was a quick change of subject and only one day's worth of awkwardness. Nevertheless, I am confused. Signs of possible physical affection have again appeared. He's leaned his head against my shoulder in a mock pretend-to-go-to-sleep gesture, and also slumped his head against my chest that same night. He's also poked me a few times. I hear that you INTJs aren't too physically affectionate in general, so what does this mean? Is this not considered affectionate? Do you often do these things with your close friends? I'm perfectly alright with the unlikelihood of anything other than a great friendship coming out of this, but I just need to understand this first.

Let's not all jump into conclusions, they tend to screw hypothesis. Let's analyse what it means without making any assumptions.

Facts:

A) He is comfortable touching you.
B) He claimed not to be romantically interested in you.
C) There was little awkward time (Major fact here).

Let's see how we can combine these facts into plausible theories:

Theory 1: He panicked, as has been suggested before.
Possible Course of Action: Let him know in subtle/non-verbal ways that you're puzzled at his behaviour. This will make him subconsciously want to give you an explanation. INTJs love to resolve problems, and this will be too much for him to resist, specially if he's used to helping you in other ways.

Theory 2: He'd love to have a relationship with you but there's something stopping him from doing so.
Possible Course of Action: There are two main possibilities with this theory. There's either an emotional obstacle or a concrete one. To find out if it's emotional: Find out about his relationship philosophy (All INTJs have one, even if it's only a rough draft), and try to identify the problem. To find out if it's a concrete obstacle: See if he isn't already interested in someone else or if anyone/anything is preventing him from having any relationships at all. This might be hard to find out, but you can do it with time and effort. Oh, and intelligence, obviously.

Theory 3: You are in a reversed archetypical situation known as "The Best Friend". You know how guys complain that they do everything for the girl they like and she still sees them as her best friend? Well, reverse the genders and you'll have your current situation.
Possible Course of Action: Only two, and neither are good for you. Either get over it, or keep at it. If you get over it: Yay! But you'll hate him if he starts having feelings for you later on. If you keep at it: You might very well destroy the friendship, or succeed. It's a gamble I wouldn't dare to make without facts.

Theory 4: Random other situation I haven't thought of.
Possible Course of Action: PM me with more facts and I'll do my best to help you.

I hope this was useful! :)

[Happydayz]

It sounds like he's attracted and interested. But you caught him off guard when you told him you liked him and he panicked. His response was basically a defense mechanism to buy him some time to think it through. Sounds like he's finished thinking . . .

rather than get into details, let me just say that I did exactly this once and man, was that ever a mistake.

Personally, I'm uncomfortable with the prevalent notion on these boards that INTJ's can by typecast into certain behaviors or that your personality profile could be used to great predictive powers. BUT, that said, if it was me here, (an INTJ) I would never ever ever do something like rest my head on someone's shoulder or chest unless I was already interested in them.

[Charlie Mc.]

Not all NT's are uncomfortable being affectionate. Personally I find physical affection quite easy to express. In fact it is the one type of affection that I have no trouble expressing. However that doesn't always indicate a romantic interest. He may be trying to communicate affection for you as a friend and that he values his relationship with you without having to say it. Sometimes actions are much easier than words. Unfortunately they are much easier to misinterpret.

[OneBadMother]

Hmm, very true, though I've never seen him much around family or other female friends so I can't quite say for sure. At the very least, it probably means at the very least that he values me pretty well as a friend, which is a good thing.

[The Rose]

Not all NT's are uncomfortable being affectionate. Personally I find physical affection quite easy to express. In fact it is the one type of affection that I have no trouble expressing. However that doesn't always indicate a romantic interest. He may be trying to communicate affection for you as a friend and that he values his relationship with you without having to say it. Sometimes actions are much easier than words. Unfortunately they are much easier to misinterpret.I agree.

It may be best to come right out and ask him to explain what he's thinking.

[deicruxified]

Do you often do these things with your close friends?
yes regardless of gender. better ask him for further clarifications so as not to cloud your mind. i do get misinterpreted a lot of times by many people when i become "physical" with my guy friends because they are also "physical" with me as well.

[deicruxified]

Sometimes actions are much easier than words. Unfortunately they are much easier to misinterpret.
well said

[Theoden]

On the whole, Head->Shoulder incorporates as much subtlety as a barrage of fireworks spelling out "I LOVE YOU" in xenon-flavoured blue against a pitch black sky. But maybe that's just me.

In fact, if he lets you anywhere even CLOSE to the 1ft radius, you're doing pretty well.