intj-enfj relationship

[rjr]

Hey everyone,
I was in a relationship with an ENFJ for a little over two years, and things kind of fell apart. We are both still attracted to each other yet this pairing is obviously not the easiest to maintain. I've read a little on the Semi-Duality type of relationship and it seems to fit pretty well. I think our biggest conflict is understanding each others T vs. F sides. Any tips on maintaining this INTJ-ENFJ relationship, or any Semi-Duality relationship for that matter?

[DeafEars]

the smarter person should always make the necessary adjustments to make the relationship work.

[Parallel]

I'm in love with an ENFJ right now (things are not good between us right now. At all.) but I think the INTJ/ENFJ relationship dynamic is pretty ideal if both people really like each other and I do find what you say is true...trying to understand each other's F's and T's is something that you need to work pretty hard to overcome otherwise it'll just turn sour (ENFJ boy couldn't understand my unintentional coldness and sometimes interpreted my behavior as "mean" when I was just merely stating something that I didn't think would hurt his feelings). You probably should stop looking at it through socionics and just figure out what she needs as an individual, not as a type.

[rjr]

I am pretty new to the MBTI types and socionics, is there a big difference between the two? Also I agree with you Parallel, I think needs should be addressed personally not necessarily strictly by type.

[Alienated]

i'm in a relationship with an ENFJ.... its a rather good match.... she's fallen head over heels in love with me because she knows i can be a gentleman especially when it comes to intimacy which is what she needs because she's a 'romantic idealist' after all i.e. sees intimacy with a spiritual awareness like it either has to be meaningful as a sign of love or not done just for fun...

INTJ = cold and emotionless, chooses to love from the head

ENFJ = warm and emotional, falls in love from the heart

She has a conflict between emotion and logic. For example, she wants sex, its her drive, but she wants it to be 'special' i.e. spiritually significant.

All i have to do to keep this relationship healthy is remind her often how much i love her even if, for me as an INTJ its a rational and calculated choice.

The best thing in my view about the INTJ-ENFJ relationship is that we both seem enlightened when it comes to sex i.e. serious love making not casual sex. The ENFJ puts a lot of effort into making the relationship work and the INTJ enjoys the fact that someone actually invests in him which fuels him to invest back.

Reference to Socionics and 'semi-dual' relations. Essentially its almost perfect except she needs to be reminded often that he does in fact love her because she has a natural complex and fear of not being loved.

[Toria09]

Hello everyone!

Okay so I have read both sides of the arguement about whether or not an INTJ/ENFJ relationship can last, but how do these views change when both individuals in the relationship are female? I am an intj female who has been dating an enfj female for about 2 years now. I am starting to see how much our different personality types have to do with the misunderstandings we have. I find that I have little patience for her lack of knowledge in certain areas that I feel like she should know and we often clash over my need to debate on almost every issue and her desire to just let things go. Is the intj in me just to stubborn to accept anything less than my definition of "perfection"? Are our differing personalities really going to be our down fall or is it me just over analyzing everything (as usual). I need a third party opinion....

[Benzebub]

the smarter person should always make the necessary adjustments to make the relationship work.

I disagree. Both parts should make the necessary adjustments. If only one has to adjust to the other the relationship is not a balanced one and can he unhealthy to both parts.

[d3molitionMayne]

I think that more than just a typology thing there's a chemistry thing going on. This is about the time where, no matter how much you like your partner, you become a bit desensitized to them and start to get wandering eyes.

You will never be able to emulate the bond you two have with someone else, but on the flipside, you guys won't be able to get back that newness with each other ever again. Now it's time to figure out how important that bond is and make some choices based on that.

Like any other long term plans, they require work and commitment. But few actually think of the work in a relationship as something deliberate, and instead, they just take it as something intuitive that naturally happens. If you want it to work, you are going to have to put in some deliberate preparation and action... not so coincidentally, about the same amount of deliberate work as it will take to find someone new.

[rm773]

i'm in a relationship with an ENFJ.... its a rather good match.... she's fallen head over heels in love with me because she knows i can be a gentleman especially when it comes to intimacy which is what she needs because she's a 'romantic idealist' after all i.e. sees intimacy with a spiritual awareness like it either has to be meaningful as a sign of love or not done just for fun...

INTJ = cold and emotionless, chooses to love from the head

ENFJ = warm and emotional, falls in love from the heart

She has a conflict between emotion and logic. For example, she wants sex, its her drive, but she wants it to be 'special' i.e. spiritually significant.

All i have to do to keep this relationship healthy is remind her often how much i love her even if, for me as an INTJ its a rational and calculated choice.

The best thing in my view about the INTJ-ENFJ relationship is that we both seem enlightened when it comes to sex i.e. serious love making not casual sex. The ENFJ puts a lot of effort into making the relationship work and the INTJ enjoys the fact that someone actually invests in him which fuels him to invest back.

Reference to Socionics and 'semi-dual' relations. Essentially its almost perfect except she needs to be reminded often that he does in fact love her because she has a natural complex and fear of not being loved.


Dude, I don't think you could have said this any better. I'm married to an ENFJ and it's a bloody battle between tender emotion vs. hard, cold reasoning. It drives me fucking crazy sometimes! And both of us seem to be willing to fight until near death on any type of issue that involves a struggle between these two personality qualities.

The amazing thing is that neither of us ever really communicate any real intentions of leaving the relationship, although this could be a bad thing. We both love each other very much, and we both know it. She simply doesn't understand that I'm a thinker by nature, and I can't understand why she needs to be so freakin' emotional.

The reality is that she is beginning to understand that I want control of more long-term goals and strategy, and then I'm slowly understanding that she simply needs more affection and actions of love before she considers even listening to me. When I show her love, she seems much more open to my INTJ logic and control.

Yes, sex can be good too!

[ManWithNoName]

Hello everyone!

Okay so I have read both sides of the arguement about whether or not an INTJ/ENFJ relationship can last, but how do these views change when both individuals in the relationship are female? I am an intj female who has been dating an enfj female for about 2 years now. I am starting to see how much our different personality types have to do with the misunderstandings we have. I find that I have little patience for her lack of knowledge in certain areas that I feel like she should know and we often clash over my need to debate on almost every issue and her desire to just let things go. Is the intj in me just to stubborn to accept anything less than my definition of "perfection"? Are our differing personalities really going to be our down fall or is it me just over analyzing everything (as usual). I need a third party opinion....

Any paring can work if the people involved are willing to work on the relationship and admit when they are wrong etc. Just learn to see that the way your ENFP see's the world isn't necessarily wrong but just different.

[YupItsMe]

Im an INTJ male married to an awesome ENFJ female. She is the most amazing pain in the ass I would never want to live without. I know how lucky I am to have her warmth, love, fun, loyalty, integrity and ability in my life. We fight to the death at times but its always principled purpose of getting it right.

She is the sunshine and absolutely people brilliant. She has taught me a lot about people. I admire her immensely. She knows to defer to me when a cold hard logical unemotional decision needs to be made.

Our marriage would be much better for both of us if I made more effort to let her know how much I love her. Despite my failing with that, the passion is astounding.

[introspective]

i'm in a relationship with an ENFJ.... its a rather good match.... she's fallen head over heels in love with me because she knows i can be a gentleman especially when it comes to intimacy which is what she needs because she's a 'romantic idealist' after all i.e. sees intimacy with a spiritual awareness like it either has to be meaningful as a sign of love or not done just for fun...

INTJ = cold and emotionless, chooses to love from the head

ENFJ = warm and emotional, falls in love from the heart

She has a conflict between emotion and logic. For example, she wants sex, its her drive, but she wants it to be 'special' i.e. spiritually significant.

All i have to do to keep this relationship healthy is remind her often how much i love her even if, for me as an INTJ its a rational and calculated choice.

The best thing in my view about the INTJ-ENFJ relationship is that we both seem enlightened when it comes to sex i.e. serious love making not casual sex. The ENFJ puts a lot of effort into making the relationship work and the INTJ enjoys the fact that someone actually invests in him which fuels him to invest back.

Reference to Socionics and 'semi-dual' relations. Essentially its almost perfect except she needs to be reminded often that he does in fact love her because she has a natural complex and fear of not being loved.


This is really dead on. I find it behooves me to constantly reaffirm my affection for my ENFJ fiancee. I make it a point to only say genuine things that I really mean, but I just make it a habit of saying them much more often than I would normally.

I definitely agree with the "semi duality." On one hand, she seems to enjoy plotting elaborate schemes to accomplish goals. These schemes often involve using people's emotions. On the other side, she can be very tender and warm and vulnerable. She invests heavily in the relationship and we go out of our way to support each other's dreams.