I think I'm a broken INTJ...

[spookyu]

This has been bugging me for a while, and I just stumbled across this interesting collection of INTJs so maybe I'll see what your thoughts are. I'm an INTJ, no doubt about it, I score that on every MBTI test, I think the way an INTJ thinks, I live the way an INTJ does, there is no doubt in my mind of the constructs in my head that cause me to think this way, I fit it all....almost. Is it possible for an INTJ to be something of a hopeless romantic, cause it seems that is what I am. I'm like an INTJ whore or something, hah. Somehow I keep getting wrapped up in really intense, but short lived relationships. I've actually lowered some of my barriers in some of these relationships, what the hell is that? The worst part is I'm actively seeking a relationship, one that will last and in which I can comfortably remove some barriers between that person and me, which is not very typical for an INTJ. I find it almost hilarious because I use some of my INTJ assets to aid me in this frivolous pursuit. For example, I'm told I'm fairly adept in the sack (not a boastful comment, mind you), but it is because this is something that servers a purpose to me, and you know when an INTJ WANTS to be good at something, they WILL be...hence my expertise in sensuality. Haha, does this make sense to anyone? I swear I'm like the broken INTJ, hahaha. Obviously this is an open invitation to pick my brain, as I'm curious what is going on here, and am unable to get to the root of the problem without some outside input.

[qwerty]

hi Spooky,

Sounds like you're looking for the perfect relationship maybe? Just because you have a certain personality doesn't mean you are going to be just like every single person with that personality and is there anything wrong with wanting to be with someone else? Likewise is there anything wrong with enjoying sex?

It is a concern that you are looking to open up. Couple that with lots of short-term relationships my question would be what are you looking for (emotionally)? What makes these affairs shortterm?

[spookyu]

Yeah, I suppose at its root that is all, looking for a perfect relationship. What makes them all short lived is that I'm a senior in High School. I consider myself fairly mature, and am consistently mistaken for someone in their mid 20's, so you pair that with the fact that most teenage girls...well, yeah I think I just pointed the whole thing out right there "TEENAGE GIRLS". I suppose the only thing I'm looking for is someone who WILL stick with me, as I feel I'm ready for a more real, more mature, more long term relationship.

[The Rose]

This has been bugging me for a while, and I just stumbled across this interesting collection of INTJs so maybe I'll see what your thoughts are. I'm an INTJ, no doubt about it, I score that on every MBTI test, I think the way an INTJ thinks, I live the way an INTJ does, there is no doubt in my mind of the constructs in my head that cause me to think this way, I fit it all....almost. Is it possible for an INTJ to be something of a hopeless romantic, cause it seems that is what I am.
It's possible that what you describe does not issue from the fact that you are an intj, but from some other part of your emotional make-up.
I'm like an INTJ whore or something, hah. Somehow I keep getting wrapped up in really intense, but short lived relationships. I've actually lowered some of my barriers in some of these relationships, what the hell is that?I used to do that too. I was the one who was intense about it. They would last about 3 months at the most. You are supposed to lower your barriers. That's what relationships are about. You should aim at eventually being transparent with everyone, with nothing to hide.
The worst part is I'm actively seeking a relationship, one that will last and in which I can comfortably remove some barriers between that person and me, which is not very typical for an INTJ.I don't know how typical it is or not. I am an INTJ/INFJ. From the time I was 14, I had a goal of finding the man of my dreams and marrying him. I just wanted one person to share life with. Thankfully, I found him when I was 21.
I find it almost hilarious because I use some of my INTJ assets to aid me in this frivolous pursuit. For example, I'm told I'm fairly adept in the sack (not a boastful comment, mind you), but it is because this is something that servers a purpose to me, and you know when an INTJ WANTS to be good at something, they WILL be...hence my expertise in sensuality.I used to be expert at that also, but I felt like I was degrading myself in order to be loved. All I really wanted was someone to love me. If I could have had that without sex, I would have preferred it that way. I gave sex in exchange for what I really wanted - feeling loved.
Haha, does this make sense to anyone? I swear I'm like the broken INTJ, hahaha. Obviously this is an open invitation to pick my brain, as I'm curious what is going on here, and am unable to get to the root of the problem without some outside input.What is your problem exactly?

[spookyu]

No problem exactly, was just curious on what people's thoughts were about this. Well, its more that I was with a girl last night, a rather perfect INFP, and I fear this may have caused some problems. I was reading her body language, and just getting all the right signals that she wanted to fool around, sooooo, that's what happened. After the fact she was saying she thought we might have rushed a bit into things. Obviously this caused me some distress, I am NOT looking to mess this one up as I can see she is one that would certainly help break me of this. I also felt REALLY bad after the fact because, well I'm a "nice guy" (hence, me finishing last a lot of the time, haha), and that is very out of character for me.

I know rushing kind of stems from the short lived relationship thing, as I feel as though I need to cram it all into a short period of time lest I be dumped. I know i can break out of that train of thought though, I just need to work at it a bit first.

[Rei]

Confession time

I'm a hopeless romantic. Though I score pretty high as a T in every tests I've done. I don't think it has anything to do with emotions (or anything INTJ), I think it's actually a thinker's thing as hopeless romantics are people with perfectionist romantic IDEAS... seems at least TJ enough for me :blank:

[The Many]

I'm right there with you. I don't mind being a romantic... except, I'm probably quite shut into myself these days though after falling in love with an ESTP (who left after two weeks, of course). You're better off avoiding them like the plague; I've become much colder when it comes to that kind of thing since then, in fact I haven't really met one girl I have been particularly interested in since then.

[spookyu]

I'm right there with you. I don't mind being a romantic... except, I'm probably quite shut into myself these days though after falling in love with an ESTP (who left after two weeks, of course). You're better off avoiding them like the plague; I've become much colder when it comes to that kind of thing since then, in fact I haven't really met one girl I have been particularly interested in since then.

Same thing happened to me, I suppose its why I'm in the position I am now. I managed to keep my ESTP for a whole two months, then she went freaking haywire. I'm just getting over it all now I suppose with this new girl.

The hopeless romantic thing is very strange though, how it seems to shine through with the more intellectual types in general. Wouldn't you say its just another easy "idea" for an INTJ to assimilate? Its one of those things that is easily translated into words, because there are almost set rules for being romantic, so its one of the best forums for an INTJ to actually exhibit something from the inside if they so choose to. More or less the path of least resistance for the INTJ in matters of love and emotions, and being the supreme pragmatic that makes sense.

[Gabrielle]

Have you ever sat down and carefully thought about what you NEED in your relationship? Yeah, I wanted a Prince CHarming who'd drive me everywhere, hold my hand, goes to Oxford and is a well-raised British boy, and sure enough I got one. Until he decided that college meant fun time and turned into a roguish womanizer. Things just went downhill from there.

I am currently getting into a relationship (sort of) with another male, and he is a complete opposite. No, he's not very educated. He works (he's 20, I'm 18, I'm in med school). The only part that the old me would have said yes to is his appearance.

And I can care less.

It's because I sat down (after getting out of bed post-depression of two weeks after break-up...) and thought about what I REALLY wanted in a relationship right now. Sure, I'd love a well-bred Eton boy as my husband, but I'm not even sure if I'll get married. So, what did I really want in a relationship?

The truth: I just wanted a guy who cared for me and made me laugh.

And this guy is just that.

There is no perfect relationship. My first relationship was PERFECT at first - it was so surreal it was almost a movie. But those relationships often just suddenly crash. And then it's a slippery slope, and it's working with gravity (for those physics nerds out there).

Just pinpoint exactly WHAT you want in your girlfriend/boyfriend. Even if the guy wasn't as good looking as he is (and I find him extremely attractive, SCORE!), I'd still like him, because he cares about me (I think...) and he makes me laugh. And there's no danger of him playing with me, because he has zero experience with females (from going to an all-boys school) and has absolutely no idea what to say. So when he does say something, it's sincere.

Being a romantic has nothing to do with being a thought-oriented individual. I write novels as my hobby (weird hobby... huh) and you have to carefully plan out a romantic scene in them. INTJ's tend to do that, but cast themselves as the main characters. That is very thought-oriented, but it is also very romantic, isn't it?

[PaulFrancis]

I swear I'm like the broken INTJ, hahaha.

If you are broken then so am I.

I am not sure that what you are doing is all that odd for an INTJ though, at least not for the ones that can pull it off.

[spookyu]

If you are broken then so am I.

I am not sure that what you are doing is all that odd for an INTJ though, at least not for the ones that can pull it off.

Yeah, you bring up a good point. At the risk of sounding superficial (which I am not fortunately), it could stem from a bit of physical appeal. I'd consider myself fairly attractive to a certain female demographic, I'm tall, lean, muscular, well dressed, etc. so it seems in true INTJ fashion the only reasonable thing to do is make use of such assets. Where an INTJ that may be lacking in such an area might know it would be frivolous to attempt. I guess that makes a lot of sense.

[Paul V]

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Which is why I was able to forsee my inminent heartbreak and not engage in any relationship that didn't fulfill my expectations (none yet). Looking at your case, I can very well say that could've been me, and it makes me feel a lot better about my decision. You could try to take a break from relationships to clear your mind and reevaluate your priorities.

[xanodel]

I don't think it's that weird. I mean, most of what we hear about love is that it's acceptance, and well, who doesn't want to be fully accepted for who they are? Here, we can freely insert the hopeless romantic label. And us little INTJs can at times, be as guilty as NFs when it comes to idealizing people; rather, we just idealize it to be endless sensibility, logic, and understanding and acceptance.

In that sense, then I'm also a hopeless romantic, because my rather cynical nature makes me really yearn for the one relationship which I won't be cynical about.

[spookyu]

Haha, yeah Paul, use me as a good example of what NOT to do, hahaha. But anyway, that is exactly what I did, I took a few months to kind of get back to thinking right and in a position where I could overcome this little series of mistakes. I seem to just be coming out of that now and starting anew with a pretty good choice as far as women come (yeah, selecting a bunch of wild extroverts to attempt to make a connection with is NOT the way to go, let me tell you). Opposites attract haha, yeah but not opposite personalities (in most cases). Xanodel, that relationship you won't be cynical about, don't worry it'll hit you upside the face as soon as you aren't looking for it, haha.

[Solaris]

I can probably class myself with the "hopeless romantic" bunch in here. I think part of it is that I only tend to notice emotions when they are huge (like Jupiter or the sun), and romance/love/lust etc all tend to fall under that heading. I, like all of you, have wanted to find my perfect relationship. I have sat down and listed out what I believe I need, and what things I would just like. I have had success and failure in relationships. I don't do flings, I tried once, and it just wasn't something I wanted. I want to connect with a man, not just have an empty relationship.

I think that, as often misunderstood personalities (INTJs in general, myself as a female ENTJ) that we are more focused on finding one person who will surely (please oh please oh please) understand us fully -- without the usual constant explanation about why we are a certain way. Since NTJs seem to be especially prone to this long-term thinking and planning, it's even less surprising that we would all be wanting to find the right long-term person, and less in the short-term. I wonder how much we overlook that way.. hhmm. Interesting idea.

[deicruxified]

it's a different realization on my part. way back in highschool, i made a checklist of "what my ideal guy should be like". then came college when i was exposed in public. i can't say i'm a heart throb but a lot of guys do approach. of course, with the t and j, i keep of screening and screening til i had only 2 remaining on line. then i got to pick one who is 90% perfect according to my list *screw me*. way back then, i have always wanted a guy who is older and is mature anough to understand me and who is LOYAL. i value loyalty first of all. well, this guy is 5 years older than i am (i was only 18), has got a stable job, "mature" (i thought at first) except for the excess baggage. we were together for 7 months and within those 7 months, there was a dangerous revelation - he was a control freak. a sick ass control freak... and like hurricanereno20, a "roguish womanizer". he took advantage of me being one to play his escapades and tells me i'm too young to understand mature affairs. there have been a lot of issues with both of us however, it has always been nice to have a good over-protective entj buds for my defense... they were furious because it's not that very simple bf-gf petty fights... it';s beyond that.. and all i can say is that he's the worst person i have ever met.

i have no idea where he is or what he is up to right now but i think i made the right decision of cutting off all communications with him. a realization on my part is, not all good wishes are perfect. i friend even told me that i dumped the best guy of all just for that sick asshole because of my "checklist". so i guess, my "hopeless romantic" line would be "come what may". i may not have found an older guy in the future but a younger one who transcends my maturity level... who knows...

[Solaris]

it's a different realization on my part. way back in highschool, i made a checklist of "what my ideal guy should be like". then came college when i was exposed in public. i can't say i'm a heart throb but a lot of guys do approach. of course, with the t and j, i keep of screening and screening til i had only 2 remaining on line. then i got to pick one who is 90% perfect according to my list *screw me*. way back then, i have always wanted a guy who is older and is mature anough to understand me and who is LOYAL. i value loyalty first of all. well, this guy is 5 years older than i am (i was only 18), has got a stable job, "mature" (i thought at first) except for the excess baggage. we were together for 7 months and within those 7 months, there was a dangerous revelation - he was a control freak. a sick ass control freak... and like hurricanereno20, a "roguish womanizer". he took advantage of me being one to play his escapades and tells me i'm too young to understand mature affairs. there have been a lot of issues with both of us however, it has always been nice to have a good over-protective entj buds for my defense... they were furious because it's not that very simple bf-gf petty fights... it';s beyond that.. and all i can say is that he's the worst person i have ever met.

i have no idea where he is or what he is up to right now but i think i made the right decision of cutting off all communications with him. a realization on my part is, not all good wishes are perfect. i friend even told me that i dumped the best guy of all just for that sick asshole because of my "checklist". so i guess, my "hopeless romantic" line would be "come what may". i may not have found an older guy in the future but a younger one who transcends my maturity level... who knows...

Well, I know somebody who meets all the important things on my checklist. However, there are surrounding circumstances which complicat the situation entirely....so the checklist just is frustrating in this case, because the "perfect for me" one is right in my face.

[L30]

You shouldn't expect any stability in people who are still in high school or college. Including yourself, how are you so sure that you're ready to commit? Most relationships starting in teenage and early twenties end because of various life adjustments, be it emotional evolution or changing projects. It's not wise to expect any real loyalty/commitment from someone until they have done their sexual experiences, until they have a real job, and until they have lived on their own for a while (read: out of dad's house).

[mind_wander]

Spookyu,

I am not expert,as you mentioned this female is NF type personality. As the opposite attract, based on the P side. As you commented, " I was reading her[INFP] body language, and just getting all the right signals that she wanted to fool around, sooooo, that's what happened. After the fact she was saying she thought we might have rushed a bit into things."

Well, for NF's its kinda easy for INTJ's to lower the defense shields because they opened up first. As, for the mixed signals is kinda the "P" side, they don't tend to hold still anyways. They are all over the place, as for the question I wanted to asked. Does she like you, for who you truely are? Take small steps, since your defensive shields are down, even your judgments can go all over the place[no fixed at one point].

The odd part, in most cases, INTJ compels others to come toward your directions. Its up to you to figured out this complex puzzle, which one clicks or does not?

INTJ's are the mysterious one's, unknown to the general public: full of knowledge, see complexities from chrono[Complex-Simplistic or Simplistic-Complex], Big Pictures Seekers[This is a very rare personality trait, most people does not have], sometimes wondering[the world revolve toward INTJ's], Maturity is moderate to high, very sarcastic, logical, etc.

I am listing this stuff, just to give you an idea its not really lost hope. Some of those listed personality characteristics, so many people wanted to achieve. Would like to hook up with an INTJ before even stepping into this mysterious domain of INTJ. How do you communicate with an INTJ[no emotions are shown]? Until, after the face-to-face interaction, then the IM's started spamming. The INTJ's would keep alot of emotions locked up in public, but later digest to figure things out, then start talking [kinda late].

In your case, your defense side is really low. No safety measure, so everything is not going slower, but faster. Ask yourself, the good self-reflecting questions?

Does this person, love me for who I am? If not, then why continue. You can tell her, that I plan not to continue, but can be friends[secondary point, so both sides does not get feelings in a tangle].

How long do you want this relationship to continue? You mentioned, about the short-term and long-term after effects.

If this is the ONE for you, what about the other possibilities with personalities who are truely compatible with you, which you never considered before?

I don't have all the answers, but this is just stuff I was thinking when I am writing this. The biggest mistake is when you missed out the variable when another personality is a perfect match, but didn't included it into your equation :( (Just leave your options opened, for other possibilities)

[yllmar]

I've read somewhere in my Keirsy book that INTJ's are closet romantics. I don't think it's unusual at all that all of us profess to be romantics. I'm one as well.

It's just how you handle day-to-day affairs that make us INTJ's.

[The Rose]

No problem exactly, was just curious on what people's thoughts were about this. Well, its more that I was with a girl last night, a rather perfect INFP, and I fear this may have caused some problems. I was reading her body language, and just getting all the right signals that she wanted to fool around, sooooo, that's what happened. After the fact she was saying she thought we might have rushed a bit into things. Obviously this caused me some distress, I am NOT looking to mess this one up as I can see she is one that would certainly help break me of this. I also felt REALLY bad after the fact because, well I'm a "nice guy" (hence, me finishing last a lot of the time, haha), and that is very out of character for me.

I know rushing kind of stems from the short lived relationship thing, as I feel as though I need to cram it all into a short period of time lest I be dumped. I know i can break out of that train of thought though, I just need to work at it a bit first.In order not to mess it up any further - if that's what you're trying to avoid - slow down and ask questions instead of reading body language. I have an INFP sister. My sister has told me that she likes to be held or snuggled. Maybe that's all your friend really wanted.

[The Many]

Same thing happened to me, I suppose its why I'm in the position I am now. I managed to keep my ESTP for a whole two months, then she went freaking haywire. I'm just getting over it all now I suppose with this new girl.

The hopeless romantic thing is very strange though, how it seems to shine through with the more intellectual types in general. Wouldn't you say its just another easy "idea" for an INTJ to assimilate? Its one of those things that is easily translated into words, because there are almost set rules for being romantic, so its one of the best forums for an INTJ to actually exhibit something from the inside if they so choose to. More or less the path of least resistance for the INTJ in matters of love and emotions, and being the supreme pragmatic that makes sense.

I replied to this yesterday, but then the forum broke down, so I'll have to write again.

So, as to what you said, it is not really a question of an easy idea, at least not in my case. I know I have always been a perfectionist - I suppose that comes with high intelligence, or at least with imagination; you imagine so much and want it all to come true - and well; gourmet food always tasted better to me than fast food, which is what most people liked, just as love always was way more interesting than casual sex. Strangely enough, many women seem attracted to me, but I have rebuked most of them due to various reasons.

There is truth in what someone wrote here though about acceptance. I was never one to be particularly open, just like everyone else here I assume, so it is and was really always a question of trust. To find that someone where there was no gaming, no fooling around, someone you'd actually be able to bond with. Not really finding someone you would be able to love, but someone who would be able to love you at the same time as you loved them.