View Full Version : Heavenly Humor
10-25-2007, 09:22 PM
An e-mail I got today :)
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering......
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate...
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
10-25-2007, 09:32 PM
Reminds of something Joseph Campbell said. "Computers are like the Old Testament God. All rules and no mercy"
10-25-2007, 09:41 PM
10-26-2007, 04:55 AM
;D that's a good one
It reminds me of the following:
An Engineer in Hell
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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10-26-2007, 06:44 AM
cielo market, thegnat; great jokes! ;D :thumbsup:
07-01-2008, 09:36 PM
Time for a resurrection. <-pun
Jesus Is Watching You!
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
One of my favs.
I love this one. ^^ (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.)
07-03-2008, 09:23 AM
[This one recently showed up in my inbox.]
I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday school admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry, and cloth the naked." I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty. A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"
So I reached out and touched, see here:To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
So I won't be in church Sunday because of my current state:To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
07-03-2008, 10:22 AM
Straight from House Of Leaves.
A monk at an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand. After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.
"If someone makes a mistake," he points out. "it would be impossible to detect. Even worse the error would countinue to be made.
A bit startled, the priest decides that he better check their latest effort against the orginal which is kept in a vault beneath the abbey. A place only he has access to.
Well two days, then three days pass without the priest resurfacing. Finally the new monk decides to see if the old guy's alright. When he gets down there though, he discovers the priest hunched over both newly copies and the ancient text. He is sobbing by the book and by the look of things has been sobbing for a long time.
"Father?" The monk whispers.
"OH lord Jesus," the priest wails. "The word is 'celebrate.'" ;)
07-03-2008, 10:51 AM
Jesus walks into a village and notices a crowd of people around a woman.
Jesus ask, "What's going on?"
The crowd responds, "She is a harlot, and we are going to stone her".
Now Jesus thinks to himself well I've done this before, so he starts to preach to the crowd and gets there attention, then he comes to his famous line, "Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone"
Now Jesus thinks thats that and looks up. A stone comes flying over the crowd and smashes into the harlots head, Jesus is dumbstruck. So he looks out and the crowd parts and he sees a woman standing there.
Jesus yells, "Oh come on Mom"
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