How to Advise an ESFP?

[Tea]

One of my best friends is an ESFP - shocking, I know.

Please help shed some light on how ESFPs think. I never understand how they don't listen to what advice others are giving them, and proceed with their own absolutely unfeasible plans. This leads me to endless frustration.

Here's an example:

ESFP: I'm going to go swimming - I need to lose weight !
me: Since when did swimming help you lose weight? Anyway, you don't need to lose weight.
ESFP: ...I'm going running !
me: I hope it rains, then. Look, since when did exercising ever help you lose weight???
ESFP: huh? (eyes become glazed and vacant)

Plus she exercises as a form of escapism from her "problems". It clearly doesn't help - she remains depressed even after exercising.
What is going on in her mind? Help, please.

[SShack]

... I'm not sure what's unfeasible about the plan "exercise to lose weight." Do you mean it's not helping her lose weight because she doesn't need to lose weight?

As for the depression, actually physical activity like exercise has been shown to help counteract some of the chemical causes of depression, but I imagine it do anything if you don't deal with the root source of the problem as well. Is that what you mean? Being an SF, she probably internalized the idea of "exercise can make you feel better" that she may have encountered or read elsewhere, but is only operating on a partial understanding.

So I wouldn't discourage her from exercising. That's not really a problem (unless it becomes a compulsion). The bigger issue is what is leading to the depression.

[Tea]

What I mean is that her exercising doesn't lead to weight loss. Else she'd be skinny months ago. Hence, the " since when".

Not really...she gets depressed again once the activity stops. Being S she probably engages in stuff to prevent her mind from going into overtime.

Her problems would be her relationship issues, I think. Boyfriends or friends.
It gets repetitive.

[VendettaNZ]

One of my best friends is also an ESFP, I so dont get her and she definetly doesnt get 90% of my humor so I just dumb it down a bit. Bascially since the ESFP has so many friends it probably up to you to try to be friends with her, my experience with ESFPs is that they pick up and drop friends like theres no tomorrow. I find if I relax a bit and think less its easier to spend time with her.

[volk]

Let her believe whatever makes her happy. Tell her to go dancing (by that I primarily mean real dancing such as swing). Who cares if it helps her or not, I'm sure it will be very interesting for her since she will be meeting new people and doing some exercising.

[mayumi]

My bestfriend is ESFP too!!!...We've been friends since childhood, she's fun. Now that we're adults, I still love her but we don't spend as much time together as we used to.

The correct response to the above conversation is: "Honey, you are so much sexier than me already, don't exercise anymore." It appeals to her ego/self esteem, and makes you look like a good friend while insidiously pushing your point.

Also, it's harmless if she just wants to go run. So why bother arguing? :). ESFPs can't sit around all day watching TV or just reading. It stresses them out.

[ElstonGunn]

When it comes to ESFPs, the important thing to rememb-- hey look, a dog!

I agree with the idea that it's not up to you to tell her what she should be doing. It's not your job to solve all of her problems in a neat and logical way. If she wants to run around or swim, at least it'll get her out of the way for a while. If it bothers you to hear her talk about her repetitive problems, then quit talking to her.

[Brilliance]

When it comes to ESFPs, the important thing to rememb-- hey look, a dog!

I hate it when that happens... To often..

One of my closest friends is an ESFP, although I don't talk to him nearly as much as I did in the past. Been almost a year by now I'd think (In person).

I would suggest you let her do her thing.. You have to understand they won't listen to your advice, atleast not the way it was intended to be interpreted. They are simpletons and make a LOT of bad choices, all you can do is sit and say "I told you so" and HOPE they get the message this time.

[Tea]

I hate it when that happens... To often..

One of my closest friends is an ESFP, although I don't talk to him nearly as much as I did in the past. Been almost a year by now I'd think (In person).

I would suggest you let her do her thing.. You have to understand they won't listen to your advice, atleast not the way it was intended to be interpreted. They are simpletons and make a LOT of bad choices, all you can do is sit and say "I told you so" and HOPE they get the message this time.

Yes, I know, I know...but it's so hard to just do nothing when they're headed for a train-wreck. Oh well.
The " I told you so" really is my line, only that I say it as " Didn't I tell you that an hour ago" when she eventually gets round to sorting it out.
They really are simpletons...I'm glad I'm INTJ.
Lucky us (:





iamWongtheGreat added to this post, 10 minutes and 50 seconds later...

My bestfriend is ESFP too!!!...We've been friends since childhood, she's fun. Now that we're adults, I still love her but we don't spend as much time together as we used to.

The correct response to the above conversation is: "Honey, you are so much sexier than me already, don't exercise anymore." It appeals to her ego/self esteem, and makes you look like a good friend while insidiously pushing your point.

Also, it's harmless if she just wants to go run. So why bother arguing? :). ESFPs can't sit around all day watching TV or just reading. It stresses them out.

I've known my ESFP for 10 years and counting; more than half of my life.
Yeah, they ARE fun. Loads of it in fact, and she seems to bring me out of my fortress more...Okay, I just realised I'm an ESFP attractor. They buzz around me like flies to honey.

Hmmm...because she knows me so well, she'd know that I'd be lying. I don't say such nice and untrue things to her. Usually I say something cruel along the lines of "that's right, you tub of lard, go for it. You really could use some exercise. Did I say "some" - I meant a lot" Which then earns me a smack or loads of them.

All right - I'll let her go exercise.
Oh, I forgot to mention that most of it is motivated by people in her school telling her she's fat. The thing is, she isn't. She just has big bones, which she didn't realise until I told her too.
Sidetrack : What do ESFPs see when they look in the mirror?

[elsdfr]

If you say ESFPs are simpletons then you might as well say all INTJs are social retards. tick

To get the Fi out of an ESFP you just need to tell them that you don't care what they think or say "just tell me" and I'll deal with it. I think this can be a huge weight off their shoulders. Beware though its a serious mindfield of god knows what.

Being brutally honest with them might attract them but comments on their look and behaviour can really cut deep.

And what do they see in the mirror? I have no idea... but damn they spend an eternity infront of it so it must be something! ;)

Also you said they don't take the advice their friends give them. I found they do on the surface but really they just gather their information that way. In the end you can't base them on this because as you say they will just do what ever they want in the end. They really are quite "free" when you think about it.

[Brilliance]

If you say ESFPs are simpletons then you might as well say all INTJs are social retards.

I would agree with the social retard thing. Of course it is not true for all INTJ's, as ESFP's are not all simpletons.

Also you said they don't take the advice their friends give them. I found they do on the surface but really they just gather their information that way. In the end you can't base them on this because as you say they will just do what ever they want in the end. They really are quite "free" when you think about it.

Very free indeed. It's actually kind of something to envy.. Well, only in the sense that they are our opposite.. So they will always have 'something' we can never really achieve at that level - and vice-versa.

However, on the other side of the coin I have known three different ESFP's deciding to leave home at early ages without any idea where they are going or how to cope. When I left my parents home I had a plan of exactly where I was going, what I was doing and for how long - Back ups, and whatnot.

As an example, One ESFP left home at 15 and went to a 'friends'.. How long did he plan on staying there? Where's his job? What about school? What about food? Rent? The future?

Didn't even hit them until it was already done.. That put there life in turmoil for the next few years to say the least..
So yeah, In that scenario - Simpleton would sum it up nicely.

As for the social retard, depends how one perceives the person - Everyone's perception is different, thus social retard may be seen in societal terms, but not to yourself or your group of people you converse with.

[elsdfr]

Nah I know I'm a social retard most of the time so therefore all INTJs are :p ... I don't greet people correctly, I leave without saying goodbye and my idea of a conversation is an argument or debate. Although I do have my good days.

Part of me wants to admit the ESFP I know is a flake... are they all? I don't know of any confirmed male ones in my life so I can't compare... but, but, I just can't break her hearT! I could continue to help and guide her around as I think without that I couldn't cope. I think thats the problem they listen to everything people say, they get all pent up about it and their final solution is just usually the biggest DOH moment. The problem is I think I'm addicted to whole WHOPTIDO!

[Kisai]

Your friend wants you to do these activities with her. She sees you as a stronger person and will help her actually do those activities.