Confidence

[sunitaishot]

Everybody says it's key in dating.

But how do you define it? To me, it's via body language, mannerisms, and even speech. People say continually are self-deprecating IMO are not confident.

I read some PUA stuff occasionally, and whilst IMO a lot of it is just pseudo-psychology, teaching men how to do confident is one of its strengths.

[Tinpusher]

Confidence is a preference for the habitual voyeur of what is known as...

But confidence is simply being sure of yourself, not worrying about failure, and being happy to talk about things. If you clam up, confidence is being able to sorry "sorry, don't really know enough about that to talk, but I can tell you loads about X!" If you say this in a jovial manner, it usually goes down a treat.

Continually self-deprecating is not a good thing at all, unless it is part of an act, because it makes other people 'see' you as a loser. If you're trying to woo that person, then think. Would you want to hang with a loser? Would they?

[superflax]

It depends on the functions the user has though, it could be TiFe or FeTi or TeFi or FiTe.
For TiFe confidence is precision of speech and lots of knowledge.
For FeTi confidence is in body language/mannerism, that's what they're hypersensitive to.
For TeFi confidence is in consistent action and always having a practical answer to a problem.
For FiTe confidence is in expression of emotions through whatever creative medium they like be it speech, song etc. The most romantic of function pairs I think.

So yeah, depends on the person you're going for.

[AnaK]

I sometimes think only insecure people think confidence is a priority in their mate. I guess they are hoping it might be catchy.

[cizzo]

Confidence is belief in yourself and being happy with who you are which in turn will impact how you communicate to others.
Hell I've tried being confident for years, that skill has evaded me my whole life and I've kinda given up. I guess I'm here to make others look good, not EVERYONE can be confident, otherwise how could you tell the difference.
But I won't go down easily. Not without some bitterness, sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness firing on all cylinders!

[astrolite]

Outcome independent. You don't get hung up and you keep moving forward. You have very little drag.

[Zsych]

I think confidence in different situations varies a lot by type and what kind of work you do.

For intelligent people, IMO one way to be more confident is to actually think through common life issues until you are sure of your answers and stances on issues.

[Megalomania]

Too often the confidence people find appealing is the confidence that is the virtue of the idiot.

[Boreal]

I feel like confidence is something which manifests itself in so many ways (stance, stride, word choice, attitude, expression, posture, statements, beliefs, actions taken) that it can't be faked. Certainly not easily. It's the physical manifestation of self-efficacy. So, just be... in control, but not controlling. Feel that way.

Confidence isn't associated with idiocy unless you're being confident when you shouldn't be. Then you look stupid.

[Collide]

I think that if you're trying to fake confidence then you're going about it the wrong way. Confidence is about knowing who you are and being secure with that. Everything else like posture is just how confidence manifests itself.

[zibber]

Everybody says it's key in dating.

But how do you define it? To me, it's via body language, mannerisms, and even speech. People say continually are self-deprecating IMO are not confident.

I read some PUA stuff occasionally, and whilst IMO a lot of it is just pseudo-psychology, teaching men how to do confident is one of its strengths.

Do or be?

[Tactical Panda]

Shy girls are cute.

Shy girls who are shy to the point of not having anything interesting to say or contribute are a bit one dimensional relationship wise.

Be confident enough to function and let your good points show across, even if you are shy. Don't let confidence be a weak point, even if its not a strength.

[ppu6502]

I don't know... I guess.. I mean, I'm not sure but... maybe .. it's probably bad.. I dunno, but maybe, having confidence is bad... it could be. I'm not 100% sure, it's hard to tell.

[Causa Mortis]

Everybody says it's key in dating.

But how do you define it? To me, it's via body language, mannerisms, and even speech. People say continually are self-deprecating IMO are not confident.

I read some PUA stuff occasionally, and whilst IMO a lot of it is just pseudo-psychology, teaching men how to do confident is one of its strengths.

In regards to sexual attraction, the key is to he more invested in your own opinion of yourself than in the opinions of others. This sets up outcome independence and a host of other good stuff.

In regards to confidence generally, I think it comes with having your life together and from doing the things which bring you closer to your goals and being good to yourself and others.

[Autumnleaf]

Confidence is looking like you know what you are doing and that spending time with you would probably be more exciting than staying home.

[SeverusSin]

Confidence is unquantifiable. You just know when you've got it. In some areas I've got it strongly, in other areas no so much. An overall confidence would mean in general, a distinct lack of fear. Still, I don't think I've quite hit the nail on the head here...

[NeverPhased]

I read some PUA stuff occasionally, and whilst IMO a lot of it is just pseudo-psychology, teaching men how to do confident is one of its strengths.

I definitely agree. I think the basic PUA techniques are focused on gaining a mans confidence through overcoming approach anxiety, developing good body language, leading at all times, and recognizing signs of interest. These are beneficial to all forms of relationships (business, friendship etc.)

[AnnaMolly]

I definitely agree. I think the basic PUA techniques are focused on gaining a mans confidence through overcoming approach anxiety, developing good body language, leading at all times, and recognizing signs of interest. These are beneficial to all forms of relationships (business, friendship etc.)


Really? You think one person "leading at all times" is beneficial to romantic relationships, and even friendships?



@ topic: I think confidence is one of the most overrated attributes, especially when it comes to dating. Although the term obviously needs to be defined more strictly to make definite statements about it.

I don't often hear men putting an emphasis on confidence when it comes to describing their ideal partner, or women they're attracted to. Sure, some like it, but most could take it or leave it, it seems, and some actually equate confidence with "dominating bitchiness" and would rather have a cute shy submissive woman.

Whereas when women are asked to list the top attributes they're looking for in a man, "confidence" seems to be pretty much the one attribute most would agree on.

This gender disparity strikes me as rather odd (I'll probably start a poll sometime to "investigate" further).

[curiousgeorge01]

I hate that word. Every time a girl uses it I imagine this guy with a puffed up chest with his head tilted upward. It's a terrible word.

[NeverPhased]

Really? You think one person "leading at all times" is beneficial to romantic relationships, and even friendships?



No, jumped the gun a bit there was referring only to initial attraction for the "leading at all times", but I'm sure others knew what I meant, thanks for pointing it out :)

[AnnaMolly]

No, jumped the gun a bit there was referring only to initial attraction for the "leading at all times", but I'm sure others knew what I meant, thanks for pointing it out :)


Okay ;) but then I still have to ask why you think it's beneficial for initial attraction if one person is leading at all times? Also, I assume you're implying that this role should always be taken by the man?

[NeverPhased]

Okay ;) but then I still have to ask why you think it's beneficial for initial attraction if one person is leading at all times? Also, I assume you're implying that this role should always be taken by the man?

Because in general women like to be led. A man that leads is a confident man that knows what he wants and women find that attractive, I'm sure the reverse is also true. Maybe you're taking my words too literally with "at all times" but it's just a mind set a man should have to be more attractive to a girl.

Not leading shows weakness which is less attractive. (i.e where would you like to go later? Is it ok if I hold your hand? I'm just wondering if I can have your number? Rather than. "Hey I think you're very interesting, I'd like to get to know you, give me your number and we'll go for a coffee sometime."

[AnnaMolly]

Because in general women like to be led. A man that leads is a confident man that knows what he wants and women find that attractive, I'm sure the reverse is also true. Maybe you're taking my words too literally with "at all times" but it's just a mind set a man should have to be more attractive to a girl.


You mean it's just as attractive to a guy if a woman leads all the time?
If that's true, then what happens if both want to be as attractive as possible, and both want to lead all the time?



Not leading shows weakness which is less attractive. (i.e where would you like to go later? Is it ok if I hold your hand? I'm just wondering if I can have your number? Rather than. "Hey I think you're very interesting, I'd like to get to know you, give me your number and we'll go for a coffee sometime."


I'd find the former a lot more attractive. It indicates shyness, sensitivity and a bit of inexperience, 3 attributes I find very attractive in a guy. Whereas the latter shows the opposite, which is a turn-off.
Just saying this to point out that there is no "right way" that's gonna be successful at all times.

[NeverPhased]

You mean it's just as attractive to a guy if a woman leads all the time?
If that's true, then what happens if both want to be as attractive as possible, and both want to lead all the time?



No!!! I'm not saying that! I simply said "I'm sure it's true in reverse. Not "It is". I don't mean to be picky just you are being picky! To me, as a man, I would consider a girl that knows what she wants in life and pursues these goals, to be quite attractive. Maybe I was stupid to assume most men would feel the same. I don't know I've never conducted a survey.

It's ok for both to want to lead all the time, simply if a man displays a will/want to led then that is sufficient.

I'd find the former a lot more attractive. It indicates shyness, sensitivity and a bit of inexperience, 3 attributes I find very attractive in a guy. Whereas the latter shows the opposite, which is a turn-off.
Just saying this to point out that there is no "right way" that's gonna be successful at all times.


I completely agree, there are different women with different tastes/desires. Hence there can NEVER be a perfect strategy to attraction, if there was we'd be all hooked up. But If a man wants to increase his chances with the general population they have a better chance this way.

[SeverusSin]

I'm not sure if I'm making a redundant point here AnnaMolly, but I think confidence built up on the inside but expressed externally and expressed differently by men and women. So an easy way to pinpoint a characteristic in confidence when displayed by a man are in ways such as taking control and leadership (which PUA techniques may be useful for), which I think NeverPhased was pointing out. I also infer that the ways in which confidence is expressed is distinctly differently by women generally. I may be wrong but that's my interpretation.

Also, this tends to lend meaning to what is called an "Alpha Female". I questioned the definition of this as I didn't understand it but maybe the two are linked, the way their confidence is displayed. Not sure how solid this point is but it may be more to do with masculine and feminine confidence, which are obviously different expressions of confidence itself. Just a little two cents.

[Polymath20]

Confidence is: When your self-image (ego) matches reality, and you are both proud and humble in regards to your abilities and limitations.

[Chronos]

I think that if you're trying to fake confidence then you're going about it the wrong way. Confidence is about knowing who you are and being secure with that. Everything else like posture is just how confidence manifests itself.

True - confidence, or the appearance of confidence, is not some goal that can be sought independently of everything else. And body language plays by its own subconscious rules; although you can consciously work on improving it, it's much more efficient to work on your conscious attitudes and feelings and allow that to be reflected automatically in your body language and other nonverbal communication. For instance, if you're happy you're just happy. You're not worrying about how to best conveying this fact to other people; it just happens. At least that's how it usually goes. The same goes for confidence. Work on improving yourself in whatever way you deem appropriate and accepting yourself as you are, and the rest follows from there.

[Ender]

Confidence is being able to stand up for yourself when no one in a room agrees with you.

Wisdom is being able to back down when you are proven wrong.


Confidence is holding your head high because you respect yourself, not to prove a point.

Wisdom is bowing your head when holding it high will place you in danger.


Confidence is believing what you want to believe.

Wisdom is believing what makes you happy.

[passenger]

But how do you define it? To me, it's via body language, mannerisms, and even speech. People say continually are self-deprecating IMO are not confident.

It's all in the mind. Body language and speech are just the expression of your mind.

[psychosylocibin]

I suffice it it to say that it is not exactly confidance that women and maybe men want, that implies that you should say what you want to say, do what you want to do, and be what you want to be in a strong convicting manner.

I agree, but I think it is deeper than that, It comes down to the fact that we want people to be honest and REAL. It represents are true selves, there is no hidden agenda and sugar coating, and we are upright with our desires and wants. brutal honesty.

as humans we are afraid of letting other humans, esp the opposite sex to know a few "dark intentions" or taboo intentions we might have but we are all human and we all have those intentions. So whats wrong with admitting it and being honest?

[ojammer]

Confidence has been over-blown by the social/media world, in a sense of "acting or being" something that we are truly are not. If more people were just true to themselves and other the world would be a more upfront place.

[Nonsuch]

Confidence is: When your self-image (ego) matches reality, and you are both proud and humble in regards to your abilities and limitations.

You mean to say that you truly have never met a confident person who had no clue what they were talking about ?

Sometimes the self-image is seriously out-of-sync with reality.