Is this INTJ intersted in dating me?

[cprogess]

Hi everyone. I've really enjoyed reading this forum and i'm hoping to get some of the same great advice from you all that you've given on other strings. I am an ISxJ and I work with an INTJ that I've been attracted to for 5 years now but never did anything about it because I thought he seemed pretty aloof and uninterested...maybe he subscribed to the "don't dip your pen in the company ink" mentality which I share to some degree. I am very nervous about dating people I work with because of the potential for a bad break-up to cause problems at work (this has happened to me before at my current job and I don't want to repeat the situation). However lately I've talked to the INTJ in the hall and in his office several times over the past several weeks and we hit it off really well. We seem to be able to talk for hours about all sorts of subjects and have a lot in common. Recently we've been emailing each other in a very plutonic way. The other day he asked if I would be interested in grabbing a drink with him and his friends after work. I of course said yes and had a great time. I'm more intrigued, and more attracted to him, than ever now but our conversations and emails haven't gotten past the friendly banter. I realize that I am not the best at flirting or being touchy-feely and can seem a little subdued in that sense to people and I know that I was definitely cautious of giving off anything but the friendly coworker vibe to him because of my uncertainty surrounding dating people at work. So I definitely haven't been upfront with him about my attraction at all, which after reading this forum I've realized is something that I need to do with an INTJ. Do you think he's interested in dating me or do you think he sees us as friendly coworkers?

[Elfrun]

5 years, wow! Anyway talking to you for hours and inviting you out sounds rather positive.

Don't know how many times this needs to be said;

For all the non INTJs out there who want to know the best way to tell if an INTJ is scamming on you here it is... Be direct and ask them! As long as it’s not overly emotional or forceful we won’t be scared off. Flirting can be missed, interest can my mistaken, slap us in the fact with directness. G’luck cprogress ;)

[moon]

If INTJ ask you to go out be sure that he likes you.
I see you like him and it's good that you have private and personal conversation via e-mail and other, that's huge advantage for you. He suerly knows what he wants with you, and let guess INTJs are not so friendly:), so he likely has dating interest with you. Good luck and don't be so shy you two:shy:

[blueback]

Unless he's just interested in sex he's going to want to see that you value who he is, rather than who you want him to be. If you're sure he's an INTJ I suggest you throw out little comments like "I love the way you never stop thinking" or "You said X a while ago and I didn't think it made sense but now that you've said Y I get it." As INTJs we value logic and emperical evidence, which means we also value people who value the same thing. We don't care much about our own emotions so we probably won't care about anyone else's.

The MBTI would say that we care about the relationships between things more than the things themselves, which is why we think a lot. It takes longer to figure out relationships than to just notice what is. If you talk about what is, instead of what is related, we will probably zone out.

Anywho, have fun!

[SmartOne]

My opinion is that yes he is interested. He perhaps just needs a nudge. Get to know what makes him tick and just as importantly let him get to know you. Just remember that being direct and not fluffing around is the way to go about it, don't be offended by him being direct with you.
Have fun and plan your moves.

[Tigress]

Not to be a Debbie Downer, but we can share ourselves with others even if we aren't romantically intersted as long as we respect the person's intellect.
So I guess that proves and disproves nothing, but it is encouraging.
On the bright side, once we reach out emotionally to another, it is likely the potential for a romantic relationship is there. If you choose to pursue it, you can certainly steer things in that favorable direction.
As my cohorts have stated, we certainly favor approaching a relationship from an intellectual side. If he sees you can be witty, observent and use logic to figure things out we can respect you. I think that respect is a good sign of a positive INTJ relationship.
As far as bringing things from plutonic to romantic, return the favor and invite him out. Try a cozy cafe where you can get comfortable and talk about ideas.

[ScurvyRose]

I would hate to assume, and as I am very jaded with the male status in association with their interest (ie married but wants to hook up). Is he single?? You do not say anywhere. And if he is, what do you know of his history in dating? Recently divorced? Also talks to the receptionist? You have "known" the guy for 5 years, where is he coming from?

[cncracer]

Hi everyone. I've really enjoyed reading this forum and i'm hoping to get some of the same great advice from you all that you've given on other strings. I am an ISxJ and I work with an INTJ that I've been attracted to for 5 years now but never did anything about it because I thought he seemed pretty aloof and uninterested...maybe he subscribed to the "don't dip your pen in the company ink" mentality which I share to some degree. I am very nervous about dating people I work with because of the potential for a bad break-up to cause problems at work (this has happened to me before at my current job and I don't want to repeat the situation). However lately I've talked to the INTJ in the hall and in his office several times over the past several weeks and we hit it off really well. We seem to be able to talk for hours about all sorts of subjects and have a lot in common. Recently we've been emailing each other in a very plutonic way. The other day he asked if I would be interested in grabbing a drink with him and his friends after work. I of course said yes and had a great time. I'm more intrigued, and more attracted to him, than ever now but our conversations and emails haven't gotten past the friendly banter. I realize that I am not the best at flirting or being touchy-feely and can seem a little subdued in that sense to people and I know that I was definitely cautious of giving off anything but the friendly coworker vibe to him because of my uncertainty surrounding dating people at work. So I definitely haven't been upfront with him about my attraction at all, which after reading this forum I've realized is something that I need to do with an INTJ. Do you think he's interested in dating me or do you think he sees us as friendly coworkers?

It sounds like he likes you. The introvert in INTJ is strong if they can overcome that to ask you to join him/her for a drink I think they likes you a lot. With my wife we bounced back and forth in the relationship for almost ten years before we ended up married. I think in my case it was easier as she is an ENxx which helped.
Good thing about INTJ’s is we do like things to be direct, so I would just ask outright. Some would say we have no feelings, but I think the direct question is much easier for us to process than hints, and we keep our feelings inside so the public can’t see them. We look hard on the outside, but inside we are a little softer.
I may be prejudice as I am a strong INTJ, but I think we make good and faithful spouses, and it is sure worth the try.
Good luck

[cprogess]

I would hate to assume, and as I am very jaded with the male status in association with their interest (ie married but wants to hook up). Is he single?? You do not say anywhere. And if he is, what do you know of his history in dating? Recently divorced? Also talks to the receptionist? You have "known" the guy for 5 years, where is he coming from?


I assume that he is single, though I don't know for sure. He's pretty reserved about his personal life at work. He is a very friendly person and can hold a conversation with just about anyone, but doesn't give details about his personal life. I don't know what his dating history is, I've only met one of his girlfriends and that was a very cursory meeting. He hasn't ever been married. I've known him in the sense that we would exchange hellos in the hall and quick small-talk, but nothing beyond the friendly replies to how our days are going. I wish I knew where he was coming from!





cprogess added to this post, 9 minutes and 28 seconds later...

It sounds like he likes you. The introvert in INTJ is strong if they can overcome that to ask you to join him/her for a drink I think they likes you a lot. With my wife we bounced back and forth in the relationship for almost ten years before we ended up married. I think in my case it was easier as she is an ENxx which helped.
Good thing about INTJ’s is we do like things to be direct, so I would just ask outright. Some would say we have no feelings, but I think the direct question is much easier for us to process than hints, and we keep our feelings inside so the public can’t see them. We look hard on the outside, but inside we are a little softer.
I may be prejudice as I am a strong INTJ, but I think we make good and faithful spouses, and it is sure worth the try.
Good luck
Thanks for the advice. I wouldn't have a problem being more direct with him if I wasn't so worried about dating a coworker. Because I am worried about this I am indecisive as to whether to initiate anything with him or to just leave it as a friendship.

[LionsPride]

I'm really weirded out if I found out someone I considered a friend likes me and I don't share their interest. I usually find I go into avoid mode, trying to not do anything that might encourage their interest in me. As long as I can plausibly deny the subtle hints I'm okay, but if I'm sure they like me, it's the last they see of me.

In terms of work, even if I liked a person, I would not date them if I worked with them (but that's a personal preference, not an INTJ trait). With that said, I have invited and been invited to social outings with people from work and have brought my own friends into the picture. Why? I'm not that outgoing so I don't have a massive pool of 'my own friends' and people from work are pretty intelligent and fun to be with, so why not use them as an occasional social pool? I think that being invited for a drink shows that the guy likes being around you, but I wouldn't immediately translate that into a dating interest.

If I were in your position (and not my INTJ self), I would start doing the inviting and eventually work it into a one on one session outside of work. If the two of you go out together and you spend the whole night not relying on workisms to keep conversation going, that's a good sign that he can share things with you without resorting to social norms.

Personally, and this is either hit or miss with INTJ's, I find touch an excellent way to suggest more without sticking my neck out. The brief squeeze on an arm when you say "oh! you won't believe what happened!" OR a touch to the upper arm when you say "I had fun, we should do this again." I've seen it work on a lot of men in encouraging them to do the asking out or suggesting something more. On the other hand some INTJ's can't bear to be touched, but then I think if it's someone I want to have a relationship with I don't want them to hate being touched by me...

[ElstonGunn]

What's so bad about dating a co-worker? If things don't work out between you, is it yourself or him that you're expecting to be petty and immature about it? I'm not saying it can't happen, but a lot of us seem to have better things to worry about (especially when it comes to work) than being spiteful towards ex-girlfriends or bad dates.

[LionsPride]

What's so bad about dating a co-worker? If things don't work out between you, is it yourself or him that you're expecting to be petty and immature about it? I'm not saying it can't happen, but a lot of us seem to have better things to worry about (especially when it comes to work) than being spiteful towards ex-girlfriends or bad dates.

I think you have jumped ahead to one option of several options that could go bad. I think of things like one person being promoted over the other while they are dating (as inappropriate as dating a subordinate) or the affect it has on the perceptions of others who's immaturity you have no control over and who may still have a large impact on your day to day life. There's the asking out a person, being rejected and then having to work with them as if nothing happened annoyance. Oh, and the ex dating someone else in the office who feels threatened by your previous relationship and takes it out on you by slandering your rep to others in the office..."Jimmy tells me that Mary was a cold fish in the sack..." or purposely putting your requests at the bottom of the stack just to try and even the non-existent power struggle they are having with you. Then there's the problems with some offices adopting a no-dating policy after you start dating.... Lots could go wrong that has absolutely nothing to do with the couple's maturity level and all of which have the potential to screw with a person's livelihood.

[hope]

I agree being direct is the best approach. I often feel too much time wasted on "guessing" when it can be spent for better things. Besides, INTJs are not good in guessing. I, for one, am very bad - and hate it! If he told you that he is not interested, you can then move on rather than wasting your time on him.

[INTJoe]

Email him and say "I had a lot of fun with you the other night when you invited me out. If you ever want to go out again, even if it's just us, let me know."

Something like that should get through to him without him feeling like he has to make some decision right now about his future with you. You're letting him know 1) You enjoyed his company. 2) By saying "a lot of fun with you" instead of "a lot of fun with you guys", you are personalizing the message. 3) You'd like to go out again, whether it be just you two, or a group.

[ElstonGunn]

Email him and say "I had a lot of fun with you the other night when you invited me out. If you ever want to go out again, even if it's just us, let me know."

Something like that should get through to him without him feeling like he has to make some decision right now about his future with you.

I probably wouldn't take it that way. The "Even if it's just us" would throw me off. I'd read it as "Even if it's just us, which would totally suck..." But then I'd get confused about why she bothered saying anything. I'd think that she might like me, but if she did, why didn't she make it clearer? Or is that her idea of clarity? Why is she willing to call attention to the fact that she's not completely opposed to spending one-on-one time with me, but not willing to make known her intentions in doing so? Maybe she doesn't have "intentions." That's actually probably the most reasonable explanation, here-- she had a good time with us the other night, and since I invited her, she just wanted to thank me and let me know that she wouldn't mind doing that again. The old "just friends" thing. That's alright.


But then again, he's probably not as stupid as I am with these things. That would be quite a feat if he were.

[Avid]

I probably wouldn't take it that way. The "Even if it's just us" would throw me off. I'd read it as "Even if it's just us, which would totally suck..." But then I'd get confused about why she bothered saying anything. I'd think that she might like me, but if she did, why didn't she make it clearer? Or is that her idea of clarity? Why is she willing to call attention to the fact that she's not completely opposed to spending one-on-one time with me, but not willing to make known her intentions in doing so? Maybe she doesn't have "intentions." That's actually probably the most reasonable explanation, here-- she had a good time with us the other night, and since I invited her, she just wanted to thank me and let me know that she wouldn't mind doing that again. The old "just friends" thing. That's alright.


But then again, he's probably not as stupid as I am with these things. That would be quite a feat if he were.

Eh, don't worry about it Elston women appear to me as mental terrorists (either consciously or subconsciously). Some exceptions but I've never directly observed someone that didn't prove that accusation wrong (even myself at times).

To the OP- I'd just ask him directly and formulate a plan I could deal with. I'm going to pretend I'm in this scenario..... I ask him out to somewhere and explain myself, my concerns, and what I'm aiming for and what I expect. We would probably end up being a loose romantic interest for a while. Time spent together=more trust=more confidence in your chosen partner who is human afterall=better understanding of yourself while with this person.

The person who mentioned the whole dense thing in regards to a romantic relationships. You wouldn't believe the amount of effort I had to put in to get mine to admit simple things.
Me: Admit you like me!
Him: Never you evil demon!
*2 ys pass*
Me: Admit you like me!
Him: Fine.....*pouts* (he likes to pretend he is immune to all things feeling based)
Looking back at it the whole ordeal is quite comical and would probably make for an excellent sitcom.

Anyway, yours may be dying to be with you but stubbornly refusing to give in to the "company ink" thing. You can tell in the first minute after telling him though.

[pax]

You are describing me here, very private and so on. If he has invited you out, don`t be afraid to do the same. Unfortunately it will be your responsibility to take the relationship from platonic to romantic. Yes, we seems pretty aloof and uninterested, even if we are very interested. Don't be afraid to be direct, one girl said to me that we should be married, and that I was the most beautifull man she had ever met. I had to give her a nice but direct negative answer, if I did want to get involved I would probably continue my aloof behavior.

If he says no to your "dating" proposal just continue your efforts and continue mailing him or otherwise show your interest. In many cases women has been checking me out, but I didn't understand it until later. But I said no and she would not continue and I would not dare to follow up. And don't be afraid to be direct.

(My strange English has a natural answer: I'm Norwegian)

[Avid]

You are describing me here, very private and so on. If he has invited you out, don`t be afraid to do the same. Unfortunately it will be your responsibility to take the relationship from platonic to romantic. Yes, we seems pretty aloof and uninterested, even if we are very interested. Don't be afraid to be direct, one girl said to me that we should be married, and that I was the most beautifull man she had ever met. I had to give her a nice but direct negative answer, if I did want to get involved I would probably continue my aloof behavior.

If he says no to your "dating" proposal just continue your efforts and continue mailing him or otherwise show your interest. In many cases women has been checking me out, but I didn't understand it until later. But I said no and she would not continue and I would not dare to follow up. And don't be afraid to be direct.

(My strange English has a natural answer: I'm Norwegian)

Don't worry about it. English (particularly Americanized english) is so flawed I don't know where to begin. I've been lightly studying up here and there on other languages and spanish/mexican and italian or (going right to the source) latin makes much more sense. Maybe one day I'll find a mentor to truly help me master another language. I'm not even going to try to fully weed out punctuation problems as I have a rather poor mastery of them. But in the interest of helping you it should be "women have been" other than that I didn't detect anything blazingly wrong with what you wrote.

[Synamon]

I probably wouldn't take it that way. The "Even if it's just us" would throw me off. I'd read it as "Even if it's just us, which would totally suck..." But then I'd get confused about why she bothered saying anything. I'd think that she might like me, but if she did, why didn't she make it clearer? Or is that her idea of clarity? Why is she willing to call attention to the fact that she's not completely opposed to spending one-on-one time with me, but not willing to make known her intentions in doing so? Maybe she doesn't have "intentions." That's actually probably the most reasonable explanation, here-- she had a good time with us the other night, and since I invited her, she just wanted to thank me and let me know that she wouldn't mind doing that again. The old "just friends" thing. That's alright.


But then again, he's probably not as stupid as I am with these things. That would be quite a feat if he were.

Do those voices in your head ever shut up Elston? You keep saying that you want women to make the first move, but if one ever did it appears you would convince yourself that she didn't mean it. :laugh:

To the OP, sounds like you have two issues, one about whether he likes you and one about whether you should date someone at work. People date others at work all the time because that's one of the main places you meet other people. Since you described him as private there should be no problem keeping things discreet if you do start a relationship with him. He invited you out so he doesn't dislike you, invite him out somewhere and go from there. It would be a good idea to ask him what he thinks about dating someone at work, maybe he has a problem with it and the whole issue is moot.