"I'm so disappointed in you."

[Midhiel]

Are you bothered by people saying this to you? Does it make you want to change? I mostly mean this in a parental context, but it could apply to anyone.

[ppu6502]

are you disappointed in you?

[BuShinJu]

Imagine how disappointed the person is in themselves to say this, know what I mean.

[CanrHoldLimes]

I'd be upset about it if it was something I knew was out of character and caused some sort of problem.

[Silverity]

It really depends who said it and in what context. If I don't value the existence of the person who is disappointed in me, or if they are disappointed in me for something I don't care about, then no, it doesn't bother me at all. If someone I worshiped said that to me or if I failed at a task that was important to me and someone fed me that line I'd be pretty crushed.

[Pika]

Yeah, like others have already noted, it pretty much depends on why someone would be disappointed in me and who is disappointed. For some acts, and for some people, being told of their disappointment would be a compliment, for other acts or people it could be crushing.

[LifesEcstasy]

In a parental context, the answer would be no. My parent is unendingly disappointed in just about everyone and everything. It would be a shrug my shoulders moment when I'm thinking...so what else is new? .

This phrase is only ever used when what you did =/= what I want you to do. So context is important. If it was my boss I'd be willing to hear what exactly was disappointing and the reason's why. If she's assessing my job performance I'd imagine I would have failed in it some way. I'm always ready to hear it if I'm not performing at the level required.

If it was a personal relationship then the history of that person and the context would determine how much stock I am willing to put in their assessment.

[Paul Siraisi]

Does upset me and make me want to change something. But that's a superficial reaction to a blatantly manipulative dig. It would take some good analysis to be sure that changing is what I had to do.

[sircockburn]

I've only ever heard that phrase from my adoptive father. And he used it too many times for me to be affected by it.

Especially over stupid things, like getting a C in Social Studies or getting caught eating beef jerky (he insisted on veganism).

[DesertKnight]

I got this on an almost daily basis as a kid, I was as indifferent to it then as I am now. Someone's assertion of how I should be is not important to me if the person in question means nothing to me.

[peaceinwar]

In a parental context...hahahah..uhhh no, it wouldn't affect me in the slightest. If it came form someone I trusted and respected, then yes, it would crush me. So I guess I agree with the previous posters, in that, it would depend on who made that that statement to me.

[Zodd]

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When I was a kid and my mother said it to me it killed me, even if I made myself trying to think she was just stupid or if I actually thought she was stupid (feeler/sensor whatever, as a kid) or I got angry and wanted to slap her face.

Now I'm to logically/crazy/fucked up, so no one says it, and if they do I just analyze my behaviour.

[Booko]

I don't exist to satisfy someone else's expectations.

If I screwed up tell me how and why it matters. If the intent is to make me act differently, trying to make me "feel bad" is not an effective tactic.

If your intent is to make me think you're a manipulative person I should pay little heed to, go ahead and tell me how disappointed you are.

[Still Standing]

My single mother and other authority figures never told me this, nor that they were proud of me. Thankfully because I find both statements rather patronizing and manipulative. Please say that you're disappointed with or proud of what I did, not with/of who I am as a human being.

I don't exist to satisfy someone else's expectations.

If I screwed up tell me how and why it matters. If the intent is to make me act differently, trying to make me "feel bad" is not an effective tactic.

If your intent is to make me think you're a manipulative person I should pay little heed to, go ahead and tell me how disappointed you are.

Pretty much what I meant to say.

[Scenery]

When someone tells me that I've disappointed them, I often find myself annoyed at the fact that they have made the (often erroneous) assumption that I value their perception of me enough to allow it to alter my behavior and or/self-perception.

[True Rune]

My boss is doing that, but it's in such a petty way. (accusing everyone of stealing)

[Selene]

Are you bothered by people saying this to you?
Generally no. But if they do it repeatedly and the statement reveals itself as a form of passive aggressive technique, then yes. This realization will most certainly amplify resistance.

Does it make you want to change?
Read above.

I mostly mean this in a parental context, but it could apply to anyone.
I think this statement is usually uttered by those in a position of authority (bosses, parents, partners, etc.) over its recipients. In some cases, it's a genuine and heartfelt expression while in others, a guilt tripping tool (conscious or subconscious).

Whatever it is, I make it a point to follow up immediately by asking why. My final reaction will then hinge on the credibility of their answers.

[sunitaishot]

Are you bothered by people saying this to you? Does it make you want to change? I mostly mean this in a parental context, but it could apply to anyone.

Another "my parents are mean to me" when they truly are not thread?

---------- Post added 05-23-2012 at 04:56 PM ----------

I don't exist to satisfy someone else's expectations.

If I screwed up tell me how and why it matters. If the intent is to make me act differently, trying to make me "feel bad" is not an effective tactic.

If your intent is to make me think you're a manipulative person I should pay little heed to, go ahead and tell me how disappointed you are.

What if they hold a right to their expectations?

to say expectations don't exist is false.

---------- Post added 05-23-2012 at 05:00 PM ----------

Imagine how disappointed the person is in themselves to say this, know what I mean.

Doesn't it depend on the context?

If a child has a curfew of 11pm, and s/he gets home at 1am, is the statement so bad then?

It seems on this forum, there is a poor understanding of human interactions. And it's modern society essentially to blame. In all human relationships, there are expectations and responsibilities. It's because in contemporary times, it's liberal and trendy to say expectations don't exist (which is total bullshit anyhow).

---------- Post added 05-23-2012 at 05:00 PM ----------

Generally no. But if they do it repeatedly and the statement reveals itself as a form of passive aggressive technique, then yes. This realization will most certainly amplify resistance.


Read above.


I think this statement is usually uttered by those in a position of authority (bosses, parents, partners, etc.) over its recipients. In some cases, it's a genuine and heartfelt expression while in others, a guilt tripping tool (conscious or subconscious).

Whatever it is, I make it a point to follow up immediately by asking why. My final reaction will then hinge on the credibility of their answers.

Not all relationships hold equal power, do they?

[FruitLoop]

Sucks to be them, then doesn't it!

[Magda]

It really depends who said it and in what context. If I don't value the existence of the person who is disappointed in me, or if they are disappointed in me for something I don't care about, then no, it doesn't bother me at all. If someone I worshiped said that to me or if I failed at a task that was important to me and someone fed me that line I'd be pretty crushed.

Precisely.

[deckard]

If I were to care about the person, I'd see it as an unfair assessment of worth and likely stop respecting their point of view, or find myself respecting it less. Everyone has flaws and I'd imagine it would have to be a fairly devious one for myself to make such a comment. Even then, I'd wait until there are numerous examples and strive to phrase it "...in what you did here".

[Tactical Panda]

I can't remember the last time someone was being genuine when saying this from what I've experienced so far.

Too often its just an emotional device that misrepresents the real situation and real intentions.

[SwedenF]

There is an option missing.

"It bothers me, and I'll evaluate what they said, but only consider changing if it's in fact something I should be better at".

[sunitaishot]

Is it so black and white?

Why doesn't an authority figure hold the right to say this?

[nowt]

Like a psychiatrist?

Is it so black and white? Why doesn't an authority figure hold the right to say this?

[RBM]

What if they hold a right to their expectations?

to say expectations don't exist is false

The only 'right' to an expectation is that an individual can think whatever they want. The reality breaks in when the expectation is projected to outside that individuals mind.

What I've described is a two part analysis. Most of the world thinks it's a one part dynamic. For example look up a dictionary definition.

---------- Post added 05-24-2012 at 04:45 PM ----------

I can't remember the last time someone was being genuine when saying this from what I've experienced so far.

Too often its just an emotional device that misrepresents the real situation and real intentions.

Yeah, usually it's a manipulation device.

[illustral]

I would always hope my parents would give me this rather than a real punishment. Disappointment only works if you actually respect the person saying it.

[scorpiomover]

Are you bothered by people saying this to you? Does it make you want to change? I mostly mean this in a parental context, but it could apply to anyone.It used to bring up dual emotions in me. Short-term, it messed with my head. However, that made people think they could control me, and then they came to totally rely on me. But my head was messed with, so it would screw up, in some almost imperceptible way. The result was those people found they screwed their own lives up. Hurt me. Destroyed them.

I think it is much more efficient for all round, when people don't try to do that. So I try to not let people do that to me. I don't want to see people suffer needlessly.

[sunitaishot]

The only 'right' to an expectation is that an individual can think whatever they want. The reality breaks in when the expectation is projected to outside that individuals mind.

Hmm.. PC reasoning knows no bounds.

A boss in a workplace expects given behaviour from his or her staff. A parent expects given behaviour from his or her child (anybody who replies this is "oppressive" or "unfair" needs a slap around the head to knock them into reality).

I don't think in all contexts (life is never about absolutes) that expressing disappointment in others is so bad. Frankly the comments in this thread show an abnormal appraisal of human interaction.

What is more, expectations are part of life. People are "expected" to follow the law. Human relationships are based to a large degree on expectations. It's PC to say otherwise.

[nowt]

As abnormal as psychiatry, or abnormal as defined by psychiatry, or as abnormal as your appraisal of psychiatry, or as abnormal as defined by an abnormal definition of abnormal psychiatry or what the fuck?

an abnormal appraisal

[Still Standing]

I don't think in all contexts (life is never about absolutes) that expressing disappointment in others is so bad.

Do you see a difference between "I'm so disappointed that you didn't get the job!" and "What do you mean, you didn't get the job? I'm so disappointed in you!"?

[RedN]

In my mind, "i dont have an interest in impressing you to begin with. and what made you think I even cared? uh... did I ask?"

[sunitaishot]

Do you see a difference between "I'm so disappointed that you didn't get the job!" and "What do you mean, you didn't get the job? I'm so disappointed in you!"?

lol.. I don't care. I don't see why parents instructing children (which is a parent's central role, in all mammalian species) is so reprehensible.

[nowt]

Do you know what puberty is? How many years is the OP beyond puberty?

lol.. I don't care. I don't see why parents instructing children (which is a parent's central role, in all mammalian species) is so reprehensible.

[sunitaishot]

Do you know what puberty is? How many years is the OP beyond puberty?

Yes, it's the development of adult anatomical/physiological traits lol..

Even adult children feel bound by parents, to some extent. It is too PC to say otherwise.

[nowt]

But not traits of independence, and 'to some extent' might be effectively fucking none?--

Yes, it's the development of adult anatomical/physiological traits lol.. Even adult children feel bound by parents, to some extent. It is too PC to say otherwise.

No idea why the appeal to cowardice 'because PC'.

[sunitaishot]

But not traits of independence, and 'to some extent' might be effectively fucking none?--



No idea why the appeal to cowardice because PC.

An adult is by definition responsible for him or herself. That's really the only definition of adulthood.

[nowt]

And so.

An adult is by definition responsible for him or herself. That's really the only definition of adulthood.

[Midhiel]

Another "my parents are mean to me" when they truly are not thread?

I greatly value your assumption, almost as much as I value being told I am a disappointment for no valid reason. I started the thread because I realized that I react differently than I am expected to when someone tells me this, and wanted to know how many other people react the same way. I'm not whining about my parents. If I were, I probably would have...I don't know, told you something about my parents.

lol.. I don't care. I don't see why parents instructing children (which is a parent's central role, in all mammalian species) is so reprehensible.

There is a difference in "instructing children" and using unnecessary, manipulative/emotional appeals to try to shame the child. If there is a problem, why not state what the problem is and try to address a solution?



Thanks for your responses.

[stealthfighter]

When I'm disappointed with myself, that's when I get prompted to change my behavior effectively.