Sexual Activity and Physical Affection...

[HeterodoxRobot]

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I am pretty sure my perpetual ex in an INTJ.

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However, two things stuck out to me.

My ex was both physically affectionate and pretty sexual.

So, is that rare, or weird?

Are most INTJs averse to showing/engaging in physical/sexual affections towards their mates?

[wiccademic]

Wow, I'm the first to answer this one lol. I am extremely affectionate. I love the feel of my girlfriends body pressed against my own. The way she smells, the texture of your skin. I love making love to her and would do so every day if she were willing.

Hope that answers your question lol.

[Noehelia]

I can speak for only one INTJ. He is almost always sexually aroused and he wants physical affectionate contact more than me. However it is the way that he expresses these that distinguish him as INTJ. I had observed already these weird tendencies that he has and had told him about them before knowing about MBTI types, but after learning about them it all made sense.

Affection: He treats me like I am a doll. He squeezes me, tickles, bites, pinches, cradles, makes me roll over like he has an object in his hands that give him pleasure. He wants me to go to him and hug him every 2-3 hours and he is annoyed if I don't leave anything that I am doing and satisfy his need at that time.

Sex: I think that he feels that he must be the perfect lover, be aroused all the time, have sex all the time, have the greatest technique, give many orgasms to his partner because this is the thing that the perfect lover would do. I have tried to make him more relaxed on this.

[ElstonGunn]

Are most INTJs averse to showing/engaging in physical/sexual affections towards their mates?

I thought most INTJs didn't have mates.

[Airius]

I believe our main weakness in relationships may not be sexual, but romantic, unless we're willing to work on it.

[HeterodoxRobot]

Wow, I'm the first to answer this one lol. I am extremely affectionate. I love the feel of my girlfriends body pressed against my own. The way she smells, the texture of your skin. I love making love to her and would do so every day if she were willing.
Hmm, what a lovely response, thanks for sharing!!!

My ex definitely was fond of my smell, my breath (which he always insisted tasted like dairy products?!?!?!), my B.O. even, lol, and he loved touching me and having me touch him. I think this was the case because a.) he loved and was in love with me, and b.) considering his normal, everyday stoic, reclusive nature, he was pretty starved for physical touch and affection.


I can speak for only one INTJ. He is almost always sexually aroused and he wants physical affectionate contact more than me. Lol, make that two INTJs, because this was more or less, always the case between my ex and I, wow, lol.

Affection: He treats me like I am a doll. He squeezes me, tickles, bites, pinches, cradles, makes me roll over like he has an object in his hands that give him pleasure. He wants me to go to him and hug him every 2-3 hours and he is annoyed if I don't leave anything that I am doing and satisfy his need at that time.

WOW!!!!

My ex would totally do this, but to him, I was his "kitty"!

Sex: I think that he feels that he must be the perfect lover, be aroused all the time, have sex all the time, have the greatest technique, give many orgasms to his partner because this is the thing that the perfect lover would do. I have tried to make him more relaxed on this.
Yet again, weird, very weird. My ex was a little less perfectionist about his sex role, but he was hyper-aware and concerned with his performance.

I thought most INTJs didn't have mates.
Lol, my ex and I had been dating on and off for nearly eight years, and I know for a fact that he never dated anyone during our break-interims. He had sex with one other girl though. So yeah, he wasn't/isn't what you would call or classify as a "Ladies man".

I believe our main weakness in relationships may not be sexual, but romantic, unless we're willing to work on it.
Hmm, yeah, it took my ex *years* to come to terms with the fact that he was in love with me, and finally, a year and a half ago, he felt comfortable telling me that he loved me and had been in love with me for a long time.

He feels/felt conflicted by his intense romantic feelings for me, and what that does and would entail, and his rational being who fears or expects that he will most likely want, at one point, "experience" with someone else, (he's 26, so this makes sense).

[LionsPride]

I'm also extremely physically affectionate and sexual with my partners. I don't think it's related to being an INTJ or not. Being in love with intellectual pursuits doesn't mean you have to be all thumbs when it comes to physical affection. On the other hand, I don't touch people outside my close circle and I would never be described as affectionate by any of my acquaintances. I'm also poor at understanding my mates emotions. I don't anticipate what they are feeling and I can't 'read' what their emotional needs are.

[Danisty]

I'm moderately physically affectionate and extremely sexual.

[Noehelia]

Yet again, weird, very weird. My ex was a little less perfectionist about his sex role, but he was hyper-aware and concerned with his performance.



Hmm, yeah, it took my ex *years* to come to terms with the fact that he was in love with me, and finally, a year and a half ago, he felt comfortable telling me that he loved me and had been in love with me for a long time.



I pleaded him to stop asking me everytime how was it, was it better than yesterday, was it different, in what way, what did I like particularly and so one. He really wanted to know in order to optimize it. And it's not like that he had no experience or he hadn't master the techniques already, but he always wanted to be better or to adapt in my personal appetites.

About telling me whether he loves me: it is our personal joke. He has never told me that he loves me but I tell him that I know that he does and there is no way he can persuade me for the opposite, so there is no need telling me anything. He always laughs with this.

[Kisai]

I'm pretty darn romantic and voraciously sexual.

However, the part I hate the most is the "chase". The part of flirting/wooing where you haven't gotten to sleeping with the other person yet. That stage completely aggravates me sometimes and I have to suppress my anxieties to get to the next stage.

[Stargazer]

I have a hard time with the idea of flirting. I think is is juevenile and pointless. I am not fond of being touched, although after one unintentional encounter with an intoxicated woman, I must admit I felt a sense of exhilaration as well as disbelief that I had been able to withstand the phsysical contact. I was also incredibly confused at how rapidly I had been subdued into going along with the encounter and that I didn't really do anything to stop it. I have never before or since been so irrational and casual about an encounter. To this day I am still appalled and even disgusted with myself that somewhere in the moment, I was not in control of myself enough to stop it.

I have a great aversion to sex and have no desire to engage in it. I know that for most women it plays an important part in their relationships, but I would rather go without a relationship than engage in sex--it makes me that uncomfortable. I consider myself an asexual. Sex is the absolute antithesis of who I am--a rational person who must be in control of himself at all times. Sex is irrational outside of the need to sustain the species, and as such it seems animalistic in nature. Yet, I am fascinated at sex from the point of an observer. I enjoy watching sex because of its effect on people and their behaviors. I am rarely aroused by it, but enjoy watching it from a scientific standpoint.

[HeterodoxRobot]

I have a hard time with the idea of flirting. I think is is juevenile and pointless. I am not fond of being touched, although after one unintentional encounter with an intoxicated woman, I must admit I felt a sense of exhilaration as well as disbelief that I had been able to withstand the phsysical contact. I was also incredibly confused at how rapidly I had been subdued into going along with the encounter and that I didn't really do anything to stop it. I have never before or since been so irrational and casual about an encounter. To this day I am still appalled and even disgusted with myself that somewhere in the moment, I was not in control of myself enough to stop it.

I have a great aversion to sex and have no desire to engage in it. I know that for most women it plays an important part in their relationships, but I would rather go without a relationship than engage in sex--it makes me that uncomfortable. I consider myself an asexual. Sex is the absolute antithesis of who I am--a rational person who must be in control of himself at all times. Sex is irrational outside of the need to sustain the species, and as such it seems animalistic in nature. Yet, I am fascinated at sex from the point of an observer. I enjoy watching sex because of its effect on people and their behaviors. I am rarely aroused by it, but enjoy watching it from a scientific standpoint.
What are your thoughts on flatulence, urinating, and defecating?

We *are* animals, and the desire for sex and the act of fucking/copulating, believe it or not, is one of our better baser instincts. It is better in that it can be a physiologically/psychologically/mentally/emotionally and spiritually rewarding experience, and suffice to say, such can not be said for our other basic human "needs".

[Bratwurst]

I think INTJ's are often seen as asexual because they tend to be single and don't take and risks. Flirting, touching and showing affection always comes with a risk of being denied. People are often be unpredictlable and you don't know what you're "romantic" pursuits may lead to. INTJs want to know. If we're a little bit insecure about the girl, the situation or the consequences we will not take the risk.

For an INTJ, a romantic pursuit is a plan. We will not set the plan in motion if the end result might be negative. I only pursue a girl when she has given me clear signals that she wants me, or when I'm drunk and don't care about risk. So when you look at a INTJ who is single you might see a totaly asexual person not showing affection or interest to anyone. No flirting or barely no flirting at all.

However when you're beyond the flirting stage, when the person is "your's for the taking", I believe INTJs can be as affectionate and sexual as any most other typer. Perhaps even more than others during the initial state of the relation since we don't sleep around a lot.

Affection: He treats me like I am a doll. He squeezes me, tickles, bites, pinches, cradles, makes me roll over like he has an object in his hands that give him pleasure.

Don't forget the mouth farts and animal sounds. :) Haha.

[Seppuku Savant]

My INTJ Ex wasn't physically affectionate. Nor was my INTJ father. However, when someone of any type is in love, I'm sure they do things they wouldn't normally do.

[zibber]

I'm moderately physically affectionate and extremely sexual.

That's me.

[HeterodoxRobot]

My INTJ Ex wasn't physically affectionate. Nor was my INTJ father. However, when someone of any type is in love, I'm sure they do things they wouldn't normally do.
I still find it amusing/unsettling, the day-to-night transformation my ex made with me. When I first met him he was cold as ice, no, he was colder than that, he was cold as liquid nitrogen, I fell for him immediately, but at the time, being completely inexperienced with guys and ignorant of the know-hows of romantic pursuits, I foolishly "flirted" with him by challenging many things he said, he found this adversarial and instantly became antagonistic and condescending towards me, he was also still kind of dating his GF from high school, (we were 18 and both freshmen in college when we met). Two months into our friendship, I asked him to take my virginity, as a friend, and at first he declined, and then I asked him a couple weeks later and he accepted, from that point on we embarked in, what essentially was a two and a half year, "enemies with benefits" relationship. We would spend increasingly more time together (fyi, we saw each other 5 to 6 days a week), during this whole time I was, or thought I was, in love with him, but he insisted that he did not see me that way, that our relationship was too antagonistic, etc.

Oh yeah, during this period, he gave me ZERO affection, we never cuddled and we rarely kissed.

2.5 years later, I moved back home and for reasons unknown to me, my leaving marked the genesis of his falling for, or accepting that he was in love with me.

For three years we would see each other three times a year or so, and he would be increasingly nicer, more open and affectionate with/towards me, though I, ironically at this point did not reciprocate this level of interest.

Then on one of these trips we just super clicked, and BAM!!!

It was like he was an *entirely* different human being, he would kiss me all the time, and love to touch/squeeze/bite me, all..the..time. I found this bewildering, how could this have been the same guy who was once colder and farther away than Pluto?!?!!?

Interestingly enough, the 2.5 years while we were "enemies with benefits" we spent a whole shitload amount of time debating and discussing, well, everything. And during our intimate and exclusive dating period, of course we would still discuss and debate things, but hmm, it was as if he adopted me as his pet, a pet that he loved and cherished and who was expected to adoringly love him back, translate: be attentive to him and willing to cater to him 75% of each waking day , and I dunno, it is just weird, how much *he* changed, sure, I changed a bit too, but not really anything too noteworthy or drastic, how can someone who is so seemingly cold and aloof, be in fact really warm and affectionate too?!?!?

That is so mind-boggling to me.


Sorry, what a rant :/





HeterodoxRobot added to this post, 25 minutes and 20 seconds later...

I'm pretty darn romantic and voraciously sexual.

However, the part I hate the most is the "chase". The part of flirting/wooing where you haven't gotten to sleeping with the other person yet. That stage completely aggravates me sometimes and I have to suppress my anxieties to get to the next stage.

I think INTJ's are often seen as asexual because they tend to be single and don't take and risks. Flirting, touching and showing affection always comes with a risk of being denied. People are often be unpredictlable and you don't know what you're "romantic" pursuits may lead to. INTJs want to know. If we're a little bit insecure about the girl, the situation or the consequences we will not take the risk.

For an INTJ, a romantic pursuit is a plan. We will not set the plan in motion if the end result might be negative. I only pursue a girl when she has given me clear signals that she wants me, or when I'm drunk and don't care about risk. So when you look at a INTJ who is single you might see a totaly asexual person not showing affection or interest to anyone. No flirting or barely no flirting at all.

However when you're beyond the flirting stage, when the person is "your's for the taking", I believe INTJs can be as affectionate and sexual as any most other typer. Perhaps even more than others during the initial state of the relation since we don't sleep around a lot.
I must admit, I *really* like this about you guys. :)

I had to essentially chase my ex down and beat him over the head with an "I fucking love you so fucking much" stick, before he let me in, and showed me some kind of vulnerability.

Oh man, that was/is the other thing, I used to think he was some indestructible, indefatigable super-human who was in control of everything and who felt nothing, and boy, oh boy was I wrong!!!

When he opened up to me, he allowed me to see his vulnerability, that he was *not* in control of everything, (lol, just most things), and by god, that he actually had...he had FEELINGS!!!!!

But yeah, he is *not* a flirt, and definitely *not* one to want or try to put effort in chasing "turkeys".

Bleh, I cannot stand male players, I definitely found his reticence and lack of player skills, immensely attractive.

[ElstonGunn]

I had to essentially chase my ex down and beat him over the head with an "I fucking love you so fucking much" stick, before he let me in, and showed me some kind of vulnerability.

[...]Bleh, I cannot stand male players, I definitely found his reticence and lack of player skills, immensely attractive.

If more women were like this, I'd be a lot less bitter towards society.

[Americano]

If more women were like this, I'd be a lot less bitter towards society.

/agree

[L30]

My woman is a bit like that too (ESxJ), but I still try not to show her any vulnerability. I wouldn't do that with any woman by principle. Well, not to any man either. Actually, I don't have vulnerabilities, or nothing I can't manage anyway.

INTJs should just read modern seduction manuals and apply the knowledge, it's much easier than trying to extrapolate what a woman needs from the object itself.

[Kisai]

Bleh, I cannot stand male players,

Does that mean you like female players? :wiseguy:

[HeterodoxRobot]

If more women were like this, I'd be a lot less bitter towards society.Unfortunately, many, if not most, people suck, so your bitterness towards society is a justifiable one.

But, of course, there are plenty of exceptional people out there too!!!

Does that mean you like female players? :wiseguy:
Interestingly enough, um, it's not that I "like" them per se, but I most certainly find them to be a lot more tolerable than their male counterparts. :)

[Henry]

My ex was both physically affectionate and pretty sexual.

So, is that rare, or weird?

Are most INTJs averse to showing/engaging in physical/sexual affections towards their mates?

Not really. You have to remember that INTJs tend to become very invested in their relationships with a few close people. So it should not be surprising that they would show a great deal of physical affection to someone that they care about.

Regarding the sex, probably 80% of the time I have sex its about satisfying a physical need or having fun over expressing deep emotions.

[Dominguez]

geez, i agree 100% with a lot thats been said by everyone. i always observe that women are interested in me and probably expect me to initiate something between us, but while im observing them i realize i'm only sexually attracted to them so i don't even bother. then theres women i've met who i adore even without knowing them for long but nothing sparks between us. i've always been affectionate ever since i was a kid, but until i become progressively intimate with a person, i won't get close. then again, there have been times where i'll get close but i usually keep my hands to myself. i guess the opposite sex sees this as me being disinterested, when im actually just being patient and observing to plan how to escalate.

[absurd]

I think INTJ's are often seen as asexual because they tend to be single and don't take and risks. Flirting, touching and showing affection always comes with a risk of being denied. People are often be unpredictlable and you don't know what you're "romantic" pursuits may lead to. INTJs want to know. If we're a little bit insecure about the girl, the situation or the consequences we will not take the risk.

For an INTJ, a romantic pursuit is a plan. We will not set the plan in motion if the end result might be negative. I only pursue a girl when she has given me clear signals that she wants me, or when I'm drunk and don't care about risk. So when you look at a INTJ who is single you might see a totaly asexual person not showing affection or interest to anyone. No flirting or barely no flirting at all.

However when you're beyond the flirting stage, when the person is "your's for the taking", I believe INTJs can be as affectionate and sexual as any most other typer. Perhaps even more than others during the initial state of the relation since we don't sleep around a lot.



Don't forget the mouth farts and animal sounds. :) Haha.

This is so true.

[NephilimAzrael]

Maybe it is the depth of the sex that is more important, but sensuality is fan-f#@kin-tastic.

[Grizzly]

"enemies with benefits"
First time I heard that one....

But It doesnt sound that odd that he was extremely cold and formal at first, then turned into a cuddlebunny.
Once he felt safe, the floodgates opened, and your were the focus of all the sexual energy that was bouncing around in his head.

I've basically done the same thing with my GF, whos a bit confused about the bipolar change aswell. But extremely happy with the perfectionist bent of the INTJ type!

[karenk]

geez, i agree 100% with a lot thats been said by everyone. i always observe that women are interested in me and probably expect me to initiate something between us, but while im observing them i realize i'm only sexually attracted to them so i don't even bother. then theres women i've met who i adore even without knowing them for long but nothing sparks between us.

This is why I generally do not to let myself do the initiating. Maybe something would be initiatied that shouldn't have since there were reasons the other person didn't. The reason mentioned here isn't even one of the worse possible reasons. I did try to initiate something with an INT recently but nothing happened. However really I was trying to get more info to decide whether to be depressed and get over it or not.

[Stargazer]

What are your thoughts on flatulence, urinating, and defecating?

We *are* animals, and the desire for sex and the act of fucking/copulating, believe it or not, is one of our better baser instincts. It is better in that it can be a physiologically/psychologically/mentally/emotionally and spiritually rewarding experience, and suffice to say, such can not be said for our other basic human "needs".


I care not for any of the things you mentioned--they are equally repulsive. They are, however, unavoidable. Sex on the other hand is entirely avoidable. As someone else mentioned earlier, if we find someone we love, we are willing to do things that we normally wouldn't do. I am sure that I could overcome my aversions, as I have learned to overcome many things out of necessity.

[maabus1999]

With our pursuit of perfection combined with our lead intuition, at least in my opinion, are sexual escapades are very different from the majority of people. While we can be primordial just to relax, if you actually have "feelings" for someone, sex is going to have a much stronger meaning to the INTJ as the loyalty drive and intuition kicks in. Just make sure you find a partner that is creative and supports your "perfection." ENFP's are a popular choice it seems. ENTP's as well.

[MostlyHarmless]

I pleaded him to stop asking me everytime how was it, was it better than yesterday, was it different, in what way, what did I like particularly and so one.

Guilty as charged. Is that such a bad thing?

[HeterodoxRobot]

i've always been affectionate ever since i was a kid, but until i become progressively intimate with a person, i won't get close..I think this is exactly how my ex happens to be, though from the outside, one would *never* know or even think this. He loves, loves, loves, physical affection, lol, whenever he would be on the computer (which was often, *very* often), if I weren't doing anything he would always want/ask me to massage him, scratch his back or arms, play with his hair, etc.

Maybe it is the depth of the sex that is more important, but sensuality is fan-f#@kin-tastic.
Hmm, yeah, my ex doesn't really like strippers, or going to strip clubs and is absolutely repulsed by the idea of ever having to pay for sex.

He definitely has a sensuality streak in him, and prefers positions in which we are face to face, and are able to kiss while copulating, lol.

"enemies with benefits"
First time I heard that one....

But It doesnt sound that odd that he was extremely cold and formal at first, then turned into a cuddlebunny.
Once he felt safe, the floodgates opened, and your were the focus of all the sexual energy that was bouncing around in his head.

I've basically done the same thing with my GF, whos a bit confused about the bipolar change aswell. But extremely happy with the perfectionist bent of the INTJ type!
HAHAHA!!!

The/your perfectionist bent can get kind of annoying sometimes though!!!!

Sometimes you guys just need to take a major chill pill. :)


I care not for any of the things you mentioned--they are equally repulsive. They are, however, unavoidable. Sex on the other hand is entirely avoidable. As someone else mentioned earlier, if we find someone we love, we are willing to do things that we normally wouldn't do. I am sure that I could overcome my aversions, as I have learned to overcome many things out of necessity.
Oh, wow, seems like you don't really like being a human being, a living, visceral animal, subject to bio-physiological processes. Good luck with that, I guess. :/

I pleaded him to stop asking me everytime how was it, was it better than yesterday, was it different, in what way, what did I like particularly and so one. He really wanted to know in order to optimize it. And it's not like that he had no experience or he hadn't master the techniques already, but he always wanted to be better or to adapt in my personal appetites.

Guilty as charged. Is that such a bad thing?
Kind of, it is annoying, and it puts us in an awkward position of needing to constantly be reaffirming.

Yes, communication about and during sex is important, but it isn't some "task" that you can take notes on consciously plan on executing to perfection. Sex is a natural thing, it should not be forced, when it is forced, it is fake and when it is fake, it sucks.

[Grizzly]

have you tried massage?

Having a designated massage time one or two days a week might sate his need for physical affection, and let him seek perfection in that realm.
Unless post massage feedback would be equally uncomfortable to give.

but the tired analogy that "men are dogs, women are cats" holds tru in this and many cases.
We just want to be patted on the head and told we did a good job.
Is it that hard? :(

[HeterodoxRobot]

have you tried massage?

Having a designated massage time one or two days a week might sate his need for physical affection, and let him seek perfection in that realm.
Unless post massage feedback would be equally uncomfortable to give.
Huh?

but the tired analogy that "men are dogs, women are cats" holds tru in this and many cases.
We just want to be patted on the head and told we did a good job.
Is it that hard? :(
Lol, I'll be sure to keep this in mind, next time. ;)

[NephilimAzrael]

So what is the deal with perpetual ex idea, he is either your ex (next applicant please) or not.

[JustMel]

I am extremely affectionate and have a high sex drive but for me it's when I want to be. If I want to be left alone--I resent any intrusion into that time in what I call my alone bubble and my ESTJ knows it so leave me alone. he knows I will come to him when i want to give/receive attention. I have to actually switch to attention mode if he needs me when I am not in the mode already.

However, even as a female, when the sex itself is over I have about 3-5 minutes of cuddle in me and then I'm done and want to walk away because now my brain is in overdrive and I have to do something to pacify the voices.

The same is true of my kids---when they are newborns and little and totally dependent on me I will sit and talk to them for hours. I will lay them on the couch or in my lap and talk to them or play but I don't just sit and snuggle with them except at bottle and bedtime. As they get older and start asserting independence I find I don't want them hanging on me either. Tell me you love me, hug, kiss now go on. You can sit beside me but not on me. My husband on the other hand is part of the furniture when it comes to the kids and they use him as a jungle gym and lay all over him.

They all seem to know if they want sympathy--mom is incapable of giving it--empathy I can manage but I don't do sympathy. If they want a SOLUTION they come to me. If they want to cry and moan they go to dad. I get the miniseries version of he said/she said of their drama and dad gets the full length feature complete with intermissions for tears and crap.





JustMel added to this post, 2 minutes and 22 seconds later...

So what is the deal with perpetual ex idea, he is either your ex (next applicant please) or not.

That just means she still beats her head against the wall hoping it will change and it doesn't.

an exercise in futility





JustMel added to this post, 4 minutes and 42 seconds later...

[/QUOTE]Kind of, it is annoying, and it puts us in an awkward position of needing to constantly be reaffirming.

Yes, communication about and during sex is important, but it isn't some "task" that you can take notes on consciously plan on executing to perfection. Sex is a natural thing, it should not be forced, when it is forced, it is fake and when it is fake, it sucks.[/QUOTE]

Just like it's annoying to an INTJ to constantly reaffirm our love/feelings for someone who needs validation...................Do you love me is a ?? I hate. If I didn't love you, you wouldn't be here.

Everything is a "task" to an INTJ, we have to perfect it because if something isn't done right---what's the point in doing it? It's one of those things.

[catd]

I'm moderately physically affectionate and extremely sexual.

Ditto

[NephilimAzrael]

That just means she still beats her head against the wall hoping it will change and it doesn't.

an exercise in futility


Oh right. Maybe stop doing that.