View Full Version : Dating an ESFJ
psukid13
08-01-2008, 07:14 AM
So I've been reading up on the threads about INTJ/ESFJ relationships and to sum it all up, the ESFJ is needy and constantly need emotional attention while the INTJ feels like they are going to slit their wrist.
To my dismay, my ESFJ is a complete wall. Very unemotional and doesn't seem to have a sense of urgency to want to hang out or be with me. I've thought about the fact that this person may just not be into me but we've talked this through before and I received confirmation that if this was the case, we would not be together. And when we are together, we have the best time and it's on a very intimate (physically) level. It's just the lack of emotional verbiage that has me concerned.
We've been dating for 3 months and I actually have to be the one that fills the emotional gaps. And when I say something witty or "cute", I get NO response.
Has anyone else experienced this with other ESFJs? With me trying to be vocal with my emotions, its very very hard and I usually won't say something until it's absolutely necessary. I'll usually just let something that worries me bottle up until I can't hold it in any longer.
Motor Jax
08-01-2008, 07:23 AM
good luck...
have you discuss with that person the lack of emotional connection? (i noticed your post is gender-neutral, btw)
Uytuun
08-01-2008, 09:40 AM
Only with a really unhealthy one...
psukid13
08-01-2008, 10:43 AM
Only with a really unhealthy one...
I thought about that. He doesn't really say much about his previous relationships and through various discussions, it seems like he's letting his "baggage" weigh his true personality down. But I can't do anything about it. I refuse to "save" anyone and do not expect anyone to do the same for me. Jeez...that was such an INTJ thing to say...
Uytuun
08-01-2008, 10:53 AM
I thought about that. He doesn't really say much about his previous relationships and through various discussions, it seems like he's letting his "baggage" weigh his true personality down. But I can't do anything about it. I refuse to "save" anyone and do not expect anyone to do the same for me. Jeez...that was such an INTJ thing to say...
They can be the toughest and most ruthless people around. Also insanely stubborn.
Henry
08-01-2008, 12:16 PM
So I've been reading up on the threads about INTJ/ESFJ relationships and to sum it all up, the ESFJ is needy and constantly need emotional attention while the INTJ feels like they are going to slit their wrist.
To my dismay, my ESFJ is a complete wall. Very unemotional and doesn't seem to have a sense of urgency to want to hang out or be with me. I've thought about the fact that this person may just not be into me but we've talked this through before and I received confirmation that if this was the case, we would not be together. And when we are together, we have the best time and it's on a very intimate (physically) level. It's just the lack of emotional verbiage that has me concerned.
We've been dating for 3 months and I actually have to be the one that fills the emotional gaps. And when I say something witty or "cute", I get NO response.
Has anyone else experienced this with other ESFJs? With me trying to be vocal with my emotions, its very very hard and I usually won't say something until it's absolutely necessary. I'll usually just let something that worries me bottle up until I can't hold it in any longer.
Probably just playing it coy, or genuinely not that into you. In either case, when people pull this sort of shit its best to just withdraw your attention for a few days If they're playing coy they'll panic, if she's genuinely not that into you they'll appreciate the space. In either case, its better for you.
Also, this ESFJ is a male? ESFJ is pretty soft in my experience and he may be trying to compensate, particularly is he spends time among the uneducated or "working class" folks who have a very rigid definition of masculinity.
PortInStorm
08-01-2008, 01:12 PM
So I've been reading up on the threads about INTJ/ESFJ relationships and to sum it all up, the ESFJ is needy and constantly need emotional attention while the INTJ feels like they are going to slit their wrist..
My ESFJ is also a man and I haven't found him extensively emotionally needy- quite the opposite actually.
To my dismay, my ESFJ is a complete wall. Very unemotional and doesn't seem to have a sense of urgency to want to hang out or be with me. I've thought about the fact that this person may just not be into me but we've talked this through before and I received confirmation that if this was the case, we would not be together. And when we are together, we have the best time and it's on a very intimate (physically) level. It's just the lack of emotional verbiage that has me concerned.. My husband isn't a wall, but he's isn't passionate (I'd think that be more an xSFP thing). He loves me, but it's as if the SJs don't think about things on a deep level usually, and that includes love, passion, romance etc. He doesn't have that sense of urgency it seems because he already feels secure that the relationship is legitimate and confirmed. This personality type seems to be the ultimate in "don't do anything about it unless it's already a crisis." aka head-in-the-sand (HITS syndrome) ;)
We've been dating for 3 months and I actually have to be the one that fills the emotional gaps. And when I say something witty or "cute", I get NO response.. Ya, they seem to have a totally different sense of humour. Theirs is more along the lines of physical/visual humour, sometimes the ribald, and silly kidding.
Has anyone else experienced this with other ESFJs? With me trying to be vocal with my emotions, its very very hard and I usually won't say something until it's absolutely necessary. I'll usually just let something that worries me bottle up until I can't hold it in any longer. With HITS, you'll have to take all of the initiative when it comes to expand the relationship, switching it up, doing preventative maintenance, pushing it further, doing the adult thing etc.
I've found that even though they have an F in their name, doesn't mean they feature deep personalities thoroughly versed in the romantic, genuinely in touch with their feelings. They lack the "N" introspection for that - NFs are these. Often, SJs aren't even aware of their feelings- they'll just use them to base their decisions etc on. And they don't always admit that either- they'll just grab around for any argument that supports their feelings and toss that out.
So I've been reading up on the threads about INTJ/ESFJ relationships and to sum it all up, the ESFJ is needy and constantly need emotional attention while the INTJ feels like they are going to slit their wrist.
To my dismay, my ESFJ is a complete wall. Very unemotional and doesn't seem to have a sense of urgency to want to hang out or be with me. I've thought about the fact that this person may just not be into me but we've talked this through before and I received confirmation that if this was the case, we would not be together. And when we are together, we have the best time and it's on a very intimate (physically) level. It's just the lack of emotional verbiage that has me concerned.
We've been dating for 3 months and I actually have to be the one that fills the emotional gaps. And when I say something witty or "cute", I get NO response.
Has anyone else experienced this with other ESFJs? With me trying to be vocal with my emotions, its very very hard and I usually won't say something until it's absolutely necessary. I'll usually just let something that worries me bottle up until I can't hold it in any longer.
doesn't sound like an esfj to me!
universalis
08-02-2008, 10:23 AM
doesn't sound like an esfj to me!
I agree. I dated an ESFJ for 3 years. We could only really connect through sex. They are the "typical" woman. Offload feelings everyday, I'd sit there and nod with a "oh yeah?" now and then.
Very functional and stable relationship actually. We disagreed sure, but then you just give them a hug, and don't try to argue logically, and give as well as take. I'm glad, I did it, because I learned a lot about SF relationships. Luckily she was intelligent and a bit more mature ESFJ.
However do not marry one! You will get bored.
vaguely dissatisfied
08-02-2008, 12:19 PM
Can't be an ESFJ................tell him to do the test again!
I agree. I dated an ESFJ for 3 years. We could only really connect through sex. They are the "typical" woman. Offload feelings everyday, I'd sit there and nod with a "oh yeah?" now and then.
Very functional and stable relationship actually. We disagreed sure, but then you just give them a hug, and don't try to argue logically, and give as well as take. I'm glad, I did it, because I learned a lot about SF relationships. Luckily she was intelligent and a bit more mature ESFJ.
However do not marry one! You will get bored.
yes ESFJs- the two i've known primarily related to others through the physical and not really great at communicating verbally. they were very affectionate, physical and felt rejected if you weren't interested in sexual activities with them and took a personal insult. then again, maybe that's the majority of men?
hmmmm....
anyhow, i think for INTJ women, ESFJ men are appealing because they are the stay-at-home dad types who hate the corporate world but love a good party.
attnescapists
08-03-2008, 06:59 PM
Can't be an ESFJ................tell him to do the test again!
Yeah, from that description he really does not sound like much of an ESFJ at all... What is it about him that makes you think he's an ESFJ? Or are you just going off of the test?
Frankly I can't see any man, ESFJ or not, "offloading emotions" and such typical womanese stuff.
Emotional men, if anything, "discharge" with taking offense, indignation, and levels of rage.
Let's keep in mind that the F preference is not about being weak and needy! He might just be a man who acts by his guts, intuitions, inner values, rather than by deliberate logical reasoning.
attnescapists
08-04-2008, 08:18 AM
Frankly I can't see any man, ESFJ or not, "offloading emotions" and such typical womanese stuff.
Emotional men, if anything, "discharge" with taking offense, indignation, and levels of rage.
Let's keep in mind that the F preference is not about being weak and needy! He might just be a man who acts by his guts, intuitions, inner values, rather than by deliberate logical reasoning.
All of the ESFJ men I have known have in fact been fairly emotional, always wanting to discuss their feelings and relationships with me, regardless of the level of our friendship. It's just been done in a more "manly" way.
I see what you're saying about male F's just acting by their intuition, though. I'd still like to know how/why the threadstarter typed him ESFJ.
NephilimAzrael
08-04-2008, 10:51 PM
How are you sure they are ESFJ?
universalis
08-05-2008, 02:42 AM
All of the ESFJ men I have known have in fact been fairly emotional,
Not sure if you a male or female, but ESFJ's men I've known around other men play up their machoness. Probably a defence to being all soft and emo on the inside.
hahaha
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