when does persistence turn pushy?

[peppermint13]

i've read in a lot of the "help! i like an intj" threads (some of them my own :) that intj's take persistence and patience from someone pursuing them (how's that for alliteration...). now in other situations, i'm a fairly good judge of signals and what other people are feeling. there, the boundary line is fairly clear.

so. i've read around here that to get through intj "walls" so to speak, one has to stay persistent, even when you're not receiving the signals others might give to stick with it, that there's interest in building a friendship. but are there any clues or suggestions you folks might have for making sure that you're respectful of an intj's boundaries or not overwhelming/irritating them with your interest in getting to know them/being friends?

as an infj, i know i need my time and space, and i tend to just *take it*--disappear, stop responding. so i guess those would be the signals i give out. but i tend to feel guilty about it, and to some extent, answer to their needs before my own. which might muddy the waters a bit for other people...

intj's wanna weigh in about how it works for them?

[Saint]

but are there any clues or suggestions you folks might have for making sure that you're respectful of an intj's boundaries or not overwhelming/irritating them

It really can't hurt to ask.

[novastar]

I think if an intj really likes someone and trusts them they'll completely let down their boundaries

I also think intj are fairly direct in speech, they don't play games when it comes to feelings

[Uytuun]

I highly doubt normal friendship will be possible for you guys in the near future...you're interested, he's at least interested on some level...

[Seppuku Savant]

This is very individual. For me, anything small can end up being perceived as pushy or invasion of my space/privacy. You should ask your person of interest, in a clear and direct manner.

[Synamon]

I can only speak for myself, but I like persistence. In fact, things other people would think of as intrusive like sending me an email every day or asking me to do something again even if I said no the first time, are perfectly acceptable to me. If I really don't like a specific behavior or if it has crossed the line to pushy then I will tell someone to stop. If I don't tell you to stop then you are not at the line. Oh and the line moves, sorry about that. LOL

If I let someone in, then their attention is something I want, just not necessarily in that moment. When my husband first asked me to marry him (after dating for 4 years) I said no. Not because I didn't want to marry him, because I already knew that I did, just because I wanted to discuss it with him first. Yes, I'm impossible.

One of the common denominators I've read on this forum which applies to me as well as a signal of interest (as a friend or as more) is spending time with someone or at least staying in contact with them. We INTJ's value our time alone so if we are with you, we care.

[Saint]

Well then try this, peppermint:

If you mostly talk online, don't start a conversation with him for a week. See if he talks to you instead.

He may give you a "nice" answer to questions like "hey, am i irritating you?" But if he starts conversations with you online of his own free will, then you have a better indication that its not a one-sided relationship.

[ElstonGunn]

To me, the difference between persistence and pushiness is coercion. It's not there in any significant quantity when you're being persistent. Pushiness would involve trying to force him into liking you, as opposed to clearly and consistently reminding him that you're interested in him.

[enfpchick]

When you want to slap the person to just stop.

[JoeyDude]

Well then try this, peppermint:

If you mostly talk online, don't start a conversation with him for a week. See if he talks to you instead.

I second that. I realize this might not make sense but what can be attractive, at least to me, is appearing that you have other things going on in your life than obsessing about me. Like if you already made plans to do something and he asks you if you want to do something else just say, "Sorry but I already made plans, but we can get together another time."