crazy love vs stalker

[fluffy pillow]

A little backstory,

So my gf broke up with me after 1,5 years because she was raped (not by me). She couldn't live with herself and tried to kill herself several times. Regardless of what had happend I still wanted to be with her. She did admit she still loved me, but she said it would be better if I just moved on because she had nothing to offer me. Did I forget to mention she is an INTJ. I guess love alone was not enough to persuade her she was all I ever wanted no matter the circumstances.

Our relationship was great before the incident. She would set me straight with pure logic when my mind was a mess. And on my turn I would encourage and support her. Pahaha.. that makes it sound like she was wearing the pants. I assure you, I was wearing the pants!

She told me to move on. But I was thinking about going to see her anyways. But everytime we did talk after the incident we just ended up with negative emotions (sadness). So I don't want to burden her with my presence. And thinking about going to see her while she told me not to made me feel like a stalker. It is after all against her wishes.

Now comes the real question:
Lady's and gentleman, what is the difference between a stalker and a crazy lover. I mean sometimes people do crazy things out of love right? And woman go, awww!!.. really? he did that? But when it's a stalker they go, oohh!!.. omg really? wtf is wrong with him!

Also:
Have you ever been stalked.. Or have you ever been the stalker?

[storm eyes]

She is asking you for the space she needs and wants, let her know you are there for her if she needs or wants, until then just leave it alone, it seems she has some things she has to work through for herself.

I was stalked for a very long time. Not fun.

[ManWithNoName]

A crazy lover can take no for an answer because they understand reality and make decisions based upon it. A stalker can't, they've built up this imaginary relationship and imaginary world in their mind which is not reflective of reality.

Just let her know you are there for her. She wants to move on so just focus on the present or the future, not the past. You represent the past to her so I'd try to somehow begin to represent more the present or future or something. Just keep in touch every once and a while to catch up and things like this. She needs time to heal and probably needs the help of a professional who's unbiased and removed from the situation and so can help her guide her through it. If she really likes you once she's better she'll probably go back to you.

The reality of the situation is not pleasant nor fun but ignore it and yeah you enter the realm of stalker.

[fluffy pillow]

The reality of the situation is not pleasant nor fun but ignore it and yeah you enter the realm of stalker.

lol thanks, atleast now I know.

[AnaK]

A great movie to watch is Men Don't Leave. Jessica Lange's character would have drowned if people had given her the space she asked for. I love that movie.

My Mother suffered from depression for a while and we got into horrible fights because I refused to leave her alone and let her bury her head in the sand. She later told me because of my persistance, she had the best 10 years of her life. My brother had a serious drug problem, he also said he needed space, and I refused. He is much better now, and he actually gave me a card and wrote that I saved his life.

People in trouble always want space. They always want you to butt out and mind your own business. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Does she want to put her life on hold forever because she was raped? That's like letting the rapist murder you too.

[storm eyes]

Having been raped, she has already had her personal boundaries violated. From what you have said she seems to be trying to recreate her boundaries after trauma, respect them, respect her.

[vern]

I am being stalked presently and have been stalked by this party for twenty two months now. That is twenty two months actively or to my knowledge, and I don't know for how long before that. I know my stalker well and can answer your questions.

The not take no for an answer and delusional are both true in my case, my stalker thinks that I am bipolar because the real me does not behave like his delusional one.

Unfortunately it is very difficult to tell, or prove that this is not just some normal love thing or love gone crazy. I mean this man brought me a fur coat...it is not a bad thing to most people however if you knew me at all you would know I don't like gifts, I don't like flashy items they make me very uncomfortable, but my stalker is shallow, he is a sociopath and it is the delusion he is obsessed with, not the actual me.

[monkeysox]

I would give her the space she is asking for and not listen to encouragement that people who are drowning need to be surrounded by people. Crazy love, in this situation, would be best demonstrated by letting her go but still loving her. If you have to question whether its stalking or crazy love, its stalking, and stalking her would be no different at this point to her than being raped again. She is an introvert, just like you, so you should understand that when an introvert is asking for space they NEED space. There is no read between the lines pleading to be smothered.

[fluffy pillow]

She is asking you for the space she needs and wants, let her know you are there for her if she needs or wants, until then just leave it alone, it seems she has some things she has to work through for herself.

I was stalked for a very long time. Not fun.

Yea, I do try to, or find it necessary, not only for her but also for myself to get some breathing space sometimes. It was for a long time really hard to accept that my relationship with her was distroyed by other men. But as the time passed there was nothing left for me but to face facts. And I did change the terms of my love, I though, you know what? I do still love you, but I don't need a romantic relationship from you. I just want you to be ok.




A great movie to watch is Men Don't Leave. Jessica Lange's character would have drowned if people had given her the space she asked for. I love that movie.

My Mother suffered from depression for a while and we got into horrible fights because I refused to leave her alone and let her bury her head in the sand. She later told me because of my persistance, she had the best 10 years of her life. My brother had a serious drug problem, he also said he needed space, and I refused. He is much better now, and he actually gave me a card and wrote that I saved his life.

People in trouble always want space. They always want you to butt out and mind your own business. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Does she want to put her life on hold forever because she was raped? That's like letting the rapist murder you too.

Thank the lord for you, the typical (x)NFP. They say your type can read peoples actions really well. And you definitely hit the spot for me. I'm sorry to hear that your mother suffered from depression and that your brother had drug abuse problems. But I am glad you had the strength to help them. That says allot about your character.

For me It's not that I am looking for a romantic relationship with her. That is not the reason at all, I left that behind me. What I do want is for her to have a certain level of well being. So she doesn't have to feel like she's worthless all the time.

And yes, I will watch that movie. ;)




Having been raped, she has already had her personal boundaries violated. From what you have said she seems to be trying to recreate her boundaries after trauma, respect them, respect her.

As written above, I do want to give her space. But one of my concerns is that if I give in and let go it will also affect her negatively. For example, she has said things like "I am nothing now" "Maybe it would be better for everyone if I just died" "I am a burden". Now let's say that I don't counter those words with a "Nobody would be better off without you, we (her family and myself) care about you so much". Than the negative words would ring through her head and we'd have another suicide attempt pretty soon.

Recently (like a month ago) after surgery the doctors informed her family that she had been cutting herself with a knife (obviously as a way of coping). I asked her family to find and remove what ever it was she was cutting herself with and explain to her that they did it because they loved her. I understand that you have to respect the boundaries of rape victums because their boundaries and sense of security have been breached to an unimaginable extent. But if I did not play a role, than it would have been worse. We're both INFJ's, you know what our ability to care for others can do.



I am being stalked presently and have been stalked by this party for twenty two months now. That is twenty two months actively or to my knowledge, and I don't know for how long before that. I know my stalker well and can answer your questions.

The not take no for an answer and delusional are both true in my case, my stalker thinks that I am bipolar because the real me does not behave like his delusional one.

Unfortunately it is very difficult to tell, or prove that this is not just some normal love thing or love gone crazy. I mean this man brought me a fur coat...it is not a bad thing to most people however if you knew me at all you would know I don't like gifts, I don't like flashy items they make me very uncomfortable, but my stalker is shallow, he is a sociopath and it is the delusion he is obsessed with, not the actual me.

Oh woaw vern, that guy sounds scary.

On the other hand, you hit a home run!! the ball goes flying out of the stadium! woooo!~ I think you made the difference very clear.

A stalker:
- Doesn't know the real you.
- Is delusional, thinking he/she has a relationship with you or seeing you a certain way which is not true to reality.
- If he/she is an ex lover that is living in the past.
- Not very intelligent (lol just a guess).

Crazy lover:
- Know's you well enough to know what the you will like.
- Must know you for a while. (Otherwise it would be weird for him/her to know so much about you).
- Must look like or resemble Hugh Grant.

---------- Post added 08-20-2011 at 11:41 AM ----------

I would give her the space she is asking for and not listen to encouragement that people who are drowning need to be surrounded by people. Crazy love, in this situation, would be best demonstrated by letting her go but still loving her. If you have to question whether its stalking or crazy love, its stalking, and stalking her would be no different at this point to her than being raped again. She is an introvert, just like you, so you should understand that when an introvert is asking for space they NEED space. There is no read between the lines pleading to be smothered.

Aaahhwaadoobiibeediibaa.. :faint:

I don't actually stalk her like stalking is discribed on this thread. Of course she needs space, I do get that. Do you know rape victums lose allot of friends and sometimes family? People don't see them as the same person anymore or can't/don't want to deal with the emotional burden. So she has lost allot of the people she used to be connected with. Good, bad, whatever it may be. There is sense in the need for space. But I still think cutting lose would be a bad thing aswell.

I am urged to say, maybe the right answer is somewhere inbetween cutting lose and holding on. Contact with moderation, the balanced appraoch.

[AnaK]

I think stalking would have a stealth, covert component. And would be physically intimidating. I'm not sure checking up on her would be stalking.

[vern]

My stalker is an ENTJ, he is intelligent, he is hyper-vigilant beyond belief, he is stealthy, fast, and is physically intimidating. The emotions are over the top but it is the fear in the man that causes me the most concern, he is at essence a very frightened human being and this is what drives him and creates the violence. He is also an adrenaline junky so he gets a high from this behaviour. He insists on winning and of course has a criminal record and behaves in a criminal manner in more than just his misguided relationships. He is also quite personable and people like him, or fear him but he can switch from calm and easy to deadly in a flash and knows when it is time to change face.

Your girl friend likely was raped by someone a lot like my special friend, I totally understand where she is coming from, it is not a nice thing to have had happen to her. People don't understand and when you try to talk about it to anyone who is a friend it horrifies them, they do not behave in a way that is comforting to an intj women. You need to let her be but stay in touch, there will come a time when she feels ready to reclaim her life. In the meantime educate yourself as well as you can as to what has happened to her and how to best be a supportive friend when she lets you. She has to call the shots, the act she was subjected to was an act of violence and control, he took a part of her away and it is up to her to re-find that part.

For me, I need my friends and family to stand back right now, for there own safety of course, but I have contact and that helps. After I relocate and feel safe I will then I will begin to work through the process alone or with professional aid, but mostly alone because I am an intj and I don't want a bunch of huggy, weepy, group affection thing, I want to play with my brain, become strong and go back to being myself, someone oblivious to the art of coupling, good or bad.

[fluffy pillow]

My stalker is an ENTJ, he is intelligent, he is hyper-vigilant beyond belief, he is stealthy, fast, and is physically intimidating. The emotions are over the top but it is the fear in the man that causes me the most concern, he is at essence a very frightened human being and this is what drives him and creates the violence. He is also an adrenaline junky so he gets a high from this behaviour. He insists on winning and of course has a criminal record and behaves in a criminal manner in more than just his misguided relationships. He is also quite personable and people like him, or fear him but he can switch from calm and easy to deadly in a flash and knows when it is time to change face.

Your girl friend likely was raped by someone a lot like my special friend, I totally understand where she is coming from, it is not a nice thing to have had happen to her. People don't understand and when you try to talk about it to anyone who is a friend it horrifies them, they do not behave in a way that is comforting to an intj women. You need to let her be but stay in touch, there will come a time when she feels ready to reclaim her life. In the meantime educate yourself as well as you can as to what has happened to her and how to best be a supportive friend when she lets you. She has to call the shots, the act she was subjected to was an act of violence and control, he took a part of her away and it is up to her to re-find that part.

For me, I need my friends and family to stand back right now, for there own safety of course, but I have contact and that helps. After I relocate and feel safe I will then I will begin to work through the process alone or with professional aid, but mostly alone because I am an intj and I don't want a bunch of huggy, weepy, group affection thing, I want to play with my brain, become strong and go back to being myself, someone oblivious to the art of coupling, good or bad.

What a creep, I hope your able to get rid of him.

And thank you for the advice, I will take it to heart.