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View Full Version : I couldnt figure me out so here I am..


Bandit
06-19-2008, 12:58 PM
Ok, the run down on me...

Your personality type is INTJ.
Introverted (I) 93% Extraverted (E) 7%
Intuitive (N) 55% Sensing (S) 45%
Thinking (T) 95% Feeling (F) 5%
Judging (J) 82% Perceiving (P) 18%


Prior Military 9 years in the Marine Corps.. I left after being offered a reenlistment bonus of 15k, simply for the reason that I found it to be restrictive on my future growth... ie..

At the the time I needed the military as I was a teenage thug.
The kind of guy you didn’t' want your daughter to date... fighting at the drop of a hat. Only interested in putting your little girls feetprints on the roof of my car. I was/am extreme user of women

I found friendships that didn’t' involve me utilizing the other person as a tool to do my bidding almost impossible.. , I was actually able to control and convince weaker minded individuals to commit offenses such as purse snatching and armed robbery..

Luckily though I never got seriously hemmed up for my actions as a youth and was able to join the Marine Corps... thus I straightened out my life to a point and any desire for criminal activity ceased.. (although hindsight being 20/20, I believe that I never really had a desire for illegal activity, just a desire to see what kind of stupid things I could actually get people to do in order to impress or please me)..

Let me go back even further...

I'm an only child, lived on a farm in Athens (Hull Georgia) as a kid with no neighbors... just the dogs, horses, and such... parents were both cops, then truck drivers, so I was a bit of a latchkey kid. There was a black baby sitter that would come by on occasion with her daughters, they were 15 at the time and would take me out behind the barn to play with my mushroom cap, and have me go down on them.. My father was extremely abusive of both me and my mother, even going so far as to handcuff and beat her in front of me as a child.. He was also a juvenile diabetic, thus he is insulin dependent and found things such as taking his injection and falling to the floor pretending to be dead extremely amusing... even to the point of making me cry thinking that I had just lost my dad, as I had no real understanding of diabetes and insulin injections at the time.. Inevitably he would stand up laughing and tell me not to be such a pussy...

Parents divorced when I was eight, and my mother was given custody.. however my father came to my school and kidnapped me.. and took me to Missouri.. where he remarried an extremely abusive lady, who had a daughter of her own, two years younger than myself.. My stepmothers favorite pastime was to engage herself in tormenting me by creating fictious stories of my misdeeds to inform my father so that he would whoop my ass when he got home from work.. as well as just being a female tyrant so far as I was concerned...

This I suppose was also about the time that I learned or was taught that being violent solved a lot of problems.. A bully in my neighborhood made kicking my ass his daily past time... well up until my dad found out.. At which time I was informed that no son of his would be a pussy.. So his answer to the problem was teaching me the ability to pull out "RAGE" and use it as I desired.. this was accomplished by him slapping me around with his hands until I cried, and then slapping me harder and pushing me around until I exploded into a rage ( only then would he stop)..or taking a "Tonka Truck" grasping it by the axles and beating me with that, again only relenting when I flew into a violent rage.. Shortly there after learning this valuable life lesson my issues with the bully ceased when I kicked the living shit out of him... and continued beating him after he fell, only stopping when I was forcibly pulled off.. (my first real rage against a person and it scared me what I was capable of doing), I just seemed to escape inside myself during rage, I felt no pain, no sorrow, no mercy... just a machine chugging along until the work was done.. I had numerous fights in high school as well, which is probably how I ended up being accepted by the wrong crowd.. the same individuals that I was later able to manipulate into doing my bidding...

During my tenure in the hell house, I got along with my step sister to a point although I was able to manipulate her as well to a point.. and found her to be a bit of a nuisance... We screwed around a little bit as kids since we were very close in age and coming into our sexuality... sneaking down to the parents room to peak at the dirty video tapes and trying to reenact scenes from them.. up to and including intercourse... I also managed to have sex with my one of my friends mom on numerous occasions during this time frame in my life to.. I was 14 and she was 29.. (parents wondered why I always wanted to spend the night over at his house)... lol.. and he wondered why I always slept in his moms room... lol...

I was allowed to see my mom during the summers... (summer visitation).. this I now believe was a welcome break from the toils of my daily life as a kid.. I visited her twice over the course of two years before secretly making a decision to stay on the next trip or third trip.. The morning of the trip that I knew I wouldn’t be coming back from I was making eggs when my step mother at the time came into the kitchen, and decided to hit me in the head with a coffee mug because I had placed the spoons in the knife place on the dish holder after washing them.. I exploded and through her over the kitchen table, pushed her down, held her with the rape choke and had a cast iron skillet in my other hand before the terror in her eyes actually pierced through me just enough to snap me out of the moment.. I then grabbed what I could of my stuff caught a cab to the bus station and was off.. never to return... I was 14..

I did receive a call from my dad a few weeks later, where he informed me that since I decided to live with my mom that I was no longer his son, and that he had no need for further dialogue with me.. which in all honesty.. I didn’t care.. Well, the situation at the new home with mom and my step dad and his son and daughter wasn’t a picnic either.. as he was abusive of my mother as well..(My mom is a real loser, in that she loved to pick abusive men) the only difference being that he only tried laying his hands on me once...
During a dinner he backhanded me as he didn’t seem to have an appreciation for my sarcastic wit or the fact that I was many times more intelligent than him and roughly the same size... I responded by taking my lick, walking out side to the horse barn and grabbing a maul... (A cross between a blunt axe, and a 12 pound sledge hammer) I then walked back in the house, into the kitchen and smashed it right down through the center of the kitchen table, while they were still seated.. (man that made a mess, mash potatoes, green beans, went everywhere) step brother and sister went scurrying away like roaches with the lights turned on and my step dad looked at me in disbelief and I saw fear.. which is what I wanted... from the point on he never put his hands on me again.. or my mom in my presence..

Other than that things on the farm were for the most part uneventful.. some fights here and there but nothing spectacular...rode horses, competed in shows, barrel racing, pole bending, rode bulls.. etc. I'm an avid horse rider...

At 16 my mom and step dad separated and my mom moved to Atlanta Georgia.. just a bit west of my original home which was Athens Ga... unfortunately this time it was the city.. Marrietta to be exact, and I attended Wheeler High School..


This I had hoped would be kind of a home coming, in that I was finally back in Georgia.. but it turned out that coming from the farms into a big city high school isn’t no picnic.. Thus I got even more tough real quick, and learned to really hate blacks (a feeling which has diminishd as I have matured).. as the inner city blacks seemed to have a serious grudge against me.. I won a few and lost of few.. took some licks, and gave some better ones, but managed to establish the fact that fucking with me wasn’t going to be a walk in the park.. no matter who you were.. and that I was the type of guy that would beat you after you were unconscious... Thus I was readily accepted by the wrong crowd.. (a small group of want to be skin heads, with a lot of hate and no real leader).. this lead me to my little juvenile crime spree, thefts, home invasions, armed robberies (usually we would catch the night shift manager in the parking lot leaving the store in the evening with the days deposits for the bank) I will say that I am thankful no one was ever hurt..., fights, and carrying a .44 bulldog in my waste band at 17 etc... oddly enough I managed to maintain straight A's in school up until senior year when I decided that I just didn’t care and that school was boring..

I finished off my Georgia Highschool career when I got into an altercation with the principle where I struck him.. thus two days later I erased a message on the answering machine to my mom from the superintendent stating that I was expelled and not invited back... My mom eventually found out, and moved out on me.. (literally) I would go out for 2,3 6 days at a time without calling or checking in... the last time I did I came home to find an empty house.. (all except my stuff and $200 on the table in an envelope.) with a cheesy letter about she didn’t know what to do with me, learning life’s lessons etc...

Well I was stumped as to what to do, so I called my grandmother and she arranged for me to finish high school at an alternative school in Florida..(for us socially non compatible kids..lol).. Well it didn’t take the teachers long to figure out that although socially I was a screw up, I was also extremely intelligent.. so I became the teachers pet so to speak.. Well this would lead to an incident in which one of the girls attending this school made a comment about it, to which I used my natural sarcasm and some remarks about her growing up to be a worn out crack whore to cut her off.. she escalated, and slapped me, I in turn used a left hook to tattoo her into the floor..

Again I was asked to leave school, luckily one of the teachers there showed some mercy and gave me a huge stack of work packets to complete for credit towards graduation.. (to do at home).. it took me about a week to finish these and return them.. the school mailed me a diploma..

Well I was slated to go into the Marines in July as presumably that is generally a short while after school lets out.. I however managed to finish up all of these packets in December and had 6 months to do nothing.. so I worked for my grandfather painting houses.. and spent most of my free time fucking off, but managing to stay out of trouble..

This I suppose is when I first discovered my gifts (with women) that is.. in that I was always able to have a girl when I needed one.. not a problem.. getting laid was unbelievably easy for me... even though I was pretty reserved and didn’t go out much, preferring to stay to myself..

All it took was a little conversation or for me to take an interest in the conquest and the deal was done.. I will cover this in more detail later....

Well I made it into the Marines, and found that this was an extremely interesting career choice.. and something that I was good at.. I partied with a very select few, tending to only have one real friend at any given time, the rest being acquaintances or items for my amusement... I rose through the ranks quickly stationed in Japan the whole time.. picking up SSGT in 5 years.. I got married and I lateral moved to EOD and finished my time in the service.


Married.. interesting.. back to the girl think I discussed earlier.. I soon learned that one of my greatest abilities was the ability to weave dreams... ie.. I could be anything that I needed to be for a female to accept me and eventually sleep with me.. Almost to the point of being able to morph my personality during the beginning to achieve my objective....
Its not that I am extremely handsome, probably a 7 on the 1-10 scale, 5’9 185 muscular build, but not buff… I was a gym rat a lot of my life… but what I did was that I handed out promises, hope, and perceived caring, like a soup at a homeless kitchen.. it meant nothing other than I got what I wanted... I slept with a lot of women, during this time.. well over 50 I'm sure.. Many of which became ensnarled with the hope, that I was the one, and fell needlessly for me.. I in turn reciprocated the feelings until I had no further use, and just went on to the next project... sometimes taking extreme amusement in their emotional torment..

During this time I met my wife... beautiful girl, kind, gentle, sweet, and perhaps the most unfortunate victim of me to date.. Not a whole lot of story here, other than she has never wronged me, and I was always so pissed that no matter how much I turned on the Judgmental portion of my personality she never wronged or faulted me.. hanging in, when more intelligent women would have cut and run... On a side note, I did not marry her because I loved her, I married because she thought I loved her, but because my objective was to spend more time overseas.. and the only way to do this was to get married and get an accompanied tour.. so in a sick twisted kind of way, I used her to accomplish a business goal..

Through our entire marriage I have probably never been faithful for more than 2 months at a stretch.. having cheated on her with more than 100 women over the course of our ten year relationship.. currently the last strange that I got was 4 weeks ago from a girl I've been banging on and off for a few years.. who amazingly is hoping upon hope that I will change and be the one for her as well... (She doesn’t know I'm married) just thinks I have a live in girlfriend that I am not content with.. Oh and yeah I still had plenty of other women during this time frame as well... I have never been caught. suspicions have been raised but I think when a spouse asks questions along these lines.. that they probably really want you to lie to them as the truth would shatter them..

Sexually I would say I’m a bit of a freak.. I’ve done or tried everything imaginable with women.. two ways, three ways, me and two girls, two guys and a girl, gang bangs, toys, videos.. the whole gambit.. all with willing partners.. I had a phase where I picked up a lot of lesbian and bisexual chics… in the bedroom I can be Jekyll or Hide.. I prefer to be a tender, gentle lover, that loves nothing more than to pleasure my partner, with lot’s of foreplay, questions, kissing etc.. or I can be the guy that donkey punches a girl in the ribs and suddenly rams it in her ass.. it just depends on who she is and what mood I’m in…. as for experience.. well aside from being a man whore, and being with a lot of women.. I studied the art, read books… and did everything I could imagine to increase not only my skill but my knowledge in that area.. I wanted to master it… be all that I could be… lol.. I’m not hung like a mule or anything.. just a touch over 6 inches and thicker than most.. but enough to get the mission accomplished… I always got a rise from being told I was the best they ever had.. this of course would be followed in the coming weeks with letters, comments or email to the effect that I am the “greatest mind fuck of all” as I was never really here nor there.. with them… I kept relationships under my control and on my terms at all times… and rationed out my time to females.. like it was a precious gift, that they should be so lucky…

Yes I am probably well aware the some of you reading this think that I am a sociopath with is probably true. however I do have a conscience, but only with a select few. I sit and think, and wonder and analyze my actions, and cannot understand what impulse leads me to continually pursue them. I can’t understand why I cannot truly feel for someone the way that I know that I should.. I don’t want to hurt those that I am close too.. as I feel that some including my wife have put in to much time and effort and thus are not deserving of being cut loose with nothing for their investment of time..

Believe it or not to meet me you would have no idea.. as I am able to easily hold a conversation about a variety of topics, very articulate with my speech.. and highly intelligent with an IQ in the low 160’s… I have always been successful in business, and done quite well at anything that I have ever chosen to do.. and have always been compassionate of animals..

When I left the Corps I decided to get a Scott Trade account and learn the market… starting out with 5k I managed to amass 650k over the next two years.. but I found it boring staring at little charts, reading IBD everyday etc.. thus is became extremely mundane… so I decided to try real estate.. I have always been extremely skilled with my hands so I began buying fixer uppers and flipping them on the market.. I did well here as well but soon tired of this.. So I purchased a commercial building and opened my own business.. taking care of animals… (I have always felt a special affinity toward animals..) anyways I opened a dog daycare and the first year pulled 200k in sales from my newest project.. Now I find myself at 30 years old, two years into the business.. dissatisfied with its progress and have listed it for sale.. With the goal of opening up another more grand facility in a demographically better location… I have written books, and software and profited from every imaginable aspect of the business… so I have always been fortunate with any endeavor that I have ever chosen to pursue..

I suppose the reason that I am writing all this is that I am perhaps coming into self awareness now. As I have so many choices on the table, and to some extent have rationalized.. analyzed and looked at them from every possible angle.. without coming to a clear solution…

I suppose at 30 I have a desire to start life over.. ie.. try again but this time from the morally right side of the fence.. I have an over powering urge to complete this business sale, sell my house, furniture assets etc.. convert all to cash and head for a new area.. a new pasture a new life.. tell the wife to pack her shit and go and just start completely over… from scratch…

Bandit
06-19-2008, 12:59 PM
(LAST PART IT CUT ME OFF FOR HAVING TO MANY CHARACTERS)......

Not that I don’t love her on some level, but I don’t want her to waste the rest of her life trying to make me happy or hanging on to me.. She deserves more than I will ever be able to give her emotionally… and we are not the right people for each other.. complete opposites in every imaginable way… perhaps this is one reason for my sexual adventures in that I was always looking for something that I did not have.. yet I never managed to find it…

I take that back.. I almost found it once in one girl she was everything that I imagined a woman should be.. although younger than I at 21 we seemed to click and were so much the same on almost every level.. same fucked up child hoods, same views, so much commonality that it scared me yet drew me in at the same time.. I think she was an ESTJ.. I have as of yet not pursued that on a more interactive level even though she knows my situation (the whole situation, wife and all) and has let me know that the door for more is open, perhaps because I don’t won’t to squander the chance.. (which is a stark contrast from the me which would have just dicked her down and forgot about her).. hell I nailed my current wife on the second date in a parking lot in my car… but I also don’t believe the maturity level here is what I am looking for, nor do I want to ruin another life, especially one with so much ahead of her by tangling her up with me.. or perhaps I fear that she is just seeing the me that she wants to see, and that by nature I have once again morphed my personality to be what she needs.

So basically I have no clue what to do.. I can’t find and answer that makes sense.. my currently home life is comfortable.. no doubt about it.. no drama.. I’m taken care of… and this may be a reason that I continue on with it as I don’t like home drama…I like a stable house..

However inside, I know that it is time to move on.. and have already cut (abruptly so) the vast majority of the emotional connections that I have with my wife.. to me she is just there now…. We live together, and do all the other husband wife things.. but I feel nothing at all for her.. yet I don’t want to destroy her either, and perhaps I feel guilt for the thought of forcing her out of her perceived happiness…

So what is the life of an INTJ… (misery would be my best guess)… all the gifts to do everything but none of the emotion to enjoy it…

I have taken the Meyers Briggs numerous times over the course of the past ten years and it always pops up the same…. I am also a powerful choleric on another personality test… and a Pisces, and left handed.. but this is my story….comments are welcome..

Mafiaangel180
06-19-2008, 02:33 PM
Wow, you should get this published. :D

Welcome!

kubrickfan
06-19-2008, 04:40 PM
(LAST PART IT CUT ME OFF FOR HAVING TO MANY CHARACTERS)......

However inside, I know that it is time to move on.. and have already cut (abruptly so) the vast majority of the emotional connections that I have with my wife.. to me she is just there now…. We live together, and do all the other husband wife things.. but I feel nothing at all for her.. yet I don’t want to destroy her either, and perhaps I feel guilt for the thought of forcing her out of her perceived happiness…

So what is the life of an INTJ… (misery would be my best guess)… all the gifts to do everything but none of the emotion to enjoy it…

I have taken the Meyers Briggs numerous times over the course of the past ten years and it always pops up the same…. I am also a powerful choleric on another personality test… and a Pisces, and left handed.. but this is my story….comments are welcome..


That the conclusion I coming to believe to. i had to end a relationship with a friend that felt I was too painful to be around. But I think that is who we are. Never able to find ourselves. Of course I could just be a little over dramatic.

Welcome to where you will most likely fit in.

fonmaneal
06-19-2008, 07:54 PM
I liked your post, but it was a little wordy.
My only suggestion is, that you know what you should do.
You know what will make you happy.
So, why are you doing what others think will make you happy?
I'll spare you the rest of my psyho. blah blah.
You are the master of your ship. Sail it where thou willst.

Welcome, and well met.:)

Oscarvan
06-19-2008, 11:30 PM
So what is the life of an INTJ… (misery would be my best guess)… all the gifts to do everything but none of the emotion to enjoy it…

Nope. You can learn. Welcome. Been there done some of that. All seems a long time ago now, maybe because it is. Time is your friend.

Bandit
06-20-2008, 07:33 AM
I liked your post, but it was a little wordy.
My only suggestion is, that you know what you should do.
You know what will make you happy.
So, why are you doing what others think will make you happy?
I'll spare you the rest of my psyho. blah blah.
You are the master of your ship. Sail it where thou willst.

Welcome, and well met.:)

Wordy perhaps, however I wanted to convey the full picture from start to finish.. This way I figured it would give individuals at the very least a best guess scenario of what got me to where I am. I to the time to read alot of posts on here prior to actually joining the forum.. but the one piece of knowledge that most people tended to omit was there childhood experiences and who they actually were..

Sure the would give tidbits of information regarding a specific scenario, or situation. Yet this provided no insight (to me) into why they handled it in a specific way.. So I would agree that it was a lengthy post, but one designed to convey the full message of what I am and perhaps why I am, what I am..

Lastly... I am not quite sure where you read into it that I am doing what others think will make me happy. As for your pscho babble.. please feel free to express your full opinion as I intend to learn from others so as I may come up with a suitable solution and pursue the best course of action..

Freak87
06-20-2008, 07:57 AM
wow. i would say, think about love in a different way than you have before- think about what you already have that you might want and the consequence of losing it. that is an amazing story. I am sorry about all that stuff when you were younger- that is unfortunate. I too, believe you could publish a book. good luck on your search. hope you find what you are looking for. for me personally, it's all about my spirituality/faith.

Bandit
06-20-2008, 08:17 AM
Nope. You can learn. Welcome. Been there done some of that. All seems a long time ago now, maybe because it is. Time is your friend.

I think that perhaps you are right in that one could learn emotion, but at that point it would be more of an autonomic response to a given stimuli more than a genuine emotion..

It's hard for me to express I suppose that I do know that somewhere there perhaps is a deep longing for something more.. or something more tangilble from a relationship along the lines of feeling..

But many a time have I had a woman look at me, straight in the eyes an tell me from her soul that she cared, or wanted to be with me etc... sometimes with or without tears.. In that instant my mind kicks into quick diversion mode by spitting out the situationally appropriate rhetoric such as "me too" or "I feel the same way".. when in actuallity I'm silently running through scenarios, debating probabilities, trying to understand the why of the current situation..etc..

I don't think that you can learn emotion, it is perhaps something that you have or dont' have.. I do feel in my case that I may be lucky in the fact that I am not a complete sociopath.. in that I know there is some pinge of feeling in there somewhere, and that I do have a conscience to some extent.. yet I still manage to leave a path of emotional destruction in my wake...eerily similiar to Sherman's March to the Sea...

athenian200
06-20-2008, 08:52 AM
Honestly, I don't think you're a sociopath. I think you're damaged because of your childhood, had bad examples, and unconsciously just took out all your pain on other people. It very much sounds like you were acting out an ESxP shadow most of your life. This is nothing like most INTJ's natural behavior.

I've never been involved with any of the sort of things you have, but there are things about what you said that I empathize with. Mainly the part that you can make yourself act as another person wants, and say the right thing, but you're really analyzing them rather than just feeling what you expressed. I've learned that part of this is due to my tendency to project my emotions onto others in order to "read" them. So in other words, the fact that you could tell what they were feeling was an expression of the feeling in yourself as well. Just because you were still able to separate from it and move on each time (and even still process clearly while feeling it), doesn't mean part of you didn't feel it in that moment. That's probably why you still ponder it at times, wondering what your behavior meant. It's more an expression of the multiplicity of thought that Ni is capable of, and that's why it seems so different from what most people experience as emotion, especially with the weak connection to people from the past... Ni is future-oriented. In fact, that you rejected them so callously, despite projecting your own emotions onto them, may be more an expression that you hated yourself and life. It may have been a way of trying to hurt yourself by hurting them, since you couldn't feel your own emotions very directly.

Anyway, you may never feel emotions exactly as others do, but that doesn't mean that the way you do feel them is not valid. It's just different.

Bandit
06-20-2008, 10:27 AM
I would like to say that I am pleasently supprised and uplifted by the members of the forum.. In so much that no one, not even a woman (not trying to say "woman" in a degrading fashion, it is just that those are the ones that I have hurt the most and was expecting a female forum member in here to blast me for what I have done in the past).. has taken a single negative or child like shot at me.. For that I would very much like to say thank you for showing such maturity and understanding.. even though some of my past actions could border on the lines of evil...

Honestly, I don't think you're a sociopath. I think you're damaged because of your childhood, had bad examples, and unconsciously just took out all your pain on other people. It very much sounds like you were acting out an ESxP shadow most of your life. This is nothing like most INTJ's natural behavior.

I just finished reading the basic traits of the ESxP types.. and although some of it could be read to fit me.. or better yet fit my actions it does not.. I am an extremely private person, (going so far as to insure all the blinds and curtains are drawn closed when I'm in my home).. it really bugs me if they are open...as people can see inside... I am not naturally gregarious and outgoing... but can play the role....

I do find alot of truth to what you said.. in that upon thinking about it who I am and who I show people are completely different things... When taking the Meyers Briggs there is no need to impress or manipulate, so the answers that you give on the test are for the most part an acurate reflection of your "True" belief system... while in public you need to go with the most accurate and effective strategy to blend in and accomplish your goals.. thus you may act out the traits of a personality that you are not, and the personality that the world needs you to be in order to complete whatever mission needs completing and win.. So I would aggree that there is a possibility that I may act out the traits of another type in order to get by, win, or survive.. whatever the case may be..

I've never been involved with any of the sort of things you have, but there are things about what you said that I empathize with.
Nor would I wish them on you, or anyone else.. I feel that my experiences have made me extremely tough in alot of ways and goofed me up in alot of ways. I tend to look down on, show no remorse for or perhaps even torment those that came from more stable upbringings.. as a twisted side of me feels that perhaps they don't deserve their current position, status, life etc.. or that they didnt really earn it... (which I know this line of thought is as fucked up as a football bat).. but unmistakably and unshakably it is part of me..



Mainly the part that you can make yourself act as another person wants, and say the right thing, but you're really analyzing them rather than just feeling what you expressed. I've learned that part of this is due to my tendency to project my emotions onto others in order to "read" them. So in other words, the fact that you could tell what they were feeling was an expression of the feeling in yourself as well. Just because you were still able to separate from it and move on each time (and even still process clearly while feeling it), doesn't mean part of you didn't feel it in that moment. That's probably why you still ponder it at times, wondering what your behavior meant. It's more an expression of the multiplicity of thought that Ni is capable of, and that's why it seems so different from what most people experience as emotion, especially with the weak connection to people from the past....

This was an interesting paragraph, and after thinking about it I believe that the ability to project emotions on to someone is accurate to a point.. but I feel that an even more accurate expression would be the ability to mirror emotion with a negative/positive charge.. In saying that I mean that I can take the emotion that you are giving, process it.. and apply the appropriate charge to it for attraction when I reflect it back... Sometimes yes, I truley feel the emotions but only outwardly in the moment, even in impossible situations.. where inwardly I know that it is just a fling and I am using a female.. I will legitimately feel love, or caring... yet as soon as I am out of the moment.. ie.. walking out the door after doing what I came to do.. It's gone... and replaced by amusement... (sick I know).. but there is hope I guess as I am here.. and writing down all this horseshit for the world to see... maybe grasping at a glimmer of hope to be stable and truley feel what others feel when the are caught up with me.. I envy and pity them at the same time... :-( This ability to project emotions is by far the most effective and dangerous weapon that I would say that I have...

In order to do what I have done in the past, it's so very similiar too.. a small seed landing in a crack in the rocks... but from that small seed an entire tree can grow and split the rocks into pebbles.... That is what I do.. I find that crack in a female.. be it emotional needs, physical dissatisfaction, child hood sexual abuse, abusive spouses, the need to succeed etc.. I find that one little crack and from there I project emotion, and empathy back into it until it splits wide open... Then I leave.....


Ni is future-oriented. In fact, that you rejected them so callously, despite projecting your own emotions onto them, may be more an expression that you hated yourself and life. It may have been a way of trying to hurt yourself by hurting them, since you couldn't feel your own emotions very directly.

Anyway, you may never feel emotions exactly as others do, but that doesn't mean that the way you do feel them is not valid. It's just different.

Agreed to a point.. I am future oriented and I live on what may be, what I can create and what I can do.. everything is negotiable and the sky is the limit.. I don't know that I necessarily hate myself.. I just hate what I do especially when I know that it is not the right thing to do.. I feel jaded, and screwed over to a point.. and perhaps I go around trying to share a little of that pain with others... Life.. well I suppose that I do hate life to a point.. even with all the successes that I have had, I never seem to enjoy life.. I never take vacations, I never take me time, I never do any of that stuff that other people do.. there is no family time.. there is only work time and time to work towards a goal (which I have yet to figure out what that goal is, but I chug away building and creating things in hope of finding whatever it is that I need, and whatever it is that will satisfy this insatiable urge to work and succeed).. My family life is 2 and maybe a distant 3rd to moving up in life...

Oh in case any one is wondering... (I never had children).. that was a decision that I made a long time ago.. as I know how much anger I have inside of me.. and I would never want a child experience what I did.. Also the world as we no it now it pretty much useless anyway.. Dudes marrying Dudes, crime, a complete and utter decay in moral values.. I wouldnt want to add further polution to our already convoluted and ethically bankrupt society.. This has also been a hard point of contention in our marriage.. as my wife comes from stable upbringings, (The Leave it to Beaver Family)... She has 3 brothers and took care of them, and did the house chores, and life is {was :-( }
for her finding a good man, and raising a family.. A thought that absolutely will not happen with me... Many an argument have arrised over this subject.. to which my response is.. "If that is something you want, you need to find someone else" end of story...

As for feeling emotions differently... I don't know.. Different isn't always a good thing... I would rather truley and sincerely feel them as others.. so at the very least I would know what it is like.. and perhaps appreciate it and fill the void.. and break the pattern...

Jakalwarrior
06-20-2008, 11:42 AM
You do describe some pretty mean actions but you sandwhich it between a story of a bad childhood and the will to understand your actions and make it stop. You act like a sociopath but I don't think you are one. You are conscious of your actions and know they are wrong. You also appear to possess empathy.
In my opinion you would benefit from a therapist, but I don't think you would do well under one that that you didn't consider to be atleast your equal mentally. It still might be worth pursuing though if you think you can respect the person enough for the therapy to work.

Hang around for a bit and work on some self discovery. Maybe a good dose of self reflection will help you fix yourself. Just make sure when you glance inward you aren't too judgemental of yourself. Remember that past actions don't define who you are now.
I am guessing that is why you want to move? to start over? to get away from the havok caused by the thing inside you that makes you act the way you sometimes do? The reason I suggested a shrink is because sometimes it helps to have guidance, support, and somone to talk to you when you delve into your own darkness. Its fairly easy to drown in your own mind if you have no one to pull you back out.

Bandit
06-20-2008, 01:55 PM
Interesting.. I have at time thought about using a "Shrink" but then again, I also realize that I have met some pretty stupid people with a college degree and/or a doctorate.. Not that attending higher education isnt a good thing, it however does not make one more intellegent than they are ready are.. speaking purely from the standpoint of natural attributes and intellegence.

Also as with everything else in society, the rates that they charge I'm sure would be exhorbatant, and they would as with any business (or person dependent upon their business to support themselves) try and whoo you in for multiple sessions... increasing the cost in terms of finance and time on my part....

I also feel that talking to a head doctor one on one.. would put me into a situation in which I would feel the need to compete.. ie.. figure them out, what makes them tick.. a game of mental chess which would probably pit my raw will power and intellegence against their training and skill.. Amusing or entertaining as it might be.. I don't think any real progress would be made.. In the event that they did make a break through or touch a nerve.. I would probably lash out..

I think the current forum and debate are probably more help than you know... As it's non confrontational.. and the general populus here tends to be extraordinarily mature and non judgemental.. I actually feel a tinge of acceptance from the crowd here.. which is something that I am not normally accustomed to....

Delving into my own darkness is a scary thought indeed, there are alot of things that I don't necessarily want to pull up or out.. It would also seem as though it has the propensity to set one on a downward spiral....

Jakalwarrior
06-20-2008, 02:54 PM
Delving into my own darkness is a scary thought indeed, there are alot of things that I don't necessarily want to pull up or out.. It would also seem as though it has the propensity to set one on a downward spiral....

Yes it does. Its a very delicate matter. You are a smart guy with a relfective personality type though, im sure you will handle things over time. In my opinion, we are probably one of the few personality types that would be able to fully recover.

Avid
06-20-2008, 03:08 PM
Many of the women here are of a different breed then the women of the general populace. Which isn't to say we are better...just different. I hope you don't mind long posts.

That being said the whole "using women" bit of your story isn't what hit me. I have a stepdad that honestly has a very similar history as you. My dad died in a work related accident right after my 6th birthday. My mother moves us back to where the root of her family lived and met/married a new guy. It is kind of rude to reply a story with a story but maybe it will be something useful.

His mother was basically an insane, crackwhore and his dad is possibly the biggest douche I will ever know. His parents were never married but were together for a bit and his father was abusive verbally and physically. So his mother moves out and this becomes some constant thing..always changing out houses. She kept him home from school and told him things like she was dying and could die anyday, he was stupid, he was worthless, and it is all his fault his little sister/brother did <whatever it is they did>. She had boyfriends here and there that would throw him into walls and beat him. She did die when he was in his older teens from some drug issue. So he and his siblings went to live with his dad for a time where a whole new wave of mental terroist attacks began for him. He ended up enlisting in the navy and his brother and sister got swapped around in foster homes for a few years since their father didn't want to mess with them since he had some new wife and all. For the sake of keeping this somewhat brief I'll skip around...So he gets out he visits his dad several times over the years which just results in him being called worthless, stupid, etc. He has been in and out of jail for DWI arrests and petty crimes (which he got out of quickly and I think it had more to do with the crowd that swallowed him). He was bullied (he is a rather small man), used women to fill a void he didn't understand, wanted kids but was scared of being a father.. For an observer it appears he has abandonment issues, self esteem issues, problems with letting anyone love him, or him loving someone properly. I still don't quite understand my mom's relationship with him. Although, if someone never shows you love properly how can you ever claim to know how to?

I would have been one screwed up kid if he was the only father I had ever known. He was always so unfair in how he treated me compared with my brother. My whole life was this hell with this damaged man as my torturer. Little kids grow up being scared of monsters and things under their bed while I grew up scared of my stepdad. His moods were volatile and his mental attacks were relentless but in reality it just made me fight back harder. I became paranoid around the 3rd grade when his attacks were verging on physical. I became obssessed with working out and being in shape. LOL, I was this little bitty tiny girl with a rock hard body from endless hours swimming in my pool, running track, soccer, speedskating and lifting weights. I was also highly aggressive when something confrontational came up. There is some other stuff in there I'll just go ahead and skip.

Anyway, He never got better and never tried a head shrink. Even if he did I doubt they would be any help because he isn't aware of the problem. He blames everyone and everthing else outside of himself. I have full faith that unlike him...you can work it out since you are aware of the things that you don't like. You are fully aware of what you do that hurts people and seem to want to change it. I went through a period in my life where I had to sort out my demons so I wasn't inadvertantly poisoning the people around me. I also had emotional issues since I turned into some emotionless shell after my dad died and it took me a good many years to rediscover them. I viewed people as some fragile thing that would just die and make me hurt more or be alive and torture me. I admit my experience was no where near the level as yours but I think you have the awareness and discipline to work it out.

Monte314
06-20-2008, 07:39 PM
?

athenian200
06-21-2008, 04:09 AM
I do find alot of truth to what you said.. in that upon thinking about it who I am and who I show people are completely different things... When taking the Meyers Briggs there is no need to impress or manipulate, so the answers that you give on the test are for the most part an acurate reflection of your "True" belief system... while in public you need to go with the most accurate and effective strategy to blend in and accomplish your goals.. thus you may act out the traits of a personality that you are not, and the personality that the world needs you to be in order to complete whatever mission needs completing and win.. So I would aggree that there is a possibility that I may act out the traits of another type in order to get by, win, or survive.. whatever the case may be..

Sounds about right.


Nor would I wish them on you, or anyone else.. I feel that my experiences have made me extremely tough in alot of ways and goofed me up in alot of ways. I tend to look down on, show no remorse for or perhaps even torment those that came from more stable upbringings.. as a twisted side of me feels that perhaps they don't deserve their current position, status, life etc.. or that they didnt really earn it... (which I know this line of thought is as fucked up as a football bat).. but unmistakably and unshakably it is part of me..

That's understandable. Part of it is jealousy, part of it is the knowing that your experiences have forced you to become so strong that they are nothing compared to you. You are definitely better than them in terms of intellect and resiliency... the question is, are those qualities the most important ones, ultimately?



This was an interesting paragraph, and after thinking about it I believe that the ability to project emotions on to someone is accurate to a point.. but I feel that an even more accurate expression would be the ability to mirror emotion with a negative/positive charge.. In saying that I mean that I can take the emotion that you are giving, process it.. and apply the appropriate charge to it for attraction when I reflect it back... Sometimes yes, I truley feel the emotions but only outwardly in the moment, even in impossible situations.. where inwardly I know that it is just a fling and I am using a female.. I will legitimately feel love, or caring... yet as soon as I am out of the moment.. ie.. walking out the door after doing what I came to do.. It's gone... and replaced by amusement... (sick I know).. but there is hope I guess as I am here.. and writing down all this horseshit for the world to see... maybe grasping at a glimmer of hope to be stable and truley feel what others feel when the are caught up with me.. I envy and pity them at the same time... :-( This ability to project emotions is by far the most effective and dangerous weapon that I would say that I have...

Yes, I understand how that could work, enable you to get a desired reaction... just as I thought. I do have a few questions, though... why do you want to be able to feel what they feel? What would it benefit you? Haven't you learned from your experiences that such emotions are just a weakness? Do you not believe that the suckers who fall for you deserve to be taken for being so gullible and vulnerable? Why would you want to become a sucker? Are you not superior for being able to extract pleasure from life more efficiently?

In order to do what I have done in the past, it's so very similiar too.. a small seed landing in a crack in the rocks... but from that small seed an entire tree can grow and split the rocks into pebbles.... That is what I do.. I find that crack in a female.. be it emotional needs, physical dissatisfaction, child hood sexual abuse, abusive spouses, the need to succeed etc.. I find that one little crack and from there I project emotion, and empathy back into it until it splits wide open... Then I leave.....

Yes, that can be very effective... but tell me, why is it you can feel where those cracks are so well? Why do you enjoy breaking them? Is it because you believe that weak people deserve to be broken over and over again until they learn to be strong? Is it because you enjoy it? What kind of joy does it feel like?

Agreed to a point.. I am future oriented and I live on what may be, what I can create and what I can do.. everything is negotiable and the sky is the limit.. I don't know that I necessarily hate myself.. I just hate what I do especially when I know that it is not the right thing to do.. I feel jaded, and screwed over to a point.. and perhaps I go around trying to share a little of that pain with others... Life.. well I suppose that I do hate life to a point.. even with all the successes that I have had, I never seem to enjoy life.. I never take vacations, I never take me time, I never do any of that stuff that other people do.. there is no family time.. there is only work time and time to work towards a goal (which I have yet to figure out what that goal is, but I chug away building and creating things in hope of finding whatever it is that I need, and whatever it is that will satisfy this insatiable urge to work and succeed).. My family life is 2 and maybe a distant 3rd to moving up in life...

Part of this is a good way to be... being future oriented and everything. The problem is that you never get any real pleasure from life. So what you have to do is, figure out what's making all your victories hollow and try to remedy it. If you don't like what you're doing, do something else. You can't change the past, just try to be who you want to be, not who you've been if that's no longer who you want to be.

As for feeling emotions differently... I don't know.. Different isn't always a good thing... I would rather truley and sincerely feel them as others.. so at the very least I would know what it is like.. and perhaps appreciate it and fill the void.. and break the pattern...

But what makes the feelings of others more sincere and true? The fact that they're inhibited by them, and can't let go even if they want to? In every other way, your feelings are just as real as theirs. Why do you dislike the void? Why do you want to break the pattern? Is it simply because someone told you your feelings were the wrong ones? Why do you trust them?

Bandit
06-21-2008, 01:52 PM
Sounds about right.
That's understandable. Part of it is jealousy, part of it is the knowing that your experiences have forced you to become so strong that they are nothing compared to you. You are definitely better than them in terms of intellect and resiliency... the question is, are those qualities the most important ones, ultimately?

I will take the question as, Are intellect and resiliency the most important qualities? As far as survival I would say that yes they probably are, as far as co-existing meaningfully with the other humans in harmony. Probably not..

Intellect and resiliency are great when you view the entire world as a predator and prey scenario..



Yes, I understand how that could work, enable you to get a desired reaction... just as I thought. I do have a few questions, though... why do you want to be able to feel what they feel?

That is the question..

What would it benefit you?

Perhaps provide me with the ability to truley feel empathy..

Haven't you learned from your experiences that such emotions are just a weakness?

I believe that they are, but I also believe that they can in some instances be ones greatest strength.. in that when all else fails they fall back to their feelings to get them through a given situation. Unfortunantly not everything can be completely quantified using logic, thus at times unsolveable loops are formed. Which for me is extremely difficult to deal with.. Thus I would assume that individuals that are not totally guided by the desire to figure things out first in the head, simply go with their feelings in a given situation to get them through.. "a round about complex goofy answer I know"

Do you not believe that the suckers who fall for you deserve to be taken for being so gullible and vulnerable?

I do believe that the vast majority are suckers, especially when they follow a specific pattern that always has the same result. I have at times in the past taken full advantage of individuals that had no such pattern.. I for lack of a better word was their first experience at love or caring.. thus I probably set in motion a pattern for the future..

Why would you want to become a sucker?
I don't think that is a realistic possibility..

Are you not superior for being able to extract pleasure from life more efficiently?

The issue at hand is extracting pleasure.. I don't necessarily think pleasure would be the correct term.. more along the lines of satisfaction..


Yes, that can be very effective... but tell me, why is it you can feel where those cracks are so well?

People tell you.. all you have to do is listen.. Not a great science to it, but due to human nature people want to talk, want to relate, and want to relay what it is that they feel.. The real trick is just listening to what they say, then use patterning and previous experience and come up with the most likely answer..

Why do you enjoy breaking them? Is it because you believe that weak people deserve to be broken over and over again until they learn to be strong?

This question is actually kind of odd, in that you attempt to answer it based on your perception of my thoughts.. but to answer it my way..

I suppose that I do/did enjoy it, it was a game.. mental chess and the object was to win. The emotions of the individual were not as important as the objective, which was to win. I would not say that they necessarily deserve to be hurt, however I did tend to use that as a way of rationalizing my actions post mortem, whenever the "why did I do that?" thoughts began to creep in.. or when friends would look at you and tell you that what you did was cold...

Is it because you enjoy it? What kind of joy does it feel like?

Joy? is an emotion caused by the rational prospect of possessing what we love or desire; Not Joy... More along the lines of a smug sense of self satisfaction and self worth I suppose.. but nothing joyfull or glamourous..


But what makes the feelings of others more sincere and true?
I would say the fact that they are guided by them.

The fact that they're inhibited by them, and can't let go even if they want to? True, I answered the previous before reading down to this one.. It seems as though it is so over powering for them, that they can literaly wrap their lives around emotion.. but for me I cannot understand it.. everything either is or is not.. Maybe even the why? what is it that makes them act that way.. is there something that I am missing.. lastly since I'm typing random thoughts.. I understand hurt, I just don't understand why they choose to hurt instead of letting go..

In every other way, your feelings are just as real as theirs. Why do you dislike the void?

It's boring, listless and empty.. (perhaps hollow would be a better word).. at some point one begins to look for more, as the boredom become stifling..

Why do you want to break the pattern?
Simple, because it leads to a non productive result. There is only one of me and I suppose I would like to enjoy things with someone.. or at least relate to them on a level in which they could understand me.

Is it simply because someone told you your feelings were the wrong ones?
People have been telling me that for years... One of the better quotes that I heard in reference to me.. was "There is a special place in hell, for people like you".. simple, to the point, but tends to make one think..

Why do you trust them? I don't, but what I have done so far has not resulted in much in the way of creating a meaningful relationship in which I can truley be open, honest, perhaps even vulnerable again. So I this would lead me to believe that there must be a better way.. not attempting to go with the herd, and readily accept societies views of normality.. but there has to be a better way to do things, that would lead to a more productive and meaningful existence.

Jakalwarrior
06-23-2008, 03:59 PM
I might be able to help on the empathy thing.

Pick something you did to somone in the past. Now apply your total intellect to all you know about people and the behaviors as well as the persons response after your actions so you can figure out exactly what it is that they felt.

Now put yourself in their shoes and what would you feel?

If its vastly different then that may be the problem. It may not be that you lack empathy, it may be that you do what most people do and just apply the situation to yourself hypothetically to judge it, but that is never completely accurate, especially if you repress your own feelings or have some other emotional problem.
Instead you might try judging just the power and types of the emotion that your intellect tells you will be or was inflicted, and test that on yourself instead of testing the situation and seeing what emotions spawn because even if you try to augment those to compensate for personality differences it is rarely enough. If you can't even remember what some emotions origionally felt like though, it might get even more difficult. It is also rare that anyone feels things exactly the same way or reacts the same way as another person. Just ponder on it though. Maybe your empathy emotion simulator is mis-calibrated.

psuedoluminary
06-25-2008, 10:39 AM
I have two conjectures, first, I don't believe you are an INTJ because you are way too rash, you concentrate on fullfilling your senses too much, you are stuck in the past and are very close-minded. I think you really want to be an INTJ, in order to excuse so poor behaviors or your past, but you really aren't.

HOWEVER (second conjecture), that being said, you may actually be an INTJ under horrible dueress and/or in the midst of alcoholism or drug addiction.

Either way, I think you need therapy. If you are truely a sociopath you will not benefit from it, but if you are a HEALTHY INTJ you will likely find it insightful, useful and enlightening.

Bandit
06-25-2008, 02:01 PM
I have two conjectures, first, I don't believe you are an INTJ because you are way too rash, you concentrate on fullfilling your senses too much, you are stuck in the past and are very close-minded. I think you really want to be an INTJ, in order to excuse so poor behaviors or your past, but you really aren't.

HOWEVER (second conjecture), that being said, you may actually be an INTJ under horrible dueress and/or in the midst of alcoholism or drug addiction.

Either way, I think you need therapy. If you are truely a sociopath you will not benefit from it, but if you are a HEALTHY INTJ you will likely find it insightful, useful and enlightening.

To be completely honest, I have never abused or used in an unhealthy fashion any form of illicit narcotics, pain killers, weed, LSD, or anthing along those lines.. I never found there to be any real benefit in inducing once self into stupidity..

I don't quite get your definition of Rash...

psuedoluminary
06-25-2008, 03:03 PM
To be completely honest, I have never abused or used in an unhealthy fashion any form of illicit narcotics, pain killers, weed, LSD, or anthing along those lines.. I never found there to be any real benefit in inducing once self into stupidity..

I don't quite get your definition of Rash...


*shrug*

Many INTJ's are prone to substance abuse and other behaviors that are self-destructive, obsessive, compulsive, and self-damaging (such as random and illicit sex). Your certainly have made me scratch my head.

Thanks for the reply.

ElGuyay
06-25-2008, 03:08 PM
tl;dr

azelismia
06-26-2008, 12:26 AM
I think that perhaps you are right in that one could learn emotion, but at that point it would be more of an autonomic response to a given stimuli more than a genuine emotion..

It's hard for me to express I suppose that I do know that somewhere there perhaps is a deep longing for something more.. or something more tangilble from a relationship along the lines of feeling..

But many a time have I had a woman look at me, straight in the eyes an tell me from her soul that she cared, or wanted to be with me etc... sometimes with or without tears.. In that instant my mind kicks into quick diversion mode by spitting out the situationally appropriate rhetoric such as "me too" or "I feel the same way".. when in actuallity I'm silently running through scenarios, debating probabilities, trying to understand the why of the current situation..etc..

I don't think that you can learn emotion, it is perhaps something that you have or dont' have.. I do feel in my case that I may be lucky in the fact that I am not a complete sociopath.. in that I know there is some pinge of feeling in there somewhere, and that I do have a conscience to some extent.. yet I still manage to leave a path of emotional destruction in my wake...eerily similiar to Sherman's March to the Sea...


Sociopath is not synonymous with INTJ. the two share some similarities on the page but they are not the same. Because a T has a preference for thinking does not mean that he does not feel. it just means in decision making they tend to value rationality over emotionality. You sound like you're just a straight case sociopath. You should seek mental help. there are drugs out there that can help with the emotional cut off. you probably also need/could be benefited by counseling/therapy.





azelismia added to this post, 24 minutes and 4 seconds later...

To be completely honest, I have never abused or used in an unhealthy fashion any form of illicit narcotics, pain killers, weed, LSD, or anthing along those lines.. I never found there to be any real benefit in inducing once self into stupidity..

I don't quite get your definition of Rash...


as in you do things that don't make a lot of sense and that could have serious consequences to make yourself feel better/good. your narrative doesn't sound very intj. it does sound very Es though. I have to agree with pseudoluminary. your entire life seems to be based on sensing. you want to experience more so you marry your wife so you can go around the world. it's all about using women. Beating people up. so on and so forth. I don't see the intellectual in this narrative. I don't see the intuitive in this narrative. You are a good writer though, I'll give you that.. again though, even that isn't a terribly INTJ trait.

OvermindDL1
06-26-2008, 02:18 AM
I also say that I have never been interested in such self-destructive behaviors. I am 25, never drank, never done drugs, never etc..., and quite frankly such things do not make sense to me, and being as they do not make sense to me I do not see how they would make sense to many other INTJs as well, the slightest bit of thinking should make that obvious. Admittedly, my knowledge on the subject is lacking, but this is from personal experience.

Bandit
06-26-2008, 07:26 AM
In my scenario I think that experiences within life can change how you percieve and or react to the world but I don't think that it can change your basic wiring and how your mind interprets and processes information on the most basic level.

enfpchick
06-26-2008, 11:03 AM
WoW :scared:

I just don't know what to say right now. Your life experiences makes mine look like I have been living on Sesame Street.

Apathy
07-21-2008, 10:04 AM
What about using your intelligence and resilience for doing good? Everything can be either used in good or bad ways for example E=mc2. Using your 'psychopathic' powers for good might awake your dormant empathic muscle. You know what they say, 'practice makes perfect'. Maybe you will never experience it as subconciously as normal people would but that's the downside of your heightened perception, you consciously see what other people unconciously feel, but emotions are not by definition entirely unconcious. You have an affinity for animals, what about going into politics and improving their rights or becoming a vet? You can empathise from first hand experience what it is like to experience a troubled youth, what about mentoring abused children or helping abused women break loose from their patterns? I think you would be very proficient in that having seen both sides of the equation. Do you think you would feel proud if a woman would thank you on her knees for your help in freeing her and her children? If not, what if you did it again, and again?

Bandit
07-21-2008, 10:22 AM
I do have an affinity for animal as such I operate a series of luxury pet boarding facilities across 3 states..

As for being a social worker or helping people break loose from patterns in which they set themselves up for.. I think not, if they don't have the will power or intestinal fortitude to leave a destructive situation and escape, then near as I can figure they deserve what is coming to them.

Apathy
07-21-2008, 10:34 AM
I don't believe in free will so I don't think anyone deserves to have abuse coming to them. I think that if you would have been born with exactly the same DNA and in exactly the same situation as them, then you would be them, as they would have been you if they had been in your situation. That's how I rationalise empathy. I can't logically attest blame to anyone, even if they're murdering peadophiles. But I do think they should be kept out of society though for reasons other then revenge.

I would see helping those people as therapy for yourself. Young children growing up in good families had loving parents to teach them the ropes of the emotion game. You had not, maybe it is too late and you have missed your train. Or maybe it is not and showing compassion will teach you how to be compassionate from the inside out.

1. Did you become who you are today because you had to constantly take care of your own needs ( and not receive any from others ) or 2. did you constantly take care of your own needs not accepting other's help because you were born this way?

It's a kind of chicken and the egg thing. Anyway, I think 1. is much more likely considering your abusive childhood. In this case it is a learned behavior and in theory could be unlearned. And the only way I can think of unlearning such behavior is doing to the exact opposite: taking care of other's needs as opposed to your own.