enfj needs help understanding her istj!

[snailsrbest]

Hey there peeps, I was in a long distance r/ship with my istj for a couple of years and now I have moved to Paris to be with him, all up we have been together 4 yrs or so, so far its been 2 months now living in the same city and this is the first big issue we r dealing with.
Basically he is a control freak! Didnt realise actually just how bad it was, everything has to be perfect, if u accidentally do something like drop something u will be looked down upon or given a look like, 'how could u be so stupid?'.
Now dont get me wrong I love this guy, but his controlling behaviour and perfectionism is constant. I just want some advice if this is a deeper rooted issue he has or if its simply his personality..or just a mix of being a Parisian guy and an ISTJ lol
The problem has been going on for a while I guess but didnt realise, and it is about how I dress and look in general. I guess I got used to being away from him for so long I slipped back into being 'comfortable' and stopped caring too much about how I looked. He has dropped hints over the last couple of months, asking if I want my hair done or if he can buy me some lingerie or new clothes or make up etc. He did buy me a new wardrobe for my birthday which was great, but I didnt realise it was a message for me to make more of an effort to look nice for him. So yesterday he texted me about 20 messages in a row one after the other saying 'if i dont tell u now it wont ever get done, i have tried many ways to tell u but u dont listen or care, ur make up isnt done properly sometimes, u dont do ur feet, and u have only worn lingerie with me twice. Ur hair isnt done and u need to get rid of that bad piece of skin on ur arm. Why should u make an effort for other ppl and not me?' blah blah list went on and on. In the end I was like, well what do u actually like about me!! It was very harsh and I told my friend and she was like, wow that is damaging to ur self esteem! R u sure u like this guy?
The thing is I already know he can be an ass sometimes, well for a feeler anyway, he is very direct and cant hold back the truth, he has trouble lying even about something u sometimes SHOULD lie about, like if a fat chik asked him if she was fat he would say yes without a doubt and wouldnt flinch..
So again, is this a guy thing, an ISTJ thing or something else!!!
Help appreciated cheers.

[themuzicman]

Why are you asking this on an INTJ forum?

[fwiffo]

So again, is this a guy thing, an ISTJ thing or something else!!!
Help appreciated cheers.

Being an ISTJ, a "thinking" type, or even a male is not an excuse to be a controlling jerk. It sounds like he needs help learning how to compromise in a relationship, and you need help learning how to stand up for yourself.

[VelvetAcidVixen]

Have you told him how his behavior makes you feel?

[Contemplative]

I've known a lot of I/ESTJs, and they're all rigid. In my experience, I've had to stand up to them and assert my rights.

However, this sounds excessive, even for an XSTJ. I've got to echo your friend. Are you sure you like this guy?

[snailsrbest]

hey velvetacidvixen, am going to write down my feelings, but need to write down what im going to say..

[Reddkatz]

You can just always say "please stop trying to micromanage everything I do? I do appreciate it, but you are overdoing it."?

[snailsrbest]

Thanks Reddkatz, will jot that down, he definitely micromanages!

[Sinequanon]

Yes, that sounds like behavior within the normal range for an ISTJ.

[Fubudis]

This guy sounds like a dick and the relationship seems unhealthy.

[VelvetAcidVixen]

I say try talking to him. It's worth a shot! If he doesn't listen to you or gets angry and if he won't change, then he's a dick and you should leave the relationship.

[ManWithNoName]

ur make up isnt done properly sometimes, u dont do ur feet, and u have only worn lingerie with me twice. Ur hair isnt done and u need to get rid of that bad piece of skin on ur arm. Why should u make an effort for other ppl and not me?'

To me this is starting to sound unhealthy as he seems to be accusing you of dressing up on purpose for other people and not him when seems a bit paranoid. This sounds like he may have deeper jealously and control issues but it's hard to tell.

How controlling is he in other area's of the relationship besides what you wear. Does he get mad when you want to hang out with your friends or hang out alone with friends of the opposite sex? Does he always want to know where you are at all times and what you are doing and demand constant texting or communication? Does he continually reprimand you and call you names if you make a mistake? Does he even still do it when you try to please him and make your best attempt? Does he forbid you from doing certain activities or going out?

Right now from what you have said it seems like he's very focused on appearance. I do think as fwiffo said you need to tell him and make him realize that you can't dress up all the time and compromise with him a bit on when you will be dressing up and assert yourself as you're not his Barbie Doll. However it's hard to tell if the he is just a bit controlling or if the relationship is actually unhealthy until you answer some of the above things I mentioned.

[Jamo]

The tone in your writing makes it seem like he is stern/mean/rude about everything that he is saying. The ENFP's I know also tend to exaggerate perceived emotions. If he is being stern/mean/rude, he needs to change and change fast. If he isn't being stern, then tell him you don't like him controlling all the little things in your life.

I would be very wary of this guy....

[1superkawaii]

It looks like he has a lot of issues. If you want to work on this relationship write down everything about him you dont like and one for you and trade one issue on each list with the same value. Say if you get monthly pedicures he'll do something you want once a month. If you dress up every day he has to stop nitpicking every day.

[AltoidaMintera]

My boss at work is an ISTJ, and he and I have had multiple discussions about personality and how others perceive each other. He told me that when he was younger, he didn't have a "filter" and sometimes got into trouble for saying whatever crossed his mind. These days, he is very "politically correct" but if you ask him to be straight with you, he gives great feedback (because its honest and usually objective.) There are pros and cons to dealing with this kind of person. On one hand, you always know where you stand with them, they are less likely to mislead and deceive you. On the other hand, if you are doing something they perceive as a "change" from your original traits, they will also be the ones to call you on it. The situation is never black and white, likely the answer is in the grey area in the middle: you are probably "letting yourself go" a bit, and he's also noticing every little detail (hallmark of an ST-type) and telling you it bothers him.