The INTJ Meat Market

[Mogura]

Happy Friday Everyone! TGIF!!!

There's a lot of threads regarding dating INTJs, dealing with cross-MBTI relationships, and attraction to INTJs. I thought I'd start a light-hearted thread/discussion about meeting INTJs. The Introverted aspect of INTJs means that this topic may not be as straightforward as it may seem (go figure!).

Anyway, as a public service for our non-INTJ friends who happen to be seeking out relationships with INTJs (yeah, I'm baffled by that concept as well...), it might be a good idea to give our non-INTJ friends a little insight as to what's going on in our minds, and what ultimately "gets" us.

For purposes of clarification, "meeting" shall be defined as "making a first-time acquaintance with a single individual for whom a romantic relationship is the desired goal".

Some topics for discussion:

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

4. Non-INTJs, feel free to probe our thoughts and minds on this subject. After all this thread is for you.

I'll go first. Geeky as it may sound I always fancied bookshops as prime hunting ground. My friends (mostly bar-going E's) thought I was insane at the concept. My rationale was this, "Have you ever met a shallow or stupid person at a bookstore?" Plus, if you spy some hottie in your same section, then at least you have some common ground to make your entry ("Oh fractals! I live for fractals!"). This was an observation I made long ago during my college years. This was before coffeeshops in bookstores became so prevalent. But now the coffeeshops make it even easier ("Hey, would you like to discuss fractals and chaos theory over a mocha java? My treat..."). Another thing is that women usually have their guard down in bookshops (unlike nightclubs). But that can be a two-edged sword ("Why is this guy hitting on me in a bookshop?!?"). Anyway, my Spiel.

I abhor bars and nightclubs--the smoke, the meatmarket aspect, the attitudes, the cheeseballs that frequent such places. "Body condom? No, thanks... Isn't BSG on tonight anyway?" I abhor the Internet, too. The whole concept of using technology to facilitate social interaction is flawed (this is my F side more than my T side at work here, so don't expect a rational explanation as to why I believe so). Plus, it's all to easy to pretend to be someone that one is not. I will concede that there are a lot of happy marriages that started out as Internet relationships. But as for me, I just don't get it.

Damn, I should have listed "Star Trek Conventions" as a poll option, but isn't that more of an INTP thing? Anyway...

My discernable failures are always at work. That's understandable because when I'm at work I am in full TJ mode. To colleagues I imagine that I come across as concise, serious, focused, factual, sarcastic, and sometimes arrogant--not a fun guy, I know. But I don't try to initiate romantic relationships at work, so maybe I shouldn't discount the office as a failure (I have a strict, "Don't screw the crew." philosophy in place). I have just noticed that over the years none of the lasses have developed an interest in me. Well, there's always the bookshops.

On the romantic side of things, I always thought it would be neat to meet someone on an airplane flight. Of course, the return trip would be better suited to that purpose. Unfortunately, for some odd reason I always end up getting seated next to old people. I blame the programming of the airline's seat allocation system:

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Seat 7B = "Crusty"

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Goto Subroutine placing "Single and Definitely Looking Hottie" in Seat 99D

[sriv]

I'll just answer them all. :p

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?


Internet. :embarassed:


2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?


A toga party.


3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?


I do not take enough intiative, nor do I have the motivation to keep it going, nor can people connect with me easily without similar interests or hobbies.


4. Non-INTJs, feel free to probe our thoughts and minds on this subject. After all this thread is for you.

:thumbsdown: *prod, prod, probe*
:speechless:

[anthamac]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?
I prefer being introduced by a mutual acquaintance. I like to know a bit about who I am meeting and have a review of sorts from someone who knows them. I would also prefer it be someplace where we can sit and talk or walk and talk but nothing busy. I don't want to see a movie and have to sit in silence or play some sort of sport because for one I can't stand that sort of thing and for two it's important to me to get to know a person through conversation. I just can't do that through throwing around pig-skin or sitting in the dark without a word.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?
Besides the above, spontaneous encounters where I am caught off guard.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?
I would have to say silence. If a good conversation isn't there than it's pointless to me.

Hope that made at least a little sense. :)

[LionsPride]

Hmmm, ideal situation...

Forced interaction for sure. I need to feel like the person didn't need to speak to me, but had to for some specific purpose. So conversations starters with me might be:
At Parties:
- "I seem to have lost the people I came with, you didn't happen to see so-and-so did you?"
- "Did you taste this dish? Is it good?"
At Work
- "Do you mind giving me a hand with Excel, I hear you know your way around the program"

After I respond, the next comment should be a humourous one followed by a bit of laughing and witty banter. After that's over, the conversation can go on like it would with any non INTJ person. The less small talky the better and I need to have the impression that the person is actually cares to know the answer and isn't just asking because it's a social custom. Som bad questions to ask would be things like "where do you live" or "what do you do" and better ones would be "Have you seen any good movies lately?" or "Have you tried the such and such restaurant". A person could keep my attention all night if they slowly worked the conversation from what movie I liked to something more philosophy or sociological based.

Never, NEVER start a conversation with a compliment.

[sriv]

Never, NEVER start a conversation with a compliment.

Unless you want to attract an ESFP.

[Elfrun]

I thought I'd start a light-hearted thread/discussion
You had me at light-hearted :thumbsup:

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?
Comfortable, quiet, sociable. The one exception to this is live music events, if I meet someone at a local gig I'm generally quite willing to chat and wouldn't feel like I was in a meat market cause everyone's there to see a show not pick up - it's my 'bookstore' ;)

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?
Pub, clubs and public transport. Drunk is NOT pretty guys - that said there are always exceptions to the rule, it's the atmosphere at pubs and clubs that turns me off.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?
Got dragged to pubs and clubs = surrounded with drunk guys actively trying to score.

4. Non-INTJs, feel free to probe our thoughts and minds on this subject. After all this thread is for you.
Ain't no one probing me :suspicious:

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Seat 7B = "Crusty"

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Goto Subroutine placing "Single and Definitely Looking Hottie" in Seat 99D
ME TOO! I'm usually in a chatty mode on a plane and would strike up a conversation given the right seat mate.



[sorry, I couldn't help myself, I had to pick prision :rolleyes:]

[SeaCzar]

Prison. LOL!!

I am so much happier being single its not funny, but I answered recreational activities. At least you have something in common.

[Homini Lupus]

I would say that the ideal place for meeting people is any place that somewhat discriminates them. I mean, if I go to an hooligan meeting, I won't find very likely intellectuals, so if I want to find an intellectual i should go in a place that discriminates in a different way, creating a different group. I also prefer meeting places where there's already a programmed activity since I don't like surprises and prefer to know in advance what I'm supposed to do. Given that, I don't have many meeting places; in my experience if I go in a "meeting place" like a pub etc. I interact only with people I took with me, while in parties or things like that I often don't interact at all or worse I become object of attention because of my weird behaviour, but object doesn't mean subject, even if I know that by my point of view I'm right and they're weird.

Now about the more interesting point, the patterns of success and failure.
Failure is obvious everywhere people is supposed to behave in a statistically normal way wich is to say every place where the meeting is based on first impressions. I noticed that generally women look at me (I'm quite fit), then at my clothes and if they weren't already disgusted by it a few lines of conversations are enough to make them think I'm completely insane.
There's some possibility of success in meetings where you have some more time to express yourself, since that gives the time for people to understand that what I say is not so senseless. But too often women who get interested that way want to change me and give it up when they understand that I'm not going to change.
Best chances are where knowledge and skill are required, since I generally am at least on average level so I can play the game on a more fair ground and make a show of myself, and I look much less "shy" when dealing with specific topics.

By the way, I voted before noticing the romantic point of view of the problem...

[sriv]

I see that some people voted INTJ forum as the ideal meeting place.

Has anyone actually hooked up via INTJf who would like to share?

[elsdfr]

Other; being locked a in a room together for more than a week and then perhaps there will be some hooking.

[emanon]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

Around a board game would be most ideal. Not that the chance happens very often. I feel in control enough of the situation and manage to be wittier and less introverted. It also provides a good measure of the other person's intelligence and good humor. Theprideoflions answer of "forced interaction" was good too.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

The internet, see next question.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

The internet just does not allow either person to be their true self. That and when I have signed up on those daft matchmaking sights I keep getting matched with divorcees 20 years older than me.

On the romantic side of things, I always thought it would be neat to meet someone on an airplane flight. Of course, the return trip would be better suited to that purpose. Unfortunately, for some odd reason I always end up getting seated next to old people. I blame the programming of the airline's seat allocation system:

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Seat 7B = "Crusty"

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Goto Subroutine placing "Single and Definitely Looking Hottie" in Seat 99D

I am totally with you on that one. My next flight I'll be in a completely different section of the plane than I usually am. Maybe, just maybe, I can trick the system.

[Elfrun]

I see that some people voted INTJ forum as the ideal meeting place.

Has anyone actually hooked up via INTJf who would like to share?

Sorry to disappoint sriv... that was me being a smart ass *hangs head in shame* ;D

On a side note, this thread has encouraged me into action and I've stared conversing with several single inmates in the hope of finding everlasting love.



Wait... two more people have selected it <there is no emoticon to express my humour at this point> Maybe we should set up an INTJ Dating thread :thumbsup:

[Wapiti]

ohhhh, I saw "meat market" and was hoping to pick up some ribeye, ooops.

[Mogura]

So far it looks like it's a dead heat between "Introduction through friends" and "Courses".

First of all, I was surprised that neither of the "Internet" options took the immediate lead. I would have thought that INTJs would have gone for that.

Second of all, I was surprised that "Introduction through friends" took a lead spot. Though it's a sound and tried-and-true meeting technique, I would have thought that it would work against INTJs, as the average INTJ is not known to have a lot of friends--well, at least that's the stereotype. (Now, if a trusted 'E' were left to draw on his/her resources to do the setup, you might have something...)

[Erika Redmark]

I'm the least inhibited with people with whom I share interests–I generally meet them through courses and extracurricular clubs, especially music-related (that's the "other"). So people I meet in those ways are the ones I'm most likely to get to know well.

[f3nr1l]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?
I have a variety of ideals. This seems, well, impossible. But I like options and I find it a very poor idea to limit myself in such an important matter as managing to find someone that I won't grow bored or overwhelmed with in four days. The places?
Bookstores. I'm of the "how many stupid or shallow people do you meet in a book store?" opinion. Also, I love books. A library is a good place, for the same reasons. I like the idea of finding people at parties. INTJ Partying? Well, sometimes I'm forced to be at a party, and I seek shelter in a quiet and away area. I can totally see a dark, secluded place as a nice place to meet someone. Trapped in an elevator, too! If I can talk to you calmly and reasonable about interesting and sophisticated things while we may be at the end of our days, I may just have found you to be a pretty good choice.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?
Parties. If you're coming over to tell me that I'm not having any fun hiding in the corner. At a multigendered public restroom, too. That's just not a good circumstance.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernible patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?
The harder I try to not be seen, the more people will come talk to me. I tested this. I sat on a bench in the city a slight distance away from a main walking path and a bus stop. I was wearing standard clothing, next to a bush. I got five people over the span of an hour talking to me. I went to the same bench the next day, but this time with bright clothing and two glowsticks around my neck, and a blinking shirt (thank the Fourth of July peddlers). I had one person wave at me while they walked by and another person walk slowly past me on the main path, staring at me the whole time, until he was so far away he'd have to turn around to see me. So if you want to meet people, my suggestions to INTJs are dress in black and hide in a thicket.

[hyper84]

I love pubs, but I completely understand what Homini is saying about clubs. I went to my first club this year in CA (live in AR, and I'm originally a small-town farm boy) with a couple of friends (one of which I had developed a crush on). I was so out of place and she in particular kept asking if I was okay. Ha. Give me a bookstore or course to meet people in any day of the week.

[True Rune]

Church is it. Otherwise I won't talk to you unless you talk to me.

[GrimWizard]

Maybe we should set up an INTJ Dating thread :thumbsup:

Wait! you mean this isn't it? Damn, back to the drawing board...

Anyway, I voted Recreation activities/clubs because it always puts me at ease to know that I have at least 1 thing in common with the other person so I have a chance that my other interests won't scare her away either.

[ASUSharon]

I met my current boyfriend (we've been together for over a year) through mutual friends... My friends are the people who I feel comfortable with, so I wasn't forced into any uncomfortable situations, and I trust their judgment (I mean, if they chose me as a friend, they must have great taste :cool:)... Its worked for me so far

[Frag]

Other; being locked a in a room together for more than a week and then perhaps there will be some hooking.
intj meat...hooking...

Meathooks. Eep.

Enjoy your time in the freezer.

[Malotis]

I'm not really that big at the whole meeting people thing so I don't know how qualified I am to answer though optimially I'd choose a party being hosted by a mutual friend.

[Eric86]

I really don't have a preference for how and where I meet people, but I certainly wouldn't be meeting anyone in prison or rehab!;D

[Gamgee]

I probably wouldn't mind meeting someone anywhere barring... well bars and other loud areas.

Actually a good technique for me is to blindside me out of nowhere with a question or remark. So if I am looking at a series of books then just blind side me with a question about them. Teaching mode kicks in foe a second but after that I seem to get more open... slightly. My brain was busy with other stuff and didn't fathom in a million years this situation and it acts sort of like a stun on my "seriousness". :shrug:

Classes are also a good place. If the professor is boring me I become so much more anxious to escape the hellish repetition mode most Professors go into that socializing is far preferable than being bored to hell.

Actually in all the time I considered dating I never really realized how good a bookstore would be... hmm I have to give this a try now. I will see if I can just sit trying to look out of the way and see if anyone takes an interest. Sounds like a good experiment actually.

Also I half expected this to be an actual dating thread. I see several others were thinking the same thing.

In hindsight maybe it isn't such a good idea to tell people how to suddenly stun my brain. I mean it could have its ups and downs, but think about it. If I am walking in the middle of a road and someone asks me a question I could very well be doomed.

Edit
Ahhh here we go relevant. Knew I got this idea from somewhere. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[themuzicman]

Happy Friday Everyone! TGIF!!!

There's a lot of threads regarding dating INTJs, dealing with cross-MBTI relationships, and attraction to INTJs. I thought I'd start a light-hearted thread/discussion about meeting INTJs. The Introverted aspect of INTJs means that this topic may not be as straightforward as it may seem (go figure!).

Anyway, as a public service for our non-INTJ friends who happen to be seeking out relationships with INTJs (yeah, I'm baffled by that concept as well...), it might be a good idea to give our non-INTJ friends a little insight as to what's going on in our minds, and what ultimately "gets" us.

For purposes of clarification, "meeting" shall be defined as "making a first-time acquaintance with a single individual for whom a romantic relationship is the desired goal".

Some topics for discussion:

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

Organized activity with a goal.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Unorganized large masses of people.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

Working towards a common goal or having something interesting to talk about.

[Seriously]

Funny I was going to post something about how to find people like, well the people I interact with on here, in the wild. Ie somewhere closer to home.

Anyways I tend to do best on the internet. It's good and it's bad. I find people who are interesting and we have amazing conversations and fun but they generally tend to live far far away. Which sucks.

Mutual friends doesn't work as none of my friends have single friends. I work with pretty much all women, which btw I find quite depressing, the one guy I work with just told me yesterday he was quitting. Thanks dude. There goes my single male interaction and my in for Spurs tickets.

I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong in public because guys seem to feel comfortable stopping me in stores or when I'm walking and telling me I have a beautiful smile or look nice but no one ever follows up. Course when it happens I generally just give a quick smile, say thank you and keep walking. And I've been told I come off as reserved in person.

Nightclubs are where I go to hang out with friends and dance so that's a "no". Besides who really takes someone seriously they hit on in a club?

Maybe I need to try the prison.....

[wittykitty]

Courses.
Recreational activities.
Friends.

I gotta admit I laughed at an INTJ meeting someone at a club.

[themuzicman]

At nightclubs, I usually shut everything out and work on solving something else.

Except the night I met my wife (ESFP). I had worked an 8 hour shift as a dish washer, and I got home and my family was gone (again), so I called a friend, and we went to a dance club. I was "alone", but on the dance floor, just trying to clear my head, when the DJ announced that this was the last slow song. Some chic asked me to dance, so I said 'yes.' She kissed me, so I asked for her number, and she gave me her real phone #, and that was the beginning.

[Kemmler]

I actually go to clubs (with my friends ofc) but I usually follow a routine;

- Get as much alcohol as possible in your body quickly.

- Dance on the dance floor all night, by yourself on a spot where you aren't pushed around by the idiots that are "other men".

- Live in my head while I stand there dancing, being somewhat drunk.

- go home.


Sometimes, I kinda f@ck up at certain points, like the alcohol thingy, once I 'accidently' got 6 tequila shots and half a beer down in 30 minutes... At 3 in the afternoon...

[JohnDoe]

How do you 'accidently' get 6 tequila shots :D

[paleoeco]

How do you 'accidently' get 6 tequila shots :D

Well after #4, it's kinda hard to keep track of counting, so maybe he thought #5 and #6 weren't?

[Kemmler]

I was surprised the bartender kept serving me :P

anyways, I don't like meeting girls in clubs, mostly because I can't talk because of the loud music and as people have stated before, the attitude there. It's horryfying to see a girl get surrounded by 10 guys 2 times her size and just dissappear underneath their wild "dance".

Although home parties tend to have a more relaxed feel and places where you can actually speak to women, that tends to be nice, meeting through friends is nice also :)

[mmm7789]

So if you want to meet people, my suggestions to INTJs are dress in black and hide in a thicket.

Thank you so much, f3nr1 For some reason, I can't stop chuckling at that one.
Of course, the last guy that expressed interest in me was married and lived, oh, 3,000 miles or so away. But I was wearing black.

[srkelley]

college courses are an ideal place. Generally I just hold back and do nothing. Eventually I've held back so long that I do make a try and it's at a horrible place to do so like work or on the street.

[Muadib]

I meet people anywhere, but then again I am an INTJ with developed social skills. I seem like an extrovert to most people but I hate being around them for too long. Though I prefer pubs, bookstores, or classes.

[Vagrant]

I have an odd tendency to meet most people through other people.

This is convenient though.

That said, I appear as an ambivert to most people. When I flip my mask on, I can meet people almost everywhere except when I start to feel a panic attack from TOO MANY PEOPLE.

[jcb]

i met my wife in a bank.

she saw the real me right through the balaclava.

[Ham]

I gotta admit I laughed at an INTJ meeting someone at a club.You should find yourself a debating society. Mine has 3 INTJs, 2 ENTJs, 3INTPs, an ENTP and probably more rationals who haven't actually taken the test.

[Nikonman]

Anyways I tend to do best on the internet. It's good and it's bad. I find people who are interesting and we have amazing conversations and fun but they generally tend to live far far away. Which sucks.
....
I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong in public because guys seem to feel comfortable stopping me in stores or when I'm walking and telling me I have a beautiful smile or look nice but no one ever follows up. Course when it happens I generally just give a quick smile, say thank you and keep walking. And I've been told I come off as reserved in person.



I also favor the internet. I have met several women on platonic boards who were looking for a bit more than a platonic relationship, but were unwilling to admit it until there had been some exchange of emails or IMs. I seek out those who indicate there is a certain level of intelligence required to be of interest to them. I find it is a great way to see if the person knows the difference between too, to and two, among other things. In person, I can't tell if she understands the plural and possessive use of an apostrophe. If she can write in reasonably correct sentences and paragraphs, that is a big plus. If most errors appear to be simply typos, that is a plus (I'm not a great typist either so I can't judge anyone on that). I was an engineering major in undergrad, and if a woman's writing seems suspect to me, that is a very bad sign since I'm much better with numbers than with languages.

Seriously: you should take a moment to actually speak to one of those guys who compliments you. Give him your business card if you think you might want to go out with him. He's doing his part by showing interest, and when you keep walking, you are rejecting him. Even if I thought you were my potential soul mate, I'd not tackle you to stop you from walking away. Sometimes you have to work with us a little.

[icelandicriot]

I met my partner in German class in high school 9 years ago :0)

[LPM]

I'm so sick of clever people saying book stores are a good place to meet someone from opposite sex. I've never in my life observed anyone trying to hit on anyone at a book store. "get the f*** out of my face, I'm trying to read."

[Muadib]

I kid you not it is where I met my fiancée. She was looking for a book, and it so happened that I was holding the only copy at the time. Long shot but it does happen.

[dontlookback]

I'm so sick of clever people saying book stores are a good place to meet someone from opposite sex. I've never in my life observed anyone trying to hit on anyone at a book store. "get the f*** out of my face, I'm trying to read."
:laugh: That's so true. Maybe a coffeeshop could work both ways? It seems like there's always people in there reading,or at least pretending to read.

[daydreamer]

starting up a conversation in line for the premiere of a sci-fi or fantasy movie.

or, the geek dorm.

[curiousgeorge01]

starting up a conversation in line for the premiere of a sci-fi or fantasy movie.

or, the geek dorm.

hmmm thats not a bad idea to look for fellow geeks!

Generally I meet girls through other friends or at work strangely enough...

[LaoTzu]

Hacker Conferences FTW!

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PS: Take me with you!

[larkin]

Other; being locked a in a room together for more than a week and then perhaps there will be some hooking.

Seven days in heaven? That actually sounds like roughly the fifth level of the inferno to me, but hey, I'm an ENTP, I'm just lurking on this thread. :popcorn:

[gedreosan]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

My past successes have occurred either in an academic setting or over the internet.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Bars and clubs, but I abhor them in general not just in relation to this topic.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernible patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

They did the initial approach in all of the successes. All my initial approaches are stored in black boxes by the FAA . . .

[Mader]

You forgot

-gaming
-volunteer work
-therapist waiting room
-daycare/aftercare pickup
-traffic court/school
-highway trash pickup on DUI weekend service.

[tommy]

Hello. I've been lurking (pleasantly) here for about a week after discovering the Myers-Briggs test and then reading all about myself on several INTJ profiles. T'was not as dramatic as reading my Enneagram Nine report where I read stuff that I thought had been my own private secrets, but the info was right on target.

It seems to me that you are all quite young - ten years or less out of college.
I am 63. I hate to say this, but some of you have a looong wait ahead of you. I don't have to wear black and hide in a thicket - (cute) - I've already determined that after I quit my destructive drinking period in '86, that I have become quite invisible. and it's been quite the puzzle til now.

...but to stick to the topic - where to best meet - in my own life I have stopped eating at home, my fridge unplugged ten years ago. I eat all my meals out, now - and pleasant waitresses (I move on if they're not) are my refuge for conversations with the opposite sex. Still, that hasn't gotten me dates. I would have to see a person expectant towards such a question - I have iNtuition ? right ?? - and that person I haven't seen yet.

When home, I get called on a lot from neighbors for handyman duties - but there are painfully few singles there. and I have selected a solitary job driving an advertising truck in far-away cities - (the French Foreign Legion was not taking new recruits).

On your poll, I will check (church) activities aimed at singles - but again, I've had no success there (I would like to be 'invited'). At least now I understand a little better why pickup lines (used by others) make me gag, and why I have absolutely no idea how to buy a present for an occasion, and why when I see a lady at a bus stop or park bench, to whom I already know that I will not be able to utter a word.

and after such a near-meet experience - I seek solace in solitary pursuits.
Let me read some more. I find much of this quite interesting.

[Nomadic]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

I prefer 1:1 communication, either in person or via email/IM. While meta information available from mutual acquaintances can be interesting I don't place much significance on it, nor would I rely on anyone else's observations to a great extent as it is the interpersonal dynamics with me that matter most in my discernment, not how they associate with others.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Anywhere where alcohol, narcotics or loud noises abound.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernible patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

I don't consider any meeting to be a "failure" because if I'm sufficiently motivated to get to know someone, I will do so at least to the point where I know that I'm unwilling to pursue the deepening of said acquaintanceship. If I'm not interested enough at the onset, it would be a non-starter.

Whilst in school I had several people attempt to get to know me, but as I blocked them effectively I would consider those to be non-starters on my end, but failure on theirs. At work I have no choice but to get to know my colleagues as well as I can without tipping the balance of professional/personal to an uncomfortable extent, but I think I'm now extraverted-acting enough to be consistently successful in meeting that goal.

If I consider the process of meeting my now-spouse to be a pronounced success, then it took lots of email based communication and some phone calls and visits to establish the bond (we were even engaged while maintaining a trans-Atlantic relationship, until I was able to find a job and move to live with him after elopement).

[pure potential]

As an INFJ regarding bookstore pickups, if you see me, please pass me up for another gal's attention. When I'm in my own little world perusing and reading (anywhere - 'tis one of my favorite thangs to do), its my "Pure Potential" time and I'd prefer to not be bothered, thank you. :)

[Wintersun]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

I picked quite a few on the poll, but I'd have to say school or work is the best for me. It allows me to see what somebody is really like, and it also creates plenty of excuses to chat with no chance of backfire.

Besides, no colleague or classmate so far is unaware of my abilities... it gives me a lot of credibility.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Being approached by an insurance agent/banker/credit card saleswoman. Regardless of how hot such a person is, the whole idea of being seen as a walking ATM discourages me from talking completely.

I've been known to give "shoot you to death" looks, sometimes. And to speak in Japanese when approached even though I only know a bit of it (since most others can't speak nuts).

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

I've never had a girlfriend as yet, but 70-80% of all my platonic friends are female. I wonder if you'd consider that a success or failure - on one hand, I'm still single, but on the other, they're all still friends.

In any case, the main pattern is that the success or failure rate depends completely on the other person. I usually end up friends with any INTP/INTJ/ENTP/ENTJ I meet, close friends with every ENFP/INFP I meet and enemies with anybody who has pride as their prime directive.

People strongly motivated by pride automatically engage me in an offensive manner even before I say a single word to them for the first time, even if I don't know them at all. I have no idea why.

The character type I cannot get along with is the majority ESFJ. It's not that I'm enemies with them, but just that I cannot get past the acquaintance stage. Seems to be way too incompatible.

[postem]

Interesting how Bars/Dance clubs/Pubs is low among INTJ (and me of course :)), disconsidering prision/rehab which i disconsider.

This just confirms what i think: its a pain to go to a place like a pub/dance club to hunt. In special dancing clubs, i just hate it, i cant get what is the fun in dancing.

[Necrosis]

Bars/Dance Clubs are for one night stands... It is rare, although possible, to meet something substantial there.

[Mogura]

Bars/Dance Clubs are for one night stands... It is rare, although possible, to meet something substantial there.

Yes. Every once in a blue moon you might run into a fellow bar/dance club-hater. For some reason or other, she was dragged out of her lair, kicking and screaming by her extrovert friends and thrown into an environment completely out of her element. It's cool to run into these girls because you can spend the rest of the night making fun of people...

[EarthBound]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

Every friend I've ever made I made either in a class, or through an established friend.


2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Parties, outdoorsy events, and most sporting events.
(Anywhere you could find a large amount of people in one place, and most of them would have been drinking.)


3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

Firstly, "discernable" isn't a word. "Discernible," however, is.
Secondly, I fail to meet people when I don't try to, except for when I'm successful at attracting unwanted company.

[Wintersun]

Every friend I've ever made I made either in a class, or through an established friend.

Given the frequency of this type of response amongst many INTJ, I wonder what it would be like if we started off with zero friends. Sooner or later, we'd make some, but I wonder how long it'd take for most INTJ to do this.

Took me, say, only about 13-15 years. How long did it take you guys?

Secondly, I fail to meet people when I don't try to, except for when I'm successful at attracting unwanted company.

And I always predict the stock market and weather perfectly, except the annoying cases when I don't. I'm sure.

[Waffle]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

For meeting people that aren't close friends: an area where there are concrete reasons for walking up to someone and talking to them (e.g. sports team, project group in school, a club meeting, or a classmate anywhere, anytime...).

With close friends, anywhere is fine as long as I can hang with them (i.e. not talk to strangers).

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

A large house party with people I don't know, clubs, places where people want to talk to me with the express purpose of having sex...

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

See post #25 (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). Actually, you could just add Themuzicman's answers to mine. They're similar, anyways...

[Firebrand]

Anyway, as a public service for our non-INTJ friends who happen to be seeking out relationships with INTJs (yeah, I'm baffled by that concept as well...), it might be a good idea to give our non-INTJ friends a little insight as to what's going on in our minds, and what ultimately "gets" us.

I don't find that the least bit baffling. INTJ's have a ton to offer. Makes perfect sense to me in fact.



For purposes of clarification, "meeting" shall be defined as "making a first-time acquaintance with a single individual for whom a romantic relationship is the desired goal".

Some topics for discussion:

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?



Places of study : school, libraries, etc. Only problem is people there usually don't want to be bothered.



2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Bars. Bars are full of drunk people. Drunk women are not attractive. It's too expected and tends to attract the types of people I absolutely hate. I seriously can't ever imagine meeting someone of substance at a bar.


3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?


Meeting through friends generated one of my best ever relationships (5 1/2 years).

I met one at her place of work (her reaction when she first saw me caused me to verify that I was not imagining it with a friend that was with me (I wasn't). That prompted me going back (while coming up with good reasons to do so) so I could talk to her more). Another one I met was the receptionist at a wellness center when I came in for a massage after a car accident.

Others I met through Myspace (2 ex's, 1 INFJ).

Dating sites have always been crap in my experience.



I'll go first. Geeky as it may sound I always fancied bookshops as prime hunting ground. My friends (mostly bar-going E's) thought I was insane at the concept. My rationale was this, "Have you ever met a shallow or stupid person at a bookstore?" Plus, if you spy some hottie in your same section, then at least you have some common ground to make your entry ("Oh fractals! I live for fractals!"). This was an observation I made long ago during my college years. This was before coffeeshops in bookstores became so prevalent. But now the coffeeshops make it even easier ("Hey, would you like to discuss fractals and chaos theory over a mocha java? My treat..."). Another thing is that women usually have their guard down in bookshops (unlike nightclubs). But that can be a two-edged sword ("Why is this guy hitting on me in a bookshop?!?"). Anyway, my Spiel.


This actually makes perfect sense and I used to do the same. My rationale was "at least you know for starters that she can read". Though, I found out that bookstores can also attract flakes, albeit attractive flakes who can read.




I abhor the Internet, too. The whole concept of using technology to facilitate social interaction is flawed (this is my F side more than my T side at work here, so don't expect a rational explanation as to why I believe so). Plus, it's all to easy to pretend to be someone that one is not. I will concede that there are a lot of happy marriages that started out as Internet relationships. But as for me, I just don't get it.

Internet is a good ice-breaker because people can choose how accessible they are, can gather info about a potential partner ahead of time (a favorite tactic of INTJ's), and have a point of conversation for first-contact. But, if it never involves a physical meeting, then obviously you have nothing.

One of my friends in Holland met his significant other through an art site they were both on. She moved from the US to be with him and they've been together for a number of years now. So it is possible.



Damn, I should have listed "Star Trek Conventions" as a poll option, but isn't that more of an INTP thing? Anyway...

My discernable failures are always at work. That's understandable because when I'm at work I am in full TJ mode. To colleagues I imagine that I come across as concise, serious, focused, factual, sarcastic, and sometimes arrogant--not a fun guy, I know. But I don't try to initiate romantic relationships at work, so maybe I shouldn't discount the office as a failure (I have a strict, "Don't screw the crew." philosophy in place). I have just noticed that over the years none of the lasses have developed an interest in me. Well, there's always the bookshops.


I have that same "Don't dip your pen in the company ink" policy but this has cost me at least one good possible relationship. Even the rest of the staff thought me and this girl were bound to date. My resistance was "What if this doesn't work out and I still have to work with this person?". The word awkward comes to mind. In hindsight though, I think I passed up an amazing possibility with an attractive Java programmer. At this point, having given this some thought, you spend a third of your day at work, most likely 5 days a week. That means statistically, unless you're inhabiting some other location for that amount of time, the likelihood of meeting someone into the same career motivations as you is higher there than anywhere else. Obviously, the potential market here varies depending on your line-of-work.




On the romantic side of things, I always thought it would be neat to meet someone on an airplane flight. Of course, the return trip would be better suited to that purpose. Unfortunately, for some odd reason I always end up getting seated next to old people. I blame the programming of the airline's seat allocation system:

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Seat 7B = "Crusty"

If Seat 7A = "Mogura" Then Goto Subroutine placing "Single and Definitely Looking Hottie" in Seat 99D

I met a girl on a plane one time while going to the Game Developer's Conference who, in retrospect, I think was trying to get me to join the Mile-High Club. She was casually reading a Playboy next to me. At first, I thought "No... What girl reads a Playboy... In public.... Next to a stranger.... On a plane?!?". When she got to the pictorials, I knew the answer to that question. Then she started complaining to me that all the girls are fake in it and pointed this out to me directly, much to the contained shock of the guy next to me. Then she told me that she would've gotten Hustler, but Playboy was the best they had. We both, after talking for a while, mentioned that we were in relationships (and, yes, she at least said hers was with a guy), and my commitment to that kept me from doing anything.

[mrStevens]

Rehab? Prison??

[blatant]

It's funny how many intjs love meeting others at bookstores! I absolutely despise being bothered there, and whenever people try to talk to me, I pretend not to hear them (and I have headphones on most of the time).

[Silverity]

This looks entertaining.

Anyway, as a public service for our non-INTJ friends who happen to be seeking out relationships with INTJs (yeah, I'm baffled by that concept as well...), it might be a good idea to give our non-INTJ friends a little insight as to what's going on in our minds, and what ultimately "gets" us.

For purposes of clarification, "meeting" shall be defined as "making a first-time acquaintance with a single individual for whom a romantic relationship is the desired goal".

Some topics for discussion:

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

Art gallery, museum, symphony, library, maybe a coffeeshop.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

On transit. Ugh. Don't even get me started. Not a fan of any time I'm reading and getting interrupted UNLESS the person is really, genuinely, interested in the BOOK.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

Successes involved long periods of contact where we really got to know each other. Failures were when the guy approached me with the singular purpose of wanting sex. I don't put up with that, I'll be polite in turning them down the first time but if they persist I'll be quite waspish.

Another success is meeting people WITHOUT the intention of romantically pursuing them. For me building a friendship that happens to fall into love has always been a more solid route.

[Cambium29]

1. Idea meeting place...
Inside my head. The men there are so clean and nice smelling and interesting and smart and they don't borrow my screwdrivers then leave them to rust in the rain.

2. Abhorrent place...
Reality. I don't like many of the men there. Too much NASCAR and Bud Light.

3. Patterns...
All three (yes, I managed to get tangled in that many) long-term relationships were so different that the only commonaility is that they all ended. Humph!

[madpinkyfox]

Hmmm, ideal situation...

Forced interaction for sure. I need to feel like the person didn't need to speak to me, but had to for some specific purpose. So conversations starters with me might be:
At Parties:
- "I seem to have lost the people I came with, you didn't happen to see so-and-so did you?"
- "Did you taste this dish? Is it good?"
At Work
- "Do you mind giving me a hand with Excel, I hear you know your way around the program"

After I respond, the next comment should be a humourous one followed by a bit of laughing and witty banter. After that's over, the conversation can go on like it would with any non INTJ person. The less small talky the better and I need to have the impression that the person is actually cares to know the answer and isn't just asking because it's a social custom. Som bad questions to ask would be things like "where do you live" or "what do you do" and better ones would be "Have you seen any good movies lately?" or "Have you tried the such and such restaurant". A person could keep my attention all night if they slowly worked the conversation from what movie I liked to something more philosophy or sociological based.

Never, NEVER start a conversation with a compliment.





1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

A public place, with a quiet atmosphere. (it's easier to not feel awkward that I'm associating with a human)

For instance: Bookstores, coffee shops, the library, study sessions, college/study related meeting places, etc.
2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Anything where I'm crunched in with a lot of people and everybody hears everything I could ever say/people can't hear so I have to repeat myself

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

Yes. People I met at parties and related things generally were not one's I ever called back. (with one lone exception)

People I met at the places I preferred, such as the ones I mentioned in response to the first question, generally were far more successful.

4. Non-INTJs, feel free to probe our thoughts and minds on this subject. After all this thread is for you.


- "I seem to have lost the people I came with, you didn't happen to see so-and-so did you?"

I would respond to that, possibly question you further on their looks so as to help identify them.

- "Did you taste this dish? Is it good?"

I might respond to that, depending upon who was asking me. (if it's the hostess, I'm going to be polite, since it's socially-called for

- "Do you mind giving me a hand with Excel, I hear you know your way around the program"

That would get a better response from me than the earlier ones.

Never, NEVER start a conversation with a compliment.

I do that all the time. I don't know how else to break the ice with someone.

[Geminii]

I'm wondering if maybe the question shouldn't be turned around to ask "As an INTJ, where would you like people to meet YOU for the first time?" From what I can tell, we're not really much into having other people intrude on our worlds at any time.

[leandropls]

How do you talk with someone in a bookstore?

- Excuse me, could you drop that book you're so deep interested in reading and chat a bit with me?

[Lumbering Jack]

I probably most prefer "forced interaction."
For the longest time in high school, I daydreamed about get stuck in an elevator alone with the girl I had my eye on. I find I often need these intense one-on-one times with people to make connections, otherwise they're just another face in the crowd for me.
Along the same lines, most of the girls who ever showed any interest in me did so after we rode in a bus/car with one another, or worked together without many interruptions (other than our own chit-chat).
So for me it's definitely those rare opportunities to be alone with another person. It immediately helps me open up and instantly get to the bottom of a relationship. Most people aren't used to that though.

[thiagofralves]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?

I'd rather be introduced through a friend, doesn't matter the place. However, I'd like to think that I'm open to meet people in different situations, even though I don't try that hard.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?

Clubs, Gyms or Shopping Malls. I already consider most of people in those places to be quite shallow, so people who meet me in these situations are already handicapped

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?

Don't come out as trying too hard to please me. This will annoy me for sure. I'd rather know what you're really thinking. And don't try to get all the space to you when talking. Even though I'm an introvert, I like to make my remarks.

[urglefloggah]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?
Usually I have one of my E friends introduce me to people. Otherwise, I make friends through classes, debates in classes, or something else with an intellectual basis (random discussions of Truth, God, and The Meaning of Life attract a good type).
Ironically, I will meet people at what I consider unpleasant social venues (concerts, parties) if they stand out from the crowd. I enjoy walking up to and talking with people standing in the back of the party or concert who look either cynical or watchful.

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?
The typical party atmosphere, or any other interaction that naturally assumes smalltalk as the preferred form of communication. If everyone is mixing and everyone merely wants to talk about "the weather" I am miserable.

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernible patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?
I have yet to find a good way to make philosophy into an effective pickup line; "Hey, I believe in an absolute and objective view of reality, wanna go get dinner?" doesn't hit quite the right note...

[anarchiste]

1. As an INTJ, what is your ideal meeting place/situation for meeting people?
Opera, friends dinner party, online, at work within reason for non romantic friendship

2. As an INTJ, what meeting places/situations do you absolutely abhor?
Office parties and social events, dates - artificial and tasteless events, doctor's surgery, court office... oh god and anywhere where they call napkins serviettes and use a knife instead of a fork to convey food to their mauls. Oh and I feel somewhat freaked when women start to chat with me in the toilets (I am female).

3. As an INTJ, were there any discernable patterns to your successes and failures in meeting people?
Not really, as I see the majority of friendships as transient, and I can walk away from people very easily if necessary. The one time I tried to rekindle a friendship it failed miserably and I have learnt from that - that I appear to be a traveller in time who makes no permanent friends.

[4srs]

This is a tangent, but still semi on topic here.

Because I am a stalker, I was cruising on ENFP forum on FB the other day and saw a thread titled something ridiculous like "Why aren't the INTJ's talking about us?" It was an entire thread devoted to people wondering why there weren't more threads about ENFP's in the INTJ forum. After I finished laughing, I scrolled down a bit, and discovered that a rogue INTJ had commented in the thread... trying to solicit a date from some hot young ENFP. The poor jerk clearly stated his objective and the qualifications he desired to meet his goal. He was summarily rent limb from limb by a hoard of angry ENFP's who denied that he could be an INTJ at all; their supporting evidence being only that he had posted in their thread.

Anyways. The moral of the story is, MBTI forums are NOT safe places to go looking for dates! In fact, I now think of the entire internet being infested with flesh eating FP piranhas...

[TrilbyFedora]

It's always just been through work and school for me. If an INTJ is around I'm inevitably in a collision course for her and we'll either end up friends or dating.

I've done some searching on dating sites and it seems rather futile and frustrating. I might consider it again in the future, for now I'm taking things in stride.