View Full Version : I want to make a relationship with an INTP official, but I don't know how.
Which is odd, considering in my case I'm the one wanting the Judger to lead (he's reluctant) and I'm the one who would love to see some kind of decision made about our "relationship". You would think the INTJ would want to get that out of the way ASAP.
I want to make a relationship with an INTP official, but I don't know how to do that.
She hasn't said what she expects or provided her plans. I know that I really like her and am quite certain about it, but this is where my abilities run out. We got along well online, then we met, and it's clear that it extends to the real world... My intuition is that she likes me very much, too, and tests seem(ed) to confirm this.
However, since I possess no skills in this area, I have no clue how to proceed.
xtremegeek
06-04-2008, 05:16 PM
I want to make a relationship with an INTP official, but I don't know how to do that.
She hasn't said what she expects or provided her plans. I know that I really like her and am quite certain about it, but this is where my abilities run out. We got along well online, then we met, and it's clear that it extends to the real world... My intuition is that she likes me very much, too, and tests seem(ed) to confirm this.
However, since I possess no skills in this area, I have no clue how to proceed.
I don't know where you live, so this might not help, but here goes:
Ask her to go to a winery with you on a Saturday (aroung 3 PM.) If she says yes, then pack the following: a blanket, cheese and crackers, different fruits, and some bubbles (yes bubbles.) Pick her up and head to the winery; do a wine tasting; buy the bottle that she seems to like the most; sit outside somewhere (may need the blanket if there are no tables); eat a little bit of the food; have a little wine; blow some bubbles to be a little silly and lighten the mood; then slip into the conversation that you are having a very nice time with her and would like to ask her out on a date... ;-)
Good luck to you. I hope it works out.
She lives 2000 miles away and is not old enough to consume alcohol legally. She doesn't consume it anyway.
I'm debating planning expensive monthly weekend trips to see her in the not-too-distant future and also considering asking her if she would be keen on moving here, but I haven't decided yet and don't know her plans (INTPs don't like to make plans known in case they change them, of course).
Thanks for the well wishes, though.
xtremegeek
06-04-2008, 05:30 PM
She lives 2000 miles away and is not old enough to consume alcohol legally. She doesn't consume it anyway.
I'm debating planning expensive monthly weekend trips to see her in the not-too-distant future and also considering asking her if she would be keen on moving here, but I haven't decided yet and don't know her plans (INTPs don't like to make plans known in case they change them, of course).
Thanks for the well wishes, though.
LDR - that's a tough one. Well, I'm rooting for you.
curiousjane
06-04-2008, 06:29 PM
I want to make a relationship with an INTP official, but I don't know how to do that.
She hasn't said what she expects or provided her plans. I know that I really like her and am quite certain about it, but this is where my abilities run out. We got along well online, then we met, and it's clear that it extends to the real world... My intuition is that she likes me very much, too, and tests seem(ed) to confirm this.
However, since I possess no skills in this area, I have no clue how to proceed.
Have you met her yet?
If she's anything like me, it might take her awhile to make up her mind, but once it is made up ... she'll be ready to hear what you have to say. I'd even go so far as to suggest that she may already be wondering why she hasn't heard anything concrete from you yet. Us girls sometimes like the guy to show he has the guts to bring the topic up in the first place.
I'm going to PM you a bit more.
Have you met her yet?
Yes, last week.
If she's anything like me, it might take her awhile to make up her mind, but once it is made up ... she'll be ready to hear what you have to say. I'd even go so far as to suggest that she may already be wondering why she hasn't heard anything concrete from you yet. Us girls sometimes like the guy to show he has the guts to bring the topic up in the first place.
How do I know when her mind is made up? If I knew, I'd say something. I don't want to be pushy.
If you are pushy with an INTP you will be pushed away.
INTPs hate committing to anything. The best decision is one that can be changed. If you want her to go on a date, then do not ask her for an answer there and then. The automatic response to that will be rejection. The INTP way is that it is better to do nothing than to make a mistake.
The way to do it is to make a suggestion for consideration. The INTP then gets to go away and consider all the angles of this, they will want to sleep on it. Then you can bring it up again the next day and they will be more comfortable in giving their answer.
curiousjane
06-05-2008, 10:23 AM
But once an INTP wants to know something, they want to know NOW.
I've not been in a relationship with one, but one of my best friends is INTP, and she will notice that a guy has been paying special attention to her and figure out on her own whether or not he likes her and whether or not she wants to be open to his attentions.
She is more analytical than most girls, but is also a girl, just the same. And girls like to have relationships that aren't ambiguous. Ambiguity is often a waste of time and nerves. :)
My sis-in-law is also INTP. And she decided WAAAAYYY before my brother that they would end up together. She just stuck around until he woke up and realized what an idiot he had been. Again ... ambiguity bad. Clarity good. My brother claims they were dating before she claims they were. Mixed communication, there!
All the best,
CJ
OneBadMother
06-05-2008, 04:42 PM
A good way is probably just to ask her if she likes you, in the romantic sense. If she's been dancing around the issue it means either that you haven't told her straight-out that you're interested in her and she's afraid that you're going to reject her or that she's afraid that you're interested in her and doesn't think the same way at all. Either way, it doesn't hurt to ask outright, since if you wait for her to say anything it may take years.
I know she likes me. I just don't know how to proceed.
xtremegeek
06-05-2008, 05:09 PM
I know she likes me. I just don't know how to proceed.
If you like her and she likes you, then you proceed together. You shouldn't try to figure this out on your own. Talk to her. Ask her if she sees you two together in the future (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, etc) and how does she envision you two together. It's in your INTJ nature to make a plan then expect that people and events will unfold according to said plan...this does not work with romantic relationships. Ya gotta talk to her...
If you like her and she likes you, then you proceed together. You shouldn't try to figure this out on your own. Talk to her. Ask her if she sees you two together in the future (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, etc) and how does she envision you two together.
Already did that, waiting on a response.
It's in your INTJ nature to make a plan then expect that people and events will unfold according to said plan...this does not work with romantic relationships. Ya gotta talk to her...
No, that's not really. We like to plan so we can contingency plan without being bothered by the initial plan that may be deviated from. As long as I have a vague intuitive understanding of the process, I'm happy to go toward the target and plan for contingencies along the way.
So, if I know what the target is, I can incorporate that into my plans as I go. Seeing her again is also on the agenda, but she mentioned she wants to save up to move, so knowing what her plans are for that (she didn't give me an answer, so I believe it is not fully solidified yet) allows me to incorporate it into my plans.
If you like her and she likes you, then you proceed together. You shouldn't try to figure this out on your own. Talk to her. Ask her if she sees you two together in the future (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, etc) and how does she envision you two together. It's in your INTJ nature to make a plan then expect that people and events will unfold according to said plan...this does not work with romantic relationships. Ya gotta talk to her...
Once again this expects commitment from the INTP. The INTP wants to keep things open. They are not going to be fooled by asking if you see themselves together in 6 months. The INTP interprets this "will we be together in 6 months". So I am signing a contract to do that or be wrong. Neither of these options is good. The logical answer is "I dont know, we will have to see how things turn out".
Why do you need to ask these questions. If you are together then its fine. It seems to me you need reassurance like a mother telling a small child it will be alright. Even if they did give you the answer you expect they could change their mind. These things are not governed by contract law. Its about trust and it seems to me you dont have that trust and so are seeking to force their hand.
I know couples that have been together for 25 years and are still not married. They know that it could end at any time if they wanted to. Having a piece of paper saying you are married does not alter things. The bond is between them and all the vows and promises are the illusion.
xtremegeek
06-06-2008, 04:09 AM
Once again this expects commitment from the INTP. The INTP wants to keep things open. They are not going to be fooled by asking if you see themselves together in 6 months. The INTP interprets this "will we be together in 6 months". So I am signing a contract to do that or be wrong. Neither of these options is good. The logical answer is "I dont know, we will have to see how things turn out".
Why do you need to ask these questions. If you are together then its fine. It seems to me you need reassurance like a mother telling a small child it will be alright. Even if they did give you the answer you expect they could change their mind. These things are not governed by contract law. Its about trust and it seems to me you dont have that trust and so are seeking to force their hand.
I know couples that have been together for 25 years and are still not married. They know that it could end at any time if they wanted to. Having a piece of paper saying you are married does not alter things. The bond is between them and all the vows and promises are the illusion.
Without asking quesitons, how else is he going to know how to proceed with her? I just threw some questions out there for him to consider. Why did he even start this thread if he knows everything about what she wants and what he wants? He stated that he didn't know how to proceed - proceed with what? A second date? Sex? Living together? Marriage?
Uytuun
06-06-2008, 04:45 AM
I guess what he's saying is that INTPs don't do well when they get the impression that too much proceeding (towards a certain goal) is going on. So you're supposed to just go with the P-flow. It's up to wolf if he wants to play that game of course.
I'm accustomed to the non-committal flow and I can accept it much better now than I once could.
The whole dating/relationship thing confuses me to begin with, though. On the times when others took an interest in me, they always managed it because I didn't know anything. Sadly, I gained nothing positive from these experiences, so the route things are supposed to take is completely unknown.
My ultimate target in dating is marriage. Her response was that she wouldn't date anyone she didn't consider worth marrying (my question was open). As such, at least there, we're clearly on the same page, but I don't have the foggiest clue how this whole thing works or how to proceed.
44sunsets
06-07-2008, 08:56 PM
As such, at least there, we're clearly on the same page, but I don't have the foggiest clue how this whole thing works or how to proceed.
You should read stuff on dating and attraction by David DeAngelo and material on To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. David D is quite geek-friendly and his material makes sense -- I think he may be an ENTJ.
And be careful with assuming that you're on the same page. Another person's point of view may be completely different to yours. Not trying to shoot you down or anything, but you should be prepared for anything.
I can't really give any more specific advice, since there's not enough information or context. But reading David D should give you a decent enough handle on the situation.
My intuition is that she likes me very much, too, and tests seem(ed) to confirm this.
What kind of tests indicated this to you?
The whole dating/relationship thing confuses me to begin with, though. On the times when others took an interest in me, they always managed it because I didn't know anything.
They likely took an interest in you because you were unaware of it, and hence acting "naturally". It's the same reason guys who are already in a committed relationship often get much more attention from attractive girls.
When a guy chases a girl, the girl notices it and runs away. Hence, guys should not actively chase girls that they want to have a relationship with.
Think of her as a cat. You can't smother a cat with attention or chase her, becasue she'll simply flee. Instead, you have to be very patient, and pique her curiosity. Eventually, she will come closer to check you out, and quite possibly brush up against you for a good cuddle/scratch :)
Why do you need to ask these questions. If you are together then its fine. It seems to me you need reassurance like a mother telling a small child it will be alright. Even if they did give you the answer you expect they could change their mind.
I would agree. It's a big mistake for a guy to ask a girl "Do you want to go out with me?" or bring up the topic of marriage very early on etc. And it's always a huge mistake for a guy to "let her know how he feels" and pour his heart out to her. It's a massive turn-off to most girls.
It's like you're forcing her hand, and girls don't like that. Keep it light. Have fun. Hang out together. Things will go from there -- or maybe they won't. Whatever happens, you'll be OK.
Don't make any concrete, heavy, life-changing plans for the future, because I guarantee that you can't predict how things will turn out. And don't put any heavy, serious pressure on her either, or she'll run.
Ask her if she sees you two together in the future (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, etc) and how does she envision you two together.
A good way is probably just to ask her if she likes you, in the romantic sense.
This kind of dating advice is very common, and it is very wrong. Do not follow this advice. "Serious" communication like this is only appropriate once you're in a committed relationship. If you talk serious like this early on, you will only scare the girl away.
This kind of dating advice is very common, and it is very wrong. Do not follow this advice. "Serious" communication like this is only appropriate once you're in a committed relationship. If you talk serious like this early on, you will only scare the girl away.
At the very least, that is not necessarily true.
At worst, its a complete fabrication by another wannbe know-it-all.
Old thread, but really, wtf ?
curiousjane
07-15-2008, 10:34 AM
I would agree. It's a big mistake for a guy to ask a girl "Do you want to go out with me?" or bring up the topic of marriage very early on etc. And it's always a huge mistake for a guy to "let her know how he feels" and pour his heart out to her. It's a massive turn-off to most girls.
It's like you're forcing her hand, and girls don't like that. Keep it light. Have fun. Hang out together. Things will go from there -- or maybe they won't. Whatever happens, you'll be OK.
This is only true to me if it's within the first month or two of seeing each other. After you've had some time to get comfortable being around each other, and have had some more serious type discussions ... if SOMEBODY doesn't give in and express some level of affection and intention, the whole thing's going nowhere.
My brother got involved in a relationship like that. He was really into this one girl he went swing dancing with, and they hit it off at club events and at school, but he didn't tell her what was going on in his head soon enough (after a few months of hanging out but not really dating), and she moved on.
Of course, then the doofus woke up and realized the girl of his dreams had been under his nose the entire time, and he ended up marrying her. AFTER having asked her advice on how to attract the interest of the other girl!
And, for my part, being in an undefined friendship/relationship is difficult to plan around. With no "claim" made, it's hard to plan for the future when that part of your life is still up in the air.
This is only true to me if it's within the first month or two of seeing each other. After you've had some time to get comfortable being around each other, and have had some more serious type discussions ... if SOMEBODY doesn't give in and express some level of affection and intention, the whole thing's going nowhere.
For me, her affection is clearly expressed. At least I have that.
And, for my part, being in an undefined friendship/relationship is difficult to plan around. With no "claim" made, it's hard to plan for the future when that part of your life is still up in the air.
That's the difficult part for me, too. Once the decision is made, my planning changes to accommodate it.
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