Hard time finding relationships

[Freedom2009]

Hey, I'm new to this forum. I'm somewhere on the line of INTJ and INTP depending on the test and how I feel when I take it. Here's my question. Do other people with this personality type have a hard time getting into relationships? I know that as a guy, I can't get with girls hardly ever for 2 big reasons. The first is that I don't do well in the whole club/dating thing because I don't like the BS aspect and all the mind games that are generally associated. The second is that most of the attributes that I'm looking for in a girl are not common and since it probably closely mirrors girls in the same personality type as me, the probability of us getting together is...

Anyhow, do others have this kind of problem, and if so, what do you do?

[Motor Jax]

i don't have that problem

i'm just myself

however, i find myself taking on their mood whenever i'm too long with them

[curiousjane]

*laughs*

Yeah. I have this problem, from the other side. But I'm not either type you mentioned.

I try to engage people in conversations that involve more than just the typical small talk that I am so bad at. If they take the bait, and gladly move forward into a deeper conversation about life, or spirituality, or psychology, or current events, or what have you ... I know I've found a keeper. A new friend. I'm pretty intentional about it. I've learned that, yes, I have to hone my social skills to include my own versions of small talk and niceties, but my best friends have come from conversations in which I took a risk and opened up first. (Why are we all so nervous to let others see our innate geekiness? I've found my best friends have been relieved to discover ... wow ... it's okay to talk about this ... she's not going to think I'm weird. Shoot. SHE'S weird.)

I can't guarantee you success with girls this way (although it would certainly work on me!) but I can say that when I'm talking with the INTJ guy I am currently ... umm ... getting to know? (have no clue how to describe our unusual "relationship"), these conversations have worked well for us. We tend to have longer, better conversations if we discuss anything from spiritual growth to the economic impact of taxes. We always enjoy hearing about each other's week, or laughing at a witty comment or two, of course ... but it is those deeper conversations that keep me coming back for more.

None of this conversing has led to anything other than conversing at this point ... so maybe I'm not a good example to follow! ;)

[Elfrun]

Nice... the two INFx's answer :p

Hi Freedom, I'm INTJ and I experience the same problems - I hate mind games and I find it hard to meet men who pass my standards!

What do I do? I don't settle, I get sociable and keep looking, in the meantime I don't dwell on it.

Sorry I can't give a better response, I'm still looking :undecided:

[curiousjane]

Nice... the two INFx's answer :p

Whatever. You know you love us. :laugh:

[Elfrun]

I feel so transparent and dirty!

[Lrigyttiw]

I'm having such a hard time, that my last serious relationship was 10 years ago. I've had minor attempts, but nothing sticks to the wall. It's not that my standards are superiorly high, it seems that no one believes in truth and fairness; it's too much BS in the world nowadays.

Curiousjane, when I read your posts (and I've read many of them), I swear I wrote them, even though I'm an INTJ/ISTJ... you crack me up!

[Motor Jax]

i thought i felt a hug somwhere

[volk]

I can tell you that I do. It's often very hard for me to take a relationship "to the next level" with someone I like. Though I look at finding the right person as just another challenge. It's fun to go out and try to get to know people. I'm aware of the fact that theoretically I don't fit together with 75% of the population who are sensory types and knowing this fact makes it easier to handle social "failures". Though in my opinion there is no such thing as social failure because it's natural that some people do not function well together with other personalities. It's just that this number is exceptionally high for people like us.

Just be yourself and have fun observing how people react to your actions. It's actually quite entertaining. Some day you will find someone who is looking for a person just like you ;)

You know how I met my gf of 2.5 years? I known her for a while and she changed her nick on msn asking if anyone wanted to see a movie with her. I took the chance and we got together. Don't be afraid to take chances. When it's the right person things will naturally go great.

[ElstonGunn]

Don't be afraid to take chances. When it's the right person things will naturally go great.

What happens if it's the wrong person, but you think she's the right one? Or what if she is the right one, but you don't think that she is? What guarantee, if any, is there that the right person even exists for any of us? And if the right person does exist, how likely is it that you'll not only find her, but do whatever it is that you're supposed to do to get her attention and win her favor? is it fate that there is a right person, or do you make her the right person by way of your actions and hers?


...As you can tell, I've been single for nearly my entire life.

[volk]

What happens if it's the wrong person, but you think she's the right one?
You end the relationship (in time) and search for someone better. But if you both think you are made for each other then how can she be the wrong person unless you find someone better?
Or what if she is the right one, but you don't think that she is?
You learn how to break up as painlessly as possible making it possible to revive the relationship when you do realize that she indeed was the right one. If she thinks you are the right one for her then I see no reason it wouldn't work out the second time.
What guarantee, if any, is there that the right person even exists for any of us? And if the right person does exist, how likely is it that you'll not only find her, but do whatever it is that you're supposed to do to get her attention and win her favor?
There is none, but you are not increasing your chances of finding someone by not taking chances.
is it fate that there is a right person, or do you make her the right person by way of your actions and hers?
I personally don't believe in fate. It's peoples actions that directly or indirectly cause various events to occur.

[Lrigyttiw]

i thought i felt a hug somwhere

I don't even know what that feels like anymore...

[Motor Jax]

i hug myself... a lot...

i get lonely...

that is until i go to bar (both of them, at least, once a week)

the other five nights, i'm by myself



i get hit on, of course... and i smile, play the little social game, grab a hug here and there, being my easy-going flirtatious self...

but like i am, i go home... alone... and that fine with me...

[punkyplatypus]

I find that using chloroform and a gunny sack works well :cheesy:

Seriously though, I have a hard time meeting girls. Whenever they try having conversations with me I begin to ramble. Some chickies think it's cute at first, but they get sick of it after a while. If we get past that point, I tend sabotage relationships. When things seem to be going well, I overanalyze the situation. I end up convincing myself that things won't work out, and if the girl starts getting to close I let her know before anyone gets hurt & we end up friends. Then they move on to a new guy and all is lost :(

But that's me...on to helping you. I don't like clubs either, but I get dragged there every once in a while. Turns out there are some girls at clubs who don't want to be there either. I suggest maybe seeking them out. As for dating, that's sort of part of the whole relationship thing. Not that you can't be different. Instead of going to a movie to cuddle or having a romantic dinner, perhaps you can go to an open seminar at a college or have an intellectual discussion over some pizza. Just be sure to give the ladies a chance. Maybe they're more complex than you think and if you spent a bit more time with them you'd see that. Or maybe they're an aquired taste that you're not sure about at first, but if you gave them a chance you'd love 'em. You're chances of having a relationship is going to increase if you don't write them off right away for not having the right attributes.

Good luck :)

[curiousjane]

friends[/I]. Then they move on to a new guy and all is lost :(

Interesting. I can see this happening with my favorite INTJ. He does like to ramble, and he has tried to warn me about himself. I wonder if he is convincing himself that we can never be more than friends after over analyzing things. I *have* thought about moving on (emotionally, anyway) if he won't get his act together and realize I'm quite willing and able to stick around and work through our idiosyncrasies (but only if he's a willing participant, as well).

Man, I feel for you guys. This INTJ relationship thing sounds like crap from your perspective. Worse than being an indecisive idealistic female INFP with no real prospects in immediate sight (real being "single, available, able, and willing" to move forward with a genuine dating relationship).

You want relationships (obviously. This is one of the most commonly frequented areas of the forum), but it sounds like that desire both frustrates you when it isn't fulfilled and scares you that it will be and you won't be able to keep up with or enjoy the demands a romantic relationship puts on an individual.

Uncommon girls do exist, Freedom2009. You just don't find them in common places. Or in a common frame of mind.

I'd start looking in extraordinary places ... with an open mind. :thumbsup:

[ElstonGunn]

You want relationships (obviously. This is one of the most commonly frequented areas of the forum), but it sounds like that desire both frustrates you when it isn't fulfilled and scares you that it will be and you won't be able to keep up with or enjoy the demands a romantic relationship puts on an individual.

I think we may be trying to play Monopoly with Battleship pieces and Scrabble tiles. I didn't write the rule book, but when I leafed through it, it didn't make much sense to me to begin with.

[Noehelia]

To tell you the truth I never had any problems into finding a boyfriend although I do not like to be hit on by guys in clubs. My boyfriends have always been a friend or acquaintance of a friend or someone I met in school or an activity of mine. I have met my boyfriend that we are happy together right now and he is an INTJ through a web community. We were active members in the web community for two years, we appreciated each other (I even had thought that he was the only guy in there that I could think that we could have a relationship) for the way we wrote posts but we never had any real communication (even not one personal message) until a philosophical subject came on and we had a big argument, then we tried to discuss it by personal messages in order not to annoy others in the forum and one thing let to another.

It is not like that I was all the time in a relationship, there have been big periods that I did not want anyone in my life so I did not observe anything around me (and believe me when I am like that I do not see further than my nose). But when I am ready for a relationship I have my radar and my mind open to find an interesting, intellectual guy with whom I match. Ok, it is not like the world is full but there are interesting people out there. This forum is an actual proof of that but I had already realized it from my experience.

[Headstrong]

My problem was not getting into relationships...it was staying in them. I graduated high school in 2007 and in that span of 4 years I had quite a few "boyfriends." (A few were really good friends prior to becoming exclusive, and I am still friends with all but one.) I haven't dated anyone since. Right now, however, there is a guy of interest. I was browsing myspace just for fun as I occasionally do and I stumbled upon his profile. We had a lot in common, so I just messaged him. He replied and things took off from there. Blah blah blah...online relationships are a whole 'nother story. We're meeting shortly, but I do think online is the best place to start. It allows you to filter out and select who you would like to get to know. It also isn't a big deal if they don't respond well/at all. You just move on with your life.

[Freedom2009]

Haha, sweet. It all sounds so familiar. :thumbsup:

I gotta agree with curiousjane on a few things. The first is that I don't do small talk very well. Kinda one of my main downfalls in past relationships was that I would try to discuss anything of significance (religion, taxes, elections, government, etc.) and they would never discuss that stuff. Drove me nuts.

[murkrow]

I share the problem with the "BS dating scene"
I am entirely incapable of small talk and somewhat disgusted by it...

I actually don't know any girls anymore.

not any...

it's fucked up.

[brad]

I find that small talk between INT* types is less of the mindless chitchat and more of a sneaky, exciting dance of who can read the other best. The ideal outcome is when neither can read the other entirely, and have to spend more time together.

[zoophilia]

yeah... i find it hard. it is pretty hit or miss with me. usually either the thing that works for me is the thing that curiousjane mentioned or the girl is attracted to me physically and approaches me. mostly i think i have a bit of a bad attitude. my bitchmeter is very sensitive and goes off really easily. i don't really believe in one person fulfilling all of your needs (including sexual) so that alone can be hard to reconcile with someone. it can make me kind of jaded sometimes because i try to be honest and upfront so as not to BS with people too much. it is pretty hard to find girls that just want to fuck sometimes though. probably because i don't work out enough haha. feeding my mind is usually more important than that though.

[Monte314]

This is a common problem, even for "social" people.

It occurs to me that if you want a certain kind of fish, you have to go to a certain kind of pond.

When my eldest daughter finished college, she was thinking about joining the Church where I serve as an Elder. She is of marriageable age, and, of course, interested in socializing with young singles, both male and female.

She graduated in the top 1% of her class at a large University with an eclectic major, and a minor in mathematics. I'm thinking, "We go to a blue-collar church... what she needs isn't here!" So, I advised her to attend a much larger (but culturally and doctrinally similar) church having a large "yuppy" population. She is quite happy there.

Freedom2009: have you gone to college yet? If not, perhaps a consideration in choosing one is what kind of girls you will meet there. Same goes for other affiliations: work, church, clubs, hobbies, volunteer work, etc. These are the things people are usually engaged in when they find a mate.

Relying on luck at bars and blind dates is a downer. I'd suggest choosing an activity that will engage the type of women you would like to meet, and get into it. Working side-by-side with someone on a project of common interest is an immediate ice-breaker: no "pick up" lines needed!

[volk]

Relying on luck at bars and blind dates is a downer. I'd suggest choosing an activity that will engage the type of women you would like to meet, and get into it. Working side-by-side with someone on a project of common interest is an immediate ice-breaker: no "pick up" lines needed!

How about going out swing dancing :cool:

[vaguely dissatisfied]

My problem, up to now, has not been getting into relationships, but staying in them.

[Airfire]

I personally have never been in a relationship, ever, nor had any real friends either. I actually joined these forums in hope that by communicating with others like myself (I have never met another INTJ) I can build up my confidence in a social context in order to bring about a better "me." I am fine with solitude (still prefer it actually), but that human instinct to belong and find a companion is creeping up on me more and more with every coming year. I think it's a sign that I am willing to change and mature socially.

As for now, my situation is much like murkrow's. I have a hard time with the superficial dating scene and am still incapable of the "small talk/gossip" in any way, shape or form.

[Aven]

I never did the dating thing, I found it stupid, meanwhile all of my "girlfriends" were doing it in High School and whatnot.

In college I got asked to go to lunch with a guy and I realized years later that he might have asked me on a date, which is amusing since I didn't consider it one, but I suppose we did "go on a date" in his view.

Back to the subject though, how I dealt with it was just honestly putting it out of my mind, eventually I met my SO through IRC [of all places] so maybe these INTJ forums should have a dating-but-not forum, I see a lot of INTJs here who are just saying the same things, I sure as hell want to find my INTJ friend an intelligent girl, hahah.

Just an idea.

[punkyplatypus]

Interesting. I can see this happening with my favorite INTJ. He does like to ramble, and he has tried to warn me about himself. I wonder if he is convincing himself that we can never be more than friends after over analyzing things. I *have* thought about moving on (emotionally, anyway) if he won't get his act together and realize I'm quite willing and able to stick around and work through our idiosyncrasies (but only if he's a willing participant, as well).


If this guy is anything else like me and you really like him, I suggest being straight forward about how you feel & let him know that you've noticed from how he's acted that probably he feels the same way (have examples). From here he can deny your claim of his feelings towards you, accept this claim & be willing to continue in a more meaningful relationship with you, accept this claim & be unwilling to continue on to a deeper relationship, or become extremely introverted & unwilling to continue this kind of discussion.

If he responds that he does have more passionate feelings for you but thinks any deeper relationship would not work, ask why. Be prepared to explain to him in logical manner how you see the both of you having a workable relationship together and be ready to refute & handle any pitfalls you may be able to forsee. If you cannot think of a way to remedy a pitfall, don't rush. This is a discussion you can come back to later after you have given it more thought; remember, in this situation he has feelings for you so he'll be willing to work on a solution later, too. As long as there is a mutual attraction you should be able to have a relationship with this guy.

If he states the only feelings for you he has are platonic or if he becomes extremely introverted, you should back down. These are the less favorable situations. If you push too hard, you may lose him as a friend here.

Good luck :)

[AJB]

I tended to have similar issues finding the right girl. It used to be bad both finding and keeping one once I did. After some introspection, I decided that I needed to not hold girls' standards and my relationships with them (or other people for that matter) to the same super standards I attempt to hold myself to.

Also, I decided to do as Volk suggested and just have fun being myself. I have fun being myself and observing how other react especially girls. Additionally I began to treat small talk as a tool for reading the person (like Brad eluded to in his post). Only I found it be a successful mechanism for finding my way into the deeper more intelligent conversations. Most of the time I found the person to have problems carrying the deeper / more intelligent conversation, but in some instances, they did.

Finding a compatible someone has definitely been a numbers game for me. I know that there is a small percentage of girls out there that would work well with me. Therefore, I know that I need to be out there constantly looking for them. My recent experiences have taught me that meeting and dating girls takes practice. Like riding a bike, I know I didn't jump on and start riding right away. Time and persistence have rewarded me lately.

Where to start is tough, but if you take Monte's advice and find a social club, church, bowling/darts/bags/pool/softball/etc league. You'll probably find it much easier to going. Like training wheels until your ready to go out on your own.... It worked for me.

But I think the recent success I've had all started with that period of real introspection. Knowing my personality and understanding myself more completely has allowed me to avoid the pitfalls of over analyzing why a girl could be into me if I don't even meet my lofty standards for myself. This kind of thinking used to kill my relationships fast and often before they even started. Now I figure that she has her own expectations and standards that I obviously meet (or else she would be giving me time and interest.)

Above all else, remember that you are an INTJ -- a mastermind.

[sriv]

Above all else, remember that you are an INTJ -- a mastermind.

What does that have to do with anything?

[AJB]

What does that have to do with anything?

Sriv,

Its a motivational statement as well as an attempt to trigger introspection. For me, I know that my persona reflects many of the characteristics described in by the INTJ profile. I use this thought to remind myself of this and it helps me stay confident and focused.

[ethsar46]

The main reason I havent been in a relationship in a very long time is because it takes me a very long time to open up to people and tell them how I feel. Once i finally get into my mind to let someone im interested in know, they've already moved on to someone else :cry:. This has happened a few times to me, and while im resolved to not let it happen again, im yet to meet another woman I have feelings for beyond friendship.

Im not a big fan of meeting people in clubs unless its through friends, Im definatly not the kind of person to strike up a convo with a complete stranger unless they approched me, and even then id be suspicious of them.

[demaugustus]

Some women go out of their way to draw me out of my "shell".

They have always been extroverted types, who don't like what they see when the "shell" is removed. My theory is that I have a high enough degree of Alpha-maleness for them to go out of their way for me, but when they realize that there is a whole lot of shit running through my mind they are either intimidated and/or would rather deal with a simpler mind.

I'm currently trying to find a woman who knows how to handle me, probably an INXX, but I may have to be the one to try and bring her out of her "shell". I have my eye out for those sexy women reading alone in a corner; although, I have yet to see one and all those ES'ish women flashing their boobs everywhere can be distracting...

Yeah...I'm still in college, so my view of the world is probably a little skewed and idealistic, but I'll be out in a few months, can't wait.

[Solaris]

Adult dating sucks. I've said it before, but I thought I'd repeat for emphasis. I agree with the general consensus here, and have the same issues. Mainly, I just find it irritating. Plus, I look nearly 10 years younger than I am it turns out, so getting the men I'd like to ask me out is an even greatere challenge.

[rahdam]

Plus, I look nearly 10 years younger than I am it turns out...

That's a wonderful gift that genetics have given you.

[Solaris]

That's a wonderful gift that genetics have given you.

Yes, but I'm sure you can see how it would hinder my attempts to attract intelligent men older than me. It works great to attract men between the ages of 18-24 though, but that's just....wrong. I want to wear a sign that states that I am 29, not 19.

[fictionsmosaic]

The closest thing I had to a relationship was at the end of high school. There was a girl who I really admired for her character as well as in my eyes, a unique outlook on things. What I did was give her a letter and walk off, but as luck would have it, she went off for college somewhere out of state a few weeks later.

The second closest to a relationship for me was in college when a friend gave me a ride to the college. She did that for me a few times after during college. She tried to get me out of my shell, it irritated her. There was also another girl in second semester who I found out liked me (it was pointed out a few weeks after the end of that year by one of my friends at the time).

I really don't know what I want in a relationship, never had one and I'm unsure of what type of relationship. I'll be content if it reaches the point of friendship.

[azelismia]

Yes, but I'm sure you can see how it would hinder my attempts to attract intelligent men older than me. It works great to attract men between the ages of 18-24 though, but that's just....wrong. I want to wear a sign that states that I am 29, not 19.


Solaris, I have the same "gift", it sucks at your age... but give it a few more years and you are going to be greatful for it. I stopped getting violently carded* every time I went to the liquor store a couple years ago (although it still happens on occasion and I am 37) the first time they didn't dispute that my id must be fake, or look at it and me and it and me 9 times you suddenly feel very very old. :) Honestly I thought I hated it until it stopped.... people used to think my ex hubby was my father. He was only two years older than me.
not looking your age as you really do reach midlife is a very very nice thing.

So... Stop hating it and learn to love it. ;)

*by violently carded, I mean them saying they aren't going to sell it to you because it's a fake id and having to tell them to call the police adn verify it. One time someone tried to take away my passport. I had a half hour stand off there. I was 27 or 28 at the time. I didn't have a cell phone or I would have called the police. the guy probably planned on selling it on the black market.

[Freedom2009]

I kind of have the opposite problem. I look older than I am (and I'm usually attracted to women that are older than me), but once my age comes out... nothing.

I guess my problem is that I don't like "girly" girls. I like girls who can just act like people instead of trying to prove how cute they are or whatever they're doing. That, and like I said, I'm usually more attracted to older girls because they actually have something to talk about instead of their clothes and how cute everything is.

All my friends tell me I'm looking for a guy in a girls body.

[Headstrong]

All my friends tell me I'm looking for a guy in a girls body.

This guy and I were talking the other night (we're interested in each other) and he says..."Dude, you're like the female version of me!" I guess that was the ultimate compliment?

We are out there. Keep searching.

[Freedom2009]

I'm sure they are out there, just few and far between.

[44sunsets]

How about going out swing dancing :cool:

Tried that, I quickly discovered I was much too uncoordinated to pull it off. I also have trouble leading, which is indicative of other problems in my life (indecisiveness, lack of strength and confidence).

In short, I realised that I was way too much of a pussy, and that I need to "man up". I'm currently working on that.


All my friends tell me I'm looking for a guy in a girls body.

You're looking for an INTJ girl. They're rare (as rare as INFJ men), but they're out there. You have to know where to look. Academia and the graphic novel/comics/writing scene is a good start.

[Bioplasmoid]

Imagine speed dating, in this community, it would be so efficient! But seriously, it would be great to have a forum like this with the ability to do videochat, maybe on a turn by turn basis, just like posting on a forum. Where can i have webcam chats with whole groups of people, where the interface gives you lots of small video windows simutaneously? Now that would be cool.

[Freedom2009]

I kinda figured I was looking for an INTx. I know they say opposites attract, but I don't get along well with people who are very far different from me. I don't know what it is, and from what I read it doesn't sound like an INTJ thing so much as a me thing. I guess I deal with a lot of other types all day, so my ideal match would be someone I could come home to that would understand me (as opposed to trying to explain that I'm quiet because I'm depressed, etc...)

[jesse]

Relationships, forming and maintaining them, are a typical Achilles heel of the INTJ type. I see this in others and in myself and it does somewhat piss me off at times. Over the years you learn to accept this feature of yourself and the "pains" ease gradually. Namely the thing that made me accept myself without conditions was finding out I was an INTJ a couple of years ago.

Genetics also at times give me a headache because I look too young in my own opinion. I might think differently 20-40 years down the road but as a young adult, you'd rather look older than younger methinks.

Freedom2009,
I would ignore the comment about looking for a guy in a girl's body. This statement seems as if it came from the mouth of someone who does not have you too well understood. Sure it complicates life when you have high standards and a good picture of what you are after, but keep at it and do not get discouraged.

[overclockedgirl]

Wow Freedom, I didn't think INTJ men like INTJ women so much? I always have wanted an INTJ boyfriend but can't seem to get one so I know how that goes.

[Freedom2009]

From what I've read, it doesn't seem like many do. I don't know what it is. I can be friends with all types, but when it gets to close personal relationships, it seems like other types just try to change me, and we never connect because we don't understand each other.

Of course, my idea of a relationship is... different I guess, because as soon as a girl comes to me being either very submissive or trying to prove to me that they're "strong women", I'm done with them. I look at it more as two people in a relationship as opposed to having 'roles' in the relationship.

[44sunsets]

From what I've read, it doesn't seem like many do.

I've seen two INTJ-INTJ relationships that I know of IRL so far, but all the rest seem to have the INTJ men together with other types of women. I guess it really depends on the INTJ man in question -- some of them prefer the more "girly" girls, others prefer the more analytical and intellectual types.

I look at it more as two people in a relationship as opposed to having 'roles' in the relationship.

I used to think that too, but I changed my mind after seeing how things actually work. I think people have to take up roles, otherwise it just doesn't work well usually.

For example, the man's role is to lead and make decisions -- that take into account the woman, of course, but nonetheless it is his role to lead. Women look down on a man who is incapable of leading -- he is seen as spineless and immature.

There's equality, but there's also not equality. Expecting equality and equal responsibility in all matters is a recipe for heartbreak, and divorce.

[Freedom2009]

I agree with that. I mean, someone has to make the final decision, but I've been in so many relationships that I had to make every decision, every time, and after a while it feels like I'm just hanging out by myself. It's not that I can't make a decision; I do that all the time.

[Motor Jax]

I'm sure they are out there, just few and far between.

actually, not that hard to find

just have to know where to look

it depends on what type you feel comfortable with, and then that type of hangout

i met my g/f cause i had a night off last year (from working at the club), but i showed up anyways to watch the pool teams play league (this was before i joined the next season). my friend, charlie was there. and his team was playing my now g/f's team, and she had hit me with her stick by accident.

it went on from there

but the thing is, i had to leave my comfort zone to go find her. and once i did, and ran into her, it has been one hell of a year


so, whenever you are ready, just cowboy up

[schwartzie]

For me, and maybe for all women, it gets easier to find compatible partners when you let yourself be yourself, and set aside social expectations that fit less well. For me that happened at about 30--after college and some years working. Growing into my own skin, learning what made me happy, what I had to share. Once that's figured out, and even tho the odds of meeting, say, a rare INTJ, aren't great, its a big world. If you look in the right places, compatible people can be pretty easy to find. (e.g., I used to be married, and met my INTJ spouse in a bookstore, where he worked part-time, mostly to meet girls....)

[Synamon]

I guess my problem is that I don't like "girly" girls. I like girls who can just act like people instead of trying to prove how cute they are or whatever they're doing. That, and like I said, I'm usually more attracted to older girls because they actually have something to talk about instead of their clothes and how cute everything is.

All my friends tell me I'm looking for a guy in a girls body.
You just described a female INTJ, and there are not a lot of us out there, so your search will be extra tough. As already said in this thread, you need to focus on looking in the right places, and I seriously doubt a 'club' is it. On the plus side an INTJ woman is likely to have many of the same interests as yours, so get out there and go do things that interest you in a more social setting.

[AutisticCuckoo]

Looking back on my track record it seems I can find a (brief) relationship once every 12 years, although the statistical material is admittedly a bit thin. That means I might meet a woman sometime next year. LOL :)

For some reason I find it easier to form friendships with women than with men, but it never progresses beyond that.

I don't know if it's because no women ever find me attractive or if it's because I'm unable to pick up the signals when they do, but I never detect anything. It's not that I'm a repulsive person; like I said, I can form serious and lasting friendships. Although I'm not exactly good-looking (far from it), there are uglier men than me who have no problems finding relationships. And it's not that I smell bad, either, I'm almost sure. :)

I live in the middle of nowhere, and I lost interest in going to pubs and bars a decade ago. That means I only meet women at work. Although 80+% of the employees here are female, there hasn't even been any close calls. Virtually everyone in the 'interesting' age bracket seems to be in a relationship already, anyway.

I've come to terms with this and I'm prepared to live out the rest of my days in solitude. But I admit that I wish things were different sometimes.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

In my half century on the planet I've observed that most people like to be persued a little. The problem with this is that many of us don't deal with rejection well. The answer.......allow yourself to be rejected as much as possible. Look at it in the same way as you would deal with a phobia you were trying to get over....... just keep exposing yourself to your fear until your numb to the pain. Conversely, you could try therapy. But, why give in to it? Why not persue what you want with as much energy and guts as you can muster?

[PRBori]

Hmm... as a women I don't look for men and I'm hardly ever out on social events. That said the only chance for someone to meet me will be at a conference or expo related to my field. As for co-workers they have no chance for I don't go out with co-workers at all or clients. And lately to be honest I don't care much about finding a men at all... I have no need for one at this time. At this point I'm in a strange relationship with someone overseas and that is fine for now. Once it's over... Oh well is over and do not plan to look for a men at all.

When I do go to events, I dress down so much men tend to ignore me and that's just the way I want it... although I must admit some men don't seem to be turn off by it... weird, I would expect them to be turn out since I don't wear make up or look too femenine.

Just went to a picnic with over 200 people and what I do? I just go around taking pictures and get all the toddlers together for finger paint. I have 0 conversation with adults with the exception of the kids mothers. Only one men approach me for a more in depth conversation and end up helping me with my things... everyone else was busy with their own things. So normally that's how I react in a social event... I limit myself from everyone else as much as possible and only hold conversations when necessary but do not meet many people at all.

[44sunsets]

Once that's figured out, and even tho the odds of meeting, say, a rare INTJ, aren't great, its a big world. If you look in the right places, compatible people can be pretty easy to find. (e.g., I used to be married, and met my INTJ spouse in a bookstore, where he worked part-time, mostly to meet girls....)

Bookstore certainly makes sense!

There's bucketloads of INTJ men in IT (web developers, software engineers etc) and technology fields. As for INTJ women, not really sure, but I can say from experience that there are quite a few in the graphic novel/comics industry, as well as the library world.

Actually meeting and getting to know them is the hard bit.