Open Relationships

[Rammaukinn]

I won't get into the arguments in detail unless some people really want me to.

How many of you all are in 'Open Relationships', not the type where you just have sex with tons of people all the time, but the kind where you would let your partner do what they wanted to if they decided to try something?

My girlfriend (ESFJ) and I have dated for a little over three years and a half and started an open relationship about a year ago. Since starting it we have grown even more in love. The whole getting rid of requirements on love, and just letting the emotion act on its own really let us experience 'pure love'. I guess that's the best way to put it. It took some time to get over jealousy issues, but we are both pretty confident that this is the right thing.

[ShaiGar]

Not me. I have a collar and leash for the woman I love... And an ankle bracelet with chain that keeps her close to the kitchen.

[True Rune]

Uh, never heard of it or heard of anyone who does it. But I would think of it as foolish from what I've seen so far. "Letting emotion act on it's own" results in hurt feelings, and you really can't strip "love" of it's requirements. But then again I don't understand romantic love, and only really know good will love.

[Rammaukinn]

Uh, never heard of it or heard of anyone who does it. But I would think of it as foolish from what I've seen so far. "Letting emotion act on it's own" results in hurt feelings, and you really can't strip "love" of it's requirements. But then again I don't understand romantic love, and only really know good will love.

Well you have to be incredibly honest with your partner so neither one gets hurt. You have to function with the thinking that the other person's happiness is greater then your own in regards to their own person. Which means basically that you shouldn't have control or requirements over any aspect of their life. "I love you...unless you do this or that" hardly seems to be treating love as an emotion but rather as a series of conditions that suit your level of comfort.

I argue that if you truly love someone, you will let them do what makes them happiest. If they truly love you they would let you do the same. What is there to lose? If my girlfriend found someone better than me (though my INTJness finds that unlikely), then she should go for it and leave me so she can be happier.

The very foundation of human happiness comes from freedom of one to act as one wishes. If you love someone, should they not be free to do as they please? Aren't requirements on love just extensions of silly emotions and insecurities such as jealousy, control issues, selfishness and such?

In short, unconditional love is love practiced in its most true form. How can you say that you will love someone unless they sleep with someone else? Sure they could have broken some sort of 'trust' and made you upset, but isnt it the relationship's fault for having excessory requirements not revolving around the base of the relationship, which is love for one another?

(But hey, do whatever you want, we just set up a system for where neither of us could get hurt if we wanted to experiment... which seems to be the root cause of most failed relationships. I can't cheat on my girlfriend if there are no rules.)

[True Rune]

Things like that don't seem like they'd last. Plus I don't see promiscuity as a good thing. I don't think unconditional love is being a "permissive" parent, letting them do as they wish. I don't really think I can talk on this though. I find romantic stuff boring, and get confused by your use of the word "love".

[Rammaukinn]

Yeah defining terms usually helps, I should have done that. I guess I am using love as "Concern for the welfare of another". Romantic love would just be the person you have the most concern for and also enjoy doing all those things usually associated with love with. I figure this is the broadest swoop.

I wanted to make it clear that this doesn't lead to promiscuity. My girlfriend and I have only done one thing each so far, we just dont like most people so we dont like doing things with them. But sometimes it can be fun. There are many types of Open Relationships, it isn't all just for nymphos :)

Yeah I always hear "Doesn't seem like it would last", but with not many people trying it, and the huge failure rate of marriages, I figure I have some okay odds.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I can't say I've never thought about it, but I have decided against it because I believe that, for me, the trust issues I already have would be exacerbated.....and I also believe that the trust within the relationship would eventually be eroded.

[changos]

Be careful. (just mi 2 cents). I live in Central America (perhaps that made my case so difficult). Never tried an open relationship or had real interest on it until I tried. Two girls wanted it on diff times of my life (I knew it was a mistake for me to ask for it... they asked first). We put things clear but didn't work.

Sexual relationships, or even kiss (good kisses, the ones you enjoy) create attachments with people. Beware of that. In my group of friends (with another INTJ) we believe there is no such thing as an open relationship.

Everything for me ended up in a mess as they wanted a real relationship at the end. Ok, blame it on me, perhaps I didn't knew how to manage it, who knows. I'm not the kind of guy for open relationships and I regret it.

The world is a small place, it can ruin your next relationships.

[vad1981]

I won't get into the arguments in detail unless some people really want me to.

How many of you all are in 'Open Relationships', not the type where you just have sex with tons of people all the time, but the kind where you would let your partner do what they wanted to if they decided to try something?

My girlfriend (ESFJ) and I have dated for a little over three years and a half and started an open relationship about a year ago. Since starting it we have grown even more in love. The whole getting rid of requirements on love, and just letting the emotion act on its own really let us experience 'pure love'. I guess that's the best way to put it. It took some time to get over jealousy issues, but we are both pretty confident that this is the right thing.

Well, it worked for you - you are probably in the minority. I personally cant get over the jealousy issue - in fact I became obsessed with it to the point where it was interferin with my work, my life, my hapiness.

[Parallel]

Well you have to be incredibly honest with your partner so neither one gets hurt. You have to function with the thinking that the other person's happiness is greater then your own in regards to their own person. Which means basically that you shouldn't have control or requirements over any aspect of their life. "I love you...unless you do this or that" hardly seems to be treating love as an emotion but rather as a series of conditions that suit your level of comfort.

I argue that if you truly love someone, you will let them do what makes them happiest. If they truly love you they would let you do the same. What is there to lose? If my girlfriend found someone better than me (though my INTJness finds that unlikely), then she should go for it and leave me so she can be happier.

The very foundation of human happiness comes from freedom of one to act as one wishes. If you love someone, should they not be free to do as they please? Aren't requirements on love just extensions of silly emotions and insecurities such as jealousy, control issues, selfishness and such?

In short, unconditional love is love practiced in its most true form. How can you say that you will love someone unless they sleep with someone else? Sure they could have broken some sort of 'trust' and made you upset, but isnt it the relationship's fault for having excessory requirements not revolving around the base of the relationship, which is love for one another?

(But hey, do whatever you want, we just set up a system for where neither of us could get hurt if we wanted to experiment... which seems to be the root cause of most failed relationships. I can't cheat on my girlfriend if there are no rules.)

I completely agree with you. When my boyfriend jokes around on several occasions about wanting to have a threesome or suggesting something kinky that I'm not into, I reply with, "You're not gonna get that from me so feel free to get it from some other girl." I say this with the intention that I don't want him to have these desires and feel like being in a relationship with me is imposing an oppressive weight that demands the repression of his desires just because he won't get it from me. When I say something like that, he immediately gets offended and accuses me of "not caring about him" as he is the jealous type that gets mad if I comment that I think some guy is just good-looking.

[vad1981]

I completely agree with you. When my boyfriend jokes around on several occasions about wanting to have a threesome or suggesting something kinky that I'm not into, I reply with, "You're not gonna get that from me so feel free to get it from some other girl." I say this with the intention that I don't want him to have these desires and feel like being in a relationship with me is imposing an oppressive weight that demands the repression of his desires just because he won't get it from me. When I say something like that, he immediately gets offended and accuses me of "not caring about him" as he is the jealous type that gets mad if I comment that I think some guy is just good-looking.

Your boyfriend has some fantasies brewing in his head like a lot of guys, whether they will bubble out or not - depends on him. Also sounds like he's too sensitive about you looking at a guy (or maybe its just his way of showing you that he loves you).

[OneBadMother]

I guess that it can work, but in my case it would probably be my partner doing all the doing what they wanted. I am somewhat possessive of people (rather, person) I love and while I want to make them as happy, healthy, and victorious as it's within my power to do, I would wish that I would be personally capable of maintaining that state for them. People who I am capable of feeling like that towards are very rare and only one at any given moment. So though it would be preferable for them to do whatever with my knowledge rather than without, I can't say it wouldn't sting. I would probably end up distancing myself from them in order to get over any hangups or jealousy I might have, causing me to no longer care about that person and defeating the purpose of being in a relationship with them at all.

[Jakalwarrior]

I would rather be alone than share. Lonely is something I can cope with, something I can live with indefinetly. My loved one sleeping with somone else is not though. They would be dead to me on the spot. Would tell them thank you for hurting me, never speak to me again, hope your new person screws you over royally.
Conversely I would never cheat. I wouldn't want to hurt my person.
Its just not in me to comprehend that sort of relationship.
I have a good friend who is in a relationship like that with his ex-fiance'. To her face he will tell her its great and all by choice. Privately it tears him up and hes only in it because its the only way he can hang on to anything with her.

[Motor Jax]

screw that

there has to be a level of committment of both parties. there has to be a restraint for these emotions, and that takes discipline (which is obviously getting all to uncommon in today's world)


besides, i wouldn't want sloppy seconds

[Jakalwarrior]

screw that

there has to be a level of committment of both parties. there has to be a restraint for these emotions, and that takes discipline (which is obviously getting all to uncommon in today's world)


besides, i wouldn't want sloppy seconds

Just picture your woman holding hands with another man. Next they move on to some light kissing and it keeps goin on until hes ravaging her, hands and tongue everywhere (both parties, her enjoying it just as much ). It then moves on to nasty sex with lots of moaning. Afterwards they hold and cuddle. After a bit of conversation and light giggling she gives him a kiss then she comes home, kisses you on the cheek, and tells you all about it.

Then I turn off the cheap porn with a sign of disgust and thank sphagetti monster I have a faithful loving wife.

[TheBlindSage]

I would rather be alone than share. Lonely is something I can cope with, something I can live with indefinetly. My loved one sleeping with somone else is not though. They would be dead to me on the spot. Would tell them thank you for hurting me, never speak to me again, hope your new person screws you over royally.
Conversely I would never cheat. I wouldn't want to hurt my person.


QFT
Just had to do that.

[Rammaukinn]

Just picture your woman holding hands with another man. Next they move on to some light kissing and it keeps goin on until hes ravaging her, hands and tongue everywhere (both parties, her enjoying it just as much ). It then moves on to nasty sex with lots of moaning. Afterwards they hold and cuddle. After a bit of conversation and light giggling she gives him a kiss then she comes home, kisses you on the cheek, and tells you all about it.

Then I turn off the cheap porn with a sign of disgust and thank sphagetti monster I have a faithful loving wife.

screw that

there has to be a level of committment of both parties. there has to be a restraint for these emotions, and that takes discipline (which is obviously getting all to uncommon in today's world)


besides, i wouldn't want sloppy seconds

You guys are missing the point. I got rid of jealousy. It is a stupid emotion. What use does it serve except to make everyone mad and upset? Train yourself to shed yourself of this emotion, that is what you should aim for, instead of feeding it by making sex the core part of relationships.

Love does not equal sex, everyone will agree with this.

Why then is sex the most critical part of most relationships. Shouldn't love be? Sure sex can be an expression of love, but only if you choose to make it so. Now most of you have to be honest, you are not always "showing the gift of love" when you have sex, sometimes you are just having a good time! Now if you can learn that your spouse can feel this same 'just a good time' feeling you can feel, then surely you can understand that sex is not an inherent betrayel of relationships. Simply because our culture has set sex up to be so important, making it in fact the entire basis of relationship (cheating a relationship only refers to sex) rules, does not mean you should keep it that way.

I am deeply commited to keeping my partner happy. Anything she wants to do she can (obvious exceptions like become a crack whore) and she lets me do whatever I want.

Our relationship focuses on love, not on sex, an action which only has as much meaning as you want to put into it.

[ElstonGunn]

I am deeply commited to keeping my partner happy. Anything she wants to do she can (obvious exceptions like become a crack whore) and she lets me do whatever I want.

Which means basically that you shouldn't have control or requirements over any aspect of their life. "I love you...unless you do this or that" hardly seems to be treating love as an emotion but rather as a series of conditions that suit your level of comfort. [...] The very foundation of human happiness comes from freedom of one to act as one wishes. If you love someone, should they not be free to do as they please? Aren't requirements on love just extensions of silly emotions and insecurities such as jealousy, control issues, selfishness and such?

Can you rectify these two statements?

It's probably just my inner SFJ coming out, but I can't help but get the hunch that you want the benefits of a relationship without the obligations.

[PortInStorm]

I think the crux of the problem is actually the idea of exclusivity itself, not the idea of exclusivity of sex (sexual unfaithfulness) or loving feelings ("emotional affairs").

To be honest, I abide by my faith that says that a couple should be sexually faithful to partner(s) they've committed to. However, I realize that men usually have the hangup regarding sharing sexually, and women the hangup of sharing emotionally. Since the specific facet of exclusivity is up for grabs based on gender, the underlying objection is sharing your partner at all. Cases in point: the often rough relationship between wives and their mothers-in-law, the fact that husbands and wives here in NA move out from their extended families etc.

But we all need to realize that you can't expect one person to not feel other things for other people, as much as you can try to curb those feelings or actions. It's just not right to expect your spouse to limit everything to you.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I think the crux of the problem is actually the idea of exclusivity itself, not the idea of exclusivity of sex (sexual unfaithfulness) or loving feelings ("emotional affairs").

To be honest, I abide by my faith that says that a couple should be sexually faithful to partner(s) they've committed to. However, I realize that men usually have the hangup regarding sharing sexually, and women the hangup of sharing emotionally. Since the specific facet of exclusivity is up for grabs based on gender, the underlying objection is sharing your partner at all. Cases in point: the often rough relationship between wives and their mothers-in-law, the fact that husbands and wives here in NA move out from their extended families etc.

But we all need to realize that you can't expect one person to not feel other things for other people, as much as you can try to curb those feelings or actions. It's just not right to expect your spouse to limit everything to you.
Agreed. However, I think this question has more to do with trust. I believe that, for the mojority of people, sharing their partner with others would slowly erode their trust in their partner. Thoughts of the 'other'(s) being more desirable, more intelligent, more capable, whatever.....would creep in.

[Motor Jax]

and i can't get over the fact of why two people who claim to love each other would decide to get their rocks off on someone else

"i love you, but i'm going to screw her. it's what i want to do."


...seems to relay the msg that obviously your partner is just not doing the job... and it goes the other way also...



"it's just not fulfilling when i can screw around on you."


ok, i'm ranting

but i'm gonna have to pull the BS flag on this one...

[PortInStorm]

Yes, true. But I think this lack of trust/jealousy comes from a misunderstanding that any one human can be entirely better across all domains. Whenever you look at two people, you realize one is stronger at this, and the other stronger at that. Once everyone realizes this, they might relax a little and know that the very reason that a partner looks elsewhere for certain needs (craves the other person's strength in a partner's weak area), is the same reason they'll stay with their current partner (as soon as you realize the other's strength, you should see their weaknesses where your partner shines, and so don't want to lose all your present partner's strengths).





2ndtimestudent added to this post, 2 minutes and 49 seconds later...

Yes, I don't agree with sexual infidelity, but honestly, what's wrong with admitting that you can't fill all of your partner's needs? I also can't fill every job description in this country, but it doesn't make me feel inadequate.

I'll never throw homey, extravagant family dinners at Christmas and Thanksgiving, so my husband relies on his mom for that. That's OK with me.

[Motor Jax]

as with strength and weaknesses, i'd rather have the individualized package with all the flaws, than going around and getting the whole package from a bunch of different people


"oh, that's a nice Chevy Geo Metro"

"Thanks. It's kinda small, but it has great gas mileage. Although it doesn't go as fast as other cars. And it has no CD player. But those are just some flaws it has."



"Say, that's a nice Silverado/F150/Dodge, half convertible, Lincoln you have."

"Thanks. I wanted the whole package with the XM Radio, Onstar, 4 wheel drive, heated leather seats, and convertible too. Did I mention it has a Hemi?"



so, one falls in love with someone's strengths... and never mind the weaknesses since they can now be ignored by going to someone else to fulfill those strengths?

[vaguely dissatisfied]

and i can't get over the fact of why two people who claim to love each other would decide to get their rocks off on someone else

"i love you, but i'm going to screw her. it's what i want to do."


...seems to relay the msg that obviously your partner is just not doing the job... and it goes the other way also...



"it's just not fulfilling when i can screw around on you."


ok, i'm ranting

but i'm gonna have to pull the BS flag on this one...
This has less to do with love than sex for pleasure only. Variety is the spice of life you know.





vaguely dissatisfied added to this post, 2 minutes and 51 seconds later...

Yes, true. But I think this lack of trust/jealousy comes from a misunderstanding that any one human can be entirely better across all domains. Whenever you look at two people, you realize one is stronger at this, and the other stronger at that. Once everyone realizes this, they might relax a little and know that the very reason that a partner looks elsewhere for certain needs (craves the other person's strength in a partner's weak area), is the same reason they'll stay with their current partner (as soon as you realize the other's strength, you should see their weaknesses where your partner shines, and so don't want to lose all your present partner's strengths).





2ndtimestudent added to this post, 2 minutes and 49 seconds later...

Yes, I don't agree with sexual infidelity, but honestly, what's wrong with admitting that you can't fill all of your partner's needs? I also can't fill every job description in this country, but it doesn't make me feel inadequate.

I'll never throw homey, extravagant family dinners at Christmas and Thanksgiving, so my husband relies on his mom for that. That's OK with me.
Very good points. It may come down to the question of why we even bother being in monogymous relationships. I mean why don't we just all live in communes and sleep around (protected of course)? There's something within the human psyche that pushes us toward couple pairing....I think????





vaguely dissatisfied added to this post, 1 minutes and 8 seconds later...

"It's kinda small....."

Now that's funny...........

[catd]

I have known a lot of couples that tried it. It always destroyed the relationship at some point. Whether it was a threesome or an open relationship, it was always the death knell.

[Motor Jax]

i'm pretty entrenched in my own ideals to give anything other than a very biased opinion, but i don't see myself partaking in this


Our relationship focuses on love, not on sex, an action which only has as much meaning as you want to put into it.
This has less to do with love than sex for pleasure only. Variety is the spice of life you know.

this seems contradictory to me

[vaguely dissatisfied]

I mean having sex with someone can have nothing to do with love. So.....I may love my partner, but fantasize about other men. Maybe I'd like to have a threesome. This doesn't mean I love my partner less and it doeasn't mean he doesn't satisfy me sexually. It just means that I would like to try having sex with two men at one time.

Just an example.........

[PortInStorm]

Good previous question Vague. If it weren't for my faith, I would probably try out the commune thing, or at least polygamy (both sexes multiple partners, not just one man many women).

This may sound completely contradictory, but I too feel the pull towards coupling but not so much for exclusivity as for loyalty/#1 position. I may have to get some of my needs met by others (hahaha, the car example was hilarious Jax :-), but I still consider my husband my #1 priority.

As to getting needs met everywhere, it's not so much that I'd go to others for superfluous (sp?) things (hmmm, I'd like someone with a deeper voice etc), it's that you feel a very real void that's almost essential, yet the partners' strengths are essential for you as well. I mean, how many others are committed to their partners yet come to this forum for that particular kind of understanding we feel comes from similar type, something their partner can't provide? That is a kind of 'outsourcing' as well.





2ndtimestudent added to this post, 46 minutes and 38 seconds later...

One more thing- this either/or proposition actually encourages breakups. "Let's see, I need great gas mileage, but I also need 4x4, and lots of leg room ....So since I can't keep the mileage and look for 4x4 and leg room, I'll break up with Mr. Gas Mileage and try to find great mileage, 4x4 AND leg room (even though I myself am no where near that well equipped, neither is anyone else on the planet). I'll spend my life discontent, looking for that consummate car that has everything necessary to me."

[aok]

I'm closed off to open.........relationships

[Motor Jax]

i just think there is a pretty decent line between giving yourself to one person or giving yourself to multiple persons

and there is the difference in coming together of minds, and coming together for procreation





Motor Jax added to this post, 16 minutes and 21 seconds later...

cars the go from 0-120 isn't a necessity, unless you live for speeding tickets


i'm just saying there is a wall between a marriage of fidelity and an open marriage. a certain degree of restraint and discipline should be there

i mean, i'm tempted to rob a bank, but that doesn't mean i'm going to do it. i'm tempted to outrun the cops, but i'm not into getting beat up. i'm tempted to rub up against these meds students, but i don't think that would go over very well


so, i'm left with imagination instead of checking to see if the grass is greener on the other side


but then again, i don't mind depriving myself of this either... i find i enjoy it more in the wake of great absences

[vaguely dissatisfied]

".......and there is the difference in coming together of minds, and coming together for procreation...."

What if you've been neutered?

".......a certain degree of restraint and discipline should be there......"

This begs a .........why??????? Not because I disagree, but because I always want to know why.

".......i mean, i'm tempted to rob a bank, but that doesn't mean i'm going to do it. i'm tempted to outrun the cops, but i'm not into getting beat up. i'm tempted to rub up against these meds students, but i don't think that would go over very well......."

Obviously you think there is something immoral or illegal about having multiple partners....why? As for the latter comment........it would probably go over very well.

"i find i enjoy it more in the wake of great absences"

There is something to be said for not being a glutton.





vaguely dissatisfied added to this post, 1 minutes and 27 seconds later...

Good previous question Vague. If it weren't for my faith, I would probably try out the commune thing, or at least polygamy (both sexes multiple partners, not just one man many women).

Religion can put a real damper on thing can't it?

[PortInStorm]

Well, like I said in previous posts, since logic can prop up almost any stance, I think there needs to be a definitive reference of what's right and wrong. Can I prove that the Bible is the definitive right or wrong? No. Have I researched it, and it seems reasonable to me? Yes. So I don't think that religion dampened things for me, because it serves a very real purpose, otherwise there would be no anchor, no absolute of what was right and wrong. If that means that I can't have sex with other people, that seems like a small price to pay.

I agree Jax, there is a line for me too, and it's sleeping with other people. Any other need though, is fair game, IMO.

[yondyr]

Polyandry can work, if all partners are mature enough to incorporate another into their egos...and the knowledge/skills base expands enormously - deeply satisfying.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Well, like I said in previous posts, since logic can prop up almost any stance, I think there needs to be a definitive reference of what's right and wrong. Can I prove that the Bible is the definitive right or wrong? No. Have I researched it, and it seems reasonable to me? Yes. So I don't think that religion dampened things for me, because it serves a very real purpose, otherwise there would be no anchor, no absolute of what was right and wrong. If that means that I can't have sex with other people, that seems like a small price to pay.

I agree Jax, there is a line for me too, and it's sleeping with other people. Any other need though, is fair game, IMO.
I said that tongue-in-cheek. I mean no disrespect for your beliefs. I hope I didn't offend.

Along those lines and because it's interesting ........ I thought exactly the same way a while ago.





vaguely dissatisfied added to this post, 1 minutes and 0 seconds later...

Polyandry can work, if all partners are mature enough to incorporate another into their egos...and the knowledge/skills base expands enormously - deeply satisfying.
Now I'm jealous.

[PortInStorm]

NO, no, Vague, no offense taken. Who knows? I may join you later on in your thoughts. I just didn't want it to seem like my faith was a ball and chain to me.

Yondyr, in many ways you're my hero :-)

[futureperfect5]

The "usual" does not last either ...

Be safe and have fun.
This isn't about children so "promiscuity" hardly applies -- neither does permission.

The main thing in a situation like this is honesty -- everyone has to be able to state boundaries or when they are not comfortable with something.

Things like that don't seem like they'd last. Plus I don't see promiscuity as a good thing. I don't think unconditional love is being a "permissive" parent, letting them do as they wish. I don't really think I can talk on this though. I find romantic stuff boring, and get confused by your use of the word "love".

[vaguely dissatisfied]

NO, no, Vague, no offense taken. Who knows? I may join you later on in your thoughts. I just didn't want it to seem like my faith was a ball and chain to me.

Yondyr, in many ways you're my hero :-)
Indeed. I want to be Yondyr when I grow up (which is not likely to happen at this late date).





vaguely dissatisfied added to this post, 3 minutes and 53 seconds later...

Polyandry can work, if all partners are mature enough to incorporate another into their egos...and the knowledge/skills base expands enormously - deeply satisfying.
Just between us..........and anyone else on this forum............

If, hypothetically speaking, my partner were to offer to have a threesome with another male in order to satisfy a hypothetical desire of mine, what suggestions would you make in this hypothetical situation?

[Monte314]

Two men were talking about sex and love, and one happened to mention King Solomon, who had 600 wives and 300 concubines.

"I feel sorry for him", the first said.

"Really?", his friend answered. "Why?"

"Because", said the first, "he never knew what it was to experience that one love so deep and fulfilling that it caused him to turn from all others."

[PRBori]

Hmm.. I guess I'm in what I consider a semi-open relationship. That said I believe in a monogamous relationship; however, due to the fact that he is basically in another country we have made it open. For me I don't like seeing anyone outside of him, but he wants the freedom to see someone if it did happen.

The only rule is that he must tell me ASAP, be direct as soon as he does sleep with somebody else. Once he does I'm out completely, but as long as he is able to hold off until he comes which is every 3+ months then I'm fine with it. There is a lot of TRUST and we are both very direct, not too mention specific on the details it entails. He knows very well that he cannot put his hands on me after being with another women, but does have the freedom to seek one since basically he is single.

I guess that makes me single, but I'm not looking nor do I want anyone else in my life at this point. We have had this relationship for over 1 year now and he hasn't being with anyone but me yet, although that could change anytime. Actually, I know it will as soon as his business takes off because people who become successful tend to change and he will have plenty of beautiful single women with no kids after him. Anyway, for now I consider that an open relationship because he has the freedom to go with other women anytime he wishes.

***

Bottom line I don't really share my men but I give him the freedom to make his own decisions if he so chooses. But once he does, I will be out of his life for good and I mean I will disappear in the air, I will be only a dream that was near only for the time he chose to stand by.

****

I also noticed people talking about trisome... there is NO WAY IN HELL I would approve of such.... I'm a ONE MEN, ONE WOMEN type of gal.

[Monte314]

You are wise not to grasp what you cannot hold.

Does he love you?

[yondyr]

lol I go away and return to find my name taken in...well not in vain, you humble me. grrr that sometimes half a world away by the time I get to read posts the subject has flown by and all has been said, leaving me with responses such as ..ditto...hear, hear...lol...or just sitting back and nodding silently or shaking head in impotent tardy disagreement. Never mind. All amusing.
I do need to say, if there is an agreement to have a relationship, that the other can screw around, yet if he does then it's over... then there IS no agreement at all or at best a fraudulent blackmailing one. And one based perhaps on an insecurity as in, "I'm not good enough if he can fuck another".
Another point, exclusivity is a lovely thing I suppose, as are professions of deep abiding love that eschews all others. However we are fed by many other people in many ways - from perhaps playing chess with them, sharing enthusiasms for hobbies, interests, books, writings... Sex and love are but a few facets of the possibilities people can give to each other - I see no reason why several cannot contribute to the 'pot' as it were, each to their abilities..outsourcing.
Perhaps ours endured because a certain fatalism permeated each. If one walked, then it would be apparent they no longer suited, and that would be accepted. There'd be no fault by any, just acceptance. And we do evolve as we gain years and maturity. I'm using past tense, the older man died recently, it was his time, and the two remaining continue, unchanged. I have this niggling thought that it would be nice to replace the one lost, but the pair of us feed so much of what we need, I can't be bothered looking.
lol I guess at this point I should answer vaguely about her hypothetical. I'd have to say I can't imagine such a scenario being sprung upon a person but I can see the possibility of a gradual emerging affinity occurring that might bring the idea of incorporating that other into the duo. As happened with us. And I might add the 'other' could be a female or a male. Long ago a girl we were friends with was invited to come with us to Australia from California, but she had a full life, and though she and I were hetero, I imagine affection would have increased to a much larger extent in many ways.
I assume 'having a threesome' means three in a bed fucking. Lots of questions arise. Have you reached the stage of trust and honesty to accept such an attachment? Would it be temporary? Would both have the same rights? Would it erode what you now have?
But all in all, having read through the posts to date, it's all a very personal thing, lots of commonsense has been written, and we have to steer our own paths based on our beliefs.
(yikes, I hit enter and all this appeared.., oh well, letting it stand)

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Two men were talking about sex and love, and one happened to mention King Solomon, who had 600 wives and 300 concubines.

"I feel sorry for him", the first said.

"Really?", his friend answered. "Why?"

"Because", said the first, "he never knew what it was to experience that one love so deep and fulfilling that it caused him to turn from all others."
That's just jelousy talking. Just kidding.





vaguely dissatisfied added to this post, 5 minutes and 48 seconds later...

"Lots of questions arise. Have you reached the stage of trust and honesty to accept such an attachment? Would it be temporary? Would both have the same rights? Would it erode what you now have?"

Yeah.......I already knew that, but was daydreaming I guess. It's not something I'd probably do anyway. I think the trust thing would rear it's ugly head. Just because we want something doesn't neccessarily mean we should have it.

[PRBori]

You are wise not to grasp what you cannot hold.

Does he love you?

He admires me and loves me at a friend level for everything I've done for him during this time of need trying to get his company together. Is it LOVE, I don't know.. he has said that I'm more than what he is looking for in a women.

He also said that he doesn't want to interfere with my goals. Nevertheless, I'm happy with the relationship as is. I believe only time will tell what will happen.





PRBori added to this post, 19 minutes and 34 seconds later...


I do need to say, if there is an agreement to have a relationship, that the other can screw around, yet if he does then it's over... then there IS no agreement at all or at best a fraudulent blackmailing one. And one based perhaps on an insecurity as in, "I'm not good enough if he can fuck another".



It is a mutual understanding between two grown up people. I see nothing wrong with that. From day one he knows what it entails, there was no secrets... I made myself clear the minute he ask to be part of my life. That said he had the choice to "Run away" or "stay put" and he choose to stay put for some reason. Nevertheless, I'm not worry about anything because we are both in agreement of what will happen.

It was also made clear that he had the choice of a "Simple Friendship" which would have no consequences since there was no romantic involvment, or a "Romantic Friendship" which of course has consequences. That said again it was a personal choice.

Also is not about am I'm good enough for him. We both know what we want, he knows I'm what his looking for but distance, the fact that I have my own goals, the fact that I have kids, the fact that there are many things to consider when entering a serious relationship take heat over everything else.

Would I like to stay with him and maybe marry him, yes... does the current situation allow it, NO. He is starting a business, a business that requires his time 99.9%, a business that will required him to travel more than 80% of the time and spend time away in other places. I on the other hand have a stable life, stable job, a goal to reach, kids to take care off and I'm the type that do not depend on men.

If we were to go forward is it fair for him to take me to another country for his business when he is not yet stable? Is it fair for me to put more pressure on him and have him take care of me and my kids? There is a lot to consider in this relationship and my answer will be "Unless he get's a contract near where I am for a long period of time, chances of this relationship moving forward at this point is slim". Would he like to move near by, yes, he is working hard on it, would it happen? at this point is unknown. Does it matter to me, no because I have my own goals to reach.


So I know the next question you will ask is Why you stay in such relationship? My answer is simple, I have no desired to keep looking for men at this time. I have no plan to restart the same process again of looking for a men and keep ending things again. If the relationship ended, well, it was meant to hapen. I believe that God puts peple on our way for a reason, and he was put in my way for a reason. What the reason was I don't know, maybe it was just to help him start his business, maybe is just to guide him or for him to guide me. Whatever the reason is I have no desire of cutting off ahead of time... time will tell what the outcome will be.

[Beery Swine]

I could never do that. I'm far too territorial. I don't even like it when someone sits in my chair. But if it works for you, more power to ya.

[PRBori]

I could never do that. I'm far too territorial. I don't even like it when someone sits in my chair. But if it works for you, more power to ya.

If he moves near I will be more territorial and he will not have the liberty of being single anymore...;)

[deepFlow]

My wife and I are theoretically open, but practically closed, because she's not interested in looking outside, and I don't have the skills to outside-obtain.

So we're quite monogamous, thank you! :-)

I notice myself getting noticed from time to time, and have been on a long quest to make myself even more irresistible to women / sculpt my body into a more pleasing shape. But the latter is for wifey as much as it is for my own ego / sex-chances, so if my quest results in her becoming ever-the-more attracted to the guy she has on hand, and maybe even becoming ever-the-more possessive of me, well then I will be happy to please! :-)

Of course... I am still the inexperienced one, contrasted with her vast library... and I still have the wild oats that have never been sown.

I fully grant that "wild oats" can be a metaphor, an excuse, an illusionary non-issue, or a genuine need, depending on the persons involved and the moral systems.

Me I simply feel that I require more sexual fulfillment and experience.

But granted, due to the upabovementioned personality deficits, I honest don't know if it will ever become a genuine going concern.

Edit: It's funny that I not only forgot to mention the following part of the story, but that I often forget about it, period: We already have logistically explored openness before, a few years ago. I "shared her" with a close friend, and I also "allowed" her to explore some BDSM stuff with a couple other men, because I wasn't into it and I didn't want her to go without.

But that has been a while. She hasn't brought up such desires recently. She's also dealing with some physical health (arthritis) issues which may or may not be the causing of her libido having driven off a cliff the past six months or so.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

My wife and I are theoretically open, but practically closed, because she's not interested in looking outside, and I don't have the skills to outside-obtain.
If you don't mind my asking........do you have any trust issues when your wife is with other men?