Space and relationships [Archive]

PortInStorm

05-07-2008, 09:10 AM

I always cringed when friends husband/boyfriends phoned them everyday at work/school, or even several times a day! That's totally unprofessional, in my opinion, unless you have something to say that can't wait til they get home etc. At least leave it til a break or lunch. It gives me the sense that they can't live without you, with an implication of wimpiness (I know that's not accurate in many cases, but I can't help getting that feeling).

When we were dating, we saw each other after work almost every day or phoned. Now that we're married, I only page him if I really need to talk before he gets home, and only once every couple of weeks. I do go and see him about that frequency at work during lunch or a break, but I go to school very closeby everyday. He seems to like that, as a sign that I care (plus I often bring a doughnut, a coffee etc)- he's ESFJ.

Mafiaangel180

05-07-2008, 09:36 AM

I always cringed when friends husband/boyfriends phoned them everyday at work/school, or even several times a day! That's totally unprofessional, in my opinion, unless you have something to say that can't wait til they get home etc. At least leave it til a break or lunch. It gives me the sense that they can't live without you, with an implication of wimpiness (I know that's not accurate in many cases, but I can't help getting that feeling).

Yeah, phoning at work is very unprofessional.

When we were dating, we saw each other after work almost every day or phoned.

Was it dating or an actual exclusive relationship at this point?

PortInStorm

05-07-2008, 10:30 AM

Exclusive relationship. Ones that weren't exclusive I didn't see as regularly, as expected. With nonexclusive there was no automatic expectation of a weekend date, it was more sporadic, like whenever the feeling struck. No integration into the other parts of the person's life. With exclusive I'd meet the parents, trips together etc.

Mafiaangel180

05-07-2008, 08:56 PM

mkay

05-07-2008, 09:24 PM

pensivemuse7

05-07-2008, 09:28 PM

I don't like to spend much time on the phone. My nonbusiness calls are usually to friends and family who live far away. My INTJ husband is the same way. We don't call each other to chitchat. Even when we were dating, we saw each other a lot instead of phoning. We both have cell phones, but they're almost always off, except while traveling.

I'm embarrassed for people who frequently make personal calls at work. It's like they don't have any sense of appropriateness, and there's stuff about their personal lives I just don't want to know.

Since the summer is here and we aren't in school right now, we are going to be long distance over the summer. Problem is I am NOT a phone person at all. In fact, I will ignore it if I have to. This situation might make it hard since we can't visit each other often. But we'll see.

I don't understand how people could spend hours and hours everyday on the phone talking about things that really aren't important or of substance. That's why I hate the phone; you're forced to talk because if you don't, awkward silence ensues...

mkay

05-07-2008, 09:37 PM

I don't understand how people could spend hours and hours everyday on the phone talking about things that really aren't important or of substance. That's why I hate the phone; you're forced to talk because if you don't, awkward silence ensues...

I'm with you. ... Before we got married, we spent a year apart because I got a job far away. We saw each other maybe once a month at most. That's probably the most time I've ever spent on the phone, and I don't remember us having long, meandering talks even though that was before e-mail was common (imagine that!). But we'd been dating for at least a year by then.

Some people enjoy phone calls -- I get that. I don't expect everyone to be the same. I just don't want to be subjected to overhearing other people's calls all the time.

True Rune

05-08-2008, 01:49 AM

I see my girlfriend about every 2-4 weeks. I call her even less. I could probably never be that attached to anyone to where I'd have to call them everyday.

Antares

05-08-2008, 02:04 AM

I never felt the need to talk to, see or thinking about my ex all through our fiasco of a relationship, seeing I've been trying to get out of it the moment it began. I never bothered to think of myself as being in a relationship.

Uytuun

05-08-2008, 04:20 PM

Why would you want to brag about that?

outrider

05-08-2008, 04:53 PM

1. How often do you see/text/call/email a person you are casually dating?

2. How often do you see/text/call/email a person you are in a relationship with?

3. How do you make it work when you are actually married and living together? What's that like for you?

1. See about once a week; text never; call or e-mail every 2-3 days

2. See 2-3 times a week; text never; call and/or e-mail daily

3. N/A

We call one another during the work day once in a while, since we're both self-employed and thus have breaks at irregular hours when we are not with clients. Sometimes we talk for ten minutes; sometimes for two hours (after work, not during the day). Occasionally we send e-mail instead, especially if one of us was out very late either working or with friends.

I think we are in touch just about the right amount... I don't know what it would be like to live together, since I've never done that (he has).

niffer

05-09-2008, 03:33 AM

Actually, this is why I love those introverted boys so.

I've had the "luxury" of being bombed with dozens of text messages every day, being CALLED every fucking night to talk about the stupidest superficial crap ever when nighttime is my ALONE TIME and CRAMMING/LAST-MINUTE WORKING time, being blabbed to on messenger...christ. This is apparently due to the fact that we rarely spent time with each other during the day due to both of our busy schedules. Well if I actually did like him that freaking much, I would *make* time for him, I don't believe he'd noticed that. In fact, he didn't know a damned thing about me, and yet he told me that he loved me, every freaking hour of every freaking day. Even though I'd never told him that I loved him once, and even told him that I thought he was going too fast. I am nearly 100% extroverted, and being with him was just so draining, it really was just horrible.

Alright, well /ex-rant. I suppose I only disliked that because he was being clingy and I didn't love him. I suppose if I actually did love someone there is a possibility that I'd enjoy that. However, the introverted boys I've dated have never done anything like that to the extent that the one extraverted ex did, and I liked it just fine that way. I did spend a lot more time in person with the introverted ones though. But...it was quiet time together. xD I think that writing/speech should be the very last way to express your feelings for one another. What you can get from silence is much more meaningful.

*pets the fellow ENFP*

Mafiaangel180

05-09-2008, 09:02 AM

I see my girlfriend about every 2-4 weeks. I call her even less. I could probably never be that attached to anyone to where I'd have to call them everyday.

Every 2-4 weeks...is it a long distance thing?

So which one are you more like...."Out of sight, out of mind" or "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

Actually, anyone can feel free to answer that.

Mafiaangel180 added to this post, 5 minutes and 0 seconds later...

Why would you want to brag about that?

Oh...I honestly don't know. But everyone I know (in real life of course) has one those relationships. They get some form of contact everyday. EVEN if it's not a real relationship yet. So then they start asking me questions...."Why doesn't so and so call you...blah blah blah." And then they kinda take a step back, cock their head, and start with the insinuating. "Maybe he's just not that into you." Haha. That's when I like to come here. It can be hard living in a clingy world. I actually like space though.

Mafiaangel180 added to this post, 3 minutes and 38 seconds later...

1. See about once a week; text never; call or e-mail every 2-3 days

2. See 2-3 times a week; text never; call and/or e-mail daily

3. N/A

We call one another during the work day once in a while, since we're both self-employed and thus have breaks at irregular hours when we are not with clients. Sometimes we talk for ten minutes; sometimes for two hours (after work, not during the day). Occasionally we send e-mail instead, especially if one of us was out very late either working or with friends.

I think we are in touch just about the right amount... I don't know what it would be like to live together, since I've never done that (he has).

That sounds pretty healthy. At least to me anyway. What type is he? Does he like the arrangement?

Mafiaangel180 added to this post, 13 minutes and 4 seconds later...

Actually, this is why I love those introverted boys so.

I've had the "luxury" of being bombed with dozens of text messages every day, being CALLED every fucking night to talk about the stupidest superficial crap ever when nighttime is my ALONE TIME and CRAMMING/LAST-MINUTE WORKING time, being blabbed to on messenger...christ. This is apparently due to the fact that we rarely spent time with each other during the day due to both of our busy schedules. Well if I actually did like him that freaking much, I would *make* time for him, I don't believe he'd noticed that. In fact, he didn't know a damned thing about me, and yet he told me that he loved me, every freaking hour of every freaking day. Even though I'd never told him that I loved him once, and even told him that I thought he was going too fast. I am nearly 100% extroverted, and being with him was just so draining, it really was just horrible.

Alright, well /ex-rant. I suppose I only disliked that because he was being clingy and I didn't love him. I suppose if I actually did love someone there is a possibility that I'd enjoy that. However, the introverted boys I've dated have never done anything like that to the extent that the one extraverted ex did, and I liked it just fine that way. I did spend a lot more time in person with the introverted ones though. But...it was quiet time together. xD I think that writing/speech should be the very last way to express your feelings for one another. What you can get from silence is much more meaningful.

*pets the fellow ENFP*

So you said if you actually did love someone, that there was the possibility that you'd enjoy a little bit more clingyness. Ok, so how do you think that would go if you fell hard for an introvert? :)

PortInStorm

05-09-2008, 01:40 PM

If they really like you, like Niffer said, then it'd be "absence makes the heart grow fonder", I believe.

If you never were really into them, then it'd be "out of sight, out of mind". 'Cause if you think of your friendships, it's the same way. I have a few friends that I forget about when I don't hear from them, and some I really miss.

Either way, you can't lose by giving someone space. If they don't really like you, it's no loss, and if they dig you, they'll only dig you more after a little time.

mkay

05-09-2008, 09:17 PM

If you never were really into them, then it'd be "out of sight, out of mind". 'Cause if you think of your friendships, it's the same way. I have a few friends that I forget about when I don't hear from them, and some I really miss.

This isn't the case for me. I can fall out of contact with some people for years and still have very warm feelings for them, and when I see them again, the feelings have not cooled. For me, frequency of interaction has nothing to do with regard. There are people I see much more frequently (because of similar interests, proximity and convenience in getting together). But if I had to save 10 people from a boatload of 30 friends, the fact that I hadn't seen / been in touch with someone for years would have nothing to do with my "closeness" to him/her.

errrzarrr

05-09-2008, 09:40 PM

In my experience (with my current boyfriend):
Honestly, although it is nice to know that your man wants to contact you all the time, the fact that mine doesn't relieves me because I do not want someone who is clingy and it gives him/me space for our "me" time. That way, we have a chance to miss each other and keeps the relationship fresh. My b/f is an INTJ, btw. We agreed that space was important in a relationship and it works great.

oh, tell me more. The fact that you give him his space is a very very wise decision, believe me, that's important for us. And him not being clingy with you is well done too. Tell me more about what's good/not-so-good about him. I'm just curious because I am a Male INTJ too, and want to know what thinks a girl of your type.

It seems like this kind of topic is very very interesting to non-INTJ's, specially E-types. I do like this kind of topics too, bring more similar topics. :thumbsup:

mkay

05-09-2008, 09:57 PM

So then they start asking me questions...."Why doesn't so and so call you...blah blah blah." And then they kinda take a step back, cock their head, and start with the insinuating. "Maybe he's just not that into you." Haha. That's when I like to come here. It can be hard living in a clingy world. I actually like space though.

If you like the space, then it seems your only "problem" is friends who maybe aren't very nice or maybe are narrow-minded. ... Maybe I'm being narrow-minded myself, because I can't imagine a friend saying, "Maybe he's just not that into you, haha," unless it's in a joking way and not a snide way. If your friends are just joking, and you're secure about the relationship, all you have to joke back is something along the lines of "Yeah, he's really not that into me. He's probably busy with his other girlfriend." ... But if your friends are highlighting some kind of insecurity that you have with your relationship because your boyfriend doesn't call as much, that's something else to consider.

Basically, I don't think it's fair to your boyfriend to be "measured" against other people's personalities/neediness/clinginess. He is who he is, and if he's not someone who likes to call a lot, no one should try to change him. (Not saying that you are.)

Mafiaangel180

05-09-2008, 11:24 PM

If you like the space, then it seems your only "problem" is friends who maybe aren't very nice or maybe are narrow-minded. ... Maybe I'm being narrow-minded myself, because I can't imagine a friend saying, "Maybe he's just not that into you, haha," unless it's in a joking way and not a snide way. If your friends are just joking, and you're secure about the relationship, all you have to joke back is something along the lines of "Yeah, he's really not that into me. He's probably busy with his other girlfriend." ... But if your friends are highlighting some kind of insecurity that you have with your relationship because your boyfriend doesn't call as much, that's something else to consider.

Basically, I don't think it's fair to your boyfriend to be "measured" against other people's personalities/neediness/clinginess. He is who he is, and if he's not someone who likes to call a lot, no one should try to change him. (Not saying that you are.)

Hehehe, actually, my friends are kind of insecure. Wouldn't you think? I mean seriously, the neediness alone shows that. At least to me. But yeah, I don't think it's just them. I see a lot of it going on. At any rate...that's just their own insecurities coming out when they start examining my relationship. But seriously, You are right, he is who he is. :) And I don't really consider this measuring him against anyone. I just wanted to see how it might tie in with the whole type thing.

Hehe, I had a conversation with one of my friends the other night. (She's actually getting a divorce.) I told her that giving space is nice, and that when I'm in love I feel more free. She told me that when she's in love she holds tighter. :yuck:

pensivemuse7

05-10-2008, 12:03 AM

oh, tell me more. The fact that you give him his space is a very very wise decision, believe me, that's important for us. And him not being clingy with you is well done too. Tell me more about what's good/not-so-good about him. I'm just curious because I am a Male INTJ too, and want to know what thinks a girl of your type.

It seems like this kind of topic is very very interesting to non-INTJ's, specially E-types. I do like this kind of topics too, bring more similar topics. :thumbsup:

Well the reason why we made it understood that we wanted our space is that we both had been in previous relationships where it was too clingy and they both ended badly. We are also both individuals who are busy and want to do well in our endeavours and we understand that. So when we have things to do or places to be, most of the time, we are okay that we are not together all the time. We just know that we have lives outside of the relationship.
We are long-distance this summer, so communication will be more difficult because we aren't 'phone' people. But hopefully we'll make it work. So maybe now since we are really apart, I would like the email/phone everyday, but I know that will not happen and in the end, I wouldn't like it anyway. I am just getting past the first couple of weeks of apartness (of not seeing each other).

Being with him is not easy, but I am willing to make it work because I care for him deeply and enjoy the time we spend together. If there are problems, I have to be the one to bring it up because he almost never does; in fact, he usually wants to sweep it under the rug, so to speak, but they have to be addressed. We both don't like confrontations, but someone has to bring it up.

The only problem I have is my want for affirmation of his feelings. I do know that he, like many other INTJs, show their love and care nonverbally, but for me, I like it when things are straightforward because its assurance for me. Since I am a person who tends to overanalyze everything, I need the verbal affirmation every now and then.

I joined this forum because this is a way for me to perhaps obtain an even further understanding of our relationship and of him. We definitely can clash, but I have opened my mind and realized that he is who he is. And because I like him for who he is, he means that much more to me. It is just trying to be able to get past the aspects of our personality that can cause friction in the relationship.

In the end, I realize that eveyone probably has a specific type of person they would like to be with or can get along with. But even though our types aren't 'compatible', the relationship is still possible because it takes work and it takes will to want to make it work. We know there is potential in the relationship which is why we have not given up on making it work every time we have problems.

mkay

05-10-2008, 01:58 AM

Hehehe, actually, my friends are kind of insecure. Wouldn't you think? I mean seriously, the neediness alone shows that. At least to me. But yeah, I don't think it's just them. I see a lot of it going on. At any rate...that's just their own insecurities coming out when they start examining my relationship. But seriously, You are right, he is who he is. :) And I don't really consider this measuring him against anyone. I just wanted to see how it might tie in with the whole type thing.

Hehe, I had a conversation with one of my friends the other night. (She's actually getting a divorce.) I told her that giving space is nice, and that when I'm in love I feel more free. She told me that when she's in love she holds tighter. :yuck:

Yeah, yuck. I'm with you. ... I don't think all clingy people are insecure. Some people are just clingy by nature -- that's how they show affection. ... I figure the clingy / needy types should stick with each other. Otherwise, you get a clingy type and an INTJ and you're basically asking them to behave against their natures. I think people can bend only so far, for only so long. Long term, it makes for a lot of freakin' work. But there are some relationships where people are willing to make big compromises. I'm not big on compromising.

Obviously I don't know your friends, and maybe them poking at you is their way of compensating for insecurities. If that's the case, don't let it get to you. You know what kind of relationship you have, and if it's working for you and your boyfriend, that's all that counts.

PortInStorm

05-10-2008, 08:05 AM

This isn't the case for me. I can fall out of contact with some people for years and still have very warm feelings for them, and when I see them again, the feelings have not cooled. For me, frequency of interaction has nothing to do with regard. There are people I see much more frequently (because of similar interests, proximity and convenience in getting together). But if I had to save 10 people from a boatload of 30 friends, the fact that I hadn't seen / been in touch with someone for years would have nothing to do with my "closeness" to him/her.
No, I think we must have crossed wires here. I said that if you don't really care about them, it would be "out of sight, out of mind". If you did care for them, it'd be "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In absence, some friends I forget about, and some I miss or have 'warm feelings for', as you say.

So therefore, giving people space would be the way to go, either way. If they care about you, they won't forget about you, and if they do forget about you, it's because they never cared about you in the first place. Then you've lost nothing.

volk

05-10-2008, 01:27 PM

In my last relationship we called eachother every day for 2.5 years. We lived far from each other and could only meet during the weekends. After a while it was more of a habit that we wouldn't give up and sometimes I felt a little uncomfortable because I didn't have anything interesting to tell her. Though she understood that and it was ok with her. She just wanted to talk to me a little and say goodnight before she went to bed. She was an ENTP.

mkay

05-11-2008, 01:34 PM

No, I think we must have crossed wires here. I said that if you don't really care about them, it would be "out of sight, out of mind". If you did care for them, it'd be "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In absence, some friends I forget about, and some I miss or have 'warm feelings for', as you say.

So therefore, giving people space would be the way to go, either way. If they care about you, they won't forget about you, and if they do forget about you, it's because they never cared about you in the first place. Then you've lost nothing.

I think we agree somewhere in there. :)

And we're also probably on slightly different wavelengths, maybe because we're trying to use phrases like "out of sight, out of mind" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

People are very different. So it's hard to apply such phrases to quantify / qualify their feelings. Knowing that helps me be more tolerant. (I don't mean like in a judgmental way, just that knowing that people are wired so differently makes me resist the urge to put them in a box.)

Just a couple of observations from my life, since that's what I know best:
Absence doesn't make my heart grow fonder. If I care about someone, I care the same degree whether he/she is near or far. I can also care a great deal about someone and not miss him/her, just that it's great to see him/her again when there's opportunity. ... Sort of along the same lines: For someone like my father, out of sight, out of mind doesn't mean he doesn't love you; he just lives in the moment.

Basically, I figure, there's nothing "wrong" with how anyone is -- just that it invites trouble to force someone who needs X to not want X, or to force someone who can't offer X to offer X.

PortInStorm

05-11-2008, 02:31 PM

Ahh, ok that makes it clearer.

Wait: do you think this stance of yours is typical of all ENTPs? The not needing to see someone, not missing someone if they're gone?

Open to all ENTPs...:thinking:

mkay

05-11-2008, 02:43 PM

I can't speak for other ENTPs. I don't know whether I know any. (I haven't really bothered typing anyone other than my immediate family.) My family is very close emotionally, but we don't have a thing about seeing each other often, talking much, etc. We're not sentimental. So I don't think it has much to do with MBTI.

My in-laws are much more standard sentimental feeler types. To them, love means seeing each other regularly and such. ... People just love differently. It's not good or bad.

PortInStorm

05-11-2008, 03:00 PM

I'm not huge on seeing people I love really frequently, but even though I have a tolerance for longer absences, I do begin to miss them to a greater degree the longer the period of non-communication.

I ask because I do doubt a person's care/love if they're gone from my life for a long time. I know they may think fondly of me, but I have a really hard time believing that they care... enough (that sounds bad) if they can live comfortably and entirely without me for such a long period. Then what use am I in their life?

mkay

05-11-2008, 03:12 PM

I ask because I do doubt a person's care/love if they're gone from my life for a long time. I know they may think fondly of me, but I have a really hard time believing that they care... enough (that sounds bad) if they can live comfortably and entirely without me for such a long period. Then what use am I in their life?

If I care about someone, it's because I see them as worthwhile individuals, so whether I "need" them doesn't have anything to do with it. I enjoy spending time with them, but I don't "need" them, and that's not saying anything about them, that's just how I am. ... So if you and I were in a relationship, you would be misreading me by attributing some kind of feeling that isn't behind my actions. (If that makes any sense.)

curiousjane

05-11-2008, 03:13 PM

My in-laws are much more standard sentimental feeler types. To them, love means seeing each other regularly and such. ... People just love differently. It's not good or bad.

Hmmmm.

I love my family, but I don't think about them every day, and I certainly don't see them every day. That's kind of hard to do when you live four hours apart from your parents and about 18 hours away from your sibling.

I might call my mother every few days, my father every other week, and my brothers about once a month, and visit each of them about 3-7 times a year. But I still love them all.

I love my friends, and we see each other a couple of times a week, and we talk every other day or so.

If I'm dating, I like to hear from him every few days. Ideally, date once a week. Once the relationship becomes more important, spend time with each other on a regular basis ... just sharing the ordinary moments of life together.

PortInStorm

05-11-2008, 08:45 PM

If I care about someone, it's because I see them as worthwhile individuals, so whether I "need" them doesn't have anything to do with it. I enjoy spending time with them, but I don't "need" them, and that's not saying anything about them, that's just how I am. ... So if you and I were in a relationship, you would be misreading me by attributing some kind of feeling that isn't behind my actions. (If that makes any sense.)
Yes, I was fighting with myself about this just recently.

I don't want anyone to "need" me (that feels too dependent and clingy), but I do want their life to be better for me IN it. I don't see anything at all wrong in how you love the ones in your life, and I think I understand what you're saying, but even with the explanation I'd wonder "If they like being with me, then my presence would enrich their life, so why don't they want a richer life?".

But exactly so re: the misunderstanding. A previous relationship was plagued with this misunderstanding (also with an ENTP, why I was asking about type-relatedness) til I understood this. Don't feel the same way, and constantly have to reign in my doubt that they could value me, but understand it. Finally.

mkay

05-11-2008, 09:09 PM

For me, relationship problems come down to someone needing something he/she isn't getting, whatever the reason. Like if you're saying you need reassurance, it doesn't matter what the reason is, you just need it. Like if you said you were hungry, I wouldn't ask why or challenge whether you were hungry; I'd just accept that and get you fed if I cared about you. So if you're in a relationship with someone and he/she can't reasonable meet your needs, to me, it doesn't matter the reason. (Of course I'm not talking about piddling stuff. ... And the other person has to know you need something, can't be expected to deduce or mind-read.) Understanding why someone can't give you what you need might help ease things. But to me, that's not going to substitute for not getting it. (Even if I have no money for food and you understand this, it won't make you any less hungry.)

Maybe for some people a lot of phone calls would be enriching. I would just find it irritating. And even with people I like a lot, I still like my own time. That's not criticizing them. As for missing people, I'm just not wired that way. If I wanted to be with someone, I would take concrete steps to be with him/her.

outrider

05-13-2008, 06:33 AM

That sounds pretty healthy. At least to me anyway. What type is he? Does he like the arrangement?

He is an ISFP. I think he's okay with it; he is fairly independent. I'm not the only person in his life, so he isn't lonely or needy.

It is comfortable to "check in" with someone who knows you well.

Roy G Biv

05-15-2008, 03:07 PM

How often do you see/text/call/email a person you are casually dating?

N/A. It's bee a while since I casually dated. I always went from one long-tern relationship to another with only one long stretch of singlehood. I don't remember how often those boys and I got in touch.

How often do you see/text/call/email a person you are in a relationship with?

See each other several times a week. Phone calls were brief little missives saying, "Meet me at _____ at 8:00." Stuff like that.

I don't like talking on the phone, at all, but sometimes it's necessary to maintain intimacy if people are apart for extended periods.

Anyone text messaging me, no matter how beloved, would bug the CRAP out of me. My mobile phone is for my convenience.

How do you make it work when you are actually married and living together? What's that like for you?

Well, obviously we see each other every day, but we don't spend much time together because we work opposite hours. I see him when he gets home from work on the days I work at home, and he sees me most nights when he gets up. We usually have a bite to eat, and while he's getting ready for work, I'm getting ready for bed, and am very likely buried under pillows and blankets, reading, when he leaves.

We never call each other at work unless it's just a brief reminder of something, but email is always preferred. I don't get people who have love chats in the office.

We actually do have separate bedrooms, mostly because of the different hours and not wanting to disrupt the other person's sleep. I don't want to be banned from my bedroom because he's sleeping and vice versa. Anyway, sleep and sex have nothing to do with one another, and we make it work.

We sometime joke about buying a duplex and having his-and-hers areas. I know he's only going along with the joke, but I'd do it in a heartbeat. I am very independent, need a lot of personal space, and am completely confident in our relationship and the amount of intimacy we share.

I think he'd like a little more togetherness, but he respects my needs, and I try to remember his.

mkay

05-15-2008, 03:32 PM

We sometime joke about buying a duplex and having his-and-hers areas. I know he's only going along with the joke, but I'd do it in a heartbeat. I am very independent, need a lot of personal space, and am completely confident in our relationship and the amount of intimacy we share.

We sound similar!

I've also wanted a duplex setup in the past. We'd rather design our own housing space, but meanwhile we've finally found a standard-builder house layout that works for us. It makes a nice difference -- we basically have separate ends of the house with our own spaces, except we share a bedroom.

John Galt

05-16-2008, 11:11 AM

I've had the "luxury" of being bombed with dozens of text messages every day, being CALLED every fucking night to talk about the stupidest superficial crap ever when nighttime is my ALONE TIME and CRAMMING/LAST-MINUTE WORKING time, being blabbed to on messenger...christ. This is apparently due to the fact that we rarely spent time with each other during the day due to both of our busy schedules. Well if I actually did like him that freaking much, I would *make* time for him, I don't believe he'd noticed that. In fact, he didn't know a damned thing about me, and yet he told me that he loved me, every freaking hour of every freaking day. Even though I'd never told him that I loved him once, and even told him that I thought he was going too fast. I am nearly 100% extroverted, and being with him was just so draining, it really was just horrible.

Heh. That would drive me insane.

On another note, I'm gathering that there are quite a bit of intjs here that do the whole long distance thing. I think that's kind of interesting. I actually would prefer it. Having a couple hours between us anyway.

Both have their benefits.

1. How often do you see/text/call/email a person you are casually dating?

2. How often do you see/text/call/email a person you are in a relationship with?

3. How do you make it work when you are actually married and living together? What's that like for you?

1) I do not casually date. "If you do not see at least the possibility of marriage, then you are dating someone else's potential spouse"

2) quite often during the day. Texting, GoogleChatting, etc. We did just have a conversation though about how it's frustrating for me to have to make idle chat during the day when I do not see it having too much of a point.

3) n/a

Mafiaangel180

05-16-2008, 11:18 AM

1) I do not casually date. "If you do not see at least the possibility of marriage, then you are dating someone else's potential spouse"

I like that...."dating some else's potential spouse." That's a good way of looking at it.

However, I guess I don't actually mean casually dating just anyone. I mean the dating that comes before the serious long term stuff.

Cause surely you don't just meet someone and jump into something hardcore like that, right? There is a point where you are getting to know each other, yet the words "boyfriend girlfriend" haven't been uttered.

John Galt

05-16-2008, 04:06 PM

I like that...."dating some else's potential spouse." That's a good way of looking at it.

However, I guess I don't actually mean casually dating just anyone. I mean the dating that comes before the serious long term stuff.

Cause surely you don't just meet someone and jump into something hardcore like that, right? There is a point where you are getting to know each other, yet the words "boyfriend girlfriend" haven't been uttered.

Ahh, gotcha.

The point I was making I guess is that I would never be involved in a romantic relationship that I knew was not going to end in marriage. That type of dating is what I would define as "casual" dating; dating for the sake of dating with knowledge that the relationship will not "go anywhere."