Life's choices for an INTJ

[Vicimdhar]

From reading some of the stories of other INTJ's, it appears that there are choices made within our lives that are universal for INTJ's. Identifying them can help in making such choices more conciously and informed.

The idea of this topic is to identify such points of decision, possible choices and their likely outcomes.

As an example:

Dealing with other people:

Avoid other people as much as possible. Do your work/work at home and keep contact with other people to the bare minimum.
-> Be comfortable in not being bothered by other people
-> Possible loneliness
-> Difficult to achieve things in the world

Fake' social behaviour ('fitting in' by making small talk, dressing well, be non-critical etc.) at places it's necessary (like at work), but not at home or other places
-> Be succesful, but have to compartimentalize your life and need to make space to be yourself

'Fake' social behaviour all the time
-> Be succesful, but won't able to be yourself

Always behave in your own individualistic, non-conformist style
-> Probably you'll develop some kind of 'fringe' social group
-> Probably limits success in career (unless it's charismatic in some way)

Try to develop 'real feeling skills' by learning to feel and express genuine care often
-> ???

Can you come up with others (or add to it)? Any other similar patterns you noticed when reading the forum? For sure, there are several approaches towards dating, partner type, job type, religion, etc. Preferably, keep this thread on a somewhat general level and discuss specifics in specific threads.

[mkay]

ENTP observation:

Using dismissal as a choice. Rejecting behavior that others value. (We all do this to some extent.)

[knock7]

1.) You should develop and satisfy your love of learning by becoming an expert in something you love doing.
2.) INTJs need to fake social norms to fit in.
3.) Just because we are ill suited for social situations, doesn't mean we should avoid other people. The past few years I devote a little time every day to developing my social skills. It has paid off many times over personally and professionally.

I think all INTJs will gravitate toward #1, some may try #2, but the real reward is making the jump in #3.

[malefide]

1.) You should develop and satisfy your love of learning by becoming an expert in something you love doing.
2.) INTJs need to fake social norms to fit in.
3.) Just because we are ill suited for social situations, doesn't mean we should avoid other people. The past few years I devote a little time every day to developing my social skills. It has paid off many times over personally and professionally.

I think all INTJs will gravitate toward #1, some may try #2, but the real reward is making the jump in #3.

I agree with your comment about #3. As I want to succeed in the "real world", I find that it pays off to develop my social skills since such things don't come naturally to me.

[RoyalINTJ]

knock7 i totaly agree...
#1 will aslo fullfill desire to be the best at something you do (atleast to me it very important)

i find #2 and #3 to be the same.. fake social norms and develop your social skills so your fakeing would be smoother and you could read other people much easier

aslo i wanna add... Dont Give an Advice to People Who Dont need it/who dont ask it/cant understand it or cant make it happen... better is to just listen if that person is important to you or you need something from him or just dont listen if you dont care about him.. change subject or walk away

[Grizzly]

Im a little put off by the language of the "Fake" Behavioral Patterns.
It puts too much of a negative connotation on our social efficacy.

In management consulting, being able to change your perceived personality and behavior is a highly prized skill. Being called a "Chameleon" is the subject of numerous managerial training courses.
Indeed being able to modify your behavior according to your surroundings is thought of as one of the most critical skills for high level managers.

I think to say that our social behaviors are "fake" is incorrect. For most personality types these social behaviors occur naturally and require no thought.
For INTJ's we do need to consciously choose which behavior to use from our "social toolkits"

[knock7]

Im a little put off by the language of the "Fake" Behavioral Patterns.
It puts too much of a negative connotation on our social efficacy.

In management consulting, being able to change your perceived personality and behavior is a highly prized skill. Being called a "Chameleon" is the subject of numerous managerial training courses.
Indeed being able to modify your behavior according to your surroundings is thought of as one of the most critical skills for high level managers.

I think to say that our social behaviors are "fake" is incorrect. For most personality types these social behaviors occur naturally and require no thought.
For INTJ's we do need to consciously choose which behavior to use from our "social toolkits"

I think fake is the perfect way to describe it. I change my behavior to fit social norms, even though I don't believe in them and think they are pointless and superficial. The whole point is to manipulate the people around me into believing what I want them to about me. It does have a negative connotation on purpose.





knock7 added to this post, 2 minutes and 18 seconds later...

i find #2 and #3 to be the same.. fake social norms and develop your social skills so your fakeing would be smoother and you could read other people much easier

I think of #2 as mostly outward appearance and other superficial gestures.

I think of #3 as the actual skills involved in good people skills.

#2 is very easy, #3 is hard.

[MichaelH]

The whole point is to manipulate the people around me into believing what I want them to about me. It does have a negative connotation on purpose.

Keep in mind that these behaviors may be equally fake for others; they're just automatic. Internally, people know "I have to smile, say hello, and inquire about the kids if I want to stay on ____'s good side." They see it as standard, requisite behavior.

As INTJs, we're blessed/cursed with realizing how artificial that is. That doesn't change the dynamic, or the fact that other people expect it.

Yes, #3 is hard!

[knock7]

Keep in mind that these behaviors may be equally fake for others; they're just automatic. Internally, people know "I have to smile, say hello, and inquire about the kids if I want to stay on ____'s good side." They see it as standard, requisite behavior.

Yes, we aren't the only ones that fake it. Some other types may shake the hand of someone they don't like. A INTJ might think why am I shaking this ass's hand and I don't think he washed when he got out of the bathroom this is an unsanitary practice. They fake a response and we fake the entire process.


As INTJs, we're blessed/cursed with realizing how artificial that is. That doesn't change the dynamic, or the fact that other people expect it.

Yes, #3 is hard!

I think thats the core difference. Other people follow convention, because thats the way it has always been done and don't give it another thought. We analyze whether the process makes logical sense and calculate the behavior.

[fonmaneal]

A society is a machine, to allow humans to come together and work as a group.
You must have controls, imputs, and outputs.
These are social customs.
If you refuse these social customs, you place yourself outside the machine.
I veiw it, we die as individuals, we live as a spiecies.
It can be quiet cold and lonely, if all you have is yourself.
If you must, create a more efficent machine. But you will have to use the current one to do so.
I wish you good luck, you will need it.:)

[bmartinl]

Always behave in your own individualistic, non-conformist styleThis is what I do :)

I can't really figure out how it's working, because I'm terrible at judging how others perceive me. Not even terrible...I literally cannot do it.

[mkay]

I think there's a degree of faking that everyone does -- some of it we do reflexively because of conditioning, so we don't even think about it being fake or not. For some INTJs, it sounds like almost any accommodation for others is fake.

I've felt fake in some situations -- as someone said, I actually don't want to shake anyone's hand (most men apparently don't wash their hands in the bathroom, eek). In other instances, I'm just accommodating someone else's need because I care about them to some degree, so I don't see it as faking. I don't enjoy listening to complaining, for instance, but I realize that getting it out helps some of my friends, so I do it to a limited degree. ... If I were with a friend who wanted to eat vegetarian, I would see going to a vegetarian restaurant as an accommodation, not faking, even though I'd rather have a steak.

[ethsar46]

Dealing with other people:

Avoid other people as much as possible. Do your work/work at home and keep contact with other people to the bare minimum.
-> Be comfortable in not being bothered by other people
-> Possible loneliness
-> Difficult to achieve things in the world



I wish i could do this more, man I hate dealing with so many people at work.

[Sleeper]

Hmm.....

2 and 3 are the more likely I suppose, for me at the very least, because I know that its logically beneficial and in fact required for me to interact with a large number of people to succeed.

However, it does not mean I have to like it, I am just maximizing my future utility.

Saying that as well, I know I have to worked on genuinely caring cause I have no plans to die alone and that aspect is what your friends occasionally appreciate especially those close to you.

[RoyalINTJ]

Hmm.....
I know that its logically beneficial and in fact required for me to interact with a large number of people to succeed.


i totaly agree with you.. i feel the same way... i realize how things work in this world and i know what i have to learn to succeed... being in control in social environment is very important but that doesnt mean i am very social person or i like what i have to do in order to succeed...

[Vicimdhar]

Im a little put off by the language of the "Fake" Behavioral Patterns.
It puts too much of a negative connotation on our social efficacy.

In management consulting, being able to change your perceived personality and behavior is a highly prized skill. Being called a "Chameleon" is the subject of numerous managerial training courses.
Indeed being able to modify your behavior according to your surroundings is thought of as one of the most critical skills for high level managers.

I think to say that our social behaviors are "fake" is incorrect. For most personality types these social behaviors occur naturally and require no thought.
For INTJ's we do need to consciously choose which behavior to use from our "social toolkits"
I called it "fake" because it feels fake to me. I prefer to be straight, direct and honest about my intentions. From what I've read, this goes for most INTJ's. I call it "faking" as well because you'll need to hide some of your peculiarities and replace it with an appearance of normality. I agree that others "fake" as well, but we're just more aware of it.

Still, I tend to practice mostly 2 and a bit of 4. A bit of 4 can actually be useful as well. Though managers may be required to "chameleon" a lot, people expect a distinct personality from leaders.

As for what was meant by 3, I was thinking somewhat of this post by rwyatt365 (at the end): To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Anyone noticed some other important decision points on which INTJ's differ?