Are people always telling you what you think/feel and always wrong about it

[catd]

Looked around didn't see a similar thread. I was just curious - this has happened to me since the day I was born and continues to this day. Even with some people that I have known for years.:irked:

[curiousjane]

LOL.

Oh, I know the good INTJs are going to probably say "yes."

But I have to most emphatically say "NO!" I can't believe how well people can tell what I am thinking or feeling, even when I am so sure I'm hiding behind a neutral front. I'm a stinkin' open book. Hate it sometimes. Love it others.

At any rate, I get irritated by this. I wish I was harder to figure out.

Huh. Maybe that's why I'm hanging out with you guys ... I'm a mystery in this place. And I like it. ;)

[sriv]

Yes, curiosjane. YES.

Once people catch the jist, that I usually detach my emotions and that I am solidly "content" most of the time, they start getting the hand of it. Often not.

Logic is a simple process, and yet people mispredict so horribly wrong.

I hear this a lot:
"You must feel bad because I said that."
"You must think I'm an idiot."
"You probably hate me." (?!? completely unfounded most of the time, I am guessing it is because of my lack of compliments/feedback)

"No, I dont" "No, I dont" and "What gave you that idea?"

[FrankieBones]

My oppinion on this is that it is impossible for someone other than myself to know what I am thinking. When someone tells me that I am "thinking wrong" what they are really saying to me is "I do no agree with my interpretation of your actions" They do not know your thoughts. All they know is their interpretation. Nothing more.

That interpretation quite possibly has nothing to do with reality and is infact a reflection of the mind and the person that owns it. Above all, it is not personal.
You have no idea what that person is thinking either.


I hope my mad rambling helps.

[sneakers]

I get that a lot. I have a fairly flat affect [i just don't really get outwardly excited about things]. Everyone generally thinks I'm mad or upset or something. I don't know. I hate that it makes me feel almost obligated to like fake interest or emotion in things that to me - seems really pointless.

[mkay]

Maybe tangentially, when people incorrectly project specific motivation on my actions (I stupidly do that, too). Maybe online, because words can be "heard" in readers' heads much differently than I intended, like even the same message can be "heard" differently by different people.

In general, no big instances I can think of. But I'm pretty thick-skinned. Maybe it's happened to me and it just didn't register. If someone misunderstands, I would try to explain, but only if I thought it was worth my effort. Otherwise, I would shrug and move on. But I can see how it would be frustrating if it happened to you a lot and you cared what those people thought.

[catd]

"You must think I'm an idiot."

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one! Or "You think I'm stupid".

Where do they get this stuff???

Why on earth would I be discussing anything with someone that I thought was stupid???

My oppinion on this is that it is impossible for someone other than myself to know what I am thinking. When someone tells me that I am "thinking wrong"

Sorry, my post was unclear, ran out of room... I meant that people are wrong in their assumptions about what I think and feel. I've edited the title.


I get that a lot. I have a fairly flat affect [i just don't really get outwardly excited about things]. Everyone generally thinks I'm mad or upset or something.

I get that ALL the time! "Are you mad? Are you mad at me?"

"No I'm not mad - trust me if I get mad, there will be no doubt that I am mad...."


I hate that it makes me feel almost obligated to like fake interest or emotion in things that to me - seems really pointless.

I feel the same way - like I have to fake a response. I have to pretend to be/feel something that they will be able to understand/accept.

It's driving me crazy lately. It still happens even with people that I have known for years...............

[FrankieBones]

Sorry, my post was unclear, ran out of room... I meant that people are wrong in their assumptions about what I think and feel. I've edited the title.


No worries bro. My thoughts stand unchanged. They are only reacting to their interpretation of your actions and it is not personal.

Thanks for the clarification!

[darkkodiak]

Hehe, I get this all too often. I simply got tired of dealing with it since it's just endless and just shrug it off and go my separate way so I won't get infected with their habit to assume things. I don't know if that last part makes sense but I can't put it into words at the moment lol. If I'm really bored and want some entertainment I play with their minds so that any assumption they make about how I'm feeling or thinking just confuses them and amuse me haha.

[erm]

Most of the time yes, but sometimes no.

For example, most people aren't willing to consider themselves sexist, racist or the like. Other people are, therefore are more likely to spot those kind of trends.

A better example would be therapists. In a lot of cases they aren't just there to counsel people, they are there to tell people what they are feeling which they have repressed, denied or plain not noticed.

An even better example is to watch some Derren Brown.

However, I normally get asked "why are you sad?" when I'm at my happiest. It's annoying.

[True Rune]

Usually. If they get it, it's because I intend it.

[quest ion]

People always think I'm stressed or angry. Yeah they 'think' and they are wrong almost all the time.

[DrEast]

My friends complained that I was unreadable in college, and were awed that I managed to somehow avoid the deep levels of meaningless drama that seemed to surround everything to them. I didn't point out that the two were related.

[theunstrungharp]

I am pretty quiet, but pretty agreeable and able to laugh off or ignore a lot of BS. However.
An INFJ I work with is always labeling how he thinks I feel about something, or tells me what he thinks my reaction is/was.

What sucks is when I wish to clarify with a very calm and polite, "you know actually, I see it as this" or "No, not so much, it's actually this way..." I get reprimanded for being argumentative and "always needing to have the last word".

Puh-lease.


So yes, I totally share your frustration. Oy.

[Motor Jax]

i never get the, "you must be feeling this way" treatment

its more like, "i wonder what/how you are thinking/feeling because you seem angry but calm all the time."




...if only they knew...

[EsoteriEccentri]

INFPs are intensely private. And well known for it.
I feel I have a shell around myself, and I show a different face to everyone I know. And so, people often tell me how I'm feeling, my mum often starts to talk to me about a feeling that I do not actually have. And, being INFP, it's impossible for me to explain my feelings to her.
Still, I cannot bear it if anyone comes even close to being right, as it scares me. Like someone has found a way past my shell. It scares me because I feel invaded, and extremely unsafe. If that makes sense?

In other words, yes. But that's the same complaint of everyone in the world. Still, I believe it makes everyone more open minded because if they can feed upon their own experiences of being mis read, then hopefully they will be more open minded and less likely to presume things about others.

[Mafiaangel180]

Haha, I have more tact than to say "you must" as in "you must think" or "you must feel."

My S mother has the mentality that if she doesn't tell you how she feels, then you just don't know. Bull.

You gotta remember...one of the big strengths of an enfp is that we are very perceptive about people's thought and motives. We have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use our intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level. However, I will add that it gets a big trickier for us when it's a relationship and our hearts are thrown into the mix. So yeah, there are some types (not all of course) that can pick up on unsaid feelings and thoughts.

[catd]

We have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use our intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Well maybe I should be hanging out with you guys. I am soooooo tired of being misunderstood.

[Solaris]

People often think I'm mad when I'm really just thinking, or staring off into space. This seems to happen more when I'm sleepy. So sleepy + thinking = angry?? I don't get it. Really though, if I'm mad, there will be no mistake that I am mad. Emotions may have a hard time coming out, but mad/angry comes out just fine.

[alone]

This happens to me _all the time_ and I can't stand it. My wife and mother especially seem to do this, but then, they're the main females in my life, so they're a bit more social/emotional...

[Solaris]

This happens to me _all the time_ and I can't stand it. My wife and mother especially seem to do this, but then, they're the main females in my life, so they're a bit more social/emotional...

Generalizations will earn you no allies. I'm female. I'm social and not outwardly emotional. My best friend is not so social, but very outwardly emotional. The lesson here, don't assume women are more social or emotional, it's just not so.

But yes, I dislike it too, drives me nuts. I worked to just have a default smile on my face, and that worked. However, that became so natural that people really think I'm angry when it's not there. True, I am generally a positive, happy person, but sometimes I'm just thinking and not angry at all.

[changos]

Most of people don't know what I'm thinking they assume...

Some "emotional" friends assume I think they are dumb, idiots... I just get bored at explaining... Usually assume negative things.
Some feel intrigued about the "guessing" game or with WHAT I am going to end up saying...
Some assume positive things (I'm coming up with a solution or wise comment)At the end most of them just don't have a clue... they guess but are often wrong on what I think or feel except from like 4 people close to me.

Some times I just hate how one, us, you... can understand and get along but most of the times... people just won't... won't understand this intj (me). Usually I don't care-need, but sometimes you get tired at explaining and need somebody to hit the nail huh-.--.

[RoyalINTJ]

well what i have found is that its very effective to fake a lot... social interactions are very wierd... people like all sorts of rituals and stuff they are doing all the time.. talking about things that are unimportant (trash talk).. telling about they problems (which they dont want to slove just want to tell somebody to make them feel better).. and most of the time they are not even interested in real solutions(which i can always provide...but i have learned not to)... so what i wanted to say that most social interactions are pointless...
So if we assume they are pointless we should adjust ourselfs... So if you wanna be social there is a lot of fakeing to be done by an INTJ (if we assume we are all alike)... this tho is what i have come to realize just lately... most of the time i want to be myself but its not possible if i want to keep those people i need around.. if i want lets put it this way somewhat manipulate or get something from them... cuz most of the time it is all i need.. most of the time there is nothing interesting they might tell me cuz most of them are so into their own reality..into they problems and life in general (not into solutions how to make things better for them)...

So yeah.. hope you understand my point here... cuz if your personality somewhat like mine we might be thining and viewing things alike... :)

[searcher]

All the time.
My brother and mum in particular.
Though some of my mates do it too.
It hacks me off

[jay c]

I hate it when people try to read me. They are almost always wrong. Recently I made a very matter-of-fact observation to someone and it turned into a huge argument about me being haughty and confrontational. I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. Eventually, in order to end it and get back to work, I just agreed with everything they said.

[Antares]

I'm good at hiding things, and some people, like my mother, knows I'm good at hiding things. Most of the time she's wrong, but she's actually right sometimes. We held a position in gym class for ages. Everybody else fell down. I was feeling like crap, but I was the last one standing, expressionless and steady. People assumed that I feel nothing when I felt like dying inside. They said: "She's not even shaking!"

[TheLastMohican]

"Always" would not be accurate, because it happens to me only occasionally, and only my parents do it. But I cannot remember a time when they were actually right about whatever they were telling my I was thinking/feeling.

[Freak]

Depends on what kind of people I am with....Feelers try to speculate about my feelings (or perhaps what am I thinking), this way. Thinkers sometimes try to guess about what I am thinking (or perhaps feeling) ! Usually I am not that frank with anybody that s/he can 'dare' to try her/his guess work on me .... To me, sometimes its better to be misunderstood than understood.....

Also who cares to be understood ?

[sriv]

Also who cares to be understood ?

One of the major reasons we are on this forum.

[alone]

Generalizations will earn you no allies.

How is this relevant? I'm not looking for allies.

I'm female. I'm social and not outwardly emotional. My best friend is not so social, but very outwardly emotional. The lesson here, don't assume women are more social or emotional, it's just not so.

No, the lesson is that there are always exceptions. Most women are more social and more emotional than men. You may not be. If so, then you probably know that you're different than most women. Nothing good or bad about it, just the way it is.

[cha071c0rd3r]

People often think that I do not consider what they say, that I look down on them, that I think that I know everything, that I aim to be a perfectionist, that I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to attain the latter.

My favorite one is "You must be spending all of your time studying to get such high grades in [this subject (college)]." "No, no, I really don't. Actually, I think I should probably start doing some of the homework. What chapter are we on?"

What annoys me the most is when people think that when I choose to be alone, I am in fact lonely, and they try to "help" me. I like to ponder my ideas in solitude, I enjoy that immensely, and people think that I "suffer."

I don't really care about these people though. It has generally been the case that the people who matter either understand me well enough on their own (as in the case of friends I choose) or I make myself understood enough to get by (as in the ccase of family, which one cannot choose).

At worst, these misunderstandings are an annoyance (at best, they keep people who I do not care to interact with away from me, to our mutual contentment).

[Terian]

My INFP mother is constantly driven crazy because like everyone else, she doesn't get me. I've been called mysterious more than once, and I guess hidden emotions are a big part of that. One of my pet peeves is when people assume I'm feeling a lot more than I am, or that they make a bigger deal of my emotions than I do. The example here is of my father's death- I obviously felt a great deal of sadness, but I hated it every time someone would try to give me a hug and say, "Oh, this must be so hard for you." No. No it is not hard. And honestly, I'd rather think about it rationally than emotionally. Heck, I'd even be willing to compromise and rationally talk about emotions. God.

[xwalka]

Yes, and it drives me crazy. My expression is mostly neutral when people project their own thoughts and feelings into my face. I really hate it when they decide to announce my supposed feelings to others. "Oh, man, Peter is so mad right now." Well, I wasn't, but now I am. Where do you get off telling people I'm mad about something that doesn't even bother me? I also hate when people assume I'm attacking them when I'm doing nothing of the sort. So...frusturbating.

[catd]

I also hate when people assume I'm attacking them when I'm doing nothing of the sort. .

I have had that happen twice - "Why are you attacking me?!?" Both times I was not attacking anyone. I have never attacked anyone! I was trying to get some clarity. I have no idea where they got attacking. Attacking??? When you see me running towards you with a bat - that is attacking. :laugh:

[Beery Swine]

Most definitely, but not always. Every so often when someone tries to say what I'm feeling, doesn't happen often, they're always wrong. It usually foes "Why are you so angry?" "I'm not, I'm in a good mood and happy right now."

[pensivemuse7]

This has happened a lot lately. Usually you can read my emotions because I am wearing it on my sleeve. But I have made it so that I am not so easy to read anymore. My problem is when I really have no/neutral emotion and people assume I am pissed or angry. It's a pain.

And it's the people who I know well, but probably don't know me so well, that assume my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes they're right, but many times, not.

[catd]

It's really sad but I am coming to the conclusion that you have to have a "fake" personality to effectively operate in the world.

[sriv]

It's really sad but I am coming to the conclusion that you have to have a "fake" personality to effectively operate in the world.

It is sad that society requires this "fake" although would never admit it :yuck:. Society does serve some important functions though. Can't be too hatin'.

[catd]

Not against society, just the requirements to operate effectively in it.

[Genuine]

My sister does that.

I know what you are thinking
you are thinking "this". If you disagree, you are lying.
:alien:

[catd]

My sister does that.

I know what you are thinking
you are thinking "this". If you disagree, you are lying.
:alien:

My mother did it ALL the time. :irked:

[intellael]

I have had that happen twice - "Why are you attacking me?!?" Both times I was not attacking anyone. I have never attacked anyone! I was trying to get some clarity. I have no idea where they got attacking. Attacking??? When you see me running towards you with a bat - that is attacking. :laugh:

Snorting on that one... :)

Likewise, when I ask questions some think I am attacking. I just want clarity. Dissection, debate, and rational argument is part of my learning style.

If I have a non-emotional look about me, how can you say I am sad, angry, shy, or ANYTHING? It is blank! It is like they have included me in a guessing game without informing me of the rules. When they start blabbering, jolting me out of my zone, I am usually thinking WTF are you talking back.

[ignite]

I always tend to dislike people when they have to comment about what emotion I look like. They constantly think I'm worried/tired/stressed, and it's almost always untrue.

[Pandemonium]

People always approach me asking "Are you lost?"

[Smotor]

Snorting on that one... :)

Likewise, when I ask questions some think I am attacking. I just want clarity. Dissection, debate, and rational argument is part of my learning style.



Same here. I struggle with this especially when I'm tutoring literal-minded students. Whenever they arrive at an answer, I ask them process questions, like, "How does A lead to B?" and so forth. I want them to understand why their answer is right. More often than not, though, the student assumes s/he is wrong and starts back pedaling to what s/he thinks the answer is. In addition to learning the material, I want them to learn to process it and apply it; memorization helps no one if you don't know what to do with it.

What I'm wondering, though, is there a way we can convey that we want clarity and aren't just looking for a fight (well, most of the time, anyway)?

[Nattie]

I have the problem where I can feel completely detached from something -- most notably others' opinions -- and since they aren't the same way, they read a whole lot into what I'm saying. It happens more in writing than in person, since in person it's very easy to tell I'm not emotionally invested in something. For example, if I blow off someone's opinion in writing, they might assume I'm angry or defensive even if I'm just stating things factually, with no connotation associated with the words. I wonder if they read it in their head how it would sound if they themselves said it.

As a result, if I think someone is particularly sensitive, I have other people proofread what I've written to see if something can be misinterpreted. More often than not, it doesn't actually make a difference. But I do make an effort to do things like that in person, or at least over the phone, where it can't be misinterpreted.