The loneliness won't leave me alone

[mlsj1]

How you deal with this loneliness. Most of the time it dones not bother, but sometimes I'm so fustrated to I'm alone. What the hell can I do?

[sriv]

Describe your situation more. Get some friends. Hang out with family. Look for a potential spouse if you are old enough (lack of description is going to get you null advice). Chat on #intj. People there are very supportive (usually). With self-awareness usually comes comfortability with oneself.

[Motor Jax]

Solitude is a Blessing,
Isolation is a Curse. -myself (i actually came up with this in 2005)

[mkay]

How you deal with this loneliness. Most of the time it dones not bother, but sometimes I'm so fustrated to I'm alone. What the hell can I do?

I'm sorry to hear this. Maybe you could join a book club, meetup.com or something like that. One on one, there's craigslist, but I think it'd be harder to meet someone who's a good fit because the audience is random. Maybe place a craigslist ad talking about what interests you and see whether you get any nibbles? If you're into sports, maybe you could check out a rec center, park or such and see if you can join a pickup game?

[curiousjane]

Volunteer for something. Go to a grocery store and smile at the clerk. Hang out in a bookstore.

[True Rune]

Solitude is a Blessing,
Isolation is a Curse. -myself (i actually came up with this in 2005)
That's a good quote. If you're able, join a martial arts class or something, perhaps that may help? I don't get lonely really.

[curiousjane]

So, I just spent the past 8 hours completely alone, with only a couple of phone calls (my mother, my roommate) to break the silence.

Two of those hours, I spent taking a much-needed nap.
Six of those hours, as depressing as it sounds, I spent doing basically nothing all day, and checking my e-mail, this forum, etc.

I talked to my dog, just to talk to somebody.

And now I feel that loneliness, too. I will actually be glad to get up in the morning and see familiar faces at the office. My "down time" I needed to take to "charge" is now complete. I could have gone out and hung out with my group of friends, but I knew I needed to be alone. Even as I knew that I would be tired of being alone after awhile. Such is the strange life of a just-barely-introvert.

So, I know how you feel. Before I had worked hard at acquiring, nurturing, and enjoying the close friendships I have now, I would spend days at a time sequestered from the world and feeling like I was going to implode, I spent so much time in my own head.

Like Motor Jax said, don't isolate yourself. I found my group of friends at a church. It was like coming home, when I discovered other twentysomethings in the middle of life, just like me. I live far away from my immediate family, so they became that family to me. We all support each other emotionally; we challenge each other; we hang out and goof off together; we go to lunch, movies, and shopping together. Rare is it that I have to be alone anymore. I can always call one of my 3-5 good friends and they will drop whatever it is they are doing and come to be with me. Or let me come to their place.

I think we are all a little bit like infants, when it's all said and done. Infants don't know they need human touch and interaction, but they do. They will not survive if they do not receive positive, natural touch. As adults, our need for physical touch diminishes (but does not go away), but I think our need for mental/emotional/social touch increases.

Why do I say this? Because getting lost in your own mind isn't fun after awhile. You and I need to get "out of ourselves" and focus on other people once in awhile in order to stay sane. There's something to be said for thinking about other people's needs first ... if nothing else, it gets you to stop focusing on your own loneliness for a moment in time. It's a good feeling, to reach out.

I'm probably rambling. The thoughts are connected in my mind, but not so much in type. I wish you the best. May your loneliness subside.

[changos]

Build it and they will come... (or Stay Busy and they will come)

Usually when you are busy in something interesting this feeling will not hit you. Of course, try not to get busy only in things you do alone... Casual relationship with people while working on a project seems useful at times. I relate to this situation in some way....

[vaguely dissatisfied]

You MUST develop relationships or be lonely. Those are your choices.

[Noehelia]

mlsj1 you could describe a little bit your situation in order to understand your feeling of loneliness. Do you live alone, with family or friends? Do you have friends but you feel they do not express you or you have a limited amount of acquaintances? Do you study or work or do nothing? What is your age, do you have hobbies, do you exercise?
What do you seek, was there a time that you didn't feel loneliness and what your situation back then?
For every situation there are different things you can do. For example if you live alone, you work in an office or study (so you see people everyday) and what bothers you is feeling alone at home then I would tell you to have the tv on so you hear noises and get a pet that will provide you the caring of another being and the warmth of touch.
If you feel that the amount of time that you spend with other people is not enough then I would suggest to get involve with an outside activity,a sport, a book club, charity work , art lessons or something like that.
If you feel that what you miss is personal relation with someone then I would suggest to find a bf/gf.

[Jennifer Chen]

I just hopped on today and a bit terrified, i thought no one but me have personality like this, but it seems that it is not true, i did some research, only 0.5% female is INTJ, and i am one of them, i am alone all the time, sometimes aft being lonely too long, speaking to ppl can be scary, but i feel that as long as you have a kind heart, you will earn ppl's kindness back, so just get out and talk to ppl, you will be fine

[RoyalINTJ]

i get this strong feeling of being lonley also time to time... i guess its a price you have to pay for living your as you like (atleast for me...) Most of the time it feels so great to be alone.. noone bothering me with stuff i am not interested in etc ..but on rare occasions i just wanna feel someone besides me... a close friend ican go till the end of the world togeather or a lover i would wanna care about .. stuff like that

The best way to solve this situation i think is to ask yourself are you feeling lonely most of the time or only on rare occasions... so if you feel ok most of the time then you just have to deal with it by understanding the big picture and learn to live with it... on other hand if you feel lonely most of the time.. you should get friends perhaps a gf/bf or just get social in general and the feeling will go away and you will forget about you ever had it... hope its helps..cheers

[AgentofGaming]

You MUST develop relationships or be lonely. Those are your choices.
I'd agree but...
The former choice sounds like a lot of work, especially to introverts :undecided:

[EsoteriEccentri]

I love solitude. If I spend hours and hours alone my heart still sinks when they must be ended.
I love solitude, I hate loneliness.
Ideally, I would be in solitude always except for a select few, one or two people, to spend some time with to drive away the loneliness aspect.
And I would have the internet.

[gogurtdynasty]

Music keeps me company

Loneliness is something I've accepted and no matter how many friends one can make loneliness is inevitable just because nobody can truly see the world from your perspective. In time you learn to accept and cherish your loneliness, I see mine as a motivating drive pushing me to allow people in to one degree or another

[Markam]

Loneliness. I used to it and accepted it. I'm 20 now and all my relationships existed together about 2 months. As an INTJ i don't think 'doing' something (dating, clubbing) could help.

I think that this text from personalityzone.com describes well INTJ relationships.

"Hamid is a Mastermind (INTJ) Rational. As a teen, he was slow to mature. He was interested in girls, but was very awkward around them. He also felt that most girls were just plain silly, so he did not date. By his senior year in college, he was actively looking for a mate but wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. One day he happened to strike up a conversation with a young woman he’d known slightly. They immediately hit it off, covering topics ranging from the inane (comic strips) to the sublime (the origin of life). They married a year later. Hamid feels very relieved to have successfully cleared this life hurdle."

[inactiveoffense]

I just hopped on today and a bit terrified, i thought no one but me have personality like this, but it seems that it is not true, i did some research, only 0.5% female is INTJ, and i am one of them, i am alone all the time, sometimes aft being lonely too long, speaking to ppl can be scary, but i feel that as long as you have a kind heart, you will earn ppl's kindness back, so just get out and talk to ppl, you will be fine

I am also female, I am an adult and I am still terrified of people. I work around people and I can interact with people, but put me in a large group of people and I clam up. I always envied those people that have a "magic" with people and can make friends so easily. I will never be like that. But I can work at it.





inactiveoffense added to this post, 0 minutes and 59 seconds later...

Music keeps me company

Loneliness is something I've accepted and no matter how many friends one can make loneliness is inevitable just because nobody can truly see the world from your perspective. In time you learn to accept and cherish your loneliness, I see mine as a motivating drive pushing me to allow people in to one degree or another

That was put in a beautiful way. I never thought of looking at it that way.

[fonmaneal]

I love the loneliness, it is my goddess.
It reminds me that I still need to be with those of my species.

Just go to a coffee shop and read a book. Look up from time to time to see if someone is watching you. Then talk to them. Ask them, if they have read that book.
If you connect, you connect; if not there will be others. Just don't put much pressure on yourself.
That is what your parents are for.
Good luck, enjoy your loneliness! :)

[knock7]

I have had several periods of loneliness in my life. The best way to get out of it is by being so busy, you don't have time to think about it. Here are some ideas.

1.) Martial Arts - exercise, meet people, learn something.
2.) Take classes at a community college
3.) Learn a language
4.) Go to your local library and go to an event. Most libraries have interesting stuff going on.
5.) Donate time to a charity you believe in.
6.) Join a church - most churches love to get new people.
7.) Visit your family or talk to them. I WISH I had more time for my parents.

Here are some things not to do.
1.) Do something by yourself.
2.) Stay in your house.

[HousesOfApollo]

This is what I do when I feel lonely:

I bite my lower lip, and then I grunt. Taking a deep breath I concentrate on suppressing the loneliness. If I can't get rid of it that way I'll go for a walk and imagine a conversation with someone famous, even speaking my part out loud. I have a lot of conversations with C.G. Jung and Philip K. Dick. They're like my invisible friends.

Then I carry on.

[bmartinl]

I think one of the hardest things for an INTJ to do is create and maintain relationships. In a natural society, we wouldn't have to do this because the relationships would be inherent in the survival of the tribe, i.e. you must hunt for food, and to hunt you have to work together and so you have a pre-made "group" to spend time with.

In modern society we have erased the natural relationships and replaced them with the isolated "family" unit and other assorted "atomized" relationships, none of which are particularly crucial to your physical survival. Strangely, we now have to "create" and "maintain" relationships, which is completely foreign to some of us.

Personally, I can never "get over" my loneliness. I've experienced what it's like to have a group of friends to hang out with all the time...and it's a really good feeling. Now that I am no longer a child, I no longer have managed support systems such as school, boy scouts, sports teams. It all has to be created by me, which sucks because I simply don't know how to do it. I'm sure lots of other people feel like me but can I find them??? NO :)

[HousesOfApollo]

I think one of the hardest things for an INTJ to do is create and maintain relationships. In a natural society, we wouldn't have to do this because the relationships would be inherent in the survival of the tribe, i.e. you must hunt for food, and to hunt you have to work together and so you have a pre-made "group" to spend time with.

In modern society we have erased the natural relationships and replaced them with the isolated "family" unit and other assorted "atomized" relationships, none of which are particularly crucial to your physical survival. Strangely, we now have to "create" and "maintain" relationships, which is completely foreign to some of us.

Personally, I can never "get over" my loneliness. I've experienced what it's like to have a group of friends to hang out with all the time...and it's a really good feeling. Now that I am no longer a child, I no longer have managed support systems such as school, boy scouts, sports teams. It all has to be created by me, which sucks because I simply don't know how to do it. I'm sure lots of other people feel like me but can I find them??? NO :)

You said the F-word! You shall be shunned. :p.

But seriously, I think the biggest hurdle to overcome is the fact that it takes a long time to build up trust--at least that's true for me. It's difficult to build up that trust with people whom you don't associate with in your daily life; people that you have essentially just shopped for and picked out as if they were a commodity. I can't stand the meat market mentality. It's anathema to everything I stand for.

In the caveman days I can easily imagine being more appreciated. Because then I'd be interacting with people in a way that's natural for me: problem solving. And of course, I'd be the guy who built the trap that killed the saber tooth tiger. I'd be popular, man.

[Jaycen]

How you deal with this loneliness. Most of the time it dones not bother, but sometimes I'm so fustrated to I'm alone. What the hell can I do?

I was fortunate enough to find another INTJ to hang out with from time-to-time.

I got into Dungeons & Dragons and have been playing every Friday night for the last 18 years with the same group of about 5 people. It's like group therapy.

[bmartinl]

^^^
I'm jealous of you. I used to play D&D in middle school and it was SO much fun, such an advanced form of play :)

But seriously, I think the biggest hurdle to overcome is the fact that it takes a long time to build up trust--at least that's true for me.Related to that, I find it extremely hard to imagine that someone might like me. I'm also afraid that if they do, I won't realize it. With me it's less a problem of mistrust - I tend to assume people are fairly benign and usually take a neutral stance in the interaction. But that's also part of the problem, coming off as "aloof" because I really am. For me, I have to see and interact with someone daily for weeks/months before I start to maybe show a preference.

[Jaycen]

Amen! I learned a lot about management from running the game for years. It's been an invaluable tool for me re:maturity.

[Follow]

Music keeps me company

Loneliness is something I've accepted and no matter how many friends one can make loneliness is inevitable just because nobody can truly see the world from your perspective. In time you learn to accept and cherish your loneliness, I see mine as a motivating drive pushing me to allow people in to one degree or another

So true. I don't think I've ever felt anything but alone in my life, no matter how many people were around. There was a time I thought I might not be alone, but it turned out I was just fooling myself.

If you're an INTJ, you're going to be lonely. I don't really feel any pain associated with being "lonely" anymore, I've just accepted that while I can connect with people now and then on some vague level, I don't think I'll find someone who can accept all of me (nor can I accept all of them). You'll get what you need from acquaintances now and then through your life and it will be enough. Personally, I'd rather live on my own island with just internet access, that way I can turn off the company when I can't stand them anymore. I would take guests now and then though.... as long as they had their own area in the house they could use to be away from me.... or their own area of the island.... They couldn't stay too long though. :p

[HousesOfApollo]

Related to that, I find it extremely hard to imagine that someone might like me. I'm also afraid that if they do, I won't realize it. With me it's less a problem of mistrust - I tend to assume people are fairly benign and usually take a neutral stance in the interaction. But that's also part of the problem, coming off as "aloof" because I really am. For me, I have to see and interact with someone daily for weeks/months before I start to maybe show a preference.

I'm afraid that if someone likes me, I'll just blow it right then in there somehow. When that happens I'm hated even more than if I had done nothing at all. I hate the fact that I'm being punished in a sense for being deep, and needing to really know someone.

Sometimes I wish that I could just have an INTJ/ENTJ toggle switch
on the back of my head. So if I needed to get to know people or whatever I'd flip the switch and chat my mouth off. Then when I'm done doing that I can go back to my old self. And I guess while I'm at it, I could get switches for other traits too. But then I might lose my sense of self as I switched and toggled my way to success. I don't want that, either.

Maybe it all comes down to the fact that INTJ's aren't willing to change themselves a lot to make others like them, as other types might be more apt to do. So we're often penalized for being hard-headed or whatever.





HousesOfApollo added to this post, 13 minutes and 21 seconds later...

Personally, I'd rather live on my own island with just internet access, that way I can turn off the company when I can't stand them anymore.

I fantasized about my own private island (what Evil Mastermind doesn't?) and then realized that I preferred to live in orbit on a space station with an anatomically correct female android wife that I can shut off if I need my space. And if I feel lonely, well I just boot her up.

If no real person will ever understand or like me, I might as well just make me one who will.

[TheReal]

I played D&D with my friends every Friday as well. We stopped playing about two months ago because our dungion master put us in a cave, and to get out of the cave we need to solve some complicated puzzle. So people got bored and we don't play anymore.

On topic: My friends and siblings are usually on MSN. And I live with some of my closest friends. I guess I am only lonely romantically, something I have just gotten used to. I hope to find another person just like me.

[Antares]

How you deal with this loneliness. Most of the time it dones not bother, but sometimes I'm so fustrated to I'm alone. What the hell can I do?

I don't mind loneliness. In fact, when faced a choice between 99% of the people or my computer, I'd rather be with my computer (with constant upgrades and changing to new computers when it's worn out, of course) for the rest of my life. I have very strong extrovert tendencies, but despite my liking of socialization, I can do quite well without it.

I used to be frustrated too, especially when after an emotional crisis I realized I'm truly alone in this world and must fend for myself. Now I've learned to deal with it.

In fact, yesterday I made a wallpaper from my photo of a flower and named it "Epiphany", the sudden realization that I'm alone. Quite a pessimistic worldview actually.

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[vaguely dissatisfied]

I'd agree but...
The former choice sounds like a lot of work, especially to introverts :undecided:
It's an incredible amount of work. Challenging. How much energy do you put into a goal that you have set for yourself? Is it worth the work?

[searcher]

Come visit me lol.

[fonmaneal]

I played D&D with my friends every Friday as well. We stopped playing about two months ago because our dungion master put us in a cave, and to get out of the cave we need to solve some complicated puzzle. So people got bored and we don't play anymore.

On topic: My friends and siblings are usually on MSN. And I live with some of my closest friends. I guess I am only lonely romantically, something I have just gotten used to. I hope to find another person just like me.

Dude, start your own game. Just think, in it you are GOD. You already know how a DM can kill a game.

As for getting lonely, I have more than enough voices in my head for that to happen.

[EsoteriEccentri]

Everyone in the entire world is lonely. Everyone. Don't try to tell me they're not. It's human. It's also human to strive against loneliness, whether you're introverted or extroverted or somewhere inbetween.
No-one in the world is understood, and everyone in the world has a deep underlying sadness that nothing can remove. But we're humans! We wouldn't have got this far if we let these things drag us down.
Everyone, whatever their type, their intelligence, their race, their seeming view on life - everyone yearns for an intense connection and wishes for the loneliness to be gone, whether they realize this or not.
I suppose the best thing you could do is try to go out more - but to places where you think there would be people you could get on with well, as opposed to the local pub.
Don't let the loneliness drag you down. Block it out! Find things, find people to occupy your mind. Get a pet? Find a partner, if you don't have one, and the same applies for friends.
You'll always feel alone but you can stifle the loneliness and feed on the pleasure of company when you can. Yes, I'm aware that you're an introvert but everyone needs company sometimes.
If you're really suffering from the feelings of loneliness (or alone-ness, it's perhaps slightly different) and there is no real reason for you to, except perhaps a sense of disconnection from everyone else, perhaps you're a tad depressed?

[Genuine]

Spending time with inanimate objects... helps. A computer, for example. Like a dead person, but much more sanitary.

[Lrigyttiw]

My loneliness is sometimes unbearable, and I try to mask it with music, the internet, writing, or other arty, consuming adventures (playing Sims 2 is really fun). Sometimes I yearn for my "one man" (whom I haven't found yet), who just "gets" me. I haven't had a serious relationship in 10 years and I long for one, but it's not the easiest thing to just put myself out there. All of my tests scored my extrovertedness very low. Once my comfort level is achieved, then I'm alive and energized, but work is involved for that level. I'm noticing that no one seems to want to work for the quality of me. I'm holding out. So, some days are better than others. There must be a small percentage of INTJs *BUT* who are we naturally attracted to? Would I be compatible with another INTJ?

[mkay]

I'm noticing that no one seems to want to work for the quality of me. I'm holding out.

To get them to start working, they have to see some sign that there's quality. How do you exhibit that?

[Lrigyttiw]

Conversation. If there's a common interest, or interests, they see it. I'm very passionate about "my things" (music, art, books). If someone approaches me, I don't shy away, but there are "rules of engagement". When they see that I'm not a cookie cutter Barbie, then that's the deal breaking moment time. If they want someone easy, I'm not the one. I have to be mentally stimulated first. And it seems that in the last 10 years, men that I've run into don't care to mentally stimulate a woman. Just acknowledging the physical bores me to death. So, in my maturity, I'd rather be bored and lonely, than just physically stimulated. It gets harder and harder, because I don't like most social situations. And I know for sure that no random single mid-to-late 40's hot guy is just going to knock on my door. It's so catch-22.

[mkay]

I can understand not wanting to be out if you think it unlikely you'll meet quality people. Maybe focus on ways to show your interests more? Book clubs, art and music events? Like if there's some art or music fest in your city, maybe do a bit of volunteer work. Even if you don't meet someone at the event, you might widen your social circle (with the type of people you prefer) and maybe meet someone through that? You'd at least enjoy the activities, and if you happen to meet someone, even better.

[Lrigyttiw]

That's just it. My skin crawls when I'm in social situations. I go to concerts alone, I go to movies alone; I don't mind doing things alone. I'm not the volunteer type. I'm just not a social person; my twin brother got that E gene. I've tried to be, and when I'm in those situations, all I'm thinking about is how bored I am, and how I wish I was home. I'm a high I. I just want to lasso one person... I know it's harder for me. Some days are just harder. If there was an Atlas Shrugged book club, I'd turn into an E in a heartbeat! But that book seems to intimidate some people. Unfortunately, all the activities I like are singular activities. I'm okay with it. I've accepted it. It doesn't make sense to be untrue to myself for the sake of being social. I deal with it. It doesn't stop me from doing things I want to do though. It's the wading through all the BS and muck that I, more times than not, don't have the strength to face, in order to find "him". I'm hoping he'll find me... before I die.

[mkay]

Wow, that's a tough situation. I agree that you shouldn't force yourself into social situations if you hate them that much.

[John Galt]

If there was an Atlas Shrugged book club, I'd turn into an E in a heartbeat! But that book seems to intimidate some people.


I wish it didn't. I have had some amazing discussions with the few of my friends who have read it. I also like it a lot (figures eh)?

Unfortunately, all the activities I like are singular activities.

This is something true in me as well. Especially competitive things. I enjoy those in which my personal ability is more relevant much more than those where I must depend on others.

[taoista]

Be your best companion, but keep contact with other people of course, or you´ll turn into a looney.

Do what you like to do, I guess. Fill yourself with what you enjoy and you won´t fill so lonesome, I think.

Ah! And enjoy yourself! That´s real important.

[zoophilia]

Don't "allow" yourself to be alone. Constantly go outside and be active.

[Freak]

Just be yourself and do whatever you like. Sometimes being alone makes life a lot easier...

[Max T]

How you deal with this loneliness. Most of the time it dones not bother, but sometimes I'm so fustrated to I'm alone. What the hell can I do?

I recommend you get a pet dog or cat.
When you're feeling particularly lonely and cuddle them, they radiate that love back, thereby reducing your sense of loneliness.

And the responsibility of looking after an animal also reduces your degree of introspection that may lead to a feeling of loneliness.
Not to mention the social act of meeting others when say walking a dog.

[cahernandez]

alone but not lonely. find your self-worth from w/in.

[Learning]

Build it and they will come... (or Stay Busy and they will come)
Casual relationship with people while working on a project seems useful at times.

I recommend you get a pet dog or cat.
When you're feeling particularly lonely and cuddle them, they radiate that love back, thereby reducing your sense of loneliness.

And the responsibility of looking after an animal also reduces your degree of introspection that may lead to a feeling of loneliness.
Not to mention the social act of meeting others when say walking a dog.
This is really good advice. Relationships are good and a worthwhile investment. (A pet also sounds good). Making acquaintences through projects may help you just get some activity in your life that makes you feel good, and a pet would give you some companionship at home. It's interesting how some people can feel alone even in a room full of people. I don't have much insight for you on that, but just for the sake of aleviating some of the loneliness more promptly, the above advice is good. (Working on deeper relationships would perhaps be more of a long-term goal.)

[xtremegeek]

Get a pet
People-watch at a large mall
Hop on a plane and just go somewhere
Exercise
Write all about your loneliness - you may find a solution just by writing about it
Go to a paint-your-own-pottery place - people there always chat with others
Go to a pet store and strike up conversations w/people about their pet. People love to talk about their pets

[phantasma]

Conversation. If there's a common interest, or interests, they see it. I'm very passionate about "my things" (music, art, books). If someone approaches me, I don't shy away, but there are "rules of engagement". When they see that I'm not a cookie cutter Barbie, then that's the deal breaking moment time. If they want someone easy, I'm not the one. I have to be mentally stimulated first. And it seems that in the last 10 years, men that I've run into don't care to mentally stimulate a woman. Just acknowledging the physical bores me to death. So, in my maturity, I'd rather be bored and lonely, than just physically stimulated. It gets harder and harder, because I don't like most social situations. And I know for sure that no random single mid-to-late 40's hot guy is just going to knock on my door. It's so catch-22.

I've experienced the same thing. In high school, an engaging intelligent conversation is hard to come by, and even harder to come by when talking to the opposite sex. Usually guys shy away from me because of my intellect, or don't care to think that I have any intellect. Nothing is more attractive than a good looking guy and great conversation.

[changos]

My loneliness and poor interest on money and being popular allowed me to make others feel safe with me and approach. I've found a lot in common and amazing conversations.

Along this amazing journey it gets harder and harder to be amazed, so the normal conversations seem boring. My memory makes me feel like I had that boring conversation 1,004 times and counting. I can hang out making company while hanging out, but people don't get it when I invite them to be alone with me (together). Meaning: people don't respect silence and the inner world seems so amazing to them that... they decide to invade it.

One thing is to share and another is to invade. I tried to have friends but I fail (see the other thread) and I end up with shadows following me. Thats not company.

[Mariko]

I tend to believe that one must find a place of happiness inside of themselves-one which consists of being alone, before one can truly be happy with anyone they must first be ok alone. I know that this is true for myself, however it may not be for you. I had a pretty lonely childhood but now as an adult with 30 years under the belt I love being alone. Have you tried going to to a doctor or some thing?

[anul]

I've recently used meetup.com as a way to get out of the house, to find like minded people. I've only been to one meet up so far, but it was enjoyable. There is also the option of drunk karaoke (or "krohkie" as I call it). Small town locals are amusing and frightening.

[AutisticCuckoo]

A pet can help take the edge off your loneliness. If you love a dog or a cat, you'll get tons of 100% honest love back.

It's not the same as human contact, of course, but it does help (at least for me).

[44sunsets]

Now that I am no longer a child, I no longer have managed support systems such as school, boy scouts, sports teams. It all has to be created by me, which sucks because I simply don't know how to do it. I'm sure lots of other people feel like me but can I find them??? NO :)

I'm surprised there seem to be a fair number of lonely INTJs here, because in real life I've never come across any INTJs who are lonely. They all have lots of friends and are admired or have high social status because of their expertise in different areas.

Find an area which you are really good at, and build up your social group around this expertise. There are clubs/groups for just about any topic are you can imagine, both online and offline. Basically, the rule is to find something you love doing, and share your love of that subject area with other people.

I know one INTJ who is an expert in a rather geeky topic area, and she constantly has people clamouring to spend time with her and inviting her to events etc (I'm not going to say her name because she is rather well known internationally and I'm sure somebody would instantly recognise her).

Don't discount the value of online "friendships" and networks, BTW. They can lead to a rich offline circle of friends as well, locally, nationally and internationally. That's what happened to my INTJ friend.

I myself struggle with loneliness sometimes, and I find it very difficult to go to social clubs and things like that because I lack confidence and have high social anxiety.

The INTJs I know have all managed to conquer their shyness fairly easily, and they have no shortage of confidence or competence. I envy them sometimes, but I know I have to try harder.

I tend to believe that one must find a place of happiness inside of themselves-one which consists of being alone, before one can truly be happy with anyone they must first be ok alone.

You should be comfortable with being alone, but everyone definitely needs at least a few close friends and human companionship in one form or another, it's the way we are biologically hard-wired. If you go without friends for extended periods, that can really, really screw you up psychologically. I've seen it happen to other people.

It can be a lot of hard work, maintaining friendships and social circles.

[AutisticCuckoo]

I'm surprised there seem to be a fair number of lonely INTJs here, because in real life I've never come across any INTJs who are lonely. They all have lots of friends and are admired or have high social status because of their expertise in different areas.

Being admired or considered to have high social status isn't the same thing as having friends – at least not if we're talking close friends. I'd call it acquaintances or colleagues.

I enjoy some respect, even internationally, in my field of expertise. A few people have even said they admire me (both for professional and personal reasons). But I don't have any close, personal friends other than a few people who live far, far away and with whom I can only stay in touch via telephone or email.

[44sunsets]

Being admired or considered to have high social status isn't the same thing as having friends – at least not if we're talking close friends. I'd call it acquaintances or colleagues.


Of course it's not the same. These INTJs all have close friends as well as, else I wouldn't be calling them friends.

Just goes to show the diversity of people.

Oh, also, I'm reminded of some timely and apt lines from the "Sunscreen song", lyrics by Mary Schmich:
"Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young."

But I don't have any close, personal friends other than a few people who live far, far away and with whom I can only stay in touch via telephone or email.

So you do have close friends. The fact that they're far away is irrelevant. People make life choices that often take friends many hundreds or thousands of kilometres away from each other, that is the chaotic nature of life.

[changos]

Being admired or considered to have high social status
Both things "seem" to make having friends easier but in fact just make things worse as it makes a lot of people get interested in you for the wrong reasons or just plain interest.

44sunsets, I'm not saying you addressed this specifically, is just a good point to mention. As an INTJ I have my "gifts" and when I "shine" people come to me... I just start counting the minutes until they ask me for something (it doesn't take much time)

Some see friendship as the social status of what gives them permission to ask you for special favors, or just having some rights over your life or your stuff... I don't like that. (and guess what? they get upset...)

[replicant]

Even with my husband by my side, I often feel lonely. I have friends but I never feel they feel the same way about me as I do them. You can be a good sweet person but it doesn't mean that even the people you call friends can comfort you and save you from the loneliness. I think the loneliness is being of a sole perspective and because no one is exactly on your wavelength, you feel it acutely. My husband he tries and he's a good soul, but still I am lonely. Some of the loneliness has been fended off by participating on here but still I find that I am lonely and don't feel that true acceptance. You just got to keep yourself busy and push on.

[Dreamer]

You just need an interesting hobby.

[szaxazs]

You MUST develop relationships or be lonely. Those are your choices.

Feeling lonely is actually a feeling, and feelings too, as your thoughts, come from your brain.(Yes feeling does NOT come from the heart:irked:)

If you feel lonely it's merely because the only thing you think of is that you are alone. Stop focusing on the fact that you are alone and you are 50% there.

The other 50% is to actually find something to do.

Try watching funny videos, lots of them, try making some robots, something complex that will draw you completely.

Of course there are WAY too many choices than relationships with other humans.

There are people who don't need any social interaction at all, and that is because they don't really give a shit, not because they can not socialize. And there are people who can't socialize but would want to. If you are in the first category and feel lonely just find something that will appeal to you very much, and go on with it. If you want to socialize, just try. But if you won't try and instead think all the time that you can't socialize, you won't be able to do it because the 50% of you being unable to socialize is because you say you are not capable of doing so.

At the end of it it's all about what you think.
The mere fact that you say you feel lonely implies that you just mainly think you are lonely. Nothing more, nothing less.

Stop thinking that you are alone and in my opinion things will change just from that.


I suppose the best thing you could do is try to go out more - but to places where you think there would be people you could get on with well, as opposed to the local pub.
Agree.

Well conversations (good ones) can be very entertaining and energizing, whether they are iRL or not. If this is what you want, try going out, or chatting. Well chatting can be quite stupid sometimes, but it can be a pretty good substitute for real f2f conversations.

All in all imo every single idea mentioned here, more or less, is quite good. Read carefully every reply and end up with your own solution:thumbsup:.

P.S.
You should be comfortable with being alone, but everyone definitely needs at least a few close friends and human companionship in one form or another, it's the way we are biologically hard-wired. If you go without friends for extended periods, that can really, really screw you up psychologically. I've seen it happen to other people.
(agree, we are meant to be social beings)
Some see friendship as the social status of what gives them permission to ask you for special favors, or just having some rights over your life or your stuff... I don't like that. (and guess what? they get upset...)
(agree, happens most of the time)
So most of us (if not all) are basically biologically hard-wired to make friends, just to have the permission to ask for favors.

Damn, sociology is a screwed-up thing:rolleyes:

[zief]

I also am very lonely. I would talk to more people, but i dont know how to talk to people. Also i would talk, but no one starts conversations with me and its hard for me to make small talk.

[AutisticCuckoo]

So you do have close friends. The fact that they're far away is irrelevant. People make life choices that often take friends many hundreds or thousands of kilometres away from each other, that is the chaotic nature of life.

True, of course. But friendship at a distance is a bit different than when it's up close. Being able to see your friend in person, look at his or her eyes and facial expression, hugging, etc, is something you miss out on over the phone.

[44sunsets]

Being able to see your friend in person, look at his or her eyes and facial expression, hugging, etc, is something you miss out on over the phone.

Yes, definitely, there is no substitute to having your friends close by. My closest friends have moved overseas for a few years for travel and life/work experience. I really miss them. I guess I have to find some other good friends to fill the "void".

[szaxazs]

Yes, definitely, there is no substitute to having your friends close by. My closest friends have moved overseas for a few years for travel and life/work experience. I really miss them. I guess I have to find some other good friends to fill the "void".

And how can you be so sure that the only way to fill this void is to find some other good friends? Have you tried anything else and failed, or haven't you tried anything else at all? Imho you can fill whatever void with whatever pleases you. If you find flying R/C planes exhilarating, then POP, the need for friendship might just as well as blew like a balloon. Same goes for crabs or fishing or anything. Its how much you think it will fill the void that determines a lot of what you want, and mainly what you want not.

[Minerva]

Doesn't anyone on this thread live close to each other, or want to take a holiday this summer and go meet each other? I know this sounds like a pie in the sky idea, but this loneliness stuff is breaking my heart.

[szaxazs]

I think that it would be interesting if people living in the US could met somewhere. Rafting ,hiking, crazy things always sound nice, it would be fun.

[Freak87]

So, I just spent the past 8 hours completely alone, with only a couple of phone calls (my mother, my roommate) to break the silence.

Two of those hours, I spent taking a much-needed nap.
Six of those hours, as depressing as it sounds, I spent doing basically nothing all day, and checking my e-mail, this forum, etc.

I talked to my dog, just to talk to somebody.

And now I feel that loneliness, too. I will actually be glad to get up in the morning and see familiar faces at the office. My "down time" I needed to take to "charge" is now complete. I could have gone out and hung out with my group of friends, but I knew I needed to be alone. Even as I knew that I would be tired of being alone after awhile. Such is the strange life of a just-barely-introvert.

So, I know how you feel. Before I had worked hard at acquiring, nurturing, and enjoying the close friendships I have now, I would spend days at a time sequestered from the world and feeling like I was going to implode, I spent so much time in my own head.

Like Motor Jax said, don't isolate yourself. I found my group of friends at a church. It was like coming home, when I discovered other twentysomethings in the middle of life, just like me. I live far away from my immediate family, so they became that family to me. We all support each other emotionally; we challenge each other; we hang out and goof off together; we go to lunch, movies, and shopping together. Rare is it that I have to be alone anymore. I can always call one of my 3-5 good friends and they will drop whatever it is they are doing and come to be with me. Or let me come to their place.

I think we are all a little bit like infants, when it's all said and done. Infants don't know they need human touch and interaction, but they do. They will not survive if they do not receive positive, natural touch. As adults, our need for physical touch diminishes (but does not go away), but I think our need for mental/emotional/social touch increases.

Why do I say this? Because getting lost in your own mind isn't fun after awhile. You and I need to get "out of ourselves" and focus on other people once in awhile in order to stay sane. There's something to be said for thinking about other people's needs first ... if nothing else, it gets you to stop focusing on your own loneliness for a moment in time. It's a good feeling, to reach out.

I'm probably rambling. The thoughts are connected in my mind, but not so much in type. I wish you the best. May your loneliness subside.

good post. yeah follow- get out there and try- that is the best way to defeat loneliness! connect with people- however you can. thanks for posting. you being honest encourages me too be! :)

[bricklayer]

I tend to like being alone but if you're looking for a way to get to know more people you have to find things to do to get yourself out in the world. Try volunteering or something. People will love you for it.

[Asylum]

The people who are closest to me...
There are just some things I know we can't talk about.
...

I feel lonely when people point out the fact that I'm talking to myself...
Or somehow make it obvious I don't have many friends...

[kitkatsavvy]

i feel lonely too..just last night two of my sisters were saying like 'oh i used to go to the shops with my brother and spend $5 on food' etc.. i said quietly 'noone ever asked me!'

im not trying to go backwards in the past here, but family wise i was the black sheep..ie none of my sisters or brothers hung around me at all - i was the loner..

and guess what.. i AM still a loner :( sux.. i know i shouldnt be in victim mode.. but i tried to join table tennis last year - i just ended up getting depressed because i lost every game..and before that i tried playing indoor cricket.. i just went nuts and smashed the shit out of every ball when i was batting...

maybe i have to find a club i like..but i have never been "good" at anything specific... i hate how well "nerdy" people crap on about something they really like.. i am totally not one for small talk because it is just a waste of time..mm maybe ill try and find a new club to join.. i dont know... *sigh*

[Seppuku Savant]

I love the loneliness, it is my goddess.
It reminds me that I still need to be with those of my species.

That's a really lovely way to see it. You've shared a very positive viewpoint about an otherwise negative state of being.

I won't add anymore 'getting out of loneliness' advice. I'm sure you logically understand what you need to do in order to evade being lonely. You do it, or you don't. That's it.

[Ter983]

I hate social situations also.. I always feel awkward. Esp. in dating situations... I always turned down guys that ask me out because I would over analyze the situation and assume right away it was pointless. Lately though I have been trying to take a few risks and just say yes. I think thats just what INTJ's have to do.. because it is not like it gets better..

[Keith]

I never had problems with loneliness, depression, etc. until almost a year ago. I had come to develop a system of ideals that centered around relationships (particularly human relationships). Since I was decidedly failing in attaining said ideals, I became depressed and was miserable until I abandoned them.

Moral: embrace the solitude. Use it to grow and thrive. You don't have to be like everyone else ...although there is a lot to be said wrt evolutionary psychology and relationships, so YMMV.

[Fej]

I feel lonely and I am lonely. Some days I wish I had a few close, good friends but other days I feel like I do not care at all, and that I am better off by myself. Sometimes I wish I had a girlfriend and sometimes I feel like I am better alone and at the same time conserving resources(time, money, headaches, anxiousness, etc).

Maybe it is just myself(brain) trying to conform and adapt, it should be also noted that part of this may be that I am just giving up(as I am socially inept, never had friends, don't know how to make them, etc)

[Rishki]

Most of the time I'm in my own world so I don't really think about loneliness...

[rokxal]

My head is my reality. Plenty of selves to talk to there. Plus there's always the Internet.

[Deadgod]

I get the loneliness syndrome alot. As a matter of fact, I have it right now. But that's cuz there's nothing to do and the community doesn't hold any activities worth participating in (or any for that matter). People are overrated and are only into their immediate pleasures or "What can I suck out of your personality?". Most friendships I have practically already ended and they thankfully ended quietly without any bitterness. Actually, they didn't end in argument but in simply not communicating for a while and never hearing from them ever.
A good question: Does anyone ever feel that people do not want to be your friend?

[Minerva]

A good question: Does anyone ever feel that people do not want to be your friend?

Yeah, (but not for a while... but I'm not INTJ. I am on the other side of the spectrum) but the question is why? What is it that you do that "they" don't like? I know that most people won't "get" you, but try to think about things that you may have done that alienated the few (?) people who may have tried to get close. Or those people who you may have felt some connection to.

Can you think of any situation in particular? What have you or what can you learn from these experiences?

[nexustential]

I often feel lonely and I'm fortunate enough to have a handful of very good, very close friends. In my case, the older I've gotten, the more aware I've become that I'm almost always lonely. However, one must make due. Know what you want to change in your life to improve your situation and do it. Strength of will prevails.

[Socrates]

I see loneliness as another type of social interaction. Just as cold is still associated with heat energy even though it is lacking it, solitude is still a social function when compared to company. Think of it this way, when you spend a lot of time with someone, you learn more about them and learn how to better interact with them. In opposition, when one is submitted to solitude, they immediately begin to converse with themselves in the form of thought. As this is still a social interaction, the subject is still learning about his social partner, in this case, himself. He learns how to control himself, and how to handle his own temperament more efficiently. Therefore, loneliness is not a curse or bad thing forced upon oneself by society, but rather it is a natural destination when one seeks to reflect upon his own nature.

[NephilimAzrael]

Loneliness? Have you tried music? If not making it, then why not listening to it. Does wonders for me. Just a suggestion.

[Deadgod]

Loneliness? Have you tried music? If not making it, then why not listening to it. Does wonders for me. Just a suggestion.

Explain how music helps loneliness? Maybe give a factual explanation. I do both: make music and listen to it. Doesn't help much and makes one seem more emo than anything.

[NephilimAzrael]

Can you read the last three words of my message? "Just a suggestion"
Factually speaking, if one is expressing themselves in some fashion the loneliness is given an occupation rather than dwelling on it. You claim that indulging in music is more an "Emo" indulgence, well i'd rather quickly assume that you may have become jaded by your own music.

On the other hand, in delving into the depths of the loneliness, one may wish to determine why one is succumbing to the loneliness? Where is the problem? Maybe communicate it in an inner monologue to assess the situation. That is partly why the music helps me, it gives a soundtrack to the thoughts to run with. Makes it easier to come to my own solutions.

[Deadgod]

Can you read the last three words of my message? "Just a suggestion"
Factually speaking, if one is expressing themselves in some fashion the loneliness is given an occupation rather than dwelling on it. You claim that indulging in music is more an "Emo" indulgence, well i'd rather quickly assume that you may have become jaded by your own music.

On the other hand, in delving into the depths of the loneliness, one may wish to determine why one is succumbing to the loneliness? Where is the problem? Maybe communicate it in an inner monologue to assess the situation. That is partly why the music helps me, it gives a soundtrack to the thoughts to run with. Makes it easier to come to my own solutions.

That's quite an assumption. But it's not true.

The loneliness you describe is true for most introverts, for they do take their time in indulging in their craft, but what I think the thread hints at is the need for friends and company more so than finding a remedy for loneliness. Company and friends are essential needs that we introverts seem to lack. The music is only be a short-term solution. It could lead to a long-term solution if one develops it fully, publishes it, and gets recognized for it, however.

[karenk]

Conversation. If there's a common interest, or interests, they see it. I'm very passionate about "my things" (music, art, books). If someone approaches me, I don't shy away, but there are "rules of engagement". When they see that I'm not a cookie cutter Barbie, then that's the deal breaking moment time. If they want someone easy, I'm not the one. I have to be mentally stimulated first. And it seems that in the last 10 years, men that I've run into don't care to mentally stimulate a woman. Just acknowledging the physical bores me to death. So, in my maturity, I'd rather be bored and lonely, than just physically stimulated. It gets harder and harder, because I don't like most social situations. And I know for sure that no random single mid-to-late 40's hot guy is just going to knock on my door. It's so catch-22.

I prefer those activities alone too: movies, museums, concerts.... When I have gone with a SO in the past - more than several times the people got upset because I was involved with the performance/exhibit and not noticing their presence enough during it, (which is very odd to me since we talk before and after). I don't see those activities as particularly social.

[NephilimAzrael]

That's quite an assumption. But it's not true.

The loneliness you describe is true for most introverts, for they do take their time in indulging in their craft, but what I think the thread hints at is the need for friends and company more so than finding a remedy for loneliness. Company and friends are essential needs that we introverts seem to lack. The music is only be a short-term solution. It could lead to a long-term solution if one develops it fully, publishes it, and gets recognized for it, however.

I was forwarding it not merely as a craft, but a meditative tool. If one is enduring loneliness and/or distance from other people. It may benefit the individual to come to a conclusion as to where to start, on their own terms, and by their own accord. Rather than feeling the impulse to request suggested solutions from others.

[Tulula]

I tend to believe that one must find a place of happiness inside of themselves-one which consists of being alone, before one can truly be happy with anyone they must first be ok alone. I know that this is true for myself, however it may not be for you. I had a pretty lonely childhood but now as an adult with 30 years under the belt I love being alone. Have you tried going to to a doctor or some thing?

Mariko, I tend to believe this as well; however, I do believe there is a huge difference between being "constructively alone" and "destructively alone" and when I find that I am being "destructively alone", I make every possible effort to get out and mingle!

[L30]

After many, many years of loneliness, I decided I couldn't live all life like that, maybe the greater part but not ALL!
So I became J for about a year, making detailed plans and such to escape the status quo.
In the end I moved to a shared house with 2 good friends, and I got a nice, very family-oriented ESTJ girlfriend!
The loneliness was GONE before I realized it, not without joy and great astonishment (after all those years..!).
So for me the simplest answer was the right one, if ur lonely just get some people in ur life.

[Fej]

if ur lonely just get some people in ur life.

Thanks for telling us that, Sherlock.


By the way, it ain't that easy. Especially for those of us who are not very sociable.

[NephilimAzrael]

Edit to thread: You are probably describing a sense of isolation?

[Dominguez]

o ever woefully i feel you guys' similar pain. really does suck. even when things seem to be going awesome, things can still go awry.