Mature Ways of Dealing with Emotion

[sriv]

Dealing with it.
Expression of it.
Manipulation of it.
Understanding it.
Use of it.

I need to know. The only ones I have heard of are the immature ways. Apparently, emotion can be used for good. I dunno how that is possible, so I need enlightenment!

[Vivid]

I've found it most useful to put myself in social groups with people who are emotionally mature ( but not avoiding others, of course ). Sometimes it's hard to distinquish those people, but they're frequently much older. Then I can learn from them. I wouldn't hesitate to ask the advise of multiple elders to gain good insight about specific situations.
And therapists are exceptionally great.

[Vardigon]

You might not be open to something that sounds a bit off-the-wall or "New Agey," but I've found a technique recently that I use for myself to help with emotional issues called the Emotional Freedom Technique, or EFT. It's basically composed of a structured set of affirmations used to evoke your emotion, to bring it to the surface, and then tapping on certain points of the body, which is believed to rid the "energy system" of the emotion. I've used it on several issues and I've gained some element of calm from it. I wouldn't buy their expensive DVDs(but supposedly you might be able to get a free copy!), but the basics seem to be enough for me at the moment.

The main element that basically brings up the emotion to be dealt with is the speech pattern that you use -- so it's not a method of suppressing/repressing the emotion, but actually owning what you feel.

Like I said, you might not be into stuff like this, but give it a try and see what happens :).

Eldanen

[bubbles]

Accept your emotions and do not try to suppress it (unless it is necessary...). Even when you don't understand why you feel the way you do, just accept it. Understand why you feel that way and how you can use it to your advantage (I know, it sounds very INTJ). When you feel happy, express it, people like to be around happy people. Express your positive feelings to others (for example, if you appreciate what they do for you, show them).

That's all I can think of right now.

[azelismia]

Accept your emotions and do not try to suppress it (unless it is necessary...). Even when you don't understand why you feel the way you do, just accept it. Understand why you feel that way and how you can use it to your advantage (I know, it sounds very INTJ). When you feel happy, express it, people like to be around happy people. Express your positive feelings to others (for example, if you appreciate what they do for you, show them).

That's all I can think of right now.

yeah a couple years ago I realised I needed to start making myself more accessible and likable to coworkers. I try to express myself every opportunity I have. If I like what someone does I make a point of pointing out or saying job well done. If I like what they're wearing, I say so. I temper bad things I say with something good afterwards even if it's lame. It's just an exercise. it seems to work for the most part. When I was a kid I did not allow myself to cry if I needed to. I could suppress any emotion quite well, When I was in ak with a SERIOUS case of cabin fever that broke down. I cry more often now to let things out. I think it helps. LIke bubbles said. Let yourself go thru the process of the different emotions instead of trying to control them. it does balance things out. I think they have the function of releasing various hormones.

[FrankieBones]

Expanding on what Bubbles wrote:

Don't resist your negative emotions either. You are having them for a reason.
When you resist your emotions it only serves to make them stronger.
Find a safe place or a safe person to vent them to and you will see that they immediately change.

[sriv]

Is extraversion of emotions the only way to vent them, or is it just the easiest way ;)?

[FrankieBones]

Is extraversion of emotions the only way to vent them, or is it just the easiest way ;)?


By far the easiest way! But not the only way.

Being introverted about your emotions requires that you be absolutely honest with yourself. Self deception is the mother of all deceptions.
But the point was that when you resist what you are feeling than the emotion will only become stronger. Vocalizing them is one way to accept what you feel.

Find a way that works best for you.

[sriv]

I am somewhat confused about this topic because I am stuck on the idea that introverts can vent as well as extraverts can, in their own way. Most people only tell you to vent them outwardly by punching a bag or by crying your face off. I want to know how to vent them inwardly.
I think this has something to do with meditation and releasing the emotions inside the mind so that they are diffused throughout and eventually leak out. I need to do some research.

[Solaris]

I agree with what Frankiebones said. If you are to vent inwardly, you have to be completely honest. Since we are human, this is nearly impossible to do. We, especially some NTs, want think we are always right. That kind of inward thinking will generally just serve to balloon the emotion into something harmful. You have to be willing to admit where you are right *and wrong* in a situation. If you are only going to vent this inwardly, then you have to examine the whole thing with sincerity.

This is a highly dangerous practice, in my opinion, because it allows way too much leeway for things to get skewed. If there is no balance, no check, no outside input, how can you be sure you are truly being objective? How do you establish your norms? How do you know when you exceed them? I journal, and then sometimes read back to check how I was processing something. Mainly, I have a few people I can trust, and talk to them if I am really needing a check or a fresh perspective. Living too much in my own head is dangerous for me, I know this.

Granted, there are things we can let go of ourselves, without aid. I am referring to the bigger emotional issues in life, as I think you are too.

[Aronnax]

Is extraversion of emotions the only way to vent them, or is it just the easiest way ;)?

If efficiency is your game is there really a distinction?;)

Yes, there are ways to resolve emotion through internal reflection but it takes a lot more time and energy than simply finding a safe outlet for them.

Allowing emotions to take hold isn't just an effective release, it gives you perspective into the thought process of more emotional decision makers. Developing empathy will only help you in the long run.

Like Azelismia said earlier, emotion make you more accessible to other people. The value of this may not be readily apparent because you probably don't care what others think about you. What does matter is how their opinion of you effects their reaction to you. Just because you can separate your feelings about a person and decisions involving them doesn't mean that everyone else can. When you're dealing with equals the old line from "The Prince" that says "It's better to be feared than loved." is wrong. Machiavelli was writing to a ruler and assumed that the ruler would remain in power and didn't really have equals. In normal life your social position is in flux and fear can easily turn to hate. That kind of change can happen very quickly if said person ends up in a position where he has power over you. On the other hand if someone likes or loves you those feelings will remain relatively stable regardless of social change.

[gogurtdynasty]

I experience the emotions

Recognize them

Step back

ask "Now what useful purpose's could feeling like this serve in my life"

Then i think... and think

and after i think for all too long it hits me like a rock on the head and there's my answer




I like to think of it like conjuring my emotions in order to solve many problems in my life that i would not realize existed without them... that process really helps me feel like i better understand my "problems"

[sriv]

If efficiency is your game is there really a distinction?;)

Yes, there are ways to resolve emotion through internal reflection but it takes a lot more time and energy than simply finding a safe outlet for them.

Allowing emotions to take hold isn't just an effective release, it gives you perspective into the thought process of more emotional decision makers. Developing empathy will only help you in the long run.

Like Azelismia said earlier, emotion make you more accessible to other people. The value of this may not be readily apparent because you probably don't care what others think about you. What does matter is how their opinion of you effects their reaction to you. Just because you can separate your feelings about a person and decisions involving them doesn't mean that everyone else can. When you're dealing with equals the old line from "The Prince" that says "It's better to be feared than loved." is wrong. Machiavelli was writing to a ruler and assumed that the ruler would remain in power and didn't really have equals. In normal life your social position is in flux and fear can easily turn to hate. That kind of change can happen very quickly if said person ends up in a position where he has power over you. On the other hand if someone likes or loves you those feelings will remain relatively stable regardless of social change.

Good point, but I like the idea that emotions are personal, private things that should be kept to oneself and cherished. All this outward venting of emotions looks to me like uncontrolled, wasted energy. It looks to me like it reflects the instable nature of that person.

Lol, safe outlet. More like -- pressurized exhaust pipe.

I am able to use emotion somewhat shallowly in communication and I am making a conscious effort to access it more readily. It usually has to pass through my filters so that it does not do anything brash so it is slow in passage. The problem is that I never hurt anyone, but I never really help anyone either. No one really goes to me for help even though I would probably be the best person to go to. I should project more.

[EsoteriEccentri]

Is this possibly inspired by the self mutilation thread?

[sriv]

Is this possibly inspired by the self mutilation thread?

No, it is a question that has been in my head for a long time. I thought it would come up eventually, but it didn't. Originally proposed by Haphazard one or two months ago, I think.

[schwartzie]

Allowing emotions to take hold ... gives you perspective .... [and makes you] accessible ... In normal life your social position is in flux and fear can easily turn to hate. That kind of change can happen very quickly if said person ends up in a position where he has power over you. On the other hand if someone likes or loves you those feelings will remain relatively stable regardless of social change.
I think the bolded part is important. Can you explain more or give examples?

[sriv]

I think the bolded part is important. Can you explain more or give examples?

This thread is about how to maturely deal with emotions in general and there are no specific instances where I have had huge problems. It's for future reference for me and others. How better to learn how to deal with a problem than to learn how to deal with it before it happens? ;D
I just have this general detachment from my emotions where I pull on them to help me in certain circumstances, but I do not allow negative ones to affect my reactions or my thoughts.

[schwartzie]

Is extraversion of emotions the only way to vent them...

No, and it's not necessarily safe for all of us to just start experimenting. It depends where the person is at, and what they need to be happy. For example, developing a more satisfying emotional life in a safe setting is the central concern of "dialectical behavioral therapy," which involves learning emotional regulation, as well as learning how to live more fully in the present ("mindfulness"), and managing stress.

The therapy is actually more like training camp than Dr. Freud's office, being offered, in principal part, to groups in a class-like setting. It is a very low risk, user-friendly form of therapy.) Some resources on DBT and mindfulness.
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Mindfulness and dbt training works, but ... don't attempt this at home, kids... Even experienced therapists need fairly extensive training before attempting to run a dbt group.

[Aronnax]

I think the bolded part is important. Can you explain more or give examples?

I can try, that statement came out of experience and I don't want to recount my life story. After staring at the screen for a while I think I have a "short" example.

When I got out of high school I wasn't interested in further education (yet) so I got into forestry. I picked up the hard skills, got my commercial drivers license for the crew vehicle and could organize projects so I was promoted to crew leader. I tried to lead by example and didn't have much to say unless I was giving workers instructions or dealing with discipline. I was of the mind that all people needed to do was show up and follow instructions and everything would be fine. Their opinion of me didn't matter, if they did their job I left them alone, otherwise I'd have to do something to "fix" the situation. Fixing the situation meant I'd fire them or ride them until they either quit or improved. Needless to say I wasn't very popular with my crew. Across the board I was either respected or despised and knew it. Looking back I was ruling through fear but wasn't aware of that, I thought I was being fair.

Months go by, crews get rearranged, people get promoted. A few of my former subordinates have crews of their own or have been shifted to office duty because of injuries. Now I'm dealing with background politics. Although I'd completed every project on time and under budget there's this subtle resistance against my decisions and requests.

I also picked up a new guy who was an absolute master of passive resistance. He manages to do just enough to avoid being fired but would drag production down unless I micromanaged everything. He was also very charismatic so he could get other members of the crew to go along with whatever he had planned.

At this point I had 2 serious problems, people who didn't like me but had to ear of management due to proximity and a guy who's my subordinate in the hierarchy but my superior in social standing. It took me a long time to figure out the cause of those problems. It wasn't that I didn't respect and appreciate when people did good work, my failure was I never let others know that. It took a lot of work to repair the damage I had done and there was more to fixing the problems than just praising others but that was the root of my problem.

Excelling will get you respect but respect isn't the same as positive feelings. Good communication is at the core of every relationship and communication has to be individually tailored. Just because you can digest information directly and impersonally doesn't mean everyone else can. Understanding your own emotions and developing empathy is a good way to bridge the communication gap between you and SF types.

As the years have gone by the people I've worked with have moved on to other companies and agencies. The respect and good will we'd developed years before has remained, regardless of the amount of success we've had since moving on. Ill will lingers in the same way, if anything it grows like a cancer. How you express emotion doesn't just matter to you, it effects how others perceive you.





Aronnax added to this post, 5 minutes and 14 seconds later...


Lol, safe outlet. More like -- pressurized exhaust pipe.




Think about it like a loaded dump truck. You could climb into the bed, examine each rock, carry it out of the bed and place it quietly on the group.

The other option would be to find a safe place to unload and hit the dump button. It's messy and loud but it's far easier and nothing is stopping you from looking at each rock after it hits the ground.

[azelismia]

I can try, that statement came out of experience and I don't want to recount my life story. After staring at the screen for a while I think I have a "short" example.

When I got out of high school I wasn't interested in further education (yet) so I got into forestry. I picked up the hard skills, got my commercial drivers license for the crew vehicle and could organize projects so I was promoted to crew leader. I tried to lead by example and didn't have much to say unless I was giving workers instructions or dealing with discipline. I was of the mind that all people needed to do was show up and follow instructions and everything would be fine. Their opinion of me didn't matter, if they did their job I left them alone, otherwise I'd have to do something to "fix" the situation. Fixing the situation meant I'd fire them or ride them until they either quit or improved. Needless to say I wasn't very popular with my crew. Across the board I was either respected or despised and knew it. Looking back I was ruling through fear but wasn't aware of that, I thought I was being fair.

Months go by, crews get rearranged, people get promoted. A few of my former subordinates have crews of their own or have been shifted to office duty because of injuries. Now I'm dealing with background politics. Although I'd completed every project on time and under budget there's this subtle resistance against my decisions and requests.

I also picked up a new guy who was an absolute master of passive resistance. He manages to do just enough to avoid being fired but would drag production down unless I micromanaged everything. He was also very charismatic so he could get other members of the crew to go along with whatever he had planned.

At this point I had 2 serious problems, people who didn't like me but had to ear of management due to proximity and a guy who's my subordinate in the hierarchy but my superior in social standing. It took me a long time to figure out the cause of those problems. It wasn't that I didn't respect and appreciate when people did good work, my failure was I never let others know that. It took a lot of work to repair the damage I had done and there was more to fixing the problems than just praising others but that was the root of my problem.

Excelling will get you respect but respect isn't the same as positive feelings. Good communication is at the core of every relationship and communication has to be individually tailored. Just because you can digest information directly and impersonally doesn't mean everyone else can. Understanding your own emotions and developing empathy is a good way to bridge the communication gap between you and SF types.

As the years have gone by the people I've worked with have moved on to other companies and agencies. The respect and good will we'd developed years before has remained, regardless of the amount of success we've had since moving on. Ill will lingers in the same way, if anything it grows like a cancer. How you express emotion doesn't just matter to you, it effects how others perceive you.





Aronnax added to this post, 5 minutes and 14 seconds later...




Think about it like a loaded dump truck. You could climb into the bed, examine each rock, carry it out of the bed and place it quietly on the group.

The other option would be to find a safe place to unload and hit the dump button. It's messy and loud but it's far easier and nothing is stopping you from looking at each rock after it hits the ground.


yeah, that's the reason I figured out that I needed to learn how to be more likable. the other thing I do ( I am in an office setting) I regularly put candy on my desk for people. I noticed hte popular Sj's all do that. it helps. I try to mimic the SJ's on things that aren't too much of a strain for me to do to keep some semblance of popularity in the office. on my reviews my boss always says I should try and fit in more. it's one of the only bad things she says about me.

[True Rune]

This "Introverted" dealing with emotions, could it be different for everyone? There probably could be a recognizable pattern.. I'm learning to give compliments, but how extravagant should we be with them? Would a simple "Well done." usually suffice?

[mkay]

This "Introverted" dealing with emotions, could it be different for everyone? There probably could be a recognizable pattern.. I'm learning to give compliments, but how extravagant should we be with them? Would a simple "Well done." usually suffice?

I don't know whether this would work in your job, but this is what I do:

I don't give work compliments lightly, but when I do give them, I praise publicly. That not only recognizes the good work but reinforces to others I manage what the bar is. I'm specific about why I thought the work was good.

When someone has put in a lot of extra effort and done great work, I email my bosses and CC that person. Even if the individual doesn't require a lot of validation, it lets me promote him/her among my bosses.

Personally, I don't need much validation. I know when my work is good. But it doesn't feel bad to hear a compliment / appreciation. (As long as it's sincere, of course.)

[brooklyncs]

I used to have a tendency to get depressed very easily, and I was so whiny and weepy that I got on my own nerves. Now I do this: If I feel negative, depressed, angry, etc, I sit down for a while by myself, refuse to answer the phone, and say, "OK, why am I feeling this? Is (insert reason here) worth this feeling? What can I do to fix the situation/reason? Is this feeling serving a purpose, or is it warranted?" I've even been known to make numbered lists of reasons why or why not. If I determine that I'm overreacting, I make myself do something nice just for me, then I get over it. If it's an issue where being upset/angry/sad about something is warranted and I can't fix it, I have a good cry, talk with my roommate, or take a hot bath and then hole up in my room with a book all day. If I can fix the situation, I fix the situation.
If it's a positive feeling, I just go with it and react however the heck I feel like at the time, whether it's just smiling, saying to myself, "Wow, that was cool," and moving on, rushing home to tell my roommate what's going on, laughing hysterically etc.
I'm very reflective, and don't tend to express much to other people. My ex said that I spent too much time and energy monitoring my emotions and accused me of being emotionally dishonest. I don't think that's the case - I just try to make sure that I'm not getting upset/angry/too worked up over things that just aren't worth it.

[sriv]

I used to have a tendency to get depressed very easily, and I was so whiny and weepy that I got on my own nerves. Now I do this: If I feel negative, depressed, angry, etc, I sit down for a while by myself, refuse to answer the phone, and say, "OK, why am I feeling this? Is (insert reason here) worth this feeling? What can I do to fix the situation/reason? Is this feeling serving a purpose, or is it warranted?" I've even been known to make numbered lists of reasons why or why not. If I determine that I'm overreacting, I make myself do something nice just for me, then I get over it. If it's an issue where being upset/angry/sad about something is warranted and I can't fix it, I have a good cry, talk with my roommate, or take a hot bath and then hole up in my room with a book all day. If I can fix the situation, I fix the situation.
If it's a positive feeling, I just go with it and react however the heck I feel like at the time, whether it's just smiling, saying to myself, "Wow, that was cool," and moving on, rushing home to tell my roommate what's going on, laughing hysterically etc.
I'm very reflective, and don't tend to express much to other people. My ex said that I spent too much time and energy monitoring my emotions and accused me of being emotionally dishonest. I don't think that's the case - I just try to make sure that I'm not getting upset/angry/too worked up over things that just aren't worth it.

I wish I had your freedom of emotions. They are not free like yours. In instances not traumatic, I would have to force them out. In other words, I do not involuntarily have a great deal of emotion.

[EsoteriEccentri]

When I get overcome by emotion I tell myself to shut up and stop being stupid. And it builds up and up until I am reduced to a near animal state. Then I take it out on myself, in some form or another, because I feel it is either that or doing something even more stupid, like making a flying leap through the nearest window. I turn any emotions in on myself. Introverted Feeling.

I physically cannot talk about my emotions in real life, though online it is far far easier (hey, I'm typing this!) I can't say the slightest thing about myself, whether it's particularly personal or not, without getting extremely dizzy or crying or being completely unable to open my mouth. (Generally all three)
Being unable to open my mouth - I mean, in the sense that my mouth is so clenched that I cannot open it. However odd that sounds. O.o
I don't know why. I have an ENFP mum, I should be able to. There are several incidents from the past though, all rather unfortunate, which I expect contributed to that. Now some part of my subconscious prevents me from talking about anything to do with myself.


Heh. So still finding ways to deal with it I guess.

[sriv]

When I get overcome by emotion I tell myself to shut up and stop being stupid. And it builds up and up until I am reduced to a near animal state. Then I take it out on myself, in some form or another, because I feel it is either that or doing something even more stupid, like making a flying leap through the nearest window. I turn any emotions in on myself. Introverted Feeling.

I physically cannot talk about my emotions in real life, though online it is far far easier (hey, I'm typing this!) I can't say the slightest thing about myself, whether it's particularly personal or not, without getting extremely dizzy or crying or being completely unable to open my mouth. (Generally all three)
Being unable to open my mouth - I mean, in the sense that my mouth is so clenched that I cannot open it. However odd that sounds. O.o
I don't know why. I have an ENFP mum, I should be able to. There are several incidents from the past though, all rather unfortunate, which I expect contributed to that. Now some part of my subconscious prevents me from talking about anything to do with myself.


Heh. So still finding ways to deal with it I guess.

We are very different people. I feel more and more alien whenever I hear other people's stories.

I can talk honestly about anything without the slightest emotional outbreak.
I can lie about anything without the slightest hint.
Being introverted, and valuing privacy, I prefer not to talk.

My emotion has been ignored for so long that it only affects me subconsciously in things like decision-making, debating, and morals. When dealing with large issues, I feel it moderately.

How do I more fully experience emotions? I do not even feel like I am consciously repressing it. It no longer comes naturally to me.

[EsoteriEccentri]

I can lie about anything. ^^ I lie automatically.
Yep, I can definitely lie. Sometimes it bothers me, but only if I feel I am unfairly deceiving someone else in a purely selfish way.

I prefer not to talk too, I definitely prefer that. I just wish that there was one person to talk to, which you probably wouldn't as you can talk easily if there ever happens to be a time that you want to.
But yes. I certainly prefer to not talk, what I want is to be able to talk when I need to, to just one person that I trust.

Only I am not able.

I guess for some F types, especially those with strong Fi, talking about feelings is a huge violation, it allows people to see all your weaknesses and allows them into areas where none but yourself may go.

[RoyalINTJ]

If you wanna develop/deal with your emotions you have to realize you ll be having "good" and "bad" emotions once you ll start to explore them...

The technique i am using is letting those emotions take control of you (well its a lil dangerous.. depends if you feel that your willpower is strong enough to not let you do something "stupid")... Once they have control over you... you must gain your control back.. (i am not sure if i am explaining this well enough...anyway feel free to ask more if interested)
So what happens is.. you do let those emotions out but you control them.. i must say the feeling is quiet good (at least for me) once i feel my body being taken over by those feelings of love,hate,anger,satisfaction,inner power etc (dont mind me and my "weird" emotions :D) anyway... well then i take control back... by calming down either its positive or negative emotions...
Your main weapon here is understanding how things work.. you dont have to understand how emotions (how they create in your body etc)... you just have to know what they do and what you can do in order to control them. You dont want to repress them and hide in some deep corner of your body... been there done that... didnt work so well :)

[TheBlindSage]

I think it's absolutely necessary to actually let the emotions out so we fully understand them, but conscious thought/intuition should be used to control them if expressing the emotions through action may cause a negative affect.
Of course, if the emotion leads to something positive, it should be let out in full force (unless it bothers you to do so, which it shouldn't, it is how you feel after all). Just up to you to decide what's positive.

Repressing emotions doesn't actually cause anything terribly bad, as long as you never truly understand what you're missing in understanding how you feel. I'd just rather understand more about myself though, I guess that's why I'm on this forum anyway. :P

One more thing though, the thinking on whether or not to express the emotion should be quick, or it may take so long that by the time it's done, the emotion is gone. So rely on intuition if you're taking way too long to think about whether or not to express the emotion.

[azelismia]

There is one type of emotion I haven't figured out how to deal with; In social situations I always Feel DIRTY trying to talk to people. Not dirty in a s3xual kind of way, just dirty.. When I am around people that I have some understanding of It's ok. I don't get that feeling. I think that it is N types I am ok around, but most people give me the feeling of having just walked thru a minefield in the simplest of conversations. I end up avoiding people because of it.

I am in procurement in a large upscale kitchen retailer ran by SJ women. I am ok if I can pretend they care about and think about the same things I do. ( which is how I tend to deal with it now) but now and again it comes out that they notice if your socks match, how expensive your shoes are and the cut of your hair. olive oil is lovely and truffle sea salts are divine. if you talk about the wrong things or the right things... they give you these inexplicable looks. you know you've said something wrong but are never quite sure of what it was. either that or you honestly have just sprung a second head from your shoulder who is signing various disney show tunes.

it's so draining to try and say appropriate things and be part of the group but fail miserably no matter what you do. I've tried all roads, saying what I think I should say, saying what I think I shouldn't say. a combination of the two. saying what's really on my mind and saying nothing at all... ( I am working on learning how to write code to escape this field of work) but even then you still end up in conversations with "normal" people now and again and I always end up with my tail between my legs. Then I go home.. and feel soiled...

[brooklyncs]

So, I can typically handle my own emotions well. I can't handle much emotion from other people. I have a close ENFP friend that just experienced a terrible trauma in her life, and I want to be there for her. Her emotions overwhelm me on a good day. It's like I've been squeezed and drained and as though the life is being sucked out of me. This is where I struggle. I love to take care of others, and when they're not overly emotional I can let mine out. When they are, I'm terribly uncomfortable and just want to retreat from them, wishing that they would just get over it. Not something that she's likely to get over soon, and I a terrible friend to be as impatient as I'm being to expect her to get over it.
Depressed people tend to irritate me because they won't just be done with it, and I know that I irritate them because I keep offering solutions that they believe themselves incapable of enacting. Is this where an INTJ would run, run away? Can I impersonate you?