Give an INFP some insight on INTJ relationships.

[iuniperus]

I’ve been dating this amazing INTJ (I’m a female INFP) and just wanted to know how many other INTJ/INFP relationships were out there.

One distinct thing I’ve noticed about my INTJ is that he has this way of thinking that I can not even begin to comprehend or rationalize. I think this is a good thing. He is pragmatic, rational, and not overly emotional. He tends to view the world through a perspective of distinct practicality. In being a whimsical INFP that has a tendency to get lost in her own thoughts, I appreciate his down to earth thinking immensely. I feel like he has this ability to pull me back into reality, to stabilize me.

Another thing I love is that he has an equal desire to be independent and have his own private time and space. The last thing I want is a codependent relationship and I think he feels the same way. We compliment each without having to be completely dependent on each other.

One of the few things that bothers me is that it’s impossible for me to tell what he’s thinking (is this common in INTJs?). Generally I can use my intuition and pick up facial expressions or tone of voice to gather someone’s general feelings or thoughts. He is a blank slate- I just can’t read him. This unnerves me at times because I have this constant desire to be reaffirmed (a annoying habit that I’m trying to suppress) with proclamations of love (as if he suddenly has changed his mind after a few days of not having them, it’s ridiculous), whether they be vocal or something I can pick up intuitively. He seems to pick up on my neediness and gives these gestures (of which I’m really gracious for) on a fairly consistent basis, but I know it’s not something that comes natural to him. The real problem with not being able to read him is that I don’t know what he wants and I wish he’d be more assertive in speaking his mind. This can be problem in a lot of ways because I don’t know if he actually wants to the particular thing or is just doing it to appease me. I don’t want to be appeased, I just want an equal relationship where both of our wants and desires are equally considered. How do I communicate this? Can any INTJs give me thoughts on this?

What can bother INTJs about INFPs?

Other than that minor problem I think our relationship is great. I have a deep admiration and respect for him. I appreciate his unique way of thinking and viewing the world, and I love his pragmatism. Neither of us feels obligated to “entertain” one another, we just simply enjoy each other’s company in of itself.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your response.

[sriv]

Reaffirmation is unnecesary to an INTJ. If you trust him, then there is no need to be reaffirmed.

INFPs are very lovable and hard to dislike as seen in the poor responses that came out of the "What you hate about INFP?" threads on MBTIc.
Do not expect too much connectivity/sacrafice from him, but you already know this. This is where the blank slate comes in. INTJs are very detached, most do not allow their minds to be read from their physical appearence. Personally, I had to learn body language and facial expressions and I still have to make a conscious effort to apply it. This unsettles some because they might think the INTJ is dishonest when he may just be private.

Classic J vs P issues can cause bother.
A strong P can create negative options.
J can cut off options too soon. Are there too many ideas? Then suggest a time to make the decision.
Js don't communicate well when angry. As deal nears completion, J thinks its a "done deal" and P hears options are still open even when they are not open.
The J may want to control a decision and then the P might become passive-aggressive and sabotage the result.
Deal can flip if P feels conclusion is reached too soon and options were cut-off. If the stress is too bad, the agreement won't hold.
As decision-making approaches the Js may try to take over and the P feels left out.
Ps drive for flexibility and Js want the environment set, organized and closure on the horizon. P hesitates from early commitment while the J wants to plan ahead.
Ps are stressed if the decision comes too soon and Js are stressed if the decision is put off.
If a deal is re-thought a J might react by saying "a deal is a deal" and then holding on to settlement, becoming angered if the deal is re-opened. Then there is a high probability the deal will fall apart.
The P can keep open and keep getting data and miss the deadlines.
Hints:
In working toward settlement the P should suggest options and the J move towards the agreeable decision.
Each might re-state the other's position.
They might try writing individual deals (incremental agreeing) and taking some issues off the table.
To get J to the table to start negotiations, a P might agree to complete negotiations within a certain time frame.
P wants some now and some later. The danger with P is they might come to the table too soon.
The P can remind the J not to get too rigid/inflexible.
P can keep things open and make more choice available.
The J can keep the negations from being too "loosey-goosey."
The P could try submitting options in advance to J so P knows they have been considered. J submits a time schedule to P so P can deal with deadlines.

- Somewhere

Classic T vs F issues can also get in the way. Try not to take things too personally and by no means get passive-aggressive (INFPs are susceptible to this).

These can be worked out if both sides are tolerant and understanding.

[Tenacious B]

The real problem with not being able to read him is that I don’t know what he wants and I wish he’d be more assertive in speaking his mind. This can be problem in a lot of ways because I don’t know if he actually wants to the particular thing or is just doing it to appease me. I don’t want to be appeased, I just want an equal relationship where both of our wants and desires are equally considered. How do I communicate this?
Ask him. Seriously, just flat out, plainly ask what he wants. You might be surprised by how open he might be. We tend to be detached, even to the point of being detached from ourselves. I've actually had conversations about myself that were fairly personal, but conducted in such a detached way that my personal issues became merely an academic exercise (like much of the content on this forum). Granted, most INTJs aren't going to do this with random people in person (I sure don't), but with a loved one you have a shot. The more upfront and direct you are with him the more he will be with you.

INTJs generally don't pick up on hints or make them ourselves. If I want something, or I want you to know something, I will tell you straight up. In my mind, if you don't say something to me, then it obviously is not something I should be concerned with because if it was you would have purposefully and clearly made it my concern.

As sriv, I too have become able to manufacture facial expressions, body language, and vocal tones that suit social protocol and my desired results (i.e. I want someone to know I appreciate what they have done, so I purposefully smile and use a bright, cheerful tone). I find it socially prudent to be able to give those feely/emotion reader types the material they are looking for. It is just another way to communicate with them, basically working within their system.

I've always found it interesting that you can get away with displaying every emotion almost regardless of appropriateness in a given situation, but the lack of emotional response stirs some sort of primal fear in people.

[Noehelia]

I am an INFP (or at least I believe so) having a relationship with an INTJ and it's going very well mainly because of his determination to work (I really like this trait of INTJ's).

I do not agree with this notion that I have seen been expressed many times here in the INTJ forum that all you can do is ask an INTJ what he is thinking and feeling and he will tell you as truthfully as he can. From my experience with my boyfriend (and I do not know any other INTJ in real life to compare) he is choosing what to tell me based on his own idea of what he wants to reveal, what he thinks I am ready to hear and what he is capable of actually understanding for himself. So I ask him and I try to understand what is going on from what he tells me filtered with my general knowledge of how humans work, his facial and body expressions (whether he feels awkward to answer or I sense that he is keeping something out from me), the circumstances, the views I have developed already about him, etc. I make my own judgments and I tell them to him, then from his reactions I try to understand if I hit a nail and so on.
In general we do not have much communication problems anymore because after almost two years being together we learned each other's little differences and adapted to them.

[knock7]

CuriousINFP:
Here are a few general tips....

1.) If he doesn't complain and keeps seeing you. He is happy. If you continually try to gauge the relationship on a daily basis that is annoying.
2.) If you are curious what he is thinking ask. He will likely be very open.
3.) If you want to convince him of something, emotional pleas will fail. You need to explain logically and get right to the point why or even just say "I want X."
4.) Be punctual.
5.) Don't assume he picks up on your queues. This isn't personal, he isn't getting it. You need to be as blunt as a hammer about what you want.

[blueback]

I think you're fighting a losing battle if you're trying to figure out how to please your INTJ. I think that because, as an INTJ, I'm very difficult to manipulate. You can get me to feel a certain way, I'm human after all, but it won't affect my actions the way it would with a normal person.

See, trying to make him feel anything at all, even pleased, is manipulation. You're trying to evoke emotions in him because emotions are what's important to you. To an INTJ, at least to me, emotions are about as important as stubbing my toe. Yeah, I know it happened, but if I have something important to do I'm going to ignore it. We live in our minds and our heart is just one of many advisors.

My suggestion is to stop worrying about how you can make him feel something. Either you are the sort of person who embodies the things he thinks he deserves in a significant other or you aren't. He is going to make that decision and if he decides that you don't measure up it won't matter how strongly you feel about him, or how strongly he might have felt about you at some point in the past. Relationships are always a bit of a gamble but with INTJs the stakes are higher. We don't play by the normal relationship rules. If he decides you aren't worth his time he'll just drop the relationship and won't feel much (if any) loyalty towards what you two had in the past. You won't be able to appeal to him emotionally and probably not logically.

Just focus on being the best person YOU can be. Be sure to talk to him about the practical, realistic steps you are taking to improve yourself. That, more than anything, will convince him you are worth his time.

[wolf]

If he continues to hang around you, he likes you. If he seems more distant than usual or avoids you, either you're doing something that troubles him or he may not feel as strongly about you anymore. Also look for signs that he's noticing things about you or making an effort to improve something in the relationship or himself for your sake, because we only do this for people we really care about.

[iuniperus]

Thanks for everyone’s input!

I think you're fighting a losing battle if you're trying to figure out how to please your INTJ. I think that because, as an INTJ, I'm very difficult to manipulate. You can get me to feel a certain way, I'm human after all, but it won't affect my actions the way it would with a normal person.

See, trying to make him feel anything at all, even pleased, is manipulation. You're trying to evoke emotions in him because emotions are what's important to you. To an INTJ, at least to me, emotions are about as important as stubbing my toe. Yeah, I know it happened, but if I have something important to do I'm going to ignore it. We live in our minds and our heart is just one of many advisors.

My suggestion is to stop worrying about how you can make him feel something. Either you are the sort of person who embodies the things he thinks he deserves in a significant other or you aren't. He is going to make that decision and if he decides that you don't measure up it won't matter how strongly you feel about him, or how strongly he might have felt about you at some point in the past. Relationships are always a bit of a gamble but with INTJs the stakes are higher. We don't play by the normal relationship rules. If he decides you aren't worth his time he'll just drop the relationship and won't feel much (if any) loyalty towards what you two had in the past. You won't be able to appeal to him emotionally and probably not logically.

Just focus on being the best person YOU can be. Be sure to talk to him about the practical, realistic steps you are taking to improve yourself. That, more than anything, will convince him you are worth his time.



Blueback,

Interesting points. Though I think you’re assuming that I’m unsure about his feelings in general. I know that he cares and finds me a worthy companion (as I do him, which is just as much as a compliment due to my idealist nature). I really don’t have any intentions of trying to evoke emotions that may or may not be there in the first place. I’m a very strong-willed and autonomous INFP; I don’t want anything from someone who doesn’t want to give it freely. To me, giving something out of mere obligation rather than the conscious desire to do so is an insult. I don’t want anybody doing me any favors, especially ones of the emotional sort.

Not being able to tell what he’s thinking becomes more of a problem on a day to day basis. I know he feels in general, but just not about those everyday things such as deciding what to eat, where to go, whether or not to have sex, etc. I think we really need some better communication. I realize being blunt is probably the way to go, but I’m a person who just doesn’t say things outright and if I’m indifferent to the matter I just let the other person decide. I tend to thrive on subtlety rather than blurting out every question that comes to mind.

It's actually refreshing to hear that INTJ are pretty decisive in figuring out whether a particular relationship will work for them or not. I don’t think anybody enjoys emotional games when it comes to relationships, it’s nice that at least someone can make it a bit more black and white. I’m not really trying to impress him or become his ideal, either he likes me the way I am, and if not, I wouldn’t want him making any exceptions or doing me any favors. The fact that he does have feelings for me proves that the love and respect from an INTJ means something a little different, and perhaps a little more, than other personality types.

[Tenacious B]

The daily questions you mentioned are the best kind of thing to ask openly, much easier for us to deal with than questions of love, relationships, and the like. Your daily questions can even be answered with one word, even better.

As far as deciding whether a relationship will work or not, sometimes (at least for me) that decision is made shortly after the initial meeting. I mean this in that I decide that I like or don't like them long before dating and relationships come up. We tend to analyze and judge things all the time, including people. Just getting past the initial yay or nay says that he is into you.



Just a note on manipulation, I can't speak for everyone here but I'd bet that quite a few agree:

Manipulation is terribly dishonest in my view and one of the worst tactics a person can employ when dealing with me. Once the attempted manipulation is detected, I lose all respect for the manipulator. I will often purposefully appose the manipulator's desired results just so they do not succeed in getting what they want from me, and have even done this to my own detriment (slightly, the detriment in my eyes was of little consequence, however the manipulator would disagree as would most people). Just thought you'd like to know or may find it helpful in understanding INTJ.

[md21017md]

See, trying to make him feel anything at all, even pleased, is manipulation.

Wow, never thought of this? So you mean if your loved one tries to "cheer you up" or make you happy you see that as manipulation?

[DrEast]

Wow, never thought of this? So you mean if your loved one tries to "cheer you up" or make you happy you see that as manipulation?

Yes, and this works both ways. Thus, when the INTJ tries to cheer up a loved one, the INTJ sees it in terms of manipulating that person into happiness. Or trying to manipulate someone else into loving them... that's INTJ "romance" by default. And it's all done according to plan, too. You can see why INTJ's tend to do poorly in this field, at least when it comes to forming stable long-term relationships.

All interpersonal interactions are manipulative, or not worth doing at all. (See INTJ aversion to "small talk," which is useless interpersonal interaction, but also non-manipulative.)

[ElstonGunn]

Wow, never thought of this? So you mean if your loved one tries to "cheer you up" or make you happy you see that as manipulation?

In the denotative sense, it definitely is. It's not necessarily bad in itself. Manipulation is merely exerting an influence over another person. Your intentions could be the best in the world, but I think that we (INTJs especially) tend to resent it when another person has power over our personal lives, whether they mean well or not. If we think that something is important, we have to make our own decisions about it, or else we'll become psychologically antsy and annoyed about it. In some cases, even if someone else makes the right decisions for us, we'll rebel against it and choose the wrong option, just so we know that we are in control of ourselves. It's just another version of the old "You're not the boss of me" line.

Or maybe that's just me.


Don't assume he picks up on your queues. This isn't personal, he isn't getting it. You need to be as blunt as a hammer about what you want.
I do not agree with this notion that I have seen been expressed many times here in the INTJ forum that all you can do is ask an INTJ what he is thinking and feeling and he will tell you as truthfully as he can. From my experience with my boyfriend (and I do not know any other INTJ in real life to compare) he is choosing what to tell me based on his own idea of what he wants to reveal, what he thinks I am ready to hear and what he is capable of actually understanding for himself.

If you ask us about something directly, there's a pretty good chance that you'll get a direct answer. If you wait for us to decipher your signals, or if you try to find our signals, there is next to no chance that you'll get a direct or punctual answer-- to say nothing of a correct one.

You are right though, Nohelia. When asked directly about something, I'll give the direct answer that I think is appropriate for the situation.

[DrEast]

You are right though, Nohelia. When asked directly about something, I'll give the direct answer that I think is appropriate for the situation.

It's important to note that ElstonGunn didn't say the TRUE answer. Even in answering questions we seek to maintain control in situations where it may be strategically more valuable to yield some control to the partner. This is not a reflex that comes easily.

Still, direct and penetrating questions will yield much better results with INTJ's than dancing around the issue, although some interpretative work will be required. (That "no" may well mean "yes but I'm scared," for instance. Check body language and look for inconsistencies.)

[curiousjane]

Hmmm. Interesting about "manipulation." I am surprised that "positive manipulation" would be a turn-off, since it is my understanding that many INTJs make calculated moves, even in relationships. Calculated moves could be interpreted as "manipulation." So, if they do it, how is it a turn-off for them? Isn't that hypocritical, another pet peeve of many INTJs?

However, I have often wondered about this idea on my own. I am extremely resistant to doing anything I have pre-meditated, for fear that following through on it would be too manipulative. I can be very good at manipulation, when I put my mind to it. I don't trust myself in this area! It has always been easy for me to frame a question or guide a conversation such that the other person "comes up with a great idea" that is actually mine all along. So, when I plan or craft something in advance, even to be careful of my wording, I feel a little guilty sometimes!

The thing is, sometimes, even in love, you have to have a plan of attack. Things that you do deliberately, in order to best present your message. For instance, planning in advance for an affectionate gesture, or to make somebody happy. This doesn't mean setting out to force a response or an emotion, but it can still be done with genuine care and best intentions. Hopefully those intentions are not misinterpreted as manipulation, when they are simply an indication of the interest and care of the other party.

Hope this makes sense. I am typing during a quick break during a very busy day at work.

[ElstonGunn]

Hmmm. Interesting about "manipulation." I am surprised that "positive manipulation" would be a turn-off, since it is my understanding that many INTJs make calculated moves, even in relationships. Calculated moves could be interpreted as "manipulation." So, if they do it, how is it a turn-off for them? Isn't that hypocritical, another pet peeve of many INTJs?

It's not always a bad thing. I've noticed that certain people put me into a better mood if I'm angry or frustrated about things, and I'll often try to be around those people when I'm in those moods. Cheering somebody up is a form of "positive manipulation," but I'm aware of it, and in fact, I'm even seeking it out and provoking it in situations like that. I've consented to it.

It's when I get the sense that someone else is trying to manipulate me without my consent that I get angry. The problems about that for me are that, One, I sometimes see manipulation where it doesn't necessarily exist, and Two, I hate receiving help, i.e., "positive manipulation."

[curiousjane]

It's not always a bad thing.

...

It's when I get the sense that someone else is trying to manipulate me without my consent that I get angry. The problems about that for me are that, One, I sometimes see manipulation where it doesn't necessarily exist, and Two, I hate receiving help, i.e., "positive manipulation."

Could you give an example to help clarify this? For instance, would receiving a gift that required both time and/or thought on the giver's part (i.e. something handmade or an item that you had expressed interest in) be considered manipulative?

Is intentional affirmation manipulative?

Is seeking somebody out to smile and make eye contact—on purpose, to show interest, flirting, or happiness—manipulative?

[DrEast]

Is seeking somebody out to smile and make eye contact—on purpose, to show interest, flirting, or happiness—manipulative?

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!" -> "DIE, SPAWN OF THE DEVIL!"

I really liked Office Space.

[curiousjane]

"Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays!" -> "DIE, SPAWN OF THE DEVIL!"

I really liked Office Space.

:laugh:

Actually, it's the Mwuuunnnndayyyyssss. ;)

But yeah, that was terrible!

[ElstonGunn]

Could you give an example to help clarify this? For instance, would receiving a gift that required both time and/or thought on the giver's part (i.e. something handmade or an item that you had expressed interest in) be considered manipulative?

Yes. The bigger the gift is, the more likely it is to be manipulative. Compare these two situations: 1: "Hey, I was out at the store earlier, and when I was in the checkout line, I saw that they had some of those candies that you like, so I went ahead and dropped the 89 cents and got you a box of them." And 2: "I remember that you said you wanted a new, bigass, expensive thingamajig about six months ago, so I remembered that, and then took out a big loan and/or sold a kidney so I could buy it for you."

For one thing, I hate having a fuss made over me, maybe because it makes me seem more like a project and less like a human being. Also, the second situation sets a precedent that I'm not especially likely to be able to meet-- namely, finding good gifts. But most importantly, the considerate gifts send the message that material things serve as the quantifiable barometer of a relationship's status. To me, it seems to imply, "Hey, check this out. See how much effort I put into this? I think you kinda owe me something in return, don't you?"

Whether or not you come to the same conclusion as I did, I think you'd have to admit that my conclusion (which could be wrong) is manipulation. I mean, if I said two plus two equals five, you couldn't deny that the answer I came to is an odd number, even if it's an incorrect answer.


Is intentional affirmation manipulative?

Yes, but that's not the thing that bothers me about it. I do appreciate the effort that goes into it, though.


Is seeking somebody out to smile and make eye contact—on purpose, to show interest, flirting, or happiness—manipulative?

How is it not manipulative? Aren't these things small steps taken toward the larger end goal of influencing my thoughts? How is this all that different from seduction? Flirtation is mild seduction, and cheering someone up is platonic, altruistic seduction.

However, this is a definite case of where the intention of the manipulator isn't the thing that bothers me. The intention is good, I see that and appreciate it. I just tend to dig my heels in as soon as someone starts to push me, even if they're pushing me out of a burning building or out of the path of oncoming traffic, so to speak.

[changos]

Tenacious B (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) I totally agree with your lines about manipulation, I loose respect...

Things happen in a natural way, thats ok.
Wanting somebody to FEEL something is like implantation... a desire to manifest control over the other one... it can be considered manipulation, the need to control.Perhaps too hard to explain for me but people seem to feel frustrated trying to make us INTJS feel something or to take an specific response. Wee feel, thats a fact, let it be natural, pay attention, listen. We talk and we are very coherent.

[curiousjane]

I don’t think anybody enjoys emotional games when it comes to relationships, it’s nice that at least someone can make it a bit more black and white.

Bingo.

Your topic has hit home with me (obviously). But playing games is something I've vowed not to do. Thanks for stating this so well.

Unfortunately, my own situation is such that it requires me to be a little more intentional, a little more "out there" with my gestures, because otherwise they won't get picked up on. That's all I can say right now.

I guess I just think I've been reading conflicting advice that everyone has given you and other INFPs on this board who are in a similar boat (myself included). On the one hand, "Be direct," "Ask questions," "Be yourself." On the other hand, as shown on this thread, "Don't go out of your way to be nice ... that's immediately suspicious," "Don't give gifts that seem like they took effort ... that's a ploy."

If those things are games, and we don't want to play, it seems we're left with some pretty weak options for expressing interest in a way that is both natural and direct.

:huh:

[md21017md]

Or trying to manipulate someone else into loving them... that's INTJ "romance" by default. And it's all done according to plan, too.

I can definately see this with my g/f. I saw her, while trying to figure out an opening line, she approached me. By the second date, looking back, I can see that she had a project, and that seems how she pursued things until we were a couple. I guess the attention was nice in the beginning, but is not there as much now. I do love the fact that she is not controlling, doesn't want to be controlled, but I have to even keep the "good" controlling in miind. Presents also, she's not much on that. And damn, I had to take her on a trip for her birthday.

[iuniperus]

For one thing, I hate having a fuss made over me, maybe because it makes me seem more like a project and less like a human being. Also, the second situation sets a precedent that I'm not especially likely to be able to meet-- namely, finding good gifts. But most importantly, the considerate gifts send the message that material things serve as the quantifiable barometer of a relationship's status. To me, it seems to imply, "Hey, check this out. See how much effort I put into this? I think you kinda owe me something in return, don't you?"

One thing I notice about INTJs is that they have a tendency to see the world more black and white than others do when it comes relating to other people. It's much more important to look at the intention and the context of the gift rather than the end result. You’re right in that gifts do come with an obligation of eventual reciprocity. This isn’t something that can’t be avoided; it’s just the process of having a relationship with another human being, you give and take and repeat. In order to have a healthy relationship this give-and-take cycle will repeat continuously until the relationship comes to an end. It’s just one of those nasty facts of life- there’s never no strings attached when it comes to human relations.

I hate being made a fuss of probably as much as any INTJ, it’s just for different reasons. I dislike it because it makes me feel guilty rather than the fear of obligation. Unfortunately we all have to grin and bear it.

[demaugustus]

My father is an INTJ and my mother is an INFP. They've been married for 24 years. They were divorced for a year because they neglected each others needs after raising me and my sister for 20 years, which is common of many couples of all personality types. Once they had a "year off" from one anther, started dating again, rekindled their passion, and got remarried, things have been great for them.

...But this is all I can say about them because I'm their son and have limited understanding of them as a 23 year old.

[seahorse]

I am also an INFP dating an INTJ. We've had a lot of problems in the past due to personality differences, mainly a strong T clashing with a strong F, but I think we've evened out over time.
It seems that INTJs are supposed to be very intent on making their relationships "optimal" or simply on making them better, but mine doesn't seem to want to do that, or maybe in his mind there is no need to.
We are relatively young (college age) and neither one of us has had much prior dating experience, which is why I think he is not as decisive or surefooted about his relationship with me. He is afraid of the idea of commitment even though he is currently participating in a serious relationship with me because he isn't sure if I am "really the best choice" for him since he doesn't know what's out there. But he also does not want to take a break or end the relationship. I feel ambivalent about this issue.
With displays of affection, he is much better in person than he is over a long-distance relationship. Like many INTJs, he is horrible at emotional language and does not know what to do when I feel hurt or need sympathy.
Other than that, we love being around each other (when we do see each other) and get along wonderfully.

What can bother INTJs about INFPs?
Mainly irrationality and mawkishness. Seeming like we're on a cloud all the time.

What bothers me about my INTJ is his insensitivity. He can be a real jerk. Luckily, it does not happen often.

[Aronnax]

Wow, never thought of this? So you mean if your loved one tries to "cheer you up" or make you happy you see that as manipulation?

Of course they're trying to manipulate me but I don't care about manipulation as much as intent. There's a huge difference between trying to cheer me up because they care about me and trying to cheer me up because they want something.

I usually only refer to the second case as manipulation to simplify my explanation to others. Manipulation has a lot of negative connotations and explaining how trying to make me feel good, even with good intentions, is manipulation but I'm ok with that is way too much work (accidentally hurting their feelings, then trying to explain, then ending up in a fight...).

[Thucydides]

I've been told by girls that I'm hard to read. Talk to him about it, explaining why it matters to you, and you'll probably get what you need from him.