INFP+INTJ attraction: can it work? (please help)

[theatresk8]

Just wondering because; I have this EXTREMELY attractive intj friend. He only seems attracted to me when I'm more extroverted, which is not at all impossible but indeed not the norm for me --granted I also don't know him very well at all..but before I make a move I was just wondering about the compatability status of an intj/infp..or if its natural or possible; I had researched a little bit on my own and unfortunately my findings weren't at all gratifying - aka - some articles said it wouldn't work/wasn't likely.. I know its hard to pigeonhole people and/or relationships, (and I don't really like to either at all) but I need help because being around him is a tad akward at times....I'm just not sure if its possible for an intj and infp to work! I was wondering if anyone had any advice about how to approach this, because after all, he is GORGEOUS :lovestruck: Any advice at all from either infp's or intj's or whoever you are would be great--thanks so much!

[lordrrr]

I would totally do an INFP if I had the chance. I freaking love INFP's.


I really can't speak for him though, but if your more introverted in one on one situations and more extroverted in more social situations (parties, etc.), I think he would appreciate that a lot. I would definantly prefer that for an XNFP, you can use that X ability to your advantage to help satisfy my social preferences (one on one quiet and powerful, social gatherings I'll use you as a crutch).


Can you disclose more on the relationship so I can see if it will work?

[azelismia]

Infp's and intj's can get a long quite well. I think it's a fairly solid match.

[Uberfuhrer]

Judging by how many INFPs are frequenting these boards, I'd say yes, it can work.

[antisocial one]

I am probably last guy that should give any advices in this area but I will try.

Personaly I think that reationship between ALL types are possible if both sides really give it a try.
So I dont see reason why two people cant have relationship especially if they share I and N.

Also I must ask how do you know he is INTJ?

It will be smart to check how strong is his J. Because stronger J will surely dislike when you late for 20 minutes or get lost in something.
Dont be depressive INTJ hate that and I think that INFP have good chance to be like that.He will also certainly value self confidence alot because we have problem whit people who dont have it and they are looking for comfort.
All other emotions are ok as long that emotions are not too expressed.
INTJs usually enjoy intelectual conversations so be prepared for them.


Whit more information I could go deeper.

[curiousjane]

Judging by how many INFPs are frequenting these boards, I'd say yes, it can work.

Judging from how many INFPs are frequenting these boards, I'd say yes, they WANT it to work.

At least, I do.:thumbsup:

I keep hearing good things from the nice resident INTJs, so I'm hopeful. If my favorite INTJ would make up his mind, I could tell you for sure.

I'm rooting for you!

[Jgib5328]

I wouldn't look too deeply into type theory, if you want to date him, then date him. Are you compatible with him as an individual? If so, then go for it, what do you have to lose?

[TheLastMohican]

It appears that INTJ's get along swimmingly with INFP's, at least in these forums. I'm not sure how it would go in regular life when they are living in close proximity (I think antisocial one has a point there about punctuality, albeit a relatively minor one), but at least they make great conversation together. I think the main attraction is probably the humor; INTJ's tend towards darker, more morbid humor, but value some light, zany humor on a regular basis to lighten the mood and give a change of pace.

I wonder if the INFP's understand the darker side of INTJ humor? Does anyone know?

[azelismia]

It appears that INTJ's get along swimmingly with INFP's, at least in these forums. I'm not sure how it would go in regular life when they are living in close proximity (I think antisocial one has a point there about punctuality, albeit a relatively minor one), but at least they make great conversation together. I think the main attraction is probably the humor; INTJ's tend towards darker, more morbid humor, but value some light, zany humor on a regular basis to lighten the mood and give a change of pace.

I wonder if the INFP's understand the darker side of INTJ humor? Does anyone know?

I've dated some infp men with very dark humour. I think it's a male thing rather than an INTJ thing. My humour doesn't tend to be all that black, a bit grey at worst.

[TheLastMohican]

I've dated some infp men with very dark humour. I think it's a male thing rather than an INTJ thing. My humour doesn't tend to be all that black, a bit grey at worst.

It is a male thing, but I think it is definitely more dependent on type, and INTJ's have some of the darkest humor in the spectrum. INTJ females have plenty to say on the subject, in my experience.

[Scantilyclad]

I have an INTJ boyfriend, and i have for the last year and a half, we get along quite well. He can be an annoying,cold,arrogant, heartless bastard, but i think we compliment each other. :)

[curiousjane]

theatresk8, is your attraction purely physical? What other good qualities does he have? I ask this because, while I am sure your INTJ will enjoy knowing you find him so hot, he'll probably be more satisfied with knowing it is his mind or ideas that you like so much.

[hongi]

My better half is an INFP . . . 23 years now.

It can work out . . . be prepared for the ups and downs . . . especially when you are both down and out at the same time . . . the gloves can come off without knowing it.

On the brighter side, best relationship I can think of ever having.

Good luck.

[paradoxes]

INFP's are actually by far my favorite type. I think the INTJ-INFP relationship has the potential to be the most intense match, but this also comes with the risk of going up in flames. If you want to get him interested, just spend time getting to know him, talk about intellectual matters and dark/quirky humor (as others have mentioned)...let him know that you respect him for his unique perspective on the world.

[curiousjane]

INFP's are actually by far my favorite type. I think the INTJ-INFP relationship has the potential to be the most intense match, but this also comes with the risk of going up in flames.

Everything I know certainly points in this direction. I think it is because both types feel deeply and tend to take a loooonnnnng time in getting comfortable with each new stage of a relationship. If you aren't determined enough, one or the other can get discouraged.

What I've found on this forum is an undertone of longing for meaningful connections between people. INFPs have this same desire. We will work tirelessly at fostering a deep bond in ways many people do not understand. Once we find somebody to care for, we want them to feel comfortable just being themselves, with no pretenses, and no need to impress. We seek to understand and be understood. We desire completely open communication. Though we sometimes need time to think things over before replying to a question or request from our significant others, we will always be careful to reply honestly and without guile. We respect conflict resolution. We crave companionship. We like to snuggle. A word, or look, or brief touch can keep us happy for hours.

We need our down time. We need our alone time. We need respect and admiration. We need emotional honesty. We need the freedom to be totally and completely goofy, silly, or whimsical as needed.

I think, from what I've seen here, that INTJs are very similar ... just not as "out there" in their needs. It's even deeper still, for you guys. Lurking under the surface ... coming out in cynicism and oddball humor and intense imagination.

And, when it is all said and done, we are both freakishly autonomous. We need to be independent. Our identities depend on it. We feel "lost" if somebody else encroaches or projects their own ideals upon our definition of self, or is needy to the point of clingyness. The biggest problem with that is that INTJs don't really seem to need anybody ... EVER. INFPs know they need somebody ... USUALLY. We just don't need as many somebodies as others do. I'm good with 3-4 amazingly good friends. I would like to add ONE guy to that number. ONE guy to let my into my heart and be the recipient of all that emotional tangle inside that I refuse to let show to the world because it is too precious. That seems to be the part where INTJs and INFPs go down in flames. Many (not all) INTJs that I've read about in situations like that back off in alarm. They can't be needed by somebody at that level. They can't be wanted by somebody at that level. I'm not sure why. Vulnerability, perhaps?

I guess the real problem is that us INFPs have this ideal of "the one" that will fulfill us body, mind, and soul ... and, well, that's a bunch of BS. Doesn't keep us from dreaming about it, though!:lovestruck:

[punkyplatypus]

"EXTREMELY attractive"
"GORGEOUS"
"I also don't know him very well at all"

I don't mean to be too forward about this, but it sounds like you're lusting after the guy. Which there's nothing wrong with that; there are plenty of INTJs looking for a sexual lovin'. Of course if you're looking for a serious relationship, I'd say you'd have to get to know the guy and let him get to know you. There's no way around that. You can study his and your personality types all you want, but you'll never know what can really happen until you experiment. Personally, I think any type can work with any other type. With every relationship there is give & take, and as long as both partners understand & agree with their roles in the relationship things should work out. As an INTJs partner, you should be ready for blunt criticism, sarcasm, thought provoking discussion, alone time, arguments, and lack of emotional connection.

If you're just looking for an easy answer for whether or not you should pursue the relastionship, I say go for it.

[curiousjane]

"EXTREMELY attractive"
"GORGEOUS"
"I also don't know him very well at all"

I don't mean to be too forward about this, but it sounds like you're lusting after the guy.

Ditto.

Like I've mentioned before ... what ELSE do you like about him? And does he know about either attraction?

[DrEast]

General disadvantages to an INFP-INTJ relationship, INTJ perspective:

1) P. Will never get around to actually doing anything, or so it will seem. This applies to housework (a general "it'll still be there in ten minutes" attitude), and can seriously irritate the J. INFP's can be slobs. P's also come up with some of the most indirect ways of doing things you'll ever find.

2) "I love you" junkies. INFP's need to be told constantly that they are loved. They don't trust people to keep loving them in absence of direct confirmation. A statement of affection that'll keep an INTJ going for months will have the INFP hungry for more in about ten minutes. You know how repetition annoys you? This can cause conflicts.

3) NT-NF "vicious cycle." Just when you're at your most relaxed and happy, he'll suddenly ask why you're so distant these days.

None of these are insurmountable, of course, but they're worth thinking about going in. And no offense to the INFP's in these boards, of course: We INTJ's have our own problems. ("What, you didn't realize I was crazy about you?")

[theatresk8]

GREAT stuff! And in response to the lusting postulate; we know each other fairly well-- when I say I don't know him well at all, I mean that we have only had a few 1 on 1 conversations, (which went down well). The only problem I've come across is that we mostly hang out with other crazy college kids, so when we do talk I feel like we're in the spotlight all the time and I have to be the most entertaining/wild to get attention. And most of my work is involved with theatre, so when I hang out with friends I'm so used to relaxing and NOT being in the spotlight, that its akward for me to be the center of attention in real-life crowd. Its really wierd to explain/make people understand, you almost have to be a performer to know what I'm talking about-- but that's pretty much the only problem I've come across so far..we're VERY different in terms of academic pursuits; he's a scientist and I'm an actor. But I love science, actually, and philosophy; that's one of the major reasons I'm attracted to him. It'd be nice to know, from an INTJ's perspective..what motivates you into becoming interested in a girl on a romantic level without a girl being completely blunt. Not that I mind being completely blunt, but I know him well enough to know that being completely outright about it would scare him off-- NOT that I want to act a certain way to please--I'm actually only asking this so that I don't turn him off. Also, I ask a lot of questions from people and take a genuine interest in their PERSONAL lives (haha). But that's just me, and he's totally not used to it. So I'm basically asking what qualities INTJ's think are attractive, and again, only so that I know I'm not wrong in being attracted to him; It could very well be only lust :thinking: .

And he has been traveling a lot lately, so if it looks like I'm reading waaaaaay too much into this instead of just hanging out with the guy and discovering these types of things on my own, its because he has a life and I don't (haha). Not really. Its more like he has a job and I currently don't ;) .

But I REALLY appreciate these responses--they're very helpful! :thumbsup:

[TheLastMohican]

It'd be nice to know, from an INTJ's perspective..what motivates you into becoming interested in a girl on a romantic level without a girl being completely blunt.

Here you go:

To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

[theatresk8]

haha yes, thank you. And anyone is free to add any other..insights :P

[curiousjane]

Unfortunately, theatresk8, "completely blunt" is the only form of communication most INTJs can process adequately.

Not that I don't love my INTJ friends here and all ... but it has been said (on this forum and others!) that indicating interest to one requires the verbal equivalent of a brick hurled with Herculean force between his/her eyes.

[azelismia]

be yourself. either he will like you or he will not. If you trick him into liking you it's only going to piss him off later when he discovers that he's been deceived and it won't work out anyway.

[Erika Redmark]

If not blunt, at least clear. When my INFP boyfriend and I were getting to know each other, sometimes I'd wonder if particular things he did were out of romantic interest or just being friendly…I wanted to reciprocate, but it was sort of difficult since I wasn't sure what his motivation was. As we got to know each other better, this became less of a problem, but part of the reason for that was that he was clear about it (mostly through his behaviour, leading to my finally catching on/being sure about it, but also verbally, and that was good). If he'd been as inhibited and nervous as I was, nothing would have happened and I would probably think of him now as the most recent in a series of people I've had unrequited and/or unnoticed feelings for.

[DrEast]

I was amazed, when I got out of high school, how many of my crushes had reciprocated, but their subtle hints had been thoroughly missed. I could have had a much more active dating life (read: a dating life).

That said, with that information in hand I did much better in college.

[sriv]

Unfortunately, theatresk8, "completely blunt" is the only form of communication most INTJs can process adequately.


That is not unfortunate. That just means the INTJ is being honest. If an INTJ starts sweet talking to you on the other hand, the INTJ is way too well developed and is obviously twisting you for his own sociopathic benefits.

[DrEast]

That is not unfortunate. That just means the INTJ is being honest. If an INTJ starts sweet talking to you on the other hand, the INTJ is way too well developed and is obviously twisting you for his own sociopathic benefits.

This... is a good point. Any INTJ sweet-talking someone they are not already in a relationship with is probably applying known technique to a system to obtain an end from that system, objectifying the individual for their own pleasure, which is a form of unethical behavior.

[curiousjane]

Hmmmm.

So, an INTJ who tries to sell you on how difficult he is to get along with, mentions it takes awhile for him to open up emotionally, and seems to carefully avoid "sweet talk" in the beginning of a relationship ... is more to be trusted?

That is my impression. I am trying to clarify this point made by sriv and DrEast.

[sriv]

This... is a good point. Any INTJ sweet-talking someone they are not already in a relationship with is probably applying known technique to a system to obtain an end from that system, objectifying the individual for their own pleasure, which is a form of unethical behavior.

Hell...that is what I would do if I had the communicative charm! Of course without the objectifying the individual for their own pleasure. ABsolutely not.

Jane: Stereotypically, yes. It is possible that an INTJ who knows what he is doing could guilt trip another with the "sad" tale. Overuse of "released Fi" could be a giveaway.

[TheLastMohican]

This... is a good point. Any INTJ sweet-talking someone they are not already in a relationship with is probably applying known technique to a system to obtain an end from that system, objectifying the individual for their own pleasure, which is a form of unethical behavior.

...Or the INTJ is being sarcastic, and wondering how the object of the "sweet-talking" is possibly taking it seriously.

[DrEast]

...Or the INTJ is being sarcastic, and wondering how the object of the "sweet-talking" is possibly taking it seriously.

In that case, though, the odds are good that the deception will be quickly revealed.

[TheLastMohican]

In that case, though, the odds are good that the deception will be quickly revealed.

True...and all is well. :thumbsup:

Now I'll go out on a limb and theorize about something I know nothing about: If I was actually in love with someone, I might warm up to the person quite rapidly if the person was showing interest in me as well. I'm not exactly sure what would count as "sweet talk," but I think I would be more friendly to that person than I normally would be to others, to the point of doing extra favors, going out of my way for the person's benefit, etc.

So does that have any affect whatsoever on what you were talking about? :huh:

[DrEast]

I've noticed that behavioral changes in myself are blindingly obvious when I feel affection or love for another individual. Blindingly obvious to me, that is. And, thus, assumed to be blindingly obvious to everyone.

This is, in fact, not the case.

Thus, a Public Service Announcement to all females: If an INTJ seems like a nice person to you, try to observe him while remaining unobserved among other individuals (friends of his own gender). If he does not perform the same niceties to them as a group that he does to groups that include you, he is interested in you! He'll extend the same niceness to everyone in a desperate attempt to keep it from being obvious that he just really wants to be nice to you, and then wonder why his attraction to you isn't obvious.

[theatresk8]

He's very stoic most of the time, and when he's around me he's more expressive. I don't know if he's aware of that, though..probably because I come across as more bluntly attracted to him than I myself realize. But no, I hate sweet talking and I'm pretty sure most girls hate it, so, that definitely won't be a problem.





theatresk8 added to this post, 11 minutes and 55 seconds later...

But he does the niceties thing sometimes...if I understand you correctly

[Lilo]

Hmmmm.

So, an INTJ who tries to sell you on how difficult he is to get along with, mentions it takes awhile for him to open up emotionally, and seems to carefully avoid "sweet talk" in the beginning of a relationship ... is more to be trusted?

That is my impression. I am trying to clarify this point made by sriv and DrEast.

It would be foolish of you to trust someone who has not yet opened up to you whether they are genuinely apprehensive or just using a skillful tactic. Only time and effort should determine if a any person should be trusted or not.

[curiousjane]

It would be foolish of you to trust someone who has not yet opened up to you whether they are genuinely apprehensive or just using a skillful tactic. Only time and effort should determine if a any person should be trusted or not.

Though I was drawing upon past experience for the formation of the question, I was not talking about me specifically, or a specific INTJ, but rather, trying to distinguish between sriv and DrEast's definitions of "smooth talking" vs. "honesty."

I agree it takes time to develop trust.

[sriv]

sriv and DrEast's definitions of "smooth talking" vs. "honesty."

There is a difference. Honest F's tend to smoothen their speech because they assume the other might take offense if their speech is not smooth, JUST as they would. Honest T's do the opposite and completely disregard feeling from the equation expecting the person to take their word in a detached manner, JUST as they would. It is a question of perspective and treating another as you would treat yourself.

This is assuming that the F and the T are extreme.

[DrEast]

Though I was drawing upon past experience for the formation of the question, I was not talking about me specifically, or a specific INTJ, but rather, trying to distinguish between sriv and DrEast's definitions of "smooth talking" vs. "honesty."

I agree it takes time to develop trust.

By "smooth talk" I would pretty much mean "schmooze", although I guess that's all open to interpretation.

Bah. I hate interacting with people. The need to interpret every action and word through other people's lenses is so foreign to a T. Why can't you people just read my mind?

[Uberfuhrer]

I have an INTJ boyfriend, and i have for the last year and a half, we get along quite well. He can be an annoying,cold,arrogant, heartless bastard, but i think we compliment each other. :)

Is his humor dark, too?

[xwalka]

The biggest problem with that is that INTJs don't really seem to need anybody ... EVER. INFPs know they need somebody ... USUALLY. We just don't need as many somebodies as others do. I'm good with 3-4 amazingly good friends. I would like to add ONE guy to that number. ONE guy to let my into my heart and be the recipient of all that emotional tangle inside that I refuse to let show to the world because it is too precious. That seems to be the part where INTJs and INFPs go down in flames. Many (not all) INTJs that I've read about in situations like that back off in alarm. They can't be needed by somebody at that level. They can't be wanted by somebody at that level. I'm not sure why. Vulnerability, perhaps?

Astute observation. I think that part of this is that an INTJ actually wants an equal relationship. If you obviously need them more than they need you, it doesn't seem equal at all. Also, they don't want the responsibility of constantly keeping someone else afloat; it's exhausting, and the prospect of failure is terrifying.

Also, try not to ask an INTJ how they feel; they hate that. Much better to ask them what they think; this will often lead them to telling you what it is you really wanted to know with the former question while actually asking the former may get you a panicked canned response. Be prepared to wait after asking what they think. This pause is them actually thinking and reasoning out the true answer to your question and should be taken as a compliment; it means they value you enough to be absolutely sure their answer is the truth. Even if you asked if the sky was blue, they would ponder carefully before answering. Most INTJ's who just read that last sentence are likely considering quite valid arguments that the sky is in fact not blue.

[TheLastMohican]

Even if you asked if the sky was blue, they would ponder carefully before answering. Most INTJ's who just read that last sentence are likely considering quite valid arguments that the sky is in fact not blue.

Indeed, the sky is not blue; it only looks that way to us, and it is rather a mirage. The sky as it is made of air, is clear. It looks blue because of the filtration of the sunlight through the air, not the reflection of the light off the air.

Ozone does have a bluish tinge, but that it negligible and does not significantly contribute to the blue appearance of the sky.

Exactly the same cause applies to the blue appearance of water. Water is really clear, but when light is shone through large quantities, the blue rays are reflected out while the red rays are more likely to move through undisturbed. This also causes the reddish appearance of sunsets.

(Why on earth did you bother reading this?)

[catd]

I have a long time INTP friend. I love him to death but a romantic relationship? NO WAY. He is WAY too needy and he never DOES anything.

[xwalka]

Indeed, the sky is not blue; it only looks that way to us, and it is rather a mirage. The sky as it is made of air, is clear. It looks blue because of the filtration of the sunlight through the air, not the reflection of the light off the air.


Ah, but what is color but filtrated sunlight? Partial reflection, after all, is a form of filtration. Actually, I used the word valid, in part, because of some of these very points. I can think of many good reasons for saying the sky is not blue, probably more than for saying it is.

[TheLastMohican]

Ah, but what is color but filtrated sunlight? Partial reflection, after all, is a form of filtration. Actually, I used the word valid, in part, because of some of these very points. I can think of many good reasons for saying the sky is not blue, probably more than for saying it is.

Note how I differentiated off from through. For true color, the size does not matter (unless on the molecular level). For air and water, it does, because you need a whole lot of it before it looks blue.

You can also see what I mean by adding a small amount of milk to a glass of water. The water then looks slightly blue, where it was once clear.

Color is determined by what a substance absorbs versus what it reflects. In the sky, you are seeing refraction. The different color wavelengths move ever so slightly differently from each other, and in large bodies of fluid, you can actually see the effect of the separation. It is a gradual effect, and an indirect way of seeing a color, where there is no true color.





TheLastMohican added to this post, 74 minutes and 36 seconds later...

It just occurred to me that we are very off-topic here...and many are probably laughing at us...

[Erika Redmark]

But one could say, what is colour but perception?

[TheLastMohican]

But one could say, what is colour but perception?

The way you see color is perception. But color is a definite physical property as well.

What does any of this have to do with INFP's?

[curiousjane]

The way you see color is perception. But color is a definite physical property as well.

What does any of this have to do with INFP's?

I know! I know!

The way you see us is your perception. What we are does not change, but what you SEE might ... therein lies the mystery. It is all perception, young grasshopper.

This works vice versa. Like the new INFP attraction thread, it becomes apparent that how we see you ("you" being "INTJs") is shaped by perception. I just wish my percepting abilities were better. (Ha! And *I'm* the PERCEIVER not the JUDGER!). It would be nice to look at my favorite INTJ, search his face for clues, listen to his words, the inflection of his voice, and realize, "a-ha! He has mentioned this topic before. It is obviously important to him. He is sharing it with me. Therefore, he thinks I am important enough to discuss such an important topic with. I have made it into the 9th level of the 100 fortresses of his heart. With time, I will be in the 31st level, and dangerously close to taking up permanent residence," instead of, "Shoot. We've been talking for hours. When is he going to realize if he just broke down and tried to discuss where our friendship was heading, I'd be open to dating him? And, for that matter, when is he just going to kiss me, already?"

Silly INTJs. We INFPs need space, too. We are reserved with our emotions, too. We are scared of commitment, too. We have extremely high ideals for our significant others, too. You don't have to explain all that to us. We already like you. We're risking our hearts by opening up to you. We're risking out dignity by reaching out and touching your arm, or leaning close and whispering in your ear. We're looking into your eyes and trying to will you into seeing the affection we carry inside. Your mind is irresistible to us. Your confidence is a magnet. Your creativity and child-like wonder at it all matches our own whimsical nature. We could be your perfect, affectionate, yet non-clingy match, if you would just let us be.

So, yes, we already know these things. We know what you need. We've studied up on you. You are our favorite topic. We'd just like to put our knowledge into practice now, please. We don't need lectures on how hard it is to date you. We are fully aware of that already, thank you very much!

You just need to give us a little credit. A little respect. A little encouragement. A little admiration. A little affection. And a lot of determination to work through all the difficult communication spots along the way.

We'll take it from there. :lovestruck:

See? Perception. That's where it's at. So, how do you perceive us, now?

[TheLastMohican]

^ If you're looking for advice about your "favorite INTJ," why not start a thread on it like so many others? You know we just a have a ready basket of advice sitting here...so tell us more about this guy, and his cues and such, and we'll shoot back our thoughts.





TheLastMohican added to this post, 16 minutes and 51 seconds later...

I know! I know!

The way you see us is your perception. What we are does not change, but what you SEE might ... therein lies the mystery. It is all perception, young grasshopper.

Your wisdom overwhelmes me, master...:scholar:

Silly INTJs. We INFPs need space, too...

Wow. Your description sounds pretty fascinating; it makes me want to date an INFP.
(And I'm not even interested in dating, but it sounds like INFP's are very interesting to be around.)

See? Perception. That's where it's at. So, how do you perceive us, now?

Something else. I'm not quite sure yet.

[curiousjane]

*looks around shyly*

Well, I don't want to hijack this thread and go off-topic, but ... I've considered it, TLM. Maybe sometime I will. I guess I'm just nervous about revealing too much (the details of our strange story are easily identifiable), since I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up here one day on his own, and I would not want to betray trust in any way.

In the meantime, reading about other's situations helps me understand my own better, and I can contribute advice based on my own experience.

[Daimon]

I know! I know!

Silly INTJs. We INFPs need space, too. We are reserved with our emotions, too. We are scared of commitment, too. We have extremely high ideals for our significant others, too. You don't have to explain all that to us. We already like you. We're risking our hearts by opening up to you. We're risking out dignity by reaching out and touching your arm, or leaning close and whispering in your ear. We're looking into your eyes and trying to will you into seeing the affection we carry inside. Your mind is irresistible to us. Your confidence is a magnet. Your creativity and child-like wonder at it all matches our own whimsical nature. We could be your perfect, affectionate, yet non-clingy match, if you would just let us be.

So, yes, we already know these things. We know what you need. We've studied up on you. You are our favorite topic. We'd just like to put our knowledge into practice now, please. We don't need lectures on how hard it is to date you. We are fully aware of that already, thank you very much!


See? Perception. That's where it's at. So, how do you perceive us, now?

Hi everyone. I am new to the forum and only recently looked into my personality type. I am in a very intense correspondence with an INFP: the connection is extraordinarily strong....and it has reawakened many abstractions that i have set aside because i have not really met people before who could understand how my thoughts meander. We are having an issue on personal space - he seeks to merge with a significant other in terms of self and soul...in order to experience true intimacy - and this really bothers me. My take is that True Intimacy begins with embracing autonomy, and he sees my need for autonomy as a barrier whereas i only seek space and boundaries.

Curious Jane, I am drawn by your entries and actually feel that I am more FP sometimes; I do know that though we may have preferences in our personality typing that we have gradients of development and usage of the other traits...but with what i quoted from you...that reads more like me actually then my INFP friend.

Have any of you encountered any INFP's who are very intense in this desire for soulful union?

[rain]

i love infps...they are such visionaries and intensely brilliant and creative people. but however, their lack of practical sense, common sense and of general everyday living qualities such as being decisive and taking initiative would grate on an intj's nerves in a romantic relationship. eventually there would be arguments and discord.

imho, intjs would do better with istps or intps than an infp.

[Daimon]

i love infps...they are such visionaries and intensely brilliant and creative people. but however, their lack of practical sense, common sense and of general everyday living qualities such as being decisive and taking initiative would grate on an intj's nerves in a romantic relationship. eventually there would be arguments and discord.

imho, intjs would do better with istps or intps than an infp.





Daimon added to this post, 7 minutes and 13 seconds later...

It's not that he is indecisive, i dont think he is ....Rain, it just seems that he is very passionate with this concept of Union that to me smacks of a Heathcliffe- Catherine union ala Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte). You are correct with the general description - it is his intellect , rhetoric, brilliance and intuit that i am very drawn to - and i am sad to admit that your use of "grate" is a bullseye with what i have been feeling.

Is it innate generally, for INTJ's to be fierce about space and personal boundaries?

[Kisai]

I wonder if the INFP's understand the darker side of INTJ humor? Does anyone know?

INFP's are often fascinated with their own Shadows. so yes, they understand.

[Antares]

You can have a fulfilling relationship with any type as long as both parties handle type differences maturely (and a lot of other things, of course).

[curiousjane]

You can have a fulfilling relationship with any type as long as both parties handle type differences maturely (and a lot of other things, of course).

Well spoken, Antares. Thanks.

@ Daimon: Yes, I would say I am looking for a soul mate-type connection. But not a consuming one; rather, an uplifting one. I suspect that most people, even us dreamers and idealists, would rather have a mate that is supportive and encouraging and loyal than anything else. I don't think the brooding Heathcliff-type obsession is healthy at ALL.

I think, perhaps, that your INFP is simply seeking for you to return affection at a similar level as he longs to give it to you. If you are, by giving him space and respecting his autonomy as you wish yours to be respected, tell him this. He may be misinterpreting it as coldness or ambivalence on your part.

The curse of the INFP is that we are prickly on the outside and great big romantics on the inside. Or at least I am. I need the other person to initiate the pace of a relationship, so I am comfortable in knowing that my gestures of affection are desired, not rejected. And then ... and this is the tricky part ... I need to know that the depth of my affections does not disgust my S.O.

Just FYI ... INFPs already know that we're strange creatures. We know that we're capable of "feeling" so much more than other people sometimes. We know that you, the INTJ, will probably not match us in this, although we are also aware that the reason we connect at such a deep level is because of Fi, even though it trips you up, we know you are capable of the same depth of emotion. Actually, sometimes I would venture to say you are capable of much more of it than we are, simply because you, as a J, are not burdened by the tenuousness and second-guessing nature of a P.

[INTJoe]

I've typed my mother as INFP and father as INTJ. They've been married 33 years and raised 4 kids, but their relationship is weak often times.

I think what has saved their marriage is the fact that my dad has learned to be patient, and toss logic and reason out the window at times and give in to my mom's irrational desires. At times, he should have put his foot down more, but they are where they are, and they are still together.

On the other hand, my mom has always seemed to have some strange infatuation with me. It's subtle, but it seems apparent that she sees me as some kind of pillar of strength and a very intelligent and capable person. Her nurturing has always boiled down to "you don't really need advice, you'll figure it out." She's made it known to my siblings (ESTP, ENFP, ENFP), that I'm the only one she's never been able to control with guilt. Lol. wtf? It is true, but I laughed when my brother told me she admitted that to him. lol.

I don't know...it's hard to explain, but when I visit my parents, which only occurs about once a month, she seems to view me like a case-study rather than a Son. But my dad, who is extremely similar to myself, is treated pretty sh*tty.

My mom does love that she can show me her artwork, photography, or writing, and that I'll take the time to listen and give her a solid, well-thought-out critique. She often has these "Aha!" moments we talk.

One thing that bugs me about her, though, is, although she views me as some knowledgeable pillar of strength and reason, sometimes she'll ignore my most important advice and guidance based on the fact that she "doesn't want to" do such and such, which is her primary function Fi getting in the way of major, important decisions that need to be addressed. It hurts me to see her suffer sometimes when I've given her good advice and I know that she knows that I've always given her quality advice.

Because of this, I don't think I could ever have a romantic relationship with an INFP.

[curiousjane]

Because of this, I don't think I could ever have a romantic relationship with an INFP.

That you know of, anyway. I suspect some of us get mistyped. Or maybe we mistype ourselves. Personally, the only other types I could see myself being are INTJ, or ISFP, because I know I have a strong Fi-tendency. Maybe INTP ... I certainly act the geek part on a regular basis.

The danger lies in maturity and ability to seek balance, common sense, and personal growth. If you have these things, no matter your type, you will better yourself. If you DON'T do these things, no matter your type, you will irritate others and flounder in life. I had to battle that out as a kid, and still have an issue with it on a lesser level (would I rather go online, read a book, watch a DVD ... or clean house?) As I've mentioned many times in this forum, I am the ONLY "F" type in my family. I was raised by INTJ and ISTJ parents to work first, play later and to have to defend anything I "wanted to do" just for the sake of wanting/not wanting to do it. I was constantly pushed by an ESTx brother to get out of my personal comfort zone.

And I grew up. I accepted responsibility in jobs that required on-the-spot decision making (which I hate) and multi-tasking. My daydreamer self is regulated to my art, writing, and personal relationships. My work self is my shadow ... at my most effective, I am an ExTJ.

Anyway, my point isn't really about me. I'm just using myself as an example. My point is that even within types there a huge variation on the theme. More mature people will always be better in a relationship than lesser mature people.

In the end, all I can say is: watch your love interest carefully, measure him/her against your standards, listen to your heart in matters that aren't deal-breakers, solicit the advice of trusted friends/family, and choose wisely. And then, be ready to SACRIFICE for your chosen mate.

If you do ... your chances of true happiness and compatibility are much higher.

[INTJoe]

I just meant knowing now what I do about INFPs, had I met one that I was sexually attracted to, then subsequently had them test INFP, I would consider not moving forward in a relationship. Of course back when my father met my mother I don't think he knew anything about MBTI.

Surely your retort will be "But if you have a sexual attraction to them it might become a long-term relationship..." "Why would you limit yourself..." "Listen to your heart..."

Perhaps, but I think I'd move along, knowing the struggles of irrationality that lie ahead.

[Monte314]

I am an INTJ and my wife of 32 years is an INFP. It can work.

[curiousjane]

I just meant knowing now what I do about INFPs, had I met one that I was sexually attracted to, then subsequently had them test INFP, I would consider not moving forward in a relationship. Of course back when my father met my mother I don't think he knew anything about MBTI.

Surely your retort will be "But if you have a sexual attraction to them it might become a long-term relationship..." "Why would you limit yourself..." "Listen to your heart..."

Perhaps, but I think I'd move along, knowing the struggles of irrationality that lie ahead.

No, I think I understand. I was just pointing out the obvious. And I dislike INFPs being thrown into a category of hopeless, impractical, illogical people. It's like saying all INTJs are ruthless, impossible, cold, heartless, and never illogical. Which is obviously not true.

For me, I'd have hard time with somebody just like my Dad. He's the ISTJ, and though I love him dearly, and know that he loves me more than I probably can imagine the depth of ... we butt heads on SO many things and our communication is horrible. So I think, like you, if a potential boyfriend tested ISTJ and showed signs of being like my dad in that way, I'd move on, regardless of the so-called "chemistry" between us.

[pinkroger]

Yes, it can work, and has many times before.

[rain]

Daimon added to this post, 7 minutes and 13 seconds later...

It's not that he is indecisive, i dont think he is ....Rain, it just seems that he is very passionate with this concept of Union that to me smacks of a Heathcliffe- Catherine union ala Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte). You are correct with the general description - it is his intellect , rhetoric, brilliance and intuit that i am very drawn to - and i am sad to admit that your use of "grate" is a bullseye with what i have been feeling.

Is it innate generally, for INTJ's to be fierce about space and personal boundaries?

absolutely. intjs love their personal space. i hate people intruding in on me uninvited. i choose when i want to see others.

intjs also have a great depth of feeling. its just not easily apparent as with infps who have their feelings written all over in a very apparent way. infps also need to be together all the time, whereas intjs need independence in relationships. i think that's another reason why the pairing isn't usually successful.

[INTJoe]

So I think, like you, if a potential boyfriend tested ISTJ and showed signs of being like my dad in that way, I'd move on, regardless of the so-called "chemistry" between us.

Yeah, I mean it's pretty ruthless to have to make a determination like this, but isn't this what learning about MBTI is about? Why else study MBTI and post on a forum all day if you don't use it?

I guess what I'm saying is it would be a shame to fall physically for someone, only to discover 10 years down the road that it doesn't work. Especially if you had signs it may not work when you began the relationship. The personality will pretty much always be there, but the physical attraction may wane. What was once a hot little number, may morph into an amoeba-shaped ghastly beast in 10 years.

[Udog]

infps also need to be together all the time, whereas intjs need independence in relationships. i think that's another reason why the pairing isn't usually successful.

This is not true of me. While yes, quality time is one of my primary love languages, sometimes that includes quality time APART as well.

I like spending time in my head, and get irritated at those that won't let me have it.

I just meant knowing now what I do about INFPs, had I met one that I was sexually attracted to, then subsequently had them test INFP, I would consider not moving forward in a relationship. Of course back when my father met my mother I don't think he knew anything about MBTI.

This makes perfect sense to me. Our relationships with our parents play a huge role in the type of person we either are or are NOT attracted to. You do not speak for all INTJs, but you certainly do speak for yourself.

[Erika Redmark]

While yes, quality time is one of my primary love languages, sometimes that includes quality time APART as well.

I like spending time in my head, and get irritated at those that won't let me have it.

Thinking of the INFP I know, it still seems consistent to me. The inner life of the mind is a pretty big deal for them too, right?

[demvesalius]

My dad is an INTJ and my mom is an INFP. They have been married for 25 years. It's hard being one of their children to really look at them objectively, from the outside, to see how their relationship really is. My mom was married twice, for no more than a year, before she met my dad at age 26, my dad was 29. The thing my mom really liked about my dad, which apparently set him apart from all the other men in her life, is that he made her laugh - and he still does to. I think they are best friends first and lovers second and they aren't really touchy-feelly, at least as long as I can remember. I suppose this is because they are both intuitive and don't necessarily need to be constantly touching each other. My dad can be insensitive to my mom sometimes by just being his INTJ self, but my mom can also be emotional for no reason and never make up her mind.

A common conversation they will always have, yet they enjoy, is deciding what to do. To the observer from the outside, in this case me, it seems absolutely ridiculous, but they both get a kick out of it - I suppose because they love each other. My dad will ask my mom what she would like to do for the evening. He's decisive and wants to make plans to do whatever they agree to do. My mom will say, for example, she would like to see a movie. My dad will ask her what movie she would like to see and will start naming movies from the newspaper. As he's naming movies from the newspaper I can see my moms emotions playing with her and she begins to have a frustrated look on her face. My dad will notice this to and ask her if she really wants to see a movie? She will then say she doesn't know. My dad will say, "But you just said you wanted to see a movie." My mom will moan, "I know, but I don't feel like it now." This may go on back and forth for twenty minutes some times until a decision is finally made on what to do. AND they both enjoy it. I don't understand it, but they do.

If you think about it, it is said that the ENFP is the best match for an INTJ. Doesn't quite make sense to me because ENFP's, although fun and attractive people to be around, tend to be bundles of energy and exhausting after a while. Remove the E and put in the I it seems you have a perfect match.

[Daimon]

absolutely. intjs love their personal space. i hate people intruding in on me uninvited. i choose when i want to see others.

intjs also have a great depth of feeling. its just not easily apparent as with infps who have their feelings written all over in a very apparent way. infps also need to be together all the time, whereas intjs need independence in relationships. i think that's another reason why the pairing isn't usually successful.

To All,
Being new to this forum and the MBTI typing I am astounded at the pearls of experience and real life wisdom that you are all sharing. My INFP has cut off all ties with me: having had the experience of knowing him intuitively, i am now confronted with his dark Heathcliffe side. His Empathy, Creativity and Vision has the alternate ego of Rigidity and Fierce Logic that i can only describe as black and white, when it comes to what he passionately, infernally believes in. Or rather i should say, FEELS.

I am currently very shaken. The rational side of me is saying that I am romanticizing an encounter that, with current technology and e-communication, is trivial in the grand scheme of things. I have never even met my INFP. But the connection of our intuit, and my Fi (as you all mention here) .....is ineffable. Whether it is typical of INTJ, or just my own character, I am someone who is accepting of differences (i may not be happy about it, but i will acknowledge differences because i hate being the same or agreeing to everything for the sake of being part of the herd) -- my INFP could not come to terms with my longing for my own reverie, my dealing with my own shadows on my own terms. He could not understand my point that true intimacy can only come about with respect for autonomy. I guarded my boundaries fiercely, only to maintain a point of individuality, and i messaged him in a mix of anger and decisiveness. I tried to be firm but gentle in the end of my missive, hoping that the empath in him, though wounded, would still come to me in acceptance. But he tacitly ended our encounter bleakly, which is in such contradistinction to how he wore his feelings, perceptions bare to me when we connected.

Sigh. i know. One of you will say, in not too many words "Get over it". I will, and i will move on and learn and grow.

Through him though, i learned about MBTI. and i find myself here baring pieces of myself to you all.

Regardless of type, we are all unique. Learning of these categories has helped me understand myself (and i hope i can apply it to the people I know) and has lead me now to creative pursuits and new experiences such as this forum.

Whew. I hope i am not being too longwinded. (Give the currently depressed INTJ a break :-))





Daimon added to this post, 9 minutes and 34 seconds later...



The danger lies in maturity and ability to seek balance, common sense, and personal growth. If you have these things, no matter your type, you will better yourself. If you DON'T do these things, no matter your type, you will irritate others and flounder in life. ..... My point is that even within types there a huge variation on the theme. More mature people will always be better in a relationship than lesser mature people.......In the end, all I can say is: watch your love interest carefully, measure him/her against your standards, listen to your heart in matters that aren't deal-breakers, solicit the advice of trusted friends/family, and choose wisely. And then, be ready to SACRIFICE for your chosen mate.

If you do ... your chances of true happiness and compatibility are much higher.

Curious Jane, whether it is you as an INFP or simply just you....i am appeased by your words. One thing that my INFP and I shared was the perrenial need to pursue personal growth and balance. We mirrored each others Truths in this sense. But my standards, and my heartspeaks, eventually told me to guard myself. Some of his intensity, seemed to be on the border of..UnHealth....it may only really be his Passion for Company...then again.....it could also have been my own Fears of being completely known and Bare to someone who matched my introspection, introvertedness and intuit.

I guess, I am simply not Catherine to his Heathcliffe. (which makes me think....Bronte's Heathcliffe was probably INFP eh? what of the fictional Catherine?)

[OneHertz]

I personally just hate INFPs more than any other type probably. They do not have the charm of a clueless extraverted chick that ENFP has to make up for the all the constant frustration. I am quite strong in all four letters though, so others might be more tolerant... Or have just never talked to a true INFP for a very long time, unlike myself.

[demvesalius]

I personally just hate INFPs more than any other type probably. They do not have the charm of a clueless extraverted chick that ENFP has to make up for the all the constant frustration. I am quite strong in all four letters though, so others might be more tolerant... Or have just never talked to a true INFP for a very long time, unlike myself.

"Hate" is a strong word. I'd be careful how you use it. "Hate" is also so extreme that it almost becomes as strong as "love".

[curiousjane]

I personally just hate INFPs more than any other type probably. They do not have the charm of a clueless extraverted chick that ENFP has to make up for the all the constant frustration. I am quite strong in all four letters though, so others might be more tolerant... Or have just never talked to a true INFP for a very long time, unlike myself.
Ouch. Though I want to take this personally, I won't. I recognize you're just voicing what's on your mind.

[Udog]

I personally just hate INFPs more than any other type probably. They do not have the charm of a clueless extraverted chick that ENFP has to make up for the all the constant frustration. I am quite strong in all four letters though, so others might be more tolerant... Or have just never talked to a true INFP for a very long time, unlike myself.

Hopefully you realize this is a very subjective and emotional opinion, as you state it here. Add some objectivity to it, and your post may offer value by showing some of the pitfalls that need to be addressed between the INTJ and INFP.

In other words, care to explain why you hate INFPs so?

[OneHertz]

I had an INFP friend for 8 (eight!) years and we spent an obscene amount of time together. We initially started hanging out due to shared interests and the friendship went off from there. This person had absolutely no logic and when I commented on how obscene some of his statements are (with logical reasoning behind what I am saying) he would get all emotional and defensive about it and piss me off even further to the point where I can not longer formulate clear thoughts in my head and my attitude towards him is just a loud scream in my head.

This was not so bad for the first few years, back when I did not really care about him and did not want to "improve" him. When he stated some of his "theories" (he thinks he is more aware when he is drunk to this day) I would just laugh and let it go. After a little while I got a little tired of being assosciated with him so I attempted to make him a little bit less hopeless. At that point he started taking everything I say as critisizm and begun giving me aggressive answers towards everything I say. Combined with him being insecure to begin with, this made him even MORE illogical (if that was even possible) and pissed me off further. The relationship was basically just spiralling out of control.

Another thing about him that bugged me greatly is that he "truly" had absolutely no care for money or any material things. A lot of people will say that they don't either but that is lies 95% of the times or more. I have never met anyone with less care than him. He is in his 20s now and is still working at borderline minimum wage jobs and eating frozen food every day. What pisses me off is that he does not think there is anything wrong with that! My family is very high status and I have offered to hook him up with a good job if he just took some effort to learn something, but he never did. He attends college now (the program he picked is worthless though), due to the pressure I put on him. He failed high school two years in a row because of how little he cared about everything, but his relationships with his friends. Now, I am exactly the opposite of him so we did not work well on that aspect either.

I could probably keep on going for many pages but I have to get back to work as lunch time is now over.

[Minxz]

A) Each person finds success and happiness through different paths perhaps his carefree life makes him happy.

B) Many INFP's manage to become functioning members of society even with our struggles with consistency and attention span.

You can't judge every INFP by your interactions with one. Perhaps your friends lifestyle and yours did not mesh but that does not mean that there aren't other INFP's out there that you might connect with...

[curiousjane]

Well, OneHertz, I can see now why you said you can't stand INFPs. I'd probably feel the same way if I was confronted with similar behavior from a friend. That guy needs to grow up.

Sounds like the turning point in your friendship was when you tried to "improve" him.

I've heard this is the difficulty with the INFP/INTJ pairing, whether as friends or in a dating relationship. In Socionics (which I'm dubious about), INTJ = INTp and INFP = INFj, with supposed "Relations of Benefit" ... very far down their chart of ideal pairings. It claims that we both see each other as intriguing, but we then try to "fix" the parts that aren't quite up to par, and get on each other's nerves. Could be true. Certainly seems that way in your case.

Yet I still maintain, like Antares said, that any two mature individuals with the desire to make a relationship work CAN make that relationship work.

This is a bit off topic ... but what you wrote seems to indicate that your friend was immature, lazy, unmotivated, socially awkward, defensive, and overly opinionated. These are negative traits, to be sure. But the way you recalled your interactions seems to indicate that you were condescending, forceful, irritated, judgmental, and elitist. Also negative traits.

I can see why you parted ways. All those traits being thrown into the pot of friendship would certainly sour the relationship. You should have both reevaluated your circumstances, if you wanted to become stronger friends, and then dealt with the issues between you. He needed to shape up; you needed to cool down.



This isn't about you, though. What frustrates me is knowing that too many people give up on relationships just because they take work. Doesn't ANYTHING worth doing/having/valuing? We're so self-centered, as a society. And I am, myself, a sad example of selfishness! I think introverts deal with it more than anyone ... we're so inward ... that it takes us too long to figure out that we need to focus outward, too.

Nobody's perfect. But those who admit their flaws, work on self-improvement, and deal with others with a bit of grace, humility, and patience ... are on their way to having better relationships, in general!







curiousjane added to this post, 10 minutes and 47 seconds later...

You can't judge every INFP by your interactions with one. Perhaps your friends lifestyle and yours did not mesh but that does not mean that there aren't other INFP's out there that you might connect with...

I agree with your statement, Minxz. The behavior of one does not define the behavior of the group, and there are probably are plenty of INFPs that would not typify this behavior. But OneHertz's statement of dislike, while vehement (and one that took me off-guard), was not directed at us (or at least I hope not!). He/she had a pretty bad experience with an immature person of our type.

[OneHertz]

You can't say I haven't tried to work at it. It did last 8 years afterall.

Some of his characteristics I do see to be due to him being an INFP and others are just unique to him. I see INFPs to have very little care about materialism in general, and I also see them to be extremely defensive and illogical. I know only one other INFP though so I guess I may be misinformed, but until I am proven wrong in real life I will keep thinking like that. I get along with the second INFP I know OK, as long as we do not spend an overly long time together. I think this is because that INFP is female. The kinds of behaviour INFPs exhibit is more associated with females in my head so it frustrates me much, MUCH less when I encounter it. Instead of getting angry I see her as something I just want to protect and hug and that is rather different. My critisisms are also softer because they are directed at a female (that is how my brain works anyhow). Once again, I think that occurance is a gender thing (I am male).

[SimplyOtter]

I personally just hate INFPs more than any other type probably. They do not have the charm of a clueless extraverted chick that ENFP has to make up for the all the constant frustration. I am quite strong in all four letters though, so others might be more tolerant... Or have just never talked to a true INFP for a very long time, unlike myself.

Aaha! Now I can see your comment in my thread under another light...:suspicious:
If you hate INFPs why you post mostly where we are concerned?

Teasing you ;)

[rain]

Instead of getting angry I see her as something I just want to protect and hug and that is rather different. My critisisms are also softer because they are directed at a female (that is how my brain works anyhow). Once again, I think that occurance is a gender thing (I am male).

yes, apparently infps have that effect on intjs. at least i have an infp male friend and he is in constant need of rescuing. he is a musician and the people are around him are forcing him to get a "proper" job and so was planning on giving up his great gift of composition because in the states, it is hard for obscure, but brilliant musicians to flourish because there is no support system for artists as there is in europe.

anyhow, his indecision about what to do with his life was driving me crazy, so then i took it upon myself to tell him what he needs to do so that he could continue to compose beautiful, but non-commercial music.

all infps without estj fathers are doomed to fail if they are in a creative field, i think.

[Udog]

Thank you for clarifying, OneHertz. I can see your annoyance with INFPs now, although we are not all like that. In fact, some of those things may have annoyed me as well.

I find the dynamic between INTJs and INFPs to be interesting. I had a great friend that was INTJ, and I picked up alot of good things from him. At our best, we complimented each other very well. He was very good at making plans, and I was very good at making making sure he didn't take things so seriously, and making the best out of a situation when his plans would on occasion go wrong.

Having not known any female INTJs, I don't know if I'd find myself attracted to one or not. I see potential, but can't say for sure. If she were somewhat laid back (for an INTJ), we had similar senses of humor, and shared some common interests, I could see it going very well.

[universalis]

Not that I don't love my INTJ friends here and all ... but it has been said (on this forum and others!) that indicating interest to one requires the verbal equivalent of a brick hurled with Herculean force between his/her eyes.

hahaha. I loved that. Thank you.

[Daimon]

absolutely. intjs love their personal space. i hate people intruding in on me uninvited. i choose when i want to see others.

intjs also have a great depth of feeling. its just not easily apparent as with infps who have their feelings written all over in a very apparent way. infps also need to be together all the time, whereas intjs need independence in relationships. i think that's another reason why the pairing isn't usually successful.

@Rain: That is so apt...to choose when you want others to see 'you'. does it mean we are secretive? is it bad to have 'secrets' in any kind of relationship....for me as long as it is not anything injurious to self or others, i have no need to know every iota that goes on in another person's psyche. My INFP was near-obsessive about it, methinks.

One good thing out of my ineffable, intuitive liaison with my INFP is that my inner artist has been re-awakened. It will continue to shine, even though he is no longer, and as it seems to be, will never be part of my Life. at least, in this Life.





Daimon added to this post, 6 minutes and 4 seconds later...

General disadvantages to an INFP-INTJ relationship, INTJ perspective:

1) P. Will never get around to actually doing anything, or so it will seem. This applies to housework (a general "it'll still be there in ten minutes" attitude), and can seriously irritate the J. INFP's can be slobs. P's also come up with some of the most indirect ways of doing things you'll ever find.

2) "I love you" junkies. INFP's need to be told constantly that they are loved. They don't trust people to keep loving them in absence of direct confirmation. A statement of affection that'll keep an INTJ going for months will have the INFP hungry for more in about ten minutes. You know how repetition annoys you? This can cause conflicts.

3) NT-NF "vicious cycle." Just when you're at your most relaxed and happy, he'll suddenly ask why you're so distant these days.

None of these are insurmountable, of course, but they're worth thinking about going in. And no offense to the INFP's in these boards, of course: We INTJ's have our own problems. ("What, you didn't realize I was crazy about you?")

@DrEast: My goodness. #1 , based on some things my INFP Told me about himself, I could see him being a procrastinator, but #2 and #3 are right on. It was romantic yes...but eventually just overly done....and my boundaries were well..under siege by INFP-Heathcliffe

Not that i want to generalize....he is the only person i have ever known with an identified MBTI type and INFP at that......





Daimon added to this post, 0 minutes and 49 seconds later...

Unfortunately, theatresk8, "completely blunt" is the only form of communication most INTJs can process adequately.

Not that I don't love my INTJ friends here and all ... but it has been said (on this forum and others!) that indicating interest to one requires the verbal equivalent of a brick hurled with Herculean force between his/her eyes.

@CuriousJane: really? can some of us be that dense?

[rain]

@Rain: That is so apt...to choose when you want others to see 'you'. does it mean we are secretive? is it bad to have 'secrets' in any kind of relationship....for me as long as it is not anything injurious to self or others, i have no need to know every iota that goes on in another person's psyche. My INFP was near-obsessive about it, methinks.

it's not that intjs are secretive, but there are layers upon layers of our emotional complexity and to us, the way some people openly disclose their feelings when first meeting someone seems insincere and superficial.

we like the aspect of discovery, not complete disclosure. i think for infp women though, they have an obsessive need to know everything about their mates, and that is really what pushes us away in the first place.

we need space, we need breathing room, and we need to keep a bit of secrets to ourselves and let us be.

of course, the attraction may be that infps always interpret situations inaccurately, and we might find that charming because what would they do without us? probably off chasing their own mental tail ad infinitum blaming themselves for something that doesn't even exist. ;)

[Daimon]

it's not that intjs are secretive, but there are layers upon layers of our emotional complexity and to us, the way some people openly disclose their feelings when first meeting someone seems insincere and superficial......we like the aspect of discovery, not complete disclosure......
we need space, we need breathing room, and we need to keep a bit of secrets to ourselves and let us be.

So well said. ..in anything you do, generally it is best to step back a little to see a clearer picture....that to me is another purpose for "space".

(sigh - Anginal pain from remembering my INFP....)

[stephante]

It will be smart to check how strong is his J. Because stronger J will surely dislike when you late for 20 minutes or get lost in something.
Dont be depressive INTJ hate that and I think that INFP have good chance to be like that.He will also certainly value self confidence alot because we have problem whit people who dont have it and they are looking for comfort.
All other emotions are ok as long that emotions are not too expressed.
INTJs usually enjoy intelectual conversations so be prepared for them.



so, i'm sometimes an enfp, but lately an infp... and my boyfriend of a year plus is an intj. i find it really funny that antisocial one mentioned tardiness, self confidence, and intellectual conversations.

we just had a row about him feeling i'm never concerned about getting anywhere on time, and me feeling like he rushes me to do things.

he really loves it when i'm a bit cocky, like when i get back from the gym (and i'm not some fit gym-bunny, mind you) and i show off my muscles

and he DEFINITELY is heavy on the intellectual conversations.

it's one of the best relationships of any sort in my life, ever. yeah, we fight, but it's always short, emotionally intense fights that end with us talking things out and figuring out what we can do to make our relationship better. we both work hard to respect our differences, and i can't think of anything that is more worth the effort.

[Seppuku Savant]

Dated one. They are decent matches on some levels, but are too emotionally sensitive.

[curiousjane]

Perhaps I've not been in a relationship long enough to know, but I've never been accused by an INTJ date of being too emotional. If anything, I think I confused my "ex" (for lack of a better term) by being too self-contained emotionally. Looking back, we just weren't the best match as people but it wasn't because of type.

[Chronos]

I wonder if the INFP's understand the darker side of INTJ humor? Does anyone know?

I have a female INFP friend who has a very high tolerance for morbidity and dark humour. In fact, she's among the few people with whom I can really vent by exploring the very darkest sides of my humour. Nothing seems to faze her.

That's not to say she's a bad person - far from it. She just accepts, and even embraces, the fact that the world is imperfect, and can poke morbid fun of this fact. I, however, tend to take said fact way too seriously, and let it get under my skin - so it's nice to have someone to remind me that sometimes, you've just got to laugh.

Sorry if this is too offtopic btw ...

[anothercurious]

INTJ I'm interested in (i am INFP) is so ridiculously self centered... I shouldnt even like him, the way he treats me.

[wotsamattaU]

What is the relationship status? How is he treating you?

Maybe you are just a glutton for punishment? :beatnik:

Welcome to the forum, btw.

[amanda06]

I wonder if the INFP's understand the darker side of INTJ humor? Does anyone know?

I definitely do! I don't think I'm that strong on all my preferences, though, except Percieving... which only affirms that I am flexible and indecisive, haha. I really enjoy intellectual conversation and darker humor. I'm not saying all INFPs are the same, but it can definitely happen.

On an unrelated note, I just wanted to iterate how unbelievably happy I am to have found this forum. I'm currently pursuing an INTJ (says so on his facebook profile, baha) and I can't believe how similar some of your situations are to mine. @curiousjane, GET OUT OF MY HEAD. baha. Seriously, some of the posts you've made.... I'm pretty sure you pulled them right out of my brain. It's so wonderful to find other people that have the same frustrations with an INFP-INTJ relationship, but have that magical chemistry and determination to make it work in spite of it. Reading over all your posts has given me so much more reassurance that my relationship with my INTJ will work out in the end... I'm learning to have a lot more patience with him and not take any interaction for granted. We live several hours away, and while I would be happier than a clam talking to him for several hours a day, I know I have to step back and let him make a move too, even if it only means talking once or twice a week. I might be back for more advice from you, o wise INTJs, but for now I could not be happier with the relationship with my INTJ, and again, to have found this forum. So thanks. :)