How to increase low self esteem?

[Fej]

I have a very low self esteem, how can I improve it?

Thanks

[sriv]

Always see the good side of things. Meet an INFP or ENFP. A good place to do this would be MBTIc. Listen to this song (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). Put that song to memory. Go to a therapist. I am just rambling. Write a journal. Get some exercise. Think about everything good in your life. Have a "happy place" memory to boost yourself when you are feeling down. Indulge yourself with some consumerism. Etc. I could keep on going.

[PRBori]

An INTJ with LOW-Self esteem? Wow...

NEVER CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU... Remember that being UNIQUE is a GIFT....

NEVER COMPARE WHAT YOU HAVE WITH WHAT OTHERS HAVE... Material aspects do not make someone better, as a matter of fact those who have less in life are the happiest

NEVER LOOK DOWN ON YOURSELF... for you always have a purpose, a reason to be here, you have many good qualities that even if others can't see they are there...

WHENEVER SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU... remember that is smaller than a grain of salt compare to what others around the world are going thru...

Follow all of the above and in addition perform the following:

- Write DOWN ALL your qualities (Good and Bad)
- Reflect on the bad ones, I'm sure they are not as bad as you think they are
- Look deep into yourself and think WHAT YOU WANT OF LIFE... not what others want

Once ALL of the above are performed YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF.. and you WILL BUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL...

Good Luck!!

[Fej]

Thanks guys, those are good advices.

[TheLastMohican]

Low self-esteem is not to be confused with low confidence. High self-esteem is really an irrational thing, unless you have shown that you are above average as a person, and therefore worthy of high self-esteem. What most people call "low self-esteem" is simply a good sense of reality.

Once you have made great achievements, or distinguished yourself, you have reason for high self-esteem. But that gets dangerously close to cockiness, which usually leads to a self-esteem crash when you fail. That might be called depression when it happens. So low-to-moderate self-esteem with a good grip on reality is a more stable, and ultimately a happier state.

Confidence is another issue, since it involves specific situations and your belief in your ability to handle them. Confidence is good when it is correctly placed. So find something that you know you know well, and do it. Choose a field, and excel, and the confidence will follow. A good dose of humility to go with it will make you a very well-balanced person in your outlook. Good luck.

[Vivid]

Books help me. Maybe they would help you. I just pick subjects and learn. I feel good about myself when I'm cramming knowledge into my head. Plus it gives you something objective to talk about when socializing.

[Rick]

In the past, I have wondered whether this is an INTJ trait.

Regarding how to handle the low self esteem (and I have it, too), lots and lots of time alone works for me. Time to pick directions.

With low self esteem, there is a tendency to struggle also with self doubts (or doubts of conclusions, in our case, or a need to create an air of fraility in some cases to test our conclusions in abject humility).

With a high probability INTJ (meaning all the traits match the profile), at some point you have to break free of the need to receive adverse opinions for validation, then go with your own conclusions - persuing and acting on instincts to their conclusion - modifying and enhancing them along the way.

[errrzarrr]

get books, look on youtube.

[AgentofGaming]

I'd also agree with trying not to beat yourself up about it.

I'm not sure if someone has given this site to you yet. To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

As well in my experience having supportive/understanding friends and family helps. Although try not too reliant or hope too much from those or that could get you in a bad place. To me friendship is mutual and balanced I don't try to tip it.

[Minerva]

I have a very low self esteem, how can I improve it?

Thanks

Find something that you are good at. These are the arenas in which you can truly shine! Take pride in these things. However, don't neglect the flaws in your personality. We all have them.

Once you recognize what you wish to change about yourself, set goals for yourself and work towards them, keeping in mind that you should pace yourself. Have a plan on how to get where you want and start on it. Remember, the longest journey begins with a simple step.

[DrEast]

Engage in low-stress, low-risk, low-reward projects that will increase your self-confidence. Self-confidence is VITAL to INTJ self-esteem. You need to believe you can handle anything that may come your way through cool-minded planning, competence, and intelligence.

If you've recently suffered a romantic mishap, this will negatively effect you for a few months, during which you should NOT attempt to "rebound" to feel better... your lowered self-esteem will act against you, and you're already going to be weaker than most other types at romantic skillsets. There may be other fish in the sea, but you're not going to hook any of them until you can project that self-confidence again (not, like I said, that that's ever easy for an INTJ to do in romance). Besides all this, your basic judgment will be impaired for a while, and you may find yourself in a bad way.

A few activities I could recommend are writing, exercise (biking I find particularly good for this), or various hobby pursuits. These are things you can set simple goals (I use daily goals) for yourself and achieve, and then increase the goals as you go. Eventually these will help you feel better about your ability and reinforce your self-esteem.

Lastly, you may be suffering from clinical depression; check up on the symptoms (excessive sleeping is a dead give-away for me) and decide if you should consult a doctor about antidepressant techniques and medications.

[azelismia]

Engage in low-stress, low-risk, low-reward projects that will increase your self-confidence. Self-confidence is VITAL to INTJ self-esteem. You need to believe you can handle anything that may come your way through cool-minded planning, competence, and intelligence.

If you've recently suffered a romantic mishap, this will negatively effect you for a few months, during which you should NOT attempt to "rebound" to feel better... your lowered self-esteem will act against you, and you're already going to be weaker than most other types at romantic skillsets. There may be other fish in the sea, but you're not going to hook any of them until you can project that self-confidence again (not, like I said, that that's ever easy for an INTJ to do in romance). Besides all this, your basic judgment will be impaired for a while, and you may find yourself in a bad way.

A few activities I could recommend are writing, exercise (biking I find particularly good for this), or various hobby pursuits. These are things you can set simple goals (I use daily goals) for yourself and achieve, and then increase the goals as you go. Eventually these will help you feel better about your ability and reinforce your self-esteem.

Lastly, you may be suffering from clinical depression; check up on the symptoms (excessive sleeping is a dead give-away for me) and decide if you should consult a doctor about antidepressant techniques and medications.


I've found for mild depression St Johns wort really takes the edge off and doesn't have side effects other than increasing your sun sensitivities. it can interfere with other drugs so if you're on anything at all you'd want to check with your doc first.

[Big Grizzle]

I have a very low self esteem, how can I improve it?

Thanks

Why would you want to increase your low self esteem?

...but seriously. Do this.

1) Count your fingers and thumbs
2) Count your hands.
3) Count your arms and legs.
4) Count your eyes.
5) Do you have somewhere to sleep at night?
6) Do you have food to eat?

If the answers are

1) 10
2) 2
3) 4
4) 2
5) Yes
6) Yes

Then you have very little to actually complain about.

You also in a great place to start making a plan to change the things that you don't like. Feeling sorry for yourself will not help you.

A quote that I really like and that always helps me.

“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.”

-Calvin Coolidge

I'm not saying it's easy to change. In fact it sometimes is very very hard. Just don't ever give up.

Exert your will upon the universe!!!

[Zilal]

Check in with your values. If honesty is important to you, are you always honest? If you value helping others, are you volunteering? If you don't know what your values are, there's probably exercises for finding them somewhere... if you can get your behavior to line up with what you actually think is important, that's the grand prize. Changes to things like image and relationship status are small potatoes.

[thod]

I have a very low self esteem, how can I improve it?


Why would you want to improve it if its justified. Is it not right, that the guy who is inferior in every way, should have low self esteem. Perhaps its a correct assessment and you really are not worth it. Now get down and grovel like the worm you are!

[xtremegeek]

Find volunteer work to do. Doing stuff for others who are in great need will help you be less self-absorbed.

[sriv]

NEVER CARE WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU... Remember that being UNIQUE is a GIFT....


-What people think of you- vs -What you think of yourself-. How much of -What people think of you- that you allow to affect -What you think of yourself- is YOUR choice.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Here's what I have found out along the way..............

I have very high confidence due to the things that I have been able to achieve and the skill sets I've been able to hone. However, my self-esteem has remained low although it is getting higher within the last few decade.

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to begin to build my self-esteem is that I erroneously thought that if I built my confidence up, then my self-esteem would follow. The reason this is incorrect is because self-esteem is formed in childhood. If your self-esteem is high in childhood (usually your care-givers will make you feel intrinsically worthy), then you're all set. However, if you're self-esteem is low in childhood (due to a variety of different causes), then you must find a way to increase it yourself as you grow. This can only be done by surrounding yourself with people who like you, admire, you, and think you're cool and worthwhile just 'cause you're you.

[Homini Lupus]

I would go for reachable and rewarding objectives you know you can handle and spending some time where I don't have to care about others (my introversion makes me uneasy when othes are looking at what I'm doing, even if I don't really care about their unpurposeful lives and streams of tought).
Being a bit boastful with women also helps when it's possible. Some of them likes how INTJs act and speak even if most of the times tey're more curious than interested. As long as you understand that, it can become an interesting game. They think they're just observing you but they fail to understand that you are testing them.

[Fej]

Thanks to everyone, special thanks to vaguely_dissatisfied for his message.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

Thanks to everyone, special thanks to vaguely_dissatisfied for his message.
Her message. You're very welcome...I hope it helps you.

[Fej]

It's going to be hard though, as no one seems to like me, or admire me lol

[Noehelia]

Fej, as I have read in your previous posts you are a teenager. The problem with that age is teenagers are in a pursuit of themselves, of the world, they are trying to find the answers and they question everything. Low self-esteem is very common in teenagers and it is very natural as they did not really had the chance so far to test themselves, to find their own path. You do not have much experience on what you like, on your behavior, of how you deal with things, so you do not know yourself that much. Imagine how much you will know yourself in 10 years, when you will have experienced the world yourself alone, you will have accomplish things on your own, you will have some answers about yourself.

Some of the above posters mentioned many nice tricks of how to raise your low self esteem in the immediate future. I have done some of those things myself when I got through depression. For me there was another thing that I do not know if it is easy for INTJ's. Acceptance of who I am. Since I am the one who is living my life, it is through my perspective that I experience the world there is not much point to be all the time harsh to myself. I understood that some of my "bad" habbits and traits are actually "good" for other uses. As an example- my boyfriend who is an INTJ accuses me that I make more mistakes than him when I express my opinion. He has to be absolutely sure before saying something. However this makes him expressing his opinion far less times than me. Me on the other hand although I hate the idea of being wrong I express it more frequently. Why? Because I tremble with the idea that I could save a situation and I didn't do it. In fact by expressing my ideas even if they are wrong, I make people think better of their actions so they decide the proper thing in the end. So, even though my self esteem is hurt some times when I am wrong I understand that in overall this is the way I am ok with myself.

[vaguely dissatisfied]

It's going to be hard though, as no one seems to like me, or admire me lol
If you're still in school then you'll just have to endure until you get out into the real world. If you're out of school, then it is time to pick and choose among your aquaintences those that apear to appreciate you more. Gravitate toward people who make you feel good about yourself. It's a slow process, but well worth the effort. You may notice that certain types accept you more readily than others. You may want to join something that looks like it attracts these types (office baseball team, chess groups) whatever you think you could stand to do for a little while.

If there are people in your life right now that make you feel less than good about yourself.......begin to distance yourself from them......even family.

[zibber]

It's going to be hard though, as no one seems to like me, or admire me lol

Don't forget how arbitrary that ultimately is, though. Whether everyone likes you or no one does, you are you. How is the amount of people that like you relevant to your self esteem? What if I killed everyone who might like you, would that actually make you a worse person? What makes anyone a worse person? What if I sought out people who might admire you and surrounded you with them, would that suddenly make you better somehow?

My remedy for low self esteem is reminding myself how arbitrary labels of worth are. The only ways you can achieve an estimation of your so called worth, whatever the F that means, are either tautological (by comparing your true self to your true personal preferences, which should lead to no contradictions) or socially dependent (by comparing yourself to others, which only leads to the depressing affirmation of conventions). Both seem quite ridiculous.

Well.. basically I'm preaching apathy towards certain concepts. I've just stopped seeing their worth, for lack of a better term.

[changos]

I have a very low self esteem, how can I improve it?Get busy, stay busy, find something entertainment where there are no goals, no wining, just fun. My guess is you have too much time available. We intjs do not tend to low esteem or depression. But when we don't have things to do for a long long time and are alone... the dark side call us and the paranoia comes examining the self and finding faults.

Remember, we detect patterns and the faults at everything. If we don't point the gun to the outside world we will point it back to us. Yes, we become sad and this hit us too.

Talk to people and hear them. Mos of people life is plain shit!!! Sometimes people life reminds me how lucky I am just by being single and not married with a wacko, stalker, unfaithful or such. I mean, see the good things in life.

Being an INTJ too I would recommend trekking and mountain sports. This are not team sports and the people who often practice this are thinkers with always a good advice. Besides this kind of sports make you look in withing your self in a good way. I have found lot of peace there.

[Fej]

Good advice changos. You're probably right that I have too much time available, I just don't have anything fun to do plus I don't manage my time well.

I just have a question,

Can you give me examples of the kind of entertainment you name (No goals, no winning, just fun)? And does video games fit in this category?

[fonmaneal]

If you are an INTJ, you should not allow emotional reactionaries to rule you.
You are a king on the board, not a pawn, or rook.
Your lessers will attemp to pull you down.
Even your own kind, will try to subgagate you.
Remember you are the future of your speices, they are the past.
Use your strengths, strengthen you weaknesses, and rule them all!

[changos]

Can you give me examples of the kind of entertainment you name (No goals, no winning, just fun)? And does video games fit in this category?
Mountain sports... climb a mountain. It makes you think and forget problems or see them in a diff way. Trust me, after walking, (perhaps suffering) and sleeping under a tent you realize food and something to eat are enough. This kind of activities leave no room for many kind of worries as your car being old... you might surprise yourself enjoying walking or recognizing you only need something with tires driving you home.
Biking... or mountain bike. There is no competition and trust me, even when you fall it will be a matter of laughs between your friends. Besides all the mountain sports involve people who know how to take care of themselves... perhaps if you join them you will feel ignorant for a while but trust me, you will learn and there is no shame between this kind of people.
Aikido... is not a martial art... is a way of life. It teaches you to see the problems from diff views or... to see there is no problem. It is amazing. It teaches you the "no resistance" and being one with the attacker. It gives you peace as there is no winning. There is no winning on a fight... Also you will be surprise about the size and age of the guys there being able of killing you with no effort... then after a technique being applied and teached they extend their hands to lift you up. This teaches peace and friendship. What I find hard to explain is this gives you the feeling of being little and grateful as you are surrounded by people able of killing... but they wont kill a fly. Martial arts are different, they can't be compared but Aikido is a Budo avoiding violence, there are no strikes or punches, only movements, a dance. I really recommend you Aikido.
Teaching... As an INTJ you must be a wise guy at something, even if you don't consider yourself that way. Teaching is good for the self esteem as it reinforces the idea of you having a value, something valuable... and it helps being humble as you are giving... helping, teaching. There is no competition as nobody knows what you know... you are the teacher.
Go reading something that amuse you to a park or cafe. You will be surprised how many eyes you will catch being pointed as interesting or intriguing. It is healthy.
Work with dogs. Sure, no kidding, if you have some way of working with animals and specially dogs it helps. This animals are great and give acceptance and care.
This is what I can think about at the moment. Good luck and stay busy!! Don't push yourself.

Remember you are the future of your speices, they are the past.Totally agree.

* As my additional two cents... if you feel sad, face it, feel it... we intjs seem to have this thing of trying to rationalize our feelings... to approach them with reason... sometimes there is nothing to analyze... just feel it, it will go away.

[xanodel]

I think an issue you have is a tendency to assume a lot. Usually those assumptions go in the way of negativity.

What I would suggest is before doing something you normally find challenging, list mentally everything that could go wrong. Then close your eyes, visualize everything going smoothly, count to ten, take a deep breath and just do it. More likely than not those horrible negative assumptions you had won't happen. Probably because you overthought the issue.

Also, probably mentioned before, go based on your own values. You stress out a lot on dating-trust me, high school dating is not that great. Neither you nor her will be emotionally mature, stable etc, and many high school relationships do not last. More than six months at my high school would be considered a long record.

As for non-competitive things, think about art. If you find chess too intense, try go (also known as weichi or baduk, check out gobase.org)-it's difficult, intricate, and does take time and dedication, not just talent. Or you can try learning something you've never done before, and approach it as a learning process where you won't have to compete.

[Lrigyttiw]

So find something that you know you know well, and do it.

Mike Brady said this exact thing to Jan Brady, when she was suffering from low self-esteem.... one of my favorite Brady Bunch episodes!

[rahdam]

Hrm. Take up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Its extremely competitive, human chess where the small man can easily beat a bigger man in a definite sense (give up or I'm going to break your arm, I'm going to cut off blood to your brain until you pass out, etc.). The possibilities are endless, and as you spar more, you find what works and does not work, trying (but never achieving) perfection in your own personal style (some guys [myself] love armlocks, other guys swear by a good RNC, etc.)...It's what works for you, and the teachers show you a bunch of techniques, but each individual will usually only find a subset useful in actual combat, although the makeup of that subset varies with each individual.

[John Galt]

As someone who has flitted with depression his entire life:

Go to the store and buy a spiral notebook. Make it into a journal. Write in it every day (this is important! EVERY day! do not allow yourself to skip it). At the end of it, make a rating as to whether or not you would be content to not wake up in the morning (ie would it have been a good day to have been your last day to live). If the answer is "no" find out why and change yourself.

This does wonders for something so simplistic.

[Genuine]

Live in denial and pretend you are god.

[Max T]

Set a small goal to attain within a week, set the plan and celebrate that small achievement. Next, set a larger goal over one month, mindful of your new found frustration that the previous goal was minor. Finally set a hairy, audacious goal to achieve within the next decade. Very fulfilling to know that every day you are making steps to achieving a key goal.


Try out an Anthony Robbins cd or book. Cynics may say it’s merely feel good sentiment, but it exploits the fact that there is a system feedback between you and your environment- if you feel happy, you attract happiness. This system feedback can manifest itself to result in extreme positive/ negative behaviours and attitudes.
The reason for this is that your new perspective will distort reality by filtering out the data that is not ‘happy’, people will feel that emotion when they’re with you… over time you will develop a reputation for that attribute you desire and then your mental state will impact your physiology- happy people have said creases on their faces, confident people have non-rounded shoulders etc.
From the above paragraph, substitute ‘happy’ with any attribute you desire and the effect will be the same. for more on this, look up “be do have” paradigm on the net.


“I once complained because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet”.
(Please tell me Fej that you have feet!!).
Based on this quotation, help out someone less fortunate than you.
They’ll love you for it, you’ll recognise your good fortune in this world and such empathic actions will jolt you out of self pity.


Use our assumed INTJ powers of self- awareness by moving out of your body and looking down at this guy who’s hit a little rough patch in life and, whilst in this ‘outer body thinking’, tell yourself not to take everything so seriously- cut some slack and listen to this
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[Zeroangelmk1]

If you are an INTJ, you should not allow emotional reactionaries to rule you.
You are a king on the board, not a pawn, or rook.
Your lessers will attemp to pull you down.
Even your own kind, will try to subgagate you.
Remember you are the future of your speices, they are the past.
Use your strengths, strengthen you weaknesses, and rule them all!
Yeah but thats a bad analogy because kings can only move one space, so if you lose all your other pieces than you can easily get trapped in between the enemy's more mobile pieces. Haha.

Seriously though, you're right. Most people will try to drag you down to their level if they see you flying higher than they do, or attempting to do so. Everyone's got ego and most people actively use it to advance their own self-esteem at the expense of others. Its not always the case though, if you know enough people, you have allies whether you realize it or not -- at certain times they can turn into enemies, but they're there right? I recall going to my hometown for my birthday, and my sister threw a party on my behalf -- well everyone I knew, even my acquaintainces were wishing me a happy birthday and I got cards and small gifts from people who werent my friends but rather liked me despite my distant, aloof manner.

I too struggle with issues of self-esteem. To me its more the feeling of being powerless and ineffectual, and forgetting about my strengths -- and this is reinforced by my ego (fear-state) which in itself is competing for self esteem. For one, the OP has the strength of honesty, and i've noticed this about many INTJ's, even my last girlfriend who was an INTJ.

I read once "Push. If it hurts, good" Its not hard to grasp the meaning behind that, we all have to take our risks and purposely endure discomfort or anxiety, even if its to gain a temporary and tenuous grasp on our self esteem. Right? The cost of owning our own lives is a high one indeed.

My own mission this summer is to reach out and make friends with acquiantainces I know and have things in common with -- and have already made steps to connect with them. It might not work out in the end, but hey, anything is better than being 'here', right?

[notoppings]

Low self esteem is something that has to be endured until you get out of school and into your own place. You will build esteem when you are faced with the challenges of life, basic survival skills, supporting your self. Then you will see how well you do and have justification to feel pride in your accomplishments. It's hard to build esteem when everything is given to you.

If you don't want to wait till then do as others have said give of your self give your time perform random acts of kindness with out expecting gratitude. Knowing that you have done your best for others selflessly is empowering.

[Monte314]

It's natural to believe that we nurture our wounded self-image the same way we nurture a stubbed toe: by holding it, treating it, coddling it... that is, by making our pain the center of our attention.

But, I think feelings follow facts. If you want to feel good, do good. If you want to feel better about yourself, turn your attention and effort outword and nurture someone else.

When you reach down to give a hand up to someone weaker, you are both strengthened.

[Provoker]

I have a very low self esteem, how can I improve it?

I recommend the following: Sex, fitness, accomplishment, an activity that involves you dominating another (could be tennis, boxing, chess, debating, etc), get a haircut. I think any of those is a good start if you want immediate results.

[wolf]

Increase your low self esteem? Why would you wish to have a lower self-esteem?

[Zeroangelmk1]

It's natural to believe that we nurture our wounded self-image the same way we nurture a stubbed toe: by holding it, treating it, coddling it... that is, by making our pain the center of our attention.

But, I think feelings follow facts. If you want to feel good, do good. If you want to feel better about yourself, turn your attention and effort outword and nurture someone else.

When you reach down to give a hand up to someone weaker, you are both strengthened.
I think this is a very profound statement, for the very reason why many go into personal development, they nurture their insecurities (I do this too) and want to find out everything that is wrong with them. When the answer is not within. Its outside of ones self.

Thats just my random thought on the matter!

[HAL]

i think the solution is different for everyone. for me, focusing on other people did not make me feel better about myself in any lasting way.
i know it sounds selfish and i've been accused of being that before.
but the turnaround didn't start to happen until i distilled down who i was and what was really important to me personally. first i had to accept that this was the way i am and the way it was going to be and there was little i could do to change it. this made me stop wasting effort on things that weren't going to budge. then ultimately i started to realize that there was little anyone could do to hurt me in any way that really mattered. any beating i received short of physical was inconsequential. if my ego got blown to shreds it didn't matter. i had as much power to inflict the same on others. the final and biggest breakthrough happened when (after years of examination and testing) i analyzed what was holding me back from achieving the things i wanted to achieve. that was what was really important to me anyway. once i started moving toward an accomplishment in an effective manner i couldn't go back to how i felt about myself before.

[volk]

"Every day in every way I'm getting better and better" - it's true whether you like it or not.

[dandylion]

I think this is a very profound statement, for the very reason why many go into personal development, they nurture their insecurities (I do this too) and want to find out everything that is wrong with them. When the answer is not within. Its outside of ones self.

Thats just my random thought on the matter!

I agree. We shouldn't dwell on the negatives for too long. I used to do that and tried to nitpick at everything that was wrong with me, especially when I had nothing better to do. It made me feel terrible and very depressed, like I was worthless and my life was meaningless. Eventually I realized there was no use in waddling in darkness like that. I think people with self-esteem feel like they're helpless and they can't change anything, but in reality everyone can take matters into his own hands. Everything is fixable. Everything can be manipulated.

And like many people posted before, you should try doing something to keep busy and take your mind off your own issues. I suggest getting involved in something that matters, where you can make a difference and make the world a better place. You will feel good about helping out and you'll feel accomplished, too.
Do volunteer work and help out the community (tutor kids [my personal favorite], lend a hand at your local humane society/animal shelter, help build houses for Habitat for Humanity, etc); you could meet some of the greatest, friendliest people while doing this. Or you could be like me and help get your favorite candidate get elected for city council in your district; it may not be your cup of tea, but it's another great opportunity to meet great people, and I personally enjoy being involved in local politics. Just do something that makes you happy and that you can have self-pride in. Take initiative... It's your life.

[zoophilia]

If you want to increase your self-esteem I would recommend constantly putting yourself into situations in which you can succeed. Once you have succeeded in your daily life over and over for a period of several months then the associations that you have built up over the years between yourself and failure will have begun to dissipate and the idea that life is not impossibly difficult will begin to change.

[foroneonly]

Good advice changos. You're probably right that I have too much time available, I just don't have anything fun to do plus I don't manage my time well.

I just have a question,

Can you give me examples of the kind of entertainment you name (No goals, no winning, just fun)? And does video games fit in this category?


I really don't think video games are the best form of escapism or mindless entertainment unless you do them with other people. Sometimes I'll play just so I can distract myself but if you get to immersed in a game I think it can negate the necessity to get out there and deal with your problems with yourself. If you have low self esteem it is a problem with your outlook on yourself and that has to be addresssed and ignoring the problem won't make it any better. I think isolation usually only exacerbates depression/low self esteem.

[Agile]

I see where you're coming from on video games, but mental judgments exacerbate depression/lse. One can be isolated and perfectly happy. It's not being alone, necessarily, unless the mind says, "oh, I'm so lonely, I wish I had someone to hang out with," then it becomes 'depression' and 'suffering.' I put these in quotes because the whole thing is in our minds. There's a quote that goes something like, people who do not have enough to eat do not have time to be depressed. It's true, they dont' have time to 'suffer emotionally,' because emotionally they are focused on feeding themselves, or even just focused on being hungry and physically miserable.

My suggestions...I would suggest both changing your standards and your outlook. Outlook change by focusing on positives. A lot have said this. It is true, and in the INTJ way, one can distinguish between neutral (1/2 air/water) negative (1/2 empty) and positive (1/2 full).

Changing your standards helps you get what you need. If you need people to hang out with, hang out with anyone, just anyone at all to have someone to hang out with. When you get comfortable hanging out you will feel better about life and you will attract people to you.

You may not want to do things because they are not perfect. But if only they were...doing these things would make you happy, give you things to look forward to...this is where changing your standards really works. Once you believe that getting what you want will satisfy you even if you don't get exactly what you want, you will give yourself permission to go after it, and you will give yourself permission to enjoy it.

Low self esteem has (a lot!) to do with not giving yourself permission to appreciate your life. People are mostly happy where they are, all the time, and are unhappy when they focus on what they do not have, or focus on how they are not this or that. People with high self esteem either do not think about what they have, or who they are, or they think highly of it. You simply need to remember that everything about you is positive, and believe it. How you get to that is an individual task. You can do it.

[beverly penn]

you have as much of a right to live and do what you want as anybody else.

I think the key to it is not letting fear overcome you. Being afraid is a good thing - it's part of life and if it wasn't there, nothing would be half as fun.

Go outside your comfort zone and stay there for a while. If it is easy and painless, you are doing it wrong. But you'll eventually loosen up about it and give yourself the credit you deserve.

[Xaverious]

I have struggled with low self esteem for years now and have gotten alot better. I strongly suggest going to therapy and reading the books by Nathaniel Branden and Albert Ellis, authorities on the subject. Self esteem is a choice and a set of principles which you can learn and practice. Good luck.

Sorry for typos or grammatical errors, English is my second language.

[Exponential]

A lot of good suggestions already.

One i didn't see mentioned - Put some effort into your personal appearance.

Why? The typical INTJ way seems to be "I don't care about superficial stuff like that".

Sure, that's one way to deal with the world, but consider this.

Next time you are out and walking along the street, look at all of the people around you. Just by appearance, what conclusions might you come to about all those people, and how they present themselves?

Imagine two people:

The first person is morbidly obese, looks scruffy and has not put any effort into how they look, maybe has a sad expression on their face.

Imagine the second person, someone who is dressed well, stylish, obviously put's some effort into their appearance, and probably has a smile on their face too!

Now for those two people, imagine what might be happening in their live's right now? Might you enjoy a conversation with either of those people? How nice do you think that person is? If both of those people came and spoke to you, which one would you try to get away from or keep the conversation polite and short with, and which one would you like to stay and chat to?

How you present yourself has a massive impact on how other people treat you.

You internalise how others treat you, positively or negatively, and that can have a big impact on how you see yourself.

So, go shopping. Find some nice clothes that fit you and look good on you. You don't have to spend a lot of money to get something that looks good. Take a female friend who you think dresses herself well with you for style advice. Get a hair cut. Shave. make sure your shoes are clean. If you are overweight lose weight, and if you are too thin, eat protein and try bodybuilding to add a bit of muscle.

Knowing you look good when you go out in the morning has a massive effect on how you feel and how you interact with the world for the rest of the day.

Just add smiles :) and your set!

[Freak87]

get to know Jesus

[Fej]

get to know Jesus

No thanks.

[underdog]

It's great that you are aware of yourself and want to improve yourself. I had low self-esteem for years, but was ignorant of the fact. Then after I realized I had low self-esteem I still wandered around lost for some time. Well I'm still working on it, but compared to how I was a few years ago, I can definitely say I'm a completely different person. Confidence changes everything...

Anyway, the way to increase self-esteem is to do what you want. Live your life the way you want to. Of course this isn't as easy as it sounds. It's so much more complex than that cuz first you have to understand yourself and your goals. And that only comes with life experience and maturity. So all I can say is go out more, expose yourself to the world, and take every opportunity that comes your way. Just be busy and do stuff.

And don't just do stuff cuz you feel obligated to. Do it cuz you like it.

Also get good at some hobbies. Talent increases self-worth.

[zibber]

Knowing you look good when you go out in the morning has a massive effect on how you feel and how you interact with the world for the rest of the day.


No offense, but that effect only goes for those who are firmly attached to body-image. It's true that some effort to adhere to the most common conventions is convenient in the sense that you'll bypass irritating comments that might affect your mood, but advising an insecure person to worry more about their appearance is not cool :)

And about smiling.. I think I'm not the only INTJ who gets a lot of comments about appearing sad or too serious, but it's just my default expression!

[Exponential]

No offense, but that effect only goes for those who are firmly attached to body-image. It's true that some effort to adhere to the most common conventions is convenient in the sense that you'll bypass irritating comments that might affect your mood, but advising an insecure person to worry more about their appearance is not cool :)

none taken.... the thread was not opened with "I have low self esteem because X,Y,Z", it was just "I have low self esteem". There was absolutely no specification as to attachment of body image or not. "different strokes for different folks". Number one priority on his list should undoubtly be learning to value the good parts of himself, maybe with the help of a therapist. I concur that focusing entirely on body image would be totally inappropriate (and ineffective).

As part of a wider strategy of self esteem and personal growth as he learns to accept himself more, personal presentation and body language should be given some consideration and thus it remains an entirely valid suggestion. I have a friend who lost nearly 100lb and his self esteem, energy levels and happyness are through the roof and now he is getting married, so it clearly does work for some people. If he had only been told "its ok, just accept yourself" (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.) I really doubt he would be in the good place that he is in today.

In order to become a balanced and whole person I believe you must be able to take care of all areas of your life.

[Iveyrockstar]

Low self-esteem is not to be confused with low confidence. High self-esteem is really an irrational thing, unless you have shown that you are above average as a person, and therefore worthy of high self-esteem. What most people call "low self-esteem" is simply a good sense of reality.

Once you have made great achievements, or distinguished yourself, you have reason for high self-esteem. But that gets dangerously close to cockiness, which usually leads to a self-esteem crash when you fail. That might be called depression when it happens. So low-to-moderate self-esteem with a good grip on reality is a more stable, and ultimately a happier state.

Confidence is another issue, since it involves specific situations and your belief in your ability to handle them. Confidence is good when it is correctly placed. So find something that you know you know well, and do it. Choose a field, and excel, and the confidence will follow. A good dose of humility to go with it will make you a very well-balanced person in your outlook. Good luck.
Well stated... It begs the question to be asked of a person who thinks they may be an INTJ: Am I really? Also age, availability of resources and social situations/daily environment should be given consideration, but generally speaking I think once you reach a certain mark intellectually you don't bother to worry about "self-esteem". You just know who you are and find yourself confident in the knowledge sets and logic systems you have built up over time. "Self-esteem" is for shrinks and those who have time to ponder their inner feelings. I personally dont have time for all that "do I hug my inner child enough?" crap... I guess INTJ chicks could be different though.

[kevintr]

I had low self-esteem when I was younger. Alot of my problem was I used a destructive amount of drugs.

I started going to A.A., one of there cleches was "Our drinking was just a symptom". In other words once you quit drinking you have to get rid of your charicter defects, at least the worst ones. So I started to look for aspects of my personality I didn't like and started training them out of me.

Imapatience is a simple example, I was very impatient. I commuted to school and if you were on the interstate going less than 85 and I couldent pass you I would tailgate you till you got out of my way.

I started doing things to cultivate patience, like obaying the speed limit all the time, and picking the longist line at the store if I didn't relly have to get somewhere. One day awile later I suddenly reilized I was no longer just acting patient, I actually was. I changed an aspect of myself I felt was wrong so no longer felt bad about it, and I felt good because I had changed myself.

[kitkatsavvy]

Why would you want to increase your low self esteem?

...but seriously. Do this.

1) Count your fingers and thumbs
2) Count your hands.
3) Count your arms and legs.
4) Count your eyes.
5) Do you have somewhere to sleep at night?
6) Do you have food to eat?

If the answers are

1) 10
2) 2
3) 4
4) 2
5) Yes
6) Yes

Then you have very little to actually complain about.


i am sorry but no matter how many times someone tries to pull this argument - it can never work!

if you keep thinking this is the case, then you will think that your problems don't mean anything compared to someone with a supposed "real" physical or shelterless problem...this is saying that ie..when i was psychotic that i shouldnt deserve any help because i can walk and talk and have a roof over my head...yeah that may be true but my brain eventually crashed to a holt after running so fast with 24/7 uncontrollable suicidal thoughts and panic disorder that i was probably going to kill myself i didnt get the right help!

just becuase you can't "see" a problem, it doesnt mean there ISNT a problem or that it doesnt "deserve" any sympathy because i am physically ok...BAH to you!

in your case, i would rather have one leg and be living on the streets because to YOU, i would have a "real" problem...

you are very BLIND in your judgement and you really should consider the MIND too! it is just as powerful even MORE powerful than the body when it is sick!

PLEASE consider people like me who have been mentally sick before... *i really hate this argument that you present ALL the time*

[Fej]

Good point KitKat, I had the same thoughts when I saw him say that but was too lazy to reply. Comments like that one are comments made by my parents, how stupid they are.

[SimplyOtter]

Don't forget how arbitrary that ultimately is, though. Whether everyone likes you or no one does, you are you. How is the amount of people that like you relevant to your self esteem? What if I killed everyone who might like you, would that actually make you a worse person? What makes anyone a worse person? What if I sought out people who might admire you and surrounded you with them, would that suddenly make you better somehow?

My remedy for low self esteem is reminding myself how arbitrary labels of worth are. The only ways you can achieve an estimation of your so called worth, whatever the F that means, are either tautological (by comparing your true self to your true personal preferences, which should lead to no contradictions) or socially dependent (by comparing yourself to others, which only leads to the depressing affirmation of conventions). Both seem quite ridiculous.

Well.. basically I'm preaching apathy towards certain concepts. I've just stopped seeing their worth, for lack of a better term.

I'm with you, Jarno, 100%.
I'm trying to focus neither on who I am (labelling myself), or how others see me (others labels), but on who I want to be. They say that eventually you'll find out that who you want to be is who you have always been, don't they?
The more I feel close to that, the more confident i feel.
Hope this will help, Fej.

[Perseus]

I have a very low self esteem, how can I improve it?

Thanks

Hello,

I have been looking into this problem for personal reasons. I came up with an answer put on this page:It is not specified on the following page so I will extract the information from David Keirsey's book on page 183:

Rationals NT: Ingenious, Autonomous, Resolute
Artisans SP: Artistic, Audacious, Adaptable
Guardians SJ: Dependable, Beneficent, Respectable
Idealists NF: Empathic, Benevolent, Authentic.

In the outside world, I have called this sorting out the psycho-social problems. e.g. to be autonomous usually needs more dosh. Not so easy.

[Bandit]

Get one of those carnival mirrors that distorts things and makes them larger than they appear... place it face up on the coffee table.. stand over it and pull out your peter... Now stare at your giant peter in the mirror....

I know we have already covered basically this same issue on a different thread in which I told you to stop, being a jackass and go out and enjoy life...

Previous thread title was "I don't like me"..

[Seppuku Savant]

get to know Jesus

lol J-e-s-u-s is definitely the answer to all of your problems in life. Just pop open a can of Jesus, and let all your thoughts fade away.

[BallentineChen]

Low self-esteem is not to be confused with low confidence. High self-esteem is really an irrational thing, unless you have shown that you are above average as a person, and therefore worthy of high self-esteem. What most people call "low self-esteem" is simply a good sense of reality.

Once you have made great achievements, or distinguished yourself, you have reason for high self-esteem. But that gets dangerously close to cockiness, which usually leads to a self-esteem crash when you fail. That might be called depression when it happens. So low-to-moderate self-esteem with a good grip on reality is a more stable, and ultimately a happier state.

Confidence is another issue, since it involves specific situations and your belief in your ability to handle them. Confidence is good when it is correctly placed. So find something that you know you know well, and do it. Choose a field, and excel, and the confidence will follow. A good dose of humility to go with it will make you a very well-balanced person in your outlook. Good luck.

This is the first time I read anything that articulated the difference between self-esteem and confidence. In this case, I have low self-esteem and high confidence.

[Keith]

Anwser: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I hope this isn't against the rules wrt adversitements, but, well, you asked, and it's done a lot for my self-esteem.