Shy INTJ with relationship problem, please help, both NFs and NTs

[brettsnyder]

I am currently very interested in a certain girl, but I have very bad social skills and I am very shy with girls, so I can't act on those feelings very well. I am no good at typing, but she seems to be either an ESFJ or a ENFJ, or less likely, an INFJ or INFP. As an INTJ, I lack people-skills, and i was hoping somebody/anybody could help me make a plan to kinda tell her/reveal to her that I like her. Thanks!

[Scantilyclad]

Is there any way that you could possibly email her to tell her?

[Vivid]

Yes. Maybe ask for her Email if it's any easier.

[Scantilyclad]

or perhaps IM her? i find it easier to talk to people online. I also lack people skills. :(

[brettsnyder]

I appreciate your input, but I don't know, I wouldn't want to make a big e-mail message and express every detail about my feelings for her, you know. I can't imagine she would be comfortable with that. We hardly know each other, she might not have a clue as to whom I am, honestly. If that helps...
In any case, your idea is better than my no ideas, so thanks. I can't think of any other real good plans, I'm horrible at this stuff.

[Edit] Sorry, I didn't see the post about the IM. :embarassed: That is a good idea, I'll take it into consideration. Anyone else willing, pour in your insight, please! :thumbsup:

[Scantilyclad]

I would approach her casually with an IM, and possibly try to get to know her a bit better before you express every detail about your feelings, you don't want to scare her away.

[brettsnyder]

Ok. So if I was to IM her, would saying something like this in the first (or first few) message(s) be alright?: "Hello. I know you might not really know who I am, and I really don't mean to come on too strong, but I do know who you are, and to be honest, I like you a lot, from what I know about you. I was hoping maybe we could get to know each other, and see if maybe you could like me."
Is that OK, or coming on too strong?
I really appreciate the help.

[Vivid]

I wouldn't worry so much about it. Relax. Keep in mind that it might or might not work out. If she's right for you, you shouldn't have to jump through extra hoops or change the way you act. I try to approach people who interest me in the same way I approach others.
I also have a suggestion for combating nervousness. Being nervous is a natural reaction to a fear of the unknown or lacking control, no? If you can convince yourself that you're confident and have total control over a situation, you might not feel as nervous. I don't know how that works on everyone, but it sure does wonders for me. =)

[Parallel]

Ok. So if I was to IM her, would saying something like this in the first (or first few) message(s) be alright?: "Hello. I know you might not really know who I am, and I really don't mean to come on too strong, but I do know who you are, and to be honest, I like you a lot, from what I know about you. I was hoping maybe we could get to know each other, and see if maybe you could like me."
Is that OK, or coming on too strong?
I really appreciate the help.

No. Definitely don't say anything revealing explicitly that you like her unless you know for a fact that she is also interested. That will only scare away or freak out the girl and make her think you are weird; it's just the way most girls work. I don't think you should IM her unless you have spoken to her in person a few times and are pretty well acquainted, otherwise she might just dismiss you as a creep or a stalker.

Just try and observe her to see what her interests are and casually strike up a conversation about a subject. Don't think too hard about it, most girls aren't interested in guys that don't seem too dopey and eager about them. It's all about taking it a little slower than you want to; as INTJ's we tend to be too intense too soon, we have to remember that in "normal" society we have to follow the little social rituals that build up to something bigger in order to more easily obtain what we want.

[brettsnyder]

I wouldn't worry so much about it. Relax. Keep in mind that it might or might not work out. If she's right for you, you shouldn't have to jump through extra hoops or change the way you act. I try to approach people who interest me in the same way I approach others.
I also have a suggestion for combating nervousness. Being nervous is a natural reaction to a fear of the unknown or lacking control, no? If you can convince yourself that you're confident and have total control over a situation, you might not feel as nervous. I don't know how that works on everyone, but it sure does wonders for me. =)

You're right. I am actually not nervous, rather very cautious, but your point is seen. If it works, it works, if not, then it doesn't work. But I'll do what I can to make it work. I appreciate the feedback, all, please keep it coming!

[Scantilyclad]

Ok. So if I was to IM her, would saying something like this in the first (or first few) message(s) be alright?: "Hello. I know you might not really know who I am, and I really don't mean to come on too strong, but I do know who you are, and to be honest, I like you a lot, from what I know about you. I was hoping maybe we could get to know each other, and see if maybe you could like me."
Is that OK, or coming on too strong?
I really appreciate the help.

yeah i think thats coming on a bit too strong, especially the part about " but i do know who you are" that sounds almost....stalker-ish. Try to just start a conversation with her. Saying Hello is a good start. Find out what she likes to do, and what makes her happy, and perhaps you could share the same information with her. Make her comfortable before you move in for the kill.

[brettsnyder]

Yes, I guess that does sound rather stalkery.
So maybe something more like "Hello. I know we don't know each other well, but I think it'd be nice to get to know each other."
Is that better, or worse?

[Scantilyclad]

I would say that is definitely better.

[brettsnyder]

Yeah, it looks better
It is better, but can it maybe be improved?

Thanks for the help, you guys, it'll be very useful, I'm sure.
But still, anybody willing, please lend me your insights if it is not a problem :)

[Genuine]

Try asking. Chat it up. If you can't do that, then sucks for you.

[Noehelia]

How old are you? Do you have mutual acquaintances? Is there any chance that she has an account on Facebook or MySpace or something similar?
Personally I wouldn't like to approach me with a line like this, it is like hitting me and I would take my defense stance.
If she has a public account somewhere then it is very easy, you just send her a message that you recognized her and you are in the same neighborhood or school and etc. If she doesn't then it would be nice if you have a mutual friend that you can convince him when IM him to invite her in the conversation, so then you can tell her casually hello and start little chats.

[fonmaneal]

I think you may wish to try some tests first. Perhaps try to meet 10 other female. This is your first test group. Approch them each in different ways, take note on the what you did and their reaction(afterward, not during). That way you will have a better understanding of how to meet her with a better chance of success. And who knows you might like one of the test group better anyway. Well just a thought.

[Motor Jax]

that's not the best idea, i feel

if she sees you hanging around other chicks, it would probably drive her away



i'd say, just go up to her and wrap your arm across her shoulder and lean over into her ear and compliment on how she looks, what you like about her, how radiant she makes your day





i'm sure you'll win points better than if you were to "test" your technique on other chicks

of course, if you do that, you might end up with some hottie that thinks you're totally hot, but probably one of those psycho-stalker types that cut herself or something



like i say, there is always on alternative

[Noehelia]

that's not the best idea, i feel

if she sees you hanging around other chicks, it would probably drive her away



i'd say, just go up to her and wrap your arm across her shoulder and lean over into her ear and compliment on how she looks, what you like about her, how radiant she makes your day





i'm sure you'll win points better than if you were to "test" your technique on other chicks

of course, if you do that, you might end up with some hottie that thinks you're totally hot, but probably one of those psycho-stalker types that cut herself or something



like i say, there is always on alternative

Wow, I had exactly the opposite opinion when I read the suggestion of testing with other girls first. My thought was that it would raise the chances of winning the girl. Ok, maybe seeing a guy hitting in every girl he meets would drive me away but if I see a guy that is comfortable with other girls and other girls like him that would be an indication that he has some qualities that I might like too.

On the suggestion of going and wrap your arm around her shoulder, I would freak out if I was the girl. I do not like strangers to enter my personal zone or touch me. And I loath hitting lines, while I adore sincere compliments. A hitting line is something that you have already thought and practiced, so it seems to me that this guy can tell it to every girl he sees and is not addressing me particular. A sincere compliment is something that comes out that moment like passing by from a girl that is laughing, stop, look at her eyes and tell her "Oh, you are so beautiful when you are happy" and go away. That is something that I would remember for years.

[Motor Jax]

yeah, sincere moments last a long time

but by flooding a chick with emotions also isn't the best course of action. believe me

i've tried it, and the outcome was waayyyyy more disastrous that just being nervous


but over the years (i'm 29, going on 40), and after 2 divorces, i've learned quite a bit about being pretty smooth with the ladies

of course, not saying that it works all the time, but i've never really been outright dejected or slapped or anything


it's more of a comfort zone though, and once you find your niche, you should be good


and then, there is always the straight-to-the-point method (ie. hey, i think you are the most attractive lady i've seen and i like you), and maybe a smile... and after a few seconds for her to comprehend what just happened, kinda walk away then look back and smile again... letting her know you see the big picture, but she's the focus point


but everything is in your hands, and all we can give here is advise

it's only up to the individual to be strong

[brettsnyder]

OK. Thanks everyone, I think I might have it figured out. The help has been appreciated and I'm sure it will be useful. Thanks.

[theatresk8]

I know this is TOTALLY hard, but I don't think telling her virtually is a very good idea at all. I'm introverted too, and even an extrovert sees and appreciates when an introvert steps out of his/her box expressing that you care. Care comes across, even if you don't SAY it in the most eloquent manner. And even if you think you're looking like an idiot, you're totally NOT. She'll think its totally adorable. ;D Trust me--from personal experience, I know this to be true. :thumbsup:

[44sunsets]

No. Definitely don't say anything revealing explicitly that you like her unless you know for a fact that she is also interested. That will only scare away or freak out the girl and make her think you are weird; it's just the way most girls work. I don't think you should IM her unless you have spoken to her in person a few times and are pretty well acquainted, otherwise she might just dismiss you as a creep or a stalker.

Parallel dispenses excellent advice.

[rahdam]

As an INTJ, I lack people-skills...

I think this is a huge misconception, that can best be summed up as correlation != causality. While its true that many INTJs do not have good social skills, for lack of a better term, it is not simply the fact that you are an INTJ that renders you such. Do not let your type classification dictate your individuality.

From my own experience, I would avoid online communication. In particular, if you do not know the girl, I suggest you interact directly. You will be able to read her as the talk progresses, and will gain a great deal of information about her intents and any potential compatibility between the two of you; correct me if I am wrong, but when you say you like this girl but she does not know who you are, it sounds like infatuation.

So, with regard to the infatuation bit:
1. If it is infatuation, to the point that you only want physical intimacy, I can almost guarantee that it will be significantly easier to "connect" with her in a real setting.
2. If it is not infatuation, then you will gain a great deal more of information about any relationship potential if you connect with her in a real setting.

P.S. Connect with her in a real setting :p

[errrzarrr]

Just keep it light, man. Relax and don't go too strong. Forget talking about feelings, just talk about simple normal things.





errrzarrr added to this post, 11 minutes and 39 seconds later...

Yes, I guess that does sound rather stalkery.
So maybe something more like "Hello. I know we don't know each other well, but I think it'd be nice to get to know each other."
Is that better, or worse? Yeah Man you have the idea! That's a lot better.

and remember ...the best conversationist are not those that talk a lot but those who listen.

[ElstonGunn]

I think this is a huge misconception, that can best be summed up as correlation != causality. While its true that many INTJs do not have good social skills, for lack of a better term, it is not simply the fact that you are an INTJ that renders you such.

There's also the question of exactly which "social skills" a person might lack. There's a huge difference, for example, between lacking the skill of not coming off as a rude SOB, versus being polite and more or less nice, but not exactly being the world's greatest conversationalist. A quiet person and a jackass both lack social skills, but they're not likely to have the same problems for the same reasons as each other.

[AJB]

I'd have to go with Errrzarr on this. Just keep it light. If you've never spoken to this person before, try an easy open like "Hi, How's it going?" if you think about it smile too.

Then, perhaps transition into generic "small talk" about something simple like the weather or something relevant to the current situation/environment. I try to keep it simple and use the small talk to get a feel for the person and their reaction to me.

After practicing small talk (and listening) for some time (with several different people along the lines of what Zalcor mentioned), I've finally been able to pick up on points of interest that lead to more fulfilling conversations about topics which the other party is more passionate about. I find that moving these conversations is more enjoyable and I allow myself to become more comfortable during the conversation.

Above all, what has helped me is overcome the exact issues described in the opening post is to think of the girl as a regular person that I'm just conversing with rather than focusing on how intensely I'm attracted to her.

[Erika Redmark]

Do you know anything about her interests or hobbies? That would be something to talk about, too, especially if any of them are similar to yours. Also, if you share any classes to discuss or commiserate about, that might be a conversation starter or continuer as well.

[changos]

Think of it as a movie, a quest, but not a mission. Also think on what would you like to tell to your kids on how you won her heart. Embrace the adventure, feel shy? enjoy the feeling, feel alive.

[replicant]

Sounds like you are getting some good advice. Even if we are INTJs it doesn't mean we can't learn from the other personality types. I believe in observation but be careful looking like a stalker. I think the quickest way with people is to quiz them about themselves and become interested in who they are. Approach with not telling them about yourself (don't come off self centered) but with geniune interest in them. Finding a common interest to start off your conversation helps a lot.

I snagged my husband because I stepped outside myself and actively approached him.

Age helps with things. I am more assertive with my heart that if I didn't have a husband, I would probably leap into action more now than I would have at 16. At some point, fear just isn't a mind killer anymore.

[Vertigo]

My girlfriend is ESFJ, try to get to know her 1 on 1, stay away from social events but do whatever you can for her, be there for her, do unexpected things. Try to show her that you can be fun and if you do it while 1 on 1 you'll be more relaxed.

[brettsnyder]

Thanks for all the advice, I think I have a decent plan thought out now. I appreciate it. I do have a general idea of some of her hobbies, and I'm definetely going to talk to her in the real world. I know it's not simple physical attraction, I've been through that, and this certainly seems much more... worthy, I suppose.

Again thanks for the advice.

[sriv]

Try to find similar interests. The relationship will develop faster than expected.

[catd]

Walk right up to her and compliment her on something that she spent time on but no one else probably noticed, smile, then walk off. If you do it right, she will be pleased and surprised. Next time you see her after that, ask her out.


Good luck!