How long does it normally take you to 'get over' someone?

[Antares]

I don't seem to have 'gotten over' the ENTP I obsessed over. I've liked him since 2005 and told myself I would completely be over him 2007 April. Now it's April of 2008, and it's still not 'over'.

Do you usually take a long time to get over an ex-loved one?
If yes, how long?
Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?

[rwyatt365]

By the time I have determined to part company with someone I am functionally "over" them. When they (or I) have walked out the door, it's over. In college, my nickname was "Slasher" because I when I cut someone loose, they were CUT LOOSE.

[DrEast]

Yes, I get over people, but only if that ex-loved one is dating someone I know or I start dating someone else. Once one of those happens it takes about a week of pretty fierce pain and then it's all good... surprisingly good, really.

Otherwise I just think about them a lot until one of those two events starts the "get over them" process.

[Mafiaangel180]

It's so much easier to get over someone when they're an ass. Luckily, most of the men I've known were d-bags. The ones I've had a hard time getting over were usually the ones who didn't give me a real reason for going. I mean seriously....knock someone up would ya?! Do a girl a favor!!

[Pinkie]

By the time I have determined to part company with someone I am functionally "over" them. When they (or I) have walked out the door, it's over. In college, my nickname was "Slasher" because I when I cut someone loose, they were CUT LOOSE.


I'm the same - although without the slightly murderous-sounding nickname. My friends were all astonished when I wasn't that bothered after my ex broke up with me, but to me the relationship was over, he had said something I wasn't expecting and broken the spell and so there was no cause for me to be upset.

[Doppelbock]

Approximately 1 nanosecond.

[Zilal]

My last relationship lasted 9 months and I suppose it took me a few months to get over, but another half a year before I felt like being in a relationship again.

[azelismia]

I am like Dr East in this regard with shorter relationships anyway. I don't know if I ever fully got over my ex husband though. that was an 11 year relationship. intellectually, I know he was a scareball and I am much better off without... but still.. the reason I went from seattle to florida, is so that I wouldn't change my mind and go back to him. He found someone else which stifled all possibilities of getting back together, but emotionally completely adn totally over him.. not really.

[PortInStorm]

I take forever to get over someone if I've really attached, and that only has happened twice, maybe 3x. The first was in high school, and I finally got rid of it when I wrote him (just a casual letter), and his response was so ho-hum and benign that it broke the heartache spell.

The last one I'm still not over, and it's been over a decade. For me, I treat it like a loss. No one ever expects you to forget someone who's died, the pain comes and recedes in cycles. Just part of my life.

And I don't think it means I made a mistake in choosing my husband, just that I ALSO love this person.

[Motor Jax]

it takes me awhile

my X2 took me about 2 1/2 years to get over

over 2 1/2 of celibacy
2 1/2 years of hard drinking and smoking
2 1/2 years of pure mental and emotional torture

[azelismia]

I take forever to get over someone if I've really attached, and that only has happened twice, maybe 3x. The first was in high school, and I finally got rid of it when I wrote him (just a casual letter), and his response was so ho-hum and benign that it broke the heartache spell.

The last one I'm still not over, and it's been over a decade. For me, I treat it like a loss. No one ever expects you to forget someone who's died, the pain comes and recedes in cycles. Just part of my life.

And I don't think it means I made a mistake in choosing my husband, just that I ALSO love this person.


yeah, that's a good metaphor. it's a loss.

[Motor Jax]

yeah, i had a friend that was in a motorcycle accident in mid-Aug 2007

and i still keep thinking about him

he was an ESTP(?) type, and spontaneous

very lively and fun guy to be with

he had gotten out of the navy, and the way i found out was through a mutual friend of ours. i didn't believe it until i pulled up his eulogy on the funeral home site

it was a blow to me, and i was downtrodden that day

it happened on a friday night, and he was to start this promising job with Boeing, repairing aircrafts. what made it worse was that i found out through his g/f that he talked about me all the time


even just the other day, i found myself tthinking about him

he was such an awesome guy

[PortInStorm]

So sorry Jax. It's awful to feel that hole in your life.

[curiousjane]

Do you usually take a long time to get over an ex-loved one?
If yes, how long?
Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?

Antares, if I remember correctly, you're about 15?

I had my first serious crush when I was 14. I still wonder about him sometimes, fondly ... and this is nearly 14 years later. We weren't in love. He didn't even know about how I felt (I crushed from afar). But what I felt was so strong that all it took was to see his jacket hanging on a coat rack, or hear somebody talking about him, or see a piece of artwork he had created, my heart would beat faster. I'd get butterflies in my stomach. When I realized he would never feel the same way about me, and when life moved us both on, I was still thinking about him and writing in my diary about him for several years.

I knew it would never happen, but, no other guy compared to him for another 5 years. And even since then, I've not been quite so enamored as that first, big crush. So no, my mind did not listen.

Ahhhh, young love. :lovestruck:

[TheLastMohican]

Antares, if I remember correctly, you're about 15?

Uh huh, I don't quite understand it either.

[sriv]

My life is based around maximum efficiency. If there is something impeding the max, it is surpressed, thrown in jail, spit on, fed dirt, and smothered into the ground, with very little effort.

Edit: as this is my 666 post, I will quote myself on this when appropriate to do so. I just had to share that. That is also why it has a general bad tone.

[TehBeefah]

It takes me forever. I have to find someone new in order to get over my previous girlfriend or whatever. I'm in that stage now, as I was dumped about a month and a half ago. Just because we're INTJs doesn't mean that we are necessarily cold and heartless. We are just very selective on who we bond with, but if that bond is disrespected, unreturned, or broken, we get quite hurt for a long time. My opinion, anyway.

[cal]

It takes me forever. I have to find someone new in order to get over my previous girlfriend or whatever. I'm in that stage now, as I was dumped about a month and a half ago. Just because we're INTJs doesn't mean that we are necessarily cold and heartless. We are just very selective on who we bond with, but if that bond is disrespected, unreturned, or broken, we get quite hurt for a long time. My opinion, anyway.

Good opinion. I like your indirect approach to dealing with the problem. Find someone to fill in the hole, rather than trying to do it all yourself. As Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

[IgnoranceIsKind]

I was in a 9-month relationship with an ENFP girl, and at that point I thought she was the love of my life. We were only 16 and already we were planning on marrying each other in the years to come (it was not just casual talk; we were dead serious). Yes I admit, it isn't very INTJ like of me to be all lovey-dovey, in fact I myself am quite surprised on how I responded to her actions in this relationship when I think about it now. It seemed that I was the only one who always kept trying to perfect it, or make her happy, all at my own expense.

Well too bad it ended on a very bad note. I still miss her alot and it has been almost a year since we last spoke. I used to think I was being emotionally immature, but it turns out I would become angry whenever the relationship wasn'y in the idealized state I imagined it to be. I found out this was actually an INTJ trait when I looked up the relationships description on mypersonality.info.

The months that followed after our break-up I was crushed and utterly defeated. I got into a relationship with another girl shortly, but it wasn't out of love, but out of spite and a hopeful replacement from my ex. Till now, I still think about her alot and I would still have vivid dreams about her when I sleep.

Whoever said INTJs were deprived of emotions and sensitivity was surely mistaken. Or at least, that would be most untrue in my case.

[Phrixos]

I don't get the bonding feeling. I usually "get over it" at the first sign of something I don't like. That is about the extent of it... I have only had 2 relationships both times ending with me feeling like it was a total waste of my time.

So to answer your question: Probably about 3 seconds after the stunt.

[Antares]

Uh huh, I don't quite understand it either.

A 15 year old with a lovelife :irked: And handsome prospects who are very good friends. It's hard not to.

I get over my 'crushes' relatively easily though. I think to this date, I've only had one serious interest (known for 7, approaching 8 years since we were both kids. Have liked for 3 years and counting), and my ex-boyfriend wasn't one of them. The rest never lasted for more than 6 months. I remember this guy who got my interest for a day then it was over. We're still friends, but I recognized it as platonic interest.

When I realized he would never feel the same way about me, and when life moved us both on, I was still thinking about him and writing in my diary about him for several years.

I used to write when I was angry or depressed, but when writing about him it just seems forced and unnatural. I don't feel comfortable doing that. Don't know why. Every time I look back on what I've written I want to smack myself at how irrational I was.

[curiousjane]

I used to write when I was angry or depressed, but when writing about him it just seems forced and unnatural. I don't feel comfortable doing that. Don't know why. Every time I look back on what I've written I want to smack myself at how irrational I was.

I understand this very well, actually. I chalk it up to two things 1) venting on paper is good for your health, even if you cringe when you look at it later on (and maybe even BECAUSE you will cringe later on ... and remind yourself how to respond now that you've grown as a result of the situation), and 2) teenage years are hell when it comes to figuring yourself, your emotions, and your life out.

It all works out, eventually. I have proof in my diaries. Those crazy, crazy books. (If I ever have a daughter, I'm going to give my diaries to her when she's the same age as I was when I wrote them. Ha ha! Maybe she'll see that I really *do* understand her ...)

[TheLastMohican]

A 15 year old with a lovelife :irked: And handsome prospects who are very good friends. It's hard not to.

But you apparently have been "liking" guys from age 12. Where I come from, most don't even start dating until 16.

But the whole dating scene is foreign to me anyway, so I can't venture to guess what the norms are in Shanghai.

[Antares]

But you apparently have been "liking" guys from age 12. Where I come from, most don't even start dating until 16.

But the whole dating scene is foreign to me anyway, so I can't venture to guess what the norms are in Shanghai.

I've been 'liking' guys from age 9, actually, but it was puppy love; I couldn't care less about it. It's just this:

"It's Cody again (not real name)! She likes him!"

"What? Really?"

"She said just last week: 'The guys suck in my class, but Cody was OK."

"I can't believe she admitted it. She likes someone! Ooooo!" (excited voice)

Seriously. I remember hearing this conversation from fourth grade. It's no big deal thinking back, it was enough to send little fourth graders into hysterics. There isn't a 'norm' in Shanghai; or rather, if there is, my community isn't a part of it. We're quite segregated. We go to school by bus and we come back by bus. We hardly ever go out or talk to any locals. Most of my classmates won't be able to say they really know Shanghai at all (and most have lived here for 5 years or more). But I suppose due to their academic pressure (it's 'enormous'), they won't have time for any of this.

[TheLastMohican]

I've been 'liking' guys from age 9, actually, but it was puppy love; I couldn't care less about it. It's just this:

"It's Cody again (not real name)! She likes him!"

"What? Really?"

"She said just last week: 'The guys suck in my class, but Cody was OK."

"I can't believe she admitted it. She likes someone! Ooooo!" (excited voice)

I find that very annoying to listen to. The truly troubling part about it is that many adults don't mature beyond that. It just transitions into the grown-up gossip network.

Seriously. I remember hearing this conversation from fourth grade. It's no big deal thinking back, it was enough to send little fourth graders into hysterics. There isn't a 'norm' in Shanghai; or rather, if there is, my community isn't a part of it. We're quite segregated. We go to school by bus and we come back by bus. We hardly ever go out or talk to any locals. Most of my classmates won't be able to say they really know Shanghai at all (and most have lived here for 5 years or more). But I suppose due to their academic pressure (it's 'enormous'), they won't have time for any of this.

I'm surprised by how little exposure you have over there. Does that mean you know little of the culture of the locals? Is it all heavily westernized?

(Actually this belongs in my "Daily Life Around the World" thread, wouldn't you agree?)

[Antares]

I find that very annoying to listen to. The truly troubling part about it is that many adults don't mature beyond that. It just transitions into the grown-up gossip network.



I'm surprised by how little exposure you have over there. Does that mean you know little of the culture of the locals? Is it all heavily westernized?

(Actually this belongs in my "Daily Life Around the World" thread, wouldn't you agree?)

That said, it's very rare for a local student to date before they're 18. Parents won't allow it. Even my parents would throw a fit if they find out that I'm dating (I'm not). There. An attempt to twist back the 'norm' talk.

[TheLastMohican]

That said, it's very rare for a local student to date before they're 18. Parents won't allow it. Even my parents would throw a fit if they find out that I'm dating (I'm not). There. An attempt to twist back the 'norm' talk.

So the interest is there since 4th grade, but the "official" dating waits about 10 years.
Foreign. That's all I can say.

[Antares]

So the interest is there since 4th grade, but the "official" dating waits about 10 years.
Foreign. That's all I can say.

10 years? I was 9 in fourth grade. I don't think I understand.

[TheLastMohican]

10 years? I was 9 in fourth grade. I don't think I understand.

And when you are 18 you will be "allowed" to date. 9 + 10 = 19, which is about 18, hence, about 10 years.

[enfpchick]

I have been trying to get over this INTJ guy for the better part of 9 months and I am still not over him. I don't know how you people do it.

I just can't control these FEELINGS !!!!!!!!

[Motor Jax]

i hear INTJ's have that kinda power

lol

[PRBori]

it depends on what happen during the relationship . For my ex I had stop feeling anything after the beat up while pregnant. The years after was planning time to make him pay by causinh him to be financially broken..

for my first love it took years to get over and the ones after took a few months. I let go of a feeling the moment I'm mistreated it and depending on what it was I either let go or plan a way to make them pay silently...but most of the time I moved on without doing anything and don't think I do illegal things,everything I do is legal..

[sriv]

I have been trying to get over this INTJ guy for the better part of 9 months and I am still not over him. I don't know how you people do it.

I just can't control these FEELINGS !!!!!!!!

Classic example of "control your feelings, or they will control you." -Someone

[Genuine]

After having uncomfortable emotional outbursts, I manage to get over them.
...Or I think I do, and someday it hits me in the head that I am not quite over them. It repeats.

[changos]

As long as you remember things, it depends on you on how you manage the emotional things. It also depends on the relationship.

One horrible relationship with an ENFP ended up after months of trying... and I was amaze at the next day of my happiness being back. I was over her in a nanosecond.

I had another hard relationship and here the memories hurt, still hurt. What is good makes me want to go back, but the bad things hurt like hell.

My "idea" is... us being introverts and our "so called memory" means trouble. Sometimes I find my memories as vivid as if it was yesterday... that hurts. To me all the info goes to the same place where time is... there is no time except from the calendar so I can see all together sometimes.

--------------------

I have seen we INTJS are hard too get over... We are so different that people will remember our details and ways of facing life. At least I know this INTJ who has left deep memories in their loved ones.

[enfpchick]

I tried to cut all contact to try to "get over" him. But it didn't work :undecided:

[Motor Jax]

that's your 'F' talking

[pallasathena]

I don't seem to have 'gotten over' the ENTP I obsessed over. I've liked him since 2005 and told myself I would completely be over him 2007 April. Now it's April of 2008, and it's still not 'over'.

Do you usually take a long time to get over an ex-loved one?
If yes, how long?
Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?

In my case, it depends on the person. I have only loved one man, but I wasn't "in love" with him, which irritated him no end. We broke it off because I caught him in some lies. I hate when people lie about important things like the fact that they impregnated someone else while they're still proclaiming their love for you. I hoped that someday we could resume our platonic friendship, but he wanted no parts of it. I'm not the type of person to hold grudges once I get over my anger. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too and I wouldn't oblige him. I haven't spoken to him in 5 years. I wish him well and I hope he is happy. I got over him, but I still remember the good times with fondness. He taught me so much about men and how they think and how they try to test women. Any man I fall in love with now better watch out because I am "armed and dangerous"! ;)

[enfpchick]

I thought i was over him. BUT as soon as he comes over my heart starts to race out of my chest.
Arrrrrrr I just want to get over him. The rational part of my brain says that this is not healthy, this is crazy, and that it is time to move on. Then the feelings in my heart just don't want to let go. Its all too much!!!! He's moving away in 3 months, maybe then i'll be forced to go cold turkey.
Do u guys have any advice since u guys are so logical.

[Uytuun]

I thought i was over him. BUT as soon as he comes over my heart starts to race out of my chest.
Arrrrrrr I just want to get over him. The rational part of my brain says that this is not healthy, this is crazy, and that it is time to move on.

I know this feeling (as an INTJ, yes, yes)...there's not much you can do.

Go cold turkey...it'll fade a bit, maybe it won't ever go away completely, but it will get calmer.

[bluestar]

I don't get the bonding feeling. I usually "get over it" at the first sign of something I don't like. That is about the extent of it... I have only had 2 relationships both times ending with me feeling like it was a total waste of my time.

So to answer your question: Probably about 3 seconds after the stunt.

I agree -- I swiftly decide to end relationships, but go in knowing the repercussions and prepare myself so that I'm not devastated by them. On a side note, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years about 1 hour ago... and rather than crying my eyes out I'm posting on a forum that helps my explain why the relationship didn't work. (He was ISFJ, it wasn't meant to be.)

[niffer]

o.o

I don't get over them until I tell them about it. (edit: by the way, I *always* tell them)

Afterwards, if they don't like me back then I'm usually able to get over them within days. I mean, they still occupy my thoughts here and there, but there isn't anymore pain.

Regarding breakups, well....that's a different story.

[enfpchick]

Thats just the problem, he's one of my close friends and i can't really tell him how i feel. :cry:
But i wonder do INTJs eventually pick up on the hints.

[ssfanatic]

It takes me a substantial amount of time. I think bec it has to do with the fact that when i finally take interest in someone i have convinced myself that this person is near perfect for me, and it makes is all the more difficult to forget about them.

Its not my mind that has so much trouble forgetting them, its my heart. My mind is rational and knows that is would not be beneficial to me if i pursued this person, but my heart and its emotional, quixotic ways is persistent in pursuing this person.

Basically, getting over someone is no fun :(





ssfanatic added to this post, 1 minutes and 4 seconds later...

Thats just the problem, he's one of my close friends and i can't really tell him how i feel. :cry:
But i wonder do INTJs eventually pick up on the hints.
I dont pick up on hints very well. I can psychoanalyze almost anyone, yet i miss the obvious "hints" ;D

[dori]

i think getting over somebody gets easier as you get older, i remember 1 teenage relationship that ended where i turned into a bit of a headcase and did some very odd things. :embarassed:
my last major relationship finished in a matter of 2 hours, that includes the discussion, the packing and the leaving.
each time you go through it, it makes you more prepared for the next time.

im not good at taking hints either, i would much rather somebody spits it out than going round the houses.

[Antares]

I thought i was over him. BUT as soon as he comes over my heart starts to race out of my chest.
Arrrrrrr I just want to get over him. The rational part of my brain says that this is not healthy, this is crazy, and that it is time to move on. Then the feelings in my heart just don't want to let go. Its all too much!!!! He's moving away in 3 months, maybe then i'll be forced to go cold turkey.
Do u guys have any advice since u guys are so logical.

I recognize the need to get away from such chemical addiction (yes, you romantics, this is love. chemical addiction. Nothing less, nothing more) and I'll break away no matter how painful. It all fades in a while; joke about it (if you can do that with him, the better), tease other people about it. Tease yourself about it or devise theoretical romantic entanglements as a devious ploy (for fun, of course). If you can take it light-heartedly, then it's not going to be too hard. And since I'm stuck on Romeo and Juliet bashing, be a Mercutio. Adopt his attitude.

[Motor Jax]

the longest it's taken me to get over someone was from 2nd grade at 7 to 12th at 19

amanda was her name. i don't think i'll ever forget that name. at 7 yrs old, she broke my heart

[SongofSeptember]

You know, after all these years of liking quite a different few guys (very different from one another in nature) at different periods to different degrees, I've think the thing I've learned most is that my heart and head refuse to cooperate. I've always found it hard to let go--and I tend to make it worse for myself by listening to songs like "Wish You Were" by Kate Voegele, or just getting carried away with my imagination. And I hate that, because it means admitting to myself that there is only so much of my emotions that I can control or suppress. I'd often feel, as most like to call it, depressed, but I'd prefer to go with the term confused.

I know, I'm pretty young to be talking about this, and I don't want to sound overdramatic or anything, but Antares, we live in the same society, the same environment, exist in the same clique (practically the anti-clique), are of the same age and have pretty similar experiences.

There's a part of me that people don't usually see, that's pretty romantic. Romantic as in idealistic, fanciful, and imaginative. When I become infatuated with a particular individual, that side of me tends to take over much of my thinking. I start romanticizing him, unconsciously, of course, but I know that it's happening. My romanticisim will cause me to be even more attached, and my attachment will cause me to romanticize him more. Sounds never-ending, right? For most of my former puppy love crushes, I lose interest after a while, since I know nothing's going to happen unless I make it happen, and there is no way I'm going to make anything happen. Otherwise, it continues until something causes me to think differently of them. Even so, it usually takes me at least two months to be able to say "I'm over him" and mean it.

Usually I'm quite a level-headed person. I just lose it when I "fall in love".

Antares, you shouldn't be too worried about that sort of attachment. Like you, I always swear to myself that I will be over him in (insert time). Trust me, that never works. And I can never really get hurt, because everything's mental. I say I'm hurting myself, but, well, I can't. I only confuse myself.

There wasn't much point in that rambling, was there?

I guess that sometimes hanging on actually minimizes your own confusion.





SongofSeptember added to this post, 3 minutes and 46 seconds later...

I recognize the need to get away from such chemical addiction (yes, you romantics, this is love. chemical addiction. Nothing less, nothing more) and I'll break away no matter how painful.

Chemical addiction. That's a good way of putting it, actually.

Break away no matter how painful? I think it's gonna feel more impossible than painful.

[enfpchick]

OMG Remember how i said I would avoid all contact with him. Well you guessed it... I flaked. We spent the better part of four hours talking yesterday online because he is out of town and going through some stuff and needs my help to sort out through some emotions. After like talking for 3 hours he surprised me by saying that he has many acquaintances but very few friends. Which i already knew but wasn't surprised by. Then he said i was one of his friends. How can i ruin that by revealing my feelings for him???

[Antares]

OMG Remember how i said I would avoid all contact with him. Well you guessed it... I flaked. We spent the better part of four hours talking yesterday online because he is out of town and going through some stuff and needs my help to sort out through some emotions. After like talking for 3 hours he surprised me by saying that he has many acquaintances but very few friends. Which i already knew but wasn't surprised by. Then he said i was one of his friends. How can i ruin that by revealing my feelings for him???

Well, this is what I think about the said ENTP right now. I know I might be a hypocrite telling you this, but if you don't try, you'll never find out. It all comes down to whether you're willing to risk it for something more.

[enfpchick]

Well, this is what I think about the said ENTP right now. I know I might be a hypocrite telling you this, but if you don't try, you'll never find out. It all comes down to whether you're willing to risk it for something more.

I'M TOO CHICKEN :cry:

What if i ask him and he doesn't feel the same way. I don't want things to get weird.

Its funny he usually comes to me when he has a new girlfriend so i can meet them and tell him what i think. Its torture!!!

[Jenny Penny]

Yes, I get over people, but only if that ex-loved one is dating someone I know or I start dating someone else. Once one of those happens it takes about a week of pretty fierce pain and then it's all good... surprisingly good, really.

Otherwise I just think about them a lot until one of those two events starts the "get over them" process.

This is exactly the process for me as well. I find it utterly impossible to remain friends because the physical attraction will always be there (unfortunately). I have to cut off all contact with the ex if I hope to forget them romantically.

[beverly penn]

I have no trouble doing this, usually. There is a week of brutal misery and then I'm finished with the feelings.

However, I can think of one person who I haven't been able to forget for two years at least. It takes a real fascinating, somewhat evasive, and sweet person to put me on this road. I can't say what it is in full, but I think it's an unusual bond and I doubt I'll ever entirely "get over" him.

[Thucydides]

I've never gotten over the only girl I ever really had feelings for. I'm reassured to know this is a trait some of us have in common.

[cypher72]

There's this girl that I still kinda like. It's been slightly more than a year and a half and I'm still not over her. We're really close friends, and she's one of the few people who I trust completely. Part of my problem is that I am afraid of rejection and that our friendship might be damaged. I have told myself many time to just move on, but it's difficult since she is really the only girl I am close to at all.

[Motor Jax]

have you gave the chance to be close to anybody else?

what i mean is, is this the only one that you have even considered?

[cypher72]

I've considered other people, but there's very few people in my school that I can really talk to.The people who I can have an interesting conversation with usually tend to not be single. It really doesn't help that I have difficulty with "hints" and I don't like acting in this sort of area unless I am sure.

[Thucydides]

There's this girl that I still kinda like. It's been slightly more than a year and a half and I'm still not over her. We're really close friends, and she's one of the few people who I trust completely. Part of my problem is that I am afraid of rejection and that our friendship might be damaged. I have told myself many time to just move on, but it's difficult since she is really the only girl I am close to at all.

I can relate to this. The girl I can't get over (who is still a very good friend) is one of the few people I trust implicitly. I also have serious rejection issues and an inability to move on.

It's amazing how much INTJs have in common.

[enfpchick]

I think I'm finally moving on!!!!!!!!! I feel like the "feeling" side is complying with my rational side and not a moment too soon. Whenever i think of him i say to myself "Why keep a relationship with someone who doesn't know it." There are many other things i can do with my time.

[PortInStorm]

I have no trouble doing this, usually. There is a week of brutal misery and then I'm finished with the feelings.

However, I can think of one person who I haven't been able to forget for two years at least. It takes a real fascinating, somewhat evasive, and sweet person to put me on this road. I can't say what it is in full, but I think it's an unusual bond and I doubt I'll ever entirely "get over" him.
Yep, that's me, and it's been ... what, 10 years now.

[Antares]

have you gave the chance to be close to anybody else?

what i mean is, is this the only one that you have even considered?

He was; and is; the only one whom I was ever serious for.

[enfpchick]

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It basically sums up what I feel.

[Aronnax]

I'M TOO CHICKEN :cry:

What if i ask him and he doesn't feel the same way. I don't want things to get weird.

Its funny he usually comes to me when he has a new girlfriend so i can meet them and tell him what i think. Its torture!!!


So you'd rather suffer in silence and eventually watch him walk away with someone else than risk things getting weird?

INTJs are notorious for missing or ignoring romantic hints, if you want to be with him you'll probably have to tell him...

[ElstonGunn]

So you'd rather suffer in silence and eventually watch him walk away with someone else than risk things getting weird?

That's what you (that's a plural version of "you") have to seriously ask yourselves. What's the worst-case scenario that could play out if you take a risk? Realistically, I mean. (No one is going to go on a twelve-state killing spree if you tell him that you like him, right? She won't set off all the world's nuclear arsenals, will she?)

Would it be worse to say something and not get the answer you want, or would it be worse to eventually, after your chance has been long gone, find out that you could have gotten the answer that you wanted if you had only taken the initiative? In one case, you might end up with an awkward situation in the present or future, and in the other case, your personal history will be mocking you.

This isn't a rhetorical question, either. I'm not asking it as a way to try to get people to just do something. Actually ask yourself if it would be worse to try and fail, or to not try and not know. Either answer is entirely valid as far as I'm concerned. I think the whole 'just do it' thing is terrible and completely useless advice, or at least, it always has been for me.

The other thing to think about in relation to 'just do it' is whether you have a problem with the "do" or the "it." Do you have an idea of what you should or want to do, but you're apprehensive about doing it, or would you be perfectly willing to do something if you only knew what it was? Are you worried about "what if," or just "what"?

I mean which holds you back, "What if she's not interested" or "What do I say to her to show that I'm interested"? They're different questions. When I've told people that I'm worried about the latter, nine times out of ten, they ignore that and just assume my problem is with the former.

[Rei]

I'M TOO CHICKEN :cry:

What if i ask him and he doesn't feel the same way. I don't want things to get weird.

Its funny he usually comes to me when he has a new girlfriend so i can meet them and tell him what i think. Its torture!!!

I've had that happen. I took him shopping for his girlfriend's present. It was a wonder NO ONE noticed how rigid I was. Not to mention he came to me when he was all emo over his break-ups.

Thankfully I'm currently free from said plague.


Back on topic...

Two years has been an average for me.
My lack of interest in anyone else while trying to get over the person doesn't help. Eventually it just becomes an obsession.

I really looked up to the last person I was interested in. Everytime something came up, I wanted to ask his opinion. If I went somewhere new, I wanted him to be there so I could see how he reacts. He also made me realize there were things I had to change about my approaches. And every time I corrected myself thereafter, I remember something that had been said between us.

But two years... I've been through repeated episodes of "Holy shit, stop it already!" repeatedly, and like you (Antares) says, I've told myself I have to get over it... Two years, I think I've escaped it.

It usually follows some serious thinking, about why it wouldn't work. It wouldn't be a lie either... after two years, I'd finally arrive to a sound, logical reason as to why it wasn't right.

[xtremegeek]

I don't seem to have 'gotten over' the ENTP I obsessed over. I've liked him since 2005 and told myself I would completely be over him 2007 April. Now it's April of 2008, and it's still not 'over'.

Do you usually take a long time to get over an ex-loved one?
If yes, how long?
Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?

1. I take a very long time to get over someone special.
2. Two + years
3. Yes, I feel quite devoted to the individual.
4. I've had very few LTR's because I hate to start over. It's easier to put up with the bad stuff because the grass is never greener. My mind listens alright but it's my heart that's the problem. I hate that war between the north (head) and the south (heart.) I never win that war. Loving someone is a blessing and a curse...it's the only thing which proves to me I'm human and separates me from the rest of the animal kingdom.

It really sucks and yet without it, I'm not alive. I wish I was able to jump from one relationship to another without looking back, but that's not the personality I was delt.

[enfpchick]

Ok i have to say I actually HAVE moved on and am free from this crush. Though still hanging out with him did not make it easier

[JoeyDude]

I can get over someone shorter than it took me to write this sentence. Now, not to appear as a heartless bastard, they were always for good reasons not for something stupid like she picks her nose.

The last one I was involved with (ESFP) was fun when she wasn't an emotional wreck. Every other week she had some kind of issue and I always had to be on eggshells with her. I got to the point where I realized that I'm unhappier with her than alone. So I told her it's over and that was it.

[enfpchick]

I can get over someone shorter than it took me to write this sentence. Now, not to appear as a heartless bastard, they were always for good reasons not for something stupid like she picks her nose.

The last one I was involved with (ESFP) was fun when she wasn't an emotional wreck. Every other week she had some kind of issue and I always had to be on eggshells with her. I got to the point where I realized that I'm unhappier with her than alone. So I told her it's over and that was it.

I wish i was like you INTJs. I get all tangled in my feelings and emotions and can not get out. I have had this crush for over a year, much longer than it took to write this sentence. But one day I woke up and realized that I have been in a relationship with someone who doesn't even know it. So I am over it.

[wolf]

Looks like 2-6 years is about average for me, though some I never completely "get over". For that period I have little-to-no interest in anyone else, though it has been getting slightly shorter with time. Sometimes it goes up, but usually not.

The problem is that each time I am worse and worse off, and colder and colder. It's like each time I am less and less likely to be as open with my emotions until it is practically impossible to dig them out. The sad thing is that I could probably do relationships with absolutely no feelings at this point because my poor past treatment and not wanting to put myself out there emotionally is almost stronger than my hope to have a happy relationship. Like I'm so jaded by it that I feel like I should just go ESXP about it and "have fun" with whomever is willing, with full knowledge that I don't really care about them and that it'll never go anywhere beyond a temporary thing. It probably comes down to the fact that I don't usually go with someone I wouldn't consider suitable for a permanent relationship (marriage). (There was one exception - #1, but that was because nobody had taken any interest in me for 6 years and I was pretty hopeless about the whole thing...much like I've slowly become again.) Maybe I'll get lucky this time, but I'm also realistic and know that the probability of going permanent, or even long-term is low, no matter how good they are or how much they like me.

This one is different in that she comes from an extremely similar background, and we have quite a bit in common due to it... The other two were very different. The close friendship (with the possibility of leading to a relationship) ones were rather different in this respect, even for the most-similar one. It's probably my last attempt at it, anyhow.

[Freak87]

A 15 year old with a lovelife :irked: And handsome prospects who are very good friends. It's hard not to.

I get over my 'crushes' relatively easily though. I think to this date, I've only had one serious interest (known for 7, approaching 8 years since we were both kids. Have liked for 3 years and counting), and my ex-boyfriend wasn't one of them. The rest never lasted for more than 6 months. I remember this guy who got my interest for a day then it was over. We're still friends, but I recognized it as platonic interest.



I used to write when I was angry or depressed, but when writing about him it just seems forced and unnatural. I don't feel comfortable doing that. Don't know why. Every time I look back on what I've written I want to smack myself at how irrational I was.


yeah, it's hard to say. different guys have taken me different lengths to get over. I find if you're honest with them and tell them about your feelings, it helps a lot. it either kills it, or strengthens it, and at least for me, I feel whatever the guy feels you know? it depends on how close you are-intimate the relationship is. if you've been close, it tends to be a lot tougher and different kind of "getting over." and there's those in between situations to. it all depends on the relationship.

just some advice, it's most important to know yourself. ive been learning relationships don't complete me. i know its super cliche but it's really true.

[athenian200]

Hmm... I guess I'm decisive enough not to go back after I've really pushed them away, but it hurts for about a week afterwards. It's usually an intense week, but after that I'm through the pain, no burn left. It's because I know that I can't really lose my memories, the things I've learned, or my feelings, that things merely change instead of truly ending... that allows me to see that the pain is caused by an illusion that things really end aside from our experience of them, and that they can never be as good as they once were. I know this isn't true. Once I visualize that infinity intently and feel the nature of reality to be different than it appears, the pain fades quickly.

[Seppuku Savant]

Do you usually take a long time to get over an ex-loved one?
No

If yes, how long?
I've been in a few long term relationships. With the exception of one, they were very easy to get over. I'm usually already pulling away mentally and emotionally a month before the actual breakup. After, I've done it, I'm definitely not revisiting it on any level.

Strangely, the only person I still think about from time to time, is an INTJ.

Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
No

Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?
The majority of the time, the mind listens, the heart can be a different matter.

[Freak87]

ok one of my theories of the day

maybe this is for all women, maybe this is just for me, my attraction to a man seems to have a lot to do with his attraction to me/leading, etc. by them starting the attraction and keeping it going- that's the best thing a guy can do (:

[Malotis]

It's been over a year and I'm still not completely over her. I know it's not rational, but no matter how I try to rationalize the situation I still find part of myself missing her. Since then I have had little to no desire to pursue or partake in another relationship. I feel like if I was somehow involved in a new relationship, I’d be overly closed off or distant.

Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
Though I know it’s not worth it, Yes.

Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?
Rarely. I think it just takes time to get over someone.

[Seppuku Savant]

It's been over a year and I'm still not completely over her. I know it's not rational, but no matter how I try to rationalize the situation I still find part of myself missing her. Since then I have had little to no desire to pursue or partake in another relationship. I feel like if I was somehow involved in a new relationship, I’d be overly closed off or distant.


It takes a lot for certain people to open up to others, especially when intimacy in romantic relationships is at stake. Just take all the time you need. There's really no rush or point to get into another relationship when your not ready.

[kubrickfan]

I don't seem to have 'gotten over' the ENTP I obsessed over. I've liked him since 2005 and told myself I would completely be over him 2007 April. Now it's April of 2008, and it's still not 'over'.

Do you usually take a long time to get over an ex-loved one?
If yes, how long?
Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?

First time it took me 6 weeks, the second 5 days.
I did feel a devotion, it was funny you should mention pain, because one of things that came to my mind, was "If this is poisonous I would endure it for a life time."
I can't tell if my mind listened or not I could never tell. I would say one thing, people would say I was another. I got very confused.

[Eth]

Do you usually take a long time to get over an ex-loved one?
If yes, how long?
Do you usually feel a fierce devotion to that particular individual? To the point that it pains you like nothing you've ever felt before?
Does your mind 'listen' when you tell it to get over him/her?

More then I would dare admit in public. *frustration* Certain loves over the course of my life have run deep and it has taken a year or so to get over most of them. I've gotten better at it now, but there is one that I don't think I'll ever be able to get over.

I met her in high school and I've loved her ever since. I did plenty of horrible things to her in my juvenile stupidity, and that pains me every night. She once told me "Every time you feel a warm breeze against your cheek, that's me caressing you." Yeah, well, I live in a DESERT! They are ALL warm breezes! So I get plenty reminders of her with the memories I have. We had plenty of ups and downs and I tried many times to rekindle our relationship. Sometimes I succeeded, all ended horribly.

My mind taunts me constantly, well, the darker half does anyways. Memories and visions in my sleep. Smells and sounds. I get abused by my brain all the time. *disheartened chuckle* But I accept it as penance for the horrible things I did. *shrug*

Amazingly enough, we're friends now. We talk and share a lot of things. We know there is this giant chasm between us because of our history. But we pretty much don't set foot on the romantic history in our lives and we get along fine. We even go so far as to give each other dating advice and the like, even sex tips. To some degree it pains me, and on some days it pains me to the point of deep depression. But I love her, and if all I can do is be her friend and help her when she needs it, I will. As long as she doesn't abuse it, I'm content being a friend and confidant, even if deep down I want more.

But I AM a hopeless romantic, and a sucker for this kind of stuff. It would make for a wonderful story if we got married and had kids, etc, etc. But I don't always live in reality anyways, so that's to be expected.

[PRBori]

Once again it depends on the situation....

I think it will take a bit of time for me to get over this last relationship I end it today.... not sure how long, but 1 year 4 months of loyalty and going over my means to help him achieve his goals for nothing hurts....

His EGO is going over his head and his need to be single is too high right now. After all when a men reaches the peak of his goal he knows women will throw themselves at him... He will now have plenty of fish to choose from... hopefully the one he chooses doesn't pull him down. This type of people tend to be blinded by physical beauty and someone they can show off since they feel like the king of the jungle.

Anyway, got to get ready for work....

[enfpchick]

I find that this song helps to move on a bit.

O.A.R. - Shattered

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[IF3157]

It's so much easier to get over someone when they're an ass. Luckily, most of the men I've known were d-bags. The ones I've had a hard time getting over were usually the ones who didn't give me a real reason for going. I mean seriously....knock someone up would ya?! Do a girl a favor!!

QFT

[PortInStorm]

Once again it depends on the situation....

I think it will take a bit of time for me to get over this last relationship I end it today.... not sure how long, but 1 year 4 months of loyalty and going over my means to help him achieve his goals for nothing hurts....

His EGO is going over his head and his need to be single is too high right now. After all when a men reaches the peak of his goal he knows women will throw themselves at him... He will now have plenty of fish to choose from... hopefully the one he chooses doesn't pull him down. This type of people tend to be blinded by physical beauty and someone they can show off since they feel like the king of the jungle.

Anyway, got to get ready for work....
Bori, so sorry. Must be a big disappointment, eh?

[ElstonGunn]

maybe this is for all women, maybe this is just for me, my attraction to a man seems to have a lot to do with his attraction to me/leading, etc. by them starting the attraction and keeping it going- that's the best thing a guy can do (:

Unless I'm misunderstanding you, I sincerely hope that that doesn't apply to all women, for both selfish and charitable reasons. Selfish because if it's true, I might as well turn in my nads now because I'm not going to be needing them ever. And charitable because I imagine that it would suck for women if they were all so helpless, easily-led, and gullible.

[Freak87]

i think it takes time, i was with someone for a year and a half, and we still do talk, but he is just my "ex" now. it will take time to heal and get over someone that you really cared about.

[curiousjane]

First crush = 4 years
Second crush = 1 year
Third crush = 3 months

Weird online dating situation #1 = 2 weeks
Weird online dating situation #2 = 1 week

Current "relationship" = if he decides I'm only a friend, it will probably take me a long time to get over my disappointment, and that time will only lengthen the longer we continue to get to know each other in this limbo period.

[enfpchick]

OMG i am not over him. :disappointed:

This INTJ must have some sort of power over me. I just cant not stop thinking about him. I have to drive by his house everyday now and its sooo hard. I know I have to move on but I don't feel that I can.

[Bandit]

Loaded question, but it depends on how serious the relationship was and/or if they were able during the course of said relationship to actually understand me and make me want.. Generally not very long, but once in a land far far away it took me about a year..

[PRBori]

Bori, so sorry. Must be a big disappointment, eh?


We spoke for a long time yesterday and briefly today... clarify many things so I will stand by him for know just as I have for over a year... and just wait and hope that things fall into place soon.

His EGO is a bit up... but that's also because he is so busy with work trying to get everthing together... so I just have to believe and continue to trust him as I always have...

[PortInStorm]

I guess there's hope then...

[blckprljinju]

the only one that lasted a long time was the very first crush when i was in middle school... i think it had more to do with seeing someone who looked completely different from me than anything else (i had just immigrated from Korea... and the boy i fell for was a blonde/blue eyed boy... it probably was more biological than anything else). Anyways... nowadays, i can't fall for anyone... too many holes in everyone... plus the fact that i'm an I may have something to do with not being able to get close very soon...

[Motor Jax]

i'm an "I", ran into and wooed my g/f in a bar/club, and its been on ever since... over a year ago...

...we are, at present, 10 hours away from each other, yet still as strong as ever...

[Drienne]

I only had a "crush" on one guy. That was in high school (a very long time ago). Apparently I was a little too assertive & scared him off. He had a friend give me the brush off. I was ticked off for a few days because I never saw it coming. I never got him out of my head. I never had such intense feeling for anyone since. Because of Facebook we have reconnected, and I have learnt the feeling have been mutual all this time.

[OneHertz]

I hope it doesn't take too much longer. It has been 4-5 months so far...

At least I made it really easy for her by being mean during the break up so she doesn't have to deal with the long process of getting over everything.

[JohnDoe]

1 Day. Uncertainty is a bitch; but once something is certain, its easy for me to deal with.

[ricearoni]

Depends on if I saw the breakup coming or not.
If it was something I was waiting for, it's rather easy to move on. I'll have moments of sadness here and there but mostly I feel pretty apathetic and after a few weeks I'm open to seeing other people.

If it was a surprise breakup and I had no clue things were bad, well, it could take longer, maybe a couple of months. I'm not sure why that bothers me so much. Maybe it's because things always seem so unfinished, so unresolved.

[inscrutable]

I was in a relationship for four years, and after I decided to end it, it took about a week for me to feel normal again. Different circumstances would yield a different length of recovery, of course.

[Henry]

On the low end its been a few days in the case of this really dumb plebe girl I was dating on the rebound. And for the high end, three years for a girl I nursed a crush on for a decade, found out the feelings were mutual, and then did something incredibly stupid to fuck it up in about a week.

[JustMel]

By the time I have determined to part company with someone I am functionally "over" them. When they (or I) have walked out the door, it's over. In college, my nickname was "Slasher" because I when I cut someone loose, they were CUT LOOSE.

I'm the same way only my nickname wasn't Slasher. I had several nicknames.

If I'm to the point the relationship is over my feelings are over. Even when I've loved someone and it's ended I don't wallow and I don't go trying to figure out how to get them back because I don't care enough to. If my husband told me it was over tomorrow I'd probably wonder what the hell he was smoking but I wouldn't do the whole "why? can't we work it out" routine. I had a minor meltdown here a few months ago when I snapped and was so pissed off, angry and infuriated at the way he was being a dick and had our oldest daughter upset that I was crying and mildly hysterical. It lasted about 10 minutes and then I looked at him and told him if he was going to continue to be a dick and upset our child he could do it somewhere else or he could pull his head out of his ass and be a father. Then I looked at him and calmly said "I'm sure your dad would be SO proud that you're making your wife and daughter cry" and that hit him because he has his dad on a pedestal and his dad raised his boys to put women on a pedestal. He damn near beat his brother to death because the police showed up looking for him to charge him with vandalism when he was 14. His dad chased him through the house and was beating his ass for "bringing the police to your mother's house".

[Conqueress]

Its not my mind that has so much trouble forgetting them, its my heart. My mind is rational and knows that is would not be beneficial to me if i pursued this person, but my heart and its emotional, quixotic ways is persistent in pursuing this person.
;D

I agree. The mind gets over it rather quickly. Being logical it's easy to know when you're better off without them. But the heart doesn't seem to forget so easily. Though, its of no consequence, unless you're one to follow your heart...

[Trenchant1]

How long does it normally take you to 'get over' someone?

Well, I had my first real girl-friend when I was fifteen and we broke up after four months, that's thirty-six years ago. I'll let you know when I get over it.

[probity]

Well I dated my first/only boyfriend for about three years, we got engaged, planned a wedding, etc, etc.
He officially ended things about two months ago, it was completely unexpected. I've been over it for a few weeks. I think I bounce back quickly. :anxious:

[DanteFalling]

You don't.

[ranwayslo]

Once I decide to do it, instantly. I can be cold.

[runoverazebra]

I'm not sure how long it took me to get over my 'first love.' We were together for 4 years. I know it was hard for a while, but I don't really have a time frame. He rarely even crosses my mind anymore. It's been about two years that we've been broken up.

[2obvious]

I echo the folks who say it depends on who ends it.

Although some might find it interesting that, given the vast majority of time I've spent OUTside of relationships, I tend to practice monogamous infatuation. That is: I'm only ever hung up on one girl at a time, and just until I find another to fill the fantasy role of "girlfriend" in my head.

(Yeh...introversion's fun.)

[Oleander]

I'm not even too shy to admit this, but depending on how hooked I am on the guy, it's almost to an obsessive degree how difficult it is for me to get over them. I really, really, really have a hard time watching the person walk out the door. And normally when things aren't going well, I can't just accept it and walk away with any amount of dignity. I wish I could, but I can't. I constantly feel like most things can be worked out and everything will be fine. To be fair to myself, this approach has yielded positive results.

I can't even explain what goes on in my head during those situations. It's almost as if I immediately replay our first encounters and it instantly depresses me how different what we have is now compared to the beginning. His first reactions to meeting me, when he first asked me to hang out, how lit up his eyes were when we talked, etc.

I'm willing to admit this without fear of being ridiculed -- I'm only human. Despite wanting to be with someone, I really don't think I should be with anyone. I've gone without close friends or close family ties for a long time, and I'm lonely as fuck. Being introverted doesn't change a damn thing because I still need some people time. I'm massively insecure about the person that I am today, and it constantly shows when I'm with my boyfriend. I'd kill to have one of those easygoing, natural, steady relationships but I think I'm way too much of a headcase for one of those. He suits me so fucking well and I'm not ready for him.

But at the end of the day, if only I'd face the facts, I'd wonder, 'Would he have even turned around or would he have just gone straight home? Will he miss me enough to call and want to work things out?'

I hate my brain.

[Seriously]

I don't like to lose so I will do my best to make things work for as long as I can. Once I realize it's not fixable then I'm done with it.

[pure potential]

Healing is a process. After leaving my last relationship, the days of "getting over" him weren't numbered, it just depended on the day how I was coping. I spent a lot of time analyzing our years together for what I could learn from it to make me a better partner. It also helped the forgiveness/healing process to allow myself to really reflect and appreciate the good times we had together. When we spend so much time focusing on the negatives during a break-up, its easy to forget the important reasons why we were together (and stayed together for so long) in the first place. It would have been a great waste of youthful years- and future ones- if I only focused on those hurtful aspects.

Most importantly, allow yourself time to grieve. Being the strong one, I felt very lucky to have a friend's shoulder to cry on when I went through my break-up. She just stood by while I cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. A broken heart is quite humbling. Through the other side of grief, I was able to see the light dawn again on a new day of possibility. It wasn't sudden. It was a healing process that I chose to endure to move through my pain to allow myself to become ready for another partner. We all deserve healthy relationships, and processing though our previous ones is the key to creating them.

[WratSpa]

I guess it depends on how strongly I felt for the guy. Usually, it takes me a couple of weeks to start feeling "OK" again, and then after a few months I'm totally over it. I'm usually the one who leaves the relationship though, and it's best if I cut all contact until I'm totally over it.

[Pcell]

If I feel something isn't working I can get over it pretty quickly; I'll put in the effort to try and improve things, but if it doesn't seem to be going anywhere it's pretty much over. I've been called cold and emotionless for this in the past.

[intellael]

I echo the folks who say it depends on who ends it.

Although some might find it interesting that, given the vast majority of time I've spent OUTside of relationships, I tend to practice monogamous infatuation. That is: I'm only ever hung up on one girl at a time, and just until I find another to fill the fantasy role of "girlfriend" in my head.

(Yeh...introversion's fun.)

Ditto on that. Most of my life I've been single. If I choose to end a relationship then it was reasonable to do so. It is pointless to dwell on failures. If I know the cause of the disconnect, then I analyze it to learn something. If that is not possible, then I move on fairly easily.

[Zsych]

@Antares: I think you get over it, once you decide that you have no further plans with respect to that person. If you're still thinking that something might yet happen, and imagining things that could happen that you think are possible, then you won't get over it.

If you decide that you are never going to allow this person into your life again or try anything with him at all ever, definitely. I think you'll be over him pretty fast.

[pure potential]

My last post sounded harsh on the relationship I shared and ended. Please note that I would never put up with infidelity or any other abuse, neither are ever OK. My last long-term partner was a good man and we had very much in common - which is why I got us in therapy to help save the relationship, we were at the point we NEEDED a third neutral party to mediate and provide strong guidance/insight to what we could both learn do to become better partners. Shortly thereafter is when I realized that I needed other (very important) things to make my long-term relationship successful, this included being able to talk philosophically and/or debate, and to connect spiritually. It wasn't an extreme blowout that brought us to the end, it was the subconscious desires that painfully dragged us to the point of understanding that we were just walking different paths.

[Elfrun]

1 day. Uncertainty is a bitch; but once something is certain, its easy for me to deal with.

That. I can linger in a not-a-relationship for quite some time trying to figure out where I'm at, where they're at and how that works for 'us' but once I have clarity in relation to what I want and what he wants, and can see that they don't add up, I'm over it after a release of emotions if necessary. Doesn't mean I don't look back and think about what could have been but I break away cleanly and take my emotional investment with me.

[Cygnus]

I really cannot say. It could be instant or indefinate. If I felt the issue was my fault, then I would likely never get over it, since I would likely not forgive myself. If it happened when I am more vulernable and things are not well overall in my life, it will take much long to get over someone. If things are generally well in my life, I would be over it much faster. I could never give a specific time table. For me it is just one of those things you release when you look back...that it doesn't bother you anymore.

[Zhen]

it's always pretty quick consciously because i can rationalise why it didn't work but subconsciously...the person haunts me in my dreams often for years(maybe the years part is because i only get into serious relationships.)...also i find myself spending a lot of time post trying to identify what went wrong exactly so I don't make the same mistakes or get into the same situations in future. i think intjs are detached in manner but in love relationships we can get pretty attached! i also find for me personally relationships get very intense so I like to take significant breaks of alone time between to clear my head and reconnect with being an individual - it definitely takes some time in adjustment of mentality from being an "other half" to an individual I find.

[JasonINTJ]

I miss my ex-partner a lot. We were together for 4.5 years. I think he was an ENTJ and I'm an INTJ. It didn't take him long to find another guy and I was shocked at the type of person he chose. He also decided to have sex with the guy for the first time on what would have been our 5 year anniversary (I knew this through his Twitter). He was a bastard... a liar... also had bipolar and wouldn't take medication.

It's weird not having him around anymore. It's deeply upsetting that there will never be anything between us ever again (we haven't talked since November '08 and it was bad). I would never ever go back to him now since he's been with someone else. The romance is gone. The "saving yourself only for your partner" thing was destroyed.

I obsessed about a guy I dated for only a month... for an entire year.... back in 2002/2003. I didn't date anyone else during that time.

I kept thinking about a guy I recently dated for awhile... he defriended me on Facebook, probably because I kept sending him messages trying to "fix us". I really wanted to be very serious and committed with him, but he's into playing the field. Another jerk.

I'm losing a guy I was with for a month as well... he's moving away.... not gone yet, but I'm in a sort of numbness right now because I just found out two days ago. He's moving away in September.

Now I have nobody and I don't know what to do!