how do you deal with people who ramble on?

[Mohammad]

everyone's been asked complicated questions at some point. these questions require a response that exceeds one or two sentences.

i have a friend, who has a habit of rambling. he simply does not know when to stop talking, when i ask him an open-ended question (on philosophy, for example). i sometimes end up having to ask him to summarize his views for me. and even that summary sometimes needs summarizing. :)

so, how do you deal with people who ramble on?

[True Rune]

This sounds alien, but for some people it takes effort for them to stop talking. Do these persons also tend to interrupt others? Annoying as that is, perhaps you need to interrupt them at times to at least steer the conversation in another direction.

[Tedisking]

#1: Live with it.
#2: Ignore them.
#3: Change them.
#4: Don't talk with them about a subject that is open ended.
#5: Don't be his friend.
#6: Hate it and complain about it.

Those are the visibly apparent options. Choose.

[RedHead8808]

just tell them that they ramble... and when they start say "you're doing it again..." works every time

[Mohammad]

just tell them that they ramble... and when they start say "you're doing it again..." works every time

i do try to reel them in like that.
unfortunately, this friend in particular is rather passionate and stubborn. when you put those two together, it makes for a combination most lethal. and annoying.

[RedHead8808]

ramble back... do it often. Show them how irritating it is.

[Mohammad]

ramble back... do it often. Show them how irritating it is.

hm. i prefer not to reciprocate with idiocy, but sure, it might work. :)

[True Rune]

This thread reminded me of this:
To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Does the entrapment you experience seem familiar to number 3?

[Mohammad]

ha, not quite.
i've known this dude for years.

[Tyrant Soup]

LOL. I have a new coworker who will loudly blab incoherently and non-stop to a simple yes-no question. When he temporarily runs out of things to say, he will fill in the gap with a loud "Ahhhhhhh-Ahhhhhhhh-Ahhhhhhhh" to prevent anyone from cutting in. He waste so much time in meetings.

Solution? I cut in after enduring his monologue for a reasonable time. It might seem rude, but the alternative is physical violence.

[fleebailey33]

I have a professor (who I actually like) who does that alot.

sadly I just almost can't be around anymore. I 'want' to like him but cant

[Athene]

People repeating themselves is what bothers me. I mean, really bothers me. Women tend to repeat themselves quite a bit, even when I acknowledge that I've heard and understood them.

With casual acquaintances, if the phone doesn't ring, or if I can't pass the person off to someone else, politely extricating myself from the vicinity, I just say "excuse me" or something along those lines and leave.

People I know well and am comfortable with, who tend to ramble, are easier. They know me and my tolerance level and hopefully don't expect a lot of polite gestures anymore... I just stop making eye contact, start nodding, eventually start saying "uh huh" and extricate myself from the conversation, eventually tuning them out completely. I don't have to directly say anything; they know they're boring me.

I don't intend to be rude, but long meaningless conversations are painful for me. Like fingernails on a chalk board. At some point the person's need to ramble is no longer more important than my need for silence.

One Simpson's episode has Bart at a party, talking to a cute, popular girl. The girl interrupts him and says, "Excuse me, I have to go over there now." She takes a few steps away from him and just stands there, with her back to him, looking at the wall.

[Anju]

I will just walk off which makes me come off as a jerk but whatever.

[Mohammad]

its like.. its just one long sentence.

[rEliseMe]

i do try to reel them in like that.
unfortunately, this friend in particular is rather passionate and stubborn. when you put those two together, it makes for a combination most lethal. and annoying.

I purposely don't become friends with these people. Works every time.

[LionsPride]

How much of what they say is relevant and how much of it is them thinking out loud? Is the person aware that they ramble?

[Mohammad]

How much of what they say is relevant and how much of it is them thinking out loud? Is the person aware that they ramble?

thinking out loud, and the person is not aware of it. that constitutes rambling, imho.
non-stop talking might also be applicable, in a broader sense.

[jndiii]

Ah. Do you know his type? I'm guessing INTP.

I've found the best way to deal with INTP rambling is to ask new questions as the topic wanders off in new directions.

Don't ask for summaries, don't ask for concise details. Just figure out which questions get you the one key piece of info you need.

[Mohammad]

he's an enfj/entj, actually.

[fokalina]

Does he need an audience? Have you ever witnessed him rambling continuously while he knew no one was listening/paying attention?

[Mohammad]

Does he need an audience? Have you ever witnessed him rambling continuously while he knew no one was listening/paying attention?

yes.
no.

we need not limit ourselves to this one example, so please feel free to throw in your own experiences.

[vampyroteuthis]

Rambling INTP here, fan of the well-constructed long sentence. I ramble more if the question or topic put to me is vague or unspecific. Asking me to summarise rarely works as I still need more input as to what kind of information is being solicited. It also has the potential to drive me nuts.

E.g.:
"Should I do X?" = bad
"Is X the best means to clearly specified goal Y?" = good.

You mentioned "philosophical" questions, though; those debates have the potential to go on forever. When it comes to open-ended questions, one person's perception of another rambling may be due to subjective differences in their view of
1. what the question entails
2. whether a summary distills the answer or oversimplifies it, and
3. what the questioner wants out of the conversation.

Hope this helps! :)

[Mohammad]

hiya vamps.
everyone helps. that includes you. :)

i find him sort of blocking out other opinions and answering the question as completely as possible (at least that's what his thought process appears to be), based upon my question.

effectively, then, my question may be precise. but he would still want to give an overly detailed answer. :blank:

[vampyroteuthis]

hiya vamps.
everyone helps. that includes you. :)

i find him sort of blocking out other opinions and answering the question as completely as possible (at least that's what his thought process appears to be), based upon my question.

effectively, then, my question may be precise. but he would still want to give an overly detailed answer. :blank:

Hmm... could you give an example or two? The bit about "answering the question as completely as possible" makes me think it might be a difference in communication style, as I tend to try for "complete" answers myself. Examples would help in figuring out a more efficient way to communicate without you getting bored or him feeling shut down.

[fokalina]

Ramblers make me feel victimized.

Most of the time, I ignore this feeling, and sit patiently, allowing the rambler to ramble. I try to pay attention and respond appropriately.

Other times, I simply cannot do that. I express my disinterest by telling them directly, telling them indirectly, or showing them. ...I think I normally just find an excuse to leave.

[Mohammad]

Hmm... could you give an example or two? The bit about "answering the question as completely as possible" makes me think it might be a difference in communication style, as I tend to try for "complete" answers myself. Examples would help in figuring out a more efficient way to communicate without you getting bored or him feeling shut down.

here's an example: i once asked him what he thought of parents' involvements in marriages. i was then subject to a hour-long (albeit sporadic) answer, during which he pretty much refused to listen to any input, or follow up questions i had.

[vampyroteuthis]

here's an example: i once asked him what he thought of parents' involvements in marriages. i was then subject to a hour-long (albeit sporadic) answer,
Hehe... this sounds very J vs. P to me, actually.


during which he pretty much refused to listen to any input, or follow up questions i had.
...but this just sounds like bad manners, honestly.

[Mohammad]

...but this just sounds like bad manners, honestly.

.. which is why i greatly prefer not to reciprocate.

[LionsPride]

and the person is not aware of it.

I think as long as they aren't aware of it the best you have is whatever you do already. How to make them aware of it is another matter entirely. It's one of those things that you never want to be the messenger for, but waiting for him to suddenly discover it on his own, like watching himself on tape rambling on, may never happen.

From my own experience in debating I once knew a guy that went on and on. Someone, out of the blue, told him, not that he rambles, rather that he spoke well and usually made his case in the first few minutes, if he just sat down sooner he'd be fantastic (the extra talking and poor finish was detracting from that). For him it was a pivotal moment. The next time he got up to speak, after he made his main points he sat down right away. Most of us were stunned, but the improvement on the message was remarkable. He stuck with it and he went from people not noticing he finished talking to getting frequent applause. The only reason I know what caused his transformation is that he credited the insight in a speech a year or two later. For him, he didn't know why people tuned out. He figured he hadn't made his point so he'd keep going. He wished someone had told him to sit down sooner in his life.

I think the reason it was received well was because it was given as a true compliment. The person saying it liked him and liked the points he made. They made an observation not a insinuation that he should change. I don't know what Eureka moment your friend needs and perhaps you aren't the one to provide it, but if he honestly doesn't know, then I don't see any stupendous ways around his verbosity.

[void]

Engaging a self-important rambler in Socratic dialogue can take them out of their element and force them to think hard about the incoherent rubbish spewing out of their minds. Lay didactic traps and corner them into defending an absurd position. They'll learn their lesson pretty quickly. Asking a question "out of curiosity" never impolite. They may very well insist "let me finish, you'll understand it completely after I drone for 2 hours". In that case, pinpoint the fallacies already committed, upon which the next few minutes of the lecture will be predicated.

[elizabeth lover]

he sounds enfj.

which makes me think he has to know he is doing it but just doesn't care.

[panzom]

You need to get Zeppelin's "Ramble On" on your phone so every time he starts with it you can play it a hopefully he will get the point.

[Vai]

If he's my friend I would make it clear that his ranting is quite annoying to me. If he's an acquaintance I would simply avoid engaging in such conversations.

[stock]

Tactics:

1. If this is a very good friend, sit them down and be honest that perhaps they are rambling on a routine basis and may not notice the other people in the convo are not interested anymore. A lesson in social skills may be of value to them both socially and professionally.

websites like this: To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

I would really suggest this if it is causing the guy issues in other social situations, it would be very kind to give him some very direct feedback and explain that he may want to work on it a bit.

2. If the above doesnt seem needed, or it is just an coworker, when you have to talk, build in "get away" tools. Set the alarm of your cell phone or watch for 3 minutes and when it goes off say "I'm sorry I really have to take this call". Introduce the convo with "I have to go to a meeting in just a few minutes, but I had quick question...." If on the phone go, "oh my mom/boss/husband/customer is calling on the other line, can i let you go?"

3. For people you dont care about-My ISTP ex taught me the valuable skill of just walking off in the middle of convos or hanging up on people. He does this all the time. If it is someone I dont want to talk to on the phone, I just hang up. I also do this to sales people or others irl who are trying to get something from me.

[OReally]

I think as long as they aren't aware of it the best you have is whatever you do already. How to make them aware of it is another matter entirely. It's one of those things that you never want to be the messenger for, but waiting for him to suddenly discover it on his own, like watching himself on tape rambling on, may never happen.

From my own experience in debating I once knew a guy that went on and on. Someone, out of the blue, told him, not that he rambles, rather that he spoke well and usually made his case in the first few minutes, if he just sat down sooner he'd be fantastic (the extra talking and poor finish was detracting from that). For him it was a pivotal moment. The next time he got up to speak, after he made his main points he sat down right away. Most of us were stunned, but the improvement on the message was remarkable. He stuck with it and he went from people not noticing he finished talking to getting frequent applause. The only reason I know what caused his transformation is that he credited the insight in a speech a year or two later. For him, he didn't know why people tuned out. He figured he hadn't made his point so he'd keep going. He wished someone had told him to sit down sooner in his life.

I think the reason it was received well was because it was given as a true compliment. The person saying it liked him and liked the points he made. They made an observation not a insinuation that he should change. I don't know what Eureka moment your friend needs and perhaps you aren't the one to provide it, but if he honestly doesn't know, then I don't see any stupendous ways around his verbosity.

I think this is the best answer. I believe the person is most likely an ENFJ. I know a couple of them exactly like this. Their dominant function is Fe. I think what may be happening is that they will go on and on because they need lots of external validation/recognition (emotional feedback) from their 'audience'. When they don't get it because you've tuned out, they will persist making their point in as many ways as possible, not realizing it's getting them nowhere.

As an INTJ I have always found people who ramble, as you've described, infuriating and insufferable. I think INTJs might actually bring this out in ENFJs more because we don't 'give out' emotional feedback.

[Mikey69]

its like.. its just one long sentence.

Is he just finding it difficult to explain a concept and it comes out as rambling?

[cdpeck]

I usually just start crying. Try that.

[Mohammad]

Is he just finding it difficult to explain a concept and it comes out as rambling?

not quite. he's aware of the concept he's explaining. but he consistently gets emotionally riled up, and ends up rambling.

[paperclip]

ask directional questions, or say ''oh, that reminds me of a story.." (which may or may not relate to the problem the man is rambling about)

interject and redirect :thumbsup: