Those who've been in long-term relationships: How did you make it work?

[Parallel]

The notions that relationships nowadays seem to be ending so quickly and that many people are in unhappy relationships really bothers me. I know partly the reason is because they just keep their desires of wishing their partners would just try to change for the positive to themselves instead of communicating these desires. Obviously the bigger picture is that people just don't take commitment seriously and are too lazy to make a relationship work if it isn't perfect from the start or don't want to make the effort to keep it working when the honeymoon period is over.

So my question is, for people who have struggled in the beginning/during their relationships, what conflicts did you face, why did you think it was worth working through, and how did you overcome it?

[Tuesday]

Hi Parallel,

Wasn't sure if you just wanted to hear from other INTJ's so I will answer it from the perspective of an INFJ married to an ISTJ for 24 years.

You are correct in saying that commitment is not being taken seriously these days. Marriage and commitment have been devalued in society, people want instant, easy happiness, don't want to work at anything. The list is pretty long, I could go on and on.

How have we managed to stay together for 24 years:

1) We went through Christian based pre-marriage counseling.
2) Discussed our goals for our lives, marriage, children, etc.
3) Set up ground rules for arguments, i.e. no name calling, hitting, that kind of thing
4) Agreed to be open, honest, and transparent in our actions and communication
5) Show mutual respect for each other

We didn't start off having it easy and it has really never been easy. We faced many challenges such as
1)He was serving in the military while we were dating and first married; sent away to another country that I could not go to.
2) My inability to have children
3) Our differences in personality ( always an issue and always work)
4) The fact that he is in a high stress job (police officer)
5) My severe health problems (I've almost died twice)
6) His lifelong depression and OCD
7) This is probably the single most difficult thing we had to endure; he witnessed two fellow officers get killed and he had to shoot a man and kill him. He suffered from PTSD and severe depression and it was horrible. I thought I might lose him to suicide.

We were committed to see things through, we sought help from others, talked things out, did whatever it took. We have been through so much and I can't imagine not being with him. It was NOT easy. There were many tears and much heartache. But it has been worth it. We both have grown as individuals and our marriage has developed into a real partnership/friendship/deep love. Anytime you are in a long term relationship, you have to look at it as an investment worth growing, nurturing.

Both parties have to work as one, while respecting each other's individuality. You also have to have the mindset that you will work on it.

Hope this helps some.

[Phrixos]

I don't think the personality types are the only key factor in compatibility in relationships.

From what i have gathered, relationships are 2 way streets that you have to make sacrifices for, spend all your money on and take up a large portion of time.

Obviously a huge requirement is dedication.

If I had the desire to be in a relationship I would pick someone that I would be happy to make happy even at the cost of personal comfort etc.

Another is support. Women tend to need emotional maintenance more so than men.

So if you're female, know when to lay off.
If you're male, know when to comfort her.

There are many other things but i think these two go along way for the amount of effort required.
Personally I think relationships are a crock of shit and they do not interest me in the slightest. Women interest me, not on-going relationships with them. I cannot get the personal space I need in a relationship.

[azelismia]

I think the really difficulty is finding two people that WANT to be in long term relationships. Most people don't really want it. if you find someone that wants it and you want it, odds are you'll both figure it out. the challenges you're going to face and the means with which to deal with them are going to be different for everyone. but you have to want it. end and start of story.

[mkay]

My attitude toward life is not to force things. And I'd rather be alone than have to work at a relationship. I figure if you're going to be married, you should just marry a really good match. ... Growing up, I always figured I wouldn’t marry. (My parents had a nightmare marriage.) So when I dated, it was fun or it was sayonara, baby.

Then I met the INTJ guy I've been with for 17 years (married 14). It's not work; that's why it's great. ... We just fit really well. I think it especially works because he's INTJ and I'm a really independent and low-maintenance ENTP.

Many people end up splitting because they're immature and they grow apart, or they're delusional and love their image of each other rather than the actual person. We went into marriage knowing ourselves and each other well, having realistic expectations. For instance, we didn't expect to change each other, didn't have crazy expectations (like expecting a non-feeler to morph into a feeler); and we were both were happily leading our own lives, not looking for someone to fill some kind of void. We didn't expect an endless honeymoon, we didn't expect to meld two independent people into some magical "one" entity. And we both share the same core values and make each other laugh. Laughing is very important.

[Tuesday]

I agree you should share the same core values and know each other and accept each other. But to say marriage isn't work. Life hands you things you might never think of and they can shake you to your very core. Everyday stuff is a breeze, it's those very difficult moments that really take work.

You are correct that you can't change people, you won't make a feeler out of a non-feely type person, but you can grow and find a good balance.

Yes, laughing is so important. If you can find humor in not only every day things, but the difficult ones as well, it really helps. The ability to laugh at yourself and not always be so serious is a valuable asset to any relationship.

But in the end you do have to want a long term relationship of you might as well not worry about it.

[mkay]

I'm not saying marriage isn't work for other people. If people want to do that, hey, more power to them.

I'm saying this is what works in my marriage.

[Avid]

*Applauds Tuesday. *nods head at mkay


In the grand scheme of things me and my partner haven't been together all that long (since 05') but I still feel the need to share a couple things. I have had many relationships that would last anywhere from a week to a year and the main problem was my being an INTJ female. I'm not what men usually picture a woman to be. I am a romance crab, I like to be off by myself doing my own thing, I don't like meeting new people (I'm the sort who will chill near a wall and study everyone and maybe pick one out to talk to), I won't just agree with their opinion if I think it is wrong, I wasn't emotionally supportive enough, and had the tendency to word things all wrong almost all the time. Anyway, I enrolled in some general computer science class and met a most interesting INTJ fellow. One day he happened to walk by while I had my laptop apart and he was pretty much in love right there after quizzing me about the general parts. Took me a little longer to appreciate him since I was dating...whatever the worst personality type an INTJ can date.

My husband and I were friends for a good long while and then became romantic (in some gimpy sense of the word) and quickly married. It is absolute heaven. No work, no fights, we just sit around being who we are and do our own thing. List of why we work: we have same interests, same family values, he can put up with me, don't try to change each other, we talk at length about eeeeeeeeverything or sometimes don't talk at all, trust each other, neither of us is too emotional or clingy (2 things that really annoyed me with other men), we always put in the time and care to keep each other happy. I can't imagine being with anyone else. :lovestruck:

[Uytuun]

Hmm... I think long-term is quite doable for INTJs once we let the other person in (the doability of which is more debateable)...we're not very high-maintenance, we want to make things work etc.

[Chainsaw Dundee]

By keeping her in the freezer and only taking her out about once a week.

[silverbirch]

Oh how I would love to date someone who wasn't so sensitive.... I always seem to say the wrong thing too - but it's more that my other half want to read negatives in the things I say. I want to be with someone who doesn't look to pity themselves in an argument, but just listens, mulls things over and - if he disagrees with me, then cool!

[Colette]

So my question is, for people who have struggled in the beginning/during their relationships, what conflicts did you face, why did you think it was worth working through, and how did you overcome it?

I'll let you know once I manage to get one to work.

Quite like the freezer idea...seems INTJ-ish, somehow ;)