"I need alone time!"

[wedekit]

Well, I've been having this problem with my mom ever since I started going to college last year. I work hard all week, studying like crazy and doing nothing BUT that, and when my weekend comes around I want to relax and have some time to myself. During the week, I never get that because I'm a Sophomore Adviser (a step below a Resident Assistant) for my Res Hall, and I of course have a roommate. Even all the study rooms don't let me

However, my mom misses me a lot and wants me to come home every weekend. It's not like I don't love my mom, she's my best friend, but I just want to be alone for at LEAST a day or two. And Honestly, there is no way I could tell her that without hurting her feelings. Anyone else have the same problem?

[Rei]

I have the EXACT same problem.

To add to that, my sister has now moved out and my mother has EVEN MORE extra time on her hands.
She actually drove 2 hours, at night to visit me in dorm in the middle of the week.

[Firelie]

Well, I've been having this problem with my mom ever since I started going to college last year. I work hard all week, studying like crazy and doing nothing BUT that, and when my weekend comes around I want to relax and have some time to myself. During the week, I never get that because I'm a Sophomore Adviser (a step below a Resident Assistant) for my Res Hall, and I of course have a roommate. Even all the study rooms don't let me

However, my mom misses me a lot and wants me to come home every weekend. It's not like I don't love my mom, she's my best friend, but I just want to be alone for at LEAST a day or two. And Honestly, there is no way I could tell her that without hurting her feelings. Anyone else have the same problem?

Tell her you've got to study.

[Guido]

My mom tried to do the same thing... I'm not sure how far away home is for you, but for me it was a 2 hour bus trip. She eventually realized that it's not very practical. I go home holidays and birthdays, but no more than that. Time at home is by no means restful :/ I still have to deal with dreaded phone calls though :x

You can either hurt her feelings (hopefully as gently as possible) by nicely telling her to go away :D or you can ruin your weekends for the rest of your university life. I know what I would choose :o

[Tarrick]

Phones are evil, aren't they?

In any event, the only advise I have to give is to tell her the truth: Your an I and you need some space every now and then, otherwise you may snap, and that would be unpleasant for both of you.

[Rei]

Phones are evil, aren't they?

In any event, the only advise I have to give is to tell her the truth: Your an I and you need some space every now and then, otherwise you may snap, and that would be unpleasant for both of you.

Oh they SOOOO are. My mother has a record of 7 phone calls a day. AND she always calls at the most inconvenient times too.

Perhaps you should explain the importance of hermit time in your life.

[wedekit]

Oh no... my mom is an F, no matter what I say she will take it personally.

I think she has given me phone anxiety.

[Rei]

Oh no... my mom is an F, no matter what I say she will take it personally.

I think she has given me phone anxiety.


Well I should like to think that she's a grown person, and will get over it =/
But guess you know your mother best.

I sure am glad mine is a T.

[Jbmontag]

Very early I had a habit of disappearing and my parents are used to it. It also helped that I went in the army at 17 and spent most of it half a world away. They still dislike the fact I refuse to own a phone.

Luckily they have my siblings who are nearby and I live out of state. I pop in for a hello every couple years and that seems to work.

[rwyatt365]

Oh no... my mom is an F, no matter what I say she will take it personally.

I think she has given me phone anxiety.

Have you tried setting times when you will call/visit/talk to her? The trick is to tell her when you'd love to talk with her and maybe she won't freak over the times when you don't.

Set boundaries.

[MichaelH]

Your mom should understand that you need some private time. The trick is ensuring she gets some attention too. She's probably worried about being cut out of your life so she's overdoing the clinginess. If you can promise to come over, say, one weekend a month, then you could have the other three free to do your thing. Some assurance for the parents makes all the difference in the world.

If it helps any, you're not alone in this situation. My parents took me to college the day before my birthday, then asked what I wanted for my birthday. My response: "To be alone and explore the campus." They did it! Looking back: ouch. I had a blast at the time, though. :)

[OneBadMother]

Yup, exact same problem. I solve it by not picking up the phone when my mom calls. By now my mom doesn't expect me to pick up right away, so I've managed to keep it down to once a week conversations, which is much better than the initial "I'm going to call you EVERY DAY, and visit every month!!!" Strangely, my dad's a bit better about these things, despite being an F to my mom's extreme T.

[susiegurl77]

Crazy story, I know exactly what your going through! Actually I am now a Junior and my folks wanted me home every weekend. This is pretty difficult to do, but you have to set boundaries. When you go home again, tell your mom that you are going to start coming home every two weeks. Truthfully, it's not easy for you or your parent. BUT, this is something that HAS to happen. Sooner or later. =) Heads up though, try to give her a phone call, even a two minuet call everyday. That way she doesn't feel like you don't want to be with her. Hope that helps!

[ClydeB]

I am not a fan of lying. But if your mother will truly take it personally that you don't want to see her. Perhaps a little white lie is in order. Call her during the week and start gushing about that special person you met in college. No matter what the subject is with Mom on the phone, keep bringing it back to Mr or Ms special. Then say you want to spend the weekend getting some down time from class and do not want to go 'home'. Which is the truth. But Mom will think you want to spend time with your new date.

May not work in the long term. Because Mom may want to meet them or something.

On second thought. Maybe just say you have a study group on the weekend or some other obligations that keep you there. Then go hide in the back areas of the library if Mom starts making trips to see you instead.

[daleee]

i need alone time a lot

[AnteSixFour]

My mum has somehow instinctively understood my need for 'alone time' since I was very little so I've had no problems being in that situation. But I think your mum would understand too if you just explained to her that your alone time is very important to you in order to relax and recharge your batteries. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now and as an INTJ, if you don't do that every so often, it could really wear you down physically.

[SimplyOtter]

Oh no... my mom is an F, no matter what I say she will take it personally.


I understand perfectly what you mean, and I'm an F too. So I don't think it depends on that, but more on habits and unconscious expectations/sense of guilt. Once you have really clear with yourself that you don't have to feel guilty for that, because it doesn't mean that you don't love her, it will be easier for you to apply Rwyatt's advice, which is exactly what I've done. And IT WORKS!!

Have you tried setting times when you will call/visit/talk to her? The trick is to tell her when you'd love to talk with her and maybe she won't freak over the times when you don't.

Set boundaries.

In addition to that, you can make her read your personality profile, maybe that would help her understand you better.

Good luck, you can make it :)

[dragonsscout]

My family (Mom:INFJ, Dad:InTJ, Sister:ENFP) and I have set up a system where we video chat for about an hour a week and the rest of the time is for me and school. Of course, I'm an 8 hour car ride away, so it's more difficult to get to me.