(Il)logical Dating

[TheLastMohican]

What sense does it make to act as though a dating relationship will continue to marriage?

If one assumes that the dating relationship will not last, what sense does it make to continue it?

Discuss.

[Americano]

The only thing I can think of is that one would get a better idea of what kind of qualities they are looking for in their future beloved.

[sriv]

Patience is a virtue. The good side of people is revealed in time.

[thod]

Because Mr/Miss perfect is so very hard to find. So you stick with what you know, what you have got, as being good enough for now. Then you stop looking because you don't want to hurt you partner by leaving them and you don't want to go back to the dating game. Then you marry them because you have been together for so long you may as well do so.

If you have to get out, then get out fast. It only gets harder the longer you are together.

[ShaiGar]

When I deign to date a girl, I've already cleared her past all of my requirements for a person to be with long term. I date as if I plan on being with them for the rest of my life... If I were to consider dating a person with an end date in mind, or even an end to the relationship in mind, well... Why even bother wasting time on them? Sex? A hand can do just as well.

That said, it does take a hell of a lot to get past the requirements to date me. For example there is a girl I go to uni with, and work with who has both extraordinary beauty, and a great sense of humour. She is also intelligent and doesn't bother with small talk. These are all very good points in her favour, however she makes herself very hard to get to know so I've shelved any possible romantic relationship with her. However since she has all those good points all I need to do is ignore her beauty and sam could probably make a good friend.

[punkyplatypus]

Practice? Challenge? Pushed by illogical notions like love, lust, desperation, and hope? A need to have a close connection with another human? A feeling of limited time to achieve certain life goals involving a mate?

I believe mature, romantic relationships should focus on longevity and marriage. However, it's not always black and white. When you're in a relationship, there are ups and downs. Sometimes everything is fine, other times everything is miserable. That's part of every relationship, because nobody is perfect. Some may see this as a challenge they can endure and conquer; others need to move on. By having different relationships for "practice", one can determine what challenges are worth working through (a messy mate) which ones they need to avoid (a jobless mate). People will take from this experience to decide what standards they can change to achieve certain goals or fulfill certain uncontrollable urges.

[ElstonGunn]

What sense does it make to act as though a dating relationship will continue to marriage?

A person's outlook might have an impact on the outcome. If you go into a dating relationship expecting it to not work, that might affect how well it works. I'm not advocating naivety, though. Statistically speaking, the odds are against you when it comes to turning a date into a spouse. That leads into your next question.


If one assumes that the dating relationship will not last, what sense does it make to continue it?

Some people actually consider dating to be a fun activity in and of itself (crazy, right?). Everyone else so far has also mentioned possible reasons, as well.

Also, most people seem to have a profound fear of being alone. Not many people would admit it, but I get the impression that four out of five people would stick with a relationship that they knew wasn't very good just because they can't see how being single would be better than that.

[bucolic_]

Not everyone dates with the intention to get married. Some people just want a temporary partner. It all depends on what the person is looking for.

[blueback]

I think a lot of people feel like they have to teach themselves to tolerate the imperfections of other people if they want to be with someone.

I'd rather put my effort into finding someone who doesn't have anything I'd consider an imperfection.

[mkay]

I'd rather put my effort into finding someone who doesn't have anything I'd consider an imperfection.

Wow, seriously? I've never heard of anyone who says his / her partner is perfect, no matter how much love there is.





mkay added to this post, 3 minutes and 19 seconds later...

What sense does it make to act as though a dating relationship will continue to marriage?

I don't see marriage as a goal for everyone.

I'm happily married, but I never planned to get married. I think if I hadn't met my husband, I could've happily stayed single and had relationships.

[malefide]

What sense does it make to act as though a dating relationship will continue to marriage?

If one assumes that the dating relationship will not last, what sense does it make to continue it?

Discuss.

You are assuming that marriage is the goal of everyone. It is not. If/when I were to date someone, I would not be looking for someone to marry. But I would be looking for a good, long-term, interesting partnership. My high standards = lack of dating on my part.

[TheLastMohican]

You are assuming that marriage is the goal of everyone.

I am not assuming that; It would also work if you acted as though a dating relationship was not going to eventually end. We already know that this is almost always that case, yet people seem to be mortified if you approach it realistically. It seems that the common idea is that if you are in love with someone, then you are supposed to be convinced that it will always be that way, despite being proven wrong so many times in the past. This is the kind of faulty logic that leads to Hollywood stars refusing to sign prenups, and then getting financially burned when they get divorced.

[Noehelia]

So, why try to enjoy your life (or do anything in it) if eventually you are going to die?
I like being in a relationship without a goal. It is like having friends, you enjoy being with them, you gain so much from your everyday activity with them, there is no particular goal.

[malefide]

I am not assuming that; It would also work if you acted as though a dating relationship was not going to eventually end.
Sure, that works. The wording ("marriage") in your OP simply led me to think you were making that assumption.

We already know that this is almost always that case, yet people seem to be mortified if you approach it realistically. It seems that the common idea is that if you are in love with someone, then you are supposed to be convinced that it will always be that way, despite being proven wrong so many times in the past.

It is emotionally disturbing for a lot of people to consider that a good thing in the present might not be here in the (near or far) future, because most people are inherently afraid of not being in a relationship as well as losing what they have at the moment. But just because a relationship doesn't last until the death of one of the partners doesn't mean it cannot have a positive overall effect on the individuals involved.

[blueback]

Wow, seriously? I've never heard of anyone who says his / her partner is perfect, no matter how much love there is.
.

There's a first time for everything ;-P
But seriously, I figure it should be possible to find someone who I rate as either neutral or positive on all traits. My point was that the lack of negative traits should be possible to find.

[Uytuun]

Learning (to appreciate useless things), having fun...I too prefer the goal-less.

[malefide]

There's a first time for everything ;-P
But seriously, I figure it should be possible to find someone who I rate as either neutral or positive on all traits. My point was that the lack of negative traits should be possible to find.

My closest friend qualifies like this for me. All of her "negative" traits don't actually bother me that much and haven't ever done any harm to our relationship. All her other traits I can rate a either positive or neutral. Of course it might be different for an SO, but at least one of my human relationships has come pretty close to perfect. :P

[DrEast]

I myself have always viewed marriage as the end goal of the dating process, following much the same logic you have here, LM. Not sure what the problem is.

[IgnoranceIsKind]

I don't think dating, especially in your adolescent years is a waste of time. Like a point made in a few posts before mine, it allows you to properly define what traits you would prefer in your partner and this prepares you for marriage. It is also beneficial to oneself because from your own experiences, you mature emotionally. You make mistakes, you learn from them. I think as INTJs we are less socially inept as most types, I dare say, and with relationships are that aren't with the intention of marriage, you start to learn. And in the time that comes when you finally decide to 'settle down', you find yourself armed with an arsenal of ideas of how to act appropriately, etc and to properly assess whether this person is fitting as a life long partner.

At least, thats the case for me. In my past relationships, I've learned alot. So my reasoning is no, dating without the intention of marriage is definitely not a waste of time.

[Chimerical]

What sense does it make to act as though a dating relationship will continue to marriage?

If one assumes that the dating relationship will not last, what sense does it make to continue it?

Discuss.

Goal:marriage
This all depends on if the individual wants to get married to begin with. It makes sense to assume the possibility of marriage, if that's your goal. If you wish to get married and that's the only reason you date is to further that goal then it makes sense to date someone and see how compatible you are. You need to look at her/his pro's and con's. This is by comparison to how you react to this person. You can gauge a probability level from this and know if you should or should further it.

If one assumes the relationship isn't going to last it's not always best to discard it. You may have overlooked something. If one is certain that it's not going to last, and the goal is marriage, then it is wise to discard it.


So long as one aims to be married it makes sense to look at every relationship as a potential future marriage.


If you don't care for marriage, like me, then it's a different story.
I makes absolutely no sense to assume something will turn into marriage when you don't want to be married in the first place.

If you know it's going to end eventually, but you're enjoying yourself and it's a profitable experience then it's perfectly fine to stick around and have fun and live life. I've done that many times, stick around with a girl that I know isn't going to work out. We had fun and the whole time I try to think of the best way to break up with her without letting her down. Eventually I'll come up with something and break it down nice and easy for her so she's not upset. I usually end up setting my girlfriends up with someone who'd be more compatible for them than I am.

Most of them do something here and there that irritates me, but I can get past that if the pro's weigh out the con's.

In the world of relationship's my biggest regret was a girl I broke up with prematurely because I knew it would never work out. My friend's dad gave me a ride home one day and gave me some of the best advice I've heard about relationships.

He said that even though I knew it wasn't going to work out we were both young. In order to get that relationship that does work out you need to mature and grow from the ones that don't, and even if you never find her you can still have fun trying. Stop taking it too seriously, you'll only end up depressed and lonely that way. Live life, enjoy life, eventually you'll mature and have a better idea of what you want, then it'll be more likely to come your way.

[pensivemuse7]

In order to get that relationship that does work out you need to mature and grow from the ones that don't, and even if you never find her you can still have fun trying. Stop taking it too seriously, you'll only end up depressed and lonely that way. Live life, enjoy life, eventually you'll mature and have a better idea of what you want, then it'll be more likely to come your way.

I definitely agree with these statements. I do believe that dating should have some kind of intention of a long-term relationship, not necessarily marriage, but consider it a possibility. However, some relationships are there to find out what qualities of a person you want or do not want. Of course, I don't think that there is a person out there for anyone. That's hollywood dressing up relationships to be perfect and that everyone has a soulmate. There are billions of people out there...anyone could be your 'soulmate'. However relationships do require work, and when it comes to long-term, you should decide if you are willing to put in this work.

Anyway, enjoy the time you have with the person. And honestly, don't automatically assume that the person you are with is not going to be the one unless you don't want them to be the one. I think if you take the time to get to know someone and still decided to date them, there has to be potential there. Its just up to both individuals to try and be willing to develop upon that potential.

[mkay]

And for someone who wasn't looking to get married, dating was a lot of fun. If you're a person without much baggage and are mature and upfront, you can meet a variety of smart, interesting people. When you drift apart or end things, it doesn't have to be dramatic or unpleasant. ... For me, meeting someone I actually wanted to marry was an amazing surprise. I've been with my INTJ for 17 years total now, and I'm still very happily surprised. Who knew I'd meet a guy who'd love me exactly for who I am and vice versa, who's as independent as I am and yet shares all the right values and priorities? Wow. ... I wouldn't have met him at all if I hadn't been open to meeting people just to date, and now my life is so much richer for it.

[philonightmare]

What sense does it make to act as though a dating relationship will continue to marriage?

If one assumes that the dating relationship will not last, what sense does it make to continue it?
I've been thinking of these questions a lot the past year. I usually have a good idea of whether someone has "long-term potential" or not in the first few dates. I've rarely encountered a man whom I dated thinking automatically that we were in a relationship, but the rare occasion it occurred, and I knew we didn't have chemistry to sustain a relationship, I made it very clear within a few days that continuing to date would not be possible any longer.

However, I'm facing a situation right now, dating someone who may or may not be long-term potential, aka: marriage, and it's only with time that I will be able to tell whether or not he's going to fulfill my expectations for a lifelong mate. As a friend, I know he will remain great, but my standards for friends and lovers are different.

[sriv]

Like what punky and ignoranceiskind said, dating without love could be made logical if it was practice for the real deal. Practice of behavior around the opposite sex, practice of psychoanalyzing without looking or seeming like it, practice of suaveness, and practice of everything else an INTJ sucks at. Most INTJs are unwilling to take this time, effort, and energy to relieve them of burdens later on, including me.

[mlsj1]

I've never saw dating leading to marriage, I see marriage as an by product of dating.