Do girls learn to look for specific criteria in a mate earlier?

[FeelTheNoise]

I just realized that I haven't *really* considered what I need in a mate. My way of choosing one is to accept those that find me, or those that don't run from me, who are physically attractive to me and seem to be nice (to me). I have LEFT relationships that proved unsatisfactory, but I didn't go into any of them with a clear definition of what I wanted to find in someone....

Now, I do know what I need in a relationship. For me, it may be that I'm so 'different' than most people that I meet, that I've learned not to expect to find in them similar characteristics that I understand about myself. So, in the past I've settled, thinking that I'd somehow have my relationship needs met either on my own, or I'd build it out of the human clay given to me to work with.... I've had some 'good times', and some 'deep relationships', but it really hasn't worked out that well. I guess I do want to find someone that I could be together with forever.

I've got a couple of questions about that.
First, from reading online more than anything, it seems that women "look for" specific qualities in their mates starting at a much younger age than men do.

Is this true? Do females learn to look for specific criteria in a mate sooner in life than males do?

Is this true of 'most' females, or is it 'type' specific?

[katrin]

I think this depends on individuals, not gender or type necessarily. It seems to me that as people gain dating experience, they learn what qualities they like and which ones they don't.

[emw1981]

i do think that i have a "way" of looking at a guy. even earlier in life, it would cross my mind "would he be a good father" "would he being loyal and faithful" "do our bodies match" (im really short, and i dont want short kids-cus i know how much it sucks, so ive noticed i am attracted to tall men) i have usually dated based on personality and the feeling of acceptance i get from the guy-but in general, they have all ended up over 6' and would be good dads and husbands. with each relationship that goes down the tubes, another set of "NOs" happens as well. (no guys who are mamas boys, or no silver spoons, or obsessed with football, etc)

[stock]

For me, not really, I suspect I had an ideal of some sort. I didnt find it though, so just did not date much. It is funny as I was just reading Jung's discussions of anima and animus, and I suppose I could correlate the ideal to an animus.

But at some point I realized that that ideal was perhaps idealistic :), thus found someone who met the main criteria-being "different" and very smart. It turns out an ISTP at 20 looks a bit like an INTJ at 20. ;)

As I have become old and wrinkly, my criteria have become more specific-They have to tolerate my kids, be intelligent, and be financially responsible.

[Moondyn]

We all look for specific characteristics in other humans whether we know it or not. Its a basic subconscious function. Now being aware of it is another question.

[elizabeth lover]

I learned what works and what doesnt through sheer experience.

I think early on I had some vague ideas of what I wanted a guy to be like, but in persuing those qualities I found out how incompatible they were with me. so I revised.

[Calica]

I guess it depends from person to person and what kind of relationship they are after. One friend of mine just goes with the flow and doesn`t dismiss anyone right away (unless she doesn`t find them remotely attractive), another one has a list of required characteristics. And she actually met someone that matches it almost to a T. To each their own, but actually putting a specific list together, instead of just mentally crossing out the obvious no-no`s, seems kinda silly to me. Just because someone fits a list it doesn`t mean you`ll actually click or even like them. Sometimes you don`t know what`s best for you until it`s in front of your nose. Or maybe I`m just too much of a romantic. *shrugs*

[Ilara]

I think this depends on individuals, not gender or type necessarily. It seems to me that as people gain dating experience, they learn what qualities they like and which ones they don't.

+1

I learned as I went along. I was very aware of my deal-breakers, but as for the things I was looking for--well, that depended on the type of relationship I wanted. I have more expectations when looking for something long-term, for example--things like stability, reliability, consistency, solidity, etc... take on a greater priority for me than they would if I were just looking for a fling or something to keep me entertained through my undergrad or whatever.

[fokalina]

Do females learn to look for specific criteria in a mate sooner in life than males do? Is this true of 'most' females, or is it 'type' specific?
For my experience with 'most' females...
That sounds true. Females talk more about specific criteria in mates.
But that doesn't look true. Females like mates, whether or not the criteria are met.

I just realized that I haven't *really* considered what I need in a mate. ... Now, I do know what I need in a relationship.
This sounds contradictory, but I think I'm very similar.
I don't do checklists. I just know what I need/like/want (when I need/like/want it.)
It's like grocery shopping. I go to the store and walk down every isle. I scan virtually everything. Most things are [don't] need/[don't] like/[don't] wants. Those stay on the shelves. But a few things are need/like/wants (or don't need/like/wants). Those come home with me (sometimes on their own two legs. :))

Oh, I guess my point was: We're all different shoppers. Some prefer checklists, others don't.
So don't feel obligated to "*really* consider what I need in a mate."

[FeelTheNoise]

Those come home with me (sometimes on their own two legs. :))


This might be off topic... but do you really pick people up at the grocery store? If so, how does that work? I think it would be fairly straightforward for a female. But, as a male, I think there's a h u g e risk of coming off as seeming 'creepy'. In fact, these days it's hard to meet anyone _anywhere_ without the risk of being deemed 'creepy'. Maybe that's why the male construction worker mating call is still alive and well today. It defies the creepyness, and simply is what it is.

[fokalina]

This might be off topic... but do you really pick people up at the grocery store? If so, how does that work?
LOL. No, I don't. (Though that doesn't mean I wouldn't.)
I had gone into a grocery store analogy and I was coming out of it...or attempting to. :)

I think it would be fairly straightforward for a female. But, as a male, I think there's a h u g e risk of coming off as seeming 'creepy'. In fact, these days it's hard to meet anyone _anywhere_ without the risk of being deemed 'creepy'. Maybe that's why the male construction worker mating call is still alive and well today. It defies the creepyness, and simply is what it is.
For some reason I thought you were female. :thinking: Sorry.
Umm...it could be creepy. But it wouldn't have to be.
Do you ever employ the male construction worker mating call? ;)