trouble with an ENFJ friend (regarding sexuality)

[Guildenstern]

I have an ENFJ friend that is struggling coming to terms with his sexuality. I am a friend of his and has spoken with him on multiple occasions, some of which in accompany of other close friends. I am bisexual, which he also admits to being, although I suspect he is probably gay (which is fairly irrelevant).

When he is around me, or other non-straight/VERY close friends he has claimed that he feels more comfortable about being himself, and admits that he is Bi. However, he has some fairly conservative friends that he fears the loss of if he were to come out. He goes through what seems like bouts of depression that last a couple weeks that occur maybe... once a month, once every other month... where he completely shuts down, denies being bi/gay, doesn't communicate with anyone that knows he's Bi (i.e. all of his close friends). I have tried being helpful: expressing that many of his friend and myself care about him, offer to talk to him, and try making plans with him.... but he always blows me/other people off (especially during his depressed stages).

How should I deal with this ENFJ? Is there a way to peel past their tough "sweep all problems under the rug" attitude? He has always been a fairly rational person. Although, his actions with this scenario have been absolutely irrational. He is very afraid of being Out... even though I, and many of his LGBT friends are Out.

Any help with the ENFJ psyche would be appreciated, even if unrelated to the sexuality dilemma.

[rickster]

When he is around me, or other non-straight/VERY close friends he has claimed that he feels more comfortable about being himself, and admits that he is Bi. However, he has some fairly conservative friends that he fears the loss of if he were to come out. He goes through what seems like bouts of depression that last a couple weeks that occur maybe... once a month, once every other month... where he completely shuts down, denies being bi/gay, doesn't communicate with anyone that knows he's Bi (i.e. all of his close friends). I have tried being helpful: expressing that many of his friend and myself care about him, offer to talk to him, and try making plans with him.... but he always blows me/other people off (especially during his depressed stages).

Dude's got some serious issues. My clininical diagnosis is Fuckup, and coming out is not - I repeat not - going to make those issues go away. He's got his priorities all wrong for starters if he's investing his entire identitity in his sexual identity. Here's some real simple priority stuff he needs to get straightened out ASAP:

1. Be a human being. Realize there's a big wide world of human beings out there, and that you're nothing special whatsoever.

2. Be a man. Get your head out of your gay ass, and realize you've got lots of non-gay brothers out there with issues too. You've got more in common with them than you think, and vice versa. Some of them are great guys, and if you step up to the plate and acknowledge you gender as fellow men and human beings you'll find they really don't give a shit about your sex life.

3. Your sexuality isnt who you are - see above. Your sexuality is what you do in bed (or in public parks, as the case may be). Unnecessarily focusing on your sexuality as identity will simply lead you think that you are a "special person", with "special needs". You're not.


How should I deal with this ENFJ? Is there a way to peel past their tough "sweep all problems under the rug" attitude?

It's not your job. Deal with your own integrity requirements from him, rather than pandering to him or trying to make things right for him. Call him on his bullshit if it's bothering you.


He has always been a fairly rational person. Although, his actions with this scenario have been absolutely irrational. He is very afraid of being Out... even though I, and many of his LGBT friends are Out.

There's nothing rational about self-loathing. It just helps lies and deceit fester, and excuses disloyalty and basic untrustworthiness.

Any help with the ENFJ psyche would be appreciated, even if unrelated to the sexuality dilemma.

Consider the above Universal Truths For Closeted Fuckups. It trumps MBTI every time!

[SShack]

I have a long-distance INFJ buddy who does something similar. He says he's bi, though I have never heard him say anything expressing sexual interest in women, only men, and he withdraws a lot. Lives in a rural part of a red state. I'm betting nobody knows he has an interest in guys if he doesn't say anything. (He was actually looking for action on a gay hookup site yet identifying as straight in his profile)

I don't make a big deal about it honestly. It's his sexuality and if he's not ready to deal, he's not ready to deal. You're not in control of his psyche and trying to force somebody to come out rarely ends well. But I also don't self-censor for his benefit. I act like me. If that makes him uncomfortable, so be it.

I wonder if it's an expression of Fe over Fi as a decision-making tool: "Harmonious" relationships between friends being so important to him he doesn't want to risk screwing anything up.

[Alrah]

I have an ENFJ friend that is struggling coming to terms with his sexuality. I am a friend of his and has spoken with him on multiple occasions, some of which in accompany of other close friends. I am bisexual, which he also admits to being, although I suspect he is probably gay (which is fairly irrelevant).

When he is around me, or other non-straight/VERY close friends he has claimed that he feels more comfortable about being himself, and admits that he is Bi. However, he has some fairly conservative friends that he fears the loss of if he were to come out. He goes through what seems like bouts of depression that last a couple weeks that occur maybe... once a month, once every other month... where he completely shuts down, denies being bi/gay, doesn't communicate with anyone that knows he's Bi (i.e. all of his close friends). I have tried being helpful: expressing that many of his friend and myself care about him, offer to talk to him, and try making plans with him.... but he always blows me/other people off (especially during his depressed stages).

How should I deal with this ENFJ? Is there a way to peel past their tough "sweep all problems under the rug" attitude? He has always been a fairly rational person. Although, his actions with this scenario have been absolutely irrational. He is very afraid of being Out... even though I, and many of his LGBT friends are Out.

Any help with the ENFJ psyche would be appreciated, even if unrelated to the sexuality dilemma.

I know it's hard but you can't micro-manage your friends. If you do - you'll alienate them. He's going through something and although you may be able to look ahead and think you can save him some of the pain of the process of coming out, if he let you then you'd be robbing him of something. The best you can do is listen and offer advice when he asks you, but also pay attention to when he signals a cut off and wants you to go back into 'let's have fun and be mates' mode.

This isn't your problem and you should back off and allow him room to work through this process while letting him know that you're a reliable sounding board and will be there for him in a way that he won't relate to as mom or big sister mode. He needs to know that he doesn't need to worry that you'll get insulted if he doesn't turn to you for advice, and that you have confidence in him - even if what he's going through right now and how he's dealing doesn't make a whole lot of sense to you.

[kristle]

How should I deal with this ENFJ? Is there a way to peel past their tough "sweep all problems under the rug" attitude? He has always been a fairly rational person. Although, his actions with this scenario have been absolutely irrational. He is very afraid of being Out... even though I, and many of his LGBT friends are Out.

Any help with the ENFJ psyche would be appreciated, even if unrelated to the sexuality dilemma.

When I read this I can't help but wonder if he's struggling with his moral view of being gay/bi. Maybe it has nothing to do with it and he's just got a lot of self discovery he's going through that's making him depressed. But with the way you mention he's blowing off his bi/gay friends makes me think he's distancing himself from that lifestyle or the people that would embrace him in it. Just gives me the moral dilemma vibe. If that's the case you might have to let him work them out himself. Be supportive in any way you can, but it won't be over until he comes to an emotional decision.

[Guildenstern]

Thank you guys for your input.

I guess I will continue my role of waiting for him to come to his senses... and being there for him when he needs someone to talk to :/

@Kristle: I am almost certain that he doesn't have any moral dilemma associated with being bi/gay. He is an atheist and a somewhat liberal person.

[rickster]

I have a long-distance INFJ buddy who does something similar. He says he's bi, though I have never heard him say anything expressing sexual interest in women, only men, and he withdraws a lot. Lives in a rural part of a red state. I'm betting nobody knows he has an interest in guys if he doesn't say anything. (He was actually looking for action on a gay hookup site yet identifying as straight in his profile)


This is where closetry becomes something else. Using your alleged straightness as bait screams of a better than, or more desirable mindset. Bottom line, if you're trying to hustle up cock on the internetz then you're a fag.



This isn't your problem and you should back off and allow him room to work through this process while letting him know that you're a reliable sounding board and will be there for him in a way that he won't relate to as mom or big sister mode.

With process being the operative word here.



I guess I will continue my role of waiting for him to come to his senses... and being there for him when he needs someone to talk to :/.

Coming out is an ongoing process. How long it takes - or how traumatic it is - changes from individual to individual. Under no circumstances pander to his deceitful ways: just try to be a role-model of well-adjusted and confident sexuality yourself. :)

[jtuck]

I would suggest the book The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by bell hooks. It helped me understand with more clarity and solid language how social constructs of what is and is not appropriate for men function in the lives of various men I know and all the ones I know intimately and love. It may give you some new insights or lenses to view through in negotiating the situation.

[larkin]

Thank you guys for your input.

I guess I will continue my role of waiting for him to come to his senses... and being there for him when he needs someone to talk to :/

Not sure I have much to add to the coming out process - as rickster et al said, it's a process that varies greatly from individual to individual and you can't rush it.

On the subject of ENFJs, meanwhile, I will say I have seen from them an impressive tolerance for sweeping things under the rug, and it is bothersome. It simply seems unhealthy, relating to any number of issues that may or may not have anything to do with sexuality.

I'm not one for any sort of micromanagement. To the extent I've seen any success trying to move people away from this tendency it's only been making sure they have someone they feel comfortable speaking to openly. Someone who they don't feel they have to manage, or be on display for. The fewer expectations this person has of the ENFJ, the better - he may withdraw because he feels he needs to be a certain way with you.