Do you as an INTJ ever use doorslamming?

[mind_wander]

I read on other personality types used the doorslamming, like INFJ. My interperation of the doorslamming is when you are using this as a defensive mechanism to shut out others from your life for a brief moment; later get back to them. I've used this approach occasionally.

[The Rose]

Yes.
I would slam the door and forget all about them - never to be let back in.
Like turning a faucet off.
I think that's how I protected myself from pain.
I don't do that anymore.

Although, wait a minute...
I guess there are a couple of people who I feel rejected me, so I don't pursue them any more.
Far be it from me to force myself on someone.
But that's not quite the same thing.

There are 3 women in my life who I can't get along with so I avoid them.
I'm not a nurturer of relationships anyway.

[mind_wander]

lol, great examples of doorslamming. Yeah, there are INTJ's in here who had used this and not admitting it.

[Firelie]

We're not referring to literal doorslamming, right? I have too much respect for doors to slam them.

I always cut people off when I decide I'm done with them. Except my last ex bf, I still try to be friends with him even though he's certain I hate him or something. Oh, and this one girl I used to be friends with, I kinda cut her off on accident...she was always whining about everyone hating her, so I explained it to her one day and she didn't take it so well (I've since learned not to tell people my observations about them...). I guess I didn't really slam the door on my first bf, either, since he's still my friend (albeit an entirely platonic one -- he's married with a kid on the way now...oddly, she looks quite a bit like me). Due to MySpace, a lot of the people I cut ties with are sorta creeping back, though. I don't know how to explain it, I'm a bit fascinated with seeing how people have turned out or something.

[mind_wander]

We're not referring to literal doorslamming, right? *I have too much respect for doors to slam them.

I always cut people off when I decide I'm done with them. *Except my last ex bf, I still try to be friends with him even though he's certain I hate him or something. *Oh, and this one girl I used to be friends with, I kinda cut her off on accident...she was always whining about everyone hating her, so I explained it to her one day and she didn't take it so well (I've since learned not to tell people my observations about them...). *I guess I didn't really slam the door on my first bf, either, since he's still my friend (albeit an entirely platonic one -- he's married with a kid on the way now...oddly, she looks quite a bit like me). *Due to MySpace, a lot of the people I cut ties with are sorta creeping back, though. *I don't know how to explain it, I'm a bit fascinated with seeing how people have turned out or something.

Nice examples, the doorslamming concepts is not the literal meaning, but the defense mechanism to cut-ties, break-off people's words, etc.

[gwalchma]

Oh yeah! I'm a door slammer from wayyy back! I was 20yo the first time someone told me that I have this "switch" I use for people. It took me a few years to fully understand - being 20 and immature I was not about to accept what others said about me as I didn't think they knew a darn thing anyways!
But yes, I still have that defense mechanism - I turn that switch off on a person, that's it! Now it takes alot more than it did back then to get me to that point. I've learned discernment and how to be more cautious about who I let in my life, so those that are "in" are usually the ones I intend on keeping. That sounds really arrogant, as I read it, so let me rephrase: those are the ones I feel accept me and my "idiosyncrasies" as much as I accept theirs!
As far as letting someone back in...I usually regret it down the road and flip that switch for good.

[mind_wander]

Closing the door is so normal to INTJ's, but opening it is so hard.

[rwyatt365]

"Doorslamming" – so there's a word for it now?! Do I use it – ABSOLUTELY!

Short-term; when dealing with irrational, or overly emotional people - *BANG!* - I tune them out and listen to my internal voice until the storm has passed.

Long-term; when I'm through with someone (as in they've done irreparable harm to me and I have determined not to have anything further to do with them) - *BANG!* - they are officially out of my life.

[mind_wander]

"Doorslamming" – so there's a word for it now?! Do I use it – ABSOLUTELY!

Short-term; when dealing with irrational, or overly emotional people - *BANG!* - I tune them out and listen to my internal voice until the storm has passed.

Long-term; when I'm through with someone (as in they've done irreparable harm to me and I have determined not to have anything further to do with them) - *BANG!* - they are officially out of my life.
Man, you really crack me up; I am so happy to be on this forum. Why is that?, you wrote it all out for me.

Step 1- I totally agree with you
Step 2- I absolutely agree with you, however I believe in second chances [this is due to Asian cultural side-mental conscience]

[rwyatt365]

Man, you really crack me up; I am so happy to be on this forum. Why is that?, you wrote it all out for me.

Step 1- I totally agree with you
Step 2- I absolutely agree with you, however I believe in second chances [this is due to Asian cultural side-mental conscience]
My philosophy on long-term doorslamming; Any person has three chances to screw me over. I will not change my approach to that person, or treat them less civilly while they are operating within that "grace period". I will let them know that they have crossed the line and that they are in jeopardy of being cut out. I will also let them know what they have done, how it affected me, and what they can do to rectify the situation.

Then I wait…and count; one, two, three…

On the third (and final) "screw-over" I will sit the person down and tell them that I am done with them, that I have nothing further to do with them and that they should not expect to hear from, or see me again (unless by accident). The whole process is very civil (at least for me it is). After that, door closed – time to move on.

I have done this with ex-acquaintances, ex-girlfriends, and ex-wives (only one BTW). I am about to do this with my father if he persists in bad-mouthing me to my son (he's on #2 now). No one is immune.

I said all of that to say this; I believe that I am fair when I "doorslam", and I do give people second chances.

[mind_wander]

I know what you mean. Well back to my personality trait, lol putting in this term. The silent treatment is the worst, I don't send an email, voicemail, no pink slips, or notice that you are cut off. On with my life, keep coming back more silence to ya, eventually somewhere it will click I don't like you.

[iamnotspock]

As a child I used literal door-slamming. As an adult, figurative door-slamming.

[deicruxified]

lol, great examples of doorslamming. Yeah, there are INTJ's in here who had used this and not admitting it.
errr yeah brooded inside the my room for the next 48 hours i only come out if i'm already extremely hungry

[Reversed]

*Literal approach*

I find doors to be highly practical.
:P
For general usage that is.

As I'm maturing though, I'm considering to either doorslam in a more figurative way or simply close the door gently when needed, as actual doorslamming can come off pretty agressive and angered.
But sure, I have done it before.

I've also been told by my violin teacher that when I enter the classroom it's hard not to notice, because I'm not subtle when opening and closing the door. I was not even aware of this at that time. Quirky story.

*Figurative approach*

I've slammed a door in people's face before, yes. Once I'm through with someone (and I do give people chances) it's over. Unless they decide to have a make-over and let me know in some way or another, but I generally don't believe in such "miracles".

One time, while doing this figuratively, I also did it literally. As the person was walking behind me I was through with him and slammed the door in front of him right after leaving the class. Lulz guaranteed, and he got the message.

[daydreamer]

door-slamming no. but my phone is frequently off the hook. i guess that makes me less decisive and more passive aggressive by default LOL

i don't like drastic and i don't like drama. door-slamming seems to imply a bit of both. whatever the reason for me needing some distance from another person, i don't feel that they deserve an additional bit of drama for their trouble. needing distance is part of the human condition, i leave it to their interpretation to figure out the motives for my behavior (a lot of times they don't notice or don't care, too busy themselves) - or if they ask me, i'll tell them. but i don't make a habit of drawing attention to my need for distance in my relationships... and i guess i'm lucky enough not to have to.

[cyan2012]

Door slamming is all too easy for me. I've done it with friends and family alike. Especially now that I have a core group of excellent friends, it is very easy for me to feel like I am interviewing new people as potential friends and then cut them out when I notice patterns of behavior that I'd prefer not to tolerate. Then I'm over them and I move on without looking back.

It is much harder of course, the longer you know the person and the more investment you have put into building the bond. There have been times when, after a cooling off period of several months or a year, I have reconciled with someone that had meant something very important to me. In those few instances I have been happily rewarded with completely changed behavior, which I take to mean they recognized what they did to offend me and value my friendship enough to alter their behavior. In those instances I felt I did the right thing in letting them back in.

[kristle]

yes i can relate to being a doorslammer ... or maybe a more accurate term would just be a door closer. As soon as I've decided someone is no longer worth my time I quietly exit whatever I was doing with them and they are as a stranger to me from that point on.

I don't miss them, rarely think about them and have absolutely no contact. Most importantly I make sure they know nothing about my current life. If this means cutting off mutual acquaintances then done.

I also don't recall ever telling a person what horrible fault they have that made them dead to me - that would require effort. Effort they should be spending - not me. Why waste my time on something that's over and no longer my concern. I also believe it's their job to reflect on their own faults and fix them, not mine.

I will admit though after cutting extended family off I have been tempted to go for round two after 5-6 years of cool down. But the relationship is never as open as it once was. It might include sharing of what's happened in the last 5 years, where I'm living and a phone number. It does not, however, include me answering that call.

Also curious is my lack of remorse for all the doorslamming. It's like my brain is telling me this is something you should feel bad about, but my emotions flicker back to what that person did and all feeling for them just shuts down.

Reading this kinda makes me wonder what the ratio is between the number of people INTJs have cut out of their life in a lifetime vs. other types. I'm guessing it's staggering.

[t3hrubikscube]

Yeah, I use doorslamming...both literally and metaphorically.
Regarding the former, I have a bad temper.

[rain]

Yes, numerous times.

I also like to slam doors by kicking them. I even broke one down once.

Of course I'm sure any man who knows this about me would be horrified.

[SelfMadeBum]

Yes; hardly ever temporarily, though.

And when that door is closed, it is closed.

[blueranger]

I slam doors literally and metaphorically.

The physical act of slamming the doors allows me to burn off the adrenaline which is rushing through my system becuase I have reached boiling point (usually in an argument) and am going insane because I'm so charged up.

The slammed door is also a signal to the other party to leave me alone and create a physical barrier and give me a space in which calm down and rationise events.

In the metaphorical sense, I do it all the time, it prevents me from expending effort on relationships that are going now where (friends and partners of the past).

People get one chance with me, they blow that, then thats it, the door is slammed and bolted shut, I taker the view if they value me they come knocking.

If the they value me enough they will break it down altogether.

[cannotseethe]

Yes. I've shut a lot of people out of my life. However, some of those doors have reopened from time to time. I often, but not always, regret it.

Sometimes relationships need a reset.

[Moris]

Literally, I never doorslam. I actually get really annoyed when anyone i know slams a door or throws something. It just seems so undignified and emotional.

Metaphorically, I doorslam all the time. If someone is contributing a net decrease on my quality of life, I see no reason not to wash my hands of them and just simply avoid the hassle of interacting with them.

[NoOne]

I used door slamming, effectively once in my life. It was down south. Now I noticed that in my particular area there were people who like to park their car so that you could not open your door to get in or out. So, one day, in hopes of avoiding this, I parked way out in the lot, where there were no cars. When I came out, from shopping, some very high IQ fellow gave me about 8 inches between cars, I could not get in my car.

So, I opened my door, as hard as I could, several times, until the side of his car had yeilded enough room to open mine a considerable space. I was a very nice exercise in body mechanics, I think.

[JasonINTJ]

I just got done doorslamming my cousin and her husband. Basically, I deleted them from my friends list on Facebook.

I'm sorry, but my little social butterfly cousin shouldn't have volunteered to help my long term ex-boyfriend become a nurse if he needed any help. Then when I tell her about how much I don't want her to do this because he caused me so much pain in my life, she wrote nothing back and she still keeps him as a friend on Facebook.

I sent her messages about other things and I even told her that another cousin of mine (on the other side of the family) was dying and she didn't even write back to say she was sorry or anything.

So, it all pissed me off and I can't take it anymore -- goodbye, for now, cuz.

[blather]

Yes, I do this. It seems to be an INTJ trait.

I doorslammed my mom. She wasn't able to transition from mom to friend after I reached adulthood so I cut her out of my life. I mean, she's still invited to my house for events of a family nature but I don't really have any kind of relationship with her other than fake "Hello nice to see you." She's been pissed off about it for years. I could care less.

---------- Post added 11-03-2009 at 02:40 AM ----------

Yes, I do this. It seems to be an INTJ trait.

I doorslammed my mom. She wasn't able to transition from mom to friend after I reached adulthood so I cut her out of my life. I mean, she's still invited to my house for events of a family nature but I don't really have any kind of relationship with her other than fake "Hello nice to see you." She's been pissed off about it for years. I could care less.

[liquidzilla]

I used to alot, but I've been working on being more forgiving and trying not to shut people out anymore (damn hard, let me tell you). It's the mature thing to do, to confront those who wronged you and talk it out, rather than hiding from it.
Oh and I used to do literal door slamming too, but only because I was angry (I don't like breaking things so slamming a door was a good way to vent).

[Necrosis]

I door slammed my ex. Thought enough was enough. Not sure if I will ever open that door again.

The only time I let someone back in was a frat brother of mine, and it was thanks to my ex funny enough.

Sometimes my pride is too high and i want the other person to own up to their end...

[Elena]

Yes, numerous times.

I also like to slam doors by kicking them. I even broke one down once.

Of course I'm sure any man who knows this about me would be horrified.

Ha, I do that aswell, I accidently cracked a door by accident.

[El Cas]

I do close doors but for me I have a second chance approach.

If someone merits the door being closed on them all I do is rise the drawbridge over the moat and if they once again provoke me then I shut the door. It takes alot to cause me to shut the door on someone, normally I everyone that has upset me has just merited the bridge raised and it a lot on their part to get me to lower it again.

I have used this approach as a defensive mechanism since my early teens. It has helped me isolate myself from many potential headaches, though it has also enhance my "your so distant" trait.

[adjectivenoun]

I do this, although (like daydreamer) I don't go out with dramatics or announce my intentions. I merely cease to respond to communications.

My literal door-slamming is a bit more dramatic, but only by necessity. Sometimes I need time to think and the other person doesn't want to give it, so...

[Nightsun]

I usually don't enrage, but when I enrage I'm like an animal, I completly lost my J :P

[ssrprotege]

I don't usually do door-slamming. Yet, once I decided to do it, I do them AT ONCE. I regularly cut off Facebook connections when I think it's just a burden. I also cut off someone if he/she turned me off for any reason.

Or at some point, I have this overwhelming feeling that it's just too much. If that happens I door-slam everything, breaking off connections, messengers, everything. I become a hermit for a brief period of time. I come out some time later.

[Autoptic]

Figuratively, of course. Hell, I wouldn't be anywhere near anyone I've had any notable relations with since I was a toddler if I could help it.

Not much literally anymore as they tend to bounce back, or things get damaged.

[Lucky]

I can keep taking a lot of crap for a very long time but all of a sudden it is BANG, door closed for ever and ever after. Sometimes I would love to do it to my mother as well...
I once literally slammed a door and the window in it cracked. For me to show so much anger is VERY unusual and I have to be VERY p*ssed off before I do such a thing.

[Roxie]

Yes, it has gotten better, or at least I realize it now. It allows me to take control back from something that feels out of my control. Enjoyed reading all the terms each uses to describe it to themselves. My phrasing is someone has crossed the line with me. I usually give them a friendly and humorous warning they have crossed the line the first time and most will adjust or tell me why I am wrong or some let it happen again and then they quietly fade from my life.

This forum is the best! :thumbsup:

[INTJfemale]

I used to slam the door. Also used to throw dishes. Don't any more though. I've done a lot of work on anger issues and have improved I am happy to say!

[anumericalevil]

Oh my goodness. There is actually a coined term for it? Anyway, yes, I do that very often. I withdraw from people when I want to handle my own stresses. I completely cut myself off and emerge back when I want to, or when I've solved my issues.

Don't see a need to get people involved with my personal affairs. They're personal for a reason.

With regards to cutting people off... yes, I do that too. I have cut off about 4 people who were once close friends with me. I just cut off all contact. Sometimes I do look back on one of them because I was madly in love with him. Complicated shit. Oh well.

[anarchiste]

Ohhhhh yes, I have done that several times. I didn't realise that it was a fairly common INTJ trait - I thought it is just the way I handle people.

It is not a case of "no longer any use to me", I have found quite the opposite that they tend to be dependent on me and at that point I guess I am cutting my losses. Maybe I did get something out of the friendship/relationship initially but often there is a sense of relief when it is finished. I also cut friendships because I feel that I have imposed too much or outstayed my welcome and previous experience has made me somewhat overcautious. Does that make sense?

[Aurelia]

I did that as a teenager. Then my dad took my door off :)

[vash]

It took me a long time to look at this thread because the title suggests emotional behavior that is not a part of my life. However, upon reading the OP and the replies, yes I do engage in this behavior, albeit differently (this thread reminds me of another one that was on the forum a few months ago. If I find it, I will post it). Even as a child, I was able to tune people out at will. I still do it, and it drives other people crazy because they need to have constant attention and constant reinforcement: I do not care for babysitting children often, and I especially do not like babysitting adults. I now call my tuning out my “invisibility superpower.” I believe Sue Storm of the Fantastic Four had the greatest superpower of any superhero (I like the comics: have never seen the movies). Imagine being able to make yourself or other people invisible: oh, joy; oh, happiness! What a way to clear negative people out of your life and make more space for positive pursuits. (By the way, my INTJf profile is set so that, when I am on the forum, my posts say, “vash is invisible.” Oh, the power!!! I don’t have anyone here on “ignore,” but I do like having the option.)

[LCJ]

It took me a long time to look at this thread because the title suggests emotional behavior that is not a part of my life. However, upon reading the OP and the replies, yes I do engage in this behavior, albeit differently

This was exactly my response. It was only after someone referenced it in the compulsive liars thread that I came here.

I never literally slam doors. My emotions never never get to the point where I'd have a physical response like that. I used to think of it as a freeze out if I would disconnect on a short term basis and I'd call it cutting the chain if it was permanent. However, I used to employ it on a regular basis in college. There were so many people with issues that annoyed me that I just cut them off without further notice and would come back to them later.

As for long-term door slamming. It is almost always irreversible. People often criticize me for being unforgiving but once I reach the point where I feel the need to cut the chain, that person is generally gone for good. I also admit, giving second chances is very very difficult and a third chance just doesn't happen. Only intervention by a very close friend or family member over an extended period of time has ever resulted in me reversing such a decision.

[Tangent]

I've done this as well to a certain extent...But not with extremes.

Similar to what kristle said in an earlier post...

I prefer to think of myself as a door "closer" then "slammer".

I've never had someone hurt me to a point where I've had to think to slam the door either figuratively or literally. The actual act of door slamming actually makes me flinch if it happens. I prefer the idea of a quick and quiet exit (like a ninja, no?). Cause depending on the scenario, its has much more impact to cut someone off cold turkey then to keep going with long drawn out fights, and arguments and stupid petty acts. Emotionally I'm turned off, and that's it. I want nothing more to do with that party. So I just lock the door and walk away. (I've done that with some past friends...and to some extent my step dad. I don't hate him, I have total apathy. I act civil to him because I have to(he's still married to my mom), but emotionally, and how "feel" I could care less if I never saw him again. Again, not wishing any ill will just I wouldn't miss him one bit, or think twice about it, much like those other friends.)

In general the way I mentally think of people now a days is a hallway of doors. If communication is open, and both sides give equally, the door is open, and I often go through it, and so do they. Each side is always welcome, and each side gives as much as it receives. But when it gets to the point where they no long visit...Like I feel like they don't care for my time anymore, or simply don't give a shit, then I stop caring/giving too.

I won't ever lock the door for these ones, but I will shut it so not to prevent any heat energy from leaking into a cold room.

With these certain friends....its up to them to open the door. Right now they are like friendly ghosts of the past. I enjoyed the old memories of how things use to be, but if they don't care enough to put any effort to be a good friend now, then I can't spare any energy or effort myself. (believe me, with some of these people I have tried, and then I give up eventually.) Again, the door shuts, but isn't locked... Its up to them to make the change not me.

I've actually had a friend or two open that door up on their own a couple times...so that does happen.

Anyways...thats my mental "door" analogy that I kind of use and go by with people lol

As far as how many "chances" people get from me...depends on each person and the severity of the "offense." I can forgive, but I don't think I could ever "forget." If its not something totally horrible, and its someone I deeply care about, or had felt a connection to, I will give them a chance, or more. But if the behavior doesn't change and I feel they are still hurting me, then the door will shut, and click.

[Zam]

Yup, I pretty much deflect everything. It's just so easy and natural now.

[firebee]

But when it gets to the point where they no long visit...Like I feel like they don't care for my time anymore, or simply don't give a shit, then I stop caring/giving too.

I won't ever lock the door for these ones, but I will shut it so not to prevent any heat energy from leaking into a cold room.

This.

One of the things I learned as a kid is that doing the "You have committed an unforgivable sin and are therefore permanently stricken from my book" deal is a recipe for embarrassment, because when I am no longer angry at a person that I basically like (hence how they got in a position to anger me in the first place), my preference for their company persists, all other things being equal. At which point I have to unswear to spit on their grave, et cetera, and generally erode my reputation as a person whose wrath should be feared. This damages the dignity.

On the other hand, one of the things I learned as an undergrad is that you have to focus your efforts in places where it will do you the most good. I need to know that the people I associate with respect me and appreciate my company; deviations from this rule produce misery. I do not care to be miserable. Therefore, people who exhibit behaviors that appear consistent with the foregoing get my time and attention in much greater proportion that people who do not seem to exhibit such behavior.

Drama is not required, which is a good thing. Some people process drama well like some people process carbohydrates well; I drew the short straw in both these areas and must consequently watch my diet.

[vash]

This was exactly my response. It was only after someone referenced it in the compulsive liars thread that I came here.

I never literally slam doors. My emotions never never get to the point where I'd have a physical response like that. I used to think of it as a freeze out if I would disconnect on a short term basis and I'd call it cutting the chain if it was permanent. However, I used to employ it on a regular basis in college. There were so many people with issues that annoyed me that I just cut them off without further notice and would come back to them later.

As for long-term door slamming. It is almost always irreversible. People often criticize me for being unforgiving but once I reach the point where I feel the need to cut the chain, that person is generally gone for good. I also admit, giving second chances is very very difficult and a third chance just doesn't happen. Only intervention by a very close friend or family member over an extended period of time has ever resulted in me reversing such a decision.

I found it! I knew this thread reminded me of an earlier one (To view links or images in this forum your post count must be 2 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.). When you mentioned "unforgiving," it triggered the thread title.

[Corvineve]

I've been accused of it in past youthful romantic relationships - I wasn't trying to hurt them further by shutting them out, I had hoped it would be less painful as I was the one ending it. Even now I do the same to some extent. Anything less would seem like a game, or hidden agenda. Like Tangent, it was more of a door close, and quiet exit followed with no longer being responsive.
Also over the years I have also shut out two close friends, mostly to prevent continued dissapointment in what made me get to that point. If a person changes too much in negative ways and it begins to affect me, I find it hard to draw on the nostalgia of our original relationship to overlook it. Other friends have grown distant or changed radically, but the interaction between us is neutral. It's a combination of things that drives it, self-protection being high on the list. A lack of sincerity will start the door to sway...

I have been known to hang up while on the phone on my mother.

[Amherst Fallen]

I equate doorslamming with prioritizing. But I've since had a taste of my own medicine, and figured tt it's not a very nice thing to do. Hmm...

[Wtfpeople]

Well, sometimes its good to leave a door open so you can make sure you let all the shit through before slamming it for greater effect.

-I've set people up to fail, allowed the fail, then said "I told you".
Sometimes you have to make a judgment to see if the failure would benefit the person in the long run. If you care about some dont let them die. If you dont care about someone let them die and use it as an example for someone you care. Too soon?

Sometimes leaving the door open can have a good effect. For everything else, turn off the cellphone and bring out the cans of spaghetti-o's.

[gwilendiel]

What is doorslamming? :stunned:

Abrupt obstruction of discourse?

I can't say I've never used it, but I can't say I make it a habit either. I'm not one to let things go easily, and by association that means communications must be open.

But I usually have to be at my wits end with the person before I resort to it, which doesn't happen often.

Usually at most I gradually start turning the valve off. I like for things to have conclusions. Things without conclusions bother me worse than a frustrating scenario with somebody.

[eibuos]

Yes. I've shut a lot of people out of my life. However, some of those doors have reopened from time to time. I often, but not always, regret it.


Same here, my feelings just seem to die. I have always regretted a reopening.

---------- Post added 11-26-2009 at 12:51 PM ----------

People often criticize me for being unforgiving but once I reach the point where I feel the need to cut the chain, that person is generally gone for good..


I have heard the same. I am only ever mad for very short periods of time. It's not about forgiveness for me, I just stop caring.

[ufmace]

Kind of. On the one hand, I consider it a major part of my personal development to have learned that I have the right to fill my life with people and things that improve it, and to reject people and things that make my life worse. And that it isn't worth the time or mental effort to actually hate someone - if they're making your life worse, then the worst thing that you can do to yourself is to spend time thinking about how much you hate them; much better to shut them out of your life and thoughts entirely. Like the saying "living well is the best revenge".

That said, there are very few people who are really bad enough to justify having the door closed forever. More common is to realize that I just don't fit in with some person or group enough to actually be friends with them, but that's no reason to go to the extreme of committing to ignore them forever rather then just being pleasant acquaintances.

I guess this goes into the bigger issue of forgiveness. In maintaining a social circle of some sort, it is important to be willing to forgive people for their small mistakes, and to realize that they forgive you for your small mistakes, since none of us can ever be perfect. Yet you must also realize that there are a certain small number of things that really are unforgivable, and actually stand by that. I guess the balance is up to all of us to find for ourselves.

[vash]

I've set people up to fail, allowed the fail, then said "I told you".

I have never set anyone up to fail, but I have given advice that was not taken. It seemed to me that the best thing to do was to not say, "I told you so." The other person already knew what I had said and, by not reminding the person of it, I removed the opportunity for the person to be angry with me: they could only be angry with themselves - which is exactly where the anger should be directed. In one case (giving repeated not-taken advice), the person's anger kept building and lasted so long that I had no choice but to (gently) shut the door for my own sanity.

[Guybrush]

Metaphorically, I doorslam all the time. If someone is contributing a net decrease on my quality of life, I see no reason not to wash my hands of them and just simply avoid the hassle of interacting with them.

This is my attitude also. If someone is bringing more unhappiness into my life than happiness, I will not spend time with that person. Life is too short to spend time with people that are dragging me down. My time and my life experience is valuable to me and I won't squander it on people that don't respect me.

[Shirley]

It tends to take a lot for me to literally(Is that right? No, not actual doors... the internal kind) slam the door on a person to the point that I will never speak to them again. Usually I still allow them to contact me and apologize if they so wish.

However, I've done it on occasion, with people I perceive to have betrayed me.

[Wtfpeople]

I have never set anyone up to fail, but I have given advice that was not taken. It seemed to me that the best thing to do was to not say, "I told you so." The other person already knew what I had said and, by not reminding the person of it, I removed the opportunity for the person to be angry with me: they could only be angry with themselves - which is exactly where the anger should be directed. In one case (giving repeated not-taken advice), the person's anger kept building and lasted so long that I had no choice but to (gently) shut the door for my own sanity.

When I set people up to fail they're the ones providing the "method". I set them up by providing a task that cannot be completed by the method they propose.

To clarify, I dont provide someone with a faulty method, present an impossible task, then gloat in their face. They have to provide the method, when criticism is rejected and my challenge presented, their wanting to "prove themselves" makes them eagerly take the task I proposed. They fail. I say "I told you".

It's only slightly malicious. lol.